Man-Monster [PG-13]

[John A. Zoidberg]

Hrrrm. Creative writing thing. I don't expect for it to be tremendously long, but enjoy. Only chapter one is finished, but any suggestions are more than welcome. As well, I openly accept comments and criticism. So have at it.
(This looks really sloppy, since indent isn't working. Don't worry, I'll figure it out. Also, Chapter 1 is intentionally short, don't worry. It's just introductory.)

[spoiler=Chapter 1: The Tiger and the Duke]

“His name was Peter, you know,” echoed a voice in his mind as he walked along the trail, “He was ten, maybe eleven. The exact number is unclear.” As the trail began to fade to obscurity and as he walked on, the echoing voice grew louder. The man cupped his hands over his ears, and cringed in fear. “His golden locks, hanging down just below his ears were torn away by the teeth!” they screamed in his covered ears, “His blue eyes were faded and bloodied! There were scars along his face! Oh, the cries! They… they-”

“Stop it already! Shut the hell up!” he yelled, now on his knees, and the voices ceased. A brief gust of wind rustled his short, jet-black hair. He clenched his teeth, chiseled jaw and all. Without even realizing it, he’d left the beaten path, and was now in a large clearing. The grass was dead. There were no trees. Absolutely nothing was living, except a large, sleeping tiger, bathed in sunlight. The golden rays made the orange of his far look like a blazing fire, ready to envelop all who touch it. The black stripes of his fur looked as black as the longest night. With each inhale of sleep, the tiger’s stomach rose feet in the air, and lowered once more with each exhale.

The clearing was bleak. By a stretch, it was desolate. Bones decorated the floor, and the tiger slept soundly on a small hill, raised only a short distance from the rest of the otherwise flat clearing.

“You!” he yelled to the beast, and the tiger sat up, looking directly towards him. His voice was loud and confident, yet deep. Those who heard him knew that he was a man fit to lead, and so he did. He trembled with fear as the massive beast approached him, nearly three times his own size.

“Me?” the tiger spoke angrily, its eyes meeting his directly, “You speak to me as though I am at fault for something? You dare speak as though I am a common beast? Was it not you that recently slaughtered a young boy? Peter, if what I’ve heard proves to be true. I can see your conscious has been plaguing you already. Ah, the joy that fills my heart when a human of weak mind and weaker heart approaches! Was it not you that confined me to this place to begin with? Cowardice, if you ask me! I highly doubt you can comprehend the loneliness I feel, blanketed by nothing but death. Yet that’s the way humankind is, I suppose. Isn’t that right, Duke Claus Ward?”

“I have no intention of arguing today, Grimm,” Claus said, his eyes locked with those of the tiger still, “I simply wish to speak with you, nothing more. Act properly and you may even finish this conversation with a sense of gratefulness.”

“Very well,” sighed Grimm, “Enter, enter. Sit down wherever you please.”

“Thank you.” Claus walked into the small clearing and sat down on a particularly comfortable-looking patch of grass. Grimm walked over and sat, facing him directly.

“So what is it of such urgency that you wish to discuss?” the old beast said, his tone now peaceful, “Surely you did not travel all this way for idle chitchat.”

“Very well, I’ll get to it,” Claus sighed, “You knew about Peter. How exactly did that come to be? Whether or not you wish to believe it, this information is crucially important.”

“I know many things, you foolish human. I know why your kind exists, if you wish for me to tell you. I find these things, however, not by my own knowledge, not by some exceptional talent, but by the knowledge of those around me. The forest is a place of many things, and though I am confined to this small clearing, I hear them all. The sound of the trees whistling, the birds’ musical tales, even the gossip of the vermin- all of it. I hear everything. To deny that you don’t hear it now would be foolish- even for [i]you.[/i]”

“That’s your answer?” Claus sounded rather annoyed, “You knew about the slaughter of an innocent child because a tree whistled it to you, or a bird sang it to you? You expect me to believe that a squirrel told you of a child’s murder?”

“You seem to underestimate the rate at which information travels, my friend. After all, he was killed in this very forest. These creatures see all, they tell all. As I’ve told you, I hear all that they have to say. If I weren’t trapped in this place, one might go so far as to call me the proverbial ‘king’ of this forest.”

“You’ll forgive me if I don’t entirely believe you,” he said, “I have my doubts that a creature as wise and dangerous as yourself knows everything he knows through mere gossip. Will you not tell me the truth? Is this visit just a simple waste of time?”

The tiger’s face slowly inched closer to that of the man sitting adjacent to him. As the beast neared, Claus could see every feature of Grimm’s face. The fur was old and dully colored without the effects of the sunlight. His face was adorned with scars. Even an eye was missing from the elder beast’s socket. The eye remaining of the two was not that of a normal tiger. It was a light-purple color, and the iris a black similar to that of his stripes. The horror employed by his very gaze was enough to make Claus cower and tremble. Each breath the tiger took was periodically louder, increasing in anger and intensity. Even the scent that the Grimm’s sweat emitted was that of a pure, incontestable hatred.

“Time and time again, I have told you the truth,” Grimm snarled, “those truths had me tortured, exiled, and imprisoned here. I have had enough! [i]You [/i]will forgive [i]me [/i]if my tale is not entirely accurate. I see no point in wasting my time on a pathetic mortal like you!”

The man unsheathed a blade from his inner coat and said, “Y… You will not harm me! I’ll kill you!” The tiger growled and bared his teeth, frightening the man until he dropped his blade and ran, sprinting the entire way.

“Foolish Duke,” the tiger said to himself, “He didn’t even question the reason of his existence. Most would die to know that. The humans are an odd race. Slightly comical to me, if I’m being perfectly honest. I suppose he’ll never understand. Neither will any human, at the current rate they are advancing. Humanity exists to destroy. It will be within a very short period of time that they doom themselves to extinction. How that man controls anything is beyond me.

“I just fear for whom else will suffer at their hands until that occurs, and we are all freed from this place of sorrow.”

[/spoiler]

[Vairocana]

[spoiler=]“His name was Peter, you know,” echoed a voice in his mind as he walked along the trail, “He was ten, maybe eleven. The exact number is unclear.” [s]As[/s] [b]T[/b]he trail began to lessen in apparentness [b]("lessen in apparentness" is super awkward. Maybe something like "fade out"?)[/b][s]and[/s] [b]as [/b]he walked on, the echoing voice grew louder. “His golden locks, hanging down just below his ears were torn away by the teeth!” they screamed in his ear, “His blue eyes were faded and bloodied! There were scars along his face! Oh, the cries! They… they-”
“Stop it already!” he yelled, and the voices ceased. A brief gust of wind rustled his short, jet-black hair. Without even realizing it, he’d left the beaten path, and was now in a large clearing. The grass was dead. There were no trees. Absolutely nothing was living, except, [s]however[/s], a large tiger, bathed in sunlight[b](I kind of want to take a moment and have some really nice description of the tiger)[/b].
[s]The clearing was bleak. There was grass, but it was dead to the point of grayness.[/s] [b](repeated)[/b]Bones decorated the floor, and the tiger slept soundly on a bed of torn grass, indicating a real use for the torn up patch of land near him[b](I'm not sure what you mean on this second half othe sentence)[/b].
“You!” he yelled to the beast, and the tiger sat up, looking directly towards him. He trembled with fear as the massive beast approached him, nearly three times his [s]own[/s] size.
“Me?” the tiger spoke angrily, its eyes meeting his [s]directly[/s], “You speak to me as though I am at fault for something? You dare speak as though I am a common beast? Was it not you that recently slaughtered a young boy? Peter, if what I’ve heard proves to be true. I can see your conscious has been plaguing you already. Ah, the joy that fills my heart when a human of weak mind and weaker heart approaches! Was it not you that confined me to this place in the first place[b](use of place twice is awkward. Can you find an alternate word for one of them?)[/b]? Cowardice, if you ask me! I really doubt you can comprehend the loneliness I feel, blanketed by nothing but death. Yet that’s the way humankind is, I suppose. Isn’t that right, Duke Claus Ward?”
“I have no intention of arguing today, Grimm,” Claus said, his eyes locked with those of the tiger[b]'s[/b] still, “I simply wish to speak with you, nothing more. Act properly and you may even finish this conversation with a sense of gratefulness.”
“Very well,” sighed Grimm, “Enter, enter. Sit down wherever you please.”
“Thank you.” Claus walked into the small clearing and sat down on a particularly soft-looking patch of land[b]("land" is a little generic for my taste. Dirt? Sand? Dead grass?)[/b]. Grimm walked over and sat, facing him.
“So what is it of such urgency that you wish to discuss?” the old beast said, his tone now peaceful, “Surely you did not travel all this way for idle chitchat.”
“Very well, I’ll get to it,” Claus sighed, “You knew about Peter. How exactly did that come to be? Whether or not you wish to believe it, this information is crucially important.”
“I know many things, you foolish human. I know why your kind exists, if you wish for me to tell you. I find these things, however, not by my own knowledge, not by some exceptional talent, but by the knowledge of those around me. The forest is a place of many things, and though I am confined to this small clearing, I hear them all. The sound of the trees whistling, the birds’ musical tales, even the gossip of the vermin- all of it. I hear everything. To deny that you don’t hear it now would be foolish- even for [i]you.[/i]”
“That’s your answer?” Claus sounded [s]rather[/s] annoyed, “You knew about the slaughter of an innocent child because a tree whistled it to you, or a bird sang it to you? You expect me to believe that a squirrel told you of a child’s murder?”
“You seem to underestimate the rate at which information travels, my friend. After all, he was killed in this very forest. These creatures see all, they tell all. As I’ve told you, I hear all that they have to say. If I [s]wasn’t[/s] [b]weren't [/b]trapped in this place, one might go so far as to call me the proverbial ‘king’ of this forest.”
“You’ll forgive me if I don’t entirely believe you,” he said, “I have my doubts that a creature as wise and dangerous as yourself knows everything he knows through mere gossip. Will you not tell me the truth? Is this visit a [s]shear[/s] [b](word you're looking for is "sheer", but I don't think you need it here) [/b]waste of time?”
The tiger’s face grew closer to that of the man sitting adjacent to him[b](awkward, and it sounds like the tiger's face is physically growing in size.)[/b]. As the beast neared, Claus could see every feature of Grimm’s face. The fur was old and dull. His face was adorned with scars. Even an eye was missing from the elder beast’s body. [b](More. I want more details. This is a great chance to get really creative with description. You don't have to limit it to sight, either. What does the dude smell like?)[/b]
“Time and time again, I have told you the truth,” Grimm snarled, “those truths had me tortured, exiled, and imprisoned here. I have had enough! [i]You [/i]will forgive [i]me [/i]if my tale is not entirely accurate. I see no point in wasting my time on a pathetic mortal like you!”
The man unsheathed a blade from his inner coat and said, “Y… You will not harm me! I’ll kill you!” The tiger growled and bared his teeth, frightening the man until he [s]ran off, dropping his blade and[/s] [b]dropped his blade and ran, [/b]sprinting the entire way, [s]until he was out of the forest[/s].
“Foolish Duke,” the tiger said to himself, “He didn’t even question the reason of his existence. Most would die to know that. [s]The[/s] humans are an odd race. Slightly comical to me, if I’m being perfectly honest. I suppose he’ll never understand. Neither will any human, at the current rate they are advancing. Humanity exists to destroy. It will be [s]within[/s] a very short period [s]of time that[/s] [b]until [/b]they doom themselves to extinction. How that man controls anything is beyond me.
[s]“[/s]I just fear for whom else will suffer at their hands until that occurs, and we are all freed from this place of sorrow.”[/spoiler]

[b]This is a pretty interesting start. You're doing a pretty good job of giving us backstory while still progressing the narrative. Right now the biggest issue I see is that a lot of your sentences and dialogue gets kind of awkward. The dialogue, at least, I feel like you're going for a specific "feel", although there are still some areas I would have personally written differently. I would really love to see some more description used. Guilty characters are really fun to write, in my opinion, and I think you should align us deeper within Claus, so we can really experience that wracking sense of guilt that is haunting him. I want to see him do more than just shout angrily at the voices. I want to see him cover his ears, beg, threaten, yell, become infuriated. If you're hearing voices, you're at least a [i]little[/i] unhinged, I want to see some of that instability.[/b]

[b]As for the tiger, I want to see a greater sense of majesty, or former majesty. They way he refers to Claus as a mortal, the way he seems to see time in an expanded view (like in his ruminations on the human race) make me think he is something much more than an ordinary tiger. I want to see that in his behavior, in how he holds himself. I want to see the raw power of a tiger, barely contained. What does he sound like? I want to know that too. [/b]

[John A. Zoidberg]

Think of this as a prologue, though, just very unofficial. Also, I wrote this late last night, and tried my best to patch it up before posting, so my grammar was majorly off.
Regardless, I'm not developing the characters to hell just yet, but thanks for your suggestions, and I'll definitely take them into consideration.

Edited.