Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted November 29, 2011 Report Share Posted November 29, 2011 Story deleted before I get banned. Please lock. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Dante v. Nero Posted November 29, 2011 Report Share Posted November 29, 2011 Praise be to the man that shall no longer be called Matt, but instead be called God. LOL, In all seriousness, though, this was an incredible story to read. I felt the opening had set up very nicely for the intense climax that was about to follow. That spike in action is what gives us the adrenaline to get through the day. We have an emotionless police officer at the end. That's just cruel. At least he should have felt a little bit sorry. Remember, this is a realistic fiction type of scenario; not everyone is emotionless and bottled up. Aside from that, however, most of the characters seemed to fit rather well in the story, and everyone had at least a little bit of "screen time". We need to see more stories like this around these parts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted November 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 29, 2011 Praise be to the man that shall no longer be called Matt, but instead be called God. LOL, In all seriousness, though, this was an incredible story to read. I felt the opening had set up very nicely for the intense climax that was about to follow. That spike in action is what gives us the adrenaline to get through the day. We have an emotionless police officer at the end. That's just cruel. At least he should have felt a little bit sorry. Remember, this is a realistic fiction type of scenario; not everyone is emotionless and bottled up. Aside from that, however, most of the characters seemed to fit rather well in the story, and everyone had at least a little bit of "screen time". We need to see more stories like this around these parts. Yay, a comment. Thanks, glad it went okay for some. I lived in Nottingham for a year so its all relatively realisitic (not sure if there is a cafe on that exact corner, memory fails). Just fancied a change up and some practice. Changed the ending a little bit, didn't mean to make him that heartless, just battle-hardened by his life as cop for lack of better words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agro Posted November 29, 2011 Report Share Posted November 29, 2011 Matt is this just a one-shot? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted November 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 29, 2011 Matt is this just a one-shot? Yes it is. Just a random one off to write something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agro Posted November 29, 2011 Report Share Posted November 29, 2011 Yes it is. Just a random one off to write something.Why don't you ask Kyubey to sticky this? When I first came to the thread I actually wasn't sure if you were posting a story. I thought you were just making a thread where anyone can post a quick one-shot or short story about anything. Obviously not nearly what you were thinking, but the name of the story and really, the thread, just gave that feel to me. Maybe it's just my thoughts connecting coffee shops to writers xD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted November 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 29, 2011 Why don't you ask Kyubey to sticky this? When I first came to the thread I actually wasn't sure if you were posting a story. I thought you were just making a thread where anyone can post a quick one-shot or short story about anything. Obviously not nearly what you were thinking, but the name of the story and really, the thread, just gave that feel to me. Maybe it's just my thoughts connecting coffee shops to writers xD A communal thread for short stories...? That Passion is a fantastic idea. You reading this Kyubey (will PM him anyway)? And thread will be changed accordingly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Cursed Reaction Posted November 29, 2011 Report Share Posted November 29, 2011 Why don't you ask Kyubey to sticky this? When I first came to the thread I actually wasn't sure if you were posting a story. I thought you were just making a thread where anyone can post a quick one-shot or short story about anything. Obviously not nearly what you were thinking, but the name of the story and really, the thread, just gave that feel to me. Maybe it's just my thoughts connecting coffee shops to writers xD 'Dat topic hijack. But very good one. To be honest, this is vaguely realistic. Police officers are supposed to be professional, so I have no problem with 'emotionlessness'. Very well written, although further time could have been spent generally fleshing out the trainee's character so empathy is felt at the end of the story. Spiking into action is a good decision, but I still think that the sudden guy bursting in was still too unexpected. The mood had no time to change sufficiently so that the robbery entrance was still natural. Otherwise, very good attempt at this sort of style. Timing was, on the whole, very good (apart from the former points, but that was really minor). Atmosphere was great. Surprisingly humorous, because of the random typical 'old person' stereotypes in there. And pretty sure Nottingham isn't full of crime like that. I have relatives there with no problems XD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agro Posted November 29, 2011 Report Share Posted November 29, 2011 I think you should wait for an answer before you change it. Just so it doesn't get locked and I can't comment on the story. You know, just in case. ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kitty Posted November 29, 2011 Report Share Posted November 29, 2011 Wow this is depressing. It's good, really. I just love tragedies. T.T Bravo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted November 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 29, 2011 'Dat topic hijack. But very good one. To be honest, this is vaguely realistic. Police officers are supposed to be professional, so I have no problem with 'emotionlessness'. Very well written, although further time could have been spent generally fleshing out the trainee's character so empathy is felt at the end of the story. Spiking into action is a good decision, but I still think that the sudden guy bursting in was still too unexpected. The mood had no time to change sufficiently so that the robbery entrance was still natural. Otherwise, very good attempt at this sort of style. Timing was, on the whole, very good (apart from the former points, but that was really minor). Atmosphere was great. Surprisingly humorous, because of the random typical 'old person' stereotypes in there. And pretty sure Nottingham isn't full of crime like that. I have relatives there with no problems XD I deliberately (although perhaps overly) wanted to avoid focus on the trainee as I wanted that bit at the end where no-one really knew anything about him. There's a really good Doctor Who episode called 'Midnight' (David Tennant one) where a attendant person sacrifices herself to save the Doctor et all, and he asks at the end if anyone knew what her name was. That horrible moment where no-one did... :o Old woman was meant to be the 'one you quite like to see killed but wasn't'. There always seems to be one. She's meant to be vile! ;) I've lived in Nottingham and had friends in St Ann's. I was round his house one evening and got up to leave when he asked 'how you getting home?' 'Walking.' 'No you are getting the bus. A stranger walking around here at this time you WILL be shot.' I think you should wait for an answer before you change it. Just so it doesn't get locked and I can't comment on the story. You know, just in case. ^_^ Eh, too late. Done, so get posting and this thread growing! Wow this is depressing. It's good, really. I just love tragedies. T.T Bravo. Thanks Kitty :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted November 30, 2011 Report Share Posted November 30, 2011 I'll sticky this when/if it gets more activity, but keep it up Bahamut~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ~ Epic Hero - Saber ~ Posted November 30, 2011 Report Share Posted November 30, 2011 Well-written, as expected. I like the realism in this one. I think it'd have been better if the robbers had been caught in the end, but still a nice one-shot. If I come up with some decent idea, I will probably post it here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ~Renegade~ Posted November 30, 2011 Report Share Posted November 30, 2011 I like the change of seeing a short story. It was quite well written and I enjoyed the story through out the whole thing. I liked how you jumped into action, but maybe it was still just a bit too soon. I know you said you wanted a 'no-name' to be the victim, but I still think you should've given us a few more details on him. I love the humorous atmosphere the old lady brings. The realism of this is good, don't know a thing about Nottingham so can't say too much on the amount of crime there but the way you described the robbery is just how I would imagine one to go on. Great job, and great idea for a thread. Hope that this gets stickied. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted November 30, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 30, 2011 Well-written, as expected. I like the realism in this one. I think it'd have been better if the robbers had been caught in the end, but still a nice one-shot. If I come up with some decent idea, I will probably post it here. Thank you sir. Please do. Great job, and great idea for a thread. Hope that this gets stickied. Thanks. It will be if people post and add their shorts. GOGOGOGO! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twig Posted December 1, 2011 Report Share Posted December 1, 2011 Guys, I have an idea for this place to get it going. Let's do that thing where someone starts a story and different people do different chapters. It would be nice and fun writing practice. =D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted December 1, 2011 Author Report Share Posted December 1, 2011 Guys, I have an idea for this place to get it going. Let's do that thing where someone starts a story and different people do different chapters. It would be nice and fun writing practice. =D That's a good idea, but I'd rather not in this thread. My short doesn't exactly lend itself to a follow-up. It's your idea, you set it up and go for it I'd certainly have a go. :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ~Renegade~ Posted December 1, 2011 Report Share Posted December 1, 2011 Guys, I have an idea for this place to get it going. Let's do that thing where someone starts a story and different people do different chapters. It would be nice and fun writing practice. =D Nice idea, but it sounds quite a bit like an RP. I mean I know it isn't...but still. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twig Posted December 2, 2011 Report Share Posted December 2, 2011 ^Well for one, there's no rules. You actually control all the characters and stuff and it's a whole chapter instead of four lines. It's more of a collaboration. That's a good idea, but I'd rather not in this thread. My short doesn't exactly lend itself to a follow-up. It's your idea, you set it up and go for it I'd certainly have a go. :D Doesn't have to be your short, but I guess I can make my own thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted December 5, 2011 Author Report Share Posted December 5, 2011 *Looks around empty coffee shop and starts sweeping floor* Anyone want to contribute a short story of their own? Anyone... Anything...? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twig Posted December 7, 2011 Report Share Posted December 7, 2011 I never have the time anymore...I'll seriously try to make one though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest PikaPerson01 Posted December 7, 2011 Report Share Posted December 7, 2011 *Looks around empty coffee shop and starts sweeping floor* Anyone want to contribute a short story of their own? Anyone... Anything...?Eh... with all due respect, if I ever got not-lazy enough to write a short story, I'd probably post it in my own thread where I could accurately see how many were reading it, where fans of the story could discuss it without 10 or so other people discussing other things, and where I could gain acclaim on my own, instead of either piggybacking off your work (if my work is worse) or boosting the view count for your own work (if my work is better). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted December 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted December 13, 2011 Disregard comment about new short. Please lock before I flip back to posting a short extract that is going to get me banned. This place is my life right now, sad as that sounds, I can't get banned. :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted December 13, 2011 Report Share Posted December 13, 2011 You're not going to get banned for this, but whatevs. LOCKED. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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