Organized Chaos Posted April 4, 2012 Report Share Posted April 4, 2012 Listen, before you read, please know this was a test of my writing skills. I really liked the idea and have been developing it for some time. Please point out any errors or anything. This fanfic is essentially a recount [through flashbacks] of what happened yesterday/April Fools. Most of the characters are real. I'm sorry if I offend anyone through this or if it's really bad. Below is Chapter 1. Rodrigo is main character for it, simply because he was instrumental in it. Give any critisms you have of it, I need to know. It's probably bad anyway. So here goes nothing. [spoiler=[size=4][b]Chapter 1 - Beginning of the End[/b][/size]][size=3][color=#000000]The birds outside fluttered noisily against the window. Rodrigo woke up with a start. He didn’t deserve it; he had already lost enough sleep. Groggily, he reached for the phone on his bedside table to check the date. Yet how could anyone in their right mind not know? It was the day after The Purge.[/color][/size] [size=3][color=#000000]The Purge is the name users gave to the events of the long and inevitable downfall of Yugioh Card Maker. It first started when a rather crass user known as Black Mage started to troll a lot of people. He was not like those before him, he was determined. He was Mage. He trolled everyone who dared get in his way. He did so with such frivolous joy that his keyboard died a little each time he hit that dreaded Enter key. The Moderators, and in some aspects the slumbering Administrators, kept a close eye on Mage. Yet he was not haltered in his path of destruction. [/color][/size] [size=3][color=#000000]Until one fateful day, it stopped. It is said to have been October 13th 2010 but no one can remember clearly. On that one fateful day, Mage was banned. The reason: being Mage. People now understood the Moderator’s power and thought it could be used for good. They were foolish people. Soon others replaced Mage: Welche and Dogking were notable examples. Welche was not too bad, eager to humiliate but wary of the Moderators while Dogking was a complete n00bhunter. They roamed the TCG section, hungry for unwary victims. [/color][/size] [size=3][color=#000000]The Moderators would not allow this. Not at all. The banhammer came down and crushed the desperate dreams of the Trolls. Yet this was only the beginning of the end and already Rodrigo was shuddering at the horrid flashbacks. “Who would allow this? Why would they allow this?” he muttered angrily to himself. “WHO?!” he threw his pillow at the wall, watching as the fabric hit the hard stone. He drew back his hand as he tried to calm down. The Purge was hard on everyone but maybe. Then, gracefully, he rose from his bed and moved through the clutter of the room to the corner. He moved to the laptop and switched it on. The screen glowed to life with the message he had tried to forget about last night: [/color][/size] [size=3][color=#000000]“Join the Rebellion.”[/color][/size] [size=3][color=#000000]Crab Helmet smiled maliciously as the computer activated the dreaded function as another member was reduced to nothing but dust. Someone called Notsoslenderman whoever the hell he was. Luckily the broadband was fine even in the air.[/color][/size] [size=3][color=#000000]“Another one bites the dust!” She shouted at the monitor. Crab wasn’t egomaniacal; at least she thought she wasn’t. Yes, she did take over the Mods and instilled a new regime of terror onto the people of YCM but it’s for the good of the forum. And if there was a supposed Rebellion, she could blame it on Frunk. “Oh, my dear friend Frunk.” she spoke softly to herself “What am I like?” Frunk was a good scapegoat yet he also respected the Mods, being a former one himself. He was YCMaker’s brother; well that’s what he told everyone. Either way, he’s about as active as the Admin. Yet Frunk did moments of brilliance. His campaign to shut down the Clubs and Organizations was brilliant and would receive the thumbs up from all Mods. Shut down C&O and the Rebels will be severely crippled. But if that failed, that was not the only trick up the feared Super Moderator’s sleeves. “They will fall. Them and their foolish rebellion! AHAHAHAHAHA !” As she laughed, the delusional madwoman did not notice the message that had popped up on her screen, hidden by the glaring light persisting through the airship windows “Your tyranny will end.”[/color][/size] [color=#000000][size=3]Rodrigo clicked on the box and it led to a chatroom, one which was hidden from the likes of Crab Helmet and his fellow Mods. Rodrigo smiled as he looked at the list of users. There was only 1 user active but it was one he knew well: [7:56/3/4/12] Rodrigo says; it’s good to see you Greiga. [7:56/3/4/12] Greiga says; hello Rod, I see you clicked on the message. [7:57/3/4/12] Rodrigo says; what is this? What’s this about rebellion? [7:57/3/4/12] Greiga says: We’re planning a Rebellion against the Mods. I wish I could say more but they’re coming. They’ve caught onto us. “Who has?” Rodrigo asked the screen, forgetting there was nobody there.[/size][/color][color=#000000][size=3] At this, Greiga logged out. Rodrigo shut the laptop in frustration. “No one’s making any sense today. I just want answers.” But he had a feeling. A feeling that these answers were more important than he could ever imagine. A feeling that he was in danger. Something slammed. Rodrigo's trance ended as he hurried to his window and looked outside. It was morning but something big was floating through the blue sky. Whatever it was it was moving. Another slam broke the silence. Rodrigo looked down just in time to see his front door fall to the ground, its hinges torn off savagely. Immediately, he rushed to the door and started barricading. Anything would do: books, a chair even his laptop provided some sort of false security. In a small gap he had left between his wardrobe and his lamp, he placed his head against the wood and he could hear something. Something was climbing the steps. [/size][/color][size=3][color=#000000]It didn’t take long for Rodrigo to realise that standing close to the door was a bad idea. He quickly crept over to his bed and knelt down to avoid being seen. A mechanical whir and the sound of a gun being cocked worried Rodrigo but he knew that he had to stay vigilant. Another whir and then there was silence. Rodrigo raised his head but the barrier was still there. He sighed, hoping the worst was over but suddenly *CRASH* The door and the weak barrier flew to the other side of the room. The perpatrator in question could not be seen fully but its cybernetic fist was still sticking out of the doorway. By now Rodrigo was underneath the bed again “What the hell is that?” he whispered to himself. The fist was bigger than Rodrigo’s head and he wondered how big the creature could be that owned it. The fist withdrew as a heavy footstep shuddered through the house as a huge cylinder of a leg stepped into the room. It had rivets sticking out of the knee connecting a chrome thigh to a similar chrome lower leg and what appeared to be a metal foot. Another step brought the other leg in. The body of the hulking beast could now be seen, a chrome chest and waist with two humungous arms attached to it. The left arm was a simple robotic arm, the one that had punched the door down while the other had a gigantic gatling gun attached to it.[/color][/size] [size=3][color=#000000]"Target in sight, preparing to fire.” The head could not be seen from this angle but it was emanating a red light from some sort of visor. The robot turned it’s waist towards the direction the bed. The head was now visible, a medieval knight’s helmet with a red visor. The machine had raised its gun and aimed it at the bed, the cylinders began to spin as the sound became simultaneous with Rodrigo’s heartbeat. He looked in horror as the robot’s visor shined a malicious green colour. The gun fired, sending a thousand bullets directly at the bed. Crab Helmet looked on the screen as her creation began firing. Rodrigo wouldn’t stand a chance and Greiga’s forces would lose their only hope. It was all over, she thought as she smiled evilly, her[/color][/size][size=3][color=#000000] eyes never leaving the bed. [/spoiler][/color][/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dementuo Posted April 4, 2012 Report Share Posted April 4, 2012 Sweet Jesus, this is beautiful. I hope I get included as some sort of C&O lord, since I own the second most active club there. /ego Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Organized Chaos Posted April 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2012 [quote name='Dementuo Black Sun' timestamp='1333509601' post='5901036'] Sweet Jesus, this is beautiful. I hope I get included as some sort of C&O lord, since I own the second most active club there. /ego [/quote] Something's probably going to happen with C&O, considering destroying that section is part of Crab's plan to win at life (in the fic of course). Glad you like it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simping For Hina Posted April 4, 2012 Report Share Posted April 4, 2012 Daemon needs to have some important roll because he helped you!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Organized Chaos Posted April 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2012 [quote name='Daemon' timestamp='1333511385' post='5901073'] Daemon needs to have some important roll because he helped you!!! [/quote] I'll try but you said you didn't want to be a main character. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simping For Hina Posted April 4, 2012 Report Share Posted April 4, 2012 Main character =/= Important Character, it equals the most important one. I like this story so far, great way to introduce characters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vairocana Posted April 4, 2012 Report Share Posted April 4, 2012 [size=3][color=#000000][spoiler=]The birds outside fluttered noisily against the window. Rodrigo woke up with a start. He didn’t deserve it; he had already lost enough sleep. Groggily, he reached for the phone on his bedside table to check the date. Yet how could anyone in their right mind not know? It was the day after The Purge.[/color][/size] [size=3][color=#000000]The Purge is the name users gave to the events of the long and inevitable downfall of Yugioh Card Maker. It first started when a rather crass user known as Black Mage started to troll a lot of people. He was not like those before him, he was determined. He was Mage. He trolled everyone who dared get in his way. He did so with such frivolous joy that his keyboard died a little each time he hit that dreaded Enter key. [b](How was he trolling people? Be more specific) [/b]The Moderators, and in some aspects the slumbering Administrators, kept a close eye on Mage. Yet he was not haltered[b](not sure if this is the best word)[/b] in his path of destruction. [/color][/size] [size=3][color=#000000]Until one fateful day, it stopped. No one can remember the date well [b](I feel this weakens the story. It's okay to lie a little) [/b]but on that one fateful day, Mage was banned. The reason: being Mage. People now understood the Moderator’s power [b](did people not realize mods can ban people for absolutely any reason they want before this? Man, people are dumb)[/b] and thought it could be used for good. They were foolish people. Soon others replaced Mage: Welche and Dogking were notable examples. Welche was not too bad, eager to humiliate but wary of the Moderators while Dogking was a complete n00bhunter. They roamed the TCG section, hungry for unwary victims. [/color][/size] [size=3][color=#000000]The Moderators would not allow this. Not at all. The banhammer came down and crushed the desperate dreams of the Trolls. Yet this was only the beginning of the end and already Rodrigo was shuddering at the horrid flashbacks. “Who would allow this? Why would they allow this?” he muttered angrily to himself. “WHO?!” [s]with this[/s] he threw his pillow at the wall, [s]knowing it would do nothing to the stone[/s]. He drew back his hand as if struck by lightning[b](what?)[/b]. Then, [s]quickly yet [/s]gracefully, he rose from his bed and moved through the clutter of the room to the corner. [b]He [/b][s]His feet [/s]moved to the laptop and[s] his hands[/s] [b](how else do you move but with your feet? How else do you swtich something but with your hands?) [/b]switched it on. The screen glowed to life with the message he had tried to forget about last night: [/color][/size] [size=3][color=#000000]“Join the Rebellion.”[/color][/size] [size=3][color=#000000]Crab Helmet smiled maliciously as the computer activated with a buzz as another member was reduced to nothing but dust [b](why would the computer buzz at this?)[/b]. Someone called Notsoslenderman[b],[/b] whoever the hell he was.[/color][/size] [size=3][color=#000000]“Another one bites the dust!” He [b](Crab's profile is listed as female. Just saying.)[/b] shouted at the monitor. Crab wasn’t egomaniacal; at least he thought he wasn’t. Yes, he did take over the Mods and instilled a new regime of terror onto the people of YCM but it’s for the good of the forum. And if there was a supposed Rebellion, he could blame it on Frunk. “Oh, my dear friend Frunk.” he spoke softly to himself “What am I like?” Frunk was a good scapegoat[b],[/b] yet he also respected the Mods, being a former one himself. He was YCMaker’s brother; well that’s what he told everyone. Either way, he’s about as active as the Admin. Yet he had moments of brilliance. His campaign to shut down the Clubs and Organizations was brilliant[b](find a different word. Repeat of brilliance is boring)[/b] and would receive the thumbs up from all Mods. Shut down C&O and the Rebels will be severely crippled. But that was not the only trick up the feared Super Moderator’s sleeves. “They will fall. Them and their foolish rebellion! AHAHAHAHAHA !” As he laughed, the tyrannical madman did not notice the message that had popped up on his screen, hidden by the glaring light persisting through the shutters: [b](This is too over the top for me, personally. I can't suspend my disbelief enough to buy that someone sits at their computer talking and cackling to themselves over a yugioh internet forum. I just can't.)[/b] “Your tyranny will end.”[/color][/size] [color=#000000][size=3]Rodrigo clicked on the box[b],[/b] and it led to a chatroom, one which was too sophisticated for the likes of Crab Helmet and his fellow Mods[b]("too sophisticated"? Again, I don't buy it.)[/b]. Rodrigo smiled as he looked at the list of users. There was only 1 user active but it was one he knew well: [7:56/3/4/12] Rodrigo says; it’s good to see you Greiga. [7:56/3/4/12] Greiga says; hello Rod, I see you clicked on the message. [7:57/3/4/12] Rodrigo says; what is this? What’s this about rebellion? [7:57/3/4/12] Greiga says: We’re planning a Rebellion against the Mods. I wish I could say more but they’re coming. They’ve caught onto us. [b](I thought you said this chatroom was too sophisticated)[/b] “Who has?” Rodrigo asked the screen, forgetting there was nobody there. [b](Is Rodrigo a moron? Because that's the only kind of person I can see forgetting that he's on an internet chatroom and trying to talk to his monitor) [/b]At this, Greiga logged out. Rodrigo shut the laptop in frustration. “No one’s making any sense today. I just want answers.” But he had a feeling. A feeling that these answers were more important than he could ever imagine. A feeling that he was in danger. [b](I just don't buy the stakes here. Make me care that an internet forum is in danger, because right now I don't, and it's making everything incredibly trivial)[/b] Something slammed. Rodrigo's [s]self induced[/s] trance ended as [b]he [/b]hurried to his window and looked outside. It was morning but something big was floating through the blue sky [b](What does that have to do with it being morning? Do large things tend to float through the sky only at night around here?)[/b]. Whatever it was[b],[/b] it was moving. Another slam broke the silence [s]of curiosity[/s]. Rodrigo looked down just [b]in time [/b]to see his front door fall to the ground, its hinges torn off savagely. Immediately, he rushed to the door and started barricading. Anything would do: books, a chair even his laptop provided some sort of false security. In a small gap he had left between his wardrobe and his lamp, he placed his head against the wood and he could hear something. Something was climbing the steps. [s]1[/s][/size][s][sup][size=2]st[/size][/sup][size=3], 2[/size][sup][size=2]nd[/size][/sup][size=3] 3[/size][sup][size=2]rd[/size][/sup][/s][/color][size=3][color=#000000]. It didn’t take long for Rodrigo to realise that standing close to the door was a bad idea. He quickly crept over to his bed and knelt down to avoid being seen. A mechanical whir and the [s]readying of a gun[/s] [b]the sound of a gun being cocked [/b]worried Rodrigo[b],[/b] but that was the least of his worries. [b](I'm really curious to see how the sound of a gun being cocked outside his bedroom door is the "least of his worries")[/b] Another whir and then there was silence. Rodrigo raised his head but the barrier was still there. He sighed [s]peacefully[/s][b],[/b] but suddenly *CRASH* [b]T[/b]he door and the weak barrier [s]was punched[/s] [b]flew [/b]to the other side of the room [s]by Rodrigo’s guest[/s]. The guest in question could not be seen fully but its heavy duty[b](find a better word)[/b] fist was still sticking out of the doorway. By now Rodrigo was underneath the bed again “What the hell is that?” he whispered to himself. The fist was bigger than Rodrigo’s head[b],[/b] [s]so it worried the human[/s] [b]and he wondered [/b]how big the creature could be that owned it. The fist withdrew as a heavy footstep shuddered through the house as a huge cylinder of a leg stepped into the room. It had rivets sticking out of the knee connecting a chrome thigh to a similar chrome lower leg and what appeared to be a metal foot. Another step brought the other leg in. The body of the hulking beast could now be seen, a chrome chest and waist with two humungous arms attached to it. The left arm was a simple robotic arm, the one that had punched the door down while the other had a gigantic gatling gun attached to it.[/color][/size] [b](Gattling guns don't need to be "readied", other than the warm up when the cylinders begin to spin, so I'm not sure what Rod heard on the other side of his door)[/b] [size=3][color=#000000]"Target in sight, preparing to fire.” The head could not be seen from this angle but it was emanating a red light from some sort of visor [s]and it was certainly talking[/s]. The robot turned it’s waist towards the [s]direction of the[/s] bed [s]with the legs following suite[/s]. The head was now visible, a medieval knight’s helmet with a red visor. The machine had raised its gun and aimed it at the bed, [s]already[/s] the cylinders began to spin as the whirring became simultaneous with Rodrigo’s heartbeat [b](I'm no expert of gattling guns, but I have never seen a gattling gun give a pulsing whirr sound before firing)[/b]. He looked in horror as the robot’s visor shined a malicious green colour. The gun fired, sending a thousand bullets directly at the bed,[s] it was all over[/s]. Crab Helmet looked [s]on[/s] [b]at [/b]the screen as his creation began firing [s]at its objective[/s]. Rodrigo wouldn’t stand a chance and Greiga’s forces would lose their only hope. It was all over, he thought as he smiled evilly [s]at the monitor[/s], his eyes never leaving the bed. [/color][/size][/spoiler] [b]Really confused[/b] [b]on how Crab built a hyper advanced android, and why he's using it to commit manslaughter over an internet forum. I'm just kind of confused at what the tone of the story is supposed to be.[/b] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Crouton Posted April 4, 2012 Report Share Posted April 4, 2012 For some reason, I imagine Crab Helmet as a [s]teenage[/s] mutant [s]ninja[/s] crab with machinery shoved into various areas of her body, a [url="http://transformers.wikia.com/wiki/Fusion_cannon"]fusion cannon[/url] in place of one of her claws, and [url="http://transformers.wikia.com/wiki/Megatron_%28BW%29"]Beast Wars Megatron's[/url] mannerisms and voice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Organized Chaos Posted April 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2012 [quote name='God Crouton!!!' timestamp='1333517150' post='5901112'] For some reason, I imagine Crab Helmet as a [s]teenage[/s] mutant [s]ninja[/s] crab with machinery shoved into various areas of her body, a [url="http://transformers.wikia.com/wiki/Fusion_cannon"]fusion cannon[/url] in place of one of her claws, and [url="http://transformers.wikia.com/wiki/Megatron_%28BW%29"]Beast Wars Megatron's[/url] mannerisms and voice. [/quote] I haven't describe her appearence yet so considering she's 101, she probably will have some sort of life support system. But I don't think she needs a fusion cannon Just a bit OTT. [quote name='Vairocana' timestamp='1333516467' post='5901106'] [size=3][color=#000000][spoiler=]The birds outside fluttered noisily against the window. Rodrigo woke up with a start. He didn’t deserve it; he had already lost enough sleep. Groggily, he reached for the phone on his bedside table to check the date. Yet how could anyone in their right mind not know? It was the day after The Purge.[/color][/size] [size=3][color=#000000]The Purge is the name users gave to the events of the long and inevitable downfall of Yugioh Card Maker. It first started when a rather crass user known as Black Mage started to troll a lot of people. He was not like those before him, he was determined. He was Mage. He trolled everyone who dared get in his way. He did so with such frivolous joy that his keyboard died a little each time he hit that dreaded Enter key. [b](How was he trolling people? Be more specific) [/b]The Moderators, and in some aspects the slumbering Administrators, kept a close eye on Mage. Yet he was not haltered[b](not sure if this is the best word)[/b] in his path of destruction. [/color][/size] [size=3][color=#000000]Until one fateful day, it stopped. No one can remember the date well [b](I feel this weakens the story. It's okay to lie a little) [/b]but on that one fateful day, Mage was banned. The reason: being Mage. People now understood the Moderator’s power [b](did people not realize mods can ban people for absolutely any reason they want before this? Man, people are dumb)[/b] and thought it could be used for good. They were foolish people. Soon others replaced Mage: Welche and Dogking were notable examples. Welche was not too bad, eager to humiliate but wary of the Moderators while Dogking was a complete n00bhunter. They roamed the TCG section, hungry for unwary victims. [/color][/size] [size=3][color=#000000]The Moderators would not allow this. Not at all. The banhammer came down and crushed the desperate dreams of the Trolls. Yet this was only the beginning of the end and already Rodrigo was shuddering at the horrid flashbacks. “Who would allow this? Why would they allow this?” he muttered angrily to himself. “WHO?!” [s]with this[/s] he threw his pillow at the wall, [s]knowing it would do nothing to the stone[/s]. He drew back his hand as if struck by lightning[b](what?)[/b]. Then, [s]quickly yet [/s]gracefully, he rose from his bed and moved through the clutter of the room to the corner. [b]He [/b][s]His feet [/s]moved to the laptop and[s] his hands[/s] [b](how else do you move but with your feet? How else do you swtich something but with your hands?) [/b]switched it on. The screen glowed to life with the message he had tried to forget about last night: [/color][/size] [size=3][color=#000000]“Join the Rebellion.”[/color][/size] [size=3][color=#000000]Crab Helmet smiled maliciously as the computer activated with a buzz as another member was reduced to nothing but dust [b](why would the computer buzz at this?)[/b]. Someone called Notsoslenderman[b],[/b] whoever the hell he was.[/color][/size] [size=3][color=#000000]“Another one bites the dust!” He [b](Crab's profile is listed as female. Just saying.)[/b] shouted at the monitor. Crab wasn’t egomaniacal; at least he thought he wasn’t. Yes, he did take over the Mods and instilled a new regime of terror onto the people of YCM but it’s for the good of the forum. And if there was a supposed Rebellion, he could blame it on Frunk. “Oh, my dear friend Frunk.” he spoke softly to himself “What am I like?” Frunk was a good scapegoat[b],[/b] yet he also respected the Mods, being a former one himself. He was YCMaker’s brother; well that’s what he told everyone. Either way, he’s about as active as the Admin. Yet he had moments of brilliance. His campaign to shut down the Clubs and Organizations was brilliant[b](find a different word. Repeat of brilliance is boring)[/b] and would receive the thumbs up from all Mods. Shut down C&O and the Rebels will be severely crippled. But that was not the only trick up the feared Super Moderator’s sleeves. “They will fall. Them and their foolish rebellion! AHAHAHAHAHA !” As he laughed, the tyrannical madman did not notice the message that had popped up on his screen, hidden by the glaring light persisting through the shutters: [b](This is too over the top for me, personally. I can't suspend my disbelief enough to buy that someone sits at their computer talking and cackling to themselves over a yugioh internet forum. I just can't.)[/b] “Your tyranny will end.”[/color][/size] [color=#000000][size=3]Rodrigo clicked on the box[b],[/b] and it led to a chatroom, one which was too sophisticated for the likes of Crab Helmet and his fellow Mods[b]("too sophisticated"? Again, I don't buy it.)[/b]. Rodrigo smiled as he looked at the list of users. There was only 1 user active but it was one he knew well: [7:56/3/4/12] Rodrigo says; it’s good to see you Greiga. [7:56/3/4/12] Greiga says; hello Rod, I see you clicked on the message. [7:57/3/4/12] Rodrigo says; what is this? What’s this about rebellion? [7:57/3/4/12] Greiga says: We’re planning a Rebellion against the Mods. I wish I could say more but they’re coming. They’ve caught onto us. [b](I thought you said this chatroom was too sophisticated)[/b] “Who has?” Rodrigo asked the screen, forgetting there was nobody there. [b](Is Rodrigo a moron? Because that's the only kind of person I can see forgetting that he's on an internet chatroom and trying to talk to his monitor) [/b]At this, Greiga logged out. Rodrigo shut the laptop in frustration. “No one’s making any sense today. I just want answers.” But he had a feeling. A feeling that these answers were more important than he could ever imagine. A feeling that he was in danger. [b](I just don't buy the stakes here. Make me care that an internet forum is in danger, because right now I don't, and it's making everything incredibly trivial)[/b] Something slammed. Rodrigo's [s]self induced[/s] trance ended as [b]he [/b]hurried to his window and looked outside. It was morning but something big was floating through the blue sky [b](What does that have to do with it being morning? Do large things tend to float through the sky only at night around here?)[/b]. Whatever it was[b],[/b] it was moving. Another slam broke the silence [s]of curiosity[/s]. Rodrigo looked down just [b]in time [/b]to see his front door fall to the ground, its hinges torn off savagely. Immediately, he rushed to the door and started barricading. Anything would do: books, a chair even his laptop provided some sort of false security. In a small gap he had left between his wardrobe and his lamp, he placed his head against the wood and he could hear something. Something was climbing the steps. [s]1[/s][/size][s][sup][size=2]st[/size][/sup][size=3], 2[/size][sup][size=2]nd[/size][/sup][size=3] 3[/size][sup][size=2]rd[/size][/sup][/s][/color][size=3][color=#000000]. It didn’t take long for Rodrigo to realise that standing close to the door was a bad idea. He quickly crept over to his bed and knelt down to avoid being seen. A mechanical whir and the [s]readying of a gun[/s] [b]the sound of a gun being cocked [/b]worried Rodrigo[b],[/b] but that was the least of his worries. [b](I'm really curious to see how the sound of a gun being cocked outside his bedroom door is the "least of his worries")[/b] Another whir and then there was silence. Rodrigo raised his head but the barrier was still there. He sighed [s]peacefully[/s][b],[/b] but suddenly *CRASH* [b]T[/b]he door and the weak barrier [s]was punched[/s] [b]flew [/b]to the other side of the room [s]by Rodrigo’s guest[/s]. The guest in question could not be seen fully but its heavy duty[b](find a better word)[/b] fist was still sticking out of the doorway. By now Rodrigo was underneath the bed again “What the hell is that?” he whispered to himself. The fist was bigger than Rodrigo’s head[b],[/b] [s]so it worried the human[/s] [b]and he wondered [/b]how big the creature could be that owned it. The fist withdrew as a heavy footstep shuddered through the house as a huge cylinder of a leg stepped into the room. It had rivets sticking out of the knee connecting a chrome thigh to a similar chrome lower leg and what appeared to be a metal foot. Another step brought the other leg in. The body of the hulking beast could now be seen, a chrome chest and waist with two humungous arms attached to it. The left arm was a simple robotic arm, the one that had punched the door down while the other had a gigantic gatling gun attached to it.[/color][/size] [b](Gattling guns don't need to be "readied", other than the warm up when the cylinders begin to spin, so I'm not sure what Rod heard on the other side of his door)[/b] [size=3][color=#000000]"Target in sight, preparing to fire.” The head could not be seen from this angle but it was emanating a red light from some sort of visor [s]and it was certainly talking[/s]. The robot turned it’s waist towards the [s]direction of the[/s] bed [s]with the legs following suite[/s]. The head was now visible, a medieval knight’s helmet with a red visor. The machine had raised its gun and aimed it at the bed, [s]already[/s] the cylinders began to spin as the whirring became simultaneous with Rodrigo’s heartbeat [b](I'm no expert of gattling guns, but I have never seen a gattling gun give a pulsing whirr sound before firing)[/b]. He looked in horror as the robot’s visor shined a malicious green colour. The gun fired, sending a thousand bullets directly at the bed,[s] it was all over[/s]. Crab Helmet looked [s]on[/s] [b]at [/b]the screen as his creation began firing [s]at its objective[/s]. Rodrigo wouldn’t stand a chance and Greiga’s forces would lose their only hope. It was all over, he thought as he smiled evilly [s]at the monitor[/s], his eyes never leaving the bed. [/color][/size][/spoiler] [b]Really confused[/b] [b]on how Crab built a hyper advanced android, and why he's using it to commit manslaughter over an internet forum. I'm just kind of confused at what the tone of the story is supposed to be.[/b] [/quote] I'm really glad for your critisms. I do portray Rodrigo as a bit dumb but only because he's angry and you always fail a bit when you're angry. See, the whole thing is meant to be over the top. Yes, Crab did create a robot. Yes, there is something in the sky (It's actually gonna be explained in the next chapter.) I used teh terms redaying for the cylinders. Generally, it's more of a spite at the Mod's insanity. On how power has taken over their minds and made them want more. Again, it's first chapter so more will become apparent in the next one. I will take your changes on board and do as many as I can while kepping to the idea. Thanks for the review. [quote name='Daemon' timestamp='1333511528' post='5901076'] Main character =/= Important Character, it equals the most important one. I like this story so far, great way to introduce characters. [/quote] Thank you, there is a bit on C&O which I think you could be a core part of but I can't reveal too much Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brinolovania Posted April 4, 2012 Report Share Posted April 4, 2012 Given my lack of big YCM things, I'm gonna assume I won't be a main character or anything. However, I do demand to be randomly referenced at some point. If I'm not...let's just say, my agents already know where you live. Also, this story looks amazing because the whole premise is ridiculously stupid (no offense) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Organized Chaos Posted April 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2012 [quote name='Pacmanexus' timestamp='1333575566' post='5901727'] Given my lack of big YCM things, I'm gonna assume I won't be a main character or anything. However, I do demand to be randomly referenced at some point. If I'm not...let's just say, my agents already know where you live. Also, this story looks amazing because the whole premise is ridiculously stupid (no offense) [/quote] I can always do a mention. So stupid = amazing. /okay. What is so stupid about it ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brinolovania Posted April 4, 2012 Report Share Posted April 4, 2012 [quote name='NotSoSlenderMan' timestamp='1333578210' post='5901769'] I can always do a mention. So stupid = amazing. /okay. What is so stupid about it ? [/quote]An insane lady is using a robot to kill people on a Yugioh forum. That's stupid, but in an awesome way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Organized Chaos Posted April 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2012 [quote name='Pacmanexus' timestamp='1333579320' post='5901792'] An insane lady is using a robot to kill people on a Yugioh forum. That's stupid, but in an awesome way. [/quote] Not just robots. More will be revealed once I finish the 2nd chapter. "In an awesome way" Do you mean the way it is written or just the general idea ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Moonflowyr Posted April 4, 2012 Report Share Posted April 4, 2012 I suppose there is NO chance I can make an appearance XD But in all seriousness, this is amazing. Crab might not like it though.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrystalCyae Posted April 5, 2012 Report Share Posted April 5, 2012 Ohgawd What blasphemous material have I found? Joking aside, this is pretty sweet. I like it. Rebellion against mods, darn the idea is so epic. I quite like this [quote name='~Spike~' timestamp='1333579864' post='5901810']Crab might not like it though.... [/quote] Considering Crab is being a badass antagonist, I see no issue. AT. ALL. But seriously. She has the best role in the whole fanfic, getting to appear, throw robots at the rebels, and banish just as quickly. Which is insanely badass. hehe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vairocana Posted April 5, 2012 Report Share Posted April 5, 2012 [quote name='~Spike~' timestamp='1333579864' post='5901810'] But in all seriousness, this is amazing. Crab might not like it though.... [/quote] From the little I've seen of her, I would say she'd be more offended by poor writing than by being cast as an antagonist in a story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Organized Chaos Posted April 5, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 5, 2012 [quote name='Vairocana' timestamp='1333642652' post='5902628'] From the little I've seen of her, I would say she'd be more offended by poor writing than by being cast as an antagonist in a story. [/quote] Thanks for your overused and pretty clear message. I get it, it's crap. You've made that point while helping me so thanks but still, I get it. Anyway, for you people who want to continue reading below is the 2nd chapter. It features (Probably the least likely character but for lulz) Shard. It's quite long, 3 page on Word. I would post it on my first point but for some reason, it's not showing in the spoiler. Probably worse but you know, what the hell. As before, critisms would be helpful and I'm sorry, if it offends you in any way. [spoiler=[b]Chapter 2 - Assassin of Astounding Determination[/b]] [size=3][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]It was peaceful on YCM. Shard knew that was a strange occurrence. It was never quiet on YCM. Even the TCG section, one of his favourite sections and perhaps the most popular section, was silent. Certainly the Purge caused many users to leave the premises of the website but not even the noobs posted their usual failures. He minimized the window before quickly logged into Duelling Network. The vibe of YCM had been taken away but there had to be people still on DN. He studied the screen with interest. “That’s strange.” whispered Shard as he noticed, just like YCM there was no one there. He closed it down and resumed YCM. As usual, those bloody Christmas lights were still on the logo. “YCMaker is such a Slowpoke.” he said and smiled. But his smile was short-lived. His computer flashed with a new message titled “Shard”. It wasn’t an email, or a PM. It was just an image of an envelope with “Shard” in blood red font on the front. Shard opened it, being part of the Rebellion and all. It led to a single page with nothing but the words: “I see you.”[/font][/size] [size=3][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]This wasn’t a fellow rebel. No, it was something malicious. Shard quickly stood up and walked to his bedroom window and looked outside. His garden was shrouded in darkness as something blocked the moon. Britain didn’t have many cloudy nights so it was a mystery what was covering the Sun’s smaller counterpart. He looked up and tried to make sense of it. “What the hell is that?” Shard thought. It appeared to be some sort of airship but it was huge! It worried Shard a little. Just as he turned around to return to his computer to report on this strange phenomennon, something fell from the gigantic shape. Shard quickly looked back but the object had become invisible in the darkness of the night. He then went back to his laptop and went on YCM. There was someone he needed to talk to. Pika fell through the air with blinding speed, bravely going face first. The Harbinger had dropped her a few hundred yards from the house but she could cover that distance in less than a minute. She looked down and watched as the ground got closer and closer. Shee was about a metre from the ground when she pulled the string and the parachute swiftly deployed. While she floated to the ground, she thought of that wonderful day when she was given the pleasure of being the one to kill Shard. “Lady Helmet you wanted to see me?” Pika asked as she walked into the main chamber of the Harbinger. Crab Helmet looked up from the controls and smiled at her colleague. “Ah Pika, you came. Now, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something. Mainly your work in the TCG section.” Pika cringed at this. She took pride in TCG and hoped Crab only had good things to say. “Is there something wrong with it? Do I not lock enough topics?” she asked, leaning nervously to the left. Crab noticed her follower’s expression and shook her head subtly. Shee always cared a bit too much about it. “No, it’s great. I actually want you to get rid of one of TCG’s biggest scourges and improve your section.” Pika looked at her hopefully as if she knew the words that were to come out of her leader's mouth. “I need you to kill Shard.” Shard opened up the Rebellion chatroom to see that Greiga, Daemon, Renji and Dementuo were already there. [19:45/3/4/12] Daemon says: Yeah, it’s pretty tough. C&O is suffering pretty badly thanks to Frunk. Sugar Cube Corner’s only survived thanks to the support of our friends. [19:45/3/4/12] Renji says: Well you know, friendship is magic [19:46/3/4/12] Dementuo says: That was terrible L So what’s our next move Greiga ? [19:47/3/4/12] Greiga says: I’m not sure. We have lost contact with Rodrigo which is a big loss, considering his ties with Mage, Welche and Dogking. Crab’s trying to chip us off one by one. And banning won’t do for her. That’s why we’re still on YCM. [19:47/3/4/12] Dementuo says: It’s all about pride. That tyrant thinks that we can be easily crushed so she’s gonna do it herself to appear powerful. (Shard has entered the Chatroom) [19:47/3/4/12] Shard says: Guys, there is a fricking airship outside my house dropping stuff on my lawn. What’s happening? [19:48/3/4/12] Renji says: Hello to you too Shard J [19:48/3/4/12] Greiga says: That’s probably the Harbinger, Crab Helmet’s airship. If it’s dropping stuff, I recommend you get out of there. Or at least a weapon. Shard was just about to reply to why he would need a weapon when the house was plunged in darkness. “Bloody electricity.” He muttered under his breath. He stepped carefully away from the computer, which had lost its power in the blackout, to his bedside table where he kept a torch. He found the wooden surface and began to look for his torch, using his hands to study and examine it. Luckily, he found it very quickly hidden inside his Stardust Dragon tine. He switched it on and stumbled over to the window. The airship was still there in the sky but Shard could see something in the darkness. Someone was standing in the darkness. Someone was standing in the dark, wearing body armour and camouflage gear. Someone was standing in the dark carrying a katana. Pika looked at the house. It was nothing fancy. A secluded two storey detached house that was shrouded in darkness. She would have to thank Flame Dragon for cutting the electricity when she got back on the Harbinger. She stepped over the garden fence and started to walk up the garden path. She passed four windows yet she couldn’t care what was there. She had night vision goggles but she didn’t need them to spy into someone’s kitchen. She reached the mahogany front door and turned the handle. The door didn’t budge. “Must be locked.” Pika muttered. She stepped away from the door then ran at it, ramming it with his shoulder blade. As she hit the wood, he thought he could hear a noise other than the wood splintering of course. The door crashed against her might and she entered the house, ready to kill. Shard heard the door smash as his assailant entered the house. Luckily, the intruder was in the hallway so Shard could still find a way to escape. But he would have to do it quickly, considering what he did to the door. He was in the living room so if he could go through the hallway, into the kitchen then out through the back door: He would be safe. He had no weapons so he turned off his torch to avoid a confrontation. Shard crept to the door, he could hear the person breathing, waiting for him. How could he get the person out of the hallway without revealing himself? He thought for a minute but then stopped when he heard the footsteps walking up the hallway. He tensed as they stopped periodically, presumably by every door. Shard could hear his heartbeat but it was distracting him, making him nervous. The creaking of a door from the other end of the hallway made him jump. He knew this was his chance. All he had to do was open the door, creep into the kitchen then to freedom. He reached for what he thought was the door handle but met the wall’s cold surface instead. His hand moved to the left and found the grainy wood yet not the handle. The footsteps were muffled and quiet but that wouldn’t last. Shard quickly opened the door and stepped into the hallway. He could see the open door near its smashed counterpart. What were his parents going to think? He moved towards the door in front of him and grabbed the door knob, praying it wasn’t the door containing the intruder. As Pika moved through the dining room, she could hear the sound of a door being opened. It was close and sounded hushed. She stepped closer to the door before him. Yes, a door was being opened. And footsteps. Footsteps moving away from the door than another creaking. Pika then did the same with her door and followed silently. He glanced to the recently opened door and saw a glimpse of fabric. She stepped to the door and looked at the pathetic creature before him. Blind, helpless, easy to kill. But Shard obviously knew his house well as he reached the door and opened it, scurrying away outside. Pika enjoyed this game but it was time to declare checkmate. She stood outside and began to speak to his prey: “Aren’t you going to face me Shard?” At this, Pika’s target turned around and looked at her, giving a scared look at Pika’s katana, long and sharp while the armour, crafted from steel plates curved and overlapped the person’s body, appearing like a second skin. A faceless helmet stared into Shard’s very existence. “Who are you?” he asked to his stalker “Why are you doing this to me ?” The response was a chuckle and the words: “I am Pika and I am going to kill you.” Shard was surprised to see Pika charging at him, his katana unsheathed. The Mod slashed at him and Shard luckily dodged it within an inch of his life. “There is no escape.” rasped the voice again. Shard looked for a weapon. He quickly ran to his father’s rake and picked it up, just in time to block another slash with the spikes of the garden tool. The blade almost left the metallic embrace to attack again but Shard with a quick kick retaliatedto Pika’s private area. Yet Shard remembered that Pika was a girl. “Idiot.” Spoke the voice, an amused tone to it, “Now you wil- Urgh!” Shard was confused, why was Pika making that noise? He dropped his rake and turned on his torch to see his armoured attacker. Now he could examine the armour more carefully. It was about 10cm thick. The faceless helmet met his gaze but it was not of choice. There was a small bullet hole in what should have been in the forehead, blood giving the metal an unnecessary paint job. Pika fell to the ground, silent and sullen. Shard looked around for his saviour but no one could be seen. Even the airship had left, returning the moon to its full gleam. “Thank you. Whoever you are.” Shard said before returning to the house, unaware of what to do next. Unaware that his saviour had actually meant to shoot him, not Pika. Unaware that his life being saved would change the course of YCM forever. [/spoiler][/font][/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted April 5, 2012 Report Share Posted April 5, 2012 I'm judging this as a story, not for it's historically accuracy: Chapter 1: - I'm probably full of bias here because I'm a mod but honestly I don't see what the mods doing as being wrong. Mage is said to have trolled people, and having him banned was seen as a good thing. Then we're introduced to Welche and Dogking who were also trolling and they get banned. And that's what upsets Rodrigo? I dunno, but you probably should have made Welche and Dogking more endearing to the readers. Paint it like a "shades of gray" kind of story. Like "Yeah, mage was an annoying troll who deserved to be banned, but in this fictional story Welche was a 'funny' troll, and outside of the TCG section he had decent things to contribute such as deck fixes, but he also had a rebellious streak and etc etc." I don't see why what the mods did was a bad thing so it just makes Rodrigo seem like a weirdo crazy person. - So anyway, apparently rebels are rebeling as rebels are wont to do. I don't see why or... for what exactly. I thought they were rebelling over having CO closed, but according to the narrator that was done to weaken the rebellion. I guess I'm just not understanding the motivation of either Crab and the Mod Squad or the motivation of the rebels. What are they rebelling over? The fact that mods exist? Then what is their goal? To replace the current wave of tyranny with their own wave of tyranny? I don't understand. =\ - So anyway, Rodrigo meets people on the internet who tell him about a rebellion and then he gets assaulted by a robot sent by Crab. Oh, okay. I still don't understand why. Rodrigo's not like... a main player in the rebellion or anything. He barely knows it exists. I mean, I guess it's supposed to be similar to that scene in Star Wars where Luke's aunt and uncle are found dead after he goes to meet Obi Wan, but for Luke we at least knew why he was being hunted. He had the two droids and he was possibly going to contact Kenobi. But... here Rodrigo doesn't have "the droids" and as far as I can tell Greiga doesn't even really need Rodrigo. He'd just be another nameless rebel in his war against the mods. So why order a tactical strike against one guy who doesnt know anything about the Rebellion? Was Crab stalking their meeting? Why not go after the leader then instead of some random guy? I dunno, just seems silly. Chapter 2: - So we meet some other guy in the rebellion named Shard who apparently lives in Britain. It's apparently not cloudy there, but what I get from watching TV is that it's unusually rainy all of the time there. I haven't visited so I can't say with certainty. Maybe only days are cloudly. How should I know? - So then we're introduced to some guy named Pika who is a guy apparently. =| So Pika jumped out of the airship I assume and then went to go personally kill Shard. Which seems weird, since Crab apparently has robots to go killing for her. But apparently Crab ordered Pika to do it despite having robots to go murder people. - So now we're back in time I assume, or Pika's parachute works in mysterious ways and he's now back on Crab's ship. Pika seems eager to please so he goes off to kill Shard which is where we now are. - So next Shard's talking in the rebellion chatroom. Greiga seems unusually not alarmed about the idea of Crab taking down his rebellion. I dunno, I imagine him saying that last bit in a kind of "matter-of-fact"-ly tone of voice. Which is definetly not the kind of tone of voice I'd take to a guy who I knew was on the edge of dying. Probably more like... give them the command to run, and explain it later. He takes a full minute to respond too. He probably could have gotten off "u srs? run!" before Pika got to Shard. - So Shard's about to reply instead of getting the hell out of there like he was instructed. It took me a minute to realize you meant "flashlight" when you said "torch" which made me saddened because I thought when he said "get a weapon" his weapon of choice was a stick on fire and that sounded like an awesome idea for a fight scene. - So anyway, Pika stalks Shard for a while and finally confronts him, but instead of killing him outright he gets shot, presumably by Crab? and Shard lives to fight another day. If the murderer was out to kill Shard, why even try to intervene? How did a bullet punch through 20 centimeter thick armor? Did you know that 20 centimeters is about 8 inches? He wore 8 inch thick armor and comfortably moved around in armor that "appeared like a second skin"? I dunno, maybe. But then if the mysterious sniper was after Shard, what's to stop him from killing Shard anyway? General non-organized lingering thoughts: - Where exactly is this all taking place? I think scenes with the rebellion take place in a universe very similar to this universe where the only difference is that everyone is overly dramatic for no reason, but scenes with mods take place in like, Final Fantasy 7 or something. And then when the two scenes overlap it just comes across as really stupid and impossible to take seriously. [i]in my opinion[/i] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Organized Chaos Posted April 5, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 5, 2012 [quote name='Hatcher' timestamp='1333649170' post='5902709'] I'm judging this as a story, not for it's historically accuracy: Chapter 1: - I'm probably full of bias here because I'm a mod but honestly I don't see what the mods doing as being wrong. Mage is said to have trolled people, and having him banned was seen as a good thing. Then we're introduced to Welche and Dogking who were also trolling and they get banned. And that's what upsets Rodrigo? I dunno, but you probably should have made Welche and Dogking more endearing to the readers. Paint it like a "shades of gray" kind of story. Like "Yeah, mage was an annoying troll who deserved to be banned, but in this fictional story Welche was a 'funny' troll, and outside of the TCG section he had decent things to contribute such as deck fixes, but he also had a rebellious streak and etc etc." I don't see why what the mods did was a bad thing so it just makes Rodrigo seem like a weirdo crazy person. - So anyway, apparently rebels are rebeling as rebels are wont to do. I don't see why or... for what exactly. I thought they were rebelling over having CO closed, but according to the narrator that was done to weaken the rebellion. I guess I'm just not understanding the motivation of either Crab and the Mod Squad or the motivation of the rebels. What are they rebelling over? The fact that mods exist? Then what is their goal? To replace the current wave of tyranny with their own wave of tyranny? I don't understand. =\ - So anyway, Rodrigo meets people on the internet who tell him about a rebellion and then he gets assaulted by a robot sent by Crab. Oh, okay. I still don't understand why. Rodrigo's not like... a main player in the rebellion or anything. He barely knows it exists. I mean, I guess it's supposed to be similar to that scene in Star Wars where Luke's aunt and uncle are found dead after he goes to meet Obi Wan, but for Luke we at least knew why he was being hunted. He had the two droids and he was possibly going to contact Kenobi. But... here Rodrigo doesn't have "the droids" and as far as I can tell Greiga doesn't even really need Rodrigo. He'd just be another nameless rebel in his war against the mods. So why order a tactical strike against one guy who doesnt know anything about the Rebellion? Was Crab stalking their meeting? Why not go after the leader then instead of some random guy? I dunno, just seems silly. Chapter 2: - So we meet some other guy in the rebellion named Shard who apparently lives in Britain. It's apparently not cloudy there, but what I get from watching TV is that it's unusually rainy all of the time there. I haven't visited so I can't say with certainty. Maybe only days are cloudly. How should I know? - So then we're introduced to some guy named Pika who is a guy apparently. =| So Pika jumped out of the airship I assume and then went to go personally kill Shard. Which seems weird, since Crab apparently has robots to go killing for her. But apparently Crab ordered Pika to do it despite having robots to go murder people. - So now we're back in time I assume, or Pika's parachute works in mysterious ways and he's now back on Crab's ship. Pika seems eager to please so he goes off to kill Shard which is where we now are. - So next Shard's talking in the rebellion chatroom. Greiga seems unusually not alarmed about the idea of Crab taking down his rebellion. I dunno, I imagine him saying that last bit in a kind of "matter-of-fact"-ly tone of voice. Which is definetly not the kind of tone of voice I'd take to a guy who I knew was on the edge of dying. Probably more like... give them the command to run, and explain it later. He takes a full minute to respond too. He probably could have gotten off "u srs? run!" before Pika got to Shard. - So Shard's about to reply instead of getting the hell out of there like he was instructed. It took me a minute to realize you meant "flashlight" when you said "torch" which made me saddened because I thought when he said "get a weapon" his weapon of choice was a stick on fire and that sounded like an awesome idea for a fight scene. - So anyway, Pika stalks Shard for a while and finally confronts him, but instead of killing him outright he gets shot, presumably by Crab? and Shard lives to fight another day. If the murderer was out to kill Shard, why even try to intervene? How did a bullet punch through 20 centimeter thick armor? Did you know that 20 centimeters is about 8 inches? He wore 8 inch thick armor and comfortably moved around in armor that "appeared like a second skin"? I dunno, maybe. But then if the mysterious sniper was after Shard, what's to stop him from killing Shard anyway? General non-organized lingering thoughts: - Where exactly is this all taking place? I think scenes with the rebellion take place in a universe very similar to this universe where the only difference is that everyone is overly dramatic for no reason, but scenes with mods take place in like, Final Fantasy 7 or something. And then when the two scenes overlap it just comes across as really stupid and impossible to take seriously. [i]in my opinion[/i] [/quote] I'm sorry, I didn't check my info well enough. Do you want me to remove Pika from it completely ? Yeah, it's not meant to be taken seriously. I probably won't do any more, it's too stupid and bad to continue from. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted April 5, 2012 Report Share Posted April 5, 2012 As I said, I'm judging it as a story not as something that is meant to be accurate. I think everyone knows Crab doesn't have an airship or robots and most people can reasonably assume that I am not Sephiroth. What you do with your characters is your own business but yeah, the story's not good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hydra of Ages Posted April 5, 2012 Report Share Posted April 5, 2012 And the worst part is you didn't include a single mod from the section this is even posted in. Rinne and I are terribly insulted. But yeah, the idea behind this isn't exactly the worst thing in the world (I and a few of the other mods actually played with the idea for a little while, actually) but your execution is horribly lacking. If I walked into this with no background in the forum at all, I'd be confused why the villains seemed to be evil for... getting rid of people the narrative describes as being horrible people? We have very little backstory on these people, and it'd be nice to find out why I'm supposed to be rooting for this uprising (aside from the fact the alternative seems to be hunting people down with hunter droids) as opposed to the mods. Rodrigo was basically a throw-away character, so the first chapter amounted to little more than light exposition. Another issue is the setting. Obviously, YCMaker appears to still be a website in this universe... but people also have robot droids and superpowers off of it. So, what, is this the real world? Some comic-book like enhanced reality where people take the internet very seriously? A dystopian sci-fi future where YCM makes up the core of all communications? Give us some details here, it's very jarring to be reading about petty forum squabbles one moment and assassinations via unmanned drones the next. You also seem to have a talent for mistaking people's genders online. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Organized Chaos Posted April 5, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 5, 2012 [quote name='Hydra of Clocks' timestamp='1333650773' post='5902729'] And the worst part is you didn't include a single mod from the section this is even posted in. Rinne and I are terribly insulted. But yeah, the idea behind this isn't exactly the worst thing in the world (I and a few of the other mods actually played with the idea for a little while, actually) but your execution is horribly lacking. If I walked into this with no background in the forum at all, I'd be confused why the villains seemed to be evil for... getting rid of people the narrative describes as being horrible people? We have very little backstory on these people, and it'd be nice to find out why I'm supposed to be rooting for this uprising (aside from the fact the alternative seems to be hunting people down with hunter droids) as opposed to the mods. Rodrigo was basically a throw-away character, so the first chapter amounted to little more than light exposition. Another issue is the setting. Obviously, YCMaker appears to still be a website in this universe... but people also have robot droids and superpowers off of it. So, what, is this the real world? Some comic-book like enhanced reality where people take the internet very seriously? A dystopian sci-fi future where YCM makes up the core of all communications? Give us some details here, it's very jarring to be reading about petty forum squabbles one moment and assassinations via unmanned drones the next. You also seem to have a talent for mistaking people's genders online. [/quote] Thank you for that review. I am going to give up with this Fic now. The evidence always point against me, I am bad at writing. I won't argue, I just wanted to toy with it if you will. So I'll stop. Thanks again for putting me to my senses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~British Soul~ Posted April 5, 2012 Report Share Posted April 5, 2012 [s]i like the fic so far, and i'm intruiged to read the rest. i guess there's NO chance that i could make an appearance, no?[/s] EDIT: nvm you've given up sorry for the +1 post Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Organized Chaos Posted April 5, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 5, 2012 [quote name='evilsoul' timestamp='1333651606' post='5902743'] i like the fic so far, and i'm intruiged to read the rest. i guess there's NO chance that i could make an appearance, no? [/quote] Just as I quit, another person likes it. I think it's only the Mods and those who spend most time in this section who don't like this. I could mention you but I don't know what to do for the 3rd chapter. If I do, I'll try to include you somehow but the plot so far is a bit farfetched and stpid but I'll try. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~British Soul~ Posted April 5, 2012 Report Share Posted April 5, 2012 i could suggest you could put in more of the mods and have them on a misson to get rid of spambots Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.