Yu-Gi-Oh! Rise of the Titans (Need better name suggestions!) (Chapter 1 up)

[Squidward Tentacles]

My first fanfic in a while, please enjoy. A special thanks to my beta reader, Anger Level, and to any readers.



[spoiler='Chapter 1 - A Missing Memory']
I remember a harsh voice cackling, and the clang of steel. Then everything went black, and I don’t know what happened next.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I woke up, not remembering anything, except my name. I was sprawled across the ground, on what seemed to be a stone floor. My eyes were blurry, but I could still see colours… somewhat. On my arm, a metallic, crescent-shaped device was attached. I was trying to recall what it was or why it was
there, but my mind was blank. Then, my eyes fully came into focus.

I was in a large, dusty warehouse, nearly stacked to the top with boxes, cylinders, and other storage units. I felt as if I should know the place, but again, my mind was blank. But I could sense another presence in the warehouse with me. I heard shuffling and growling, and I was sure it was malevolent. I slowly rose from the floor, and the shuffling was getting closer.

I knew I had to get out of there. I cocked my head in the direction the sound was coming from, and I saw a shadow creeping toward a box. I turned and ran. I then heard a deep voice shout, “I KNOW YOU’RE IN HERE!” It shook the entire warehouse, “YOU CAN’T HIDE FROM ME!”

I’m not hiding, I thought. I’m running! But the shuffling seemed to keep getting closer. I finally sighed with exasperation. It was no use running; I would eventually be caught. I turned around and faced my pursuer. “Alright!” I shouted, “Who are you, and what do you want?!”

“BWAHAHAH! IT’S BEEN FOREVER SINCE SOMEONE HAS STOOD UP TO ME!” The entity laughed. “ALRIGHT. I AM BRONTES!” As he announced his name, a peal of thunder echoed from somewhere in the distance. I finally got a good look at him.

He stood at least fifteen feet tall, stooped over so not to hit his head, with olive skin, a single eye in the middle of his head, and was clad in chain mail armor. “Alright,” I replied coldly. “What do you want, then?” The Cyclops smiled sinisterly, revealing sharp, pointed teeth. “Mm… my next meal has some spunk…” He murmured.

“Whoa!” I shouted. “No way am I going to be your next meal!” The Cyclops fixed me with an interested stare. “Hmm… I see you’re a duelist…” He said finally. “It’s settled, then. We duel. If you win, which is virtually impossible, I’ll set you free. But… if I win, you become my next meal.”
I nodded, “Fair enough, but I don’t exactly remember how to-” “NO EXCUSES!” the Cyclops bellowed. “DUEL, NOW!” Suddenly, a yellow, lightning bolt-shaped Duel Disk appeared on his arm.

[center][b]ME: 4000 LP / BRONTES: 4000 LP[/b][/center]

“I’ll go first!” I shouted, drawing a card from my Deck. “I’ll start out with… Dark Grepher (1700 ATK) in Attack Mode! I’ll discard one Level Five or higher DARK monster -I’ll go with Darklord Superbia- and I can Special Summon it!”

“Sure aren’t acting like you forgot how to duel,” I heard Brontes mutter as a knight with dark hair and dark skin. I shrugged it off. “Next, I activate Revenge of the Fallen Angel! I banish one DARK monster in my Hand, and I can revive Darklord Superbia (2900 ATK) in Attack Mode!”

A large, black entity in the form of a pot with wings rose from the ground. “Now, since it was Special Summoned from the Graveyard, I can Special Summon another Darklord! I’ll choose Darklord Zerato (2800 ATK) in Attack Mode!” I shouted, watching another black entity with red wings and a sword-arm rise out of the mouth of the pot that was Superbia.

“I one card face-down, and end my turn… which means that Superbia goes back to the grave.” I said somberly.

A peal of thunder echoed as Brontes drew a card. “I SUMMON THE ALMIGHTY THUNDER CYCLOPS (1800 ATK) IN ATTACK MODE!” Brontes bellowed as a yellow-skinned creature, much like Brontes himself, (except much, much smaller) appeared. “NOW, THUNDER CYCLOPS! ATTACK DARK GREPHER!”

The yellow Cyclops stretched out his palms, and an arc of electricity lashed out and surged toward Dark Grepher, who was consumed in a net of lightning. It quickly tightened around him before squeezing Grepher into pixels. “Humph,” I pouted. “A sacrifice that will be avenged…”

[center][b]ME: 3900 LP / BRONTES: 4000[/b][/center]

“RAAA!” the Cyclops roared. “I PLACE THREE FACE-DOWNS AND END MY TURN!”

“Draw!” I shouted, probably louder than I should have. “I summon Dark Crusader (1600 ATK) in Attack Mode!” A skeleton-like creature in dark robes appeared out of a newly-formed fissure.

“NO!” Brontes shouted. “I WILL NOT ALLOW THAT! BOTTOMLESS TRAP HOLE!”

“Ha,” I scoffed. “I activate Dark Bribe. Bottomless Trap Hole gets negated, but you get one extra card.” I could see that I shut Brontes up for now. “Next, I activate Dark Crusader’s effect. I discard one DARK monster, Blackwing - Vayu the Emblem of Honor (800 ATK), and Dark Crusader gains 400 ATK points!”

Dark Crusader 1600 ATK -> 2000 ATK

“Now, Dark Crusader,” I continued. “Attack Thunder Cyclops!”

The skeleton pulled out a large sword, and charged toward the yellow Cyclops.

“NO! I WILL NOW ACTIVATE MAGIC CYLINDER!” Brontes bellowed. “YOU TAKE DAMAGE EQUAL TO CRUSADER’S ATK!”

[center][b]ME: 1900 LP / BRONTES: 4000 LP[/b][/center]

“So your monster is safe…” I muttered grouchily. “For now.” I analyzed the situation: I had no cards in my hand, two monsters more than my opponent, my opponent had two face-downs that I have no counter for, and I couldn’t take another hit from a Magic Cylinder. “Zerato, attack Thunder Cyclops! This time, Sparky here won’t survive!”

The entity with a sword-arm flew forward, and stabbed the yellow Cyclops in the chest.

[center][b]ME: 1900 LP / BRONTES: 3000 LP[/b][/center]

“NOT GOOD ENOUGH!” Brontes roared gruffly. “YOU CAN’T DEFEAT ME WITH MOVES LIKE THAT!”

“Took you down a notch, though, didn’t it?” I asked gloatingly. “You aren’t going to survive next time,”

“WE’LL SEE,” Brontes muttered, hiding the slightest grin.

“End turn,” I said.

“DRAW.” Brontes said. “I ACTIVATE HAMMER SHOT! DARKLORD ZERATO IS DESTROYED!”

“No,” I breathed as a hammer struck Zerato, smashing it into the ground.

“NEXT, I ACTIVATE THUNDER CALLING! I BANISH ONE THUNDER-TYPE MONSTER IN MY GRAVEYARD,” Brontes lost control of the grin. “AND I CAN SUMMON THREE LEVEL FOUR THUNDER-TYPE MONSTERS FROM MY DECK!” Another peal of thunder. “I CHOOSE THREE BATTERYMAN AAA (0 ATK each) IN ATTACK MODE!”

“Zero ATK?” I scoff in disbelief. “No match for Crusader,”

“NOT YET!” Brontes shouted. “I OVERLAY ALL THREE TO SUMMON A RANK 4 XYZ MONSTER, NUMBER 28: GIGASHOCK CYCLOPS (3100 ATK) IN ATTACK MODE!”

A large yellow Cyclops, much larger than Thunder Cyclops, appeared as a lightning bolt hit the ground.

“GIGASHOCK! STRIKE DOWN DARK CRUSADER!”

The Cyclops raised his hands, and a bolt of lightning streaked out, crashing into Dark Crusader, destroying him.

[center][b]ME: 800 / BRONTES: 3000[/b][/center]

“BWAHAHAH! YOU’RE PATHETIC!” Brontes laughed. “I END MY TURN!”

“D-draw…” I muttered. “I place a face-down card, and end my turn.”

“THAT’S ALL YOU CAN DO?!” The Cyclops laughed, drawing a card. “GIGASHOCK! ATTACK DIRECTLY! THUNDEROUS ENDING!”

I smiled. “Humph… looks like you lose.”

“WHAT?!” Brontes roared indignantly. “DO YOU INSULT ME?!”

“No. I’m just going to win with this: my own Magic Cylinder!”

Gigashock Cyclops threw a lightning bolt, but it was deflected back at Brontes.
“NOOO!” Brontes shouted. “I CAN’T LOSE!”

[center][b]ME: 800 LP / BRONTES: 0 LP[/b][/center]

I won my first duel that I could remember… and managed to not get eaten by a one-eyed psycho.
Brontes collapsed to the ground, muttering, “NO… I CAN’T LOSE…” over and over, until, finally, he collapsed into dust.

“That was a very good duel,” A gruff voice behind me said. “I heard you have no memory, as well…”
I turned around to see a man with gold skin covered in a black suit standing on top of a crate. “I am Iapetus,” he said. “And I can give you back your memory.”

“Okay…?”

“For a price,” he said. “I need you to take care of a few of my old ‘friends.’” there was a bit of a his on “friends.” “Duel them. Defeat them. Then, I will give you back your memory. By the way, what [i]is[/i] your name?”

“Alright,” I said finally, walking over to him. "Jason Thorne,"

“Come with me, Jason.” was his reply, and we walked out of the building, Brontes’s dust flying in the air.

There was something sinister about Iapetus, but I didn't care.

I wanted my memory back.[/spoiler]

[Squidward Tentacles]

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[Squidward Tentacles]

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[Squidward Tentacles]

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[Not-so-Radiant Arin]

[size=7][font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif]~~Going with Something Different: [color=#ff0000]The Writer Formerly Known as Devil's Advocate's "Heartfelt" Review~~[/color][/font][/size]

[size=7][font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif][color=#FF0000][size=4][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]So, whenever I am trying to type something, I like to kick back and think that I am incredibly talented and that I can take on anything in the world! I simply sit in my relaxing massage chair (which still warms me even though the Heat setting is turned completely off), stroke the keys on my laptop computer (WHICH IS TOTAL CRAP!) and type away at a leisurely pace (2 words per minute). Joking aside of course (parenthetical statements aside of course), by stepping into the world of writing, you have taken the first steps on an epic quest of achieving a higher state of renown, of which you can share with your friends.[/font][/size][/color][/font][/size]

[size=7][font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif][color=#FF0000][size=4][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]My reviewing and critiquing services have been around for quite some time, but it is rare to see me review more than one story a week. Well, this week, I have reviewed a total of three stories, one that was PM'ed to me and two that I happened to stumble across. My newest travels have brought me to this new Fan-Fiction, made by Ollie Williams (Yes, the man from Family Guy who is always on Speed), which is titled "Yu-Gi-Oh! Rise of the Titans". Congratulations on spelling the title right, for this goes to show that you might actually be in the top 10% of the "Smart" List by the time I am done reviewing this Fan-Fiction.[/font][/size][/color][/font][/size]

[size=7][font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif][color=#FF0000][size=4][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]As you may know, my reviewing scheme is incredibly critical and brutal. So don't cry.[/font][/size][/color][/font][/size]

[size=7][font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif][color=#FF0000][size=4][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Anyway, let's dive in.[/font][/size][/color][/font][/size]

[i]I remember a harsh voice cackling, and the clang of steel. Then everything went black, and I don’t know what happened next.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------[/i]

[color=#ff0000]I've seen better Clincher sentences. This one definitely should have lasted a lot longer. Now I am just tempted to leave my workspace and move on to the next Fan-Fiction to review. [/color]

[color=#FF0000]I can understand your use for the quasi-Paragraph break in the first paragraph which is all due to the infamous Center Bug on YCM, but in honesty, it isn't really necessary, not right after the Clincher Sentence. Right, moving ever onward.....[/color]

[i]I woke up, not remembering anything, except my name. I was sprawled across the ground, on what seemed to be a stone floor. My eyes were blurry, but I could still see colours… somewhat. On my arm, a metallic, crescent-shaped device was attached. I was trying to recall what it was or why it was
there, but my mind was blank. Then, my eyes fully came into focus.[/i]

[color=#ff0000]Aha! More First Person Perspective. Well, the last Fan-Fiction on here that I reviewed used the same exact Perspective, but was used in more of a Dramatic Story, rather and a Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan-Fiction. Let me be the first to tell you that First-Person looks simple, but it isn't. The "I", "me", "myself", and "our" can get incredibly distracting at times, and you are only limited to what the person sees, feels, hears, or senses. Credit to Oscar Collier for that remark.[/color]

[color=#FF0000]However, the setting, and the timing of which you give it off, could use a bit of polishing up. Basically, the paragraph is just saying "I woke up and I have no idea where the hell I am".[/color]

[i]I was in a large, dusty warehouse, nearly stacked to the top with boxes, cylinders, and other storage units. I felt as if I should know the place, but again, my mind was blank. [/i]

[color=#ff0000]We already established that we, as the audience, know that you have lost all hints of memory. We don't need a re-cap.[/color]

[i]But I could sense another presence in the warehouse with me. I heard shuffling and growling, and I was sure it was malevolent. I slowly rose from the floor, and the shuffling was getting closer.[/i]

[color=#ff0000]Shuffling doesn't seem like the right word here. Humans don't shuffle their feet, usually.[/color]

[i]I knew I had to get out of there. I cocked my head in the direction the sound was coming from, and I saw a shadow creeping toward a box. I turned and ran. I then heard a deep voice shout, “I KNOW YOU’RE IN HERE!” It shook the entire warehouse, “YOU CAN’T HIDE FROM ME!”[/i]

[color=#ff0000]I know where this is going....[/color]

[i]I’m not hiding, I thought. I’m running! But the shuffling seemed to keep getting closer. I finally sighed with exasperation. It was no use running; I would eventually be caught. [/i]

[color=#ff0000]Weren't you running already? You said that you were in the last sentence.[/color]

[i]I turned around and faced my pursuer. “Alright!” I shouted, “Who are you, and what do you want?!”[/i]

[i]“BWAHAHAH! IT’S BEEN FOREVER SINCE SOMEONE HAS STOOD UP TO ME!” The entity laughed. “ALRIGHT. I AM BRONTES!” As he announced his name, a peal of thunder echoed from somewhere in the distance. I finally got a good look at him.[/i]

[color=#ff0000]AND I AM THE VOICE OF GOD, WHO HAS COME TO RAIN DOWN HELL ON EARTH![/color]

[color=#FF0000]Seriously, though, stop with the capitalization. It takes away from the formality of writing, and also, it's distracting.[/color]

He stood at least fifteen feet tall, stooped over so not to hit his head, with olive skin, a single eye in the middle of his head, and was clad in chain mail armor. “Alright,” I replied coldly. “What do you want, then?” The Cyclops smiled sinisterly, revealing sharp, pointed teeth. “Mm… my next meal has some spunk…” He murmured.

[color=#ff0000]...[/color]
[color=#FF0000]...[/color]
[color=#FF0000]...[/color]
[color=#FF0000]...Oh my. Well, I'll save you the trouble since this IS your first Fan-Fiction after all.[/color]

[color=#FF0000][quote]Tom: Hey, what's up, Bill?[/color]

[color=#FF0000]Bill: Oh, nothing much, Tom. You know you need to space paragraphs, right?[/color]

[color=#FF0000]Tom: Oh yea, it always irritates me when I have to explain this to new writers.[/quote][/color]

[color=#FF0000]Each time someone speaks, break it off with a new Paragraph. And I agree with Tom.[/color]

“Whoa!” I shouted. “No way am I going to be your next meal!” The Cyclops fixed me with an interested stare. “Hmm… I see you’re a duelist…” He said finally. “It’s settled, then. We duel. If you win, which is virtually impossible, I’ll set you free. But… if I win, you become my next meal.”

[color=#ff0000]Again...[/color]

[color=#FF0000]Wait, hold on a second, a Duel?[/color]

I nodded, “Fair enough, but I don’t exactly remember how to-” “NO EXCUSES!” the Cyclops bellowed. “DUEL, NOW!” Suddenly, a yellow, lightning bolt-shaped Duel Disk appeared on his arm.

[color=#ff0000]Again...[/color]

[color=#FF0000]Oh, and also, since I popularized this statement, I feel like it is necessary to show it now.[/color]

[color=#ff0000][size=8][font=tahoma,geneva,sans-serif]E[/font][/size][/color][color=#ff8c00][size=8]X[/size][/color][size=8][color=#FFFF00]P[/color][color=#00ff00]O[/color][color=#00ffff]S[/color][color=#0000ff]I[/color][color=#800080]T[/color][color=#0000ff]I[/color][color=#00ff00]O[/color][color=#ff8c00]N[/color][/size] [color=#ff0000][size=8]RAINBOW!!!!!!!![/size][/color]

[color=#ff0000]Basically, what this means is: Too soon.[/color]

[b]ME: 4000 LP / BRONTES: 4000 LP[/b]

[color=#FF0000]So we start off with the Traditional Anime LP. As always...[/color]

[color=#FF0000]Why don't we make it 8000, like the good old days. AND IN NORTH AMERICA![/color]

[color=#FF0000]Oh, sorry, I forgot Capitalization is distracting.[/color]

[i]“I’ll go first!” I shouted, drawing a card from my Deck. “I’ll start out with… Dark Grepher (1700 ATK) in Attack Mode! I’ll discard one Level Five or higher DARK monster -I’ll go with Darklord Superbia- and I can Special Summon it!”[/i]

[color=#ff0000]So......you have no idea who you are, where you are at, and you don't know why the hell you are being chased by a fifteen-foot tall Cyclops wearing a Duel Disk. But still, you manage to top-deck Dark Grepher and play an exceptionally grand first move.[/color]

[color=#FF0000]Yeah, totally Gary Sue.[/color]

[color=#FF0000]And Plot Device.[/color]

[i]“Sure aren’t acting like you forgot how to duel,” I heard Brontes mutter as a knight with dark hair and dark skin.[/i]

[color=#ff0000]As a knight with dark and dark skin what? You never finished that sentence.[/color]

[i]I shrugged it off. “Next, I activate Revenge of the Fallen Angel! I banish one DARK monster in my Hand, and I can revive Darklord Superbia (2900 ATK) in Attack Mode!”[/i]

[color=#ff0000]The more this duel progresses, the more Gary Sue you become.[/color]

[i]A large, black entity in the form of a pot with wings rose from the ground. “Now, since it was Special Summoned from the Graveyard, I can Special Summon another Darklord! I’ll choose Darklord Zerato (2800 ATK) in Attack Mode!” I shouted, watching another black entity with red wings and a sword-arm rise out of the mouth of the pot that was Superbia.[/i]

[color=#ff0000]Ahh.....passive voice is everyone's most common enemy, yet also the one that lurks behind the most shadows. What I am saying is in the last sentence, it is unclear if the Pot WAS Superbia, or if the entity with red wings and the sword-arm was Superbia. I know it's the latter, but for clarity and conciseness, you should perhaps rework the last sentence to make it not as confusing.[/color]

[i]“I one card face-down, and end my turn… which means that Superbia goes back to the grave.” I said somberly.[/i]

[color=#ff0000]Why bother bringing it out then if you knew it was going to the Graveyard during the End Phase (Insert Expert Yu-Gi-Oh Ruling Device here)?[/color]

[i]A peal of thunder echoed as Brontes drew a card. “I SUMMON THE ALMIGHTY THUNDER CYCLOPS (1800 ATK) IN ATTACK MODE!” Brontes bellowed as a yellow-skinned creature, much like Brontes himself, (except much, much smaller) appeared. “NOW, THUNDER CYCLOPS! ATTACK DARK GREPHER!”[/i]

[color=#ff0000]Oh, great.[/color]

[color=#FF0000][size=6][font=georgia,serif]THE HEADACHE BEGINS - PART 1!![/font][/size][/color]

[color=#FF0000][size=6][font=georgia,serif][size=4]Today, I look at the latest Fan-Fiction on the Fan-Fiction Forum, and it apparently features a Cyclops who is SHOUTING all the time! It does NOTHING to improve on his character, and it makes him even more STALE than he ALREADY is (random CAPitaliZatIon is RaNdOm).[/size][/font][/size][/color]

[color=#FF0000][size=6][font=georgia,serif][size=4][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Anyways, back on track.[/font][/size][/font][/size][/color]

[i]The yellow Cyclops stretched out his palms, and an arc of electricity lashed out and surged toward Dark Grepher, who was consumed in a net of lightning. It quickly tightened around him before squeezing Grepher into pixels. “Humph,” I pouted. “A sacrifice that will be avenged…”[/i]

[color=#ff0000]Can't you at least flinch a little bit?[/color]

[color=#FF0000]This doesn't seem to flow correctly as some of the other Duels that I have read. There is a subpar quality here in the description of monsters, and there is also a lack of logic spanning your moves. [/color]

[i]“RAAA!” the Cyclops roared. “I PLACE THREE FACE-DOWNS AND END MY TURN!”

“Draw!” I shouted, probably louder than I should have. “I summon Dark Crusader (1600 ATK) in Attack Mode!” A skeleton-like creature in dark robes appeared out of a newly-formed fissure.[/i]

[i]“NO!” Brontes shouted. “I WILL NOT ALLOW THAT! BOTTOMLESS TRAP HOLE!”[/i]

[color=#ff0000]Now the Cyclops sounds more like a whining kid than a big brute. Yet another character that goes to the flattening machine, which conveniently makes a "FLAPT!!!" sound.[/color]

[i]“Ha,” I scoffed. “I activate Dark Bribe. Bottomless Trap Hole gets negated, but you get one extra card.” I could see that I shut Brontes up for now. [/i]

[color=#ff0000]Really? For the entire story?[/color]

[i]“Next, I activate Dark Crusader’s effect. I discard one DARK monster, Blackwing - Vayu the Emblem of Honor (800 ATK), and Dark Crusader gains 400 ATK points!”[/i]

[i]Dark Crusader 1600 ATK -> 2000 ATK[/i]

[color=#ff0000]We already know that he gained 400 ATK. You don't need to retell us that. Just putting a small (2000 ATK) right next to the name, like you have done consistently throughout the duel, would have sufficed.[/color]

[i]“Now, Dark Crusader,” I continued. “Attack Thunder Cyclops!”

The skeleton pulled out a large sword, and charged toward the yellow Cyclops.

“NO! I WILL NOW ACTIVATE MAGIC CYLINDER!” Brontes bellowed. “YOU TAKE DAMAGE EQUAL TO CRUSADER’S ATK!”[/i]

[color=#ff0000]**Inserts Earplugs**[/color]


[i][b]ME: 1900 LP / BRONTES: 4000 LP[/b][/i]

[i]“So your monster is safe…” I muttered grouchily. “For now.” I analyzed the situation: I had no cards in my hand, two monsters more than my opponent, my opponent had two face-downs that I have no counter for, and I couldn’t take another hit from a Magic Cylinder. “Zerato, attack Thunder Cyclops! This time, Sparky here won’t survive!”[/i]

[color=#ff0000]Did you just make a GX Reference?[/color]

[i]The entity with a sword-arm flew forward, and stabbed the yellow Cyclops in the chest.[/i]

[i][b]ME: 1900 LP / BRONTES: 3000 LP[/b][/i]

[i]“NOT GOOD ENOUGH!” Brontes roared gruffly. “YOU CAN’T DEFEAT ME WITH MOVES LIKE THAT!”[/i]

[color=#FF0000]You didn't even bother to tell us that the monster blew up into a thousand yellow pixels. That's my favorite part of killing a monster.[/color]

[i]“Took you down a notch, though, didn’t it?” I asked gloatingly. “You aren’t going to survive next time,”

“WE’LL SEE,” Brontes muttered, hiding the slightest grin.

“End turn,” I said.[/i]

[color=#ff0000]"End duel," I said.[/color]

[color=#FF0000]Oh wait.[/color]

[i]“DRAW.” Brontes said. “I ACTIVATE HAMMER SHOT! DARKLORD ZERATO IS DESTROYED!”

“No,” I breathed as a hammer struck Zerato, smashing it into the ground.

“NEXT, I ACTIVATE THUNDER CALLING! I BANISH ONE THUNDER-TYPE MONSTER IN MY GRAVEYARD,” Brontes lost control of the grin. “AND I CAN SUMMON THREE LEVEL FOUR THUNDER-TYPE MONSTERS FROM MY DECK!” Another peal of thunder. “I CHOOSE THREE BATTERYMAN AAA (0 ATK each) IN ATTACK MODE!”[/i]

[color=#FF0000][size=6][font=georgia,serif]THE HEADACHE BEGINS - PART 2!![/font][/size][/color]

[color=#FF0000][size=6][font=georgia,serif][size=4]I've already taken two Advil today. Should possibly help the migraine that I am getting from writing this story. Yelling all of the time seemed to pile the story into the ground, and made it incredibly annoying to read. But still, I must survive through this! It is my HONOR and DUTY to FINISH WHAT I HAVE STARTED![/size][/font][/size][/color]

“Zero ATK?” I scoff in disbelief. “No match for Crusader,”

[i]“NOT YET!” Brontes shouted. “I OVERLAY ALL THREE TO SUMMON A RANK 4 XYZ MONSTER, NUMBER 28: GIGASHOCK CYCLOPS (3100 ATK) IN ATTACK MODE!”

A large yellow Cyclops, much larger than Thunder Cyclops, appeared as a lightning bolt hit the ground.

“GIGASHOCK! STRIKE DOWN DARK CRUSADER!”

The Cyclops raised his hands, and a bolt of lightning streaked out, crashing into Dark Crusader, destroying him.[/i]

[i][b]ME: 800 / BRONTES: 3000[/b][/i]

[i]“BWAHAHAH! YOU’RE PATHETIC!” Brontes laughed. “I END MY TURN!”[/i]

[color=#ff0000]So this will be over soon, right?[/color]

[color=#FF0000]What was the point of this duel? Just so we can give the antagonist a reason to shout?[/color]

[i]“D-draw…” I muttered. “I place a face-down card, and end my turn.”

“THAT’S ALL YOU CAN DO?!” The Cyclops laughed, drawing a card. “GIGASHOCK! ATTACK DIRECTLY! THUNDEROUS ENDING!”

I smiled. “Humph… looks like you lose.”[/i]

[color=#ff0000]"Activate PLOT DEVICE TRAP CARD! When I would lose the Duel by normal means, I can activate this card from my hand and you must send all cards in your Deck and hand to the Graveyard, then you take 4000 points of damage."[/color]

[color=#FF0000]HOORAY, I WON! EXPOSITION RAINBOW![/color]

[i]“WHAT?!” Brontes roared indignantly. “DO YOU INSULT ME?!”

“No. I’m just going to win with this: my own Magic Cylinder!”

Gigashock Cyclops threw a lightning bolt, but it was deflected back at Brontes.
“NOOO!” Brontes shouted. “I CAN’T LOSE!”[/i]

[color=#ff0000]Too bad you just did. By the way, why were these two Dueling again?[/color]


[i][b]ME: 800 LP / BRONTES: 0 LP[/b][/i]

[i]I won my first duel that I could remember… and managed to not get eaten by a one-eyed psycho.
Brontes collapsed to the ground, muttering, “NO… I CAN’T LOSE…” over and over, until, finally, he collapsed into dust.

“That was a very good duel,” A gruff voice behind me said. “I heard you have no memory, as well…”
I turned around to see a man with gold skin covered in a black suit standing on top of a crate. “I am Iapetus,” he said. “And I can give you back your memory.”[/i]

[color=#ff0000][size=8][font=tahoma,geneva,sans-serif]E[/font][/size][/color][color=#ff8c00][size=8]X[/size][/color][size=8][color=#FFFF00]P[/color][color=#00ff00]O[/color][color=#00ffff]S[/color][color=#0000ff]I[/color][color=#800080]T[/color][color=#0000ff]I[/color][color=#00ff00]O[/color][color=#ff8c00]N[/color][/size] [color=#ff0000][size=8]RAINBOW!!!!!!!![/size][/color]

[i]“Okay…?”

“For a price,” he said. “I need you to take care of a few of my old ‘friends.’” there was a bit of a his on “friends.” “Duel them. Defeat them. Then, I will give you back your memory. By the way, what [i]is[/i] your name?”

“Alright,” I said finally, walking over to him. "Jason Thorne,"

“Come with me, Jason.” was his reply, and we walked out of the building, Brontes’s dust flying in the air.

There was something sinister about Iapetus, but I didn't care.

I wanted my memory back.[/i]

[color=#ff0000]No, you don't trust Chapter-End characters that have shady voices who may or may not turn on you later in the book. IT'S A FORESHADOWING!!!![/color]

[color=#FF0000]Well, that went......okay, I guess, after I put my earplugs in. It really helps when you are rocking out to your best Heavy Metal band while reading this story, then you don't have to hear the [s]troll [/s]cyclops make ridiculous comments with a vastly loud voice. Seriously, we get it. He's fifteen feet tall, weighs a ton, and has a deep, bellowing voice. You don't need capitalization to emphasize that. [/color]

[color=#FF0000]The duel was lacking. There was not enough dialogue, one of the main aspects in every duel. It just doesn't feel natural without a little bit of trash-talking coming from both Duelists. It was mainly one-sided. The descriptions of the monsters were sub-par as well. A black-skinned warrior can be defined as Dark Grepher, or any of the Steelswarm or Verz monsters, or anything that has black skin and has a warrior figure. [/color]

[color=#FF0000]If you polish up the duel writing, add it a bit more liveliness to the story, and stop spamming with the capitalization, I think it would turn out to be an okay story, but as of now, it does not meet my expectations.[/color]

[color=#FF0000]If you have additional chapters that you need Beta-reading, feel free to shoot me a PM. I can see that you have already sought assistance from a dear YCM member, however, Anger Level. He must not have caught on some of the mistakes in this Fan-Fiction as I did, however.[/color]

[color=#FF0000]Until next time, Devil's Advocate is signing off.[/color]

[Squidward Tentacles]

thanks for the review. I had a few more beta readers for this, but they never even wrote anything. AL was the only one who actually reviewed, and he said it looked pretty good. Anyway, I didn't really know about the capitals, I mean he was pretty much just yelling the entire time. I figured a giant would, well, talk like that.

[Not-so-Radiant Arin]

[quote name='Ollie Williams' timestamp='1320988106' post='5632255']
Anyway, I didn't really know about the capitals, I mean he was pretty much just yelling the entire time. I figured a giant would, well, talk like that.
[/quote]

[color=#ff0000]Yes, but I think we can visualize that just fine without every other line being a case of "OH MY GOD, MY EARS (OR EYES)!!!" Using capitalization unnecessarily like that brings down the quality of a good story.[/color]

[color=#FF0000]Unless your target audience is deaf people.[/color]