Lunar Origins Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 RedSpirit Hunter!! This is pretty much one of my side projects. It focuses around a bunch of kids who fight monsters and stuff. RedSpirit Hunter!! Chapter 1, Part 1 - Odds and Beginnings 1 [size=1][1173 Words][/size] [size=1][size=4][spoiler=Chapter 1 Part 1][/size][/size] “Oh, Akio, Akio, Akio... Look at what you’ve done…” A tall, attractive boy murmured to himself. Akio, as that was his name, sat in a particularly large chair, big enough for two people had he not been sprawled out upon it. The chair was located in the front of a large, imposing classroom. An impossible amount of newspapers concerning monster sightings littered the walls and floor of the room, and numerous candles provided dim lighting, giving the room an ominous feeling. The boy, as gaunt as he was tall, ran fingers through his hair. Many thoughts were running through Akio’s head at this time- thoughts that mostly pertained to how he would address his soon-to-be arriving allies. How would they react to the information he would tell them? He answered his own question with a chuckle. [i]They’ll be fine with it, I’m sure, [/i]he thought to himself, still stroking his hand through his hair. A few minutes passed, with Akio barely moving from his comfortable position in the chair. Eventually a ring, high in pitch and impossibly loud, rang throughout the room. “Looks like it’s time for me to meet my new friends…” Akio thought aloud as a grin crossed his face. -- No more than four different students shuffled into the empty, darkened classroom. They all gave Akio the oddest of looks; each seeming like they wanted to question his sanity based only on his posture in the chair. As the last of them took a seat, who was a small nerdy boy, Akio let out a large yawn. After an impossibly long and awkward silence, he decided to break it by correcting his position on the throne and also placing his hands upon the desk in front of him. He could have passed for a teacher had he not been so young. “Welcome to the Red Soul Brigade,” Akio began, putting as much emphasis upon the name as he could. “I’m assuming that you all know why you’re here, right?” He inquired. Each of the four members answered with a nod; of course they knew why they were here! “Good. That makes things a hell of a lot easier on me,” Akio continued. “Before I go on, though, we’ve got to know each other’s names.” Akio jammed his own thumb in his direction, pointing to himself, and then closed his eyes. “I’m Akio, the leader of the Red Soul Brigade. I’m one hell of a captain, if I do say so myself! When people utter the name of our brigade, they know who its badass head is!” A smirk crossed his face. He opened his eyes to see the four looking at him with blank stares. He couldn’t help but to laugh. “Anyways… I’d like to get to know you guys. You!” He pointed in the direction of an attractive girl with impressive dark red hair. “Hot girl. Tell me your name!” The girl stood up and strolled over to his desk, making it clear through body language that someone was about to get hit. As she arrived at the front of the classroom she slammed her hands on Akio’s desk. “Excuse me?” She finally said. Her eyes beheld a blistering fury; Akio could look into him and see that he had done something [i]very[/i] wrong. But, still, he persisted. “I asked what your name was, babe.” His smile widened, but only just barely. He barely had time to react as her hand whipped the side of his face with a harsh smack. He flew out of his chair, dazed. This girl certainly wasn’t a pushover- he could clearly see that much! Nevertheless, he smiled and assumed his former position at his desk. “My name is Akane,” She began. “And I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t refer to me in such a demeaning manner.” Akane turned around and sat back down; though this time she placed herself slightly further from the front desk, as if to distance herself from Akio. Another member chuckled, but one quick look from Akane shut him up. Akio then focused on the only other female in the room; a small, delicate looking girl. “And yours?” He inquired, this time taking caution. Another slap like that and he could very much be knocked flat unconscious. The small girl shuffled ever so slightly in her desk, as if embarrassed. “My name is…” She stopped for a moment, as if to contemplate the question. “My name is Yuriah, Mr. Akio…” Yuriah breathed a sigh of relief as she finished off her sentence and rubbed the back of her neck, as if embarrassed. “Though, if you want… you can call me Yuri…” She focused even more on rubbing the nape of her neck. She seemed extremely uncomfortable. “Alright, Yuri!” He directed his attention towards another tall boy; this one was ogling Akane from behind. [i]Now that’s not something we can have here…[/i] Akio thought, amused at his own thought. “Perv!” He shouted, pointing at the boy. The perv’s snapped straight up, as if he was shocked by some electrical thingamajig. “What’s your name, perv?” asked Akio yet again, thoroughly enjoying himself. The pervert’s head drooped slightly as he got another look from Akane. He wasn’t very used to being caught. “The name is Ren.” Ren was, for all it was worth, quite attractive for a boy his age. Short brown hair, expensive looking clothes, a perfect face- he had it all. Even a rose to top it all off, too! “Alright, we’ll just call you Perv for now, since you’re just so entranced with Miss Akane here.” Akio uttered a small chuckle, then rested his eyes upon the last of the soon-to-be-Brigade-members…and what a sorry sight this chap looked to be. He was almost smaller in stature than Yuri was- he must’ve stood at a solid 5’3, or even less than that. His hair was a mess, his glasses askew, but something emanated from him that demanded respect from those around him. It’s too bad Akio really never took notice of that aura, however. “Hey, kid. What are you doing here?” The ‘kid’ laughed. “Kid? I’ll have you know that I’m-“ “Never mind that,” Akio interrupted. “Name, please.” “My name is Hibiki Mat-“ “That’s good enough; we don’t need to know your last name here.” Hibiki shot him an odd look. “Alright, Akio. So, this is a monster fancl-“ Akio burst into a fit of laughter, nearly falling off his chair. “Fanclub?” Even more laughter. “Kid, this ain’t no fanclub. This is the real deal.” Hibiki was taken aback. “What do you mean by “the real deal”, Akio?” Akane stood up as well. “Yes, Akio, enlighten us.” She gestured towards the newspapers on the walls of the classroom. “I can’t see this as anything else than your average monster fanclub. What are you on about?” Akio smiled. “You see, here at the Red Soul Brigade we don’t... worship monsters, or whatever you think.” A grandiose grin crossed his face, which unsettled the others. Yuri shifted in her seat yet again. “We kill ‘em.”[size=1][size=4][/spoiler][/size][/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agro Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 Alright, lemme post a few points I wrote while reading: -calling him attractive isn't all that helpful into learning what he looks like. How is he attractive? -you call him tall several times. We got it the first time, there's no need to be repetitive. though in this case, you may do best to say it the second time only. -"Akio, as that was his name," <- There's no need for the part after his name. He was calling himself Akio, isn't that enough to figure it out? -again, calling the girl attractive isn't necessary, the fact he calls her hot is good enough. -"Akio could look into HER and see that he had done something very wrong." -He doesn't need to call her 'bebe' there, does he? It was kinda funny the first time because you feel that he doesn't understand what he said completely, but this time he just sounds like a complete a******. -And again with calling a guy attractive… So the story is kinda short and how Akio treats all of them can be funny, but sometimes it's over the top. If I were you, Lun, I'd post a link to this thread in Roxas's Phantom Divinations. Or ask Crab Helmet or whatever. They'll do a better job of reviewing than I did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lunar Origins Posted January 5, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 [quote name='Wraith' timestamp='1325782942' post='5749604'] Alright, lemme post a few points I wrote while reading: -calling him attractive isn't all that helpful into learning what he looks like. How is he attractive? -you call him tall several times. We got it the first time, there's no need to be repetitive. though in this case, you may do best to say it the second time only. -"Akio, as that was his name," <- There's no need for the part after his name. He was calling himself Akio, isn't that enough to figure it out? -again, calling the girl attractive isn't necessary, the fact he calls her hot is good enough. -"Akio could look into HER and see that he had done something very wrong." -He doesn't need to call her 'bebe' there, does he? It was kinda funny the first time because you feel that he doesn't understand what he said completely, but this time he just sounds like a complete a******. -And again with calling a guy attractive… So the story is kinda short and how Akio treats all of them can be funny, but sometimes it's over the top. If I were you, Lun, I'd post a link to this thread in Roxas's Phantom Divinations. Or ask Crab Helmet or whatever. They'll do a better job of reviewing than I did. [/quote] It's supposed to be over-the-top, that's kind of what I'm aiming for. That, and Akio is supposed to be an ignorant fool. With the attractive thing: Yeah, you're right. I really need to work on my ability for description >_< ...Part two will be up later today. I was too tired to finish the chapter last night... It will be much longer, hahaha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agro Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 [quote name='Her Scarlet Knight' timestamp='1325799334' post='5749953'] It's supposed to be over-the-top, that's kind of what I'm aiming for. That, and Akio is supposed to be an ignorant fool. With the attractive thing: Yeah, you're right. I really need to work on my ability for description >_< ...Part two will be up later today. I was too tired to finish the chapter last night... It will be much longer, hahaha. [/quote]Ignorant is what I thought you were going for, but calling her bebe is intentional and with intent only to demean. I think leaving it at him calling her the hot girl would be enough, right? Also, you didn't specifically tell me you were back. I'm now angry with you. :I Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lunar Origins Posted January 5, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 [quote name='Wraith' timestamp='1325802208' post='5750027'] Ignorant is what I thought you were going for, but calling her bebe is intentional and with intent only to demean. I think leaving it at him calling her the hot girl would be enough, right? Also, you didn't specifically tell me you were back. I'm now angry with you. :I [/quote] Oh, he's just the type to go the extra mile. You'll see that for sure in P2. It didn't seem that important, really. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agro Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 [quote name='Her Scarlet Knight' timestamp='1325804285' post='5750065'] Oh, he's just the type to go the extra mile. You'll see that for sure in P2. It didn't seem that important, really. [/quote]So he's not ignorant, he's just an ass?And that's character development, it's extremely important. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lunar Origins Posted January 5, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 He is what he is.[quote name='Wraith' timestamp='1325807311' post='5750111'] And that's character development, it's extremely important. [/quote] I was referring to letting you know of my return. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agro Posted January 6, 2012 Report Share Posted January 6, 2012 Of course it's important! You slmost made me depressed. Anyway get on Skype or msn sometime will ya? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lunar Origins Posted January 6, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 6, 2012 I've been on, it's you who hasn't. Idiot. I might need you to proofread or something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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