Highschool of the Dead (IRELAND EDITION) less ecchi (for now atleast)

[TheEffinZ]

This story follows Dezi Madden (Real name Desmond) as he and a group of his friends try to survive the outbreak. Takes place in Ireland, so expect some Irish terms turn up( also it is wrote in Dezi's perspective, telling the story)

 

Chapter 1 - Z Day

 

 

“Have you ever noticed how boring this school is?” I questioned my two friends Séan and Daniel who were standing beside me on an outside stairs “mitching” our Biology class. It was nearing the end of the school day and the sky was turning a bright orange. “Yeah, I’ve noticed it too” replied Daniel calmly as he leaned against the wall of the building looking at Séan to answer. “I dunno guys, this is pretty exciting, I mean I’m pumped full of adrenalin” Séan finally replied as he was twitching and looking around just in-case a teacher found us. I closed my eyes to relax as they started a conversation amongst themselves and I thought to myself “Even if this is boring, I wouldn’t like it any other way”. Then, a silence covered their conversation, I opened my eyes to see what had stopped their lively conversation, their faces looked full of disgust as they leaned across the railing of the stairs starring at something at the front of the school. I leaned over to see what they were looking at, only to see a dark disturbing figure in old torn rags devouring a girl who looked to be a year above us. “WHAT THE f***!” shouted Séan as the dark figure walked away. The figure looked back, but not at us but at a teacher who had screamed at the sight of the deed. The figure did not walk but limbed over to the teacher who was in so much fear she couldn’t move an inch. The figure attacked the teacher but we weren’t looking at that, we were looking at the front gate of the school were a horde of dark figures gathered. We quickly turned around and ran for our biology classroom to warn them of the danger.

 

“Quickly! Come with me!” I said out of breath as I rammed through the classroom door. “Oh! Dezi, Séan and Daniel, how nice of you to join us, now can you sit down and take out your books”. The teacher said as he looked back at the board to continue the lesson. “Sir everyone has to leave now! There’s a group of things at the front of the school and their attacking anyone they see” Séan shouted as he was looking back to see if they followed us. 10 people stood up and walked over to us. “I’ll go with you’s, but if ya’s are lying I’m going to beat the s*** out of all of you’s!” said Oisín as he walked over to us. “Yeah, I’ll go with you’s too” said Alexis who walked over to Dezi smiling. As we left the room we could hear the others who stayed behind laughing at us, but then their laughs were replaced with screams, we didn’t bother on looking back.

 

“Okay we need to get to the sports hall to get weapons” I ordered as we ran outside the school, sticking to the corners checking if there are any dark figures further up. “Over here! I found an entrance to the sports hall” Daniel shouted as he opened a fire exit as we all followed him in. As we entered the sports hall we heard a strange noise almost like a moan at the back of the hall. We walked close to were the noise was coming from and stumbled on to sight none of us have ever seen or would thought of seeing, we immediately took cover behind the wall. Daniel peeked out from behind the wall to confirm what we just saw, he told us that there was one of those things was hovering over what seemed to be Séan’s girlfriend who layed there lifeless. Séan began to get teary eyed and soon broke out crying.

“I know what to do, because I read the Zombie survival guide” said Oisín sarcastically. Oisín walked in calmly, grabbed a nearby hurley stick and swung it towards the figure and cracked it over his head, “WHOOH” Oisín shouted as he pulled the hurley and tossed it onto the ground five feet away. Séan ran over and knelled beside the dead body, rage filled his eyes as he said “I’m sorry”.

 

We were interrupted by sounds of shots being fired and screams of people outside, after about ten minutes or so the screams vanished but left the sound of things banging against the door. We looked at each other with a look of confusion and panic on our faces, wondering what will happen next!

[TheEffinZ]

Can somebody give some feedback please?

[Phantom Roxas]

Weather Reports, Foe Fiction. These are what have shown us the writing capability of YCM. That is, very little at all. Do we need more proof of this? Yes, because these are Phantom's Divinations.

 

[spoiler=20 Questions]Well played, Roxas. Very well, I'll let you play along. We'll pursue every other protagonist then, is that it? I'll recruit Tay, you ask Ven for help, I consider what value Ryu would have, etcetera, etcetera. You had best pray that it would work out for you, although I'm sure that amassing an army of Gary Stus and/or complete imbeciles would do little to benefit either of us in the long run. Still, I have business to attend to, and here it comes now.

 

Hey, mister! Who are you?

 

You would think a trench coat and a hat that obscures my visage would tip him off that I might be so friendly. Oh well. I am a traveler, simply passing by. Tell me, would you happen to know someone by the name of Tay Williams?

 

That's me! But, how do you know me?

 

A mutual friend of ours suggested for me to find you, and I was referred to this area.

 

Who?

 

Oh, that's a surprise. Excuse me, I forgot my manners. My name is Votek.

 

Votek what?

 

I have no surname.

 

Bummer. So, what's up?

 

Well, to be frank, I require assistance reviewing this fanfic.

 

Um, sure, I'll help, I guess. Do you always ask people that when you meet them?

 

It's a personal habit of mine, I'm afraid.

 

And I can't see your face, either...

 

I have a skin disease.

 

You're a bit too suspicious...

 

And you're sharper than I had anticipated. Oh, don't run away, boy. I still have a job for you.

 

 

 

I told him not to run away. He should have listened. I suppose it had to turn out like this eventually. It's not a big loss, anyway. HiZOMBIRyouken's "High School of the Dead (IRELAND EDITION)" shouldn't require two people for a review anyway. I'm not familiar with the source material beyond "high school hentai WITH ZOMIBES", although it would appear that such is not necessary, since this is the sort of fanfic that recycles the plot of the source material and changes the location, which is precisely why the author chose such a "creative" title.

 

Let us see the premise of this story, shall we?

 

This story follows Dezi Madden (Real name Desmond) as he and a group of his friends try to survive the outbreak. Takes place in Ireland, so expect some Irish terms turn up

 

Interesting. Hopefully the author is actually aware of certain Irish terms and doesn't pointlessly throw them in to remind us that this story does, in fact, take place in Ireland.

 

( also it is wrote in Dezi's perspective, telling the story)

 

Unless we were expecting our narrator to be The Ishmael, it should be obvious from the opening narration that Dezi is telling her own story. Now let us finally begin this tale.

 

Chapter 1 - Z Day

 

I've seen worse.

 

“Have you ever noticed how boring this school is?” I questioned my two friends Séan and Daniel who were standing beside me on an outside stairs “mitching” our Biology class.

 

You humans and your ludicrous slang. What in blazes does it mean to be "mitching"?

 

Well, that Urban Dictionary site provided confirms that our three "heroes" are the classical archetype of lousy students. At least, that's what the hope. The second definition is simply disgusting.

 

It was nearing the end of the school day and the sky was turning a bright orange. “Yeah, I’ve noticed it too” replied Daniel calmly as he leaned against the wall of the building looking at Séan to answer. “I dunno guys, this is pretty exciting, I mean I’m pumped full of adrenalin” Séan finally replied as he was twitching and looking around just in-case a teacher found us.

 

"In fact, I'm so full of adrenaline that I'm going to cut class and lounge around! Aren't I such a model student?"

 

I closed my eyes to relax as they started a conversation amongst themselves and I thought to myself “Even if this is boring, I wouldn’t like it any other way”.

 

As old as this complaint must be, it suits this situation. Desmond, if you don't care about what is going on in your life, then why should we?

 

Then, a silence covered their conversation, I opened my eyes to see what had stopped their lively conversation, their faces looked full of disgust as they leaned across the railing of the stairs starring at something at the front of the school. I leaned over to see what they were looking at,

 

Ah, genuine interest. What could possibly be the source of this sudden disappearance of apathy?

 

only to see a dark disturbing figure in old torn rags devouring a girl who looked to be a year above us.

 

Well, it seems the plot didn't wait too long to show itself. I would have preferred more world building, and before you say "Well, that's how the manga started off," I skimmed the first chapter to see if that started off similarly, but that had the advantage of in medias res, and this doesn't seem to be built like that. We cannot feel as emotionally invested in these characters and feel horrible for the tragedy that they have now been thrown into as there really isn't much to their personalities to begin with.

 

“WHAT THE f***!” shouted Séan as the dark figure walked away. The figure looked back, but not at us but at a teacher who had screamed at the sight of the deed. The figure did not walk but limbed over to the teacher who was in so much fear she couldn’t move an inch. The figure attacked the teacher but we weren’t looking at that, we were looking at the front gate of the school were a horde of dark figures gathered. We quickly turned around and ran for our biology classroom to warn them of the danger.

 

“Quickly! Come with me!” I said out of breath as I rammed through the classroom door. “Oh! Dezi, Séan and Daniel, how nice of you to join us, now can you sit down and take out your books”. The teacher said as he looked back at the board to continue the lesson.

 

So Desmond finally arrives late to class, panicking, telling everyone to come with him... and all how the teacher has to say is "How nice of you to join us"? If he thought they were lying, wouldn't he have at least asked where they were?

 

“Sir everyone has to leave now! There’s a group of things at the front of the school and their attacking anyone they see” Séan shouted as he was looking back to see if they followed us. 10 people stood up and walked over to us.

 

Only ten people? Shouldn't they have been running, screaming, and/or asking questions?

 

“I’ll go with you’s, but if ya’s are lying I’m going to beat the s*** out of all of you’s!” said Oisín as he walked over to us.

 

Who's Oisín? What does he look like? Come to think of it, what do any of the characters look like? The only character descriptions we got was that the zombie was in rags and ate a girl that was apparently a older than the main characters. Considering how we don't even how old the main characters are, saying "she's a year older than us" is hardly a description.

 

“Yeah, I’ll go with you’s too” said Alexis who walked over to Dezi smiling.

 

Ah, the love interest, right on schedule.

 

As we left the room we could hear the others who stayed behind laughing at us, but then their laughs were replaced with screams, we didn’t bother on looking back.

 

Wait, did the zombies just bust through the windows of the classroom? And considering how Desmond and his group didn't even look back, is that supposed to imply that they were too focused on running for their lives (Which would make sense) or is that simply their way of saying "Serves you right for doubting us"? I assume it's the former, but they really don't seem too disturbed that the rest of their classmates have been devoured by zombies.

 

“Okay we need to get to the sports hall to get weapons” I ordered as we ran outside the school, sticking to the corners checking if there are any dark figures further up.

 

These zombies can apparently break into a classroom and instantly tear apart the inhabitants before they have a chance to escape. Being stealthy is not going to improve your chances of survival all that much.

 

“Over here! I found an entrance to the sports hall” Daniel shouted as he opened a fire exit as we all followed him in. As we entered the sports hall we heard a strange noise almost like a moan at the back of the hall. We walked close to were the noise was coming from and stumbled on to sight none of us have ever seen or would thought of seeing, we immediately took cover behind the wall. Daniel peeked out from behind the wall to confirm what we just saw, he told us that there was one of those things was hovering over what seemed to be Séan’s girlfriend who layed there lifeless. Séan began to get teary eyed and soon broke out crying.

 

I can understand Séan's sadness at the loss of his girlfriend, but I cannot feel the pathos in this scene. Séan's girlfriend is not named for the rest of the chapter, so it just feels like another casualty. Granted, it makes things personal for Séan, but the loss of his nameless girlfriend just comes across as another death in this story.

 

“I know what to do, because I read the Zombie survival guide” said Oisín sarcastically.

 

Let's see how long that makes him last then. Out of all the five named character thus far, I won't be surprised if Oisín is the first among them to die.

 

Oisín walked in calmly, grabbed a nearby hurley stick and swung it towards the figure and cracked it over his head, “WHOOH” Oisín shouted as he pulled the hurley and tossed it onto the ground five feet away.

 

Whether or not this actually did anything to the zombie is not explained. All that happens is that the hurley stick - which is actually a good way of maintaing the Irish setting - breaks on impact, and Oisín simply tossed it aside now it is useless. Readers don't need to have their hands held for every single detail, but it's not too hard to just write "and the zombie fell down."

 

Séan ran over and knelled beside the dead body, rage filled his eyes as he said “I’m sorry”.

 

 

We were interrupted by sounds of shots being fired and screams of people outside, after about ten minutes or so the screams vanished but left the sound of things banging against the door. We looked at each other with a look of confusion and panic on our faces, wondering what will happen next!

 

If that was your way of saying "To be continued," I'm not convinced. This could possibly result in a good zombie story, but right now this story is just so plain. The characters are bland, with Oisín probably being the one of the most personality, and I don't really see this story having much to get the readers invested. If you wish to continue this story, then by all means continue to do so, but I cannot stress enough that you must add more emotional investment and character depth.

 

 

What else is there to say? Roxas, this is the fourth universe I have traveled to for the sake of these reviews, and yet it still escapes me how you can track me as you have already. I suppose I should have expected nothing less from the Chronicler.

 

 

All chapters must be at least 2 pages in MS Word with single spacing, standard margins, and size 11 Arial font.

 

And with that, I am locking this. My review should help you come up with ways for how to expand this story, but as it stands now,