[Original One-shot] For now, named "Thunder"

[Makο]

That name is flimsy, so it probably won't last.


ANYWAY

This is a story that spawned from the Helicopter story I mentioned now and then in a few of my status updates.
[spoiler=Don't read if you don't want story spoilers]
I thought "Why not take my old story idea...and put DRAGONS in there.

DOING IT"[/spoiler]

Now, in this One-shot, it's starting from (if this was a full fledged story) a good way in. Not TOO far, but still decent. Not only do I want this to be a test of how well I can type in the first person, but also how well I'm able to write in general. After all, since this starts pretty far in, I want to be able to see if I have an effective method of giving out information and details of the surrounding area.

Also, all grammar fixes were provided by burnpsy, so if something is wrong, blame hi- *shot*

[spoiler=First, some info about weapons and things used]
[url="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/RAH-66_Comanche"]http://en.wikipedia....RAH-66_Comanche[/url]
[url="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/XM301"]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/XM301[/url]
[url="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydra_70"]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydra_70[/url]
[spoiler=Thunder Squad's version of the Comanche]


[img]http://www.aircraftresourcecenter.com/Gal4/3101-3200/Gal3158_RAH-66Comanche_Cruz/04.jpg[/img]
This is what their version of the Comanche looks like. However, it's referred to as a One-Seater in the one shot itself, so imagine the back seat as gone. In it's place is extra fuel, supplies, or ammo.[/spoiler]
[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Here goes nothing :/ also 1724 words incoming]
I took a deep sigh of the misty morning air, overlooking the dusty red canyon that I called my home. I had hardly gotten any sleep last night, and was hoping the mist would rejuvenate me. Unfortunately, it didn’t do much, as I still felt groggy. It didn’t help that I was sore all over my body either, due to the cramped cockpit I had slept in. Just as I began to stretch, I heard Mar call out from behind.

“It’s time, Lucas. Pack up, and move out. We’ll be waiting on the far side of the barrier.”

He quickly began the descent down the pile of rocks I had parked my One-Seater Comanche on top of. I ran back to it, not wanting to keep Overlord waiting, and turned the keys. The blades began to slowly spin, blowing dust all around me. Soon enough, I was air-born, and I hovered down the rocks, navigating my way through tall stone pillars that we used as a natural defense against the ones that liked to land. Straight ahead through the pillars, I caught a glimpse at the settlement from which we were deploying from, still smoldering from the last attack. Above it, I saw the rest of my squadron, and just as I went within view they began to move out, heading in the same direction I was. I checked my fuel gauge, making sure it was still acceptable. It was at 34%, which is good enough for now. My radio crackled to life as I heard the voice of Overlord come through.


“All right, men. I’m running through this one last time before the operation starts. Directly north from your current position is the old city of Moscow. Within the city is the old Russia Tower. If you haven’t heard about it before, you won’t need to. The beasts have taken refuge within the tower, and it’s our job to light it up. Those bastards have hunted us down for too long, and it’s our job to strike back. Thunder 1 and Thunder 2 are going to be keeping an eye on the skies for any approaching bandits, while Thunder 3 and 4 are going to launch their payloads at the base of the tower. God speed, and don’t let them take a bite out of you!”


I checked my control screen, eyeing the weapons I have armed. Two Hydra 70 Rocket pods, with 19 in each. Nothing by older standards, but a Godsend these days. My radio turned back on as Thunder-1 began standard assault procedures.

“Thunder Squad, sound off! Thunder-1, in command.”

“Thunder-2, eyes sharp.” I could hear Mar turn on his input, with the distinctive sound of his stealth rotor blades.

“Thunder-3, packing heat.” I flipped on the input.

“Thunder-4, ready to raise some hell.”

“All Thunders, watch your flanks. Thunder-2, on me. Stay in formation. Thunders-3 and 4, stay low within the streets and watch your corners. This way, if Thunder-2 and I are taken out, they may miss you.”

“Copy that Thunder-1. We’ll move in on your signal.” As our Rotors got ever closer to the city, just how much destruction had happened over the past few decades really began to sink in. The crumbling and abandoned streets seemed to have an almost ghostly appearance. The thought of the people who used to live her chills down my spine. How many of these people had to face the wrath of foes they cannot defeat?

“Thunders-3 and 4, move in now. Keep it tight.”

At that command, I angled my joystick downwards, and felt the g-forces press against me. Mar created a private channel on the radio soon after we were rushing through the streets.

“Yah know, my parents said they used to live here, God rest their souls. They said it was the pride and joy of the country. But hell…look at it now.”

The street was lined with rows of deserted cars, with half of them crushed or scorched. Small pieces of rubble from crumbling buildings fell down from their resting places, as the vibrations of our Rotors had un-lodged them. We began to near the tower, and it was a sight to behold. It was a wonder the thing was still standing, with large chunks of the structure missing and scorched pieces littered around and on it. However, its height and view over the city made it a natural choice for the beasts to hold up. And it was evident they were still there due to the flames that still burned along some parts of the structure. Probably used to keep them warm from the natural cold of Russia. The open channel crackled to life, with Thunder-1 speaking.

“Alright. Thunder-3, Thunder-4, raise altitude and lock on. You guys only have one shot at this, as they’ll come running as soon as you fire.”

“Copy that, Thunder-1. Hey, Lucas, try not to miss!”

“I assure you, I won’t. Rockets primed. All right, Mar, in unison. Three…two…ONE!” I jammed my fingers down on the two triggers. There was a slight pause, immediately followed by a loud rumbling, as my Rotor shook violently. Just as I attempted to steady my Rotor, I looked out my window to see one pod of rockets launch its entire payload right at the base of the tower. They collided just as Mar’s did, sending up a cloud of dust and debris from the impact zone. The entire structure began to groan loudly, as it’s metal pieces began to bend and fold in the direction of the impact zone.

“Nice shot, Mar!”

“Yeah, well, I do what I can, ya know? Heh heh…” Mar’s humble attitude couldn’t help but bring up a chuckle in me, knowing he’s not usually like this. I peered back over at the Russia tower and noticed something odd about it. The structure held a perilous lean over to the side where the rockets collided, but it refused to fall further. Quickly, I switched the input back over to the main channel.

“Uh, Thunder-1? The structure doesn’t look like it falling anymore.”

“I noticed it too. It doesn’t make sense. By all logic, the tower shouldn’t be able to keep itself up. All Thunders, keep your eyes peeled. I have a bad feeling about th-“ A large thudding noise startled me as a large cloud of dust erupted from the base of the tower. Soon enough, it was collapsing again, but not in the correct direction. The tower began a quick descent directly down into the earth, quickly being swallowed up by a massive hole that was directly beneath the tower’s original location. Within, there were the roars of what sounded thousands of beasts.

“All Thunders, we have just stirred the hornets nest that we didn’t know existed. We’re making a beeline for the colder areas of this region! Move it!” I jammed the control stick back as far as I could, just as I caught the first glimpse of what ascended from the hole. I could not describe my shock and awe in that moment with a thousand words.


A massive Dragon, easily the size of an aircraft carrier, began it’s slow ascension, spreading it’s incredibly large wings and letting loose a roar that sent a hail of static through my radio.

“What the hell!? But the first roar sounded like-”

“Thunder-3, shut the hell up. All Thunders, we’re dealing with an unknown variety of beast. It appears to be of European descent, just based on its shape. But it’s the bloody largest I’ve ever seen.”

“Thunder-1, can we even take something that size? Thunders 3 and 4 have already used a full pod of rockets. I don’t think we’d have-“

“Can it, Thunder-2. We’re going to fight it. It’s too large to be able to effectively move around, so enough strafing would be enough to-“ A flurry of smaller cries shook us up, as tens of hundreds of smaller Wyverns flew up of the hole, all making a dash for our location.

“Uh, what do we do NOW, boss?”

As soon as he muttered it, a beast collided directly into Thunder-2, causing him to spin out suddenly.
“AHH! AHH! Get it off, get it off!”

His desperate cries for help were drowned out by the sounds of crashing glass and beast roars. Thunder-2 yelped, as the horrendous sound of tearing flesh came in on the radio. As soon as he heard it, Thunder-1 angled his XM301 towards Thunder-2 and let rip a hail of 20mm gunfire, ripping the beast and the Rotor to shreds.

“Thunders, we’re getting out! Use suppressive fire to help cover our retreat!” Thunder-1’s voice was notably more in a panic then before, but who can blame him? I began to fire my own XM301 behind me, using the onboard camera to hopefully take one of them out. I managed to catch a glimpse one as of my shots hit the worst possible target. The massive beast flinched as a randomly fired shot nailed him in his eye, causing him to release a roar of pain. It was all too obvious that it was now pissed. With a huge flap of his two massive wings, he ascended into the air with surprising speed. Two more, and he was covered by the layer of clouds hovering over the city.

“Oh crap, oh crap. I don’t wanna die! I want to survive this! I-“

“Mar, quit your whining! The smaller beasts are terrified of our Gatling’s, so just keep firing and we’ll make it out ok!” As if fate was against me today, the massive beast dropped down from the cloud layer, nearly smashing all three of us. I felt a huge thud on my Rotor, and suddenly, I began to spin out of control in a downward motion. I checked my tail, only to see that it had been completely cut off. I attempted to stabilize my Rotor, with no luck. I could do nothing but brace for the impending impact. However, I could feel the massive g-forces begin to kill my conscious. The world around me began to fade to black, but before I cut out, I saw the massive beast release a huge ball of flame from the bowls of its stomach. I couldn’t stay awake any longer. My vision was cut, and I passed out.[/spoiler]


[s]if only burnpsy was able to give advice on story :I[/s]

[Agro]

I'm going to say what Pika will probably say: You're characters aren't being characterized. (Or something along those lines)

We don't learn much about the characters, and we've gained hardly anything worth our while to care about them. You're writing's good, and the dialogue is excellent considering the situation.

My main worry is that you're so concerned about being militarily accurate, or show off your knowledge of different weapons and machines that a military will use, that you've essentially ignored any other parts of what make this a story.

As a positive, even though I was down on it, being militarily accurate is a good thing, just make sure you don't leave everything else in the dust (and more importantly, never call a heli a chopper) You're action sequences are well written, though I'll have to look back at them again. They don't seem to move too slowly that they hold anything up and still manage to give us whatever information we need to assess the situation.

In either case, you should keep up on this, I'm actually interested as to what you're planning to do. (plus it'll give you a good chance to flesh out the characters better)

(and if you need help on story, I can do pretty well. JUST SAYING)

[Makο]

First post goes too...AGGRO *massive applause*


Anyway, probably the main reason the character seem...eh, dull, to say the least, is because I haven't really given proper time to give them character traits and the like. This is, like I said, mostly just a test to see how well my style of first person writing (and writing in general) stood up. If I do get around to writing this as a full story (most likely in weekly releases), I'll have more time to flesh out the characters.

Also, I wasn't really focusing about the military details. I just figured it'd be nice to include them. You know, give it a sense of realism. What do you think was blown over due to it? Also, of course I wouldn't call it a chopper. They call them Rotors :3

Thanks for posting. Like for YOOOOUUUU

[Agro]

I should point out that one of the most important points about being in first person is that you're getting inside the speaker's head, therefore, you should probably have a bit more to characterization on his end. Like when they're heading out, you could definitely have him talk about his opinions on his partners and the like. It's a great way to not learn about how he thinks, but info about the other characters.

[Makο]

However, to just say that all at once...it could be taken as an info dump, something I've done in the past and am trying to avoid. I mean, over a longer period of time, I could do it, but in this short 1724, I don't really have enough space. Besides, due to this taking place around the mid to right before mid section of the story, he already KNOWS his squad mates. Do you go over your opinion of your friends every day?

[DARKPLANT RISING]

Well, I don't think Aggro's saying, for instance:

[i]"*Insert line*" said Tom as he sat right next to me, dropping his backpack onto the floor with a heavy sigh. Well, Tom is a good friend of mine, but he can be reckless at times. Also, he's not very smart, which sometimes can lead him in wrong directions.[/i]

It should be really short, and be thrown in at a logical timing, if you're going to do that.

But it's much better to simply use description. For instance, let's say the above character "Tom" existed in some story. How's this (this was made in several minutes, so the description is terrible, but):

[i]"I've got it all right," Tom muttered under his breath. "All right...all right...Hey, *Insert main character's name*, this button fires the cannons, ri-WHOA!!" The aircraft blasted itself backwards as though it were a clam escaping from a predator, knocking Tom into his backseat. "...What's that?"

"Wasn't that like, the emergency escape button!?" I screamed through the roaring winds. "I mean, Tom - we learnt this years ago."

"Oh, true, yeah. Haha, my bad. Well, at least today I had the seatbelts on."[/i]

tl;dr, IMO it sounds better to use description.

[Makο]

Noted. But define what type of description you mean.

I mean, are you referring to a description of character traits put into the story, or the descriptions like the clam thing or the "muttered under his breath" parts?


Also, the one thing I decided not to include (because I wanted everyone to talk about the OTHER things) is the one thing that everyone is talking about!

FUUU-

[DARKPLANT RISING]

The clam thing and muttered under his breath parts are irrelevant. What I'm saying is this:

Making a bunch of Gary Stus <<<< Making the main character explain a character in a bad way <<<<<< Making the main character explain a character in a good way << Using detail to explain a character

And really, you should definitely go make good characters. Even a good plot can become rotten without good characters. Seriously.

[Makο]

I understand. Now, are the characters the ONLY thing you're going to talk about? Because as I've mentioned before, I wasn't really focusing on them. :/ I was focusing on EVERYTHING ELSE. I'm not by any means saying that I won't add more details at SOME point, but not right now. I know the importance, but it's not my main focus.

[DARKPLANT RISING]

Well, on the note of story itself, I think this is a pretty good job. I like the idea of the army patrolling this apocalyptic wasteland/ghost town and going to fight supernatural beasts and stuff.

If you write chapter 2, I’ll go look on it. That rarely happens, ya know.

[Makο]

Thanks. Basically, it's this group of pilots who are trying to have their refuge survive the constant attacks made by such creatures. It's not just them, however. There are civilians that also occupy the refuge. And since they have no idea whether other humans are still alive out there since the beasts appearance, this makes their survival vital to the survival of the human race.

And it's based in Russia. [spoiler=Language incoming][media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lazRr-asBfA&feature=player_embedded[/media][/spoiler]

silly Darkplant, I haven't even written chapter 1.

[Agro]

[quote name='Mako109' timestamp='1331315672' post='5863111']
And it's based in Russia. [spoiler=Language incoming][media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lazRr-asBfA&feature=player_embedded[/media][/spoiler]
[/quote]+1 RespectforMako

Ever heard of Ravensoft? Company based in my college town. (also apparently had some hand in MW3 somehow)

EDIT: So does that make this biweekly?

EDITEDIT: I looked at the broteams other vids. They showed MW2 when talking about MW3 and I couldn't tell if they knew Dx

[Makο]

[quote name='Aggro' timestamp='1331530234' post='5867269']
+1 RespectforMako

Ever heard of Ravensoft? Company based in my college town. (also apparently had some hand in MW3 somehow)

[b]Yeah, I've heard of it. I think I played a few games by them.[/b]

EDIT: So does that make this biweekly?

[b]Bro Team? I dunno, I never checked. Thunder? No, Bi-MONTHLY. I'll get started at the beginning of April.[/b]

EDITEDIT: I looked at the broteams other vids. They showed MW2 when talking about MW3 and I couldn't tell if they knew Dx

[b]/that'sthejoke[/b]
[/quote]

[Agro]

[quote name='Mako109' timestamp='1331568942' post='5867601']
[/quote]No, I couldn't tell if that was the joke they were making.

Also, lazy bum. At least even I can update monthly. xD

Also, Ravensoft made Singularity.

[Makο]

At the very end of the video, they make it painfully clear it was a joke.

Also, I'm pretty lazy when it comes to writing, so I need time to make proper progress. If it really kicks into high gear, I may go once a week.

Also, cool, I guess.

[Vairocana]

[spoiler=]I took a deep sigh of the misty morning air, overlooking the dusty red canyon [b](Sounds like the misty mornig air is overlooking the canyon)[/b] that I called my home. I had hardly [s]gotten any sleep[/s][b]slept[/b] last night, and was hoping the mist would rejuvenate me. Unfortunately, it didn’t do much[s], as[/s] [b];[/b] I still felt groggy. It didn’t help that I was sore all over my body [s]either[/s], due to the cramped cockpit I had slept in. Just as I began to stretch, I heard Mar call out from behind.

“It’s time, Lucas. Pack up, and move out. We’ll be waiting on the far side of the barrier.”

He quickly began the descent down the pile of rocks I had parked my One-Seater Comanche on top of. I ran back to it, not wanting to keep Overlord waiting, and turned the keys. The blades began to slowly spin, blowing dust all around me[b](Opportunity to use other senses and more colorful language, such as sound)[/b]. Soon enough, I was air-born, and I hovered down the rocks, navigating my way through tall stone pillars[b](generic-- give us more images)[/b] that we used as a natural defense against the ones that liked to land[b](awkward phrasing)[/b]. Straight ahead through the pillars, I caught a glimpse at the settlement from which we were deploying from[b](Awkward)[/b], still smoldering from the last attack. Above it, I saw the rest of my squadron, and just as I went within view they began to move out, heading in the same direction I was. I checked my fuel gauge, making sure it was still acceptable. It was at 34%, which is good enough for now. My radio crackled to life as I heard the voice of Overlord come through.


“All right, men. I’m running through this one last time before the operation starts. Directly north from your current position is the old city of Moscow. Within the city is the old Russia Tower. If you haven’t heard about it before, you won’t need to. The beasts have taken refuge within the tower, and it’s our job to light it up. Those bastards have hunted us down for too long, and it’s our job to strike back. Thunder 1 and Thunder 2 are going to be keeping an eye on the skies for any approaching bandits, while Thunder 3 and 4 are going to launch their payloads at the base of the tower. God speed, and don’t let them take a bite out of you!”


I checked[b](keep tenses consistent- either write in present tense or past, don't mix them)[/b] my control screen, eyeing the weapons I have armed. Two Hydra 70 Rocket pods, with 19 in each. Nothing by older standards, but a Godsend these days. My radio turned back on as Thunder-1 began standard assault procedures.

“Thunder Squad, sound off! Thunder-1, in command.”

“Thunder-2, eyes sharp.” I could hear Mar turn on his input, with the distinctive sound of his stealth rotor blades.

“Thunder-3, packing heat.” I flipped on the input.

“Thunder-4, ready to raise some hell.”

“All Thunders, watch your flanks. Thunder-2, on me. Stay in formation. Thunders-3 and 4, stay low within the streets and watch your corners. This way, if Thunder-2 and I are taken out, they may miss you.”

“Copy that Thunder-1. We’ll move in on your signal.” As our Rotors got ever closer to the city, just how much destruction had happened over the past few decades really began to sink in. The crumbling and abandoned streets [s]seemed to[/s] have a[s]n almost[/s] ghostly appearance. The thought of the people who used to live her [b]send [/b]chills down my spine. How many of these people had to face the wrath of foes they cannot defeat?

“Thunders-3 and 4, move in now. Keep it tight.”

At that command, I angled my joystick downwards, and felt the g-forces press against me[b](don't just tell- show. What do g-forces pressing against someone feel like?)[/b]. Mar created a private channel on the radio soon after we were rushing through the streets.

“Yah know, my parents said they used to live here, God rest their souls. They said it was the pride and joy of the country. But hell…look at it now.”

The street was lined with rows of deserted cars, with half of them crushed or scorched. Small pieces of rubble from crumbling buildings fell down from their resting places[s],[/s] as the vibrations of our Rotors had un-lodged them. We began to near the tower, and it was a sight to behold. It was a wonder the thing was still standing, with large chunks of the structure missing and scorched pieces littered around and on it[b](but what does it look like?)[/b]. However, its height and view over the city made it a natural choice for the beasts to hold up. And it was evident they were still there due to the flames that still burned along some parts of the structure. Probably used to keep them warm from the natural cold of Russia. The open channel crackled to life, with Thunder-1 speaking.

“Alright. Thunder-3, Thunder-4, raise altitude and lock on. You guys only have one shot at this, as they’ll come running as soon as you fire.”

“Copy that, Thunder-1. Hey, Lucas, try not to miss!”

“I assure you, I won’t. Rockets primed. All right, Mar, in unison. Three…two…ONE!” I jammed my fingers down on the two triggers. There was a slight pause, immediately followed by a loud rumbling, as my Rotor shook violently. Just as I attempted to steady my Rotor, I looked out my window to see one pod of rockets launch its entire payload right at the base of the tower. They collided just as Mar’s did, sending up a cloud of dust and debris from the impact zone. The entire structure began to groan loudly, as it’s metal pieces began to bend and fold in the direction of the impact zone.

“Nice shot, Mar!”

“Yeah, well, I do what I can, ya know? Heh heh…” Mar’s humble attitude couldn’t help but bring up a chuckle in me, knowing he’s not usually like this. I peered back over at the Russia tower and noticed something odd about it. The structure held a perilous lean over to the side where the rockets collided, but it refused to fall further. Quickly, I switched the input back over to the main channel.

“Uh, Thunder-1? The structure doesn’t look like it falling anymore.”

“I noticed it too. It doesn’t make sense. By all logic, the tower shouldn’t be able to keep itself up. All Thunders, keep your eyes peeled. I have a bad feeling about th-“ A large thudding noise startled me as a large cloud of dust erupted from the base of the tower. Soon enough, it was collapsing again, but not in the correct direction. The tower began a quick descent directly down into the earth, quickly[b](repeated use of quick, find a better word.)[/b] being swallowed up by a massive hole that was directly beneath the tower[s]’s original location[/s]. Within, there were the roars [s]of what sounded[/s]thousands of beasts.

“All Thunders, we have just stirred the hornets[b]'[/b] nest that we didn’t know existed. We’re making a beeline for the colder areas of this region! Move it[/b]” I jammed the control stick back as far as I could, just as I caught the first glimpse of what ascended from the hole. I could not describe my shock and awe in that moment with a thousand words.


A massive Dragon, easily the size of an aircraft carrier, began it’s slow ascension, spreading it’s incredibly large wings and letting loose a roar that sent a hail of static through my radio.

“What the hell!? But the first roar sounded like-”

“Thunder-3, shut the hell up. All Thunders, we’re dealing with an unknown variety of beast. It appears to be of European descent, just based on its shape. But it’s the bloody largest I’ve ever seen.”

“Thunder-1, can we even take something that size? Thunders 3 and 4 have already used a full pod of rockets. I don’t think we’d have-“

“Can it, Thunder-2. We’re going to fight it. It’s too large to be able to effectively move around, so enough strafing would be enough to-“ A flurry of smaller cries shook us up, as tens of hundreds of smaller Wyverns flew up of the hole, all making a dash for our location.

“Uh, what do we do NOW, boss?”

As soon as hemuttered it, a beast collided directly into Thunder-2, causing him to spin out suddenly.
“AHH! AHH! Get it off, get it off!”

His desperate cries[s] for help[/s] were drowned out by the sounds of crashing glass and beast roars. Thunder-2 yelped[b](there is definitely a better word for the sound a man makes as he is being torn to shreds)[/b], as the horrendous sound of tearing flesh came in on the radio. As soon as he heard it, Thunder-1 angled his XM301 towards Thunder-2 and let rip a hail of 20mm gunfire, ripping the beast and the Rotor to shreds.

“Thunders, we’re getting out! Use suppressive fire to help cover our retreat!” Thunder-1’s voice was notably more [s]in a panic[/s] [b]panicked [/b]th[b]a[/b]n before, but who can blame him? I began to fire my own XM301 behind me, using the onboard camera to hopefully take one of them out. I managed to catch a glimpse one as of my shots hit the worst possible target. The massive beast flinched as a randomly fired shot nailed him in his eye, causing him to release a roar of pain. It was all too obvious that it was now pissed. With a huge flap of his two massive wings, he ascended into the air with surprising speed. Two more, and he was covered by the layer of clouds hovering over the city.

“Oh crap, oh crap. I don’t wanna die! I want to survive this! I-“

“Mar, quit your whining! The smaller beasts are terrified of our Gatling’s, so just keep firing and we’ll make it out ok!” As if fate [s]was[/s][b]were[/b] against me today, the massive beast dropped down from the cloud layer, nearly smashing all three of us. I felt a huge thud on my Rotor, and suddenly, I began to spin out of control in a downward motion. I checked my tail, only to see that it had been completely cut off. I attempted to stabilize my Rotor, with no luck. I could do nothing but brace for the impending impact. However, I could feel the massive g-forces begin to kill my conscious. The world around me began to fade to black, but before I cut out, I saw the massive beast release a huge ball of flame from the bowls of its stomach. I couldn’t stay awake any longer. My vision was cut, and I passed out.[/spoiler]



[b]The strongest point of writing in first person is being able to get inside the narrator's head, feel his thoughts and emotions. You're missing a huge opportunity with this. The narrator feels completely detatched from the action, despite being in the middle of it. How does he feel? Is he afraid? Is the adreniline pumping through his veins, are his palms sweaty? Does he fear death? The characters in general here feel very weak. Think of Top Gun. Think of how memorable and distinct each of those characters were from each other. We cared when they died. We need that in here. Mar is the only one that has anything close to a personality, and even then, not much. Pump that up, make each Thunder a distinct person, with his own story and motivation, his own fears, his own things to fight for. When the beast attack, I want to feel the chaos of a battle field. This ties into the narrator. Make him more invested in what is happening, make it so he doesn't know exactly what's happening to everyone around him. Make him afraid.[/b]

[Makο]

Points go to the man with the detailed review


...Not literal points. Just the expression. Still, you get a like.

Now, yeah, I could use some more descriptions. But this is why I made this one shot. To help develop my skills.

Anyway, yeah, I have trouble maintaining the tenses. However, I thought that "checked" WAS past tense.

[b]"The characters in general here feel very weak. Think of Top Gun. Think of how memorable and distinct each of those characters were from each other. We cared when they died. We need that in here. Mar is the only one that has anything close to a personality, and even then, not much. Pump that up, make each Thunder a distinct person, with his own story and motivation, his own fears, his own things to fight for."[/b]

I'm only paying slight attention to this whole statement for two reasons.
1. I haven't seen Top Gun. :/
2. I made it pretty damn clear in my previous posts that I wasn't focusing on developing the characters here. I was focused on everything else.

Anyway, thanks for the help. I really appreciate it, and with this, I might be able to start working on the actual story.

[Vairocana]

I didn't actually read the other comments, just shared my thoughts on how to make it a stronger story (I said Top Gun because it's a movie about dudes who fly planes...but really any army movie will show you the same thing).

Checked is past tense, but you start the story out in present ([i]and was [b]hoping[/b] the mist would rejuvinate me[/i])

[rustyowl]

[quote name='Vairocana' timestamp='1332121254' post='5877706']
I didn't actually read the other comments, just shared my thoughts on how to make it a stronger story (I said Top Gun because it's a movie about dudes who fly planes...but really any army movie will show you the same thing).

Checked is past tense, but you start the story out in present ([i]and was [b]hoping[/b] the mist would rejuvinate me[/i])
[/quote]

I may be completely wrong, but (and was hoping...) has WAS, which is past tense. He could have said "hoped" instead of "was hoping", but "was hoping" is correct, as in it is past tense, well past progressive, but it is still past tense.

[Vairocana]

[quote name='rustyowl' timestamp='1332122417' post='5877750']
I may be completely wrong, but (and was hoping...) has WAS, which is past tense. He could have said "hoped" instead of "was hoping", but "was hoping" is correct, as in it is past tense, well past progressive, but it is still past tense.
[/quote]

You're right, that is my mistake.