Yu-Gi-Oh! - The Unknown Tales [Prologue Only - Chapter 1 is a WIP]

[Le Welche Alt]

[center][size=6]Yu-Gi-Oh! - The Unknown Tales[/size][/center]

[spoiler=Prologue]Domino City was entering its third era, having passed through the original time as Domino City and through the period of New Domino City. It was revived after the death of New Domino City when the Kaiba Corp regained control over the game of Duel Monsters. The city was built around a bay and tall mountains enclosed the surrounding area. While various people had attempted to mine through the mountain to build roads to connect the city with the outside world, they had proven unsuccessful. The only way into or out of the city was by boat. This strange geographic position caused days to be cut short due to the sun falling behind the mountains early.

On the waterfront, built at the very back of the bay were the Kaiba Towers, a set of two towers that stood a thousand feet tall each. Around the rest of the bay, on the waterfront, there were other tall buildings but none reached as tall as the Kaiba Towers. While these buildings became known as the financial district, they were not in fact a district because they were so spread out. As one moved away from the waterfront, the buildings grew shorter until it became simply residential with the occasional small shops spread throughout.

Near Kaiba Towers was the Kaiba Dome, the central arena for Duel Monsters. It was built like a hockey arena but instead of ice, there was a dueling field. At back of each seat also contained a small touch screen that would allow the spectators to get a rundown on the effect of each card played and the screen also allowed them to follow the duel from afar better. The Kaiba Dome was the central attraction of Domino City, a must see to any traveller.

Domino City was an odd city for many reasons. The first two have already been given: that it is inaccessible by card and that the office towers take up the waterfront. Another aspect that set Domino apart from other cities was that it had no slums. Despite a strong population of nearly 800 000 people, there was plenty of employment to be had. The economy was booming for everyone and at its heart was dueling.

While most countries in the 21[sup]st[/sup] century were interested in sports, the city state of Domino City had found their own passion to be dueling. Dueling was done throughout the world, but nowhere more than Domino City. Perhaps the name forced them to duel, but they simply couldn’t get enough of it. As such private schools had dueling classes available as electives while public schools that could not afford to spend resources on that generally had one or more clubs devoted to Duel Monsters.

These classes and clubs were designed to set students up for a career in dueling. In Domino, there were both professional and minor league dueling. The Professional Dueling League (PDL) was the most elite of all the leagues. There were a total of 128 duelists in this league selected from the tens of thousands who wanted to join. All official matches by the PDL were held in the Kaiba Dome and were televised nightly. Of course, the PDL was not the only dueling league. There was also a much more expansive minor league of 1024. This number was strictly regulated to make tournaments much simpler.

Duel Monster booster packs were released very sparingly because Kaiba Corp believed that players must first master the current pack before they will be ready for any more. Kaiba Corp also made all packs available at all times not only to attempt to limit the secondary market for cards, but also in an effort to aid new players in building the deck of their choice.

Since Domino was a city-state, it would be logical to write something pertaining to the structure of the central government; it was entirely unrelated to Duel Monsters. The city was run in a parliamentary fashion with 100 members in each chamber. One chamber (the upper chamber) was elected using districts of 8000 people. The person who received the most votes won. The lower chamber was designed more for the parties who formed. In it’s elections, a party or group received seats based on the total votes they received. Thus there was never one person who controlled the city.[/spoiler]

[Synchronized]

Quite well done. I find it can be a bit repetitive, but other than that it was actually really well written. I'm looking forward to seeing what you can do beyond the first Chapter.

I'll definitely keep an eye on this, perhaps you could glance at my Fic as well. Then we'd both have a new reader. ^^;

[Le Welche Alt]

Sure I could read your fanfic. I'm eating breakfast and I need something to do.

As for the repition I felt it myself and I will work harder to avoid it in the next chapter.

[Ren✧]

Not bad, not bad at all. As -Neo- said it is a bit repetitive, often diverting from one subject and then making a U-turn to further explain a previously mentioned detail. This isn't uncommon for the first few chapters of a fanfic that takes place in a time so much different from our own, so don't worry about it too much. The first chapter was simple, nothing wrong with that, but I am hoping for some more excitement later on, which I am sure you will supply.

Will be keeping my eye on this. Seems to be very well written.

[Synchronized]

[quote name='Le Dolan' timestamp='1345826645' post='6012026']
Sure I could read your fanfic. I'm eating breakfast and I need something to do.

As for the repition I felt it myself and I will work harder to avoid it in the next chapter.
[/quote]

Awesome, and I do the same thing, it's cool. Looking forward to it.

Also looking forward to your feedback on mine. :3

[Le Welche Alt]

Alas I had to leave and I am rather busy at this moment. I promise to read at least a portion of your fanfic though I believe it to be quite long at the moment so I may not be immediate in a review.

[Aerion Brightflame]

I am already jealous becuase in less than a day you have as many comments as it took mine a few weeks to get....

But I digress. The writing style is good and fluid. And the actual lack of mistakes is something a applaud due to my inability to do so.

However I personally found it... A tad to uneventful. I understand that it is the opening, and you haven't thought of a plot yet, but i feel like something important should have happened. In most literature I have read, the opening chapter has something eventful in, becuase its there to grab attention.

Still, I shall keep reading. Oh and welcome to Creative writing, where the normally low level of comments shouldn't put you down. It happens to the best.

[Le Welche Alt]

As I stated in the opening post, this first chapter is rather uneventful. I used it instead to set up the location and the basic layout of the City as well as introduce a character and briefly outline his life. Events are too come, just not quite yet.

I edited the opening post slightly with an additional paragraph describing Steven.

[Des ＨＥＲＯ]

Chapter 1 looks more Prologue to me in my opinion. Prologues are used to establish the setting and give background details, Chapter 1 has instantly got both criteria quite quickly.

I have to agree with everyone else that the structure of information is lacking and therefore causes problems with it being repetitive (Especially about the minor league and how Steven isn't ready to face in it). You kept throwing information out, then third person, then more information, then third person ect. It made it look a bit...Awkward in my opinion.

Steven seems quite interesting from what shown. It seems worrying that he might hit Mary Sue levels because he is shown to be too good for the Minor League but not Major League material. But you can hopefully keep control in maintaining his flaws (If he has any) and not turn him into a complete Yusei...


Overall, it looks good and I will keep reading it for now.

[Le Welche Alt]

Plot is a tricky thing. Introducing it too fast into a fan fic can be detrimental because it stops one from creating a solid basis. I do agree at some point this chapter will need a rewrite, but if I had included plot it would have been even worse. As for Steven being too good for the minor league, this is not something I wanted to imply. He is not major league material as I believe I said, but I do not think I said anywhere that he was too good for the minor league. In my eyes he is much more of an average minor league duelist. I think were you went wrong was the I said he was good with Volcanics, but I never meant to imply he was better than the minor leagues. I apologize for any confusion.

[bury the year]

Listen to anyone who says to add plot ASAP. This forum isn't like a bookstore - if someone gets bored of your story they can drop it and leave with no obligations to continue. Additionally, while your writing is at least literate, it's very recursive in places. The first paragraph, for instance; what I got was "it's new! But wait, it's new new! But wait!" and so on and so forth. It's wordy and a turn off, and since that information doesn't advance the plot or need to be revealed it's superfluous. Go through the rest of your chapter with the same idea - if what you're saying isn't necessary to know, cut it.

[Le Welche Alt]

I see this forum requires plot and action immediately so I will probably be forced to rewrite the beginning with very little detail so that the plot can begin right away. I was going to focus this more on the characters and less on plot but that appears to be very unpopular.

[bury the year]

Stop it. You sound like a quitter. We are not saying that the only thing we want is action. That would be just as bad: it would be brainless and uninteresting. We are saying you need to keep a steady pace with your story, neither moving things along too quickly or too slowly. What you have here is stagnating and full of too much exposition and narration.

Also, there isn't any audible speech and there are only six words of thought. That's another problem. There is little need for us to care about your characters because you don't give us privy to how they think and act. These are two things readers want to know, because it gives us a reason to care about your story. Currently we don't have one.

[Le Welche Alt]

I am not quitting. I am simply restarting. I apparently had a totally wrong idea of what this website looks for.

[Le Welche Alt]

Reworked chapter 1 into the prologue. Plot to follow in chapter one as demanded.

[Randomflyingobjects]

Wow. Just for posting a prolouge, you got bombarded with viewers. Me? No, I get a couple in my first couple chapters, and by number 4, everybody forgot about it.

Anyway, there isn't much of a plot, but then, it's the prolouge. Try not to use all that description in the actual chapters, and focus a bit more on the storyline. I'm definitely going to read the first few chapters and see how they go.

[Le Welche Alt]

I find setting up the world I plan to use is important in preventing repetition. I am working on Chapter 1 which I plan to release quite soon.

[Luna Lovegood]

10/10 would real again.

[Synchronized]

[quote name='Le Dolan' timestamp='1345834921' post='6012108']
Alas I had to leave and I am rather busy at this moment. I promise to read at least a portion of your fanfic though I believe it to be quite long at the moment so I may not be immediate in a review.
[/quote]

Okay, cool. Looking forward to it, as well as your next Chapter.