Corvidae Posted October 12, 2011 Report Share Posted October 12, 2011 - Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted October 17, 2011 Report Share Posted October 17, 2011 Can't claim to the greatest expert on nautical stuff, but I find the way the Scrapper (great name for a cargo ship) got lost like that. That it was actually in port, but half of the passangers had stayed on the boat during the unloading (I'm guessing it would take some time). Then because one line (surely a chain for an anchor) snapped, it floats slowly out of the harbour, being watched by loads of people who don't do anything to bring it back with tugboats or anything, and no-one on board can just drive it back or anywhere at all (so all the crew got off but not all the passangers, really). What was wrong with just a storm at sea? As for the chapter - help, I'm being crushed by the weight of names being thrown at me! Every other sentence someone completely new speaks and I'm just thinking 'who the hell is that!?'. The events that occur are also moving at too much of a breck-neck pace. I'm actually reading a published book by a professional author called 'Temeraire' at the moment and three chapters into it I'm struggling to read it because of the same problems as this, and that's a published work. I dunno maybe I'm weird in some way then, but just slow it down. Think of how your characters are having a slow, painful death. Every minute is going to feel like an hour for them. Sure I can't imagine much would happen in that time but you're wasting a great opportunity to really lay out a mood of doom and despair. Please, please, please, please..................................................... please, please, PLEASE space out paragraphs like this. It makes reading so much easier. There are positives however. Simply that this is a horror based on human fear and suffering in desperate circumstances is something different here and could be good if given more thought and detail. Would have been intruiging except for you taking the downright mad decision of revealing immediately that only four are alive at X point before going back to when there was 18 around. Why you did that I can't understand. The ideas are good, the implementation needs to be improved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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