Mecha Love Posted November 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 15, 2011 [quote name='Verz Bahamut' timestamp='1321228739' post='5639009'] You asked me to review this, so I will. Erm.... Some really strange logic here. Chapter starts with a little bit of nice description to say 'here's the scene, and now meet our hero' as we're immediately set our eyes on our lead. Who is apparently the near flawless epitomy of humanity and has all the great qualities one should aspire to have in abundance. So I hate him already. What I mean by that is, the only people who like the leading men to be broody, smart, powerful, sensitive, good-looking and perfect in every way from the start of chapter 1 are bored housewives. Most people prefer characters who are flawed, who make mistakes, and have room to grow. For example: John McClain from Die Hard smashes Edward Cullen's head in two, vampire or not. The only way this guy can progress throughout the story is by having a major fall from grace first, and work for redemption. [b]Ok. I understand. This character can do with a makeover, for the worse let's say. I'll find some things to add, or take off.[/b] Next we meet his friends, who bear all the stereotypical hallmarks of their gods, so much so they might as well be called Odin Thor and Loki and be done with it. The description is good, I can picture them perfectly (why ginger? why?) but I can't shake the feeling its just get a picture of Loki and some colouring pencils for his new hair, etc. [b]Ok, I see where you're coming from. But there is a logic to it:[/b] [b]Each God made his own people. AKA: Based them on him/her/itself. So its not really any wonder that the people of each land have similar features. The Ragnaroks are tall and lean, the kurkbians generally short with long noses and mjolnirs with rather broad shoulders. Let's take Garath for example; he is broad with large muscles. Did you really expect anything else from the prince of a warrior race? Or with Drake. Long nose, quite small. That's generally what you'd class as a Kurkbian. I don't really see anything wrong with that. Purple hair? Why not?[/b] Moving on from our characters; because Loki and Thor... sorry Drake and Garath... are having a duel. We're somewhere mid-match... okay I can go with this, and we're... starting with 8000 LP...? Oh damn, trust me when I say you'll regret that, because it really makes close duels and comebacks much MUCH harder. Anyway it looks pretty even, with Garath starting his turn and... [b]Ok. 8000 LP. Perhaps that will be a challenge. Though in this duel, I suppose it was kinda needed. It was a 'friendly' as such anyway. In proper, to-the-death duels (spoilers!), it'll start at 4000, I assure you.[/b] Hold on... why are peoples spoken lines colour coded? I haven't been here the longest but I have honestly never seen that before. I'm going to guess its for easy and quick reference, to avoid confusion. Proper spacing between paragraphs would suffice. That just looks really unprofessional, not to mention irritating. [b]I'll fix that. Dunno how I came up with an idea as that.[/b] Anyway, back to the duel. Don't quite understand how Drake's Jester Queen will have got its attacks off when its got Airbellum opposing it. Wikia says its because it can attack directly as well as multiple times. I didn't know that/had forgotten that. Also, if you're going to use custom cards like I assume Gamble is, then that is more than fine. But please don't use names of existing cards, because thats really confusing. [b]Sorry about that! I figured Gamble was a card, but I thought there was more in the name. I'll edit.[/b] So the duel ends (with a really condescending remark from Mr. Perfect that makes me despise him further) and now thats out of the way, we can now be presented with a plot. The shock news that the Wicked Gods have been stolen. Except thats not a shock, because it was obvious from the prologue that was going to happen. Yes its the setup of chapter 1 and it would have made little sense without the history lesson, so I think you unfortunately got yourself into a lose-lose situation there. Another put down from the noble prince, and the chapter ends. [b]Indeed, I see what you mean. If I had to explain what happens it'd be a long, thick line. That's the major plot, the wicked gods being stolen. However, there is branches coming off from that, criss-crossing all over the place. These lines are all minor plots. The Princes cannot and will not just charge into Tenebrae and demand for the wicked gods back. That would be suicide.[/b] [b]Despite having this, there is a lot more to it.[/b] [b]For example. You've instantly assumed that what happens is:[/b] [b]- Wicked Gods Stolen.[/b] [b]- Princes go get Wicked Gods.[/b] [b]But in all seriousness, that is not the case. The robbery of these Wicked Gods is a spark for the events of the first Arc in Book 1. Again, spoilers. You'll see what this spark ignites later on....[/b] Unfortunately I don't really have much positive to say about this other than it wasn't the dire attempt of most on-a-whim fanfics. I appreciate the level of planning and detail thats gone into setting this up, probably the wait built up my expectation a lot and it also makes me sad to pass these critisisms, but for everything inventive about the world and the history and the original ideas, it fell apart with the characters. Sorry. [/quote] Thanks for this. I have my logic, but in every respect, I see reason behind each of your points. I'll do some editing to chapter 1 when I can! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ren✧ Posted November 17, 2011 Report Share Posted November 17, 2011 Sorry it has taken me so long to actually read the first chapter. I was all prepared to read it the first day you posted and then didn't get around to it. I completely understand why you described the characters as you did. It would have be strange if they didn't resemble the god that had created them. The scenery description was really nice I thought. Not too much to make it sound like you are droning on, but not too little as to leave giant blank spaces. I was a bit confused as to why Jester Lord would have 5000 ATK, seeing as I had no idea what Jester Lord's effect might be. I went and looked it up and then it made sense to me. Perhaps I accidentally skipped where you wrote how Jester Lord gained that much ATK points, and if I did I apologize now, but maybe try throwing in something short about how he gains ATK points. The decks seemed nicely fit. It make sense for Drake to be using Jesters. I thought Garath would use a Warrior-Type deck, but X-Sabers fit too. (Wanna give a clue as to what Adlis will be using?) The duel was short, but I expected that since it was already half way done. So, no problem there. The plot twist was predictable, but won't pass judgement on it yet seeing as I don't know how the princes will handle the situation. I can't wait for the next chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mecha Love Posted November 17, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 17, 2011 [quote name='~Renegade~' timestamp='1321504647' post='5648025'] Sorry it has taken me so long to actually read the first chapter. I was all prepared to read it the first day you posted and then didn't get around to it. I completely understand why you described the characters as you did. It would have be strange if they didn't resemble the god that had created them. The scenery description was really nice I thought. Not too much to make it sound like you are droning on, but not too little as to leave giant blank spaces. I was a bit confused as to why Jester Lord would have 5000 ATK, seeing as I had no idea what Jester Lord's effect might be. I went and looked it up and then it made sense to me. Perhaps I accidentally skipped where you wrote how Jester Lord gained that much ATK points, and if I did I apologize now, but maybe try throwing in something short about how he gains ATK points. The decks seemed nicely fit. It make sense for Drake to be using Jesters. I thought Garath would use a Warrior-Type deck, but X-Sabers fit too. (Wanna give a clue as to what Adlis will be using?) The duel was short, but I expected that since it was already half way done. So, no problem there. The plot twist was predictable, but won't pass judgement on it yet seeing as I don't know how the princes will handle the situation. I can't wait for the next chapter. [/quote] Thanks for your opinion. As I said to Verz, the idea that the plot being blatantly obvious is what I'm trying to do, so the plot twists, like the one which will be revealed soon, become more understandable as such. No more spoilers yet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mecha Love Posted December 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted December 11, 2011 Just bumping this back to existance. I'll be starting chapter 2 soon, right after homework is out the way Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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