Yu-Gi-Oh: The 7 Sons

[Enguin Enguin Enguin Enguin]

Yeah. I'm not gonna say this is extremely bad, but it isn't good. I want to become a good writer, and I'm OK writing complete bullshit joke stories but not proper serious ones.
This is the latter, and I confess that I just...couldn't keep it fully serious and put in a stupid Mortal Kombat reference towards the end. This is only the first chapter, I haven't had anyone proofread it, the story line doesn't really start until a bit later on but....
Basically, I'll probably finish this anyway, but whether or not I post it here depends on if anyone actually likes it.

So after all that, here it is.

[spoiler=Chapter 1: I Can't Think Of An Appropriate Title]The young boy walked through the busy streets, following the directions he had been given, looking for his card. The boy’s name was Sandro. His card had been stolen from his home, but he had not told his father. He had followed the instructions left on a note where the card had been. He glanced down at it now, smoothing it out after it crumpled in his pocket as he walked.
He came to an alley way. He checked again to see if it was the right one, and walked on. The alley seemed to go on and on, and the boy took his time, not wanting to make a wrong step. Eventually he came to a dead end, or that was what it seemed. He looked down at the instructions again, and placed his right hand on the wall.
“Spirit of the Shadows, I have come to test myself.”
The wall shimmered, and then vanished to be replaced by darkness. The boy stepped forward. He instantly felt cold, horribly cold, and just before he wanted to scream and run and never look back and forget about the stupid card....he felt warm. He realized he was holding his breath, and exhaled. He let his eyes adjust to the darkness, and could then make out a shape in the shadows. He walked towards it. It was a man. He had a relatively short beard and was balding. He wore a black suit with a black shirt and tie. That was all Sandro could make out.
“D-do you have m-my card?”
“Yes fool! Of course I do. Why else would I have left you those instructions? I have the card, but it is not the one I want, no. To take [i]that[/i] one, I must defeat you in a duel.”
“W-what? I don’t have a duel disk, o-or m-m-my....my....” Sandro stopped in amazement as a duel disk materialized on his right arm. It was pure black, like the area around them, but the card slots were a pale blue.
“Did...you do that?” he stuttered to the man.
“No, I wonder who di- OF COURSE I DID THAT”, he thundered. The anger in his voice stunned Sandro, who fell back in surprise. “Come on and get up, let’s get this over with.”
“Uh...OK. But if I win, I’ll get my card back? And I’ll get to leave here?”
“Hmph, we’ll see won’t we?”
A duel disk the same as Sandro’s appeared on the man’s arm. He reached into a pocket in his shirt and pulled out his deck. He shoved it into the disk slot. Sandro reached into his jeans and pulled out a random assortment of cards he called his deck and did likewise.
“Duel.”
Both players duel disks lit up with the number 4000 glowing red.
“I’ll go first” Sandro said, thinking out loud as they hadn’t formally agreed.
“Go on then.”
“Ummmmmm....”
Sandro looked down on what was, to be fair, a bad hand pulled from a bad deck. He couldn’t remember the last time he had beaten anyone other than his brother.
“I summon Battle Ox.”
The man laughed.
“Battle Ox? This is going to be even easier than I thought.”
Sandro was feeling nervous now. He was unsure what to go for next.
“I activate the Spell Card Double Summon, which allows me to make another Normal Summon this turn.”
“I know what it does.”
The old man smiled to himself. He knew what the boy was going to do next.
“And....I use my extra summon to summon another Battle Ox.”
This is not what the old man had predicted.
“What? You’re not going to summon it?”
“No.”
“Summon it! I am Calder, the master of these Shadows! I command you to summon it!”
“Why? Why is it so important? Who says it’s even in my hand?”
“I know it is, I can feel it’s power from here. It does not matter. I will still defeat you. I draw.”
Calder observed the field, then his hand.
“I use Cyber Dragon’s effect to Special Summon it. Now, I activate my own Double Summon. I Normal Summon Rescue Rabbit and use his effect to Special Summon two Alexandrite Dragons to my field. Now, I use my extra Normal Summon and tribute Cyber Dragon and my two Alexandrite Dragons, to summon the legendary beast of myth and power, THE WINGED DRAGON OF RA!”
Sandro all but cried.
A huge fearsome dragon rose up from the ground, its wings beating majestically, and Sandro knew he was in real trouble. He had heard stories about the Winged Dragon of Ra, but he never dreamed he’s really see it, let alone have to play against it.
“NO! Stop! I’ll give you the card!”
“I told you already, I can’t just take it, I have to win it from you. I pay 2000 of my Life Points to destroy both of your Battle Oxes.”
Sandro was on the verge of tears. He knew what happened to people who lost here.
“NO! PLEASE!”
Calder continued, ignoring Sandro.
“Now I give 1900 of my Life Points to my dragon to make him stronger, and activate Monster Reborn, to bring back my Cyber Dragon!”
Sandro turned and tried to run but found he couldn’t. His legs were being anchored down by the darkness around him.
“Please don’t! Please!”
“Sorry boy. It is how it is. Cyber Dragon, attack him directly!”
The mechanical dragon sent a laser beam directly at Sandro. He knew that in a regular duel, it was just a harmless hologram. This wasn’t a normal duel.
“AAAAGH!”
Sandro felt the laser burn his skin, he was ready to die, and knew he was about to, but that didn’t make it fair. [i]I’m only 14[/i], thought Sandro. [i]What will my parents do when they find out? WILL they find out? [/i]He couldn’t focus now, the pain overwhelmed him. His duel disk glowed with a red 1900.
He was finished.
“And now, Winged Dragon of Ra...FINISH HIM!”
Sandro watched in terror as the dragon flew into the air high above him, then came crashing down, becoming a meteor hurtling towards him, surrounded in a blinding yellow light. It got closer...and closer.....and....closer......
Sandro’s Life Points flashed 0 and he collapsed on the ground.
Calder gleefully approached him. He picked up his deck and threw away all of it, except the card he had come for. He didn’t understand how it had ended up in this young boy’s possession, but that didn’t matter now, as he had it finally. He had 2 of the cards he needed. He knew where to look for the third.[/spoiler]

Please don't hurt me.

[Enguin Enguin Enguin Enguin]

OK come on....comments are pretty much guaranteed to get a rep.

[Tentacruel]

Something. *Shot with hundreds of arrows*



It's not terrible, but it seems fairly rushed. Try fleshing out the story more and giving more lengthy descriptions.

[.Rai]

I believe the problem here is that the description is too vague and too artificial.

First line is already kinda annoying me. You introduce him as 'the young boy', which I initially assumed was because he was going to be anonymous for a while, but his name is introduced in the next sentence in a really unnatural format.

How important are Yu-Gi-Oh cards in the story that Sandro feels it's taboo to tell his father that he lost one?

[quote]“I activate the Spell Card Double Summon, which allows me to make another Normal Summon this turn.”
“I know what it does.”
The old man smiled to himself. He knew what the boy was going to do next.
“And....I use my extra summon to summon another Battle Ox.”
This is not what the old man had predicted.
“What? You’re not going to summon it?”
“No.”[/quote]

This genuinely makes no sense unless you made a typo somewhere.

Also, the duel was ridiculous. The mysterious cliché shadow duelist somehow had a perfect hand. Which seemed unneeded even against this poor boy.

Umm, well, it's hard to judge so far based on what's here, but needs some improvement, I guess. The grammar, fix it maybe?

[Northern Sage]

[quote name='.Rai' timestamp='1336075299' post='5931848']
This genuinely makes no sense unless you made a typo somewhere.

[/quote]
"It" in this case refers to an unspecified card, not the mentioned Battle Ox, but the structure is still faulty and confusing, because this is a plot point that isn't working because of the vagueness.
Yeah...
The language doesn't flow well, the story feels rushed at points and it just doesn't work for me. The entire thing is just too vague.

[The Deity Quetzalcoatl]

Sure it's rushed and vague, but it's the start of a story-- vague is usually how they start.
I like it. It kept my attention and I enjoyed reading the duel.
Now that being said better description as well as using the dialouge to portray emotion more effectively would be nice.

[Enguin Enguin Enguin Enguin]

[quote name='The Deity Quetzalcoatl' timestamp='1336823466' post='5937908']
Sure it's rushed and vague, but it's the start of a story-- vague is usually how they start.
I like it. It kept my attention and I enjoyed reading the duel.
Now that being said better description as well as using the dialouge to portray emotion more effectively would be nice.
[/quote]

You appear to be the only one who got that....it was deliberately vague so that I could get into the story quicker....I dunno, but it just felt like the right way to do it, that's what I do whenever I have to write a story. To be honest, I totally stopped writing this but that comment....well since someone liked it I'm gonna continue it. Anyway...


[quote name='Comrade Trollestia' timestamp='1336074772' post='5931840']
It's not terrible, but it seems fairly rushed. Try fleshing out the story more and giving more lengthy descriptions.
[/quote]

I...hate....descriptive writing. I really really do. Honestly, if I'm reading a book or whatever and there's like a paragraph of describing things....I skip it. This is mainly because once I hear a name of a character and something they say or do, I just put a real face to it, or a face I've seen somewhere. As you can imagine it makes some stuff I read conflict with how I imagine the character but.....I don't know why I do that. I just do.


[quote name='.Rai' timestamp='1336075299' post='5931848']
I believe the problem here is that the description is too vague and too artificial.

First line is already kinda annoying me. You introduce him as 'the young boy', which I initially assumed was because he was going to be anonymous for a while, but his name is introduced in the next sentence in a really unnatural format.

How important are Yu-Gi-Oh cards in the story that Sandro feels it's taboo to tell his father that he lost one?


Also, the duel was ridiculous. The mysterious cliché shadow duelist somehow had a perfect hand. Which seemed unneeded even against this poor boy.
[/quote]

The guy had a perfect hand to finish the duel quick. And he could easily have stacked his deck, as it is a children's card game. He's not as clichéd in the latter bits.
I was gonna leave him anonymous but just decided not to.

Well anyway I'm gonna rewrite chapter 1 and put it up at the same time as chapter 2 i.e. in around a week.

[Randomflyingobjects]

I know sometimes it's good to be vague, but this was perhaps a little [i]too [/i]vague. The worst part, though, is you throwing in the Winged Dragon of Ra. The guy seemed to use it casually, as he would do using any old card. I think that he'd have used it with more emotion, in this case, full of extreme power. On top of that, if the guy was so expectant of the kid using 'it', why didn't he use his own 'it', because it mentions that he already had one. Anyway, I know how it is, having some random person there to influence the plot, then later deciding that he should come up again later on. I'm eager to see where this leads.