Spirit Ace [Original]

[Admiral Tim]

[spoiler=Arc one]

[spoiler= Prologue]

[center]Prologue[/center]

[size=4]It was midnight. The clock struck twelve at the Magnus Tenebrae building. The tall citadel like building stood tall and imposing with its ominous spires and tall cement walls. The exterior was almost as nefarious as what went on inside. The Magnus Tenebrae Corporation was a mercenary group. A safe haven for criminals to flee to. The police knew about it. But Tenebrae Corp. was to powerful. The locals could do nothing to stop their ominous deeds. The walls were too strong, The security to alert and the criminals to powerful. There was once a raid party. They were never heard of again. So the local authorities ignore the evil building and let its dark deeds go on. [/size]

[size=4]Now that is not to say everything is bad. They have saved lives, villages and trade routes. Most doing this either for money, power or there own good. There are also Villains. plots to pillage, destroy, assassinate, sabotage are only some of the things Tenebrae is capable of. Whether they fight for good or evil is entirely up to the Leader, that is to say the leader of the faction. Tenebrae corporation is split into hundreds of factions. Each specializing in specific objectives. Whether it be night aerial assaults or Aquatic daylight assassinations. Bring in your request and sufficient payment and the deed is done. And so all his talking about factions, leaders, mercenaries and evil brings us to one man his name being Ray Clades.[/size]

[size=4]Mr. Clades had started the Magnus Tenebrae Corporation himself. Wrongfully accused he was chased out of his town. Leaving his wife and newborn son to fend for themselves he traveled for six years perfecting his dark magic. When he returned his son and wife had gone. In a rage Clades razed the town to the ground. The remaining survivors pledged themselves to him.... [/size]

[size=4]“Magnus Tenebrae is Latin for Great Darkness.” mumbled Ray Clades as he hunched over his desk. He was chatting to Bonfroy, his pet shadow hound. Mr. Clades chatted frequently to Bonfroy. He was a lonely old man but still young at heart. He was well muscled and wrinkled and tall for a man. He had a droopy bushy white mustache and grey eyebrows as well bald head. His rheumy eyes were hidden in his deep wrinkles and he wore a pure black cloak that appeared to float over his body. His staff lay by his desk and doubled as a walking cane. Things were boring. He was to old to do anything for Tenebrae and merely sat and gave his approval on things. [/size]
[size=4]“Our motto is there is no light without dark.” rambled Clade.[/size]
[size=4]Bonfroy growled. His muscles rippled and and his sharp teeth were bared. Like all other Shadow Hounds, Bonfroy was sleek and jet black. Shadow hounds aren’t anything special. Except for the fact that they are amazingly acute at sensing danger. [/size]
[size=4]“Now calm down Bonfroy.” said Clades with a hint of nervousness in his voice.[/size]
[size=4]“Rrrrrrrr” Growled the dog.[/size]
[size=4]“It’s alright” the nervousness growing in Clades heart.[/size]
[size=4]Bonfroy’s bark was silenced by the sounding of glass being shattered. The window in Clade’s office shattered and a figure flew through holding a sword. One stab was all it took to kill the unsuspecting Clades. The figure withdrew the sword. The body fell to the marble floor.

The doors flew open as a huge beast roared in. With a body of a bear but the head of an owl, Ursus served as Ray’s bodyguard. Alas he was to late. The figure was gone and Clade lay dead on the floor. As of now The Magnus Tenebrae Corporation was without a leader......[/size]
[/spoiler]

[/spoiler]


Ok my first fan fiction. Tell me what you think...

[Admiral Tim]

Any comments?

[Kōsuke Ueki]

Wow. In the Prologue, the leader dies? I'm shocked. That is rarely used, but can easily be perfected with the right amount of talent.

Good job. But where does the name come from?

[Admiral Tim]

Thanks for the comment. The name will be revealed in the first chapter

[Not-so-Radiant Arin]

[size=7][font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif]~~Going with Something Different: [color=#ff0000]The Writer Formerly Known as Devil's Advocate's "Heartfelt" Review~~[/color][/font][/size]

[color=#ff0000]Music. Plot. And You. These are three of the most important aspects that you may (or may not, depending on how stubborn you are) develop when writing a story. Music is the first and foremost, because music can help stimulate the thought process of our minds, and can help us delve into far away, fantasy lands in an attempt to spark an illusory place that might be deemed fitting for the setting of your story. The Plot, another key and critical aspect in writing, helps tie the entire story together. Without plot, there is no story, and without a story, there is no plot. However, this can also be one of the trickier things to handle professionally, especially for first-time writers.[/color]

[color=#FF0000]Nevertheless, none of the two aforementioned topics are as important as the last one, and that is you. You are the writer of the story. You are the conductor of your symphony. You are the re-modeler of your two story-house. You are the pilot of the airplane. You are in control, and it is entirely up to you to decide what to do or what to make of said story.\[/color]

[color=#FF0000]Since there have been less and less "new" stories to critique and read about on the Fan-Fiction forum, my activity on here as of late has all but disappeared. Now, I am back for another installment of this beautiful Fantasia, as I delve into another new story, Admiral Tim's "Spirit Ace". Albeit from me to actually use the correct terminology here and say that our miraculous writer did not even bother putting quotes around the Title of his story, like a good writer should have. But still, we have not detailed the story yet, which I shall dive into now. [/color]

[color=#FF0000]Here we go.[/color]

[i][size=4]It was midnight. [/size][/i]

[color=#ff0000]How generic. Not even so much as a single hint of a Clincher sentence.[/color]

[i][size=4]The clock struck twelve at the Magnus Tenebrae building. The tall citadel like building stood tall and imposing with its ominous spires and tall cement walls. The exterior was almost as nefarious as what went on inside. The Magnus Tenebrae Corporation was a mercenary group. A safe haven for criminals to flee to. The police knew about it. But Tenebrae Corp. was to powerful. The locals could do nothing to stop their ominous deeds. The walls were too strong, The security to alert and the criminals to powerful. There was once a raid party. They were never heard of again. So the local authorities ignore the evil building and let its dark deeds go on. [/size][/i]

[color=#ff0000]All I see is "THE, THE, THE, THE, THE..."[/color]

[color=#FF0000]At least give the beginning of your sentences some variety. It made the rest of the paragraph incredibly unbearable to read. But from what I did pick up from it, we are dealing with a criminal organization that does......nothing.[/color]

[i][size=4]Now that is not to say everything is bad. [/size][/i]

[color=#ff0000]But you just got through explaining that no one can stop this criminal organization.......that still doesn't explain what they are doing.[/color]

[i][size=4]They have saved lives, villages and trade routes. Most doing this either for money, power or there own good. [/size][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Grammar and word choice sentences always make me laugh. If you don't know what that means, it means that you should probably re-read your story and look at your mistakes that you made. And if you can't identify the mistakes, then I quit.[/color]

[size=4]There are also Villains. [/size]

[color=#ff0000]We've already established that. Unless those same Criminal Organization goons sell ice cream to little children.[/color]

[i][size=4]plots to pillage, destroy, assassinate, sabotage are only some of the things Tenebrae is capable of. Whether they fight for good or evil is entirely up to the Leader, that is to say the leader of the faction. Tenebrae corporation is split into hundreds of factions. Each specializing in specific objectives. Whether it be night aerial assaults or Aquatic daylight assassinations. Bring in your request and sufficient payment and the deed is done. [/size][/i]

[color=#ff0000]I find the structure of this paragraph to be........annoying, to put it in PG-Terms. You are letting everything fly-by without giving enough description to fill it out. Also, you might want to check on your punctuation mistakes as well.[/color]

[i][size=4]And so all his talking about factions, leaders, mercenaries and evil brings us to one man his name being Ray Clades.[/size][/i]

[color=#ff0000][size=8][font=tahoma,geneva,sans-serif]E[/font][/size][/color][color=#ff8c00][size=8]X[/size][/color][size=8][color=#FFFF00]P[/color][color=#00ff00]O[/color][color=#00ffff]S[/color][color=#0000ff]I[/color][color=#800080]T[/color][color=#0000ff]I[/color][color=#00ff00]O[/color][color=#ff8c00]N[/color][/size] [color=#ff0000][size=8]RAINBOW!!!!!!!![/size][/color]

[color=#ff0000]I thought I was done with this whole schpiel, but I guess it appears not. Basically, what this means is: Too soon.[/color]

[i][size=4]Mr. Clades had started the Magnus Tenebrae Corporation himself. Wrongfully accused he was chased out of his town. Leaving his wife and newborn son to fend for themselves he traveled for six years perfecting his dark magic. [/size][/i]

[color=#ff0000]I don't get it. Are you trying to make a survival story that is at least a little bit non-fictional, or are you just going along with the trend and making everything about Magic: The Gathering and Children's Card Games?[/color]

[i][size=4]When he returned his son and wife had gone. In a rage Clades razed the town to the ground. The remaining survivors pledged themselves to him.... [/size][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Uggh....the sentence length is killing me. Vary the sentence length from time to time, instead of just using the usual ten-word long sentence. Also, Mr. Clades seems like a pretty flat character (it is only the prologue, after all).[/color]

[i][size=4]“Magnus Tenebrae is Latin for Great Darkness.” mumbled Ray Clades as he hunched over his desk. [/size][/i]

[color=#ff0000]And now we snap back to reality. And now, the Ping-Pong game starts.[/color]

[i][size=4]He was chatting to Bonfroy, his pet shadow hound. Mr. Clades chatted frequently to Bonfroy. He was a lonely old man but still young at heart. He was well muscled and wrinkled and tall for a man. He had a droopy bushy white mustache and grey eyebrows as well bald head. His rheumy eyes were hidden in his deep wrinkles and he wore a pure black cloak that appeared to float over his body. His staff lay by his desk and doubled as a walking cane. [/size][/i]

[color=#ff0000]I know I've said this before, but no matter how many times I say it, people can't just hint at the facts. To quote myself:[/color]

[b][color=#ff0000][quote]Unless one had a Green Afro and the other had Purple Dreadlocks, character description is just going to be another unnecessary detail.[/color][/b][/quote]

[i][size=4]Things were boring. He was to old to do anything for Tenebrae and merely sat and gave his approval on things. [/size][/i]

[color=#ff0000]He doesn't sound too assertive to be a leader. Mr. Clades is leaning more towards a 2-D character that shall probably remain static throughout the rest of the story.[/color]

[size=4]“Our motto is there is no light without dark.” rambled Clade.[/size]

[size=4]Bonfroy growled. His muscles rippled and and his sharp teeth were bared. Like all other Shadow Hounds, Bonfroy was sleek and jet black. Shadow hounds aren’t anything special. Except for the fact that they are amazingly acute at sensing danger.[/size]

[size=4][color=#ff0000]Don't all dogs have a great sense of spirituality? And also, why do we care about Mr. Clade's pet mutt? We should be focusing more on Mr. Clades, because he is supposedly the star of this chapter.[/color][/size]

[size=4][color=#FF0000]By the way, what does this criminal organization do again?[/color][/size]

[i][size=4]“Now calm down Bonfroy.” said Clades with a hint of nervousness in his voice.[/size][/i]

[i][size=4]“Rrrrrrrr” Growled the dog.[/size][/i]

[i][size=4]“It’s alright” the nervousness growing in Clades heart.[/size][/i]

[size=4][i]Bonfroy’s bark was silenced by the sounding of glass being shattered. The window in Clade’s office shattered and a figure flew through holding a sword. One stab was all it took to kill the unsuspecting Clades. The figure withdrew the sword. The body fell to the marble floor.[/i][/size]

[size=4][color=#ff0000]You would think there would be security INSIDE his office to prevent incidents like this.[/color][/size]

[size=4]The doors flew open as a huge beast roared in. With a body of a bear but the head of an owl, Ursus served as Ray’s bodyguard. Alas he was to late. The figure was gone and Clade lay dead on the floor. As of now The Magnus Tenebrae Corporation was without a leader......[/size]

[color=#ff0000]Again, too soon. Everything just seemed to whiff by without giving a whole lot of detail as to what was happening or what transpired right afterward (I imagine that there was some screaming, kicking, and swearing). Plus, with the Prologue being as short as it was, there wasn't enough plot development to cover all of the different situations that you were talking about at the beginning of the story.[/color]

[color=#FF0000]All in all, what I am saying is, it's okay to be descriptive, but just don't overdo it. The only time you were descriptive was when you were talking about Mr. Clades, and that was much too descriptive. If you polish up your grammar, word choice, punctuation, and work on refining the plot just a little bit more, it might actually turn out to be a good story. But for now, I don't see it being on my list as "Miraculous".[/color]

[color=#FF0000]If you have further chapters that you would like me to Beta-Read, simply shoot me a PM. I'll be available 24/7 to look at your chapters and provide a [s]painful[/s] [s]excruciating brutal degrading demoralizing [/s]honest review to your story. Until next time, I am signing off.[/color]