Of Light and Darkness (An original story)

[PikMan]

This was created by me, hear? I didn't base it on anything, except maybe Final Fantasy. But that's besides the point. I came up with this story at random one day and decided to write about it. Well, here it is. (And if it sucks, just let me know, I'm kinda used to criticism by now.) And just a word of warning, I have a bad habit of lampshading myself.

[spoiler=Chapter 1: The Crystal and Catastrophe]
Autumn woke up one morning with a bad feeling. He had always known that he had a strange talent for predicting bad things. So when the feeling today was stronger than usual, he began to worry. After putting on his thick red clothing, he went outside into the snow to see if he could figure out what it was this time. And just in time, too; He noticed what appeared to be a shooting star falling into the distance.

Autumn was named because of his red hair. Well, it's only mostly red, as most of the hair up front was white. In fact, aside from that, he seemed to be nothing but red. His skin was pretty normal, but everything else... He had red eyes and mostly wore red clothing. Due to his home being up north, his normal attire consisted of a thich red shirt, dark red pants, and a white scarf.

His hometown Whitford was an especially quiet town located in the far north, in a snowy valley in the middle of some mountains. Oftentimes there was a blizzard ravaging the area, but today there wasn't a cloud in the sky, so as a result everyone in town saw the falling star. The buildings were all made of blueish-grey bricks and each had a dark brown roof.

Around him, Autumn heard things such as "What is it?" and "It couldn't be just a shooting star."

"Eh, it's probably just a trick of the light," said Winter. Winter was the town bully and, ironically enough, Autumn's brother. It's a real shame, too, because Autumn was a nice guy, if a little withdrawn. Winter was as blue as Autumn was red, right down to having blue hair.

I'm not so sure, Autumn thought. So later that day, Autumn left in the direction of the supposed falling star. About an hour later, Autumn returned, and he had with him a small, pure white crystal...


The next day was when it happened. Winter woke up Autumn early that morning.

"Autumn, the rest of the town just saw yet another falling star. It might be another one of those crystals," he said. Autumn, got up, but stopped briefly when he noticed a slight burn mark on Winter's palm. Autumn started moving again, and something prompted him to grab the crystal on the way out. And it's a good thing he did.

The brothers went out into the open, and eventually ended up at a place Autumn hadn't been before. "So... You sure it was here?" Autumn was a little worried. Something wasn't quite right about the situation, but even though Winter was a jerk, he was still his brother.

Winter shrugged. "Pretty sure. It may have been buried in the snow. Try digging around a little bit."

Autumn proceeded to do so, but realized too late he wasn't standing on solid ground; Rather, it was ice. Suddenly the ice cracked under his weight, and Autumn fell in.

Luckily, it wasn't a frozen lake. It was simply a cave. Unfortunately, it was a fairly deep cave, and Autumn fell for about 2 seconds before he hit the ground, which was actually ground this time. Autumn fell unconcious from the fall.


Autumn woke up about an hour later. He noticed that he was next to a campfire, and the next thing he realized, he wasn't alone.

"About time you woke up." The man was about 17, and had silver hair and wore mostly blue. Specifically, he wore a dark blue coat with black pants and a black cape, and wore a blue fedora hat with a feather sticking out of it.

"You were lying here for a while. You might've got hypothermia if you had laid there for just a little bit more."

Autumn got up. He didn't know what to make of him, but he did save his life, so he decided to trust him. "Well, uh... thanks. So, mister, do you know which way's out?"

The mysterious blue man gestured to a nearby passage, partially hidden by the shadows. Autumn ran through. "OK, thanks! By the way, what's your name?"

"I'll tell you some other time. We will meet again, you can be sure of that."


Autumn ran back in the direction of Whitford... and stopped dead in his tracks. Whitford was completely on fire. His home, his entire town, was soon to be reduced to a smoldering crater. Seeing as how we've all seen this cliche about a million times, I'll just skip the gory details.

All sorts of questions popped into Autumn's head. Who did this? And why? Does that blue guy have something to do with this? And what happened to Winter...?

The only choice he had was to turn around and wander aimlessly, his crystal in tow.


Far to the south was the town of Falvien. It was a more green climate, but still pretty chilly. Unlike the blue buildings of Whitford, this town was more green, but still had the same basic appearance. Autumn sat by himself in a cafe, wondering what to do next. He took out his crystal and held it in his hands. It had a calming effect on him.

Unknown to him, the faint light drew the attention of two people. One of them wore a black cloak, and you couldn't see his/her face.

The other one was a girl about Autumn's age. She had short brown hair, blue eyes, and had a few freckles on her face. She wore a greenish-blue shirt and a white skirt that want a few inches past her knees.

After noticing the crystal, the girl scribbled something on a piece of paper, crumpled it up, and tossed it over to Autumn.

Autumn took the paper in his hands. He looked behind him to try and see who it was that threw it, but he couldn't tell. It might've been that hooded fella, he thought.

He opened it up, and this is what it said:

[i]"Meet me behind the cafe in 20 minutes."[/i]

Autumn decided that whatever it was, it would have something to do with both his crystal, and the incident at Whitford. And wouldn't you know, he was right.[/spoiler]

[Dr. Cakey]

This should probably be on the order of twice as long. I'm pretty sure you wrote better than this the last time I read something of yours. The "lampshading" commentary serves only to make the story bad enough to be worth commenting on.

[PikMan]

@Dr. Cakey-Chan
Sorry about that, it's just a bad habit of mine. I should probably go back and remove all of those self-criticisms.

[Twig]

[spoiler=Chapter 1: The Crystal and Catastrophe]
[i]Autumn woke up one morning with a bad feeling. He had always known that he had a strange talent for predicting bad things. So when the feeling today was stronger than usual, he began to worry. After putting on his thick red clothing, he went outside into the snow to see if he could figure out what it was this time. And just in time, too; He noticed what appeared to be a shooting star falling into the distance.[/i]

It has started well enough. Although, I'd like to point out "character wakes up one (insert time here) with a (insert object here)" is cliche. The way you worded it doesn't sound interesting either. A "bad feeling" could be anything: stomach ache, head ache, nervousness, pain, etc. I'm pretty sure something could replace "bad feeling." A google for a synonym or a thesaurus can easily find you a good word. For example, you could say "with a feeling of uneasiness." There's also "anxiety", "angst", and "foreboding". If you can, you could also replace all your telling with showing. It would also help to understand the setting. For example, instead of saying "one morning", you can say "Autumn woke up to a bright glaring sun with a blah blah blah." Of course, I don't know where we are or what season it is. Where I live, mornings are pretty gray in the winter and bright in the summer. Which brings me to the next point, I'm not sure if the sky is dim enough to see a shooting star or it's possible to see the shooting star in a bright morning star. I'm going to assume the sky is dim since I thinks it's winter because of the snow.

[i]Autumn was named because of his red hair. Well, it's only mostly red, as most of the hair up front was white. In fact, aside from that, he seemed to be nothing but red. His skin was pretty normal, but everything else... He had red eyes and mostly wore red clothing. Due to his home being up north, his normal attire consisted of a thich red shirt, dark red pants, and a white scarf.[/i]

Red red red red red red red. Having read all those reds I just wrote, do you understand why readers who read this paragraph feel that that've read enough reds? You know there's synonyms for red? Cherry, rose, crimson, scarlet...Also, this paragraph is the equivalent to a scene in that one movie where characters talk to each other about what happened in their past to establish some characterization and or plot. It's boring and you can't relate to the characters. More showing less telling. It was really obvious too. Usually, when you tell instead of show, you want to make it seamless. But here, one moment we're getting foreshadowing about some shooting star and suddenly we're bombarded with red. It ruined the flow.

Spellcheck. I won't tell you where you made the mistake, but it should be an easy find.

[i]His hometown Whitford was an especially quiet town located in the far north, in a snowy valley in the middle of some mountains. Oftentimes there was a blizzard ravaging the area, but today there wasn't a cloud in the sky, so as a result everyone in town saw the falling star. The buildings were all made of blueish-grey bricks and each had a dark brown roof.[/i]

Again, the flow is weird. See the topics so far in order. Worry-Shooting Star- Red red red- hometown- Shooting star- then suddenly, DESCRIPTION OF THE BUILDINGS! See how that came out of no where? Ok, maybe the caps lock exaggerated it, but still. Also, you're not showing enough. At least be seamless if you're going to just tell.

[i]Around him, Autumn heard things such as "What is it?" and "It couldn't be just a shooting star."

"Eh, it's probably just a trick of the light," said Winter. Winter was the town bully and, ironically enough, Autumn's brother. It's a real shame, too, because Autumn was a nice guy, if a little withdrawn. Winter was as blue as Autumn was red, right down to having blue hair.[/i]

You know what I feel when I read this? It's like I'm watching a movie, but then you have to pause the movie to tell us some background information. Why couldn't you include the information in the movie? But how do you do this?! Well it's simple. Give examples instead of just telling us. Like instead of saying, he's the town bully, show him teasing a kid or something. And when you're describing their attire, you can have some other character laugh at their monotone color. Oh hey, maybe that character might be the kid Winter is going to bully because he/she made fun of him. Simple, right? No? Yes? Maybe, so?

[i]I'm not so sure, Autumn thought. So later that day, Autumn left in the direction of the supposed falling star. About an hour later, Autumn returned, and he had with him a small, pure white crystal...[/i]

Let's go back to pretending this a movie, but now, instead of pausing the movie, you skip a whole scene. There's lots of space that could have been used to characterize.


[i]The next day was when it happened. Winter woke up Autumn early that morning.

"Autumn, the rest of the town just saw yet another falling star. It might be another one of those crystals," he said. Autumn, got up, but stopped briefly when he noticed a slight burn mark on Winter's palm. Autumn started moving again, and something prompted him to grab the crystal on the way out. And it's a good thing he did.[/i]

The way Winter has talked and acted doesn't show any personality at all. How did he wake Autumn up? Did he beat him with a pillow? Scream at his ears?

[i]The brothers went out into the open, and eventually ended up at a place Autumn hadn't been before. "So... You sure it was here?" Autumn was a little worried. Something wasn't quite right about the situation, but even though Winter was a jerk, he was still his brother.

Winter shrugged. "Pretty sure. It may have been buried in the snow. Try digging around a little bit."[/i]

I still haven't seen Winter being a bully. Also, "went out into the open" is just laziness. Describe the setting at least. "Ended up at a place Autumn hadn't been before" Are we just supposed to imagine there's just snow everywhere that's all to see?

I've ran out of time. I'll try to finish some time. Overall, it's been very bland. That's all I'll say for now since I haven't finished reading all of it.
[/spoiler]

Edit:

There's a lot to say, but I don't have time. So I'll just do a quick run down.

-You suddenly changed point of views. (Using "I'll)
-It feels super rushed. There's even a point where you admit you skipped a scene. It doesn't have to be about details of gore. It could be used to show Autumn's emotions about the whole incident because right now, he has no personality. He didn't even sound surprised when he woke up next to a man.
-More showing. Stop doing descriptions like (The noun/character is clothed like this or colored like this or shaped liked this)
-Use a thesaurus. Very helpful to find more interesting replacements for uninteresting words.
-Take your time.