shelds9 Posted January 27, 2012 Report Share Posted January 27, 2012 [center]Welcome! I am glad you were curious and checked this out! Why not read it and leave a comment? NOTE: If you read it, please comment, even if you are just saying what Chapter you on on, just so I know how many people actually read my material.[/center] [center]Thanks in advance:[/center] [center]• shelds9[/center] [spoiler=Chapter 1: The Trial Begins] [i]"What is this feeling? It feels like a dream, but I somehow feel conscious. What is that I see? It looks like a huge boat. A ferry? Who's this? A duelist? It looks like he's dueling. He looks... worried. Who could he be dueling? Now I see another man dueling. And now a bunch of people in their teens. Now I see an Island coming into view. What could all of this mean? And who are those people? Surely it means something..." "Wait. What was that sound? It sounded like someone whispered something into my ear. Are the images moving faster? I can't tell what they are anymore. What is being said? If only I could hear." "Ow! My eyes! The images are moving too fast for my eyes now. And the sounds! My ears feel like they are about to explode! AHHHHH!!!"[/i] Then, everything went black... [i]"What is that ringing? Did it stop? Thank goodness."[/i] "RRRROOOOAAAARRRR!" [i]"What in the world is that!? That dragon! I think I know that dragon! But from where? C'mon, think." "That is an amazing sight. It almost looks like light is emanating from it. Oh, how it is so majestic! It makes me feel protected and secure."[/i] Suddenly, the view changed... "Drip. Drip. Drip." [i]"Is that - rain? How can it be that I, feel it. This can't be that same dream, that feeling, can it? Maybe, just maybe..."[/i] The boy's eyes opened. It was rainy, dark and cold. Suddenly, the boy began to shiver. [i]"Why had I not felt cold before? Why had I not noticed the rain? What is happening to my senses? What is happening to me!?" "How did I even get here anyways? Try to remember... Think..." Suddenly, it dawned on the boy... "I... I can't re-re-remember my p-p-past!!!" The boy sat up in shock and looked around for someone or something. But nothing was there. Nothing but the moon, the alarmingly bright stars, and... "A Duel Disk?!"[/i] [center]*~*~*[/center] [i]"We'll, I've got nothing to go on, so let's start by finding some food and shelter..."[/i] With that, the boy started to walk. He walked for hours. There was sunlight by the time he reached the first city. [i]"Well, let's start with food, my stomach is beckoning... Ah, a Burger Joint! That should work. Except I have no money..."[/i] He walked in anyways, trying to think of a way to get some free food. When he arrived inside, the place was almost deserted. "Hey," it was the first time I spoke since I can remember, "Is there a way to get some food? I have no money." "Sorry kid," the cashier said to me. "Buy him a burger. On me," said a mysterious voice. It was the only other soul in the place. "Yes sir," replied the cashier awkwardly. The man came up to me. "What is your name boy?" "Yazid Seihoshi." "If I'm not mistaken, that means Holy Star, does it not." I shrugged my shoulders. "Hmmm... You can call me Sheppard." I nodded to show that I understood, then, as it arrived, I said, "Thanks for the burger." "Ah, no problem. But how is it you have no money?" "Well sir, I woke up on a grassy field about 5 hours ago and I can't remember anything!" "Is that so," said the man named Sheppard curiously. "Do you need shelter?" I nodded as I took another huge bite out of my burger. "Well... I think I just might know the place..." [center]*~*~*[/center] "A boat!?" Before me stood a huge boat with the letters DA on the side of it. It was the boat from my vision! But there was no way - it couldn't be! But there it was, and I was going to board it. It was in the afternoon now. Sheppard said that this boat would take me to the place where I could stay. He said that if I proved myself to a certain man, that he would allow me to stay in a magnificent place. I had to trust him. I had nothing to go on. I figured that even if something went wrong, I would be no worse of then I was a few hours ago! We got on board and Sheppard showed me around. There were many people, all dressed in either red, yellow, or blue clothing. All of them seemed to be looking at me. I didn't see them do it, but it felt like every set of eyes was on me while I wasn't looking. And they were whispering too. Finally, we got to my room. He said it would be my room for the next day or two while we traveled across the water. I flopped down onto the bed and I asked, "Who is the man I have to prove myself to, and how do I earn his keep." "How about we talk about it while we walk. I want to show you something." So we walked and talked. "You see, when I saw you in the Burger Place, I felt a certain energy radiating from you. I saw you holding a Duel Disk and, well, I couldn't help myself. You see, I am the Chancellor at a school. A school for dueling." I think my eyes automatically widened because he laughed. "You see, my boy - I am the man you have to prove yourself to. I will accept your entry into the fabled Duel Academy! But, you have to win a Duel against a powerful opponent." We entered a giant room. Many people wearing Duel Disks were standing around a giant field. A Dueling Field to be exact. "Students! I would like you to meet someone. His name is Yazid Seihoshi. He has lost his memory and I want him to attend the Duel Academy." "We all had to [i]earn [/i] our way in!" yelled a student. "Yeah, no fair!" another chimed in. Soon there was a huge commotion. "Do not worry! He will have to earn his way in as well. To be specific, he will have to win his way in. He will be Dueling Caden Tomo. If he wins, he will be attending this semester at Duel Academy!" I heard a kid near me say, "Good luck. Caden's in Obelisk Blue." I presumed it meant he was pretty good. "I'm ready teach!" said a voice from one side of the Duel Arena. My eyes and his locked for a few seconds. It was the guy from my vision!! This was who I saw. And it must have me he was Dueling. And due to the reaction on his face, I can safely presume that I won! I tried to keep my face calm as I said, "Umm, Sheppard." He seemed to acknowledge me. "This is my first Duel since I can remember." He smiled, then looked away. "Don't worry. You'll be perfectly fine..." [center]*~*~*[/center] "So, would this be your first Duel?" Caden asked. He seemed like a nice guy. I responded honestly as we each Draw our cards. "Well," he said, "I kinda like you, so I'll take it easy on your for now. I'll just Normal Summon my 'Freezecore Dragon - Neo Sapphire' in Attack mode. That's all for now." "Just because you are taking it easy, don't think that I will!" Yazid exclaimed for all to hear. [/spoiler] [spoiler=Credit] • Credit to Zextra for the use of his Freezecore Dragons • Credit to Lexadin for reasons not yet mentioned • Credit to D.A. Enderman for reasons not yet mentioned • Credit to Rainbow Dash and DoomBeast for Beta Reading my first Chapter [/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astolfo Posted January 27, 2012 Report Share Posted January 27, 2012 [color=#000066][b]Jumps around too much for my liking.[/b][/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~Tico~ Posted January 27, 2012 Report Share Posted January 27, 2012 Eh, I don't have enough time to do a full review. I'll say this though; so far there's not really much to draw me in and make me want to keep reading. You might want to lengthen your paragraphs a bit too, because it looks like it jumps around a whole lot, which doesn't help my attention span. It's also a DA fic, which have been done over and over. You'll really need something in order to make it appealing, but I don't see any of that at all as it is now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted January 27, 2012 Report Share Posted January 27, 2012 3 comments in 10 minutes... That almost garuntees it's going to be bad news given this site's record doesn't it? First of all; Chapter 1 - That Fateful Day. That doesn't inspire me with great hope to begin with, given how cliche that is. The first section, the whole dream thing, just is such a bombardment of movement that goes into no detail, it's just a list. First this happened, then that happened, then another thing. It's not absorbing. Even though you want to create the sensation of a blur of images, you don't do that like you've done. You do need to go into some details, not much because its moving too fast for the eye to catch any fine detail, but broad impressions of colour or shape or sound or something. Second and third section; kid wakes up with no recollection of himself, but this guy senses 'something special about him', and wants him to attend a Duel Academy (I'm [s]guessing[/s] hoping this is Sheppards great great grandson for a futurisitc DA and this isn't going to be a canon-fic based around Advance and Fusion Summoning). *Looks up* "That's odd. The closer it gets, the more it looks like a huge weight of deja vu." The end, and the boys vision is coming true. He's got to duel a/the top student... *is crushed by deja vu* There's no drive, there's nothing original, nothing exciting, etc, etc. Sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shelds9 Posted January 27, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 27, 2012 [quote name='Corona Ray' timestamp='1327627306' post='5783004'] Eh, I don't have enough time to do a full review. I'll say this though; so far there's not really much to draw me in and make me want to keep reading. You might want to lengthen your paragraphs a bit too, because it looks like it jumps around a whole lot, which doesn't help my attention span. It's also a DA fic, which have been done over and over. You'll really need something in order to make it appealing, but I don't see any of that at all as it is now. [/quote] It is a DA Fic, but a twist once we get into the next Chapter. And I kinda get the "not keeping my attention" thing. Thanks for your time... [quote name='Verz Bahamut' timestamp='1327627967' post='5783042'] 3 comments in 10 minutes... That almost garuntees it's going to be bad news given this site's record doesn't it? First of all; Chapter 1 - That Fateful Day. That doesn't inspire me with great hope to begin with, given how cliche that is. The first section, the whole dream thing, just is such a bombardment of movement that goes into no detail, it's just a list. First this happened, then that happened, then another thing. It's not absorbing. Even though you want to create the sensation of a blur of images, you don't do that like you've done. You do need to go into some details, not much because its moving too fast for the eye to catch any fine detail, but broad impressions of colour or shape or sound or something. Second and third section; kid wakes up with no recollection of himself, but this guy senses 'something special about him', and wants him to attend a Duel Academy (I'm [s]guessing[/s] hoping this is Sheppards great great grandson for a futurisitc DA and this isn't going to be a canon-fic based around Advance and Fusion Summoning). *Looks up* "That's odd. The closer it gets, the more it looks like a huge weight of deja vu." The end, and the boys vision is coming true. He's got to duel a/the top student... *is crushed by deja vu* There's no drive, there's nothing original, nothing exciting, etc, etc. Sorry. [/quote] Don't be sorry, I appreciate it! Thanks for the review! I guess I can't really reassure you, but things pick up in the next Chapter, I can guarantee you that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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