Dwarven King Posted May 4, 2012 Report Share Posted May 4, 2012 The following is a story that recently popped into my head. I then spent a few days developing it, and now I feel like I am ready to write it. I'll start with Chapter 1! Reviews would be nice. ^^ [spoiler=Prologue]The man slowly opened his eyes as his senses began to alert him to his surroundings. It only took a few seconds to realize he was in a confined space. He attempted to struggle, but realized he hadn't quite got feeling back into his limbs. Panic started to quick in, but he quickly suppressed it. A calm fell over him as he took a deep breath and peered out the small window directly over his face. Not much could be made out as the main lights were out, and the back up ones were flickering. "Crysis pod off-line." a voice sounded throughout the room. "Crysis pod?" he mumbled as he turned his focus back to remembering. "Re-routing power from third power system." He shook his head after realizing he didn't have much time and turned his focus back to his limbs. He had to get out, and quickly. "Power re-routed. Restoring Crysis pod to full capabilities." "s***!" His arm began to move as feeling started to creep back into it. With much struggling, he raised his right hand up before him and placed it firmly on the window. The world before him immediately went black. "Crysis pod on-line." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Status report!" demanded the man standing in the middle of the room. "All systems are back online and fully functional Captain!" answered a young man, no older than his early twenties, sitting at a computer screen. "No permanent damage detected and we are still on course." "And the package?" "Secured sir." "Good." The Captain sighed in relief before pressing the button on the desk next to him. "Attention all passengers. This is your Captain speaking. What you just experienced is a common occurrence on ships that travel for extending periods of time. Especially if it's six months. Basically, power system just told us it needed to take a rest. But that's why we have multiple systems up and ready to take over at minute's notice. Again, there is nothing to be alarmed about. Please resume your leisure activities." He pressed the button once more and sat in the chain next to the desk. "Alright, someone tell me why Power System B just went off-line. We just transferred to it last week, and these systems are designed to last a month each." His eyes roamed over every man in the room. "Well?" A short man in his late thirties stood up from his seat. "We are uncertain of the cause sir. But we believe that the asteroids we encountered the other day may have played a part in this." The Captain turned his gaze to the man. "How? This ship is designed to take a beating from a bloody war ship! How did asteroids shut down our Power System?" "No idea sir. Maybe a smaller asteroid found it's way into the thrusters?" "Is that possible? And would it cause this?" "N-no sir." "Then find out what caused our Power System to fail and make sure it never happens again! All of you!" "Sir yes sir!" shouted all the men in the room before they turned back to their duties. The Captain let out another sigh and leaned back in his chair. He raised his hand up and cupped his chin, his greying beard mashed between his hand and chin. [i]"Is the system faulty?" [/i]he thought to himself. [i]"No, can't be. If it was, it wouldn't have lasted it's first run through on the six month trip to the half-way point. No, something caused this." [/i]The Captain narrowed his eyes as he looked out the great window before him and out into Space. [i]"Whatever it is, it better not cause any more trouble or scare me like that again. The last thing I need is for that pod to open."[/i][/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The White Wolf Posted May 4, 2012 Report Share Posted May 4, 2012 I bet you're happy I told ya what ya did wrong XD Anyway I enjoyed it, MOAR! XD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andromachae Posted May 4, 2012 Report Share Posted May 4, 2012 I remember saying something about a six month time period between worlds, and another thing relative to an astroid. Did you consider those ideas? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted May 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2012 [quote name='Ghost Orchid' timestamp='1336110497' post='5932296'] I remember saying something about a six month time period between worlds, and another thing relative to an astroid. Did you consider those ideas? [/quote] I did. Or the time lapse anyway. 6 months seemed the most reasonable. As for the asteroid...I can't say much without giving away a surprise! O: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andromachae Posted May 4, 2012 Report Share Posted May 4, 2012 I was thinking, six months from the first planet to the second, then 2 1/2 to the third. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agro Posted May 4, 2012 Report Share Posted May 4, 2012 You should sincerely re-read everything you write before posting. Not only were there grammatical and spelling errors here and there, but there were several instances of poor sentence structure and word choice. I'd like to let you know that the word "set" still exists in the English language and deserves ample spots in the first paragraph. As far as the characters, well, it's a prologue, so I'll give it some leeway, but honestly speaking, this shouldn't even be considered that. A prologue is supposed to be an introduction to a story that gives background information that sets up the main story. THIS, on the other hand, I would consider to be the beginning of Chapter 1. Speaking of which, how long was this in Microsoft Word? It seems rather on the short end. Anyway, as this acts more like the beginning of a chapter instead of the actual prologue, I'll review it as if it were the start of the main story. I laughed when I finished the first part. I just didn't take the man's reaction seriously. The first thing someone would do when they wake up in a concealed area that gives them almost no room to move won't be so calm like that, especially if they don't remember how they got there. It doesn't even matter if they can look outside, and even if they may be groggy. They aren't going to be that calm. If they don't remember why they're there, they're going to panic. At least until he gets completely free or someone tells him not to panic and explains the situation. He definitely won't immediately surpress it like he did, especially considering he's just woken up from deep sleep and won't have his full wits about him. The other thing I noticed was how much description you gave to the surroundings. How does he know that the main lights were out, how does he know that those are the back-up lights and not the main ones? You say in the following paragraph that he doesn't remember why he's even there, he shouldn't know about the area if he can't remember that bit. Basic state of mind and thought process is always important when writing a character. You, as a writer have to write based on what the character would actually do, in a way that will make the reader think the characters to be believable. As the narrator, you need to maintain the perspective of the character, describing his thoughts and actions. That means that you shouldn't be describing something with information that the character would not know, or in this case, remember. The only real exclusion, at least that I can think of, for this clause is foreshadowing or ironic purposes, where the reader knows something that the character does not. Anywho, the rest, as far as plot was concerned, seemed fine. It hinted at a few things, but honestly none of it really caught my attention or made me want to read more. So if you were going to say anything about me not reviewing it as a prologue, stop there, because it did not even accomplish the most basic task of one. It needs some work. Be sure to re-read chapter one before you post it, else you'll hear more of the same from me and assumably others. Also, since it will come up if you mishandle it, be sure to make your characters likable and relatable. Pika gets on this more than anyone, but if you haven't fleshed out your characters by the end of the first chapter, someone will get on your case about it. That whole, initial exposition and what not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andromachae Posted May 4, 2012 Report Share Posted May 4, 2012 But all else, you did a great job. I think I'll put the slip-space rupture in my novel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted May 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2012 [quote name='Ghost Orchid' timestamp='1336113158' post='5932317'] I was thinking, six months from the first planet to the second, then 2 1/2 to the third. [/quote] Half-way point, remember? It's only logical that there be the same time to the half-way point, and away from it. Make sense? [quote name='Aggro' timestamp='1336113248' post='5932318'] You should sincerely re-read everything you write before posting. Not only were there grammatical and spelling errors here and there, but there were several instances of poor sentence structure and word choice. I'd like to let you know that the word "set" still exists in the English language and deserves ample spots in the first paragraph. As far as the characters, well, it's a prologue, so I'll give it some leeway, but honestly speaking, this shouldn't even be considered that. A prologue is supposed to be an introduction to a story that gives background information that sets up the main story. THIS, on the other hand, I would consider to be the beginning of Chapter 1. Speaking of which, how long was this in Microsoft Word? It seems rather on the short end. Anyway, as this acts more like the beginning of a chapter instead of the actual prologue, I'll review it as if it were the start of the main story. I laughed when I finished the first part. I just didn't take the man's reaction seriously. The first thing someone would do when they wake up in a concealed area that gives them almost no room to move won't be so calm like that, especially if they don't remember how they got there. It doesn't even matter if they can look outside, and even if they may be groggy. They aren't going to be that calm. If they don't remember why they're there, they're going to panic. At least until he gets completely free or someone tells him not to panic and explains the situation. He definitely won't immediately surpress it like he did, especially considering he's just woken up from deep sleep and won't have his full wits about him. The other thing I noticed was how much description you gave to the surroundings. How does he know that the main lights were out, how does he know that those are the back-up lights and not the main ones? You say in the following paragraph that he doesn't remember why he's even there, he shouldn't know about the area if he can't remember that bit. Basic state of mind and thought process is always important when writing a character. You, as a writer have to write based on what the character would actually do, in a way that will make the reader think the characters to be believable. As the narrator, you need to maintain the perspective of the character, describing his thoughts and actions. That means that you shouldn't be describing something with information that the character would not know, or in this case, remember. The only real exclusion, at least that I can think of, for this clause is foreshadowing or ironic purposes, where the reader knows something that the character does not. Anywho, the rest, as far as plot was concerned, seemed fine. It hinted at a few things, but honestly none of it really caught my attention or made me want to read more. So if you were going to say anything about me not reviewing it as a prologue, stop there, because it did not even accomplish the most basic task of one. It needs some work. Be sure to re-read chapter one before you post it, else you'll hear more of the same from me and assumably others. Also, since it will come up if you mishandle it, be sure to make your characters likable and relatable. Pika gets on this more than anyone, but if you haven't fleshed out your characters by the end of the first chapter, someone will get on your case about it. That whole, initial exposition and what not. [/quote] Thank you Aggro. I appreciate your review and I will be keeping this all in mind when I get Chapter 1 up. I promise that Chapter 1 will be much better. As for his reaction to being in the pod...well...it's hard to explain it without giving away the surprises I'm holding until later. Let's just say that his life has allowed him to develop...instincts...and he has been in many...situations...that would be far to much for most people. Basically, pure instinct mainly is what contributed to his reaction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agro Posted May 4, 2012 Report Share Posted May 4, 2012 [quote name='Dwarven King' timestamp='1336113661' post='5932322'] As for his reaction to being in the pod...well...it's hard to explain it without giving away the surprises I'm holding until later. Let's just say that his life has allowed him to develop...instincts...and he has been in many...situations...that would be far to much for most people. Basically, pure instinct mainly is what contributed to his reaction. [/quote]If situations and instincts were relevant, you should have included it. As it is now, you can't use that as an argument. Don't try to explain something that isn't there. Instead, make sure that it's there. Else you'll end up with the same result: a laughable action by a character. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andromachae Posted May 4, 2012 Report Share Posted May 4, 2012 Yes I did remember that, but when knowing about planetary alignment, rotation, and orbit... Or is It at the same distance due to these facts? And about me liking aggro's post, I'm an author myself, six fully written(two published) books. Six part novel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted May 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2012 [quote name='Aggro' timestamp='1336113980' post='5932324'] If situations and instincts were relevant, you should have included it. As it is now, you can't use that as an argument. Don't try to explain something that isn't there. Instead, make sure that it's there. Else you'll end up with the same result: a laughable action by a character. [/quote] Aggro, it was there. Just didn't know how to put it there. Know what I mean? [quote name='Ghost Orchid' timestamp='1336114043' post='5932325'] Yes I did remember that, but when knowing about planetary alignment, rotation, and orbit... Or is It at the same distance due to these facts? And about me liking aggro's post, I'm an author myself, six fully written(two published) books. Six part novel. [/quote] Same distance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andromachae Posted May 4, 2012 Report Share Posted May 4, 2012 @ dwarven king. Well then, I've nothing more to add, yet, but I would suggest making a rough draft of each situation, that's how I id it. " That's how dad did it, that's how America does it, and it's worked out pretty well so far." @ aggro. If ever you are interested in reading/judging a cutscene from one of my novels, please feel free to ask. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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