Nebula [ Chapter 1 ] [PG 14]

[Lunar Origins]

I'm bored, and I dunno what to do.
[spoiler=Chapter 1] An air of hostility had begun to fill the courtyard as two figures stood across from each other- one was a tall, timid looking boy with wire frame glasses, short-but-ragged brown hair and vivid blue eyes. He had a look that screamed 'fear' on his face. Across from him was a slightly shorter boy, whose stance suggested hostility- fists balled, shoulders wide. He had a smug grin across his dirty face, which obviously hadn't been washed in at least a month. His shoulder length hair, however, seemed to retain a magnificent black that wouldn't be expected of someone like him. He spoke to the boy cowering in fear with a tang in his voice- this was obviously amusing for him.

“What, is the all-knowing Nero scared of me?” He spat out, his words laced with a hateful poison. He took a step towards Nero as a crowd began to gather around. “I've had enough of your crap, Nero, and I think it's high time I silenced you for good.” Murmurs of excitement rose through the crowd as the angry boy sped up his pace towards Nero.

“Yeah! Get him, Cris!” Yelled out one particularly odd sounding fellow from the crowd.

Nero was beginning to back up, but was stopped. The crowd had begun to form a tight circle around the pair- there was no way out! He attempted to push his way out of the enclosing, but was only pushed back out as members of the group booed him for his efforts. Cris was now less than five feet away from him, and he was already pulling his sleeves up in an effort to look threatening. Somehow, it worked.

“Now, Cris, I'm sure we can work things out... I mean, I didn't mean to say that about-” Nero was stopped as Cris threw a punch, connecting with the left side of Nero's face. His glasses sailed off into a patch of grass, leaving him blind. Cris picked him up off of the ground and looked him straight in the eye, their faces only a few inches away from each other.

“Don't you dare mention it here, Nero.” He whispered, bringing Nero closer to him with each word. “Don't you dare.” He dropped Nero on the ground and delivered a swift kick to his gut. The crowd gasped at this move, but they soon broke out into laughter when Cris spit on Nero.

After a few moments of that, the crowd calmed down as Cris had kneeled next to Nero- whom was unconscious now. “Do you guys think I overdid it?” Asked Cris sarcastically. Several members of the crowd shifted around nervously, as if they were unsure about what to say. Eventually one member had the audacity to speak out against Cris' actions.

“Cris... do you really think that you should be doing this to him? He hasn't really done anything wrong, you know...” The one speaking was a tall blonde haired girl. Her voice was slightly panicked. “What if the police were to come and see him like this? What then?”

“Oh, shut up.” Retorted Cris, who now towered over Nero's limp body. “No one cares about this worthless pile of trash.” He kicked Nero a second time, now hitting his arm. A cracking sound echoed throughout the courtyard, and several gasps ran throughout the small crowd. “What a waste of space. C'mon, guys. Let's get out of here. You're all making me paranoid.”
-----------------------------------------

Nero woke up, though he wasn't in the courtyard when he did so. His arm, as he soon found out, had been nearly snapped in two. A cast was already set, though, and no pain emanated from that area. He was thoroughly perplexed.

“Oh, I thought I would just fix up your arm as you were asleep... That was quite a nasty crack, if I do say so myself.” Sounded a fairly old voice. Nero nearly jumped out of his skin upon hearing it, and the voice laughed. “I see you're wide awake, now... Come, sit.”

Nero looked around the room, only to find that an old woman sat next to a fireplace on a sofa. She rested her hand on the area next to her, a gesture telling Nero to sit. He strolled over to her, a shot of pain running through his side with each step.

The old woman took notice of this and produced a small vial. “Here, take this...” She murmured, offering him the object. “Drink its contents. Lord knows you need it more than my old bones...” She laughed, which was an odd, creaking sound. Nero quickly uncapped the small vial and downed its entire contents in one go. The old woman laughed again.

Nero just looked at her- she really was odd for an old lady. Her hair was snow white, but something about it told him that that wasn't natural. She wore a white dress with so many layers that it was hard to tell how thin the woman really was. Her face was the oddest feature of all- it looked as if she had taken pounds upon pounds of powder to it! Nero almost laughed, but didn't. It would be rude to laugh in front of the person that just saved your life.

“Excuse me, but... Where exactly am I? I don't remember much about what happened after the fight... In fact, I remember nothing!” A perplexed look crossed his face. Something just didn't seem right here.

“You ask where you are? Well, let's keep that for later. You see, what happened was...” The old woman explained to him in full detail what had happened. She had watched him get the living crap beat out of him by Cris, who left after breaking his arm with a kick. She had went into the courtyard and retrieved Nero after the bully had left. She said she had done 'something' to his arm, and that it should completely heal within a few days. As she ended her story, Nero was even more confused than before.

“Why did you help me?” He asked eagerly like a child asking why the sky was blue. He wanted answers.

“That's simple... I've been watching you for some time, and I think you can-” She cut herself off. “Do you want revenge on that bully, who has tormented you for years? Do you not feel anger towards him? Do you want him... gone?” She asked this so seriously- she wasn't joking.

Nero couldn't help but reply with complete honesty.

“Yes, I want him gone.”

“Good. I can help you with that.” A wicked smile crossed her face. “Do you believe in magic?”[/spoiler]

Forgive my stupidity and the shortness of Chapter 1. I'm tired.

[Not-so-Radiant Arin]

Forgive me for asking, but why don't you just continue your last Fan-Fic that you made on here? It certainly looked a lot more interesting than this one.

If you want me to review this, then just give me the go. Otherwise, that is all I have at this point.

[Not-so-Radiant Arin]

[size=7][font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif]Going with Something Different: [color=#ff0000]Devil's Advocates "Heartfelt" Review.[/color][/font][/size]

[size=7][font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif][color=#FF0000][size=4][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]The other day, a few of my mates and I were talking about what would be the hardest book to write? And my response was, "Nothing is ever difficult, as long as you make up a solid plot, a solid beginning, a spectacular ending, and then go back and fill the rest in." My mates were shocked at this idea, but they also found some honesty and truth within it. "If you have a beginning, you know where to end. If you know where you are going, it's easier to get there." This quote, in part used by the famous "ramblings" of Oscar Collier, co-author of the book "How to Write and Sell your First Novel", introduces novelists to the idea that it is better to build a bridge of satisfaction, rather than just laying down bricks in a disorganized fashion.[/font][/size][/color][/font][/size]

[size=7][font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif][color=#FF0000][size=4][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]The Fan-Fiction forum, for me, is a way to test the abilities and intelligence (maybe not for all) of dear writers who are close to me and share the same feelings as I do of writing. Everyone on the Fan-Fiction forum who decides to post here is automatically a friend of mine, and it just goes to show the aptitude that these writers possess. [/font][/size][/color][/font][/size]

[size=7][font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif][color=#FF0000][size=4][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]I've known a fellow writer of mine for about three months now, and his/her name (evidenced by the picture that he/she uses) is Lunar Origin. Now, Lunar Origin has posted a story on here about a month back, which I found to be interesting. It was about two people who were planning to kidnap someone, and I smelled a mystery murder story all over the place. Nevertheless, Lunar never updated this Fan-Fiction. Now, I am on here, reporting to you live from this story, which happens to be Lunar Origin's 2nd story that he/she posted on here. It is called Nebula, hinting at some kind of Witchcraft-themed story. All of my comments will be in bold throughout the story, and the original story will be in italicized format.[/font][/size][/color][/font][/size]

[size=7][font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif][color=#FF0000][size=4][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Let's dive in.[/font][/size][/color][/font][/size]

[i]An air of hostility had begun to fill the courtyard as two figures stood across from each other- one was a tall, timid looking boy with wire frame glasses, short-but-ragged brown hair and vivid blue eyes. He had a look that screamed 'fear' on his face. Across from him was a slightly shorter boy, whose stance suggested hostility- fists balled, shoulders wide. He had a smug grin across his dirty face, which obviously hadn't been washed in at least a month. His shoulder length hair, however, seemed to retain a magnificent black that wouldn't be expected of someone like him. He spoke to the boy cowering in fear with a tang in his voice- this was obviously amusing for him.[/i]

[b][color=#ff0000]Ahh, yes, we immediately jump into one of those action scenes that you might see in a typical school-fight of some sorts. But.......the hair color. I posted this on another Fan-Fiction on here recently and I think it will come into play now more than ever.[/color][/b]

[b][color=#FF0000][quote][/color][/b][b][color=#ff0000]Unless one had a Green Afro and the other had Purple Dreadlocks, hair styles and coloring is just going to be another unnecessary detail.[/quote][/color][/b]

[i]“What, is the all-knowing Nero scared of me?” [/i]

[b][color=#ff0000]If they were in a school type setting and if this was a regular schoolfight, why would the kid be all-knowing? That's what School is for![/color][/b]

[i]He spat out, his words laced with a hateful poison. He took a step towards Nero as a crowd began to gather around. “I've had enough of your crap, Nero, and I think it's high time I silenced you for good.” [/i]

[b][color=#ff0000]Some weird Exposition that the writer hasn't seemed to introduce yet.....Granted this is a first Chapter, but at least give us the privilege of knowing WHY this kid is beating the other kid mercilessly instead of just leaving us in the dark. [/color][/b]

[i]Murmurs of excitement rose through the crowd as the angry boy sped up his pace towards Nero.[/i]

[b][color=#ff0000]Yeah, definitely a school-fight setting.[/color][/b]

[i]“Yeah! Get him, Cris!” Yelled out one particularly odd sounding fellow from the crowd.[/i]

[b][color=#ff0000]I see a typing error here. Since this is a "Heartfelt Review", I'll leave it up to you to decide what it is. Unless, of course, that was intentional...to which I say, "yuck".[/color][/b]

[i]Nero was beginning to back up, but was stopped. The crowd had begun to form a tight circle around the pair- there was no way out! He attempted to push his way out of the enclosing, but was only pushed back out as members of the group booed him for his efforts. Cris was now less than five feet away from him, and he was already pulling his sleeves up in an effort to look threatening. Somehow, it worked.[/i]

[b][color=#ff0000]So, the school bully wasn't threatening before? I thought that if you were a school bully that you would always look like an arrogant douche bag, with a crew cut hair job and spiked bands around your wrists, and the word "MOFO" drilled into your teeth with a golden flash. Guess not...[/color][/b]

[i]“Now, Cris, I'm sure we can work things out... I mean, I didn't mean to say that about-” [/i]

[b][color=#ff0000]Again, Plot...[/color][/b]

[i]Nero was stopped [/i]

[b][color=#ff0000]Passive voice....one of the Seven Wonders of how Novels instantaneously go down the toilet in shame.[/color][/b]

[i]as Cris threw a punch, connecting with the left side of Nero's face. His glasses sailed off into a patch of grass, leaving him blind. [/i]
[i]Cris picked him up off of the ground and looked him straight in the eye, their faces only a few inches away from each other.[/i]

[b][color=#ff0000]"....And I could clearly see the word "MOFO" drilled into his teeth...."[/color][/b]

[i]“Don't you dare mention it here, Nero.” He whispered, bringing Nero closer to him with each word. “Don't you dare.” He dropped Nero on the ground and delivered a swift kick to his gut. The crowd gasped at this move, but they soon broke out into laughter when Cris spit on Nero.[/i]

[b][color=#ff0000]I'm tired of being left in the dark. Oh, and about that Seven Wonders of Novels thing, I'm pretty sure this is in there, too.[/color][/b]

[i]After a few moments of that, the crowd calmed down as Cris had kneeled next to Nero- whom was unconscious now. “Do you guys think I overdid it?” Asked Cris sarcastically. Several members of the crowd shifted around nervously, as if they were unsure about what to say. Eventually one member had the audacity to speak out against Cris' actions.[/i]

[b][color=#ff0000]There's also another error here. Last time I checked, "kneeled" is not a word. The proper term would be "knelt". Intelligence -1.[/color][/b]

[i]“Cris... do you really think that you should be doing this to him? He hasn't really done anything wrong, you know...” The one speaking was a tall blonde haired girl. Her voice was slightly panicked. “What if the police were to come and see him like this? What then?”[/i]

[b][color=#ff0000]He's the school bully. They always get away with it. Haven't you ever played "Bully" on the PS3?[/color][/b]

[i]“Oh, shut up.” Retorted Cris, who now towered over Nero's limp body. “No one cares about this worthless pile of trash.” He kicked Nero a second time, now hitting his arm. A cracking sound echoed throughout the courtyard, and several gasps ran throughout the small crowd. “What a waste of space. C'mon, guys. Let's get out of here. You're all making me paranoid.”[/i]

[b][color=#ff0000]So now, the situation has gone from bullying to a situation of "I wish you were dead". Bullying happens because (start rant mode in five, four, three, two, one...) of many things. It can happen because of jealousy and attempting to put down the other person. It can happen because of the stages of power in our society. The way that you handled the situation afterwards blared out "Okay, I'm going to kill you now. I don't care about the bullying anymore". Also, I do not believe that "paranoid" would be the proper term to use in this kind of situation. Bullies usually aren't afraid of the 5-0. It just feels awkward and out of place.[/color][/b]

[b][color=#FF0000]And now, we come to our first Paragraph Break. Due to the fact that I am directing this infamous movie (which is probably cliched, over-abundantly sarcastic, and in no way helpful), I am going to microwave a kettle of popcorn. We will be back in five minutes.[/color][/b]

[b][color=#FF0000]**Is totally kidding**[/color][/b]

[i]Nero woke up, though he wasn't in the courtyard when he did so. His arm, as he soon found out, had been nearly snapped in two. A cast was already set, though, and no pain emanated from that area. He was thoroughly perplexed.

“Oh, I thought I would just fix up your arm as you were asleep... That was quite a nasty crack, if I do say so myself.” [/i]

[b][color=#ff0000]If it was anyone else, I would have taken that the WRONG way. Fortunately, this is a story, and you aren't supposed to take everything at face-value when reading/critiquing a story.[/color][/b]

[i]Sounded a fairly old voice. Nero nearly jumped out of his skin upon hearing it, and the voice laughed. “I see you're wide awake, now... Come, sit.”[/i]

[i]Nero looked around the room, only to find that an old woman sat next to a fireplace on a sofa. She rested her hand on the area next to her, a gesture telling Nero to sit. He strolled over to her, a shot of pain running through his side with each step.[/i]

[b][color=#ff0000]That old woman really is something, huh? Why couldn't she have just let the boy sit in the middle of the floor and let him recuperate there. It seems really devilish that she would do that...[/color][/b]

[i]The old woman took notice of this and produced a small vial. “Here, take this...” She murmured, offering him the object. “Drink its contents. Lord knows you need it more than my old bones...” [/i]

[b][color=#ff0000]I'm sensing a Disney moment. "Here, drink this. It'll turn you into a FROG! A frog that can sing, tap-dance, and wear a top hat. [/color][/b]

[b][color=#FF0000]Or was that Looney Tunes? I'm losing my touch.[/color][/b]

[i]She laughed, which was an odd, creaking sound. Nero quickly uncapped the small vial and downed its entire contents in one go. The old woman laughed again.[/i]

[b][color=#ff0000]Since this is a Disney setting we are working with, I'm going to go ahead and say that the old woman is the witch from Snow White. All of the signs are there: she cackles (as do all female Disney Antagonists) and gives strange objects to people demanding them to turn them into FROGs![/color][/b]

[i]Nero just looked at her- she really was odd for an old lady. Her hair was snow white, but something about it told him that that wasn't natural. She wore a white dress with so many layers that it was hard to tell how thin the woman really was. Her face was the oddest feature of all- it looked as if she had taken pounds upon pounds of powder to it![/i]

[b][color=#ff0000]....Or is it Snow White......[/color][/b]

[i]Nero almost laughed, but didn't. It would be rude to laugh in front of the person that just saved your life.[/i]

[i]“Excuse me, but... Where exactly am I? I don't remember much about what happened after the fight... In fact, I remember nothing!” A perplexed look crossed his face. Something just didn't seem right here.[/i]

[b][color=#ff0000]It was probably something with the little vial that [Snow White] she gave him. **Is anticipating another FROG scene.**[/color][/b]

[i]“You ask where you are? Well, let's keep that for later. You see, what happened was...” The old woman explained to him in full detail what had happened. She had watched him get the living crap beat out of him by Cris, who left after breaking his arm with a kick. She had went into the courtyard and retrieved Nero after the bully had left. She said she had done 'something' to his arm, and that it should completely heal within a few days. As she ended her story, Nero was even more confused than before.[/i]

[b][color=#ff0000]Aww, you killed the character development. Why couldn't you have just explained her story in full detail, instead of just butchering it? I also don't understand why she stood out and waited right at the last moment, instead of doing something while the bully was beating Nero to a pulp. That's like saying, (start rant mode in five, four, three, two, one...) "I'm bored, I'm just gonna stand here and watch and not do anything". The people that don't do anything to stop bullying are just as guilty as the bully themselves. I thought you would've known that.[/color][/b]

[b][color=#FF0000]Oh and also about the Character Development thing: It's okay. Walt Disney did it too.[/color][/b]

[i]“Why did you help me?” He asked eagerly like a child asking why the sky was blue. He wanted answers.

“That's simple... I've been watching you for some time, and I think you can-” She cut herself off.[/i]

[color=#ff0000][size=8][font=tahoma,geneva,sans-serif]E[/font][/size][/color][color=#ff8c00][size=8]X[/size][/color][size=8][color=#FFFF00]P[/color][color=#00ff00]O[/color][color=#00ffff]S[/color][color=#0000ff]I[/color][color=#800080]T[/color][color=#0000ff]I[/color][color=#00ff00]O[/color][color=#ff8c00]N[/color][/size] [color=#ff0000][size=8]RAINBOW!!!!!!!![/size][/color]

[b][color=#ff0000]Kinda fits into the whole thing that has been bugging me since I began reading this story. Besides, no one else has done it, so I feel I should popularize it.[/color][/b]

[i]“Do you want revenge on that bully, who has tormented you for years? Do you not feel anger towards him? Do you want him... gone?” She asked this so seriously- she wasn't joking.[/i]

[b][color=#ff0000]It doesn't seem like a joking topic. Remember Anastasia.....[/color][/b]

[i]Nero couldn't help but reply with complete honesty.

“Yes, I want him gone.”

“Good. I can help you with that.” A wicked smile crossed her face. “Do you believe in magic?”[/i]

[b][color=#ff0000]Yep, this is a total Disney Rip-Off.[/color][/b]

[b][color=#FF0000]And with that, we have reached the conclusion of this magnificently cliched Opening Chapter. Going back to the Exposition Rainbow Reference......yeah, you really need to work on delivering that Plot so that it makes sense to us, and not keep us in the dark. Other than that, if you can avoid the nuermous Disney References, fix up the detail, work on what is the correct and what is not, then we might have a magnificent story on our hands. As always, if you want me to Beta-Read the rest of your Chapters, feel free to shoot me a PM. I should probably work on sigging that, but none of what I say is sig-worthy anyway.[/color][/b]

[b][color=#FF0000]This is Devil's Advocate, and I am signing off.[/color][/b]

[b][color=#FF0000]BZZT![/color][/b]