Cheating Death [Original One-shot]

[Thar]

Well, I managed to write more than two pages this time.

I'll let the title do all the explaining. Let me know what you think:

[spoiler=Cheating Death - 2,098 words]

It all appeared to go by in slow motion. My body was falling into the asphalt, my insides burning me alive, and my fluids escaping me through every pore on my being, but mostly through the gaping holes that took form from the burning. I was foaming at the mouth, drooling a mixture of blood and saliva. It was at this moment where I’m surprised I could actually remember the details, but all that mattered was the life that I once had was ripped to pieces. My corpse skidded with the momentum of the fall, leaving me lying lifeless in the alleyway alone. The town was deserted; everyone was either asleep or suffering the same fate. I wouldn’t know otherwise.

It was at this time when I felt the need to set myself free. I managed to slip through the fragile temple with my holographic essence. There was no need for fresh air, for I could feel nothing. I looked around the area where I died; a dark alleyway bordered with tall, brick buildings decorated with steel stairways connecting to several doors. Dumpsters were placed along the bottom as if they were carelessly thrown there; basically blocking the alley and leaving only several yards of space from the street. A cliché place to die, I thought. I turn to look down at my unmoving flesh and blood, sighing. There were so many dreams to make true. So many loose ends to tie.

Even though I could not make contact with my body, I could sit on one of the dumpsters to think. But thinking wasn’t much of an option, for I noticed the sky was getting darker. It was midday, and there was not a cloud in the sky. Plus sunsets were usually colorful. However, this night had no color to transition between. A pitch black canvas, almost too black to consider “dark”, made the world I resided in feel like a black and white movie.

Curious, I hovered to the streets through the dumpsters that blocked the way. The whole town was deserted but it appeared like a wasteland. Not a single soul was in sight, not even the stars were shining. If emotions could be shown at this moment, fear would only swipe the surface. I felt weighted down even though I was weightless. I felt tears forming in my eye sockets but I felt only the clenches of nothingness. As my soul quivered, the existing world around me took the spiritual form of what appeared to be a hooded head, with the face not showing. I knew what it was, but I could not believe it.

“You… have… died …” the voice shook the whole world, and I quivered more, “choose… your… next… destination…”

Destination? As much as fear could contribute to the horror in front of me, I couldn’t help but wonder what it meant. Was I to choose where my spirit can go next? The questions gathered and were about to come out, but any words spoken unwisely could result in a destiny of its choosing. So I bit my tongue.

With more twists and turns in the wind, the hooded figure molded itself into three different roughly drawn circles. They weren’t very statute, but what filled their borders were. I saw an image in each of them; one was an image of a woman giving birth. One was of a hollow lair with several skeletal men in chains. The last one was blank. More questions roused in my head, but the voice shook them away immediately.

“A new beginning… a continuing retribution… or an eternal sleep…” The voice was more articulate than before. The choices being announced to me were truly distinctive. One choice could ruin me. A new life would erase all I gained from my past life. Those men in change only show an even [i]worse[/i] Hell than my past life was. And the third option… good God was my soul quivering at the idea of there being absolutely nothing, not even my existence. It was the ultimatum of ultimatums. I could not bear to decide for my [i]life[/i]… literally.
A choice was a choice, though. But I felt there was an extra one amongst them that wasn’t given. I stared down the images with an idea forming that could defy the moral standard. It made what my body would feel as excitement, which attracted the attention of what captivated me with my destiny. The hooded figure took form faintly above the images, gunning a dark look at me.

“Thou… must… choose…” it echoed, “Or… it… must... be…chosen… for… you…” The air around me began to thicken and take on a more dominant form, crushing me from the outside-in. It was a weight that not even the bottom of the ocean could compare, not that I would know. However, the voice continued as my spirit suffered its wrath, “Thou… must… choose…”

In this kind of situation, my body would feel adrenaline rushing to force itself free of the bondage. This form only felt power form a layer of strength that mortals would not have the density to wield. It could not be described nor could it be philosophized. It merely happened, breaking the bond and disintegrating the dominating form of what held me captive with my destiny. The city was clearly visible again, and the sky was not as black, but it was still not clear. I noticed the thickness of the air around me hasn’t fully thinned, and at the same time I could feel the tingling sensation of paranoia sear my inner peace. Something was coming after me, alright. Something to cross me over for good. Sure enough, I looked into the horizon to see it being cast into shadow.

The darkness grew in my direction, malicious and intimidating as all my fears combined. Quivering even more, my only thought was getting the hell away from this destiny that was chosen for me. Who knew that escaping your own fate would be such a treasonous act towards nature? I felt the air get thicker the closer the darkness grew in, but fear did not get me further from it, in fact it got me closer. I had two choices: Let fate take me to where I belong, or screw nature and resist what is forcing me into oblivion. I could not be of such a destiny as to not exist and not have anything to co-exist to my being. I just couldn’t. My choice was clear; I was fleeing from that son-of-a-b**** darkness.

My first steps were heavy and forced, but more steps were taking and before I knew it, I was running with no required strength. The urge to look back was devastating, but fear would only make it appear faster. The only way to see where it’s at was the thickness of the air; I could feel it fogging up as if the air was against me. Nature was really trying to grab me by the ankles. With no air required to breath, I felt it hard to take in the idea of existing in this realm. I felt so alive but I died a while ago. My thoughts raced with my speed along the streets of the deserted town. Billboards advertised fast food joints. Wires stroked the sides of the roads for miles. Reality felt so exhilarating with all these small details. Why did I have to die? Why did my fate have to chase me down through my regrets? It all made no sense, but I just kept running.

Pretty soon I felt no need to fear the darkness behind me. The cloudless sky started to seize its bareness with a few cumulous clouds forming in front of me. I could tell they weren’t normal. Hell, perhaps that only formed in this realm, for they shined as bright as the sun. But I did not shield me eyes, for blindness was not a concern. I saw a distant and faint figure leaking out of the cloud, appearing in my sight with such purity that a mortal would fall weightless in its presence. I hear voices in my head, telling me to keep running, and that’s what I did. Finally it took humanoid form several yards from me. At this point, I could tell who it was. It was my mother.

All of a sudden I remember the moment that happened before I died. I was sitting along the curb of the streets. People of all sorts stampeded behind me along the sidewalks as honking cars zipped by, casting a draft through my hair and causing it to fly back. I remember this because I was running past it while my mother’s spirit appeared in front of me. I remember the fire hydrant that I leaned against. I remember the puddle that my feet were pressed into. Most importantly, I remember what exactly I was doing rather than just sitting there doing nothing. I was waiting. Patiently and obliviously I waited for an answer to my prayers. I prayed that my mother would guide me through my life and that, upon death, I would see her and all would be merry. All this I remember, and it revived me of all my regret. I have seen her after death. I have received her guidance, which had come just in time.

With a blinding flash, I was filled with power that made me feel like a demi-God. Soon I began to ease my running, halting steadily and slowly turning around to wear the darkness approached me. All that it corrupted behind me appeared as a silhouette in the bright sky, except for the area in front of me. It looked as if its corruption had slowed in my presence; halted, even. Fear was completely gone, and my arms vibrated from the power that consumed me. I truly felt like a God, and I knew that this was my destiny. I gathered the power in my arms and let out a burst of light that erased the blackness of the shadow from existence. Soon the whole town was visible, and I felt like no other.

Seeing everything was straightened out, I turned around only to see the air take the form of the hooded head that I encountered before. It did not seem to quiver in my presence, but I knew it was concerned enough to show itself a second time.

“You… have chosen… wisely…” it echoed, “Redeem… yourself… and you… will be... reunited... with… your… loved ones…”

The hooded head dispatched before me, and I was left to ponder. Before I could think of the meaning of “redemption”, the world began to take form around me and come alive again. The dirt in the road blew across it. The trees swayed and danced. The sounds of people and car horns filled my ears, and I felt alive. Fearing I was remotely appearing in the street in front of everyone, I ran to hide in hopes that superstition wasn’t afoot in my being. I tried to look casual as I eased my way into sight, striding on the sidewalk like everyone else.

Feeling the need to socialize, I walk across the street and approach a group of attractive girls sitting at a table outside one of the corner restaurants. I heard their sexy laughs, raising my chest and finding a good approach. I walked up to the table and rested my arm on it, trying to sound cool, “Hello, ladies.” They said nothing in response. In fact, that didn’t even look at me. I felt rejected, but I did not give up, “I see you are eating a hot dog. That is my favorite.” Still, they said nothing.

Frustrated, I give up and hail a taxi, but again I was rebuffed. Now I was furious. I went through Hell to be brought back to life for this sh*t. I wait for the next one, yelling louder and flailing my arms to get his attention. Still no attention. I then jump in front of it, making him break, but he did not break. The taxi sped into me, going straight through me. I felt it go through me, but I felt no pain. I only remained standing there, paralyzed with confusion. If a car going twenty miles-per-hour and hit me, I’d be lying on the ground bleeding and in pain, maybe even unconscious. Yet I’m not on the ground. I’m not in pain.

Am I not alive yet?
[/spoiler]

[Vairocana]

[spoiler=]It all appeared to go by in slow motion. My body was falling into the asphalt, my insides burning me alive, and my fluids escaping [s]me[/s] through every pore [s]on my being[/s], but mostly through the gaping holes that took form from the burning[b](awkward phrasing)[/b]. I was foaming at the mouth, drooling a mixture of blood and saliva. It was at this moment where I’m surprised I could actually remember the details, but all that mattered was the life that I once had was ripped to pieces[b](really awkward phrasing)[/b]. My corpse skidded with the momentum of the fall, leaving me [s]lying[/s] lifeless in the alleyway alone. The town was deserted; everyone was either asleep or suffering the same fate. I wouldn’t know otherwise.

It was at this time when I felt the need to set myself free. I managed to slip through the fragile temple[b](??)[/b] with my holographic essence[b]("holographic essence" just makes me think he's a hologram, which I don't think is what you were going for)[/b]. There was no need for [s]fresh[/s] air, for I could feel nothing. I looked around the area where I died; a dark alleyway bordered [s]with[/s] [b]by [/b]tall, brick buildings decorated with steel stairways connecting to several doors. Dumpsters were placed along the bottom as if they were carelessly thrown there; basically blocking the alley and leaving only several yards of space from the street. A cliché place to die, I thought. I turn to look down at my unmoving flesh and blood, sighing. There were so many dreams to make true. So many loose ends to tie.

Even though I could not make contact with my body, I could sit on one of the dumpsters to think. But thinking wasn’t much of an option, for I noticed the sky was getting darker. It was midday, and there was not a cloud in the sky. Plus sunsets were usually colorful. However, this night had no color to transition between. A pitch black canvas, almost too black to consider “dark”, made the world I resided in feel like a black and white movie[b](bad metaphor. BW movies could still be pretty bright. I would have said something more along the lines of "plunged my world into shades of black and gray")[/b].

Curious, I hovered to the streets [s]through the dumpsters that blocked the way[/s]. [s]The whole town was deserted but it appeared like a wasteland[/s][b](1. you already told us the town was deserted, 2. "like a wasteland implies that it is deserted, which you already told us)[/b]. Not a single soul was in sight, not even the stars were shining. If emotions could be shown at this moment[b](awkward)[/b], fear would only swipe the surface. I felt weighted down even though I was weightless. I felt tears forming in my eye sockets[b](unless he's a skeleton, say eyes.)[/b] but I felt only the clenches of nothingness. As my soul quivered, the existing world around me took the spiritual form of [s]what appeared to be[/s] a hooded head, with the face [s]not showing[/s][b](hidden)[/b]. I knew what it was, but I could not believe it.

“You… have… died …” the voice shook the whole world, and I quivered more, “choose… your… next… destination…”

Destination? As much as fear could contribute to the horror in front of me, I couldn’t help but wonder what it meant[b](the two halves of this sentence don't make sense with one another)[/b]. Was I to choose where my spirit [s]can go[/s] [b]went [/b]next? The questions gathered and were about to come out[b](awkward)[/b], but any words spoken unwisely could result in a destiny of its choosing. So I bit my tongue.

With more twists and turns in the wind, the hooded figure molded itself into three different roughly drawn circles. They weren’t very statute[b](what? That makes no sense. I can't think of any word that looks similar to "statute" that would make sense either)[/b], but what filled their borders were. I saw an image in each of them; one was an image of a woman giving birth. One was of a hollow lair with several skeletal men in chains. The last one was blank. More questions roused in my head, but the voice shook them away immediately.

“A new beginning… a continuing retribution… or an eternal sleep…” The voice was more articulate than before. The choices being announced to me were truly distinctive. One choice could ruin me. A new life would erase all I gained from my past life. Those men in [s]change[/s] [b]chains [/b]only show an even [i]worse[/i] Hell than my past life [s]was[/s]. And the third option… good God [s]was[/s] my soul quiver[s]ing[/s][b]ed[/b] at the idea of there being absolutely nothing, not even my existence. It was the ultimatum of ultimatums. I could not bear to decide for my [i]life[/i]… literally.
A choice was a choice, though. But I felt there was an extra one amongst them that wasn’t given. I stared down the images with an idea forming that could defy the moral standard[b](what? Moral standard? What?)[/b]. It made what my body would feel as excitement[b](what?)[/b], which attracted the attention of what captivated me with my destiny[b](what?)[/b]. The hooded figure took form faintly above the images, gunning a dark look at me.

“Thou… must… choose…” it echoed, “Or… it… must... be…chosen… for… you…” The air around me began to thicken and take on a more dominant form, crushing me from the outside-in. It was a weight that not even the bottom of the ocean could compare, not that I would know. However, the voice continued as my spirit suffered its wrath, “Thou… must… choose…”

In this kind of situation, my body would feel adrenaline rushing to force itself free of the bondage. This form only felt power form a layer of strength that mortals would not have the density[b](but....a ghost has even [i]less[/i] density than a human)[/b] to wield. It could not be described nor could it be philosophized. It merely happened, breaking the bond and disintegrating the dominating form of what held me captive with my destiny[b](what?)[/b]. The city was clearly visible again, and the sky was not as black, but it was still not clear. I noticed the thickness of the air around me hasn’t fully thinned, and at the same time I could feel the tingling sensation of paranoia sear my inner peace. Something was coming after me, alright. Something to cross me over for good. Sure enough, I looked into the horizon to see it being cast into shadow.

The darkness grew in my direction, malicious and intimidating as all my fears combined[b](the point of a simile is to make the image more concrete. "all my fears combined" is almost as abstract as the darkness, possibly even more abstract)[/b]. Quivering[b](can we get a new action? All this guy ever seems to do is quiver.)[/b] even more, my only thought was getting the hell away from this destiny that was chosen for me. Who knew that escaping your own fate would be such a treasonous act towards nature? I felt the air get thicker the closer the darkness grew in, but fear did not get me further from it, in fact it got me closer. I had two choices: Let fate take me to where I belong, or screw nature and resist what [s]is [/s][b]was [/b]forcing me into oblivion. I could not be [s]of such a destiny as[/s] [b]destined [/b]to not exist and not have anything to co-exist to my being[b](what?)[/b]. I just couldn’t. My choice was clear; I was fleeing from that son-of-a-b**** darkness.

My first steps were heavy and forced[b](thought this bro was a ghost)[/b], but more steps were [s]taking[/s] [b]taken, [/b]and before I knew it, I was running [s]with no required strength[/s]. The urge to look back was devastating, but fear would only make it appear faster. The only way to see where it’s at was the thickness of the air; I could feel it fogging up as if the air [s]was[/s] [b]were [/b]against me. Nature was really trying to grab me by the ankles. With no air required to breath[b](if you're not intaking air, then you're not breathing. :/)[/b], I felt it hard to take in the idea of existing in this realm[b](what?)[/b]. I felt so alive but I died a while ago. My thoughts raced with my speed along the streets of the deserted town[b](awkward)[/b]. Billboards advertised fast food joints. Wires stroked the sides of the roads for miles. Reality felt so exhilarating with all these small details. Why did I have to die? Why did my fate have to chase me down through my regrets? It all made no sense, but I just kept running.

Pretty soon I felt no need to fear the darkness behind me. The cloudless sky started to seize its bareness with a few cumulous clouds forming in front of me[b](awkward)[/b]. I could tell they weren’t normal. Hell, perhaps that only formed in this realm, for they shined as bright as the sun. But I did not shield me eyes, for blindness was not a concern. I saw a distant and faint figure leaking out of the cloud, appearing [s]in my sight[/s] with such purity that a mortal would fall weightless[b](I'm not sure this is the right word choice)[/b] in its presence. I hear voices in my head, telling me to keep running, and that’s what I did. Finally it took humanoid form several yards from me. At this point, I could tell who it was. It was my mother.

All of a sudden I remember[b]ed[/b] the moment that happened before I died. I was sitting along the curb [s]of the streets[/s][b](curbs are on the sides of streets, you don't need to clarify that it was by the street)[/b]. People of all sorts stampeded behind me along the sidewalks as honking cars zipped by, casting a draft through my hair and causing it to fly back. I remember this because I was running past it[b](past what? Are we still in the flashback?)[/b] while my mother’s spirit appeared in front of me. I remember the fire hydrant that I leaned against. I remember the puddle that my feet were pressed into. Most importantly, I remember [s]what[/s] exactly [b]what [/b]I was doing [s]rather than just sitting there doing nothing[/s]. I was waiting. Patiently and obliviously I waited for an answer to my prayers. I prayed that my mother would guide me through my life and that, upon death, I would see her and all would be merry. All this I remember, and it revived me of all my regret[b](this makes no sense)[/b]. I have seen her after death. I have received her guidance, which had come just in time.

With a blinding flash, I was filled with power that made me feel like a demi-God. Soon I began to ease my running, halting steadily and slowly turning around to [s]wear [/s][b]where [/b]the darkness approached me. All that it corrupted behind me appeared as a silhouette in the bright sky, except for the area in front of me. It looked as if its corruption had slowed in my presence; halted, even. Fear was completely gone, and my arms vibrated from the power that consumed me. I truly felt like a God, and I knew that this was my destiny. I gathered the power in my arms and let out a burst of light that erased the blackness [s]of the shadow[/s] from existence. Soon the whole town was visible, and I felt like no other.

Seeing everything was straightened out, I turned around only to see the air take the form of the hooded head that I encountered before. It did not seem to quiver in my presence, but I knew it was concerned enough to show itself a second time.

“You… have chosen… wisely…” it echoed, “Redeem… yourself… and you… will be... reunited... with… your… loved ones…”

The hooded head [s]dispatched[/s] [b]disappited [/b]before me, and I was left to ponder. Before I could think of the meaning of “redemption”, the world began to take form around me and come alive again. The dirt in the road blew across it. The trees swayed and danced. The sounds of people and car horns filled my ears, and I felt alive. Fearing I was remotely[b](I think you need a dictionary)[/b] appearing in the street in front of everyone, I ran to hide in hopes that superstition wasn’t afoot in my being[b](what?)[/b]. I tried to look casual as I eased my way into sight, striding on the sidewalk like everyone else.

Feeling the need to socialize, I walk[b](keep tenses consistent)[/b] across the street and approach a group of attractive girls sitting at a table outside one of the corner restaurants. I heard their sexy laughs, [b]and [/b]raising my chest[b],[/b][s] and finding[/s] [b]found [/b]a good approach. I walked up to the table and rested my arm on it, trying to sound cool, “Hello, ladies.” They said nothing in response. In fact, that didn’t even look at me. I felt rejected, but I did not give up, “I see you are eating a hot dog. That is my favorite.” [b](this guy clearly knows what it takes to get into a woman's heart)[/b]Still, they said nothing.

Frustrated, I give up and hail a taxi, but again I was rebuffed[b](keep tenses consistent)[/b]. Now I was furious. I went through Hell to be brought back to life for this sh*t. I wait for the next one, yelling louder and flailing my arms to get his attention. Still[b] nothing[/b] [s]no attention[/s]. I then jump in front of it, making him [s]break[/s][b] brake[/b], but he did not [s]break [/s][b]brake[/b][b](awkward)[/b]. The taxi sped into me, going straight through me. I felt it go through me, but I felt no pain. I [s]only[/s] remained standing there, paralyzed with confusion. If a car going twenty miles-per-hour and hit me, I’d be lying on the ground bleeding and in pain, maybe even unconscious. Yet I’m not on the ground. I’m not in pain.

Am I not alive yet?[/spoiler]

[b]The more you try to use lyrical language, the more confusing your sentences get, and most of them fall flat on their face. Other than that, the big problem here is the voice of the narrator. Or lack thereof. He doesn't seem to have a consistent or actualized personality, when he curses it feels really out of place with the rest of the narration. Figure out your character.[/b]

[Thar]

It's hard. I always have to use lyrical language, otherwise it doesn't sound interesting to me. It's become a habit of mine, mainly because they're just so much easier to use than describing something literally.

Awkward phrasing is another problem I have. I never seem to realize it at first, but I always get a slap in the face when it's pointed out.

[Thar]

Bump

[Vairocana]

You would benefit from this:
http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/280160-editing-tips-for-writers/