Black Out - A Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan-Fic.

[L0SS]

[color=#FF0000][b]Prologue:[/b][/color]
[spoiler='Spoiler']
How far do you have to go to make the world listen? Mason Burke wanted to know the answer to that question. His hand griped the barrel of a revolver; tightly placed around the cold, metal mass.
He flipped it around into his palm, pointing the barrel towards his target like an over-confident mobster; about to make his first kill to impress his superiors.

"Duel me." He uttered. He allowed a sly smile to crawl up his face.

"Wouldn't a simple phone call have sufficed?" Replied Jack Nickel. His voice was like dark treacle.
Mason noticed a distant look upon Jack's thin, defined face; as if he was pondering some ancient riddle. He cocked the revolver, and watched as Jack's face turned from one of deep thought to one of deep dread. Just what Mason was looking for.

"Duel me now, and lets end this charade once and for all."

"It would be my pleasure. But tell me this; was all the pain, and anguish, and burden you faced worth it? Is this really an excuse for all the bloodshed?" Jack asked, already knowing the answer.

"What do you know of pain, or suffering, or anything in the nature of fear? You couldn't comprehend what I've been through, what I've seen. I didn't come here to get insulted. Your ignorance precedes you."
Mason was bitter, but he didn't care. He had been working too hard for too long to have his motives questioned. All he had ever wanted was to be respected.

[i][b]Was that so much to ask?[/b][/i]

"Don't flatter yourself.
You're just a normal young man with delusions of grandeur.
The world doesn't owe you anything. I don't owe you anything. But here we are."

Jack's southern drawl could make the most profound statement seem entirely logical, but Mason wouldn't allow himself to be taken in. He was stubborn, but he knew what Jack was trying to do. He was trying to talk him out of it.

"Let's see if your still worth your crown. Let's see if you deserve the title of Duel champion."

"Whatever happens here Mason, you don't."

Mason undid the zip of his leather jacket and pulled out his deck. He took a deep breath and prepared for the defining moment in his infamous career.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[/spoiler]

[color=#FF0000][b]Chapter 1: (Read prologue above first)[/b][/color]
[spoiler='Spoiler']
Mason Burke's Duel Disk flashed into life. It's world famous matte black surfacing was juxtaposed with the intimidating glare of it's red LEDs.

Mason carefully placed his deck into the disk, and allowed his body to relax. He had to focus now. He had to forgot everything it had taken to get here. He had to forget living on the street. He had to forget the kidnappings.
He had to forget his whole Goddamn company.

[b][i]He had to forget Zara.[/i][/b]

But he couldn't forget her.
He couldn't forget her pale face. He couldn't forget her large, comforting eyes.
He couldn't forget her soft tone of voice, or her steely demeanor when the situation called for it.
He could remember everything about her.

"Daydreaming hotshot?"
Jack sounded amused.

"Don't patronize me. I'll go first." Mason snarled, drawing six cards.

He surveyed his hand. One 'Dragunity Phalanx', One 'Dragunity Aklys', Two 'Dragunity Dux', One 'Cards of Consonance', and One 'Royal Decree'.
He had everything he needed to open this Duel up in style.

"For my first move, I'll activate Cards of Consonance; and discard 'Dragunity Phalanx' to my grave to draw two cards.

A perfect move. He placed Phalanx casually into the Graveyard and drew: One Dragon's Ravine and One Icarus Attack.

"I'll activate the field spell Dragon's Ravine and use it's effect. By discarding Dragunity Aklys in my hand, I can send One Phalanx from my deck to the graveyard."
Two Phalanxes in the graveyard would give him some extra support. He looked through his hand, scanning for a combo.
And he found one.

"I summon 'Dragunity Dux' in attack mode, and activate his effect."
A Phalanx flew back from his graveyard and into the S/T zone.

"Now I will use Phalanx's effect to Special Summon him onto the field.
Which means, by sending both monsters to the Graveyard, I can Synchro summon Brionac, Dragon of the Ice Barrier!"

Brionac materialized in front of the Duelists in a blaze of white light.

Mason knew that this was going to be a walk-over. He had forgotten how slow 'Old-man' Jack had become.

Mason slotted Royal Decree into his S/T zone and ended his phase.

Across the other side of the dusty apartment room, Jack Nickel processed the field. One nasty looking monster, one nasty looking face-down, and one nasty looking young man.

Jack carefully drew his hand. One Card Destruction, One 'Goldd, Wu-Lord of Dark World', One 'Sillva, Warlord of Dark World', One 'Broww, Huntsman of Dark World', and Two 'Dragged Down into the Grave'.
It was a great hand, and an easy move.

"Good old Brionac. Tell me... is that the card you obtained from torturing that Russian business man?" Jack wasn't pulling any punches.

"How did you..."

"Find out about it? I have contacts my friend. I know some very powerful people. Now. I'll activate Card Destruction, meaning... well, you know the drill."
Jack slipped his hand into the grave with a smile. Mason wasn't so enthusiastic.

"Next I'll activate the effects of Goldd, Sillva and Broww in my grave; meaning Goldd and Sillva are summoned to the field and I get to draw a card."
'Sillva' and 'Goldd' were pulled onto the field. Mason's face was ghost white.

"Goldd; attack Brionac." Jack said casually, as if the duel was already won.
Mason watched in horror as both monsters clashed, exploding into tiny shards.

"You know what comes next Mason." Jack was rubbing it in. He wanted Mason to feel pain. He wanted Mason to know just how pathetic he was.

"Sillva, attack Mason directly." Jack said in a cold, level voice. Their was no point in shouting; no point in getting over excited. He was just taking advantage of an ignorant fool.

Mason grimaced as Sillva lunged straight at him. He heard the trickle of the life-point counter as it calculated the damage.

Mason - 5700

Jack - 8000

Jack had forgotten to draw Five more cards due to Card Destruction's effect. He added them to his hand. A Monster Reborn, Two Fabled Raven, and One Zure, Knight of Dark World. He spied another move to make.

"I'm not finished yet." Jack smirked. "I'll activate Monster Reborn, to Special Summon Goldd from my graveyard in attack position."

Mason didn't know when this onslaught was going to end.

"I'll overlay them both to Xyz summon Adreus, Keeper of Armageddon."
Mason hadn't seen that coming.

"And to finish my turn, I'll detach one Xyz material to destroy your Set card."
Royal Decree shattered and reformed in Mason's grave.

Mason's field had been cleared and he was now face-to-face with one angry looking piece of work.

"It's your move." Jack smiled.[/spoiler]

Chapter 2:
[spoiler='Spoiler']


Mason Burke had wildly underestimated his opponent. He hadn't expected Jack to keep up with the rest of the dueling world.
He had been under the impression that the latest card type Jack had heard of began with an R and ended with Itual.

He had been very wrong.

It took a minute for him to translate his hand into moves. He ruffled his strategic mess of black hair, feeling beads of sweat drip through his hands and onto the harsh marble floor of Jack's open-plan penthouse.

He had One Legionnaire, One Dux, One Heavy Storm, and One Fabled Cerburrel. A decent hand, but nothing that could get rid of Adreus. The best Synchro he could make was... [i]a Level 6.[/i]

"Right back at you Jack." Mason snapped, suddenly; with more vigor than intended.

"This should be interesting." Jack mused.

"I'll summon Dux in Attack mode, and activate his effect."
Déjà vu suddenly hit Jack. He knew what was coming now, but he couldn't figure out Mason's plan. He didn't know any Level 6 Synchro Mason owned that could defeat his Adreus. 2600 atk was pretty formidable.
To say he wasn't curious would be lying.

Phalanx once again returned to the field, with a roar of anticipation. It's detailed armor glistened in the distant light of a sleeping city.

"And now I'll Synchro summon Dragunity Knight - Vajrayana."
The fierce crimson dragon shot onto the field in a crackle of lightning.

"Effect time." Mason said, with a triumphant grin.

Jack watched in puzzlement as Phalanx appeared for a third time.

"Don't see it yet? I'll Synchro Vajrayana and Phalanx together to summon Red Dragon Archfiend in attack mode."

Now Jack did see. Vajrayana was merely a tool to get Archfiend on the field. He watched intensely as Archfiend swooped down in a swirl of lava.
He would almost have been impressed, if he hadn't of known how Mason had obtained the card.
Bribery, if his memory served him correctly.

"Archfiend, attack!" Mason shouted, motioning forward with an outstretched arm. Archfiend obeyed, firing a gargantuan blast of fire straight towards Adreus; who was reduced to smoldering ashes.

Jack's life points laboriously slipped down to 7600.

Mason - 5700

Jack - 7600

His demeanor was still icy cool. He had plenty more tricks up his sleeve. Jack Nickel wouldn't allow himself to lose to a self-obsessed low-life.

"I'll end my turn."
Mason had turned the situation around, and now had one of his most powerful monsters in play. He was feeling rather smug about himself.

Jack drew a card. It was Dark World Dealings.
He gazed at Mason. What was going on in that boy's mind? How could he possibly justify the people's lives he had destroyed? Was winning this duel it for him? What would he do if he won?
Jack returned his thoughts to the duel. Focusing intently on his hand, he worked out a move.
"For my first move, I'll use Dark World Dealings."
Both Mason and Jack drew in unison.
Jack looked at the Double Summon in his hand. He hesitated as he placed it on the field.
"I'll summon Fabled Raven and Zure, Knight of Dark World." He knew it was a meager effort. Did he have a Synchro monster that could stop Red Dragon?
And then it hit him. He had exactly the card to take down Mason.

"Now here is a blast from the past. I'll Synchro summon Brionac."
Jack could have kicked himself for not having seen that earlier. He allowed a small chuckle to fall from his lips as Jack's Brionac snaked onto the field through spike's of crystalline ice.

"Did you really think you were the only one with a Brionac in your deck? Talk about ignorance..."

"Just get on with it." Mason was no longer in the mood for banter.

"I'll activate Brionac's effect."
Jack discarded his second Fabled Raven.
"So long, Archfiend." Jack toyed.
Mason's look was one of sour hatred. Red Dragon Archfiend hissed out of play and into Mason's extra deck.

"Brionac, show him how it's done."
A beam of solid ice hurtled through the room. Mason felt everything he had worked for slip away at that moment. All his pain had manifested itself in the giant icicle that was about to pierce through his body. As the beam hit, he fell to his knees.

"Now, now; it's not real." Jack remarked, his raspy voice echoing through the room.

Mason - 2400

Jack - 7600

Mason was drained.
The deep red lights of his duel disk were all that remained to warm his broken soul.
[/spoiler]

[L0SS]

Bumping for critique. I really need some feedback guys (and gals).

[L0SS]

[size=1]Bump.[/size]

[L0SS]

Chapter 2:
[spoiler='Spoiler']


Mason Burke had wildly underestimated his opponent. He hadn't expected Jack to keep up with the rest of the dueling world.
He had been under the impression that the latest card type Jack had heard of began with an R and ended with Itual.

He had been very wrong.

It took a minute for him to translate his hand into moves. He ruffled his strategic mess of black hair, feeling beads of sweat drip through his hands and onto the harsh marble floor of Jack's open-plan penthouse.

He had One Legionnaire, One Dux, One Heavy Storm, and One Fabled Cerburrel. A decent hand, but nothing that could get rid of Adreus. The best Synchro he could make was... [i]a Level 6.[/i]

"Right back at you Jack." Mason snapped, suddenly; with more vigor than intended.

"This should be interesting." Jack mused.

"I'll summon Dux in Attack mode, and activate his effect."
Déjà vu suddenly hit Jack. He knew what was coming now, but he couldn't figure out Mason's plan. He didn't know any Level 6 Synchro Mason owned that could defeat his Adreus. 2600 atk was pretty formidable.
To say he wasn't curious would be lying.

Phalanx once again returned to the field, with a roar of anticipation. It's detailed armor glistened in the distant light of a sleeping city.

"And now I'll Synchro summon Dragunity Knight - Vajrayana."
The fierce crimson dragon shot onto the field in a crackle of lightning.

"Effect time." Mason said, with a triumphant grin.

Jack watched in puzzlement as Phalanx appeared for a third time.

"Don't see it yet? I'll Synchro Vajrayana and Phalanx together to summon Red Dragon Archfiend in attack mode."

Now Jack did see. Vajrayana was merely a tool to get Archfiend on the field. He watched intensely as Archfiend swooped down in a swirl of lava.
He would almost have been impressed, if he hadn't of known how Mason had obtained the card.
Bribery, if his memory served him correctly.

"Archfiend, attack!" Mason shouted, motioning forward with an outstretched arm. Archfiend obeyed, firing a gargantuan blast of fire straight towards Adreus; who was reduced to smoldering ashes.

Jack's life points laboriously slipped down to 7600.

Mason - 5700

Jack - 7600

His demeanor was still icy cool. He had plenty more tricks up his sleeve. Jack Nickel wouldn't allow himself to lose to a self-obsessed low-life.

"I'll end my turn."
Mason had turned the situation around, and now had one of his most powerful monsters in play. He was feeling rather smug about himself.

Jack drew a card. It was Dark World Dealings.
He gazed at Mason. What was going on in that boy's mind? How could he possibly justify the people's lives he had destroyed? Was winning this duel it for him? What would he do if he won?
Jack returned his thoughts to the duel. Focusing intently on his hand, he worked out a move.
"For my first move, I'll use Dark World Dealings."
Both Mason and Jack drew in unison.
Jack looked at the Double Summon in his hand. He hesitated as he placed it on the field.
"I'll summon Fabled Raven and Zure, Knight of Dark World." He knew it was a meager effort. Did he have a Synchro monster that could stop Red Dragon?
And then it hit him. He had exactly the card to take down Mason.

"Now here is a blast from the past. I'll Synchro summon Brionac."
Jack could have kicked himself for not having seen that earlier. He allowed a small chuckle to fall from his lips as Jack's Brionac snaked onto the field through spike's of crystalline ice.

"Did you really think you were the only one with a Brionac in your deck? Talk about ignorance..."

"Just get on with it." Mason was no longer in the mood for banter.

"I'll activate Brionac's effect."
Jack discarded his second Fabled Raven.
"So long, Archfiend." Jack toyed.
Mason's look was one of sour hatred. Red Dragon Archfiend hissed out of play and into Mason's extra deck.

"Brionac, show him how it's done."
A beam of solid ice hurtled through the room. Mason felt everything he had worked for slip away at that moment. All his pain had manifested itself in the giant icicle that was about to pierce through his body. As the beam hit, he fell to his knees.

"Now, now; it's not real." Jack remarked, his raspy voice echoing through the room.

Mason - 2400

Jack - 7600

Mason was drained.
The deep red lights of his duel disk were all that remained to warm his broken soul.
[/spoiler]

[Catterjune]

So we begin by having some guy named Mason Burke with a gun challenging some other guy named Jason Nickel to a duel.

And... then they duel. That's it.

That's not plot or character development, it's just two characters in a room fighting each other.

Basically, I wanna know why these guys are fighting. Why should I even remotely care about their conflict? There are hints of a plot here and there, but they're just hints and they're far removed from the conflict we're seeing.

All that stuff about murdering, bribery, living on the streets, kidnapping, the Goddamn company, and Zara sounds a hell of a lot more interesting then the nothing we're seeing here.


tl;dr - This isn't a story, it's just two characters in a room fighting each other.

"Oh but it gets better!"

Way to not put your best foot forward then.

[L0SS]

^The idea was to show glimpses of some great conflict and hardship that Mason has been through, and trying to set up the idea of a rivalry between the two characters.
Their isn't a full plot at the moment, in so far as the plot hasn't really been revealed yet. I was hoping that giving a slow reveal would hook the reader enough to make them continue reading; that obviously hasn't worked.
I don't think the lack of information reduces it to 'two characters in a room'. Their are lots of novels/movies that throw you into the world from the start without being given a full explanation. Fight Club is an example of this; starting near the end of the movie and showing various other sections in reverse, before linking them into the story later on. That is what I was going for here.
Your thoughts are appreciated though

[Catterjune]

[quote]The idea was to show glimpses of some great conflict and hardship that Mason has been through, and trying to set up the idea of a rivalry between the two characters.[/quote]
I'm aware. You did a decent job of setting up their rivalry. Unfortunately, that came at the expense of telling an interesting story.

[quote]Their are lots of novels/movies that throw you into the world from the start without being given a full explanation.[/quote]
I agree. But most novels have their chapters with a conflict and a resolution. This just... sort of doesn't. Not even the second chapter does. It feels like something ripped from the middle of a bad Yu-Gi-Oh series, but even Yu-Gi-Oh knows better then to just drop us off in the middle of a duel.

[L0SS]

I suppose what happened is that I extended the build up for too long.
As this is a fan-fic, I posted chapters in short bursts as opposed to having one solid chapter. I think if this were real, all of this would be condensed into one chapter. But I see your point, and will continue with the story so you can see where this all leads. Thanks for highlighting that.

Actually, do you think it would be a good idea to flatten the whole duel/section into the prologue, and start chapter one at the point where the plot is revealed?

[Dr. Cakey]

I basically agree with Hatcher. Based on the talent I see, the story is probably quite good...it just hasn't started yet. Your chapters are also extremely short; the prologue and two chapters together are probably the right length for a single chapter.

So, good luck.