Kyng's Old Account Posted January 21, 2012 Report Share Posted January 21, 2012 [quote name='~~Xiahou Dun~~' timestamp='1327115830' post='5773411'][spoiler=Review] [size=7][font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif]~~Going with Something Different: (The Writer Formerly Known as) [color=#ff0000]Devil's Advocate's[/color] "Heartfelt" Review![/font][/size] [color=#ff0000][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]How many years since I saw last your beautiful face? How many long, excruciating years has it been since I have held your serene touch? How many years has it been since I returned home to such a delightful place to see the same old people over and over again try to come up with some brand new Fan-Fiction idea, and then me shooting it down from the get-go? Actually, I'd like to point out, that it has only been a couple of months since I last did a review, so I take back what I said about those days and years and centuries and eons and whatnot. I'm not even so sure what an eon is at this point (I believe it is 1,000 millenia, though I'm not positive. I'm too lazy to go to Google right now).[/font][/color] [color=#ff0000][font=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Anyways, I am back in familiar territory once again and have decided to stake out another story in hopes of kick-driving my writing attitude once again, and how do I do that? I select the very first story on the Fan-Fiction forum. This story that I have chosen is called Maigo Keishi (Lost Heir), and upon reading the description that it presented to me, the storyline was once part of some RP. Well, since I'm not an RP-er by any standards (although, I still have my moments of that "GOLFING RP!" Syndrome), this may be a bit more difficult to crack down on, seeming as RPers are supposed to be top-notch writers and extremely skilled at setting descriptions and creating characters.[/font][/color] [color=#ff0000][font=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]We shall see how the RP-Turned Fan-Fiction deals now, as we delve into Devil's Advocate's "Heartfelt Review".[/font][/color] [color=#ff0000][font=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Here we go.[/font][/color] [color=#ff0000][font=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]EDIT: I was not made aware of this before, but at the end of the Fan-Fiction, there is an "archive" of all of the characters used during the RP as well as a world map, both of which are unnecessary. We don't need a constant reminder to know where we are, and relying on an external source(s) in order to bolster/strengthen the presence of your Fan-Fiction is not a good idea. The less, the better (however, there are exceptions, like YGO cards (this is to avoid contradictions)).[/font][/color] [color=#ff0000][font=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]_______________________________________________________________________________________________[/font][/color] [color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3]It was a dull, dreary day in a small town called Combine. Combine resided only a mile or so away from the Demon Kingdom boundries. The sky was a dull, light grey as a fine sprinkle of rain, which could almost be passed off as fog, put the small town into a haze as buildings and the residents were in a slight blur, even for the people with the sharpest of eyesight.[/size][/font][/color] [b][size=3][size=4][color=#ff0000]Because the name "Demon Kingdom Boundaries" is the safest place on the entire continent. It has a local ice cream shop and cookie vendor, and every Monday, they sell those little trinkets that babies suck on to make them shut up at half price. But no, there is no threat of impending danger, just some.....rain.[/color][/size][/size][/b] [color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3]It was just another typical fall day for the people of Combine.[/size][/font][/color] [b][color=#ff0000][font=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]And the typical day for these people is having an army of 100,000 Demons rain hell down onto your city, causing massive floods, leading to the foggy rain? Ahh, that makes sense now.[/font][/color][/b] [color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3]Down one of the main streets of the town was a small alchemy shop, where within slept a young demon at the counter. [/size][/font][/color] [b][color=#ff0000][font=arial, helvetica, sans-serif].....which had raided the city last night and tore up all of the women and children. See, I can make another story out of this if I keep trying.[/font][/color][/b] [color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3]The day had been painfully slow with no customers coming in or jobs needing to be done. And with the dull, dreary atmosphere the weather gave off, the young man couldn't help but fall asleep. [/size][/font][/color] [b][color=#ff0000][font=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]The young man? Wasn't he just labeled as a demon, though? Or perhaps, I am not reading between the lines, thus proving my reading and writing skills have gone rusty?[/font][/color][/b] [color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3]As the man slept, his pitch-black hair covered his eyes and most of his face. Within his locks of black hair were bits of pure white. Despite the popular belief, the white wasn't dyed in. It was just something his hair started to do naturally after he turned seven years old.[/size][/font][/color] [b][color=#ff0000][font=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]All I heard from that was "blah, blah, blah". I've said this once before and I will gladly say it again:[/font][/color][/b] [color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3]A few minutes after the man lifted his head to switch the cheek he laid his head on, the bell above the door jingled as the owner walked in with some supplies. The sudden noise of the bell caused the young man to spring up, his light hazel eyes wide open. This cause the owner to let out a hefty laugh as he walked over to the younger male.[/size][/font][/color] [b][color=#ff0000][font=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]More and more unnecessary description. The weight of all this description is suffocating me.[/font][/color][/b] [color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3]Placing a friendly hand on his back, the owner said, "Why don't you go home early today, Alliaster? It's already starting to get dark and no one's been in all day."[/size][/font][/color] [indent=1]Alliaster nodded slightly as he rubbed his left eye, "Thanks.. I'm sure mother would enjoy the help with closing."[/indent] [indent=1][color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3]"Speaking of who.. Give your mother my regards," the shop owner said, patting Alliaster's back before heading to the back room to take care of the supplies. Gathering up his things, Alliaster left for home.[/size][/font][/color][/indent] [color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3][b][color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3][size=4][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][color=#ff0000]What the heck is with this formatting? And why is Google Chrome hating it right now? And also: [/color][/font][/size][/size][/font][/color][/b] [color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3][color=#ff0000][size=8][font=tahoma, geneva, sans-serif]E[/font][/size][/color][color=#ff8c00][size=8]X[/size][/color][size=8][color=#ffff00]P[/color][color=#00ff00]O[/color][color=#00ffff]S[/color][color=#0000ff]I[/color][color=#800080]T[/color][color=#0000ff]I[/color][color=#00ff00]O[/color][color=#ff8c00]N[/color][/size] [color=#ff0000][size=8]RAINBOW!!!!!!!![/size][/color][/size][/font][/color] [b][color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][size=4][color=#ff0000]Care to tell us what's going on?[/color][/size][/font][/size][/font][/color][/b] [color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3]About thirty minutes of walking had passed and Alliaster could finally see a small sign for a convenience store lite up, fending off the darkness that settled over the town now that the sun gave way for the moon, spots of stars escaping through the now-dissipating overcast.[/size][/font][/color] [b][color=#ff0000][font=arial, helvetica, sans-serif][size=4]I would like to re-iterate my previous statement about how RP Writers are supposed to be the best top-notch writers on any sight. Look very closely. Look harder. You'll now see why I am disappointed.[/size][/font][/color][/b] [color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3]Not only was the sign an indication that a store was there, but it also signaled to Alliaster that he was almost home. You see,[/size][/font][/color] [size=4][b][font=arial, helvetica, sans-serif][color=#ff0000]No, I don't see. That's why you, the writer, have to tell us what's going on. Being able to convey the message clearly and concisely in any given situation is what will make you an ostentatious writer. Or, to be able to achieve that ostentation, I could spam "EXPOSITION RAINBOW!" all over this page.[/color][/font][/b][/size] [color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3]the store's second floor was the home where he and his mother lived happily for as long as he could remember. However, happiness, like everything else, can only last for so long. The smile that appeared on Alliaster's face once he spotted the small sign slowly started to disappear as he started to spot patches of broken glass and random items under the glow of the sign. Just as his smile disappeared all together, he took off in a run, quickly closing the distance. As he reached the front of the store, he skidded to a stop, slipping slightly over the shards of glass. Standing there for a moment, his jaw dropped as he examined the scene, his peach skin lossing a tone of tone of color. A faint, slow dripping sound was barely audible from his position. . .[/size][/font][/color] [b][size=4][color=#ff0000][font=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]And the plot thickens....[/font][/color][/size][/b][/size][/font][/color] [center][color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3][color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3]------------- The Day Before -------------[/size][/font][/color][/size][/font][/color][/center] [color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3][img]http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/18100000/What-The-Hell-avril-lavigne-18110627-545-628.jpg[/img] [size=4][b][color=#ff0000]Why the unnecessary time-skip? Couldn't you have just opened the story with the one-day before thing and go from there?[/color] [color=#ff0000](By the way, this is TOTALLY NOT a picture of that insidious Avril Lavigne's song "What the Hell".)[/color][/b][/size] [color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3]About 800 miles away, southeastern from Combine, is the capital city of the Demon Kingdom.[/size][/font][/color] [size=4][b][color=#ff0000][font=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]See, this is why I HATE Time-skips. In the prologue, it was said that the Demon Kingdom was only about a mile away from Combine. MAKE UP YOUR MIND![/font][/color][/b][/size] [color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3]The day as bright and warm, it was slightly muggy, but it was easily dealt with with a light outfit and the small breeze the weather provided.[/size][/font][/color] [size=4][b][color=#ff0000][font=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]The further and further I progress in this Fan-Fiction, the more I realize that RP Writers are just like ordinary humans. Stupid humans, at that. Seriously, what is with the grammar in this sentence? And why is Google Chrome being retardedly complicated right now?[/font][/color][/b][/size] [color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3]The clouds were small balls of fluff that floated by almost as fast as the town was busy. Within the middle of the busy city stood a 50 foot wall that was a combination of steel and stone. On top, a few scattered sentries could be found, lazily gazing into the city. Mean while, all the gates that lead into the inner part of the wall were wide open, with only a few guards watching over the little traffic that went through them. The only gate that wasn't busy was the main gate, the gate that lead to the main doors of the castle. The castle's surface was worn smooth by the hand of time, many of its once-intricate features worn down to faint shadows, visible only to those who sought to spot them. The creatures and angels that are a part of the castle's wall are still visible, but are not as fierce as they once were and faces washed away only to be restored by the imagination. This continued upward for about four stories, seven if you counted the towers that were at the corners. The main doors, however, seemed to be the only thing either untouched by time, or constantly restored. The main doors were stained a deep, deep red. There was a special rumor that floated around the city if one were to ask about them. The doors were said that their color originated and was restored at least once a year by the blood of those foolish enough to challenge the current king of the Demon Kingdom, Keiz. No one knew if the rumor was true, but they didn't disbelieve it either, after all, Keiz was a tyrant.[/size][/font][/color] [size=4][b][color=#ff0000][font=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]GAHHH....EGHGHHGHE........HELP ME!!! I'M SUFFOCATING OVER HERE!!!!![/font][/color][/b][/size] [color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3]About 21 years ago, the Old King, the ruler for almost six hundred years, died suddenly by a fever that started off small but flared up quickly that added to it a cough that rarely stopped, a difficult time eating and digesting and all other sorts of symptoms. The doctors did what they could to try and cure the Old King, but nothing worked out in end. When the Old King died, he had no children of his own and his wife, the Queen, died almost 150 years before him. With no heir to be found, the Kingdom was quickly put under a power void and anarchy was soon upon the capital if nothing was done about it. It was then, when the Old King's right-hand man, Keiz, stepped up to the plate and took hold of the reins. At first, everyone was grateful that he became king, avoiding the chaos that would have befallen them all and thought that if the Old King saw him fit to be his right hand man, he, too, was as good as a man as the Old King. Unfortunately, as time had pass, Keiz tightened his grip on the reins and became a forceful ruler, both up front and behind the curtains.[/size][/font][/color] [size=4][b][color=#ff0000][font=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]If I die.....tell my wife.............the Exposition Rainbow.........**long drawn-out breath** I LOVE HER!! Tell her....to spam this page.....if necessary....[/font][/color][/b][/size] [color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3]It was beyond these frightful doors that laid the thorn room, which Keiz resided at that moment. He sat boredly upon the throne, his legs hunging over one of the arm rests as his back stretched acrossed the other. The room was large, empty and rather dimly lit. Besides the throne, the red carpet that connected the throne to the door and the flag of the Kindgom hanging behind the throne, there was nothing else within the room. The reason for this was because Keiz allowed and even welcomed people to come to him and challenge him to a fight for rule over the kingdom. To him, where better the fighting spot then within the throne room itself? As for the lighting, despite the many windows being open, the room was poorly lit, as if something was either sucking up the light or blocked much of it from entering. Even with the lack of light, Keiz was stood out slightly in the dim lighting, due to his unusual coloring. His skin was a pale peachish-purple color and his hair was almost white, if it wasn't for the slight tint of pink it had. As Keiz let out a sigh of boredom, hoping someone would come to fight him or at least something interesting would happen, a messenger of his stepped out of the shadows from behind the throne and began to whisper in his ear. As the messenger related his report, a malicious smile appeared on Keiz's face. Dismissing the messenger, Keiz then let out a certain whistle, "Luna, c'mere if you would." His malicious smile grew wider as a younge female stepped out of the shadows, walking towards him, her pale blue eyes cutting through the darkness. Normally, he would have called for two others, Vun Doom and Sinn Alldin, but they were either out on research or on a journey, respectively.[/size][/font][/color][/size][/font][/color] [indent=1] [color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3][color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3]"Yes, Lord Keiz," she inquired as she stopped a few feet in front of him. She was a skinny, but lean woman. Her hair was a dull black, which looked as black as night compared to her peachish-white skin, that was held in two ponytails. One ponytail reached just beyond her hip and the other nearly touched the floor.[/size][/font][/color][/size][/font][/color][/indent] [color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3][color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3][color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3]"I have a job for you, my dear Luna," Keiz stated as he sat up correctly on the throne, leaning forward with eagerness. . .[/size][/font][/color] [color=#ff0000][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3][size=8][font=tahoma, geneva, sans-serif]E[/font][/size][/size][/font][/color][color=#ff8c00][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3][size=8]X[/size][/size][/font][/color][color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=8][color=#ffff00]P[/color][color=#00ff00]O[/color][color=#00ffff]S[/color][color=#0000ff]I[/color][color=#800080]T[/color][color=#0000ff]I[/color][color=#00ff00]O[/color][color=#ff8c00]N[/color][/size][/font][/color][color=#ff0000][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3][size=8]RAINBOW!!!!!!!![/size][/size][/font][/color][color=#ff0000][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3][size=8][font=tahoma, geneva, sans-serif]E[/font][/size][/size][/font][/color][color=#ff8c00][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3][size=8]X[/size][/size][/font][/color][color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=8][color=#ffff00]P[/color][color=#00ff00]O[/color][color=#00ffff]S[/color][color=#0000ff]I[/color][color=#800080]T[/color][color=#0000ff]I[/color][color=#00ff00]O[/color][color=#ff8c00]N[/color][/size][/font][/color][color=#ff0000][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3][size=8]RAINBOW!!!!!!!![/size][/size][/font][/color][color=#ff0000][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3][size=8][font=tahoma, geneva, sans-serif]E[/font][/size][/size][/font][/color][color=#ff8c00][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3][size=8]X[/size][/size][/font][/color][color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=8][color=#ffff00]P[/color][color=#00ff00]O[/color][color=#00ffff]S[/color][color=#0000ff]I[/color][color=#800080]T[/color][color=#0000ff]I[/color][color=#00ff00]O[/color][color=#ff8c00]N[/color][/size][/font][/color][color=#ff0000][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3][size=8]RAINBOW!!!!!!!![/size][/size][/font][/color][color=#ff0000][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3][size=8][font=tahoma, geneva, sans-serif]E[/font][/size][/size][/font][/color][color=#ff8c00][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3][size=8]X[/size][/size][/font][/color][color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=8][color=#ffff00]P[/color][color=#00ff00]O[/color][color=#00ffff]S[/color][color=#0000ff]I[/color][color=#800080]T[/color][color=#0000ff]I[/color][color=#00ff00]O[/color][color=#ff8c00]N[/color][/size][/font][/color][color=#ff0000][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3][size=8]RAINBOW!!!!!!!![/size][/size][/font][/color][color=#ff0000][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3][size=8][font=tahoma, geneva, sans-serif]E[/font][/size][/size][/font][/color][color=#ff8c00][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3][size=8]X[/size][/size][/font][/color][color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=8][color=#ffff00]P[/color][color=#00ff00]O[/color][color=#00ffff]S[/color][color=#0000ff]I[/color][color=#800080]T[/color][color=#0000ff]I[/color][color=#00ff00]O[/color][color=#ff8c00]N[/color][/size][/font][/color][color=#ff0000][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3][size=8]RAINBOW!!!!!!!![/size][/size][/font][/color][color=#ff0000][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3][size=8][font=tahoma, geneva, sans-serif]E[/font][/size][/size][/font][/color][color=#ff8c00][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3][size=8]X[/size][/size][/font][/color][color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=8][color=#ffff00]P[/color][color=#00ff00]O[/color][color=#00ffff]S[/color][color=#0000ff]I[/color][color=#800080]T[/color][color=#0000ff]I[/color][color=#00ff00]O[/color][color=#ff8c00]N[/color][/size][/font][/color][color=#ff0000][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3][size=8]RAINBOW!!!!!!!![/size][/size][/font][/color] [b][size=4][color=#ff0000][font=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Well, aside from the near-death experience for a minute there, I found this RP-Turned Fan-Fiction to be a complete description-sleaze-fest. There was very little plot development, and the time skip definitely prevented the story from going forward in the right direction. It just goes to show that even the best and most capable of RP Writers simply cannot afford the luxury of a simple word processor. It pains me to think that, however, from the current status of this Fan-Fiction, that is the only logical (albeit I remind you that my logic is far superior to yours) conclusion.[/font][/color][/size][/b][/size][/font][/color][/size][/font][/color] [b][size=4][color=#ff0000][font=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]However, all hope is not lost for this shred of Internet Paper! If you have additional chapters that you need Beta-Reading, PM Me or any of the other dedicated Creative Writing groupies (which include me, Verz Bahamut, Rinne, ~Star~, and Wraith). I'm pretty sure we can find some time to look over your Internet Paper and check to see if it is worthy of being posted.[/font][/color][/size][/b] [b][size=4][color=#ff0000][font=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Until next time, this has been Devil's Advocate, and I am signing off.[/font][/color][/size][/b] [/spoiler][/quote] [b]The things wrong with this review: 1 -[/b] It's the first chapter, and consequentially a review at this point would be anything but necessary or efficient; [b]2 -[/b] It has a Generalisation issue which must be addressed to: You cannot say that a Roleplayer's writing ability is better than anyone else because you are ignoring individual differences, which makes your statement [color=#ff0000]"seeming as RPers are supposed to be top-notch writers and extremely skilled at setting descriptions and creating characters" [/color]both unecessary and, well, an inaccurate stereotype which I do recommend you abolish before you make another "review". [b]3 -[/b] The following quotation is both derrogative and insulting to writers, as it is both a rather uninsightful and bluntly stupid mistake to make. A character's description must be, if anything, very insightful, and I am in fact a little unsure if Mistress Aisu had done enough. You have many novelists, such as Dickens, Golding, Patterson, etc, who's description on characters allow us to do further reading into the character in order to identify elements such as metaphorical symbolism. Not only this, if you had read into it (which as of now I am beginning to believe you haven't) you would find that the "locks of white hair" are a unqiue trait, especially due to "not being dyed". [quote]Unless one character had a green afro and the other had purple dreadlocks, character description is just going to be another unnecessary detail.[/quote] [b]4 -[/b] I cannot call this a good review, in fact I'm even finding it difficult not to [b]simply label as slander[/b], because you have one clear flaw in your method: [b]unnecessary unproffesionalism[/b]. It can be funny if used in moderation, but it's clear to me you have no idea what moderation is. Allow me to help you: According to the Oxford Dictionary, Moderation is "[i]the avoidance of excess or extremes, especially in one’s behaviour or political opinions[/i]". Your EXPOSITION RAINBOW element has really let me down. I cannot say it caught my eye with the "pretty colours" but I can say I don't think this is, if anything, a decent review in mind. [b]5 -[/b] A more topic based one here: [b]Item 1:[/b] "[color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3]It was a dull, dreary day in a small town called Combine. Combine resided only a mile or so away from the Demon Kingdom boundries.[/size][/font][/color]" [b]Item 2:[/b] "[color=#5a5a5a][font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif][size=3]About 800 miles away, southeastern from Combine, is the capital city of the Demon Kingdom."[/size][/font][/color] You claim the author has yet to decide between the distance? You have clearly misread, or overlooked rather, the term boundries, which for the record should be spelt as boundaries Mistress Aisu, just letting you know. Devil's Advocate, if I may call you that of course, what does the term boundaries mean to you? In layman's terms, a boundary is a border. Also, for the record, a kingdom is a country or state ruled by a King; after realizing these two crucial words, and Capital if you wish, you would be able to tell that Combine is located 1 mile from the Demon Kingdom's border and 800 miles from the Demon Kingdom's Capital. You should be grateful Mistress Aisu used a more literary word than border, but then again if reviewers such as yourself can't review properly without it being dumbed down...no, actually, if you can't, you clearly should NOT be reviewing it in the first place. So, in further reading one would see the following after reading the two extracts: [i]"Hmm, so Combine is 1 mile from the Boundary of the Demon Kingdom, but another odd 800 miles from Combine is the Capital of the Demon Kingdom."[/i] [b]6 -[/b] Unnecessary timeskip? I'm afraid not. This is why you should not review things based on the first chapter; you cannot understand anything unless you've had some sort of insight on it during an earlier stage. You cannot call anything unnecessary until you have read through the entirety of the fan fiction, and as previously stated it is just the first chapter. Well, to put it simply, I have to applaud the bravery you have to have yet to read this thing in the depth necessary for an accurate reading. You clearly don't understand the term Constructive Criticism as it is obvious that throughout this entire review you have done nothing besides antagonize Mistress Aisu for her first attempt on this Roleplay turned Fan Fiction. If I may say so, Mistress Aisu, I would avoid this particular review until he, or she, has made the obvious relevant changes he needs to make in order to accurately review...well, anything. Despite this, he does raise some arguments that are perhaps necessary to be raised, such as grammer and structure, but as I have said, this review is both pointlessly early and ridiculously derrogative. Now remember to actually read this response at least twice before you argue back, and let's direct this over Private Messaging in order for this Roleplay turned Fan Fiction to florish.[hr]On topic: I'd like to ask Aisu, because the roleplay didn't pan out as much as we'd like it to, what will you do about content? We barely did much in the roleplay so can I assume you'll be adding elements to it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted January 22, 2012 Report Share Posted January 22, 2012 [quote name='~~Xiahou Dun~~' timestamp='1327115830' post='5773411'][font=Verdana][Long story short. Some guy who's name I can't think of (to lazy to even scroll up and check) posted something here. Basically it sounded like he was going, "Blah, blah, blah. I'm cool because I post colorful letters and force people to scroll down like crazy.][/font] [/quote] About the only thing you posted that was of ANY importance was the short complaint about grammar and structure. The structure is because google chrome hates her. As for grammar, nobody is perfect. I've seen grammar nazis type sentences that make me cringe. End of story. Now let's crack open a book about the rest of your post. ....well, I don't have much to say. I had to scroll through most of it because of all those damn rainbows you posted. Yeah, real professional. The parts that I was able to read were mostly filled with idiotic comments and you "attempting" to tell your own story. Do you REALLY lack the attention span to follow an author's story? You failed to say ONE thing that can be even considered constructive criticism. My twelve year old sister is capable of giving an ACTUAL review. You sir are not. As for you comment on description, well, I only have one thing to say. Don't read Moby Dick. You would literally kill yourself. ...on second thought, what's your mailing address? I'll mail you a copy. Aisu, dear, please excuse this..."reviewer". It's plainly obvious that he is neglected and uses these reviews to feel superior. The only use he currently has is to give the rest of us something to do while we wait for the next installment. Speaking of the next installment, please continue with writing it. The rest of us with ACTUAL opinions eagerly wait for it. ^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kyng's Old Account Posted January 22, 2012 Report Share Posted January 22, 2012 [quote name='Dwarven King' timestamp='1327209646' post='5775326'] About the only thing you posted that was of ANY importance was the short complaint about grammar and structure. The structure is because google chrome hates her. As for grammar, nobody is perfect. I've seen grammar nazis type sentences that make me cringe. End of story. Now let's crack open a book about the rest of your post. ....well, I don't have much to say. I had to scroll through most of it because of all those damn rainbows you posted. Yeah, real professional. The parts that I was able to read were mostly filled with idiotic comments and you "attempting" to tell your own story. Do you REALLY lack the attention span to follow an author's story? You failed to say ONE thing that can be even considered constructive criticism. My twelve year old sister is capable of giving an ACTUAL review. You sir are not. As for you comment on description, well, I only have one thing to say. Don't read Moby Dick. You would literally kill yourself. ...on second thought, what's your mailing address? I'll mail you a copy. Aisu, dear, please excuse this..."reviewer". It's plainly obvious that he is neglected and uses these reviews to feel superior. The only use he currently has is to give the rest of us something to do while we wait for the next installment. Speaking of the next installment, please continue with writing it. The rest of us with ACTUAL opinions eagerly wait for it. ^^ [/quote]Copy-cat ¬_¬ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted January 22, 2012 Report Share Posted January 22, 2012 [quote name='::Kyng::' timestamp='1327239651' post='5775538'] Copy-cat ¬_¬ [/quote] Yeah...I skipped over your post and replied to his. Then went back and read yours. Great minds think a like, right? Except I call people names. :< Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elƒie Posted January 22, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 22, 2012 Alright you two.. Play nice. Lol. Btw, Chapter 2 is now up. :3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kyng's Old Account Posted January 23, 2012 Report Share Posted January 23, 2012 Urgh, the suspence is killing me! Why can't they just meet and [s]make-out on his mother's body[/s] break the tension between them! D..X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elƒie Posted January 23, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2012 Wait, wut?! O_o Who are we talking about here? And I swear.. You're such a creeper sometimes Kyng! Lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kyng's Old Account Posted January 23, 2012 Report Share Posted January 23, 2012 Who: Alliaster & Luna Just curious, was the poll up just recently? If not, why the hell [s]am I[/s] is there only one vote? Esto no me gusta! !>.<! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elƒie Posted January 23, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2012 -Smacked Kyng's head- Spoiler! Shush! There are people who read this that have not been in the rp! Grr! Anywho.. I just put the poll up, give it time. Lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted January 24, 2012 Report Share Posted January 24, 2012 *jumps around in excitement* I HAVE A QUESTION!!!! CAN I PM IT TO YOU?!?!? FORGET IT!!! I'M PM'ING!!!! D:< Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Moonflowyr Posted January 25, 2012 Report Share Posted January 25, 2012 Awesome. Keep em comin. But uhh......can you please poast longer chapters! It's torture reading those eversoshort chapters in an eversoawesomerpturnedfanfic! Shaddup Xiahou. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elƒie Posted January 25, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2012 Well.. I gotta leave them at strategic cliffhanger points. :3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Moonflowyr Posted January 25, 2012 Report Share Posted January 25, 2012 *sighs* I guess....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elƒie Posted January 25, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2012 Besides.. In order to reach the weekly deadline, they gotta be short cause I procrastinate a lot. xD Well, not so much that.. I just spend 6/7 days thinking on how to write the next chapter. :3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lunar Origins Posted January 25, 2012 Report Share Posted January 25, 2012 The roleplay didn't... 'end', so now I'm curious. Also... drunken Luna in next chapter? xD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elƒie Posted January 25, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2012 Yep. Also in the next chapter: Ferod, Darius, and a few others. So now, some people can get off my back about their characters poping in. Lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Moonflowyr Posted January 25, 2012 Report Share Posted January 25, 2012 oh yes. I forgot to ask when Sinn is going to make his first appearance! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elƒie Posted January 25, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2012 -Facedesk- Soon.. Just like everyone else. They will be appearing soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted January 25, 2012 Report Share Posted January 25, 2012 Well, then. Seems like we have (had? have had?) a catfight in which both sides are wrong to some degree. Tempers are getting heated, so let me nip this in the bud. First, in response to Kyng specifically because I see a lot of holes in your rant: [quote][i]1 - It's the first chapter, and consequentially a review at this point would be anything but necessary or efficient;[/i] [b]When else is he to review a story? Knowing the average longevity of a fic in this section, looking at the first chapter is the only logical thing to do.[/b] 3 - The following quotation is both derrogative and insulting to writers, as it is both a rather uninsightful and bluntly stupid mistake to make. A character's description must be, if anything, very insightful, and I am in fact a little unsure if Mistress Aisu had done enough. You have many novelists, such as Dickens, Golding, Patterson, etc, who's description on characters allow us to do further reading into the character in order to identify elements such as metaphorical symbolism. Not only this, if you had read into it (which as of now I am beginning to believe you haven't) you would find that the "locks of white hair" are a unqiue trait, especially due to "not being dyed". [b]You forget that Dickens was paid by word count, so it was in his interest to be florid. Description is good, but when it starts getting in the way of the plot's flow, you have a problem. Expediency should trump meandering whenever applicable.[/b] 4 - I cannot call this a good review, in fact I'm even finding it difficult not to simply label as slander, because you have one clear flaw in your method: unnecessary unproffesionalism. It can be funny if used in moderation, but it's clear to me you have no idea what moderation is. Allow me to help you: According to the Oxford Dictionary, Moderation is "the avoidance of excess or extremes, especially in one’s behaviour or political opinions". Your EXPOSITION RAINBOW element has really let me down. I cannot say it caught my eye with the "pretty colours" but I can say I don't think this is, if anything, a decent review in mind. [b]According to Oxford, slander is "a false and malicious spoken statement." Xiahou may be false, but he's more blithely ignorant with his statements than he is trying to cut down Aisu. Please review your own arguments before flinging around dictionaries.[/b] 5 - A more topic based one here: Item 1: "It was a dull, dreary day in a small town called Combine. Combine resided only a mile or so away from the Demon Kingdom boundries." Item 2: "About 800 miles away, southeastern from Combine, is the capital city of the Demon Kingdom." You claim the author has yet to decide between the distance? You have clearly misread, or overlooked rather, the term boundries, which for the record should be spelt as boundaries Mistress Aisu, just letting you know. yadda yadda yadda [b]Not keeping a consistent canon within your story is a major indicator of laziness. If you can't check the facts that you've established a few paragraphs back, that's a problem. Regardless of "boundaries," the phrasing is at minimum rather confusingly worded, so it should be rewritten to remove any vagueness as to location.[/b] 6 - Unnecessary timeskip? I'm afraid not. This is why you should not review things based on the first chapter; you cannot understand anything unless you've had some sort of insight on it during an earlier stage. You cannot call anything unnecessary until you have read through the entirety of the fan fiction, and as previously stated it is just the first chapter. [b]Stop begging the question. "The timeskip isn't unnecessary because it is necessary." Not good logic.[/b][/quote] Now, in a more general statement, you have to remember that the Jack Witt Clause applies to both parties. Xiahou, you are by no means allowed to post reviews that spend less time addressing problems [i]and how to fix them[/i] than they do choking the forum widths with obnoxiously long strings of rainbow text and hyperactive punctuation. Aisu and cohorts, you are not allowed to turn this section into Clubs and Organizations 2.0 by spinning conversations off the road, and you're certainly not allowed to jump down a reviewer's throat by insulting them. This is your guys' final warning. If I see any more rambling discussion or anything along these lines in this thread again, locks and bans will be passed out like Halloween candy in Hershey, Pennsylvania. Rinne, out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elƒie Posted January 25, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2012 Alright.. To help avoid a lock.. Unless you're going to do something along the lines of what Bahamut did (a small mini-review that helped to point the good AND the bad), please PM me instead of posting it in here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted January 26, 2012 Report Share Posted January 26, 2012 *Returns to thread for first time since I last posted in it and finds he's been referenced twice* Yeah, er, please don't PM me stuff to read and edit. In previous experience I don't think I've really helped others that much. But glad Mistress Aisu liked my previous review *blushes*. So I finally read Chapter 2 (meant to before but my life gets busier every day at the minute) and here's my thoughts. The opening bit was mostly good, although descriptions like listening 'quietly' and running 'quickly' are kinda irksome and unneccessary. Description is not unneccessary at all, just sometimes redudant, like it is in those examples. Most people run quickly. It's nitpicking, but its stuff like that that does frustrate a bit. Anyway, his mother is indeed dead. Except she's just managed to hang on long enough to die in his arms, after giving him important advice and motherly words of love. Well, it's kind of obligatory really isn't it, and nothing inspires the quest more than your dead mother [indent=1][quote] He was about to get up and call the family doctor, who lived about a block away [b]mind you[/b], when his mother grabbed hold of his left forearm and squeezed it.[/quote][/indent] [indent=1]You're still doing that thing addressing the reader. Stop it I beg you. Directly addressing the audience has a time and a place, but offhand remarks at random intervals are just... ugh.[/indent] [indent=1] [quote]“My child.. Nothing will ever.. be the same again… I fear Keiz has learned of who you are..” She paused for a moment, gathering her strength, “You are more then a mere alchemist.. You are a lost heir to a throne that’s been yours to inherit before you were born.. Not even the Old King knew of you.. He couldn’t have.” She paused once more, to gather up strength again and to let Alliaster wrap his mind about what he had heard. “Oh my! What a mess! Alliaster, where are you?!” A familiar female voiced yelled from down stairs. Snapping his head up, he yelled back, “We‘re upstairs Dr. Mandou! Hurry!”[/quote][/indent] Erm, reaction? Okay the doctor came in and interrupted but still discovering that you are the rightful king of the land (for reasons that aren't explained) such provoke... some kind of response. Mindblow, I'd have thought. Even if just a shocked 'who? how?' or just... something. [quote]------------- Meanwhile, outside ------------- In the dark of the night, next to the building, there was a pair of eyes glowing a faint, dull red. As the eyes and the rest of the figure stepped out into a street light, the eyes changed into an alluring green color as the figure revealed itself to be a very lean woman with a tranquilizer rifle strapped to her back, her long blonde hair almost hiding it from view. Look up and back at the second level of the building, she murmured, “What a waste of blood.. I have a bone to pick with this Keiz person..” Looking forward once more, the female walked back into the darkness.[/quote] Erm, wasn't '...In the dark of the night, next to the building...' enough to tell us we were outside now? Anyway, I like this scene. Someone beat the king's assassin to it? There are multtiple forces at work and out to get Alister? Someone trying to protect Alister and got there too late? Questions that spring to mind amongst others. Little scene did the power of good. As for Keiz's scene, I initially found it a little weird that Lunar (forgive me if I've got names mixed up, I think its Lunar) took a day to get to Combine and about an hour to get back, but that can be explained by preperation and stuff. Still it wasn't as if Alister was that well hidden if she'd taken the time to look or wait. In fact she probably saw him come back and could have... oh I don't know. There are things I don't know yet which I'm sure have a reasonable explanation, whether being in the RP would have me privy to them or not. Keiz is getting an undead army? Awesome, gotta love undead armies. I don't get a lot of what's going on, but that's good. My proof reader for 24 keeps telling me I'm giving too much away too early and have to tone down and be more mysterious (can hear people sighing at that news ) but you've gotten the balance about right. The description of characters is good given their fantasy appearance, as it is for action usually although as pointed out sometimes a bit daft, for lack of better word. I'm a sucker for these fantasy stories of poor background character and friends on quest against mighty forces of EEEEV-ILLLL, which is why I will continue reading this light but enjoyable adventure. There are mistakes and stuff, but no-one here should expect anything less. I'm sure I'll have more glaring flaws pointed out by people on mine than I can point out on this. It's a fairly good job so far. Ps: I vote in favour of chapter titles. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elƒie Posted January 26, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 26, 2012 Teehee. Another great mini-review Bahamut. I really do appreciate it because it points out the good and the bad and because it's enjoyable to read. I'm glad to see you've decided to keep up with the fanfic. I hope I don't disappoint you or anyone else with future releases. :3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Moonflowyr Posted January 26, 2012 Report Share Posted January 26, 2012 You helped me a ton Bahamut. You are quite good at helping. Give yourself SOME credit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted January 26, 2012 Report Share Posted January 26, 2012 [quote name='Mistress Aisu' timestamp='1327546829' post='5781428'] Teehee. Another great mini-review Bahamut. I really do appreciate it because it points out the good and the bad and because it's enjoyable to read. I'm glad to see you've decided to keep up with the fanfic. I hope I don't disappoint you or anyone else with future releases. :3 [/quote] [quote name='Dworkin' timestamp='1327546960' post='5781433'] You helped me a ton Bahamut. You are quite good at helping. Give yourself SOME credit. [/quote] *Blushes more* I'm glad you think so Rupert, but I don't think I did help with Arcane Mysteries as much as I'd liked. Maybe it's just me. And Mistress Aisu glad you find my reviews helpful. Anyway commenting more on the story (so I keep Rinne happy. Hi Rinne ) I'm yet to really see much difference between demons and human's. This is me being the non-RP guy here but Alister hasn't done anything yet to indicate he's not human, although that might be an age/inexperience/hidden talents yet to be unleashed... thing. Is this an all demon world or a half demon half human world? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The White Wolf Posted January 26, 2012 Report Share Posted January 26, 2012 This is not gonna be much of a review comment like most first comments, mostly cause I suck at 'em :3 Although I will say I quite enjoyed the chapters Aisu ^^ But the first chapter is more of a prologue, as Verz said before Might I ask when Akarui makes his debut? :3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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