The Jester

[DemonicIntentions]

This is only the very beginning to a story I had planned on writing. I wrote it a few months ago but then scratched it and started something else entirely. Thought I'd post it and see if anyone likes it If not that's okay too ^^ But I would prefer constructive criticism! Thank you for your time.



Chapter 1
"Selain, you shouldn't be trying those clothes on! What if someone comes down here and sees you?!" I shook my head and slipped my feet into the tightly-fitted pants of a Court Jester, "Pauline, what are you so afraid of? I'm sick of wearing those stuffy dresses they give us; these look far more comfortable." She looked behind her to make sure no one was coming down the spiral stone steps before gliding over to me and resting her hand on my shoulder with that panicked expression that mother's get when watching their children set out on their own the first time. "You know the rules here, Selain. It is forbidden for women to wear the apparel of men; and even more forbidden to parade around as a personal favorite to the Master! They will not think twice about punishing you with the whip if you are spotted; of this you must know! It will be seen as mockery, a servant in Jester's clothes; a woman no less!" I finished dressing while she continued to complain, positioning the hat comfortably on my head and looking this way then that to hear the jingling of the bells. "Pauline, hand me that mask, won't you?" Her mouth was still moving while she grabbed for it and handed it to me; I smiled and put it on, giving a little twirl and stretching out my arms. "How do I look?" "You look like someone about to get us both in trouble. Have you had enough of acting the fool yet?" Ooh, that one stung a bit, "Don't you ever feel like you were made for more than a mere servant?"
Pauline's mouth fell open, "Selain! You of all people should be thankful to the Master, taking you in after being abandoned on the castle steps. Have you no decency?" I huffed, "Decency? I would have rather he threw me back into those dark woods! Being a servant is not something to be thankful of, Pauline. Don't you ever be grateful for this! Living to fulfill the wants of those pompous bastards is not what I dream of, I will never belong here." Crossing my arms and turning quickly on my heel, I blinked back the tears that threatened to fall down my cheeks. How could she be content with this life? The women were given away as rewards to Knights as soon as they were of age to conceive or sent as entertainment for the Master's beloved guests. I was no item and I refused to be treated like one for the rest of my life. "Pauline, tonight is another of those ceremonies. I was listening to the guards this afternoon and another of those Knights has come back from the battle with Lord Luan's champion victorious; he'll be given the opportunity to choose one of the servants as a reward." She looked at me and gave a small shrug, "What of it? Should he not be rewarded for such a feat?" Was she really so naive? "[i]We're[/i] of age now, Pauline! Are you really so willing to be sent into the house of a strange, ugly, old man?!" "It is our duty, Selain, I really wish you'd grow to understand that." I shook my head in disbelief; she really saw nothing wrong with it, saw nothing wrong with being [i]owned[/i]. We were no better than a horse in the Master's eyes and she was more than happy to neigh while being mounted by anyone he threw her at. I knew she didn't deserve that but I couldn't help it! The thought disgusted me beyond understanding.
I opened my mouth to try reasoning with her when footsteps could be heard descending the stairs. Oh no! I went to take off the outfit when Pauline shook her head and whispered frantically, "There isn't enough time, just stand there, don't speak, and hope to god that it isn't the Master." She turned and tended to the snacks that needed preparing; I quickly took an apple in my hand and bit into it, hard. A couple guards made their way into the room and nodded at Pauline, smiling; it took everything in my power not to roll my eyes at them. "We came down here to look for some entertainment and look what was to be found! Come, Jester, won't you perform for us upstairs? The main party has arrived and they are eager for laughs and folly." I've only seen a Jester's performance once throughout my entire life and I was a young girl, peeking through a crack from the broom closet. I shook my head and grinned widely, mimicking the voice of a man as best I could, "Ye want me to entertain? I'm afraid I know nothing of the sort, I'm but a humble servant to our Lord and Master," I bowed and looked for an exit; sadly the only way out were the very same steps these guards had come down, the ones they were now blocking. "Oh come now," the bigger one said as he grabbed for the Marotte leaning against the table and handing it to me. "We'd be more than pleased with your 'humble' performance," the two guards looked at each other and laughed. Slowly, I stretched out my hand and took it from him, the rod was lighter than it appeared. I saw no way out of this other than in chains, one look at Pauline told me I wasn't the only one thinking it. There was only one way to survive this unharmed and that was to play the part. Jesters mocked and amused, right? Better to try than just give in to a beating; maybe they'd forgive me if I put on a good show. "Lead the way."
The guards lead me up the stairs and to the main hall where lots of guests were gathered. I heard whispers of the Knight and how he'd come out unscathed, apparently he was incredibly fearsome and young which wasn't a usual combination. "I heard he killed Luan's champion with one swing of his mighty sword!" "Did you hear about that young Knight? It's said that he defeated his opponent by just gazing upon him!" Rumor after rumor, all barely creative and equally absurd; I gripped the Marotte more tightly. "Everyone! We've brought the entertainment!" The guard gave a hearty laugh and pushed me forward, my heart was beating loud enough to dance to. "Come now, we haven't got all day!" A large man said as he stuffed more food into his mouth, "Haven't got all day, you say? Nay, but you've certainly got the whole buffet stowed away." The room burst into laughter and someone shouted, "He's got you down to a T, Serge and he's only just met you!" The laughter broke out again and even Serge was laughing... well, laughing and swallowing at the same time. "Another!" Someone screamed in the back and everyone cheered in unison. This crowd didn't seem too hard to please, maybe I'd get through this alive.

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

Hello again. Nice to see a new member getting straight into it and being creative across the board, always good to see happen.

New fanfic story. Oh gawd why does it always seem to fall to me to be the first one to comment? Why?

Sorry ignore my mutterings. It's just if you were expecting to come back to a flood of comments, um... don't get your hopes up. Building a small following of readers is by no means impossible, but it is very hard, harder especially for non-YGO stories, and a lot of readers will be mute. Don't mean to discourage, we need new members doing stuff which is why I'm reviewing, just making you aware of reality.

Anyway, The Jester. First off, for the love of god why do I have to keep telling people a basic rule of English. ALWAYS start a new paragraph when the speaker changes.

Somebody else: "Really Matt?"

Me: "Yes, it is something you should have been doing at school from a young age. It makes it a lot clearer that a different person is speaking, and the whole thing easier to read." Someone else: "Really? I never knew that."

Me: "Well look up at that paragraph you've just spoiled there and how horrible it looks with that jumble of voices. Think of it as a conversation out loud and there being a lot of people talking at the same time over the top of each other, and how horribly loud and confusing that gets. Treat it the same way so that one person stops speaking to the person listening, pause, and then they start a new paragraph as they reply. Except keep spacing out speakers even when writing a scene that involves a lot of confused shouting."

Somebody else: "But all the time? Even if the paragraphs are really short to the point of even one sentence?"

Me: "Yes!"

Anyway, now we've got that basic lesson and pet peeve of mine out of the way, we'll come to the actual content. The setting is minimalist with not much spent on small details, or even that much spent on large details. There is no introduction of characters or background information as such, just straight into the action, which is very good and a skill I myself lack although some fleshing out could have been used for quirky, sartirical details given the topic of the fic, especially as it is just squeezing over the line of the minimum length limit (another good reason to space out paragraphs )

I enjoyed the interaction with the two serving girls, and I enjoyed their portrayal as polar opposites in their views and lifestyle choices. Everything came across for the most part in a shown manner as opposed to just being told, again a flaw of mine is to sometimes just say in a basic sentence 'Selian disliked her lords and her role as servant' wheras you've made that apparent in sppech and actions so well done there. I like a lot of the clever wordplay and analogies, such as the horse comparison and the buffet line. The whole thing read in period consistantly and was for the most part a very pleasant light hearted read.

Comedies are a rare thing on this forum, so I'm fascinated to see where this goes as it has potential. Please write more in chapters (and depth, because the scene did end rather quickly and Selains whole finished opening performance would have done an opening chapter more justice. Bit premature to think she's out of the woods after one joke and it wasn't much of a cliffhanger), and please tweak the basic stuff I mentioned. But overall my look on this is positive and I think you've got the makings of an excellent contributor to this section.

[DemonicIntentions]

[quote name='Majestic Star Bahamut' timestamp='1341960800' post='5973445']


Hello again. Nice to see a new member getting straight into it and being creative across the board, always good to see happen.

New fanfic story. Oh gawd why does it always seem to fall to me to be the first one to comment? Why?

Sorry ignore my mutterings. It's just if you were expecting to come back to a flood of comments, um... don't get your hopes up. Building a small following of readers is by no means impossible, but it is very hard, harder especially for non-YGO stories, and a lot of readers will be mute. Don't mean to discourage, we need new members doing stuff which is why I'm reviewing, just making you aware of reality.

Anyway, The Jester. First off, for the love of god why do I have to keep telling people a basic rule of English. ALWAYS start a new paragraph when the speaker changes.

Somebody else: "Really Matt?"

Me: "Yes, it is something you should have been doing at school from a young age. It makes it a lot clearer that a different person is speaking, and the whole thing easier to read." Someone else: "Really? I never knew that."

Me: "Well look up at that paragraph you've just spoiled there and how horrible it looks with that jumble of voices. Think of it as a conversation out loud and there being a lot of people talking at the same time over the top of each other, and how horribly loud and confusing that gets. Treat it the same way so that one person stops speaking to the person listening, pause, and then they start a new paragraph as they reply. Except keep spacing out speakers even when writing a scene that involves a lot of confused shouting."

Somebody else: "But all the time? Even if the paragraphs are really short to the point of even one sentence?"

Me: "Yes!"

Anyway, now we've got that basic lesson and pet peeve of mine out of the way, we'll come to the actual content. The setting is minimalist with not much spent on small details, or even that much spent on large details. There is no introduction of characters or background information as such, just straight into the action, which is very good and a skill I myself lack although some fleshing out could have been used for quirky, sartirical details given the topic of the fic, especially as it is just squeezing over the line of the minimum length limit (another good reason to space out paragraphs )

I enjoyed the interaction with the two serving girls, and I enjoyed their portrayal as polar opposites in their views and lifestyle choices. Everything came across for the most part in a shown manner as opposed to just being told, again a flaw of mine is to sometimes just say in a basic sentence 'Selian disliked her lords and her role as servant' wheras you've made that apparent in sppech and actions so well done there. I like a lot of the clever wordplay and analogies, such as the horse comparison and the buffet line. The whole thing read in period consistantly and was for the most part a very pleasant light hearted read.

Comedies are a rare thing on this forum, so I'm fascinated to see where this goes as it has potential. Please write more in chapters (and depth, because the scene did end rather quickly and Selains whole finished opening performance would have done an opening chapter more justice. Bit premature to think she's out of the woods after one joke and it wasn't much of a cliffhanger), and please tweak the basic stuff I mentioned. But overall my look on this is positive and I think you've got the makings of an excellent contributor to this section.
[/quote]

Thank you very much for taking the time out to read the post ^^
Also: that isn't the end of the chapter xD It was just all I wrote at the time. I ended up in a bad slum and couldn't write with my heart for a long while.
But I will finish the chapter and continue!
Yes, it did jump in rather quickly. The reasoning behind that is *Spoiler alert* Haha she won't be staying in the castle very much longer xP
I don't like wasting time on irrelevant detail.
Also: MUST I make a new paragraph for each speaker? I'm a very diligent reader and over 90% of the books I've read have had the speech written in the manner that I have written it. I thought an author/writer could decide for themselves on that particular format.
But all together!
I'm glad you understood the humor ^^ I thought it would evade some people haha
I'll get to writing more.

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

Ah, okay. Well it did its job as a prologue for now.

We all know what slumps are like

Don't know what you're reading, but every book I've just picked up follows the paragraphing like I said. Reading two people go back and forth in one paragraph is really not pleasant for readers (or for me at least). I dunno I end up picking up loads of people on it, got me doubting myself now.

Avoiding irrelevant detail is good, still might be good to throw in the odd bit of description or quirk of something small, just to take the accelerator a little bit off the floor.

[DemonicIntentions]

Oh deary me! I picked up a few of my books and you're right. My brain just never registered the new paragraphs for some reason though >< I read it all as one thing. I'm so sorry haha I started writing more and wrote it in your format anyway! I feel silly lol xD :3 Soon there will be more, I promise.

Here it is! The rest of the Chapter. Please tell me if this format is correct or if I still don't have it down quite right.

The laughter stopped suddenly, the silence spreading from the front of the Manor to where I stood. I turned on my heel, trying to see what had caused it, and gasped. The front doors of the Manor had been opened wide and the Master stood in the center, his champion to his right. His cold eyes gazed over the crowd, taking in everything; when his eyes passed over me I could have sworn he saw through my disguise, all the way to my very soul. He opened his mouth and his deep voice echoed in the hall, "Is everything to your liking?" He addressed the room as a whole and all his guests nodded in unison, almost as if put under a spell. It was Serge that broke the silence.
"Yes, Lord Edward; we were just being entertained by this Jester of yours, he's quite a hoot." My eyes widened and I silently cursed him for bringing the Master's attention onto me. The Master looked at me then, [i]really[/i] looked at me.
"Has he now? I pray he would continue the show." My heart was beating too loudly, the words I was supposed to speak running to far from my reach. I stared into those cold, dark brown eyes and wondered what horrors awaited me. His short silver hair glistened in the moonlight that was coming through the doors and I shuddered. I turned my eyes from his gaze and let them fall onto his Champion instead. He was young, for a Knight; with long golden hair that fell gently onto his chest. His green eyes were now on me as well, waiting for my response. One of the rumors was right at least, the Knight stood before us without a single scratch. He wore light armor over his chest, shoulders and knees. A long red cape fell only a few inches from the floor behind him and I could tell that the boots he wore were freshly polished. No doubt the Master had his Champion cleaned before bringing him here to show him off to the guests.
"Now that you've returned, O Champion, what is it you intend to do? Choose a bride and settle down or choose a girl and make her a fool?" He raised his eyebrow, taken back by my act of targeting him above all others.
"I intend to take neither, fool; I have come only to celebrate a glorious victory." The crowd cheered and raised their goblets and drank, as if his words were a toast. "But I do understand that was the intention of Lord Edward," he looked to the Master and the Master nodded.
"Will you not accept my gift, Dameun? It is tradition, after all." Dameun, is it? I huffed, even his name sounded stuck up.
"I'm afraid I'm far too young yet for all of that nonsense. I much rather keep my sword sharp along with my wits. Women have a tendency to change men and, as far as I'm concerned, I don't yet need changing." All of the men in the room laughed at Dameun's remark and the women just stood quietly at their sides. Pathetic, I thought; allowing such dominance by these cretins.
"Have you ever thought that maybe, per chance, it is the men that change the women? And all for the worse. They marry for Dowry to strengthen their purse." Dameun looked deeply into my eyes then, his own full of questions. I knew I was giving myself away but I could not help it; if my anger was a flame then his words have set my soul on fire. He opened his mouth to speak but before his words could escape his lips there were cries and shouts of "Fire" coming from the kitchen. I turned and ran, that's where Pauline was! I arrived at the staircase and my heart sank, several servants were running with buckets of water in an effort to stop the fire. My eyes started to tear, how could this have happened? I gripped the Marotte so tightly I thought it would break under my pressure. Something caught my eye from the window and I turned to find only the dark night staring back at me. I could have sworn... Making my way to the window, I fought back the tears that threatened to break free and peered out of the window. There was a gang of thieves outside! They were making their way to the front of the Manor; I turned and ran back to the guests and just as I was about to yell a warning the front doors that had been shut were burst open. The wretches ran through the doors with their weapons drawn and started slashing anyone that happened to be nearby. Men and women started screaming, blood-curdling screams; my body became heavy and I found it now impossible to move. One of the thieves leapt towards me, his bloody dagger extended, and the fear took hold of me, turning me into a still doll. Just as hid blade was about to pierce my flesh, Dameun drew his sword and sliced off the thief's hand; he fell to his knees, crying out in agony. "You really are the fool!" He turned to me and placed his hand on my shoulder, shaking me hard. "You must move!"
"Master..." the word was a whisper and Dameun shook his head.
"He's fine, he was safely escorted to a carriage by his trusted guards."
"Aren't you—"
"I chose to stay behind, someone has to deal with this mess." With that, he turned and attacked the next thief with all of his might. Another one came at me from behind and put his hands around my neck, trying to squeeze the life from me. That anger I felt before, that intense flame, I took hold of it now and threw the Marotte to the ground, moving my hands to his and digging my nails deeply into them. He screamed and let go, surprised that I had retaliated at all. I turned and balled my hand into a fist, punching him as hard as I could in his face. His eyes grew furious and he grabbed the dagger that had been sheathed to his side. He moved his left foot forward and tried plunging his dagger into my stomach but I grabbed his wrist in both of my hands and kicked him hard in his groin. His eyes widened and he slowly fell to the ground, dropping the dagger and cupping his now damaged good in both hands. "So you aren't hopeless after all." I turned to see that Dameun was standing behind me, taking in several deep breaths. I nodded and the mask that I had on to disguise myself came loose and fell to the ground. Dameun furrowed his eyebrows and I turned, did he see me? I started walking away from him and he put his hand on my shoulder again, "Wait, hold on." I shoved his hand from my shoulder and broke out in a run through the Manor and left through the back entrance, allowing myself to get lost in the crowd of guests that were holding each other and consoling one another.
"Selain?" I turned to see who it was that had called me and almost cried; Pauline stood there, with her arms outstretched, and I ran to her.
"I thought you were dead!"
"I'm so sorry; the fire broke out when I was getting some more towels to clean up a mess I had made. If it weren't for that..."
"No! Stop. Don't think about it. I'm just so glad you're not... that you're not..." my voice broke off and we both fell to the ground, cradling each other.
"Do you have any idea what's going on?" I looked at her and shook my head.
"I'm afraid I don't. I have no idea where those thieves came from or why they are here. The Master has had many parties so why tonight of all nights? Something doesn't make sense." I couldn't shake the feeling that this was no mere coincidence. Someone wanted the Master dead but wasn't dumb enough to dirty his or her own hands. Pauline looked at me and gasped,
"Selain, your clothes! Quickly, to the barn." The two of us ran to the barn and she brought me spare clothing that was kept in the chest in the back. I changed quickly and hid the Jester's clothing in one of the hay stacks.
"That was far more fun than I want to have again, ever." Pauline nodded her head.
"I agree."

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

First of all, I apologise that I haven't commented on the rest of the story. I was hoping others might voice their opinion. But since this has dropped to page 2.

Read the second part, and the wordplay remains good and the action is there, although it moves extremely rapidly from one diaster to another. It's very hard to keep suspense going when no one diaster is focused on for a more than a few seconds before a second one comes along. But there was action.

Yes the formatting is better, although could do with spacing between paragraphs tbh.

I hope this is to be continued, because it is a good read. And there are surely others who feel the same, since I'm not responsible for all 80 views *glares at people for not commenting*

[DemonicIntentions]

Lmao I appreciate your time and effort to help me along ^^ I've been working on a book for the last year and a half and I got back into finishing it up.
Been in a funk haha.
But thank you again