Jord200 Posted July 15, 2012 Report Share Posted July 15, 2012 I should probably note this takes place after Yuma and Kaito duel IV and III, but before Yuma and III duel. Its een a LONG time since I've posted a fanfic here. My girlfriend gets some credit since she helped me come up with a few things for this. [spoiler=Chapter 1] Akari had just finished getting groceries, and was walking to her motorcycle to return home when someone approached here. “Hold it miss, hand over the food and your money, and nobody gets hurt.” said a man in a mask. Akari was not about to let a thief steal from her. “You should probably know, I have a black belt.” she glared. “Heh, I’m so afraid.” taunted the man. “But can you handle three against one?” said two more masked men that appeared out of the shadows. Then before anyone could do anything, a figure dashed out and kicked one of the masked men in the head so hard that Akari and the other two thought his neck had been broken. Fortunately for the masked man that was not the case. "Ganging up to steal money and food from a girl? Not cool.” said a young man with a black coat that had a blue snowflake-like pattern on it and had a Duel Disk shaped like a Samurai Sword. “H-he knocked out bro!” gasped one of the masked men upon seeing one of his friends knocked out. The young man seemingly vanished and reappeared behind the masked man. He punched the masked man in the back of the head and knocked him out cold. “One to go.” grinned the young man. The third masked man simply ran away, absolutely terrified. “Huh. Vulgar scum. “ muttered the young man. He then turned his attention to Akari who was amazed. “You ok?” he asked. “Y-yeah. Thanks for saving me.” she said. “Don’t mention it. Just doing what anyone would have done. The name’s Tanaka Mizuryu.” he said as he introduced himself. “Akari Tsukumo.” she said as they shook hands. “Thanks again for saving me. You duel, I’ll take?” she asked. “Yep. I’m a professional from the northernmost part of Japan who came down here for the World Duel Carnival. Do you duel?” he asked. “No, but my little brother does. Maybe you’ll meet him sometime.” she said as she loaded the groceries onto her motorcycle. “Thanks again.” she said. “Don’t mention it.” smiled Tanaka as he began to walk away. As he walked away, Akari heard him mutter something. “No, she’s just a friend. I did what anyone would have done. Thanks for helping me.” he muttered. Akari then noticed something that surprised her. A glowing Number 92 appeared on Tanaka’s neck. “D-don’t tell me.....” thought Akari to herself. Elsewhere in Heartland City, Yuma was enjoying lunch with his friends Kotori, Tetsuo, Tokunosuke, Takashi, Cathy, and Anna. While in Yuma’s Emperor’s Key pendant, Astral was collecting his thoughts. It had been a while since Number 96: Black Mist had attacked him for the second time. Black Mist had claimed that all of Yuma’s Numbers, with the exception of Number 39: Aspiring Emperor Hope had helped it escape. “Does something trouble you, master?” came a voice. Astral looked and saw Number 39. Before Astral could respond, beams of light emerged from ten of the pillars where the Numbers were kept. Black Mist was the only one that didn’t appear as it was sealed, however, Astral and Emperor Hope now were being stared down by Number 17: Revise Dragon, Number 34: Electronic Computer Beast Terra-Byte, Number 83: Galaxy Queen, Number 61: Volcasaurus, Number 19: Freezerdon, Number 12: Armed Ninja-Crimson Shadow, Number 11: Big Eye, Number 16 Ruler of Color-Shock Ruler, Number 7: Lucky Stripe, and Number 25: Fullmetal Photoglide-Focus Force. Hope drew his swords, ready to protect Astral, but the other Numbers did not attack. They actually looked a little depressed. “Please just hear us out.” pleaded Tera-Byte. “Before I do, I want to know one thing. Why did you help Black Mist?” asked Astral. “We didn’t have a choice.” said Lucky Stripe. “He promised us he would grant our wish if we helped him escape. Then he said he was just kidding and beat us all.” said Volcasaurus sadly. “Wish? asked Astral. The ten Numbers remained silent for a moment as if they were trying to find out how to word what they wanted to say. “To not be left in here and forgotten.” said Galaxy Queen. “No offense to you, Hope, but your the one seeing all the action.” said Crimson Shadow. “All that ever gets summoned his you. We understand your the kid’s original Number, and Master Astral’s right hand Number, but we want to actually be summoned once in a while too.” said Shock Ruler. “Even I haven’t been summoned since the first duel against that kid with those Photon cards.” said Revise. The thought of Kaito Tenjo was slightly unnerving to Astral. “We haven’t been summoned since you and the kid Dueled our original owners.” said Freezerdon. “Its nothing personal. Basically, we are saying that we want to be summoned again.” said Focus Force. “We know what we did was wrong and we’re sorry.” said Big Eye. It gets real boring in here. We would love to be summoned again. At least consider it.” asked Galaxy Queen.” Astral and Hope exchanged glances, surprised with the turn of events. “I would not mind taking a break master. The others can certainly have some time. I see no reason why they shouldn’t.” said Hope. “Very well. We will now summon the rest of you if possible.” said Astral. “Y-you mean it?” said Tera-Byte in joy. “We’ve waited so long to hear those words.” cried Freezerdon. “Thank you. We will not let you down.” bowed Galaxy Queen. Then, a rare smile appeared on Astral’s face. Back to Yuma and his friends having lunch. Kotori noticed Shark passing by. “Hey, Shark, come have lunch with us.” smiled Kotori. Shark however was to busy thinking about other things. His revenge against IV. He was completely lost in thought until he heard a voice he hadn’t heard since his days as professional duelist, before he got banned. “I’ll take a lemonade and a Bento Lunchbox please.” said the voice. “Tanaka? Been a while.” said Shark as he walked up to Tanaka. “That you, Ryoga?” said Tanaka surprised to see someone he knew. “Haven’t seen you since you got disqualified in that Championship match against IV.” he said. Shark frowned upon hearing IV’s name. “Sorry. Your little sister doing any better?” he asked. Shark frowned as if he was trying not to look sad and absolutely furious. “I’m sure she’ll get better.” said Tanaka trying to cheer Shark up. “Shark, you know this guy?” asked Yuma. “You don’t know who he is, ura?” said Tokunosuke. “Thats Tanaka the Storm Warrior. The strongest duelist in Northern Japan.” said Tetsuo. Yuma still looked like he had no clue who Tanaka was. “Yuma Tsukumo, your an idiot at times.” muttered Anna. “Tsukumo? You wouldn’t happen to have an older sister name Akari would you?” asked Tanaka. “How do you know my sister?” asked Yuma. “I helped her out earlier. She said your a duelist in the World Duel Carnival. Would you care to have a duel?” he asked. “Yuma, to summarize, your chances of winning are minimal.” said Takashi. I think you could probably take him.” smiled Cathy. “I accept.” said Yuma. Astral appeared from the Emperor’s Key planning to tell Yuma about what the Numbers had said, but he then realized a Duel was beginning. “AR VISION, LINK ESTABLISHED. ESTABLISHING LINK BETWEEN A AND B.” “D-Gazer Set” yelled Yuma as his and Tanaka’s D-Gazers activated. “Duel!” the two of them yelled. [/spoiler] [spoiler=Chapter 2] Yuma LP4000 Tanaka LP4000 Tanaka’s Turn 1. “I summon Snoww, Unlight of the Dark World. With that, I end my turn.” said Tanaka. Yuma’s Turn 2. “I set a monster in Defense Position and set 1 card face down. Turn end.” said Yuma. Tanaka’s Turn 3. “I activate Dark World Dealings. We both draw and discard 1 card. The card I discarded was Beige, Vanguard of the Dark World, because of Beige’s Effect, it is Special Summoned.” said Tanaka. Astral then noticed a strange feeling in the air. “Don’t tell me....” he said. “What is it? asked Yuma. “I Overlay Snoww and Beige! He said as he two monsters transformed into energy and went into a yellow galaxy-like spiral. “He’s summoning a-” started Cathy. “What the heck is this?” panicked Anna, as she was the only one of Yuma’s friends that yet to see a Numbers. “A Numbers monster.” said Shark sternly. “With these two monsters, I create the Overlay Network, XYZ Summon! Come forth, Number 92.....” began Tanaka as a dress covered with Japanese Armor and a sword a wand coming out of its sides appeared. It then transformed into a beautiful women with long black hair, a purple outfit and skirt, with red armor on the arms on legs. She had a blue 92 printed on a scarlet helmet with a tiny snowflake on the top of it. In one hand she carried a Samurai Sword and in the other a magic wand. “Samurai Mage- Storm Girl!” yelled Tanaka. Number 92: Samurai Mage- Storm Girl Rank 4 ATK 2500 DEF 1750 LIGHT 2 Level 4 DARK, LIGHT, or WATER monsters. Warrior-Type/Xyz/Effect. This card cannot be destroyed in battle, except by a “Number” monster. Face-up LIGHT, DARK, WATER, and WIND monsters you control are unaffected by Trap Cards and cannot be destroyed by the effects of Xyz Monsters your opponent controls. Once per turn, you can remove 1 Xyz Material, to Special Summon 1 LIGHT, DARK, WATER, or WIND, monster from your Graveyard. If a LIGHT, DARK, WATER, or WIND monster you control were to be destroyed by battle, you change the target of the attack to this card. A glowing blue 92 appeared on Tanaka’s neck. However, unlike most Numbers, his didn’t seem to possess him. “A Number!” gasped Yuma in shock. “Wow, she’s kind of cute, ura.” whispered Tokunosuke. “To summarize, I would have to agree.” replied Takashi as Tetsou nodded in agreement. Kotori, Cathy, and Anna rolled their eyes. “Number 92, attack his Defense monster!” declared Tanaka. The monster was flipped up. It was Gogogo Golem. “Once per turn, while in Defense Position, Gogogo Golem can’t be destroyed by battle!” said Yuma. “I set a card and end my turn.” said Tanaka. Yuma’s Turn 4. Yuma looked at his hand and saw Gagaga Magician. “I can summon Gagaga Magician then summon Emperor Hope.” thought Yuma. “Yuma, I have something to tell you.” said Astral as he explained what the Numbers had requested. “But....” said Yuma. Astral gave Yuma a look as if he were surprised by Yuma objecting. “In your hand is Zubaba Knight. Your facedown card is Copy Knight.” began Astral. Yuma looked at Astral and knew what he had to do. “I summon Zubaba Knight! Then I activate Copy Knight, creating a Trap Monster with the same Level as Zubaba Knight. I Overlay Zubaba Knight and the Copy Knight! With these two monsters, I create the Overlay Network, XYZ Summon!” yelled Yuma as a blue, spiked, object appeared, and uncoiled into a Dragon with a yellow 17 on its right horn. “Number 17: Revise Dragon!” yelled Yuma. Shark smiled at the sight of the Number he had created. “Its been a while, Revise Dragon.” grinned Shark. Tanaka was surprised to learn his opponent also had a Number. “I activate Revise Dragon’s Effect! I can remove a Xyz Material to have it gain 500 ATK.” said Yuma. Number 17: Revise Dragon ATK 2500. Xyz Materials 1 “I’ll end my turn there.” said Yuma. Tanaka’s Turn 5. “I set one card and end my turn.” said Tanaka. Yuma’s Turn 6. “Yuma, your hand currently consists of Gagaga Magician, Acorno, Pinecono, Wonder Wand, and Needle Swordsman. With these you can summon a Rank 1 Xyz monster.” said Astral. “You mean Number 83? Right. I discard Acorno so I can Special Summon Pinecono, then bring back Acorno through Pinecono’s Effect. Now I summon Needle Swordsman. I Overlay Pinecono, Acorno, and Needle Swordsman!” yelled Yuma as the 3 monsters spiral into the yellow, galaxy-like portal that appears when a Number is summoned. “With these three monsters, I create the Overlay Network, XYZ Summon!” shouted Yuma, as a gold staff with a sapphire on top appeared. It had several rings around it that supported a dark blue dress-like fabric. It then transformed into a beautiful woman, dressed in royal robes, and a green 83 above her cleavage. “Number 83: Galaxy Queen! yelled Yuma. “Another Number?” said Tanaka who wasn’t expecting two Numbers. “H-how many of these Number things are there?!” yelled Anna. “100.” said Shark, Kotori, and Tetsuo all at once. “Revise Dragon is originally my Number.” said Shark. “Mr. Kittano also had a Number.” said Takashi remembering that one of their teachers had been possessed by a Number at one point. Anna looked dumbfounded. “You can use Galaxy Queen to prevent her and Revise Dragon from being destroyed by battle, until Tanaka’s next End Phase. That way you won’t need to remove Revise Dragon’s second Xyz Material yet. Since Revise Dragon and Samurai Mage- Storm Girl has the same ATK, they would normally destroy each other. If you do this however, only Samurai Mage- Storm Girl will be destroyed.” explained Astral. “Right. I remove a Xyz Material from Galaxy Queen, so that monsters I control cannot be destroyed by battle until the end of your next turn!” said Yuma. Number 83: Galaxy Queen, Xyz Materials 2 “Revise Dragon, attack Samurai Mage- Storm Girl! yelled Yuma as Revise Dragon shot a beam of energy from its mouth. Tanaka let out a slight laugh. “Trap Card activate, Shrine Maiden’s Judgement.” said Tanaka. Shrine Maiden’s Judgement Normal Trap When your opponent declares an attack, you can end the Battle Phase. If the attacking is an Xyz monster, and both players have 4 or less cards in their hands, both players draw until their hands have 5 cards. “Your attack is negated, and since we both have four or fewer cards in our hands, we draw until we have five cards in our hands.” said Tanaka. “Urg...I end my turn.” said Yuma. Tanaka’s Turn 7. “I activate Ultimate Offering. I can pay 500 Life Points to summon multiple times. Once for every 500 Life Points. I summon Fabled Raven. Then I pay 500 Life Points to summon Broww, Huntsman of the Dark World. Tanaka Life Points 3500. “Fabled Raven.....” murmured Shark. “I’ve never seen that card before, ura.” said Tokunosuke. “Its a Tuner monster. They’re used to summon Synchro Monsters.” explained Cathy. Shark had a stern look on his face, as if he had a feeling of what Tanaka was really doing. “I tune Fabled Raven with Broww. Forces combine to create a powerful new justice that can destroy almost anything, Synchro Summon! Destroy your enemies, Ally of Justice Catastor!” said Tanaka as a robot walking on 4 rod like leg appeared. It had a golden face plate with a circular core in the middle of it. “A-a Synchro monster?!” gasped Takashi. “Next I play another Dark World Dealings. We draw and discard a card, and the card I discarded was another Beige, so its Special Summoned. Now I pay another 500 Life Points with Ultimate Offering so I can Normal Summon a second Snoww, Unlight of the Dark World. I Overlay Snoww, and Beige. With these two monsters I create the Overlay Network, XYZ Summon! Steelswarm Roach!” shouted Tanaka as a demon with a cockroach persona and a sword was summoned. “Two Xyz monsters and a Synchro!” said Tetsuo with a concerned look. “Yuma...” said Kotori quietly. “This doesn’t look good for Yuma.” said Anna. “No. Its worse.....” squinted Shark. Everyone looked at Shark with fear and surprise. “As you probably know, Numbers are Blank Cards until someone finds them. Number 92: Samurai Mage- Storm Girl is actually the second Blank Card I’ve found. Blank Cards will take a form once their owner evolves their dueling skills. Once they take that appearance, they are like that forever. I was told Numbers are born from their original owner’s desires.” stated Tanaka as he closed his eyes and he got quiet. “In your case, it was to find a girl. A girl who didn’t like you because your a professional Duelist or a Martial Arts expert. One who loves you for who you are. Your called the Storm Warrior, so a portion of my effect involves WATER, LIGHT, WIND, and DARK monsters. Finally, your always willing to protect and help someone in danger, which is the other part of my effect.” came a voice. Everyone except Tanaka looked at Number 92. She let out a small giggle. “S-s-she can t-talk?!” gasped Takashi. “She speaks so well too.” said Cathy is shock. Astral was not surprised however. Storm Girl wasn’t the first Number able to communicate with humans. A low growl could be heard from Revise Dragon. Galaxy Queen smiled at the turn of events. It almost looked like she was laughing a little. “Being a pro is actually not its cracked up to be.” said Tanaka sadly. “So he’s just lonely and looking for love.....” said Kotori as she thought about something. “Back to my second Blank Card, I found it about a year ago. 92, lets do this!” yelled Tanaka. “Of course, hun. smirked Storm Girl. “I fuse Steelswarm Roach with Ally of Justice Catastor. Come forth.....” started Tanaka as the two monsters transformed into energy and fused. “Harmonia, the Exceed Princess!” shouted Tanaka as he help a card high above his head. A woman with a blue ponytail, a black and scarlet crown with crystals embedded on it, cyber looking armor, a silver dress, a Katana Sword, and two sets of wings. One pair resembling an Angel’s wings, the other pair resembling that of a Demon’s wings. She was equally beautiful as Number 92. Harmonia, the Exceeded Princess Level 10 LIGHT, ATK 3000 DEF 2500 Fusion, Warrior, Effect 1 Synchro Monster + 1 Xyz Monster You do not need “Polymerization” to summon this card. While on the field, in the Graveyard, and Banished, this card gains the Effects of the Synchro Monster used to summon it. Once per turn, select 1 Xyz Monster you control, and 1 monster in your Graveyard who’s Level is equal to that Xyz Monsters’s Rank. Attach that monster as an Xyz Material to the Xyz Monster. When this card is summoned from the Extra Deck, you can destroy 1 EARTH or FIRE monster on the field and inflict damage equal to its ATK to its owner’s Life Points. “What on earth is that, ura?!” panicked Tokunosuke. “I activate Harmonia’s effect. I can destroy Gogogo Golem and inlfict damage equal to its ATK.” began Tanaka. Harmonia slashed Gogogo Golem into two pieces. “Errrg!” groaned Yuma as his Life Points fell. Yuma LP 2200 “Harmonia may not be a Number, but she inherits Catastor’s ability to destroy any Non-DARK monster that she battles. Destroy Revise Dragon.” said Tanaka. Harmonia slashed Revise with her sword, as soon as the blade made contact, Revise Dragon exploded. “No!” screamed Kotori. “This is not good!” said Tetsuo. “Turn end.” said Tanaka. “Its almost over.” chuckled 92. Yuma’s Turn 8. Yuma looked at his hand and began to panic. “Gagaga Magician, Roulette of Hope, Effect Negation, Monster Reborn, Double or Nothing, and Wonder Wand......I can’t win.....I can’t do anything with these.....” he complained. “There is one move.” Astral began as he explained a winning combo. Yuma smiled. “Astral, its time we Bring It To Em.” he said. I switch Number 83 Galaxy Queen to Attack Position.” began Yuma. “What?!” exclaimed Tanaka and 92 together. “I equip Galaxy Queen with Wonder Wand give her 500 extra ATK.” said Yuma. Number 83: Galaxy Queen, ATK 1000, Xyz Materials 2. “Next I play Monster Reborn, to bring back Revise Dragon!” said Yuma as Revise reappeared, this time with no Xyz Materials and its ATK back at 2000. “Then I activate Effect Negation! I discard Gagaga Magician, and now Harmonia’s Effect is negated until the End Phase.” said Yuma Effect Negation Normal Spell Discard 1 card and negate the Effect of one monster on the field until the End Phase. Skip your next Draw Phase. “Revise Dragon attack Harmonia!” yelled Yuma. “Its ATK is lower by 1000. You do realize this, right?” said Tanaka. “I activate Roulette of Hope!” said Yuma. Roulette of Hope Quick-Play Spell Activate when an Xyz Monster you control declares an Attack, you can negate and increase its Attack by the total ATK of all other Xyz Monsters you control. “Then I activate Double or Nothing from my hand, since an attack was negated, the attacking monster’s ATK is doubled and it can attack again!” yelled Yuma. “WHAT?!” gasped Tanaka and 92 in horror. “Revise Dragon’s ATK becomes 6000!” yelled Yuma. Number 17: Revise Dragon, ATK 6000, Xyz Materials 0. “Revise Dragon, finish this! Vice Stream!” yelled Yuma. Tanaka looked scared, but Harmonia looked even more frightened. “Tanaka! My effect!” “Are you sure?!” he yelled. 92 looked at him with a sad smile. “92......Thank you....said Tanaka looking like he was going to cry. I activate Number 92: Samurai Mage- Storm Girl’s Effect! If a LIGHT, WATER, DARK, or WIND monster I control is going to be destroyed by battle, I can change the target of the attack to her!” yelled Tanaka as tears filled his eyes. 92 dashed towards Harmonia and pushed her out of the way of Revise Dragon’s attack. Harmonia looked back at 92, as she just simply went out with a smile. “GRROOOAHGGGHH!” yelled Tanaka as he took the force of the attack. Tanaka LP 0 WINNER YUMA. “Tanaka. I must go now. Thank you, and good luck. Before I go, remember, there is one other woman who likes you for who you are, and not your status. Good bye.” she said. Astral absorbed Number 92, and almost instantly, he regained a memory....... *memory* Astral saw himself staring at the shape of a girl, and a boy. He had no idea who the girl was, but he felt that he had seen the boy before. Both looked like they were in their early teens. “Come back safely.......” said the girl. “I promise....” replied the boy. *end of memory* After the vision ended, Astral noticed Tanaka had risen to his feet and Yuma was asking him if he was ok. Then he started to laugh. “I haven’t had such a fun duel in a long time. Thank you.” said Tanaka as he began to walk away. “See you guys around. Do me favor and take care of Number 92: Samurai Mage: Storm Girl.” smiled Tanaka. Yuma nodded with a smile. “I’ll treat her with the respect she deserves.” he promised. Meanwhile inside the Emperor’s Key. “So this is the Emperor’s Key.” said Storm Girl as she examined her new home. “Yeah. Its going to be nice to have another woman to talk to. It felt absolutely great to be summoned and get to see something for once.” stretched Galaxy Queen. “Tell me about it. I almost forgot what it feels like.” said Revise Dragon. “No hard feelings about the battle, right?” asked Storm Girl. “None at all.” said Galaxy Queen and Revise Dragon together. “Come meet the others, they’ll probably want to meet you in person.” said Galaxy Queen. Back outside the Emperor’s Key. Akari was fixing a tire on her motorcycle, when it began to roll away. “Ah crap.” she sighed. She then noticed it stopped. “Need some help?” asked Tanaka. Akari smiled as the 2 fixed the bike. “Looks like you saved me again.” she smiled. “Again, don’t mention it.” said Tanaka. Neither said anything for a moment. There’s a restaurant, not far from here if you wanted to grab a bite to eat.” Tanaka said. Akari noticed Tanaka was trying not to blush. She let out a laugh. “She thing, but your buying.” she laughed. Tanaka smiled and the two drove off. Later that day..... “I’m just too shy..... Maybe if I learn how to duel, I can know if Yuma likes me the way I like him.....” sighed Kotori. Kotori then noticed something on the ground, in front of her. “Whats this?” she wondered as she picked it up. Almost instantly, she felt strange, heavy, dark, and overflowing with power. The Blank Card transformed as a voice said, “Let the Number take hold.” A dark aura surrounded Kotori, and she let out a laugh. “Yuma....We’ll be together soon....” she laughed. [/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted July 15, 2012 Report Share Posted July 15, 2012 I hate it, fuck this story. Nah j/k. I haven't read it yet. It looks like every paragraph is a huge pile of text. It's an eyesore. T'would be nice if it were formatted better. I'll read it either later tonight or never. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jord200 Posted July 15, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 15, 2012 Edited the text layout a bit so its not such and eyesore. Thanks for the advice, Pika. EDIT- something is up with my Tab key. I'll try and reformat it the best I can for now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted July 15, 2012 Report Share Posted July 15, 2012 Tab doesn't work here. Just press enter twice between dialogue. Christ, is this your first story or something? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jord200 Posted July 15, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 15, 2012 [quote name='Hatcher' timestamp='1342368110' post='5979036'] Tab doesn't work here. Just press enter twice between dialogue. Christ, is this your first story or something? [/quote] In quite long time, yes. Why, is it bad? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted July 15, 2012 Report Share Posted July 15, 2012 I'm going to hate myself for this, but I promised I'd have a look at it, and I shouldn't chicken out. And.... well.... ...yes. There's being to the point and not wasting a word on unnecessary ones, and getting on with the action. Then there's just listing a series of actions and words without any real depth. Which is what this is. There's no description of anything, no 'setting the scene' (I know that's a contenious issue as to how much of this you should do, especailly as this is a Zexal story and the characters/settings are mostly provided, but still there should be some), no thoughts or emotions or... well anything. It's just a list of what people are doing or saying at any one time in more of a list than a paragraph. For example, setting up the duel. At least put a little bit of space between the characters, the ARV effect on the world as they see it as they prepare to battle, show off Yuma's thoughts and personality as they prepare for battle. Not just "You wanna duel?" "Yeah." "ARV link established". "I draw..." Speaking of lists of words; how many times do I have to tell people that when the speaker changes, a new paragraph is started? Every time, its a basic rule of English that teachers should have been drilling into people from seven years old. If it looks like a ton of one word lines that might pass off as the script of a play, like this probably would, then its a sign you need to some description and action in between. Or have people say more than one simple sentance at a time in some kind of rotation policy. The Numbers scene would have flowed so much better if they'd just designated a single main speaker and the others joined in occasionally with agreeing nods and mutterings (I remember when you did that scene in the Zexal discussion thread. The original version was a funnier read tbh). There are some plus points. I will find them. Tanaka as a custom character seems okay in principle, actually conversing with his Number as another entity and being consious of its existance as either an ally or reluctant partner or clashing heads is interesting, although there is very little more that can be derived. Really think these chapters could have been done as 1 to be honest. *clicks open Chapter 2* It's... I'm sorry that's just a script now. And why are we outright told *memory scene* by a note that says *memory scene* rather than... Dude I'm really sorry but... there's not a lot positive I can say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jord200 Posted July 15, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 15, 2012 [quote name='Majestic Star Bahamut' timestamp='1342384334' post='5979214'] I'm going to hate myself for this, but I promised I'd have a look at it, and I shouldn't chicken out. And.... well.... ...yes. There's being to the point and not wasting a word on unnecessary ones, and getting on with the action. Then there's just listing a series of actions and words without any real depth. Which is what this is. There's no description of anything, no 'setting the scene' (I know that's a contenious issue as to how much of this you should do, especailly as this is a Zexal story and the characters/settings are mostly provided, but still there should be some), no thoughts or emotions or... well anything. It's just a list of what people are doing or saying at any one time in more of a list than a paragraph. For example, setting up the duel. At least put a little bit of space between the characters, the ARV effect on the world as they see it as they prepare to battle, show off Yuma's thoughts and personality as they prepare for battle. Not just "You wanna duel?" "Yeah." "ARV link established". "I draw..." Speaking of lists of words; how many times do I have to tell people that when the speaker changes, a new paragraph is started? Every time, its a basic rule of English that teachers should have been drilling into people from seven years old. If it looks like a ton of one word lines that might pass off as the script of a play, like this probably would, then its a sign you need to some description and action in between. Or have people say more than one simple sentance at a time in some kind of rotation policy. The Numbers scene would have flowed so much better if they'd just designated a single main speaker and the others joined in occasionally with agreeing nods and mutterings (I remember when you did that scene in the Zexal discussion thread. The original version was a funnier read tbh). There are some plus points. I will find them. Tanaka as a custom character seems okay in principle, actually conversing with his Number as another entity and being consious of its existance as either an ally or reluctant partner or clashing heads is interesting, although there is very little more that can be derived. Really think these chapters could have been done as 1 to be honest. *clicks open Chapter 2* It's... I'm sorry that's just a script now. And why are we outright told *memory scene* by a note that says *memory scene* rather than... Dude I'm really sorry but... there's not a lot positive I can say. [/quote] Don't be sorry. Like I said, its my first fanfic in a LONG time. I knew I had probably gotten rusty, just didn't think it was this bad. I thank you for your comments, and helping figure out how I can make this not suck. For now, I'll scrap this and edit it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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