Yu-Gi-Oh! Cosmic Path [PG-13]

[Blake]

[center]So, this story features many people around YCM as the characters, though it does not explicitly state who they are. The names will contain hints of who they are, with things that are commonly known. Each arc will be in a different post. As such, I will not specifically label where each arc begins and ends. Other than that, it's a Yugioh fic, so... enjoy!

Also, it's a restart of an old fic I had... But only the basic plot remains, characters and all have changed, as has the overall story.

[b]I own nothing.[/b]

[spoiler=Chapter 1: Blustery Day]
[i][u]October 29, 2011[/u]

“ Limiter removal, level max! Regulator open, all clear! Infinite power, break time and space to open unknown world! Go! Delta Accel! Come on, Tech Genus Halberd Cannon!” The television roared with the explosive summon, leaving two little boys staring.

“C’mon Bruno!” The older boy cheered at the screen. In the middle of the duel, the television turned off.

“Enough of that for now. Isaac, Marco, go play outside.”

“But mom” Isaac whined, “It’s almost over. Can we finish it, pleeeease?”

“No, now go get ready. You two have Daniel’s birthday party to go to. Now head upstairs.”

Defeated, the two boys headed up to their room.

“I’m gonna be a pro one day!” Isaac exclaimed to his little brother. “Just like Bruno!”[/i]

-------

[u]Friday, November 9, 2018 – Present Day[/u]

[url="http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd257/Omium/Anime%20boys/AnimeRedheadTrenchcoatGuy.jpg"]Isaac[/url] snapped out of his daydream, and looked back at the blackboard, as the teacher tapped away. He blinked a few times, then stifled a yawn. He gazed at the clock for a few moments, until the bell finally rang. Isaac let out a sigh of relief, and hurried to his locker.

“Hey, Isaac”, a blue-haired girl said with a smile, as she stepped up the senior, her hands twiddling behind her back. “How was your day?”

“Oh, hey [url="http://i52.tinypic.com/fjojs3.jpg"]Amelia[/url]. Well, it was school. How about yours?” He placed a book in his locker and turned to face her. “And do you have any plans for tonight?” He asked the junior.

“Um, I didn’t really have anything planned.” Amelia stuttered, averting her eyes slightly. “Wh-why do you ask?”

“Well, Daniel and I were gonna hang out tonight, around 6, and I was curious if you wanted to tag along. I can tell Daniel to bring Sarah along too, if you’d like.”

Amelia’s shoulders drooped slightly. “Oh, sure…sounds fun,” she said, stuttering a bit, a small smile on her face. “Well, I’ll see you tonight, I gotta go.”

Amelia headed off towards her locker, her smile turning into a slight frown as she turned away. Isaac finished up at his locker, and headed home himself.

-------

“[url="http://img3.lln.crunchyroll.com/i/spire2/08042008/6/3/7/d/637da32fc2d190_full.jpg"]Daniiiiiel[/url]!” His sister called “Hurry up! Isaac should be here in five minutes and you’re still lollygagging!”

Daniel sighed. “Look, Sarah, I’ll be down in a second!” He called down. “Geeze, I’m not running [i]that[/i] late…”

“Yes, you are, pedo.” A green haired girl giggled from behind. “I mean, like she said, you have 5 minutes, and you don’t even have a shirt on.”

“[url="http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111031084758/yugioh/images/thumb/0/07/Winda%2CPriestessofGusto-DT05-EN-DNPR-DT.jpg/300px-Winda%2CPriestessofGusto-DT05-EN-DNPR-DT.jpg"]Winda[/url], shut up, I don’t have time for this.” He groaned, as a [url="http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111031083524/yugioh/images/thumb/e/e8/GustoGulldo-DT05-EN-DNPR-DT.jpg/300px-GustoGulldo-DT05-EN-DNPR-DT.jpg"]green bird[/url] sat on his head with a tweet. “Same to you, Gulldo.”

The floating girl pulled the bird into her arms. “You know, I still don’t get why we’re the ones you like most, pedo.” Winda chimed, “I mean, you’d think a normal guy would want, say, Caam, and not a young girl like me.” The duel spirit winked at Daniel, making him shake his head. “Well, I’ll find out later, but a little birdie told me your guests are here.”

“Dammit, really?!” Daniel shot downstairs, as the priestess giggled. “He never learns, does he, Gulldo?” The bird tweeted again, nuzzling against his caretaker.

-------

“Isaac!” [url="http://i39.tinypic.com/kdtoxf.jpg"]Sarah[/url] squealed and hugged the older boy. “Glad you could make it! And you too, Amy! Come on over here, the duel’s gonna start soon”

Amelia sighed. [i]”She’s so excitable… It’s kinda hard to compete.”[/i]. She sat next to Isaac. “So, um, Sarah…” Amelia glanced around. “Where’s Daniel?”

“He’s taking forever getting ready for some reason… And I think he’s talking to himself again.” Sarah shrugged, and turned the TV on. “He’ll be down soon enough, so don’t worry about it!” She fidgeted with the remote and changed the channel to a channel with.

“I’m here!” Daniel yelled as he descended the stairs. “Sorry! Was caught up!” He plopped down next to his sister, and sighed. Sarah raised an eyebrow, but looked back to the screen.

Amelia opened her mouth to speak, but the television interrupted her. “And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for!” The announcer roared “Governor [url="http://images.cosplay.com/i/members/200/181972.jpg"]Seth Libidi[/url] will now duel Governor [url="http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSRYbqS7cpxJDvcmVVjEXajkE0GIG0Tud1YyILJFw_Nb77tyJ0t"]Luke Solaris[/url]! The two men agreed to duel this Friday as a special event for the fans! And now, let’s begin!” The announcer threw his arm wide, and the two men began their duel.

-------

“[url="http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20070417144206/yugioh/images/thumb/c/c0/HorustheBlackFlameDragonLV8DR3-EN-UR-UE.jpg/300px-HorustheBlackFlameDragonLV8DR3-EN-UR-UE.jpg"]Horus[/url], attack Luke directly!” Seth proclaimed, causing the monster to fire black flames at the other duelist, reducing his life to zero.

“There you have it, folks! General Libidi has won the match with an attack from his key card!”

“Damn, why’d our governor have to lose?” Isaac grumbled, watching the screen.

“At least it was a good match, Isaac.” Amelia smiled softly, and Isaac shrugged.

“I guess, but I feel like it was a bit anticlimactic that last duel...”

“Well, then, why don’t we duel? No reason not to, is there?” Daniel raised his eyebrow to Isaac. “That is, unless you know I’ll kick your ass again.” He sneered

“You? Win? Really? Fine, you’re on.”

-------

“You ready?” Daniel taunted after placing a D-gazer over his left eye, to which Isaac just bowed. “… What are you doing?”

“Ladies first!” The green haired boy glared, and drew his hand.

“Alright, then, if you insist on me going firs- oh dammit.” He scowled at Winda in his hand. [i]”Stupid loli. I’ll just set her and move on.”[/i] Daniel set 1 card in addition to Winda, and ended.

“Alright, then, I’ll go. First off, I’ll discard my Fabled Soulkius to special summon [url="http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110422062049/yugioh/images/thumb/a/a9/TheFabledChawaHA04-EN-SR-1E.jpg/300px-TheFabledChawaHA04-EN-SR-1E.jpg"]the Fabled Chawa[/url]!” The little chihuaha ran out of Isaac’s hand, onto the field, yipping and pulling its keeper along with it.

“Next, I summon [url="http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110422062110/yugioh/images/thumb/f/f7/TheFabledKokkatorHA04-EN-SR-1E.jpg/300px-TheFabledKokkatorHA04-EN-SR-1E.jpg"]the Fabled Kokkator[/url]!” A small, big-headed, purple fiend shot out of his hand, followed by a green, reptilian chicken, which quickly stamped the fiend, and held it down with its claw.

“Alright, now Kokkator attacks your set monster!” On command, the beast shot forward and bit Winda as she flipped over.

“Dammit, pedo!” She screeched as she shattered, and the bird on her shoulder flew off.

“Now, Winda’s effect activates! Since she was destroyed, I can special summon 1 Gusto tuner from my deck!” As he spoke, the bird from her shoulder landed, and armor appeared on it. “I special Summon Gusto Gulldo in defense position!”

“Kokkator also activates. I can discard 1 Fabled, and draw 1, so I discard the Fabled Kushano. Then, I tune my monsters together!” Chawa yipped, and became a single green ring, while Kokkator turned into 4 bright stars with a squawk. The stars lined up inside of the glowing circle, and light filled the ring.

“Synchro Summon! [url="http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110113234415/yugioh/images/thumb/d/d6/AllyofJusticeCatastorHA01-EN-ScR-LE.jpg/300px-AllyofJusticeCatastorHA01-EN-ScR-LE.jpg"]Ally of Justice Catastor[/url]!” The machine descended from the light, twitching erratically, . “Then, I set 1 card and end.”

“Alright, my go!” Daniel drew his card, and grinned. “I summon [url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Musto%2C_Priest_of_Gusto"]Musto, Priest of Gusto[/url]!” The green monster appeared and pointed his staff at Catastor, muttering a prayer.

“I active Musto! By returning the Winda in my grave to my deck, I can negate Catastor’s effect until the end phase!” A gust of wind shot from the staff, and wrapped itself around Catastor, making it glow green and whirr. As the mecha seemed to calm, Musto returned to prayer.

“Now, I tune Gulldos and Musto together!” Musto’s prayer made him turn into 4 bright stars, and Gulldo turned into 3 green rings with a shriek. Musto’s stars filled the rings, exploding into light. “Synchro Summon! [url="http://images.wikia.com/yugioh/images/f/fa/DaigustoEgulsDT05-EN-DUPR-DT.jpg"]Daigusto Eguls [/url]!”

The gigantic bird shrieked loud, releasing a gale when it spread its wings. Its rider stood atop as if nothing, as the bird made a windstorm with its wings. “Then, I activate [url="http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111031090536/yugioh/images/thumb/b/b9/ContactwithGusto-DT05-EN-DRPR-DT.jpg/300px-ContactwithGusto-DT05-EN-DRPR-DT.jpg"]Contact with Gusto[/url]! By returning the two monsters I just used to summon Eguls, I destroy your set card!”

A bolt shot out of the storm from eguls, striking Isaac’s set card, shattering it. “Dammit, my Mirror Force!” Isaac snapped, leaving Daniel to chuckle. On the side lines, Amelia frowned slightly. Isaac looked at the calm green mecha as it stared down the eagle.

“Now, Eguls, destroy the Ally of Justice!” With the rider raising his staff, the eagle flapped its wings, and caused a tornado to shoot across the ground, ripping it up until it swallowed the mech, ripping it to shreds, and reducing Isaac’s life to 3600. “And with that, I end.”

Isaac drew. “I activate my [url="http://images.wikia.com/yugioh/images/1/14/FabledKushanoHA02-EN-SR-1E.jpg"]Fabled Kushano[/url]! I discard [url="http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111031025121/yugioh/images/thumb/b/b4/TheFabledCerburrelHA04-EN-ScR-1E.png/300px-TheFabledCerburrelHA04-EN-ScR-1E.png"]the Fabled Cerburrel[/url], to return Kushano to my hand!” The fiend flew out of the grave, and met Cerburrel as it fell down, pushing itself off the dog, only for its fiend to pull up, and make the red beast land on the field with a high-pitched bark.

“You see, when Cerburrel is discarded, it special summons itself!” The cerberus barked proudly, as its fiend grinned. “Now, that he’s out…” Isaac began, black mist around him as he deposited 2 cards into the grave from his hand. “I send both of my Kushanos in hand to the graveyard, and I special summon [url="http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20101211003008/yugioh/images/thumb/f/f5/FabledSoulkiusHA03-EN-ScR-1E.jpg/300px-FabledSoulkiusHA03-EN-ScR-1E.jpg"]Fabled Soulkius[/url]!”

Large, bat-like wings fanned out behind Isaac, then a pair of upside-down, black angel wings. The mist clouded the area grew deeper, and the monster stood up behind Isaac, a head taller. Its eyes glowed red, before a swing of its 4 wings dispelled the mist, and revealed its full form. It flicked its tail, and moved next to Cerburrel, which growled at Soulkius.

“Now, I’m tuning Cerburrel to Soulkius!” Soulkiusspread his wings, turning into 6 lights, as Cerburrel became 2 rings. The process began again, and light filled the rings, a deep chuckle coming from within. “Fallen wings spread through the night, bent on reclaiming their glory! Lead the legions into battle! Find your own way to redemption, [url="http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20100725084417/yugioh/images/thumb/8/87/FabledValkyrusHA02-EN-ScR-1E.jpg/300px-FabledValkyrusHA02-EN-ScR-1E.jpg"]Fabled Valkyrus[/url]!”

The fiend descended, making metallic sounds with its armor. It let out another low chuckle, as a small, red fiend sat on his shoulder, chuckling along with his boss. Valkyrus threw his large arm back, making a card in Isaac’s hand glow, and then go to the graveyard. “I activate Valkyrus by discarding my Fabled Miztoji! I now get to draw 1!”

Isaac drew, and smirked. Black angel wings spread behind his back, and fell apart. “I send my [url="http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110128172951/yugioh/images/thumb/9/90/FabledGrimroHA02-EN-ScR-1E.jpg/300px-FabledGrimroHA02-EN-ScR-1E.jpg"]Fabled Grimro[/url] to the grave to add the Fabled Catsith from my deck to my hand! Then, I activate one Kushano in my grave, to discard [url="http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110422062024/yugioh/images/thumb/e/ed/TheFabledCatsithHA04-EN-SR-1E.jpg/300px-TheFabledCatsithHA04-EN-SR-1E.jpg"]the Fabled Catsith[/url]!” The cat meowed, tail attached to the grave, as it walked up to Eguls. Its tail was yanked on by the fiend in the grave, and it yelped, leaping up, and scratching at the bird, until the bird fell over dead, as Catsith was swallowed by the grave.

“When Catsith is discarded, it destroys 1 face-up card on the field, so It took Eguls with it! Now, Valkyrus, attack him directly! Fallen Legion!” Valkyrus pulled his arm back, and threw it forward, accompanied by a multitude of the red fiend, hitting Daniel with the swarm. His life hit 1100 as the fiends all became one small red fiend again, on Valkyrus’ shoulder. “And now I end.”

Daniel kept a smile on his face as he drew. “Nice show, but how about this? I activate [url="http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20100723104614/yugioh/images/thumb/8/87/OneforOneRGBT-EN-R-1E.jpg/300px-OneforOneRGBT-EN-R-1E.jpg"]One for one[/url]! I send my Kamui, Hope of Gusto to the Graveyard, and special summon [url="http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/yugioh/images/thumb/0/05/GustoEgul-DT05-EN-DNPR-DT.jpg/300px-GustoEgul-DT05-EN-DNPR-DT.jpg"]Gusto Egul[/url] from my deck!”

The small eagle shrieked as it landed, resembling its fallen greater self. “Next, I normal summon [url="http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111031082254/yugioh/images/thumb/8/8c/Caam%2CSerenityofGusto-DT05-EN-DSPR-DT.jpg/300px-Caam%2CSerenityofGusto-DT05-EN-DSPR-DT.jpg"]Caam, Serenity of Gusto[/url]!” The woman landed gracefully landed next to Egul, a contented smile on her face. Her staff glowed, and the fallen bodies of Kamui and Eguls appeared in front of her, becoming pure green wind.

“I activate Caam’s effect, and return these two monster to the deck.” The wind whipped around the staff, before she swung her staff towards Daniel. When the wind hit him, his deck shuffled. “And then I draw 1! Now, I tune Egul to Caam!” The rings and lights appeared once more, and the light filled them once they lined up. Daniel sighed, and began.

“Gales bend and Thunder bows! They come together as one to serve under you, mighty creature of the sky! Tamer and Beast are as one! Arise, [url="http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111022225336/yugioh/images/thumb/5/5a/DaigustoGulldosDT05-EN-DSPR-DT.jpg/300px-DaigustoGulldosDT05-EN-DSPR-DT.jpg"]Daigusto Gulldos[/url]!” The fowl shot through the air, lightning striking behind it, Winda riding the giant Gulldo.

“Great job, pedo!” She said with a wink and a giggle. Daniel rolled his eyes and waited for the duo to finish their show. Winda raised her staff, and two bolts came from the grave, absorbed into the staff.

“Now, I activate Gulldos’ effect! By returning Caam and Egul to the deck, and…” The bolt shot into the sky, wind whipping around. Black clouds covered above, and Daniel gave his command. “And I get to destroy one face-up monster on the field!” The green bolt shot down from heavens, dwarfing Valkyrus as it obliterated him. “And then Gulldos attacks directly! “ A smaller bolt shocked Isaac, and his life rolled down to 1400. “I set one card and end.”

Isaac drew and pulled Kushano out of his grave. “Now, I activate the other Kushano that was in my grave! I discard [url="http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20100729181602/yugioh/images/thumb/f/fa/FabledLurrieHA02-EN-SR-1E.jpg/300px-FabledLurrieHA02-EN-SR-1E.jpg"]Fabled Lurrie[/url] to add it to my hand, then Lurrie special summons itself!” The fiend popped up from the grave, chuckling, pointing at Daniel, with wings around it like a bat.

“Then I summon Fabled Kushano from my hand!” The androgynous fiend appeared on the field, and brushed off its shoulder. “And now, I’m tuning my Kushano and Lurrie!” Lurrie through his wings wide, becoming a single star as he did, while Kushano opened its book, causing it to become three rings as it read. “Gallop through the heavens you were cast out of and destroy those who oppose you! Bend them to your will, cripple their powers! Appear in the afterglow of grace, [url="http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110526112040/yugioh/images/thumb/4/45/TheFabledUnicoreHA04-EN-ScR-1E.png/300px-TheFabledUnicoreHA04-EN-ScR-1E.png"]the Fabled Unicore[/url]!”

The white horse galloped onto the field, it’s white fiend riding leisurely on its back, relaxed, as it charged, stopping beside Isaac, towering over him. Before Isaac could move, Daniel responded. “I activate [url="http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110422062850/yugioh/images/thumb/8/88/BottomlessTrapHoleSDDL-EN-C-1E.jpg/300px-BottomlessTrapHoleSDDL-EN-C-1E.jpg"]Bottomless Trap H-[/url]” Before he finished, Unicore’s horn glowed, and the trap was disintegrated. “What the hell was that?!”

“Unicore negates all card effects you control, as long as I have the same number of cards in my hand as you.” Isaac raised the one card in his hand, and Daniel looked at his own, muttering under his breath. “Now, Unicore, destroy Gulldos!” The unicorn charged, stabbing the bird in the chest, destroying it, and then Winda. Daniel’s life rolled down to 1000, and Isaac ended.

“Alright, here’s my comeba- Dammit!” Daniel spat. “I was hoping to use this differently, but… Here we go! [url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Shock_Wave"]Shock Wave[/url] activate!” The trap raised up, and shot a red lightning at Unicore, ripping it apart with waves from inside, that hit both players. Their life points hit 0 at the same time, and the scene faded.

“… Wow.” Amelia let out her breath. “That was unexpected.”

“Good game, Isaac” Daniel said with a smile, met with a slight scowl

“Good game I guess… Seems even more anticlimactic than the duel earlier, though. The rest of it was fun though.”

“You did great, Isaac!” Sarah chirped and moved close. “I mean, you almost beat him! He just had that lame-o trap set!” She smiled wide as the senior shrugged.

“Shut up, Sarah.” Daniel groaned, only to be met by his duel spirit.

“I kinda agree with her, here.” The spirit teased, Gulldo chirping on her shoulder. When Daniel snapped at her, the other three stared at him.

“… Who are you talking to?” Sarah cocked her head.

“… Oh, look at the time, Isaac and Amelia need to go!” He pushed them out the front door and waved. “Had fun tonight, let’s do it again, and all that jazz!” He slammed the door, leaving the duo in the cold.

“Need a ride, Amy?”
-------

Amelia laid on her bed and sighed. She pulled out a featureless book from under her bed and grabbed a pen from her desk. She opened the book, and began to write.

Another day, another entry… She began, writing about the day. The best part though was all the time with… Well, you know, I’ve written it enough times… I wonder if… Nah, there’s no way… I’ll have to be content where I am.

She signed the diary, and placed it back under the bed. She turned off her lamp, rolled over, and closed her eyes, drifting to dream land.
[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Bios]
[spoiler=Isaac Aden]
[b]Age:[/b] 17
[spoiler=Appearance]
[img]%20http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd257/Omium/Anime%20boys/AnimeRedheadTrenchcoatGuy.jpg%20[/img]
[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Relationships]
Daniel Rivera – Best Friend
Marco Aden – Little Brother
[/spoiler]
[b]Deck:[/b]
[b]Favorite Card:[/b] Fabled Kushano
[b]Ace Card:[/b] The Fabled Unicore
[b]Key Card:[/b] ???
[spoiler=Decklists]
[spoiler=Chapter 1-??]
[spoiler=Monsters]
[url="http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110128172951/yugioh/images/thumb/9/90/FabledGrimroHA02-EN-ScR-1E.jpg/300px-FabledGrimroHA02-EN-ScR-1E.jpg"]Fabled Grimro[/url]
[url="http://images.wikia.com/yugioh/images/1/14/FabledKushanoHA02-EN-SR-1E.jpg"]Fabled Kushano[/url]
[url="http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20100729181602/yugioh/images/thumb/f/fa/FabledLurrieHA02-EN-SR-1E.jpg/300px-FabledLurrieHA02-EN-SR-1E.jpg"]Fabled Lurrie[/url]
Fabled Miztoji
[url="http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20101211003008/yugioh/images/thumb/f/f5/FabledSoulkiusHA03-EN-ScR-1E.jpg/300px-FabledSoulkiusHA03-EN-ScR-1E.jpg"]Fabled Soulkius[/url]
[url="http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110422062024/yugioh/images/thumb/e/ed/TheFabledCatsithHA04-EN-SR-1E.jpg/300px-TheFabledCatsithHA04-EN-SR-1E.jpg"]the Fabled Catsith[/url]
[url="http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111031025121/yugioh/images/thumb/b/b4/TheFabledCerburrelHA04-EN-ScR-1E.png/300px-TheFabledCerburrelHA04-EN-ScR-1E.png"]The Fabled Cerburrel[/url]
[url="http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110422062049/yugioh/images/thumb/a/a9/TheFabledChawaHA04-EN-SR-1E.jpg/300px-TheFabledChawaHA04-EN-SR-1E.jpg"]The Fabled Chawa[/url]
[url="http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110422062110/yugioh/images/thumb/f/f7/TheFabledKokkatorHA04-EN-SR-1E.jpg/300px-TheFabledKokkatorHA04-EN-SR-1E.jpg"]the Fabled Kokkator[/url]
[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Spells]
[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Traps]
[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Extra Deck]
[url="http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110113234415/yugioh/images/thumb/d/d6/AllyofJusticeCatastorHA01-EN-ScR-LE.jpg/300px-AllyofJusticeCatastorHA01-EN-ScR-LE.jpg"]Ally of Justice Catastor[/url]
[url="http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20100725084417/yugioh/images/thumb/8/87/FabledValkyrusHA02-EN-ScR-1E.jpg/300px-FabledValkyrusHA02-EN-ScR-1E.jpg"]Fabled Valkyrus[/url]
Gallop through the heavens you were cast out of and destroy those who oppose you! Bend them to your will, cripple their powers! Appear in the afterglow of grace, the Fabled Unicore!
[/spoiler]
[/spoiler]
[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Chants]
Fallen wings spread through the night, bent on reclaiming their glory! Lead the legions into battle! Find your own way to redemption, Fabled Valkyrus!

Gallop through the heavens you were cast out of and destroy those who oppose you! Bend them to your will, cripple their powers! Appear in the afterglow of grace, the Fabled Unicore!
[/spoiler]
[b]Other:[/b] TBD
[spoiler=Duel Record]
Wins: 0
Losses: 0
Draws: 1
[/spoiler]
[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Daniel Rivera]
[b]Age:[/b] 17
[spoiler=Appearance]

[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Relationships]
Sarah Rivera – Little Sister
[/spoiler]
[b]Deck:[/b] Gusto
[b]Favorite Card:[/b] Winda, Priestess of Gusto
[b]Ace Card:[/b] Gusto Gulldos
[b]Key Card:[/b] ???
[spoiler=Decklists]
[spoiler=Chapter 1-??]
[spoiler=Monsters]
[url="http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111031082254/yugioh/images/thumb/8/8c/Caam%2CSerenityofGusto-DT05-EN-DSPR-DT.jpg/300px-Caam%2CSerenityofGusto-DT05-EN-DSPR-DT.jpg"]Caam, Serenity of Gusto[/url]
[url="http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/yugioh/images/thumb/0/05/GustoEgul-DT05-EN-DNPR-DT.jpg/300px-GustoEgul-DT05-EN-DNPR-DT.jpg"]Gusto Egul[/url]
[url="http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111031083524/yugioh/images/thumb/e/e8/GustoGulldo-DT05-EN-DNPR-DT.jpg/300px-GustoGulldo-DT05-EN-DNPR-DT.jpg"]Gusto Gulldo[/url]
[url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Musto%2C_Priest_of_Gusto"]Musto, Priest of Gusto[/url]
[url="http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111031084758/yugioh/images/thumb/0/07/Winda%2CPriestessofGusto-DT05-EN-DNPR-DT.jpg/300px-Winda%2CPriestessofGusto-DT05-EN-DNPR-DT.jpg"]Winda, Priestess of Gusto[/url]
[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Spells]
[url="http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111031090536/yugioh/images/thumb/b/b9/ContactwithGusto-DT05-EN-DRPR-DT.jpg/300px-ContactwithGusto-DT05-EN-DRPR-DT.jpg"]Contact with Gusto[/url]
[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Traps]
[url="http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110422062850/yugioh/images/thumb/8/88/BottomlessTrapHoleSDDL-EN-C-1E.jpg/300px-BottomlessTrapHoleSDDL-EN-C-1E.jpg"]Bottomless Trap Hole[/url]
[url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Shock_Wave"]Shock Wave[/url]
[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Extra Deck]
[url="http://images.wikia.com/yugioh/images/f/fa/DaigustoEgulsDT05-EN-DUPR-DT.jpg"]Daigusto Eguls [/url]
[url="http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111022225336/yugioh/images/thumb/5/5a/DaigustoGulldosDT05-EN-DSPR-DT.jpg/300px-DaigustoGulldosDT05-EN-DSPR-DT.jpg"]Daigusto Gulldos[/url]
[/spoiler]
[/spoiler]
[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Chants]
Gales bend and Thunder bows! They come together as one to serve under you, mighty creature of the sky! Tamer and Beast are as one! Arise, Daigusto Gulldos!
[/spoiler]
[b]Other:[/b] Sees Duel Spirits; Refuses to do chants, except for Gulldos.
[spoiler=Duel Record]
Wins: 0
Losses: 0
Draws: 1
[/spoiler]
[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Amelia Loman]
[b]Age:[/b] 16
[spoiler=Appearance]
[img]http://i52.tinypic.com/fjojs3.jpg[/img]
[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Relationships]
[/spoiler]
[b]Deck:[/b] ???
[b]Favorite Card:[/b] ???
[b]Ace Card:[/b] ???
[b]Key Card:[/b] ???
[spoiler=Decklists]
???
[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Chants]
???
[/spoiler]
[b]Other:[/b] TBD
[spoiler=Duel Record]
Wins: 0
Losses: 0
Draws: 0
[/spoiler]
[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Sarah Rivera]
[b]Age:[/b] 16
[spoiler=Appearance]
[img]http://i39.tinypic.com/kdtoxf.jpg[/img]
[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Relationships]
Daniel Rivera – Big brother
[/spoiler]
[b]Deck:[/b] ???
[b]Favorite Card:[/b] ???
[b]Ace Card:[/b] ???
[b]Key Card:[/b] ???
[spoiler=Decklists]
???
[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Chants]
???
[/spoiler]
[b]Other:[/b] TBD
[spoiler=Duel Record]
Wins: 0
Losses: 0
Draws: 0
[/spoiler]
[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Luke Solaris]
[b]Age:[/b] 29
[spoiler=Appearance]
[img]http://i44.tinypic.com/14o7uyc.jpg[/img]
[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Relationships]
[/spoiler]
[b]Deck:[/b] ???
[b]Favorite Card:[/b] ???
[b]Ace Card:[/b] ???
[b]Key Card:[/b]
[spoiler=Decklists]
???
[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Chants]
[/spoiler]
[b]Other:[/b] Governor of where the story takes place.
[spoiler=Duel Record]
Wins: 0
Losses: 1
Draws: 0
[/spoiler]
[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Seth Libidi]
[b]Age:[/b] 31
[spoiler=Appearance]
[img]http://i44.tinypic.com/21ltq54.jpg[/img]
[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Relationships]
[/spoiler]
[b]Deck:[/b] ???
[b]Favorite Card:[/b] ???
[b]Ace Card:[/b] ???
[b]Key Card:[/b] Horus the Black Flame Dragon LV 8
[spoiler=Decklists]
???
[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Chants]
[/spoiler]
[b]Other:[/b] Governor; Unconfirmed area
[spoiler=Duel Record]
Wins: 1
Losses: 0
Draws: 0
[/spoiler][/spoiler]
[/spoiler]

[spoiler=OST]
[url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jKr8wHzkpHE&feature=related"]Opening: Arc 1[/url][/center]
[center][url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PfP1Fhg3h1g&feature=related"]Closing: Arc 1[/url]

1. [url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mvuy-C-12Go&feature=related"]Wings Spread Wide – Isaac’s Theme [/url]
2. [url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xj90Vcq2Kic"]Feel the Wind – Daniel’s Theme[/url]
3. [url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xZYG3WNLnM&feature=related"]Leisure Duel[/url]
[/spoiler][/center]

[Mugendramon]

Hm... It certainly is good that you're writing this over. I loved the choice of soundtrack, too.

I wonder what is it that you're going to do with the old characters. o:

[Northern Sage]

Out of curiosity: Wouldn't Catastor's effect have gone off?

[DL]

Cept it was negated :'D

[Northern Sage]

Right, my mistake. Missed that part.
Overall good.

[Phantom Roxas]

This was good. It's not worth writing a full commentary on because most of this was a duel, although there wasn't much plot to entice further reading beyond Amelia's feelings for Isaac and Daniel having Winda as a Duel Spirit. Speaking of Winda, having most of her dialogue consist of calling Daniel got old after the first time.

On that note, I love Luke's character design. I look forward to seeing more of him. Do you plan to list who each character is based on when possible?

[Twig]

[font=Arial][size=4][quote name='Phantom Roxas' timestamp='1322349716' post='5667961'][/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=4]It's not worth writing a full commentary on because most of this was a duel,[/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=4][/quote][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][b]Challenge Accepted![/b][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][spoiler=Chapter 1: Blustery Day][/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=4][b][i][u]October 29, 2011[/u][/i][/b][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][b][i]“ Limiter removal, level max! Regulator open, all clear! Infinite power, break time and space to open unknown world! Go! Delta Accel! Come on, Tech Genus Halberd Cannon!” The television roared with the explosive summon, leaving two little boys staring/[/i][/b][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]Note: It's bolded since it was already italicized. Otherwise, italicized things are the reviewee. [/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]Ok, let's get down to business. First of all, spellcheck is a wonderful thing. It helps you spot awkward sentences like "break time and space to open unknown world!" If you don't know what's wrong with that sentence, please go back to 6th English. Also, spellchecking could help you catch the more obvious one "leaving two little boys staring/". Staring at what? What's with the slash? Where's the period? And more importantly, who's talking? I know the anime does stupid summon chants like these, but I just can't imagine a young adult/adult blabbering about space and time and super duper special awesome summons when it doesn't really help with...well...anything. It's not making the summon more epic, it's not advancing the plot, and it does nothing for the duel besides making it unnecessarily long. Well it does help us know the dueler still has a mind of a seven year old. [/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][b][i]“C’mon Bruno!” The older boy cheered at the screen. In the middle of the duel, the television turned off.[/i][/b][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]I understand that the TV suddenly turns off, but it doesn't feel like it. It's hard to explain, but that sentence is just awkward. Couldn't you just say: "The tv suddenly turned off." Does the detail, "in the middle of the duel", really matter?[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][b][i]“Enough of that for now. Isaac, Marco, go play outside.”[/i][/b][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][b][i]“But mom” Isaac whined, “It’s almost over. Can we finish it, pleeeease?”[/i][/b][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][b][i]“No, now go get ready. You two have Daniel’s birthday party to go to. Now head upstairs.”[/i][/b][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]"Go outside![/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=4]"But mom-"[/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=4]"No! Now head upstairs."[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]Spellcheck is your friend.[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][b][i]Defeated, the two boys headed up to their room.[/i][/b][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][b][i]“I’m gonna be a pro one day!” Isaac exclaimed to his little brother. “Just like Bruno!”[/i][/b][/size][/font]


[font=Arial][size=4]It's been really boring so far. All we got out of it was their names, and none of it brings up the plot. Unless...unless the "I want to be the very best like no one ever was" is your plot. That would be terrible. Please prove me wrong.[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i][u]Friday, November 9, 2018 – Present Day[/u][/i][/size][/font]

[url="http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd257/Omium/Anime%20boys/AnimeRedheadTrenchcoatGuy.jpg"][color=#000099][font=Arial][size=4][i]Isaac[/i][/size][/font][/color][/url][font=Arial][size=4][i] snapped out of his daydream, and looked back at the blackboard, as the teacher tapped away. He blinked a few times, then stifled a yawn. He gazed at the clock for a few moments, until the bell finally rang. Isaac let out a sigh of relief, and hurried to his locker.[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]You never want to waste a paragraph. Unless you're trying to put us to sleep, I have no idea why you would start at such a boring moment. You could have easily skipped this, or maybe use some characterization and or foreshadowing. [/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]“Hey, Isaac”, a blond girl said with a smile, as she stepped up the senior, her hands twiddling behind her back. “How was your day?”[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]"...as she stepped up the senior?" What is that suppose to mean?[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]“Oh, hey [/i][/size][/font][url="http://i52.tinypic.com/fjojs3.jpg"][color=#000099][font=Arial][size=4][i]Amelia[/i][/size][/font][/color][/url][font=Arial][size=4][i]. Well, it was school. How about yours?” He placed a book in his locker and turned to face her. “And do you have any plans for tonight?” He asked the junior.[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]"How about yours?[/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=4]"Well uh-[/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=4]"And do you have any plans for tonight?"[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]Does everyone in this fanfic expect everyone to be able to do/answer two things at once? [/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]“Um, I didn’t really have anything planned.” Amelia stuttered, averting her eyes slightly. “Wh-why do you ask?”[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]If you're going to make your character ask two questions, then at least answer both the questions. Because otherwise, you'd be wasting text and time again. Oh by the way, I know it's only the beginning, but things have been boring so far. We already have dialogue, but we have next to no description. So we're forced to just imagine what they look like. [/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]“Well, Daniel and I were gonna hang out tonight, around 6, and I was curious if you wanted to tag along. I can tell Daniel to bring Sarah along too, if you’d like.”[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]Amelia’s shoulders drooped slightly. “Oh, sure…sounds fun,” she said, stuttering a bit, a small smile on her face. “Well, I’ll see you tonight, I gotta go.”[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]Amelia headed off towards her locker, her smile turning into a slight frown as she turned away. Isaac finished up at his locker, and headed home himself.[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]Does she really expect the guy she like to suddenly ask her on a date? As far as I see it, Isaac has pretty much no feelings for her. Unless I'm seeing this incorrectly, but I can't see anything since there's no description. It's like I skipped the first few chapters of a book and started reading on chapter four. Oh god, don't tell me you expect us to read those stupid character bios?[/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=4]-------[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]“[/i][/size][/font][url="http://img3.lln.crunchyroll.com/i/spire2/08042008/6/3/7/d/637da32fc2d190_full.jpg"][color=#000099][font=Arial][size=4][i]Daniiiiiel[/i][/size][/font][/color][/url][font=Arial][size=4][i]!” His sister called “Hurry up! Isaac should be here in five minutes and you’re still lollygagging!”[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]I'm pretty sure you could have chosen a better word for lollygagging. The last time I heard that word was from my super old 7th grade english teacher. I don't believe kids say that word nowadays...Although I'm only assuming she's a little kid, but I would never know since there's no description.[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]Daniel sighed. “Look, Sarah, I’ll be down in a second!” He called down. “Geeze, I’m not running that late…”[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]“Yes, you are, pedo.” A green haired girl giggled from behind. “I mean, like she said, you have 5 minutes, and you don’t even have a shirt on.”[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]Jeez, how old is that girl? Using pedo as an insult? What? Also, not spelling out five is bothering me. [/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]“[/i][/size][/font][url="http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111031084758/yugioh/images/thumb/0/07/Winda%2CPriestessofGusto-DT05-EN-DNPR-DT.jpg/300px-Winda%2CPriestessofGusto-DT05-EN-DNPR-DT.jpg"][color=#000099][font=Arial][size=4][i]Winda[/i][/size][/font][/color][/url][font=Arial][size=4][i], shut up, I don’t have time for this.” He groaned, as a [/i][/size][/font][url="http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111031083524/yugioh/images/thumb/e/e8/GustoGulldo-DT05-EN-DNPR-DT.jpg/300px-GustoGulldo-DT05-EN-DNPR-DT.jpg"][color=#000099][font=Arial][size=4][i]green bird[/i][/size][/font][/color][/url][font=Arial][size=4][i] sat on his head with a tweet. “Same to you, Gulldo.”[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]I'm confused. I thought Sarah was the green haired girl, but apparently she's a girl named Winda. I'd try to make it so I don't confuse the reader. What kind of name is Winda anyways? No offense to someone who's actually named that, but everyone else in her family (I'm assuming she's family) has normal names.[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]The floating girl pulled the bird into her arms. “You know, I still don’t get why we’re the ones you like most, pedo.” Winda chimed, “I mean, you’d think a normal guy would want, say, Caam, and not a young girl like me.” The duel spirit winked at Daniel, making him shake his head. “Well, I’ll find out later, but a little birdie told me your guests are here.”[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]Floati-wut is dis i dont even. This fanfic is just confusing.[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]Green haired girl- oh wait, it's not Sarah?[/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=4]Winda is the green haird girl-oh wait, she floats?[/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=4]She rudely calls Daniel a pedo- oh wait, she has a reason?[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]I feel like you're teasing us. Making us do double takes. [/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]“Dammit, really?!” Daniel shot downstairs, as the priestess giggled. “He never learns, does he, Gulldo?” The bird tweeted again, nuzzling against his caretaker.[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]Please make separate paragraphs for separate people talking. Otherwise, I don't know why Daniel would say "He never learns, does he, Gulldo?" Why do you have to call Winda priestess and caretaker? Can't you just use her name and "her"?[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]-------[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]“Isaac!” [/i][/size][/font][url="http://i39.tinypic.com/kdtoxf.jpg"][color=#000099][font=Arial][size=4][i]Sarah[/i][/size][/font][/color][/url][font=Arial][size=4][i] squealed and hugged the older boy. “Glad you could make it! And you too, Amy! Come on over here, the duel’s gonna start soon”[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]Amelia sighed. ”She’s so excitable… It’s kinda hard to compete.”. She sat next to Isaac. “So, um, Sarah…” Amelia glanced around. “Where’s Daniel?”[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]I really just want to stop reading by now. There’s been nothing but boring dialogue. There’s next to no description of the setting, let alone the characters. It’s like we’re expected to know what everything looks like. The only thing interesting that has happened is the duel spirit showing up, and that’s not much to say. The romance thing you’re trying to make with Amelia isn’t interesting either. There’s no chemistry. [/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]“He’s taking forever getting ready for some reason… And I think he’s talking to himself again.” Sarah shrugged, and turned the TV on. “He’ll be down soon enough, so don’t worry about it!” She fidgeted with the remote and changed the channel to a channel with.[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]“I’m here!” Daniel yelled as he descended the stairs. “Sorry! Was caught up!” He plopped down next to his sister, and sighed. Sarah raised an eyebrow, but looked back to the screen.[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]What’s with the raising of the eyebrows? Still, no description, let alone detail.[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]Amelia opened her mouth to speak, but the television interrupted her. “And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for!” The announcer roared “Governor [/i][/size][/font][url="http://images.cosplay.com/i/members/200/181972.jpg"][color=#000099][font=Arial][size=4][i]Seth Libidi[/i][/size][/font][/color][/url][font=Arial][size=4][i] will now duel Governor [/i][/size][/font][url="http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSRYbqS7cpxJDvcmVVjEXajkE0GIG0Tud1YyILJFw_Nb77tyJ0t"][color=#000099][font=Arial][size=4][i]Luke Solaris[/i][/size][/font][/color][/url][font=Arial][size=4][i]! The two men agreed to duel this Friday as a special event for the fans! And now, let’s begin!” The announcer threw his arm wide, and the two men began their duel.[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]Governors duel each other? Eh, no matter...I’m still waiting for something special to happen, or at least some detail.[/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=4]-------[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]“[/i][/size][/font][url="http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20070417144206/yugioh/images/thumb/c/c0/HorustheBlackFlameDragonLV8DR3-EN-UR-UE.jpg/300px-HorustheBlackFlameDragonLV8DR3-EN-UR-UE.jpg"][color=#000099][font=Arial][size=4][i]Horus[/i][/size][/font][/color][/url][font=Arial][size=4][i], attack Luke directly!” Seth proclaimed, causing the monster to fire black flames at the other duelist, reducing his life to zero.[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]“There you have it, folks! General Libidi has won the match with an attack from his key card!”[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]“Damn, why’d our governor have to lose?” Isaac grumbled, watching the screen.[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]“At least it was a good match, Isaac.” Amelia smiled softly, and Isaac shrugged.[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]I have thank you for skipping the duel, but then again, what was the duel for anyway? Is it just more filler so you can have another topic the characters can boringly have a conversation about? The plot is still unclear, and you’re not even characterizing. So what the heck are you doing?[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]“I guess, but I feel like it was a bit anticlimactic that last duel...”[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]I’m feeling every paragraph here is anticlimatic. [/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]“Well, then, why don’t we duel? No reason not to, is there?” Daniel raised his eyebrow to Isaac. “That is, unless you know I’ll kick your ass again.” He sneered[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]“You? Win? Really? Fine, you’re on.”[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]Oh gosh, not a duel. Please no.[/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=4]-------[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]“You ready?” Daniel taunted after placing a D-gazer over his left eye, to which Isaac just bowed. “… What are you doing?”[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]“Ladies first!” The green haired boy glared, and drew his hand.[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]“Alright, then, if you insist on me going firs- oh dammit.” He scowled at Winda in his hand. ”Stupid loli. I’ll just set her and move on.” Daniel set 1 card in addition to Winda, and ended.[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]Awww. Not a yugioh duel in a fan-fic. It’s even sadder because I know there’s no point to this duel. They suddenly broke into duel for no reason at all. [/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i](insert duel here)[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]I only skimmed through the first few paragraphs of the duel to check if it was really a useless duel. You know what I find sad? The monster cards had more description than the characters in this fic.[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]“… Wow.” Amelia let out her breath. “That was unexpected.”[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]“Good game, Isaac” Daniel said with a smile, met with a slight scowl[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]“Good game I guess… Seems even more anticlimactic than the duel earlier, though. The rest of it was fun though.”[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]“You did great, Isaac!” Sarah chirped and moved close. “I mean, you almost beat him! He just had that lame-o trap set!” She smiled wide as the senior shrugged.[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]Why did you call Isaac, “the senior”? What’s the point? You’ve already said that at the beginning.[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]“Shut up, Sarah.” Daniel groaned, only to be met by his duel spirit.[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]Groans are more like moans. “Shut up, Sarah” isn’t a groan nor a moan. [/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]“I kinda agree with her, here.” The spirit teased, Gulldo chirping on her shoulder. When Daniel snapped at her, the other three stared at him.[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]“… Who are you talking to?” Sarah cocked her head.[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]Snapping can refer to the snapping of fingers. It could be the snapping of breaking. Also, something semi-interesting actually happened! Yay![/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]“… Oh, look at the time, Isaac and Amelia need to go!” He pushed them out the front door and waved. “Had fun tonight, let’s do it again, and all that jazz!” He slammed the door, leaving the duo in the cold.[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]“Need a ride, Amy?”[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]Nope, it’s already over. Back to cliche, boring dialogue. [/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=4]-------[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]Amelia laid on her bed and sighed. She pulled out a featureless book from under her bed and grabbed a pen from her desk. She opened the book, and began to write.[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]Another day, another entry… She began, writing about the day. The best part though was all the time with… Well, you know, I’ve written it enough times… I wonder if… Nah, there’s no way… I’ll have to be content where I am.[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][i]She signed the diary, and placed it back under the bed. She turned off her lamp, rolled over, and closed her eyes, drifting to dream land.[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]Oh look, the book had more description the characters. At least we know it’s featureless for sure, but the characters might as well be described as featureless. I feel like I just read a retelling of a hangout of a group of yugioh nerds, and that Daniel is just a special child with an imaginary friend. [/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]I’ve said it again and again, but I’ll say it one more time. There’s no description. The dialogue is boring. The characters barely show any personality. The only person who isn’t a walking rock is Amy who’s just a cliche girl fallen in love with a guy who doesn’t love her. There’s probably a thousand more Amy’s in the real world, let alone the fiction world. And finally, where’s the plot? Why is it called Cosmic Path? [/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]This whole chapter was a waste. I could have written the most important things that you mentioned in probably one paragraph and actually start the plot instead of writing the boring unnecessarily long duel.[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]And no, I shouldn’t be forced to read the thing under the Bio spoiler. You should be able to find a way to put the description in the story, but it’s not just the characters. There’s next to no description of the setting. Really, this didn’t need a full commentary. I could’ve saved more time since all the complaints I had could have been said in a few paragraphs, but oh well. [/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=4][/spoiler][/size][/font]

[Blake]

Responses within.
[quote name='Twig' timestamp='1322368559' post='5668731']
[font=Arial][size=4][spoiler=Chapter 1: Blustery Day][/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=4]Ok, let's get down to business. First of all, spellcheck is a wonderful thing. It helps you spot awkward sentences like "break time and space to open unknown world!" If you don't know what's wrong with that sentence, please go back to 6th English. Also, spellchecking could help you catch the more obvious one "leaving two little boys staring/". Staring at what? What's with the slash? Where's the period? And more importantly, who's talking? I know the anime does stupid summon chants like these, but I just can't imagine a young adult/adult blabbering about space and time and super duper special awesome summons when it doesn't really help with...well...anything. It's not making the summon more epic, it's not advancing the plot, and it does nothing for the duel besides making it unnecessarily long. Well it does help us know the dueler still has a mind of a seven year old. [/size][/font]

[b]... That's a quote from the 5D's series. Please know WHAT you're talking about.[/b]

[font=Arial][size=4]I understand that the TV suddenly turns off, but it doesn't feel like it. It's hard to explain, but that sentence is just awkward. Couldn't you just say: "The tv suddenly turned off." Does the detail, "in the middle of the duel", really matter?[/size][/font]

[b]Went with what a friend told me.[/b]

[font=Arial][size=4]"Go outside![/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=4]"But mom-"[/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=4]"No! Now head upstairs."[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]Spellcheck is your friend.[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][b]Missed that >< But that has nothing to do with spellcheck, and spellcheck pointed nothing out =/[/b][/size][/font]


[font=Arial][size=4]It's been really boring so far. All we got out of it was their names, and none of it brings up the plot. Unless...unless the "I want to be the very best like no one ever was" is your plot. That would be terrible. Please prove me wrong.[/size][/font]

[b]Meant to show a young boy's ambition. Not the plot.[/b]

[font=Arial][size=4]You never want to waste a paragraph. Unless you're trying to put us to sleep, I have no idea why you would start at such a boring moment. You could have easily skipped this, or maybe use some characterization and or foreshadowing. [/size][/font]

[b]... So, basically, by makign him daydream, I added somethign unneeded, even thoguh I made a completely random flashback have some meaning? [/b]

[font=Arial][size=4]"...as she stepped up the senior?" What is that suppose to mean?[/size][/font]

[b]... Really?[/b] [b]Read the date. You obviously ignored it just like you ignored things in half of your ignorant comments.[/b]

[font=Arial][size=4]"How about yours?[/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=4]"Well uh-[/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=4]"And do you have any plans for tonight?"[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]Does everyone in this fanfic expect everyone to be able to do/answer two things at once? [/size][/font]

[b]And you seem to fail at day to day convos.[/b]

[font=Arial][size=4]If you're going to make your character ask two questions, then at least answer both the questions. Because otherwise, you'd be wasting text and time again. Oh by the way, I know it's only the beginning, but things have been boring so far. We already have dialogue, but we have next to no description. So we're forced to just imagine what they look like. [/size][/font]

[b]Yes, I've been told of that, and I will fix it, but that's what PICTURES are for =/[/b]

[font=Arial][size=4]Does she really expect the guy she like to suddenly ask her on a date? As far as I see it, Isaac has pretty much no feelings for her. Unless I'm seeing this incorrectly, but I can't see anything since there's no description. It's like I skipped the first few chapters of a book and started reading on chapter four. Oh god, don't tell me you expect us to read those stupid character bios?[/size][/font]

[b]They're friends. That should be obvious. And if she has feelings, she would really be hoping, doncha think?[/b]
[font=Arial][size=4]-------[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]I'm pretty sure you could have chosen a better word for lollygagging. The last time I heard that word was from my super old 7th grade english teacher. I don't believe kids say that word nowadays...Although I'm only assuming she's a little kid, but I would never know since there's no description.[/size][/font]

[b]I hear it a good bit ._.[/b] [b]And, again, tead the date, and stop being blatantly ignorant.[/b]

[font=Arial][size=4]Jeez, how old is that girl? Using pedo as an insult? What? Also, not spelling out five is bothering me. [/size][/font]

[b]That was a typo...[/b]

[font=Arial][size=4]I'm confused. I thought Sarah was the green haired girl, but apparently she's a girl named Winda. I'd try to make it so I don't confuse the reader. What kind of name is Winda anyways? No offense to someone who's actually named that, but everyone else in her family (I'm assuming she's family) has normal names.[/size][/font]

[b]I didn't name her, but, again, you can't click links to save your life =/[/b]

[b]Or, y'know, even READ AT ALL WHERE IT SAYS DUEL SPIRIT.[/b]

[font=Arial][size=4]Floati-wut is dis i dont even. This fanfic is just confusing.[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]Green haired girl- oh wait, it's not Sarah?[/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=4]Winda is the green haird girl-oh wait, she floats?[/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=4]She rudely calls Daniel a pedo- oh wait, she has a reason?[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]I feel like you're teasing us. Making us do double takes. [/size][/font]

[b]If you got confused, you couldn't read. I clearly indicated /A/ green haired girl said it from behind him [s]after Sarah YELLED UP. Again, learn the situation before you open your trap.[/s][/b] [b]Forgot to say called UP. And, that does not change the fact that /A/ denotes someone else not mentioned. =/[/b]

[font=Arial][size=4]Please make separate paragraphs for separate people talking. Otherwise, I don't know why Daniel would say "He never learns, does he, Gulldo?" Why do you have to call Winda priestess and caretaker? Can't you just use her name and "her"?[/size][/font]

[b]Typo[/b]
[font=Arial][size=4]-------[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]I really just want to stop reading by now. There’s been nothing but boring dialogue. There’s next to no description of the setting, let alone the characters. It’s like we’re expected to know what everything looks like. The only thing interesting that has happened is the duel spirit showing up, and that’s not much to say. The romance thing you’re trying to make with Amelia isn’t interesting either. There’s no chemistry. [/size][/font]

[b]It's meant to be one-sided atm =/ And if you hate reading, don't. You're not helping, at all. Anything you've said has been told to me already.[/b]

[font=Arial][size=4]What’s with the raising of the eyebrows? Still, no description, let alone detail.[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]Governors duel each other? Eh, no matter...I’m still waiting for something special to happen, or at least some detail.[/size][/font]

[b]>Implying government people don't duel in YGOverse[/b]

[b]._.[/b]
[font=Arial][size=4]-------[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]I have thank you for skipping the duel, but then again, what was the duel for anyway? Is it just more filler so you can have another topic the characters can boringly have a conversation about? The plot is still unclear, and you’re not even characterizing. So what the heck are you doing?[/size][/font]

[b]Why the hell would the plot be clear in chapter 1? Name me 5 succesful books that did that. that was more a glance at the future, and thigns to come, without giving away anything.[/b]


[font=Arial][size=4]Awww. Not a yugioh duel in a fan-fic. It’s even sadder because I know there’s no point to this duel. They suddenly broke into duel for no reason at all. [/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]I only skimmed through the first few paragraphs of the duel to check if it was really a useless duel. You know what I find sad? The monster cards had more description than the characters in this fic.[/size][/font]

[b]You know what I find sad? you bitching when I DO describe.[/b]

[font=Arial][size=4]Why did you call Isaac, “the senior”? What’s the point? You’ve already said that at the beginning.[/size][/font]

[b]You really are dense, eh? It's jsut a way to avoid he, and if you can't understand how he's a senior...[/b]

[font=Arial][size=4]Groans are more like moans. “Shut up, Sarah” isn’t a groan nor a moan. [/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][b]You must not read a lot. I know what a groan is, but that's not an uncommon verb after a sentence.[/b][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]Snapping can refer to the snapping of fingers. It could be the snapping of breaking. Also, something semi-interesting actually happened! Yay![/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][b]>Implying snapping isn't a verbal noun[/b][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][b]Really, get your head out of your ass.[/b][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]Oh look, the book had more description the characters. At least we know it’s featureless for sure, but the characters might as well be described as featureless. I feel like I just read a retelling of a hangout of a group of yugioh nerds, and that Daniel is just a special child with an imaginary friend. [/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]I’ve said it again and again, but I’ll say it one more time. There’s no description. The dialogue is boring. The characters barely show any personality. The only person who isn’t a walking rock is Amy who’s just a cliche girl fallen in love with a guy who doesn’t love her. There’s probably a thousand more Amy’s in the real world, let alone the fiction world. And finally, where’s the plot? Why is it called Cosmic Path? [/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][b]I'll say it again- Name 5 SUCCESFUL BOOKS that start the plot full power in chapter 1. It's somethign that's gonna be revealed over the story, nto all at once.[/b][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]This whole chapter was a waste. I could have written the most important things that you mentioned in probably one paragraph and actually start the plot instead of writing the boring unnecessarily long duel.[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]And no, I shouldn’t be forced to read the thing under the Bio spoiler. You should be able to find a way to put the description in the story, but it’s not just the characters. There’s next to no description of the setting. Really, this didn’t need a full commentary. I could’ve saved more time since all the complaints I had could have been said in a few paragraphs, but oh well. [/size][/font]

[b]Bios are just info compiling. Nothing there that's not in the chapter, really.[/b]
[font=Arial][size=4][/spoiler][/size][/font]
[/quote]
Honestly, Twig, I expect more intelligence of you =/

And don't say I'm just discounting everythign you said, I admitted flaws.

[Twig]

[b]... That's a quote from the 5D's series. Please know WHAT you're talking about.[/b]

And that matters because...? The anime is very directed to little kids. I what point you're trying to make...

[b]Missed that >< But that has nothing to do with spellcheck, and spellcheck pointed nothing out =/[/b]

What I mean by spellcheck is to read over it again. It doesn't necessarily mean that you look for just spelling errors.

[b]... So, basically, by makign him daydream, I added somethign unneeded, even thoguh I made a completely random flashback have some meaning? [/b]

The flashback was really unneeded. There are other ways of showing his ambition. Maybe when it is necessary, you could have one of his friends say something like, "You've always dreamed of being a pro," instead of the cheesy flashback. Besides, it's not just the daydream part I'm talking about. Somewhere there you mentioned the teacher, him blinking, him yawning, gazing at the clock, and letting out a sigh of relief. Couldn't you just say, "He snapped out of his daydream once the bell rung." Something like that. We didn't need all that waiting.

[b]... Really?[/b] [b]Read the date. You obviously ignored it just like you ignored things in half of your ignorant comments.[/b]

If it means that Isaac is a senior, yeah I knew that. I was pointing out your grammar mistake. It's "stepped up to the senior." Otherwise, it doesn't make much sense.

[b]And you seem to fail at day to day convos.[/b]

Sad, because this whole chapter was day to day convos.

[b]Yes, I've been told of that, and I will fix it, but that's what PICTURES are for =/[/b]

Read some big boy books. They're not supposed to use pictures. Unless you meant to make this a children's book, then I would understand everything and would take back all my so called "ignorant comments."

[b]They're friends. That should be obvious. And if she has feelings, she would really be hoping, doncha think?[/b]

It's clear that their friends, but it's also clear that Isaac has shown no feelings. She can hope and dream, but I think she's hoping a bit too much.

[b]I hear it a good bit ._.[/b] [b]And, again, tead the date, and stop being blatantly ignorant.[/b]

I did "tead" the date. It only helps in understanding that's it's been seven years since the flashback. How is that suppose to help me know the girl's age if she wasn't even mentioned in the flashback? Maybe I'm completely missing something, but I don't see how reading the date will help me.

[b]If you got confused, you couldn't read. I clearly indicated /A/ green haired girl said it from behind him [s]after Sarah YELLED UP. Again, learn the situation before you open your trap.[/s][/b] [b]Forgot to say called UP. And, that does not change the fact that /A/ denotes someone else not mentioned. =/[/b]

The way you wrote it is just weird. It's like you're putting information we needed after the sentence is finished. You're not leaving the reader confused after reading the whole thing, but it irritates me.

[b]It's meant to be one-sided atm =/ And if you hate reading, don't. You're not helping, at all. [/b][b]Anything you've said has been told to me already.[/b]


I don't hate reading. I just find it unnecessary because, which you yourself stated, anything I've said, I would already say over and over. Why make it one-sided?

[b]>Implying government people don't duel in YGOverse[/b]

Well, I knew they'd have to have dueled at some point, but I didn't imagine they dueled for entertainment. You'd think they'd have more important matters to do or to go to. Guess not. =/

[b]Why the hell would the plot be clear in chapter 1? Name me 5 succesful books that did that. that was more a glance at the future, and thigns to come, without giving away anything.[/b]

I'm not saying the plot should be super duper clear from the start, but at least start heading us towards it. There's nothing in chapter one that implies there's going to be a plot besides the romance thing. Well, if you didn't want to give anything away, you sure accomplished that. I barely know anything about the characters, let alone the setting.

[b]You know what I find sad? you bitching when I DO describe.[/b]

Describing the duel doesn't make up for not describing the rest of the story.

[b]You really are dense, eh? It's jsut a way to avoid he, and if you can't understand how he's a senior...[/b]

Saying "the senior" isn't any better than saying he. You could have used some description like, "the *insert description here* boy." The six foot tall boy, the brown haired boy, etc.

[color=#9BA2A9][font=Arial][b]You must not read a lot. I know what a groan is, but that's not an uncommon verb after a sentence.[/b][/font][/color]

I just can't imagine someone groaning out "shut up." I'd like to hear that.

[color=#9BA2A9][font=Arial][b]>Implying snapping isn't a verbal noun[/b]. [/font][/color][color=#9BA2A9][font=Arial][b]Really, get your head out of your ass.[/b][/font][/color]

No, that's not what I'm implying at all...I just can't say anything else because I've probably already said it. Yes, insult me when I actually found an interesting part in this thing.

[b]I'll say it again- Name 5 SUCCESFUL BOOKS that start the plot full power in chapter 1. It's somethign that's gonna be revealed over the story, nto all at once.[/b]

I'm not saying it has to start the plot at full power, but most books at least gave clues, hints, and foreshadowing to the plot. Or they at least had established a setting for the plot. You could just delete this whole chapter and start at chapter two because nothing here did anything for the story. I'm actually going to test that. I'm going to imagine that this chapter never existed and I'm going to read chapter two as chapter one. Maybe that will make a difference.

[Not-so-Radiant Arin]

Twig, stop being an idiot.

Yuzuru, stop being a dick.

[size=7][color=#ff0000]~~Going with Something Different: The Writer Formerly Known as Devil's Advocate's "Heartfelt" Review[/color][/size] (now with a Special Review-Review version!)

[color=#ff0000]Well, now, I'm going to skip the usual routine that I do when I review something and just cut right to the middle of the action. Because action is good and it fuels 70% of our fantasy lives.[/color]

[color=#FF0000]Currently, we have Yuzuru Otonashi, the writer of this Fan-Fiction called "Yu-Gi-Oh! Cosmic Path", and also the main star of the anime series known as Angel Beats!, and we have a Review critic, Twig, who is absolute moron and can't keep his mouth shut. Now, I've decided to step in and provide my own thoughts on this piece of writing, and hopefully, it will turn out better without some idiotic troll flaming me for writing in red font.[/color]

[font=Arial][size=4][font=Arial][size=4][quote]Ok, let's get down to business. First of all, spellcheck is a wonderful thing. It helps you spot awkward sentences like "break time and space to open unknown world!" If you don't know what's wrong with that sentence, please go back to 6th English. Also, spellchecking could help you catch the more obvious one "leaving two little boys staring/". Staring at what? What's with the slash? Where's the period? And more importantly, who's talking? I know the anime does stupid summon chants like these, but I just can't imagine a young adult/adult blabbering about space and time and super duper special awesome summons when it doesn't really help with...well...anything. It's not making the summon more epic, it's not advancing the plot, and it does nothing for the duel besides making it unnecessarily long. Well it does help us know the dueler still has a mind of a seven year old.[/size][/font]

[b]... That's a quote from the 5D's series. Please know WHAT you're talking about.[/b][/size][/font]

[color=#ff0000]I assume that the slash is a typo, and I half agree with this statement. It does provide a sense of encouraging detail that propels us to read on, expecting that the Duel will take a turn and become increasingly climatic. And last time I checked, Bruno was not seven years old.[/color]

[font=Arial][size=4][font=Arial][size=4]]I understand that the TV suddenly turns off, but it doesn't feel like it. It's hard to explain, but that sentence is just awkward. Couldn't you just say: "The tv suddenly turned off." Does the detail, "in the middle of the duel", really matter?[/size][/font]

[b]Went with what a friend told me.[/b][/size][/font]

[color=#ff0000]Friends are a really trustworthy source, but, unfortunately, he was wrong (well, someone is wrong here, as I am going to elaborate). Yes, the detail matters, because simply saying "The Television (YES FOR GOD'S SAKES SPELL IT OUT!) suddenly turned off" takes away from the description of what was happening on the television, which is the primary focal point right now.[/color]

[font=Arial][size=4][font=Arial][size=4]"Go outside![/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=4]"But mom-"[/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=4]"No! Now head upstairs."[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]Spellcheck is your friend.[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][b]Missed that >< But that has nothing to do with spellcheck, and spellcheck pointed nothing out =/[/b][/size][/font][/size][/font]

[color=#ff0000]That's not spell-check. That's simply flowing in a logical manner. But it does need to be re-worked.[/color]

[font=Arial][size=4][font=Arial][size=4]It's been really boring so far. All we got out of it was their names, and none of it brings up the plot. Unless...unless the "I want to be the very best like no one ever was" is your plot. That would be terrible. Please prove me wrong.[/size][/font]

[b]Meant to show a young boy's ambition. Not the plot.[/b][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][color=#FF0000]<The first Chapter.[/color][/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=4][color=#FF0000]<Expecting a plot.[/color][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][color=#FF0000]......[/color][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][font=Arial][size=4]You never want to waste a paragraph. Unless you're trying to put us to sleep, I have no idea why you would start at such a boring moment. You could have easily skipped this, or maybe use some characterization and or foreshadowing. [/size][/font]

[b]... So, basically, by makign him daydream, I added somethign unneeded, even thoguh I made a completely random flashback have some meaning? [/b][/size][/font]

[color=#ff0000]<Flashbacks in first chapter.[/color]
[color=#FF0000]<Supposed to make sense.[/color]

[color=#FF0000].......[/color]

[color=#FF0000]Also, although I am not trying to take sides in this debate between writers, Yuzuru, you do need to Spell-Check. It will save you from a life of eternal despair.[/color]

[font=Arial][size=4][font=Arial][size=4]"...as she stepped up the senior?" What is that suppose to mean?[/size][/font]

[b]... Really?[/b] [b]Read the date. You obviously ignored it just like you ignored things in half of your ignorant comments.[/b][/size][/font]

[color=#ff0000]If you can't describe this situation without referring to some outside detail besides the date (which is a horrible excuse), then you have failed as a writer.[/color]

[font=Arial][size=4][font=Arial][size=4]"How about yours?[/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=4]"Well uh-[/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=4]"And do you have any plans for tonight?"[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]Does everyone in this fanfic expect everyone to be able to do/answer two things at once? [/size][/font]

[b]And you seem to fail at day to day convos.[/b][/size][/font]

[color=#ff0000]To quote the amazing and almost spectacular Oscar Collier:[/color]

[color=#FF0000][quote]How do real people talk? They talk like you. They talk like me. They don't always finish sentences. They speak in fragments of sentences. They seldom make long statements. It's usually short comments with dangling participles and dangling emotions tossed back and forth that is the real stuff of dialogue between two people.[/quote][/color]

[color=#FF0000]Shut up, Twig.[/color]

[font=Arial][size=4][font=Arial][size=4]If you're going to make your character ask two questions, then at least answer both the questions. Because otherwise, you'd be wasting text and time again. Oh by the way, I know it's only the beginning, but things have been boring so far. We already have dialogue, but we have next to no description. So we're forced to just imagine what they look like. [/size][/font]

[b]Yes, I've been told of that, and I will fix it, but that's what PICTURES are for =/[/b][/size][/font]

[color=#ff0000]<Relying on pictures.[/color]
[color=#FF0000]<Next to no description without said pictures.[/color]

[color=#FF0000]Again, relying on an external source means you have failed as a writer. You need description. But you don't need lots of description. You don't have to tell us what every characters is wearing from the head-down, including earrings, a green tank-top, five pounds of makeup, a black jeweled belt, a dark green skirt with black tights and silver combat boots (forgive me for my appalling sense of fashion, but I am simply making a statement), because it gets boring after that point.[/color]

[font=Arial][size=4][font=Arial][size=4]Does she really expect the guy she like to suddenly ask her on a date? As far as I see it, Isaac has pretty much no feelings for her. Unless I'm seeing this incorrectly, but I can't see anything since there's no description. It's like I skipped the first few chapters of a book and started reading on chapter four. Oh god, don't tell me you expect us to read those stupid character bios?[/size][/font]

[b]They're friends. That should be obvious. And if she has feelings, she would really be hoping, doncha think?[/b][/size][/font]

[color=#ff0000]<Plot.[/color]
[color=#FF0000]<First Chapter.[/color]

[color=#FF0000]Again, stop it, Twig. But also, with the sense that you make character bios, Yuzuru, you have, again, relied on an external source besides your writing to tell us something.[/color]



[color=#ff0000]The Epic Fail is this big.[/color]

[font=Arial][size=4][font=Arial][size=4]I'm pretty sure you could have chosen a better word for lollygagging. The last time I heard that word was from my super old 7th grade english teacher. I don't believe kids say that word nowadays...Although I'm only assuming she's a little kid, but I would never know since there's no description.[/size][/font]

[b]I hear it a good bit ._.[/b] [b]And, again, tead the date, and stop being blatantly ignorant.[/b][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][color=#FF0000]You both are silly. Acting out on something so miniscule as word choice.[/color][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][font=Arial][size=4]Jeez, how old is that girl? Using pedo as an insult? What? Also, not spelling out five is bothering me. [/size][/font]

[b]That was a typo...[/b][/size][/font]

[color=#ff0000]Not spelling out five also bothers me. You also could have come up with something far more clever than using pedo as an insult (you're like the most clever guy in TCG anyway).[/color]

[font=Arial][size=4][font=Arial][size=4]I'm confused. I thought Sarah was the green haired girl, but apparently she's a girl named Winda. I'd try to make it so I don't confuse the reader. What kind of name is Winda anyways? No offense to someone who's actually named that, but everyone else in her family (I'm assuming she's family) has normal names.[/size][/font]

[b]I didn't name her, but, again, you can't click links to save your life =/[/b]

[b]Or, y'know, even READ AT ALL WHERE IT SAYS DUEL SPIRIT.[/b][/size][/font]

[color=#ff0000]You're asking someone to click on a link to provide a description which is clearly taboo amongst internet writing.[/color]

[font=Arial][size=4][font=Arial][size=4]Floati-wut is dis i dont even. This fanfic is just confusing.[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]Green haired girl- oh wait, it's not Sarah?[/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=4]Winda is the green haird girl-oh wait, she floats?[/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=4]She rudely calls Daniel a pedo- oh wait, she has a reason?[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]I feel like you're teasing us. Making us do double takes. [/size][/font]

[b]If you got confused, you couldn't read. I clearly indicated /A/ green haired girl said it from behind him [s]after Sarah YELLED UP. Again, learn the situation before you open your trap.[/s][/b] [b]Forgot to say called UP. And, that does not change the fact that /A/ denotes someone else not mentioned. =/[/b][/size][/font]

[color=#ff0000]I was able to follow along just fine.[/color]

[font=Arial][size=4][font=Arial][size=4][b]Please make separate paragraphs for separate people talking[/b]. Otherwise, I don't know why Daniel would say "He never learns, does he, Gulldo?" Why do you have to call Winda priestess and caretaker? Can't you just use her name and "her"?[/size][/font]

[b]Typo[/b][/size][/font]

[color=#ff0000]Bold.[/color]

[color=#FF0000]The fact that calling Winda the priestess and caretaker further adds more characteristics to that "Duel Spirit", instead of her just being the typical stereotyped Duel Spirit that hovers on your shoulder all day.[/color]

[font=Arial][size=4][font=Arial][size=4]I really just want to stop reading by now. There’s been nothing but boring dialogue. There’s next to no description of the setting, let alone the characters. It’s like we’re expected to know what everything looks like. The only thing interesting that has happened is the duel spirit showing up, and that’s not much to say. The romance thing you’re trying to make with Amelia isn’t interesting either. There’s no chemistry. [/size][/font]

[b]It's meant to be one-sided atm =/ And if you hate reading, don't. You're not helping, at all. Anything you've said has been told to me already.[/b][/size][/font]

[color=#ff0000]Again:[/color]

[color=#FF0000][quote][/color]
[color=#ff0000]<Plot.[/color]
[color=#FF0000]<First Chapter.[/quote][/color]

[color=#FF0000]Stop spouting out useless and stupid comments, Twig.[/color]

[font=Arial][size=4][font=Arial][size=4]What’s with the raising of the eyebrows? Still, no description, let alone detail.[/size][/font][/size][/font]

[color=#ff0000]You were actually nitpicking at something as miniscule as this?[/color]

[color=#FF0000]Get out.[/color]

[font=Arial][size=4][font=Arial][size=4]Governors duel each other? Eh, no matter...I’m still waiting for something special to happen, or at least some detail.[/size][/font]

[b]>Implying government people don't duel in YGOverse[/b]

[b]._.[/b][/size][/font]

[color=#ff0000]<Implying government people [b]with little to no aforementioned character detail[/b] (because you were nitpicking about that, too) duel in the YGOverse.[/color]

[b][color=#FF0000]._.[/color][/b]

[color=#ff0000]Just stop right now.[/color]

[font=Arial][size=4][font=Arial][size=4]I have thank you for skipping the duel, but then again, what was the duel for anyway? Is it just more filler so you can have another topic the characters can boringly have a conversation about? The plot is still unclear, and you’re not even characterizing. So what the heck are you doing?[/size][/font]

[b]Why the hell would the plot be clear in chapter 1? Name me 5 succesful books that did that. that was more a glance at the future, and thigns to come, without giving away anything.[/b][/size][/font]

[color=#ff0000]<Chapter 1[/color]
[color=#FF0000]<Plo-Oh, you know what, forget this. Twig obviously is hoping for a fast-paced Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan-Fiction. While you're naming those five books, name me five Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan-FIcs on here that have a Duel in the First Chapter that doesn't explain anything or what the plot is about. Do your homework, instead of skipping school. Oh wait, today is Sunday. Do your homework, instead of skipping Sunday class.[/color]

[s][color=#FF0000]I know God wouldn't put up with this bullshit.[/color][/s]

[font=Arial][size=4][font=Arial][size=4]Awww. Not a yugioh duel in a fan-fic. It’s even sadder because I know there’s no point to this duel. They suddenly broke into duel for no reason at all. [/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]I only skimmed through the first few paragraphs of the duel to check if it was really a useless duel. You know what I find sad? The monster cards had more description than the characters in this fic.[/size][/font]

[b]You know what I find sad? you bitching when I DO describe.[/b][/size][/font]

[color=#ff0000]You know what I find sad? That Yuzuru is right. That's usually how it's supposed to be: Descriptive when it comes to the monster detail, less descriptive on the characters.[/color]

[color=#FF0000]So I think I'm going to go ahead and critique the Duel, since Twig skipped it over. It might actually be good, depending on how things turn out. I'm not anticipating much, coming from someone who spends their free-time in the TCG Section.[/color]

[i]“You ready?” Daniel taunted after placing a D-gazer over his left eye, to which Isaac just bowed. “… What are you doing?”

“Ladies first!” The green haired boy glared, and drew his hand.

“Alright, then, if you insist on me going firs- oh dammit.” He scowled at Winda in his hand. [i]”Stupid loli. I’ll just set her and move on.”[/i] Daniel set 1 card in addition to Winda, and ended.

“Alright, then, I’ll go. First off, I’ll discard my Fabled Soulkius to special summon [url="http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110422062049/yugioh/images/thumb/a/a9/TheFabledChawaHA04-EN-SR-1E.jpg/300px-TheFabledChawaHA04-EN-SR-1E.jpg"]the Fabled Chawa[/url]!”[/i]

[color=#ff0000]Oh goodness, you know how much I hate Soulkius. But, you are the writer, the conductor, the lead constructor.[/color]

[i]“Next, I summon [url="http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110422062110/yugioh/images/thumb/f/f7/TheFabledKokkatorHA04-EN-SR-1E.jpg/300px-TheFabledKokkatorHA04-EN-SR-1E.jpg"]the Fabled Kokkator[/url]!” A small, big-headed, purple fiend shot out of his hand, followed by a green, reptilian chicken, which quickly stamped the fiend, and held it down with its claw.

“Alright, now Kokkator attacks your set monster!” On command, the beast shot forward and bit Winda as she flipped over.

“Dammit, pedo!” She screeched as she shattered, and the bird on her shoulder flew off.[/i]

[color=#ff0000]More of the unnecessary "pedo" comment. It must be what the bird's screech is, otherwise I'm missing the point of it.[/color]

[i]“Now, Winda’s effect activates! Since she was destroyed, I can special summon 1 Gusto tuner from my deck!” As he spoke, the bird from her shoulder landed, and armor appeared on it. “I special Summon Gusto Gulldo in defense position!”

“Kokkator also activates. I can discard 1 Fabled, and draw 1, so I discard the Fabled Kushano. Then, I tune my monsters together!” Chawa yipped, and became a single green ring, while Kokkator turned into 4 bright stars with a squawk. The stars lined up inside of the glowing circle, and light filled the ring.

“Synchro Summon! [url="http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110113234415/yugioh/images/thumb/d/d6/AllyofJusticeCatastorHA01-EN-ScR-LE.jpg/300px-AllyofJusticeCatastorHA01-EN-ScR-LE.jpg"]Ally of Justice Catastor[/url]!” The machine descended from the light, twitching erratically, . “Then, I set 1 card and end.”[/i]

[color=#ff0000]Y U NO RAEGIN? Oh wait, because he had more than 2 cards in his hand. I forgot.[/color]

[i]“Alright, my go!” Daniel drew his card, and grinned. “I summon [url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Musto%2C_Priest_of_Gusto"]Musto, Priest of Gusto[/url]!” The green monster appeared and pointed his staff at Catastor, muttering a prayer.

“I active Musto! By returning the Winda in my grave to my deck, I can negate Catastor’s effect until the end phase!” A gust of wind shot from the staff, and wrapped itself around Catastor, making it glow green and whirr. As the mecha seemed to calm, Musto returned to prayer.

“Now, I tune Gulldos and Musto together!” Musto’s prayer made him turn into 4 bright stars, and Gulldo turned into 3 green rings with a shriek. Musto’s stars filled the rings, exploding into light. “Synchro Summon! [url="http://images.wikia.com/yugioh/images/f/fa/DaigustoEgulsDT05-EN-DUPR-DT.jpg"]Daigusto Eguls [/url]!”[/i]

[color=#ff0000]Twig is obviously an idiot. I find the description in this Duel to be quite fantastic. I expected no less from someone who stalks the TCG Forum for 18 hours straight.[/color]

[color=#FF0000]That above statement was an exaggeration...[/color]

[i]The gigantic bird shrieked loud, releasing a gale when it spread its wings. Its rider stood atop as if nothing, as the bird made a windstorm with its wings. “Then, I activate [url="http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111031090536/yugioh/images/thumb/b/b9/ContactwithGusto-DT05-EN-DRPR-DT.jpg/300px-ContactwithGusto-DT05-EN-DRPR-DT.jpg"]Contact with Gusto[/url]! By returning the two monsters I just used to summon Eguls, I destroy your set card!”

A bolt shot out of the storm from eguls, striking Isaac’s set card, shattering it. “Dammit, my Mirror Force!” Isaac snapped, leaving Daniel to chuckle. On the side lines, Amelia frowned slightly. Isaac looked at the calm green mecha as it stared down the eagle.

“Now, Eguls, destroy the Ally of Justice!” With the rider raising his staff, the eagle flapped its wings, and caused a tornado to shoot across the ground, ripping it up until it swallowed the mech, ripping it to shreds, and reducing Isaac’s life to 3600. “And with that, I end.”[/i]

[color=#ff0000]However, I find the lack of "real dialogue" to be a factor in this Duel. Mostly because in my Fan-Fic, my protagonist is a complete genius who can't shut her yap.[/color]

[i]Isaac drew. “I activate my [url="http://images.wikia.com/yugioh/images/1/14/FabledKushanoHA02-EN-SR-1E.jpg"]Fabled Kushano[/url]! I discard [url="http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111031025121/yugioh/images/thumb/b/b4/TheFabledCerburrelHA04-EN-ScR-1E.png/300px-TheFabledCerburrelHA04-EN-ScR-1E.png"]the Fabled Cerburrel[/url], to return Kushano to my hand!” The fiend flew out of the grave, and met Cerburrel as it fell down, pushing itself off the dog, only for its fiend to pull up, and make the red beast land on the field with a high-pitched bark.

“You see, when Cerburrel is discarded, it special summons itself!” The cerberus barked proudly, as its fiend grinned. “Now, that he’s out…” Isaac began, black mist around him as he deposited 2 cards into the grave from his hand. “I send both of my Kushanos in hand to the graveyard, and I special summon [url="http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20101211003008/yugioh/images/thumb/f/f5/FabledSoulkiusHA03-EN-ScR-1E.jpg/300px-FabledSoulkiusHA03-EN-ScR-1E.jpg"]Fabled Soulkius[/url]!”[/i]

[color=#ff0000]MY EYES!!![/color]

[color=#FF0000]I guess I'm just going to have to live with it.[/color]

[i]Large, bat-like wings fanned out behind Isaac, then a pair of upside-down, black angel wings. The mist clouded the area grew deeper, and the monster stood up behind Isaac, a head taller. Its eyes glowed red, before a swing of its 4 wings dispelled the mist, and revealed its full form. It flicked its tail, and moved next to Cerburrel, which growled at Soulkius.

“Now, I’m tuning Cerburrel to Soulkius!” Soulkius spread his wings, turning into 6 lights, as Cerburrel became 2 rings. The process began again, and light filled the rings, a deep chuckle coming from within. “Fallen wings spread through the night, bent on reclaiming their glory! Lead the legions into battle! Find your own way to redemption, [url="http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20100725084417/yugioh/images/thumb/8/87/FabledValkyrusHA02-EN-ScR-1E.jpg/300px-FabledValkyrusHA02-EN-ScR-1E.jpg"]Fabled Valkyrus[/url]!”[/i]

[color=#ff0000]I missed the 5D's era...what with all of the crazy Summon Chants that should be italicized. Not that I'm implying anything, oh master of Fableds...[/color]

[i]The fiend descended, making metallic sounds with its armor. It let out another low chuckle, as a small, red fiend sat on his shoulder, chuckling along with his boss. Valkyrus threw his large arm back, making a card in Isaac’s hand glow, and then go to the graveyard. “I activate Valkyrus by discarding my Fabled Miztoji! I now get to draw 1!”

Isaac drew, and smirked. Black angel wings spread behind his back, and fell apart. “I send my [url="http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110128172951/yugioh/images/thumb/9/90/FabledGrimroHA02-EN-ScR-1E.jpg/300px-FabledGrimroHA02-EN-ScR-1E.jpg"]Fabled Grimro[/url] to the grave to add the Fabled Catsith from my deck to my hand! Then, I activate one Kushano in my grave, to discard [url="http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110422062024/yugioh/images/thumb/e/ed/TheFabledCatsithHA04-EN-SR-1E.jpg/300px-TheFabledCatsithHA04-EN-SR-1E.jpg"]the Fabled Catsith[/url]!” The cat meowed, tail attached to the grave, as it walked up to Eguls. Its tail was yanked on by the fiend in the grave, and it yelped, leaping up, and scratching at the bird, until the bird fell over dead, as Catsith was swallowed by the grave.

“When Catsith is discarded, it destroys 1 face-up card on the field, so It took Eguls with it! Now, Valkyrus, attack him directly! Fallen Legion!” Valkyrus pulled his arm back, and threw it forward, accompanied by a multitude of the red fiend, hitting Daniel with the swarm. His life hit 1100 as the fiends all became one small red fiend again, on Valkyrus’ shoulder. “And now I end.”[/i]

[color=#ff0000]Ahh, the moves you can pull off with Fableds. Especially considering how the last five or six paragraphs was all Isaac's move. With this I must say, I find it a bit excessive. However, I would be contradicting myself at this point, because I once made a Fan-Fic involving the same Deck, except using an OTK.[/color]

[i]Daniel kept a smile on his face as he drew. “Nice show, but how about this? I activate [url="http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20100723104614/yugioh/images/thumb/8/87/OneforOneRGBT-EN-R-1E.jpg/300px-OneforOneRGBT-EN-R-1E.jpg"]One for one[/url]! I send my Kamui, Hope of Gusto to the Graveyard, and special summon [url="http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/yugioh/images/thumb/0/05/GustoEgul-DT05-EN-DNPR-DT.jpg/300px-GustoEgul-DT05-EN-DNPR-DT.jpg"]Gusto Egul[/url] from my deck!”

The small eagle shrieked as it landed, resembling its fallen greater self. “Next, I normal summon [url="http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111031082254/yugioh/images/thumb/8/8c/Caam%2CSerenityofGusto-DT05-EN-DSPR-DT.jpg/300px-Caam%2CSerenityofGusto-DT05-EN-DSPR-DT.jpg"]Caam, Serenity of Gusto[/url]!” The woman landed gracefully landed next to Egul, a contented smile on her face. [/i]

[color=#ff0000]<Smile on her face.[/color]
[color=#FF0000]<In the card art, she looks like she's being raped.[/color]

[color=#FF0000].....probably unnecessary, but it had to be pointed out.[/color]

[i]Her staff glowed, and the fallen bodies of Kamui and Eguls appeared in front of her, becoming pure green wind.

“I activate Caam’s effect, and return these two monster to the deck.” The wind whipped around the staff, before she swung her staff towards Daniel. When the wind hit him, his deck shuffled. “And then I draw 1! Now, I tune Egul to Caam!” The rings and lights appeared once more, and the light filled them once they lined up. Daniel sighed, and began.

“Gales bend and Thunder bows! They come together as one to serve under you, mighty creature of the sky! Tamer and Beast are as one! Arise, [url="http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111022225336/yugioh/images/thumb/5/5a/DaigustoGulldosDT05-EN-DSPR-DT.jpg/300px-DaigustoGulldosDT05-EN-DSPR-DT.jpg"]Daigusto Gulldos[/url]!” The fowl shot through the air, lightning striking behind it, Winda riding the giant Gulldo.[/i]

[i]“Great job, pedo!” She said with a wink and a giggle. Daniel rolled his eyes and waited for the duo to finish their show. Winda raised her staff, and two bolts came from the grave, absorbed into the staff.[/i]

[color=#ff0000]More unnecessary bird-isms. If that's a word....[/color]

[i]“Now, I activate Gulldos’ effect! By returning Caam and Egul to the deck, and…” The bolt shot into the sky, wind whipping around. Black clouds covered above, and Daniel gave his command. “And I get to destroy one face-up monster on the field!” The green bolt shot down from heavens, dwarfing Valkyrus as it obliterated him. “And then Gulldos attacks directly! “ A smaller bolt shocked Isaac, and his life rolled down to 1400. “I set one card and end.”[/i]

[color=#ff0000]This is something I probably forgot to mention before, but the limit for breaking off dialogue for an outside action and then returning to dialogue should be, at most, twice in a paragraph. Meaning:[/color]

[color=#FF0000][quote]"You have this dialogue," followed by this action, which is followed up by this unnecessary detail that I never put in. "Then you have this dialogue," and then you have this action.[/color]

[color=#FF0000]And then you have a paragraph break.[/color][color=#ff0000][/quote][/color]

[color=#ff0000]It makes your writing a little bit neater if you do it this way.[/color]

[i]Isaac drew and pulled Kushano out of his grave. “Now, I activate the other Kushano that was in my grave! I discard [url="http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20100729181602/yugioh/images/thumb/f/fa/FabledLurrieHA02-EN-SR-1E.jpg/300px-FabledLurrieHA02-EN-SR-1E.jpg"]Fabled Lurrie[/url] to add it to my hand, then Lurrie special summons itself!” The fiend popped up from the grave, chuckling, pointing at Daniel, with wings around it like a bat.

“Then I summon Fabled Kushano from my hand!” The androgynous fiend appeared on the field, and brushed off its shoulder. “And now, I’m tuning my Kushano and Lurrie!” Lurrie through his wings wide, becoming a single star as he did, while Kushano opened its book, causing it to become three rings as it read. “Gallop through the heavens you were cast out of and destroy those who oppose you! Bend them to your will, cripple their powers! Appear in the afterglow of grace, [url="http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110526112040/yugioh/images/thumb/4/45/TheFabledUnicoreHA04-EN-ScR-1E.png/300px-TheFabledUnicoreHA04-EN-ScR-1E.png"]the Fabled Unicore[/url]!”[/i]

[color=#ff0000]For being a TCG Regular, you certainly have a way with words...[/color]

[i]The white horse galloped onto the field, it’s white fiend riding leisurely on its back, relaxed, as it charged, stopping beside Isaac, towering over him. Before Isaac could move, Daniel responded. “I activate [url="http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110422062850/yugioh/images/thumb/8/88/BottomlessTrapHoleSDDL-EN-C-1E.jpg/300px-BottomlessTrapHoleSDDL-EN-C-1E.jpg"]Bottomless Trap H-[/url]” Before he finished, Unicore’s horn glowed, and the trap was disintegrated. “What the hell was that?!”

“Unicore negates all card effects you control, as long as I have the same number of cards in my hand as you.” Isaac raised the one card in his hand, and Daniel looked at his own, muttering under his breath. “Now, Unicore, destroy Gulldos!” The unicorn charged, stabbing the bird in the chest, destroying it, and then Winda. Daniel’s life rolled down to 1000, and Isaac ended.

“Alright, here’s my comeba- Dammit!” Daniel spat. “I was hoping to use this differently, but… Here we go! [url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Shock_Wave"]Shock Wave[/url] activate!” The trap raised up, and shot a red lightning at Unicore, ripping it apart with waves from inside, that hit both players. Their life points hit 0 at the same time, and the scene faded.

“… Wow.” Amelia let out her breath. “That was unexpected.”[/i]

[color=#ff0000]PLOT DEVICE TRAP CARD, ACTIVATE! NOW THE DUEL COMES TO A DRAW, AND I WIN![/color]

[color=#FF0000]Also:[/color]

[color=#ff0000][size=8][font=tahoma,geneva,sans-serif]E[/font][/size][/color][color=#ff8c00][size=8]X[/size][/color][size=8][color=#FFFF00]P[/color][color=#00ff00]O[/color][color=#00ffff]S[/color][color=#0000ff]I[/color][color=#800080]T[/color][color=#0000ff]I[/color][color=#00ff00]O[/color][color=#ff8c00]N[/color][/size] [color=#ff0000][size=8]RAINBOW!!!!!!!![/size][/color]

[color=#ff0000]Alright, now I am going to switch back to the argument side of things, because arguments fill 80% of our daily lives.[/color]

[font=Arial][size=4][font=Arial][size=4]Why did you call Isaac, “the senior”? What’s the point? You’ve already said that at the beginning.[/size][/font]

[b]You really are dense, eh? It's jsut a way to avoid he, and if you can't understand how he's a senior...[/b][/size][/font]

[color=#ff0000]Although "he" would be used better in this type of situation. Pronouns reduce confusion. /themoreyouknow.[/color]

[font=Arial][size=4][font=Arial][size=4]Groans are more like moans. “Shut up, Sarah” isn’t a groan nor a moan. [/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][b]You must not read a lot. I know what a groan is, but that's not an uncommon verb after a sentence.[/b][/size][/font][/size][/font]

[color=#ff0000]I can't believe that you would nitpick at something like this. Time and time again, you have shown complete disregard for even making any fixes or changes to the writing, and have continually dove off the shallow end of the pool due to your idiocy.[/color]

[font=Arial][size=4][font=Arial][size=4]Snapping can refer to the snapping of fingers. It could be the snapping of breaking. Also, something semi-interesting actually happened! Yay![/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][b]>Implying snapping isn't a verbal noun[/b][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][b]Really, get your head out of your ass.[/b][/size][/font][/size][/font]

[color=#ff0000]My God...I was starting to think that there was going to be a shred of hope in the Fan-Fiction section again.[/color]

[font=Arial][size=4][font=Arial][size=4]Oh look, the book had more description the characters. At least we know it’s featureless for sure, but the characters might as well be described as featureless. I feel like I just read a retelling of a hangout of a group of yugioh nerds, and that Daniel is just a special child with an imaginary friend. [/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4]I’ve said it again and again, but I’ll say it one more time. There’s no description. The dialogue is boring. The characters barely show any personality. The only person who isn’t a walking rock is Amy who’s just a cliche girl fallen in love with a guy who doesn’t love her. There’s probably a thousand more Amy’s in the real world, let alone the fiction world. And finally, where’s the plot? Why is it called Cosmic Path? [/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][b]I'll say it again- Name 5 SUCCESFUL BOOKS that start the plot full power in chapter 1. It's somethign that's gonna be revealed over the story, nto all at once.[/b][/size][/font][/size][/font]

[color=#ff0000]First Chapter schpiel.[/color]

[font=Arial][size=4][font=Arial][size=4]This whole chapter was a waste. I could have written the most important things that you mentioned in probably one paragraph and actually start the plot instead of writing the boring unnecessarily long duel.[/size][/font][/size][/font]

[color=#ff0000]Well, where are they? Oh, right, they're hidden underneath all of those blatant idiotic remarks that you made that degraded the story's potential.[/color]

[font=Arial][size=4][font=Arial][size=4]And no, I shouldn’t be forced to read the thing under the Bio spoiler. You should be able to find a way to put the description in the story, but it’s not just the characters. There’s next to no description of the setting. Really, this didn’t need a full commentary. I could’ve saved more time since all the complaints I had could have been said in a few paragraphs, but oh well. [/size][/font]

[b]Bios are just info compiling. Nothing there that's not in the chapter, really.[/b][/size][/font]

[color=#ff0000]I feel like....I have to agree with this statement, despite everything I've said about Twig's remarks about the Fan-Fiction so far. Bios are not needed. You have to tell us what the characters act like, sound like, look like, feel like, and what they might develop into over the course of the story, without referring to some pictures or biography explaining their whole life's story in a few paragraphs. That's saved for the RP forums.[/color]

[color=#FF0000]Well, that was a long struggle. It always is trying to settle a debate between someone who is right (on most parts) and between someone who is wrong (on most parts). Twig, go back to 7th Grade English. Yuzuru, you have Firefox (I've seen it before), so there is no reason why you can't spend ten minutes looking over your piece to find spelling errors. Even in your feedback to Twig, there were spelling errors, in which full-blown writers like me have an extreme pet peeve over.[/color]

[color=#FF0000]Alright, now that that is done, I'm signing off.[/color]

[color=#FF0000]If you have additional Chapters that you need beta-reading, simply PM them to me and I will give you a full review, without mindless idiots getting in your way.[/color][/quote]

[color=#ff0000]EDIT: I spent a total of 2 hours on this. I deserve some goddamn Reps.[/color]

[bury the year]

Nero, stop flaming and get off your high horse. Twig, Yuzuru, stop arguing. Do I need to ban you all for a day? >:I

Now that I've gone and gotten that out of the way, I agree with Twig.

[b]Description[/b] - Hyperlinking characters' names to (arbitrary anime) images of them in the middle of the text is bad form. If this were a real published novel, you'd be unable to do that, and therefore the readers would be left with no clue as to what their characters look like. I'm certainly not going to be bothered to open 10+ tabs to continue reading. That said, you don't need anything excessive: 2-3 sentences on details and then an overall summary of their "look" would work. (Also, whoever said monsters warrant more description than characters is wrong. Give them both.)

[b]Plot[/b] - There's nothing unique about chapter 1 to hint at future developments. Even an Omniscient Council of Vagueness' plotting would be better. All there is now is Duel Spirits, which is acknowledged as part of canon and therefore doesn't count, and some weird mention of "governors" which was only a throwaway detail and may not even be part of it. There is nothing intriguing about the plot to make me want to continue, which combined with the blandness of the writing isn't a good sign.

[b]Dialogue[/b] - All three of you, read TvTropes' entry on [url="http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/RealisticDictionIsUnrealistic"]Realistic Diction is Unrealistic[/url]. If you really want to write natural dialogue, that's a good guide of points you should include.

[Twig]

Near the end, I started nitpicking because, like I've said, I've said all the things that need to be said. I should've just skipped once I couldn't say anything more important, but I wanted to keep going thinking that maybe there's one big thing I can critique.

The thing that bothered me the most was there was no real point to this chapter besides introducing Amy's crush and Daniel's duel spirit. <---That could have been my whole review right there.

Also, you guys must understand that I have nothing against you. I just don't like your fan-fic, but that doesn't mean I hate you. No need to get defensive. <3

[Not-so-Radiant Arin]

[quote name='Kyubey' timestamp='1322420998' post='5669797']
[b]Dialogue[/b] - All three of you, read TvTropes' entry on [url="http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/RealisticDictionIsUnrealistic"]Realistic Diction is Unrealistic[/url]. If you really want to write natural dialogue, that's a good guide of points you should include.
[/quote]

I must disagree.

"Quick! Behind you!" is much better than "He shouted to his friend to turn around quickly."

It's more lively if you write like how we speak in real life, because once your main character goes off into a tangent, you could just say "Shut up. I've heard it before."

EDIT: I also find tvtropes to be a bad example. If you have a trustworthy book, like Oscar Collier's "How to Write and Sell your First Novel", like I do, you don't need tvtropes.

[Twig]

[quote name='Dante v. Nero' timestamp='1322424435' post='5669914']
I must disagree.

"Quick! Behind you!" is much better than "He shouted to his friend to turn around quickly."
[/quote]

"He shouted to his friend to turn around quickly." isn't even dialogue. That's narration. Care to give a better example?

[bury the year]

[quote name='Dante v. Nero' timestamp='1322424435' post='5669914']
"Quick! Behind you!" is much better than "He shouted to his friend to turn around quickly."[/quote]

In which you are comparing apples and oranges. The first is dialogue, the second description. Each is appropriate at its own time.

[Fusion X. Denver]

[quote name='Kyubey' timestamp='1322420998' post='5669797']
[b]Dialogue[/b] - All three of you, read TvTropes' entry on [url="http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/RealisticDictionIsUnrealistic"]Realistic Diction is Unrealistic[/url]. If you really want to write natural dialogue, that's a good guide of points you should include.
[/quote]

Huh...
Thanks, I learned a lot from that. Wish I was aware of this before writing my fic...
Although, I think "polished" realistic dialogue is even more effective. Brian Michael Bendis (well-known comics writer for Marvel) is almost a genius at it and I think it's much more effective than simple narration.
[spoiler=Best example I could find]
[img]http://www.adherents.com/lit/comics/image/Lizard_2.jpg[/img][/spoiler]
Of course, not everything would work in literary form, but I still think there's something to it.

ANYways, to Cosmic Path.
I'll say one thing, your duels are much easier to follow than last time. And even though hyperlinking's been discouraged, I personally like checking the cards since I'm only a casual DM player and I appreciate knowing the appearance and effects from the image, I just tend to gloss over the stuff that's repeated in the narration. I realize I'm a minority here, but still, I kinda appreciate you doing that.

Trying to remember what other people said since I read all the comments a few hours ago...
Even though you hyperlink appearances, I still think it's a good idea to add a bit of description too. It gets you into the habit (which is a good habit) and it exercises your creative thinking...though you might feel lazy, that was my problem. Give it a try though.
As for the actual story, well, it's true that there's nothing much grabbing you yet. But then again, this is something where chapters are released one at a time. It's harder to hook readers from the get-go and this isn't a manga where you have like 60 pages to work with in order to establish a story. Still, maybe you should try spicing things up next chapter so people who gave this two chapters' chance will become hooked =P

Don't think there's much else to say. Course I'll stick around for later chapters, because I'm confident this can only get better.
But...
WHY
O WHY O WHY
IS EL 31?
I know I joked about him actually being an old guy, but...
IT DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT ;~;

Trying to remember who Luke was...think it was Roxas, but my memory's hazy.

Oh yeah, I forgot to say:
That opening and ending is smex.
I'm adding both to the iPod when I get home.

[DL]

[quote name='Fusion X. Denver' timestamp='1322439836' post='5670688']
Huh...
Thanks, I learned a lot from that. Wish I was aware of this before writing my fic...
Although, I think "polished" realistic dialogue is even more effective. Brian Michael Bendis (well-known comics writer for Marvel) is almost a genius at it and I think it's much more effective than simple narration.
[spoiler=Best example I could find]
[img]http://www.adherents.com/lit/comics/image/Lizard_2.jpg[/img][/spoiler]
Of course, not everything would work in literary form, but I still think there's something to it.

ANYways, to Cosmic Path.
I'll say one thing, your duels are much easier to follow than last time. And even though hyperlinking's been discouraged, I personally like checking the cards since I'm only a casual DM player and I appreciate knowing the appearance and effects from the image, I just tend to gloss over the stuff that's repeated in the narration. I realize I'm a minority here, but still, I kinda appreciate you doing that.

Trying to remember what other people said since I read all the comments a few hours ago...
Even though you hyperlink appearances, I still think it's a good idea to add a bit of description too. It gets you into the habit (which is a good habit) and it exercises your creative thinking...though you might feel lazy, that was my problem. Give it a try though.
As for the actual story, well, it's true that there's nothing much grabbing you yet. But then again, this is something where chapters are released one at a time. It's harder to hook readers from the get-go and this isn't a manga where you have like 60 pages to work with in order to establish a story. Still, maybe you should try spicing things up next chapter so people who gave this two chapters' chance will become hooked =P

Don't think there's much else to say. Course I'll stick around for later chapters, because I'm confident this can only get better.
But...
WHY
O WHY O WHY
IS EL 31?
I know I joked about him actually being an old guy, but...
IT DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT ;~;

Trying to remember who Luke was...think it was Roxas, but my memory's hazy.

Oh yeah, I forgot to say:
That opening and ending is smex.
I'm adding both to the iPod when I get home.
[/quote]
Lololol31

He's not the only Set- *shot*

opening is DN Angel theme

CHECK OUT DA ORIGINAL

IT BETTER

by a bit

imo

[bury the year]

[quote name='Fusion X. Denver' timestamp='1322439836' post='5670688'][spoiler=Best example I could find]
[img]http://www.adherents.com/lit/comics/image/Lizard_2.jpg[/img][/spoiler][/quote]

I don't deny that polished dialogue is better: in fact, it's probably the best option out of the three, because putting too much idiosyncrasy into speech can make it nigh unreadable. However, the list I provided should be used to at least provide some quirk to speech, because even heavily-accented stuff is better than just wooden.

[Blake]

Will be working on chapter 2, more, once I get past this flu ><

[~Hero of Sky~Link]

Wonderful truly remarkable storyline, I really liked it. Can't wait for Chapter 2!!!

[Aviv: D's Knight]

Could you add me, 11, eccentric, either loves or is getting bored with the game, pro?

[Blake]

Only been a couple weeks, and been really busy with finals and going home, but working on Chapter 2.