The World of Azzer

[Alice Moonflowyr]

[spoiler=Prolouge, Introduction to the Three Nations of Azzer] Deep down beneath the surface of the planet Azzer, was a burning inferno of a city. This city was ruled by a demon so ancient, some thought him immortal. This demons name was Pyrus. He had large, curled horns atop his head, and a nose not unlike that of a pig. He stood at five-foot three, and what he didn’t have in height, he more than made up for in strength. Pyrus was not a cruel demon though, but a fair one. He ruled his underground city of Otilus with justice and peace. But he feared. He feared that one day, the surface of Azzer would discover his city, and take it. So he kept himself and Otilus secret. But he knew that one day, they would come. So he trained an army. A vast army of burning soldiers, trained for combat on the rivers of magma, and the forests of licking flames. Pyrus waited for the surface to arrive. He waited and waited…..



Now, you might think that the whole planet was a burning inferno. Well, it’s not. The whole surface is that of forests, and large oceans, not unlike our earth. On the oceans, were many floating cities. Cities of such magnificence, it was hard to believe that there was no solid land beneath it. One of these cities was the capital, the name just being Capital for the peoples that named it were rather lacking in the creativity department. The Capital was ruled by an Elf named Nimue. She was a righteous queen, with an attitude not unlike Pyrus’s. Except, she did not believe in war. Nimue’s parents were pacifists, and she was brought up under a reign of total peace. Although news reached her of a threat, although not from underground…..


In one of the forests far from the Capital, lived a race called the Lizardfolk. People thought that they were primitive beasts, hunting to kill and eat, mate, and then their children would live the same. Well, they’re all wrong. The Lizardfolk have a little…..government….of their own, and it runs rather nicely. They have a tribe leader, and a group of Shamans who advise the leader. Their leader is a small Lizardman named Vennim. Not named lightly, Vennim is named after the poison that his kind can deal. Vennim is a lethal poison found only in the bodies of the Saai Lizardfolk. It works in three steps, which can take long hours. First, the poison dissolves the victims’ immune system. Next, the poison attacks the nerves in the legs, to prevent movement to get help. Lastly, it kills them. Not very pretty is it? Vennim is supposedly the last of his kind, but who ever believes that crap? Vennim has nurtured a hatred for all things not Lizardfolk, as he is extremely racist. He tried seeing someone, but failed drastically. He had built himself an army of warriors. He wanted to take the Capital, and rule the planet. So, he took eight long years out of his precious life to train an army. His Shamans tried to stop him, but there is nothing Lizardfolk love better than the hunt. And this was just a hunt to them….
The realm of peace the three nations knew is rapidly coming to an end…….[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Table o' Contents]
A Brief History of Azzer: [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/266300-the-world-of-azzer/page__view__findpost__p__5592282"]#8[/url]
[/spoiler]
OK, this might just be a cut above the rest of my s***! Plz rate and comment.

[Alice Moonflowyr]

nobody?

[Catterjune]

Somebody reported this for chapter length.

Pretty sure chapter length rule doesn't go into effect for prologues. =\

Anyway...



So we have this demon guy named Pyrus who's in charge of hell or something underneath the planet of Azzer. Apparently despite being Satan and ruling hell for eternity and possibly being immortal, or at least really old, he's afraid of losing his kingdom or something? Which is weird, because I figured Satan would have an army. Hell, he does have an army. So saying "he feared" makes it sound kind of like it's present tense. Is it implying he still fears, despite the army?

What does Satan need to fear for anyway? He's got an army, no one knows where his city is, and they couldn't possibly take it. I'm assuming it's like Earth, and the people on the surface are humans and fish and dogs and stuff, which prolly wouldn't want the land to begin with.

Just seems strange overall.

So apparently I'm supposed to think the planet was a burning inferno, but I personally didn't. I don't wanna sound like some asshole who's all like "OH WELL I WASN'T FOOLED SO YOUR PLAN FAILED!" Maybe somebody thought it was? IDK. Lastly, it's kind of in weird form to be directly speaking to the audience. I mean, it's not against any rules or something that should be avoided like the plague, it's just weird. It would be like suddenly changing perspectives in a work. I mean, I guess it's alright if you've already made a habit of it, change perspective once per chapter, but going like... 5 chapters, switching to a new guy telling the story for one chapter, then switching to the original guy it comes right the hell out of left field.


Anyway, I thought it was just earth, but with the devil being a real guy. And if the surface isn't all fire and brimstone, why would surface dwellers want to claim it? Especially if they were "cities of such magnificence, it was hard to believe that there was no solid land beneath it"? Why is Pyrus afraid people are gonna take Otilus? He's lived for hundreds of thousands of years and it hasn't happened yet? Is anyone else afraid of the surface coming down to kick their asses? It just seems like a really weird thing to be afraid of, all things considered. The surface has given them no reason to be afraid.

So the capital's named capital, and then the narrator claims the people are uncreative. Just seems weirdly out of place. If this was supposed to be humerous, it's weird to have one out of place moment of humour, because then it feels out of place. Just give it a normal name, or make the entire thing comedic.


So lastly we're introduced to some lizard folk and the already terrible writing gets even worse. But I don't like focusing on nitpicks, I'll focus on the story aspects.

Apparently, the lizards live in a forest far from the capital city. Understandable, the capital is a floating city in the ocean. However, they apparently want to take over the city too. So here's a tribe of lizard folk who live in a far away forest, and they're trying to take over the capital, though how they ever even heard of it is difficult to understand. I dunno, the way I understand it, it would be like Pre-Colombus Romans thinking they could take over America. It's like... there's no reason they would know it exists. You say Vennim is extremely racist so I figure any traveling elf from Capital would be decapitated before they even spoke.

So anyway, he tried seeing someone but failed drastically. The hell does that mean? He had a date and it was awful? He's blind? Seriously, I'm not one to talk but really, proofread this. And I rarely ever nitpick. =\

Anyway, so now Vennim's big dumb plan is to raise an army, take down the capital, and rule the world. Considering his super racism though, it makes no sense. Clearly he'd either want to kill everyone else, or just live a life of solitude with his lizard folk, not rule over many other races.

Even his fellow shamans told him to sit down and shut the hell up. So he's basically a guy with no support leading a war that no one really wants against a city they have no chance of defeating. Capital doesn't need an army, they can float and move their city if they really need to. The lizard guys lived all their lives in the forest, so they naturally have no experience with boats. or water. Their hunters who eat and kill, and boats are primarily used for trade and commerce.

The plot just stops working the moment even the slightest bit of logic is injected into it. We have a scaredy pants demon who's afraid of the surface, despite literally having no reason to fear it. We have a princess or something that rules a floating city up against some spear chucking little lizards.

I'm just not seeing the tension here, or if there is some tension its washed away when I think about it for just a minute. I mean, willful suspension of disbelief and all that, but you've got a small band of primitive lizards up against the most technologically advanced civilization on the face of the earth. You're really gonna try to bill that as the story of the century?

[Alice Moonflowyr]

*takes deep breath* Ok. I see I have a small(sarcasm)amount of explaining to do.
1. Pyrus and his demons have been living underground since the dawn of Azzer. The demons, while smart, fear the unknown greatly. Pyrus is the 5th king they know, although I will go into the history of the land later. Demons are the kings and queens of forging magical artifacts. Its a perfect furnace under there, with enough heat to melt the hardest metal.
2. Its supposed to be a funny. The underground is a burning inferno, the surface is a lush paradise (seemingly).
3. This introduces the three nations/charachters in the story. The way I speak to the audience is....uhh...well, my mom called it "exposition".
4. As for the name, you will see that it says "for the peoples that named it were rather lacking in the creativity department". I try to imply that its been around awhile, but apparently I failed >__>
5. I hope to explain this further with a history.(lizardfolk)
6. When the f*** did I mention the word technology? They keep the city afloat with MAGIC.

Here is a little thingy that will explain each races pros and cons.
[spoiler=Pyrus's Demons]
The Demons of Otilus are master forgers. They can forge any weapon, any item, as long as it uses metal and a forge. [/spoiler]
[spoiler=Nimue's Elves]Masters of the Arcane, the Elves found magec years and years before the floating citys, while they still lived in forests. They discovered magic, and used it to make the floating citys, and their Elven weapons and armor (which is the equivilant of bird s*** compared to the Demons stuff).[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Vennim's Lizardmen]The lizardmen are the masters of stealth, and poison. A few of the more civilised ones live in the floating cities, but they are shunned. The warriors encounter natural enemies within the forest, such as Hydras, Giant Snakes, and all sorts of other nasty things. Vennim is decended from the ancient Saai Lizardfolk, which were the dominiant lizardfolk during the time where the Elves lived in the forest. They developed and instictive hatred for them, as it is the elves fault that there are so little Saai left. So, even though yes, Vennim has never once laid eyes on an elf, he was brought up to hate them. The warriors train as the demons do, except they fight actual enemies.[/spoiler]Hope these clear some stuff up. Most of it will be included in a history of the land as well.

[Catterjune]

[quote]Ok. I see I have a small(sarcasm)amount of explaining to do.[/quote]

*doesn't read anything after this sentence*

Your story should do the explaining, not you.

[Alice Moonflowyr]

meh. I'm working on a history nao.

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

Well, it was better than Shadow Magic. That doesn't say much, but it was better.

My thoughts mostly match Pika's in that a lot of it is illogical and things are happening for the reason of 'because I said so.' The foundations are all built on sand in a rush so as soon as a question about why, how, or what is asked, nothing makes that much sense.

One point where I do differ from Pika from is the throwaway remarks and bits of humour in mid-paragraph, or the attempt to do them. Series of Unfortunate Events was brilliant for these, as is the guy Umbra takes his inspiration from, can't remember his name at the moment. I like the remark of 'Vennim went to see a counsellor about his problems, but it didn't work', it just wasn't done with enough impact. Something along the lines of "When he was a young hatchling, Vennim's parents were so deeply concerned with his behaviour that they sent him for twice weekly sessions with renowned lizardman psychologist Dr. Snakecharmer. Most regretably however these sessions not only failed to correct Vennim's discrimination issues, but ignited in him enough loathing towards his parents that he ate them..."

If you've got the stomach for horrors, I'd recommend Chapter 14 - Those Less Fortunate of the Dark Doorway by Umbra for a masterclass on this, and tense thriller writing in general.

[quote name='PikaPerson01' timestamp='1319233812' post='5592103']
*doesn't read anything after this sentence*

Your story should do the explaining, not you.
[/quote]

This.

I've been pinged for having to explain what was going on post chapters before, and the only reason someone would ever need to do it is because the chapter didn't explain it properly in the first place.

Saying treat your readers as invalids is perhaps too strong, but you have to treat them as young children. Young children who are ignorant of almost everything, and therefore you have to explain everything that is new to them. For examples in YGO Armageddon, the duelists did not have duel disks, but Duel Shields. Which was baiscially a duel disk, with a medievil battle shield attatched on the front. But I still had to say that rather than leave people thinking 'what the hell is a duel shield???' You don't have to baby walk them through every little thing, but you do need to help a lot.

[Alice Moonflowyr]

Yup. And I will do that with the histories. Which are coming.

[spoiler=A brief history of Azzer] A brief history of the Elven Lands……
Long ago, the Elven people shared the forest with the primitive Lizardfolk. There was a strange hatred between the two, for they did not coexist very well. The Lizardfolk, being a warlike race, refused to meet the Elves proposal of peace. The Elves, although they wish to avoid war most of the time, are deadly fighters without mercy. The Elves proceeded on a crusade to wipe out the Lizardfolk. The Lizardfolk were soundly beaten, again, and again. Eventually, the Second Leader of the Lizardfolk, Que-Wix, begged for mercy. The Elves agreed, provided that the Lizardfolk make themselves scarce.

So the Elves enjoyed peace in the forests for a long while. They rose up mighty towers, and cities, living prosperously and happily. However, that happiness was not to last. The Third Leader of the Lizardfolk, Gorgora, had reared up an army of Warriors, along with tame Hydras and other beasts. They overran the cities of the Elves, for the Elves had all but forgotten war.
The Second Leader of the Elves, Inioch, was desperate. He begged an audience with Gorgora, and said, “We showed you mercy once. Please return that kindness!” His words swayed Gorgora, and the Third Leader of the Lizardfolk sent the Elven people to a strange continent. “We will leave you alone. But how long can you survive here?”

At first, the Elven people were puzzled. Gorgora had brought them to a perfect paradise. Or so it seemed. They were on a circular island, which grew into a deep swamp the further you went in. One day, though, sickness came out of the swamp. Explorers came back colored green and red, or snorting out slugs. Teams of elite warrior Elves were sent in to discover what the disturbance was.

It was Magic. A large temple stood at the center of the island, in the shape of a large snake coiled up. On the top of the temple, they found one scroll. They brought it back, and a young Elf named Aalia stole it. Aalia read the scroll, and a blue light came out. It swirled around her, a blue mist that encircled her, trapping her. Suddenly, knowledge flowed into Aalias brain, not unlike how a river flows into a dry lake. Soon, Aalia had become the world’s first Warlock.

Aalia, as you can imagine, became the Third Leader of the Elves. She built the floating cities, and cast mighty spells to keep them afloat. The scroll that held the key to her gift, she hid in a demiplane of her own creation. The Elven Empire arose, building land cities as well as more floating ones. Then one day, Aalia was assassinated by a Saai. This Saai, Yuroi, had never forgiven the Elves for what they did to his race. He was the great-great-great grandson of Que-Wix.


As Aalia lay dying, she used her last breath to bring out the scroll, and hand it to her tiny daughter, only age 70, and said, “My precious daughter…..read this. You will become a greater leader than I, Queen of the Elven Empire!” With that last breath, she passed away.
Her daughter, who was Nimue as you very well know, did grow up to be a leader. Her father, Ellemedar, ruled the Empire until Nimue came of age, and was crowned. Now Vennim, the current ruler of the Lizardfolk, wants her dead.

Lizardfolk…..
After the Lizardfolks first war with the Elves, they kept their promise to become almost nonexistent. But the hatred still festered. The Lizardfolk grew angry at the Elves, as they watched them desecrate their forests with towers, and buildings, stealing their food and land. Que-Wix, The Second Leader of the Lizardfolk, was unhappy with his people’s attitude. He scolded them with speeches, saying that they need to be civil towards the [acronym=Lizardfolk’s word for Elves.]Elvenkind [/acronym], otherwise they would be nearly wiped out again.

It was during one such speech that Gorgora publicly killed Que-Wix. He jumped up to him, and literally ripped his head off with his bare hands. “The time for hiding like timid mice is past! We are not peaceful! We are not toys of those [acronym=The Lizardfolk God] Sillv [/acronym]-damned ELVES! WE. ARE. LIZARDFOLK!” He rallied the Lizardfolk to war, igniting their bloodlust, saying he would quench their thirst for Elven blood. Gorgora started taming Hydra’s as well, something that the Lizardfolk thought impossible. He soon had an army of nigh on 1,000 Lizardfolk, not counting the 50-odd Hydras.

The March was a historic moment for the Lizardfolk. Gorgora led his army through the forest, and any Elfin settlement they came upon was destroyed quickly and cleanly. When they reached the Elven capital, Acia, they massacred the Elven soldiers, who were by then more for show than actual use. Having had no warning, the Elves were taken completely by surprise. They nearly razed the capitol to the ground, except Inioch had come begging for mercy. The Lizardfolk remembered when The First Leader of the Elves, Quarion, showed them kindness, and gave in.
They sent them to the Island of Agui-Sil (Island of Sickness) to rot.

Gorgora then led campaigns against the Sanguan, the fish-people of the swamps, which they promptly eradicated. Then he moved on to the Draconians, until the only residents of the swamp and forest were the Lizardfolk. Gorgora ironically died of a knife wound from an accidental misthrow at a knife-throwing contest.

The next leader was a Saai, named Ulu-Phagrah. He was a master hunter, attacking his prey with his fangs and waiting for it to die. He ruled for about as long as Aalia. Then his son, Vennim, took over.

Ulu-Phagrah brought Vennim up to hate the Elves. He told him the stories of the Elves conquering the Lizardfolk, and the story of how the Lizardfolk fought back. Vennim was so immersed in these stories, that his hatred of elves became so great, he went mad. He started seeing Elves everywhere, everywhere. Ulu-Phagrah took him to a Shaman to help, but the Shaman, whose name was Snaketounge, couldn’t fix it completely. He eased it enough so Vennim didn’t go completely insane, but even now any mention of an Elf or even the word, sends him into the most violent of rages.



Not much is known of Pyrus and the Demon Horde. As far as written history, no-one on the surface has ever laid eyes on a Demon, and vice-versa. Demons are a thing of legend, of myth. However, a little knowledge was gleaned about them from that Scroll that Aalia read. Demons, having never known anything but fire and brimstone, have a great and terrible fear of the unknown. They found out about the surface thousands of years before the Great Wars of Elf and Lizard. They were terrified of it, for they were very sensitive to things such as magic, though they could not wield it themselves. They sensed it when Aalia read the Scroll of Secrets, and when she cast the mighty spell that held up the floating cities.
Demons are masters at the craft of Forging. Even the most skilled blacksmith in the entire multiverse would wonder at their weapons. Every once in a while, one of the “lesser” demon swords makes it to the surface, and those become legendary “Swords of Power”. Seven of them have been recorded to have somehow gotten up to the surface.[/spoiler]

[Catterjune]

Okay so... the elves are the most [s]technologicaly[/s] advanced species on the surface. They built a highly advanced floating city far far away from their natural enemies, and their enemies are primitive savages. To top that off though, elves are deadly fighters without mercy? Come on now.

Even when they were more evenly matched they're still soundly wiping the Lizard's asses. Now they became even more powerful then they've ever been before with the magic scroll. Even the demons are said to be in awe of the magic elves possess, and they're the demons.

Again, how am I supposed to assume for even one second that this war would last longer then a day and end in anything other then the Lizard's defeat?

I'm sure you'll probably mention that apparently won that one battle, but from what I read it was a lucky break, and a surprise assault, nothing else.


Gonna agree with Bahamut here (and not just 'cause he agreed with me). Explain more about your story. What the hell is a Hyrdra, a Sanguan, or a Draconian? What's the point of needless exposition, like the name of Vennim's therapist, or the fact that he went to a therapist to begin with?

So tl;dr - This story has no tension and any attempts at creating some would likely seem boldly out of character.