Spirit of DMG Posted August 13, 2012 Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 … chapter eight… was insanely short. And… didn't reveal much. But chapter nine… was awesome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted August 18, 2012 Report Share Posted August 18, 2012 [spoiler=Finally, the 2nd] “Satu, look!” Satu cranked his neck upward. [b]Slightly more painful than just moving his gaze upward, but all the more exciting.[/b] After flying for most of the day, he was feeling drained at this point, [b]After running a lot, he was tired now. After running a lot, he was tired. Which sounds less awkward? You decide.[/b] doing all he could to remain airborne. The setting sun was wreaking havoc with his eyesight, [b]That bastard sun, using Satu's sight to wreak havoc upon the land. How dare it.[/b] causing him to dip down a few feet before regaining focus. “Hey, watch it! Come on, Jonin are supposed to have higher chakra levels than this!” [b]How dare you only be able to fly for the entire day while carrying an adult male. You are slacking off on your training, good sir.[/b] “You try flying all day…oh that’s right, you don’t know how to-” “Satu, quit mumbling and touch down already! We’ve reached the Hidden Waterfall Village!” Satu sighed, beginning their descent down into the forest surrounding the land. The village was centered around a huge basin of water that contained a giant tree resting on an island in the water’s center. Trees clouded the skies above them and served as heavy protection from the elements outside the abode. It was no wonder that the village had never been successfully invaded. [b]The elements tried to invade it. Next time they should send actual Ninja. The trees serve no protection from those, it seems.[/b] Even as Satu landed, several shinobi emerged from the trees and surrounded the duo, aiming kunai knives and shuriken at their heads. [b]Do they always do this to new visitors? What friendly, welcoming people.[/b] “Who are you and what are you doing in our village?” asked one of the shinobi. They all wore black masks and blue skin-tight garb underneath matching flak jackets, greatly contrasting the bright, yellow gis of their visitors. [b]They were also all generic clones of each other, with no descerning features to differentiate between themselves.[/b] “Relax,” Riku answered. “My name is Riku Kaemon and this is my son, Satu. We’re friends of Minnie’s.” One of the shinobi broke away from the group and walked towards them. “I’ve heard that shinobi from the Leaf would be coming to our land. Show us your headbands as proof of your heritage.” Riku smiled. “No problem, I’m retired, but Satu’s still a full-fledged ninja. Show them your headband.” Satu nodded and reached for his waist when he realized the headband was missing. He frantically felt around his gi and his pockets before returning the awkward gaze the Waterfall shinobi gave him. [i]Crap…I lost it.[/i] [b]And that, kids, is why it goes in your heeead.[/b] Riku sighed, taking out the headband from inside his gi. “You’re lucky I picked this up before you took off. Be more mindful of your belongings, Satu.” Satu sighed and showed the Waterfall shinobi the headband before wrapping it around its waist. “It’d be fine if they had it actually fit my head.” [b]Oh god, the horrors of actually tying it a little tighter.[/b] “In any case,” the ninja from before replied. “You folks seem legit to me. Be warned, for if you try any funny business, you’ll be as dead as that mincemeat over there.” [b]As dead as that..........huh. Didn't quite know that was a thing. But okay. I still picture these guys as very generic henchmen, because so far they've done nothing but say generic things. Y u b so generikz?[/b] Satu traced the man’s pointing finger and saw a cow hung upside down outside a shack. [b]The man's what[/b] A pudgy man with a green apron stained its front and his arms with blood as he gutted the animal’s insides. “Ew…” [b]It's funny cuz I imagine either, the cow is saying this, meaning it's being gutted alive, or the pudgy man is saying this, meaning he hates his job, was never suited to be a cow-gutter, and would have been better as a mild-mannered salaryman.[/b] Riku pulled his son away from his trance and joined the fleet of shinobi escorting them to the home of their village leader. Onlookers peered at the group from inside their houses and their perches in the trees, engrossed in the unknown arrivals that had graced their village. [b]"Ooooh, real people, I've never seen those before..." /in awe[/b] Satu felt uneasy being stared at, but shook the feeling and turned his mind to getting food and sleep. Riku embraced the leader with great enthusiasm [b]That just looks so awkward when imagined.[/b] and started a night full of drinking and chatting over sake with the elderly man. They spent the night there since Riku’s beloved was currently away on a visit to the Hidden Sand and would not be back until the next morning. Satu was grateful for the rest and took full advantage of the hospitality, waking up as the rest of the Hidden Waterfall prepared for lunch. “Hey dad,” Satu called out, opening the door leading to the front porch. “What’s for-” He stopped, stumbling upon his father locked in an embrace with an older woman, her blond hair obscuring their locked lips. They gasped and broke apart, their faces quickly reddening. “Way to kill the mojo, Satu.” [b]Since the woman was mentioned more than the father in this sentence, I assume she knew who Satu was, because their father had told her all about it, because they were actually childhood friends, but when Satu's father got a different wife they had to break apart, despite them having flirted a bit in the past, but they never quite got over their attraction, and now that Satu's mom is on a trip, Riku took this chance to finally meet up with his first love. And here we are. Am I close?[/b] Satu grasped his head, quickly cleansing his mind. [b]OH GOD, KISSING. AAAAH, IT BUUURNS[/b] “One: you mean mood. Two: ew man, get a room.” “What, can’t a couple of lovebirds enjoy themselves on their front porch?” “This isn’t your porch…” “Sure it is, Minnie’s the leader’s daughter, you know.” Satu paused. “Kinda weird to move in with your successful father-in-law, isn't it?” “Oh can it,” [b]Because there's no comma between oh and can it, that technically means that Satu's father told Minnie to can it.[/b] Riku muttered. “Minnie, this ingrate’s my son, Satu. Satu, this is the apple of my eye.” Satu observed the woman who had remained silent until now. On closer inspection, her blond hair had a whitish tone, matching the dimming brightness behind her gray eyes. Her hands had slight creases, barely outlining the veins beneath. He guessed Minnie was in her fifties, the same as his father. He offered a hand and bowed his head. “Sorry for interrupting. It’s nice to meet you.” [b]You lied. She was still silent. Liar liar, pants on fire.[/b] Minnie smiled and shook his head. “It’s nice to meet you too, Satu. Riku’s told me a lot about you.” “Hoping not everything,” Satu said with a smirk. “Yeah, I didn’t want to bore her with your teen angst;” Riku affirmed, pulling out a string of photos from his gi. “I just showed her old baby pictures back in the times you actually gave a damn about things.” [b]"Back when I was a baby, I had a bike" "Back when I was a baby, I gave a damn about things"[/b] “Give me those,” Satu grumbled, snatching at the photo string. He managed to grasp one and pulled it back. His expression mellowed [b]It mellowed k[/b] at the photograph in his palm before walking past the couple. “I’m eating out.” Minnie looked to Riku, but he shook his head, frowning at his son’s back. “Sorry, it’s been harder on him than it has for anyone else.” ----- As Satu patrolled the village streets, he realized his appetite had withered away. [b]He was already hungry when patrolling, but decided patrolling a village protected from the elements was a better waste of his time than eating.[/b] He looked down at his hand; his sea-salt ice cream had melted all over his fingerless glove. Satu hated the sticky feeling between his fingers and made his way toward the water by the coastline. As he ran his hand through the current, he tensed up as he sensed five presences beckon his vicinity. [b]They beckoned his...I....okay. They called his sorroundings.[/b] “Satu Kaemon?” Satu stood up and looked behind him. There were four men and one woman gathered in a semicircle facing him. The men all wore dark blue undergarments and heeled sandals [b]The men. They are wearing heeled sandals. AKA, high-heel sandals.[/b] with green flak jackets over their torsos. The woman was more bold, only covered in a blue tank top and tight, black shorts. [b]It's funny because she's wearing more than they are.[/b] Hidden Leaf headbands adorned their brows. “Yes?” The woman stepped forward and said, “We were the team sent ahead by Lord Hokage to deliver your father’s goods. We waited for you to recover so we could take you back home.” Satu glanced over the shinobi carefully, noting where their weapons were stored. “The old guy sent Chunin and Jonin on a mail trip? I know we’re living in [i]relative[/i] world peace, but I didn’t think we were [i]that[/i] strapped for missions.” The woman ignored him. [b]He makes a good point.[/b] “We should leave soon.” “Sorry, but I want to stay with my father for a few more days. Saying goodbye’s always been hard for me.” “I’m sorry,” one of the Leaf shinobi intervened. “But it is the utmost importance you return home with us straight away. Lord Hokage personally requested we bring you home in the greatest hurry.” [i]It figures he’d catch on.[/i] “I’m not going home with you guys. Now beat it.” “Plan B!” the man commanded. With that, the five shinobi all crouched and sped forward at Satu, aiming to attack. [b]If they were at talking distance, they shouldn't need to dash, but okay~ Overall, a tad boring, but, no too much, and nothing much happened until the end. However, I AM confused, but that might changed next chapter. Regardless, nice overall.[/b] [/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fusion X. Denver Posted August 18, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 18, 2012 Thanks for the feedback, I chuckled at a few of the things I missed. But for the record, first 3 chapters were meant to be all read in a sitting which is why 2 was probably meh on its own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted August 18, 2012 Report Share Posted August 18, 2012 And this, my good people, is why most people shouldn't do MST3K-style reviews! My comments are in [color="red"]red[/color] - they appear after any of Hayate's that could've fixed something but instead chose to be unproductive and snide. [i]Italics[/i] are used on particularly egregious examples or where he's just plain wrong. [quote name='~Hayate Ayasaki~' timestamp='1345314165' post='6010177'] [spoiler=Finally, the 2nd] “Satu, look!” Satu cranked his neck upward. [b]Slightly more painful than just moving his gaze upward, but all the more exciting.[/b] [color="red"][b]Word should be "craned," not "cranked."[/b][/color] After flying for most of the day, he was feeling drained at this point, [b]After running a lot, he was tired now. After running a lot, he was tired. Which sounds less awkward? You decide.[/b] doing all he could to remain airborne. The setting sun was wreaking havoc with his eyesight, [b]That bastard sun, using Satu's sight to wreak havoc upon the land. How dare it.[/b] [color="red"][b]"Upon his eyesight" is better phrasing.[/b][/color] causing him to dip down a few feet before regaining focus. “Hey, watch it! Come on, Jonin are supposed to have higher chakra levels than this!” [b]How dare you only be able to fly for the entire day while carrying an adult male. You are slacking off on your training, good sir.[/b] [color="red"][b]Jonin isn't a proper name in the canon - it should be lowercased.[/b][/color] “You try flying all day…oh that’s right, you don’t know how to-” “Satu, quit mumbling and touch down already! We’ve reached the Hidden Waterfall Village!” Satu sighed, beginning their descent down into the forest surrounding the land. The village was centered around a huge basin of water that contained a giant tree resting on an island in the water’s center. Trees clouded the skies above them and served as heavy protection from the elements outside the abode. It was no wonder that the village had never been successfully invaded. [b]The elements tried to invade it. Next time they should send actual Ninja. The trees serve no protection from those, it seems.[/b] [i][color="red"][b]"Protection from the elements" is a valid expression, and although there's a bit of a logical disjunct between the use of the phrase and its implication it isn't anything major.[/b][/color][/i] Even as Satu landed, several shinobi emerged from the trees and surrounded the duo, aiming kunai knives and shuriken at their heads. [b]Do they always do this to new visitors? What friendly, welcoming people.[/b] [i][color="red"][b]If you lived in a world where your country/village was under threat of attack from any foreign power whose daimyo so much as willed it, yeah, I think they'd have a right to be hostile.[/b][/color][/i] “Who are you and what are you doing in our village?” asked one of the shinobi. They all wore black masks and blue skin-tight garb underneath matching flak jackets, greatly contrasting the bright, yellow gis of their visitors. [b]They were also all generic clones of each other, with no descerning features to differentiate between themselves.[/b] [i][color="red"][b]Imagine Times Square on New Year's Eve. Imagine trying to write a piece in which you describe the people there. Which is more feasible - doing each person separately, or generalizing how they look (in this hypothetical, festive with warm clothing) with a few exceptions?[/b][/color][/i] “Relax,” Riku answered. “My name is Riku Kaemon and this is my son, Satu. We’re friends of Minnie’s.” One of the shinobi broke away from the group and walked towards them. “I’ve heard that shinobi from the Leaf would be coming to our land. Show us your headbands as proof of your heritage.” Riku smiled. “No problem, I’m retired, but Satu’s still a full-fledged ninja. Show them your headband.” Satu nodded and reached for his waist when he realized the headband was missing. He frantically felt around his gi and his pockets before returning the awkward gaze the Waterfall shinobi gave him. [i]Crap…I lost it.[/i] [b]And that, kids, is why it goes in your heeead.[/b] [i][color="red"][b]From the Naruto wiki: "For example, while the majority do wear theirs in the traditional manner, Sakura uses hers as a hair-band, Shikamaru has his on his upper arm, whereas Rock Lee and Might Guy wear theirs as a belt when they wear their green jumpsuits, while Temari (in Part I) and Hinata wear theirs as chokers."[/b][/color][/i] Riku sighed, taking out the headband from inside his gi. “You’re lucky I picked this up before you took off. Be more mindful of your belongings, Satu.” Satu sighed and showed the Waterfall shinobi the headband before wrapping it around its waist. “It’d be fine if they had it actually fit my head.” [b]Oh god, the horrors of actually tying it a little tighter.[/b] “In any case,” the ninja from before replied. “You folks seem legit to me. Be warned, for if you try any funny business, you’ll be as dead as that mincemeat over there.” [b]As dead as that..........huh. Didn't quite know that was a thing. But okay. I still picture these guys as very generic henchmen, because so far they've done nothing but say generic things. Y u b so generikz?[/b] [color="red"][b]I think you have a mixed metaphor here. Someone is usually "turned into mincemeat" if you want a good analogy for pulverizing them. Additionally, [i]because they're most likely bit characters and won't be showing up elsewhere? Conservation of detail, man.[/i][/b][/color] Satu traced the man’s pointing finger and saw a cow hung upside down outside a shack. [b]The man's what[/b] [b][color="red"]"Followed," not "traced." Best not to use synonyms if you can't confirm their usage.[/color][/b] A pudgy man with a green apron stained its front and his arms with blood as he gutted the animal’s insides. “Ew…” [b]It's funny cuz I imagine either, the cow is saying this, meaning it's being gutted alive, or the pudgy man is saying this, meaning he hates his job, was never suited to be a cow-gutter, and would have been better as a mild-mannered salaryman.[/b] [color="red"][b]This sentence would be better if it focused on the action more than the apron. For example, "a pudgy man gutted the animal's insides, staining his arms and the front of his green apron with blood."[/b][/color] Riku pulled his son away from his trance and joined the fleet of shinobi escorting them to the home of their village leader. Onlookers peered at the group from inside their houses and their perches in the trees, engrossed in the unknown arrivals that had graced their village. [b]"Ooooh, real people, I've never seen those before..." /in awe[/b] Satu felt uneasy being stared at, but shook the feeling and turned his mind to getting food and sleep. Riku embraced the leader with great enthusiasm [b]That just looks so awkward when imagined.[/b] [b][color="red"]Once again, bad word choice. Consider something like “embraced happily.” Also, the transition between welcoming in to feasting and falling asleep happens in the span of, what, two sentences? You can add more.[/b][/color] and started a night full of drinking and chatting over sake with the elderly man. They spent the night there since Riku’s beloved was currently away on a visit to the Hidden Sand and would not be back until the next morning. Satu was grateful for the rest and took full advantage of the hospitality, waking up as the rest of the Hidden Waterfall prepared for lunch. “Hey dad,” Satu called out, opening the door leading to the front porch. “What’s for-” He stopped, stumbling upon his father locked in an embrace with an older woman, her blond hair obscuring their locked lips. They gasped and broke apart, their faces quickly reddening. “Way to kill the mojo, Satu.” [b]Since the woman was mentioned more than the father in this sentence, I assume she knew who Satu was, because their father had told her all about it, because they were actually childhood friends, but when Satu's father got a different wife they had to break apart, despite them having flirted a bit in the past, but they never quite got over their attraction, and now that Satu's mom is on a trip, Riku took this chance to finally meet up with his first love. And here we are. Am I close?[/b] Satu grasped his head, quickly cleansing his mind. [b]OH GOD, KISSING. AAAAH, IT BUUURNS[/b] “One: you mean mood. Two: ew man, get a room.” “What, can’t a couple of lovebirds enjoy themselves on their front porch?” “This isn’t your porch…” “Sure it is, Minnie’s the leader’s daughter, you know.” Satu paused. “Kinda weird to move in with your successful father-in-law, isn't it?” “Oh can it,” [b]Because there's no comma between oh and can it, that technically means that Satu's father told Minnie to can it.[/b] [b][color="red"][i]Which is correct, because Satu’s not questioning the statement but rather giving an exasperated exclamation.[/i][/color][/b] Riku muttered. “Minnie, this ingrate’s my son, Satu. Satu, this is the apple of my eye.” Satu observed the woman who had remained silent until now. On closer inspection, her blond hair had a whitish tone, matching the dimming brightness behind her gray eyes. Her hands had slight creases, barely outlining the veins beneath. He guessed Minnie was in her fifties, the same as his father. He offered a hand and bowed his head. “Sorry for interrupting. It’s nice to meet you.” [b]You lied. She was still silent. Liar liar, pants on fire.[/b] Minnie smiled and shook his head. “It’s nice to meet you too, Satu. Riku’s told me a lot about you.” “Hoping not everything,” Satu said with a smirk. “Yeah, I didn’t want to bore her with your teen angst;” Riku affirmed, pulling out a string of photos from his gi. “I just showed her old baby pictures back in the times you actually gave a damn about things.” [b]"Back when I was a baby, I had a bike" "Back when I was a baby, I gave a damn about things"[/b] [color="red"][b]Rather trite usage of a bad cliché, if I do say so myself. Who the hell keeps photos like that on them all the time?[/b][/color] “Give me those,” Satu grumbled, snatching at the photo string. He managed to grasp one and pulled it back. His expression mellowed [b]It mellowed k[/b] [color="red"][b]Odd that he was so upset earlier but managed to calm down almost immediately.[/b][/color] at the photograph in his palm before walking past the couple. “I’m eating out.” Minnie looked to Riku, but he shook his head, frowning at his son’s back. “Sorry, it’s been harder on him than it has for anyone else.” ----- As Satu patrolled the village streets, he realized his appetite had withered away. [b]He was already hungry when patrolling, but decided patrolling a village protected from the elements was a better waste of his time than eating.[/b] [color="red"][b][i][u]This comment is shit. No two ways about it.[/u][/i][/b][/color] He looked down at his hand; his sea-salt ice cream had melted all over his fingerless glove. Satu hated the sticky feeling between his fingers and made his way toward the water by the coastline. As he ran his hand through the current, he tensed up as he sensed five presences beckon his vicinity. [b]They beckoned his...I....okay. They called his surroundings.[/b] [color="red"][b][i]Still wrong. Something like "entering the vicinity." Don’t use words you aren’t sure about.[/i][/color][/b] “Satu Kaemon?” Satu stood up and looked behind him. There were four men and one woman gathered in a semicircle facing him. The men all wore dark blue undergarments and heeled sandals [b]The men. They are wearing heeled sandals. AKA, high-heel sandals.[/b] [color="red"][b][i][url="http://i.imgur.com/9JJ7h.jpg"]Birkenstocks[/url], anyone?[/i][/b][/color] with green flak jackets over their torsos. The woman was more bold, only covered in a blue tank top and tight, black shorts. [b]It's funny because she's wearing more than they are.[/b] [color="red"][b]"Bolder," not "more bold."[/b][/color] Hidden Leaf headbands adorned their brows. “Yes?” [color="red"][b]Not responding to a comment, but w/e. You didn’t identify a subject in this sentence, so I’m assuming the headbands are talking here.[/b][/color] The woman stepped forward and said, “We were the team sent ahead by Lord Hokage to deliver your father’s goods. We waited for you to recover so we could take you back home.” Satu glanced over the shinobi carefully, noting where their weapons were stored. “The old guy sent Chunin and Jonin on a mail trip? I know we’re living in [i]relative[/i] world peace, but I didn’t think we were [i]that[/i] strapped for missions.” The woman ignored him. [b]He makes a good point.[/b] “We should leave soon.” “Sorry, but I want to stay with my father for a few more days. Saying goodbye’s always been hard for me.” “I’m sorry,” one of the Leaf shinobi intervened. “But it is the utmost importance you return home with us straight away. Lord Hokage personally requested we bring you home in the greatest hurry.” [i]It figures he’d catch on.[/i] “I’m not going home with you guys. Now beat it.” “Plan B!” the man commanded. With that, the five shinobi all crouched and sped forward at Satu, aiming to attack. [b]If they were at talking distance, they shouldn't need to dash, but okay~ Overall, a tad boring, but, no too much, and nothing much happened until the end. However, I AM confused, but that might changed next chapter. Regardless, nice overall.[/b] [/spoiler] [/quote] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted August 19, 2012 Report Share Posted August 19, 2012 I could do it the boring way But I'd rather poke some fun at things, then at the end give my overall thoughts Besides, just callin Fuse's attention to these sort of things, is good enough Trust me ;P However, I could probably make it more complex if I had enough free time to dedicate to this But I actually Also read chapter 3 Fuse~ I like da battle, but I still dun quite get why he was attacked. Might have been the part I skimmed Regardless, dat electric lake~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ListenToLife Posted August 19, 2012 Report Share Posted August 19, 2012 [quote name='Fusion X. Denver' timestamp='1344380171' post='6000502'] Ever hear of the Cursed Remoraids? [/quote] When's the Haunted Octillery showing up? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fusion X. Denver Posted August 19, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 19, 2012 Thank you for taking time to do in-depth feedback Rinne, I appreciate it. DL, it was a retrieval mission much like what they did for Sasuke; the Hokage predicted Satu would use this chance to run off. Weird, the truth of the matter is that the Tsuchikage is a Pokemon master... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Chaos Sonic Posted August 19, 2012 Report Share Posted August 19, 2012 That Kage is a Pokemon Master? 0_o Should've known! XD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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