Βyakuya Posted October 8, 2011 Report Share Posted October 8, 2011 [center][size=5][b][font=Verdana]YUGIOH BEHIND THE CARDS[/font][/b][/size] [i]A several years have passed since Yugi Moto has departed with Yami Yugi, and ever since he has went to America to expand his dueling career. After Yugi leaves, Japan is coming into a depression and Kaiba Corp stock is continuing to decrease, until it resorts on a compact with a mysterious company. Months later, there have been an uprising of duelists dying and disappearing, and a number of duelists drop out of dueling for good, until a bold young man takes the stage with his younger brother to keep on the tradition of dueling and pursue what is behind the murders for good.[/i] [b]YUGIOH: BEHIND THE CARDS[/b] [spoiler=Characters] Kiyoshi Misaki[/spoiler] [spoiler=Volume 1: Sudden] [spoiler=Chapter 1: Start] In front of the steps of Duel Academy, light was shimmering down, while the cool chilly breeze rolled in. Kiyoshi Misaki begins moving up those steps, along with his his little brother Tarou Misaki as they begin a new journey into duel monsters. As they approach the main building, both were gleaming at the building's edge. "Hey, this is our first day into Duel Academy, but why are you feeling so calm?", said Tarou. Although wearing many layers of clothing, he was shivering. "It's nothing special, Tarou", said Kiyoshi. "It's normal school, only it's specialized for dueling, and that's fun". Kiyoshi was looking through the doors already with confidence. As the two went through, they met the receptionist at the front desk, who was stacking papers. "Excuse me, we are new students here and we already registered", said Kiyoshi. "We would to know what our classes are now". "Oh yes, you must be the two brothers Principal Nakamura mentioned. I'll arrange", she said. Through many paper sorting, the receptionist pulled out slips and gave the to the boys. "These aren't schedules nor class names, just places...", said Tarou, who was wandering around the hallway while reading the paper. "You see, when someone enters Duel Academy, they must first pass through a beginning duel. Judges will rate your performance and will place you in a class afterward. So you are to meet the Principal in the Gym immediately." "Okay, thanks a lot". After an exchange of thanks, onwards to the Gym. The gym was a giant room willed with many arenas, specialized for duel setups, and there were many machines where holograms of duel monsters were projected and made almost real effects. From the stands, were a few students, each waiting on other students to finish duels. One duel at a near corner, involved a frivolous looking student attacking directly with his Gearfried the Iron Knight. "That guy's got something to protect him I guess.", said Kiyoshi, who was watching. From that distance, it was shown the boy defended himself with Defense Draw. "Yeah, I knew something was up his sleeve". From the emergency exit at the other side of the Gym came a chubby looking man in a pinstripe suit, supposedly the Prinicpal. "Oh, if you two are the Misaki boys, then come here!", he shouted, causing a slight uproar in the Gym. As they approached to him, the Principal gave gentle handshakes to each of the boys. "Well it looks like you're back to enroll it seems", said the principal as took off his overcoat. "We've set up opponents for you to rival with. Weston! Ayden! Two students came out from a door, one was taller than the other; he had frizzy brown hair, worn dirty jeans and a cowboy hat. The other was shorter and younger; he had nicer light brown hair, and had some freckles. "These two gentlemen will be paired with each of you to duel." The bigger one came to Kiyoshi and offered a handshake. "My name is Weston Goldmann. What is yours?". He seemed to have an English accent. "Misaki, Kiyoshi, and its nice to meet you". Weston freezed for a moment, and stared into Kiyoshi. Weston suddenly took a step back and his calm face turned serious. [i]"Why did he suddenly step back like that? Was he scared? He looks a bit angry..."[/i] "So it's Kiyoshi? Get to an arena so we can start pounding." Weston took his duel disk and deck and walked past Kiyoshi, slightly pushing him, and leaned on a wall. [i]"God...what is with this guy all of a sudden?"[/i] Kiyoshi and Weston were set up on both sides of the arena, with nothing on their backs but a duel disk and deck, and both had a serious look. "Kiyoshi, I will show you how it's really done here.", said Weston, who equipped his disk. "Whatever. Let's just have a clean match!", said Kiyoshi. [b]DUEL![/b] As quickly as possible, the two drawn their first 5 cards and set up their battle stances. "I'll start off. It's my turn", said Weston. "I activate Archeolum Peacemaker's effect in my hand. I send Archeolum Licerta from my deck to the Graveyard." [spoiler=Card Info] [img]http://img198.imageshack.us/img198/248/104041.jpg[/img] When this card is sent from the field to the Graveyard: You can Special Summon 1 "Archeolum" from your Graveyard, except "Archeolum Peacemaker". You can discard this card from your hand; send 1 "Archeolum" from your Deck to the Graveyard, then draw 1 card. [/spoiler] [i]"So this deck relies on a specific deck-milling strategy...gotta watch out.."[/i] "I set 2 cards face-down and end my turn." *In Progress* [/spoiler][/spoiler][/center] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not-so-Radiant Arin Posted October 15, 2011 Report Share Posted October 15, 2011 I'm not sure if this would count as a Necrobump, but I would most certainly like to take a look at this fan-fic. However, I cannot right now because I have other plans. Your story looks very interesting (as does all of the other Yu-Gi-Oh Fan-Fiction on here, or at least until I read it). So RESERVE ME THIS SPOT! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Βyakuya Posted October 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 15, 2011 Thanks a lot. Currently I can't edit this and I'm struggling over the plot. So yes you can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not-so-Radiant Arin Posted October 17, 2011 Report Share Posted October 17, 2011 [quote name='Light Υagami' timestamp='1318691561' post='5580885'] Thanks a lot. Currently I can't edit this and I'm struggling over the plot. So yes you can. [/quote] Alright, I am officially back and open for business. [font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif][size=7]Going with Something Different: [color=#ff0000]Devil's Advocate's [/color]"Heart-Felt" Review [size=6](hopefully more heartfelt than the last one)[/size][/size][/font] [font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif][size=7][size=6][size=4][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][color=#ff0000]I hear that all of the world's greatest writers once had to start somewhere, and build upon their foundations. No one is born six foot and can slam dunk basketballs at age five. No one is born being able to run a marathon in less than an hour and a half. And most certainly, no one is born an ingenious writer with lots of expertise and a great sense of emotion. [/color][/font][/size][/size][/size][/font] [font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif][size=7][size=6][size=4][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][color=#FF0000]What does the reader want from me, a writer might ask themselves. What is in the story that I am attempting to write? "If you don't write it, you won't get it published. Simple truth. Other people much like you join the ranks of novelists every year. Simple truth. "Ha!" you say, "But I'm just ordinary." "Ha!" I say. "So were they! Except nobody is really ordinary".[/color][/font][/size][/size][/size][/font] [font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif][size=7][size=6][size=4][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][color=#FF0000]Much like people started off weak, others started off weak, too. And if I may direct your attention to the above story, Light Yagami's "Yugioh Behind the Cards". Yep, that is the title ladies and gentleman, implying that our fabulous, upstart writer does not know the proper spelling for Yu-Gi-Oh!. But anyways, let us look more in depth at this, hopefully, magnificent story, as we delve into the plot. Everything in bold shall be my response.[/color][/font][/size][/size][/size][/font] [i]A several years have passed since Yugi Moto has departed with Yami Yugi, and ever since he has went to America to expand his dueling career. After Yugi leaves, Japan is coming into a depression and Kaiba Corp stock is continuing to decrease, until it resorts on a compact with a mysterious company. Months later, there have been an uprising of duelists dying and disappearing, and a number of duelists drop out of dueling for good, until a bold young man takes the stage with his younger brother to keep on the tradition of dueling and pursue what is behind the murders for good.[/i] [color=#FF0000][b]Now, let me take a moment out of time to declare that Exposition and Plot is a darned tricky thing to handle. Reveal too much at one time and your plot thins out like butter. It becomes dull, dry, and boring to most readers. Reveal too little, and your readers will overthink the situation (I know its not a word, but just flow with it here) and draw their own conclusions, bringing the plot down even more than what it was intended for.[/b][/color] [color=#FF0000][b]The thing I also noticed with this pretext is that it is written in present tense. Scripts are written in present tense format. Stories are written in past tense format. Already I can tell this is going to be a marvelous story to review. If this gets locked before I finish, then sue me world.[/b][/color] [color=#FF0000][b]Anyways, we are now ready to dive in into "Yu-Gi-Oh: Behind the Cards", spelled properly, and critique, hopefully, in a pleasant manner.[/b][/color] [i]In front of the steps of Duel Academy, light was shimmering down, while the cool chilly breeze rolled in. Kiyoshi Misaki begins moving up those steps, along with his his little brother Tarou Misaki as they begin a new journey into duel monsters. As they approach the main building, both were gleaming at the building's edge.[/i] [color=#ff0000][b]The last two bits of structure seems just a little bit...awkward. Possibly because there was a switch from present tense to past tense. It is at this time that I declare that you make up your mind and stick with one tense. [/b][/color] "Hey, this is our first day into Duel Academy, but why are you feeling so calm?", said Tarou. Although wearing many layers of clothing, he was shivering. "It's nothing special, Tarou", said Kiyoshi. "It's normal school, only it's specialized for dueling, and that's fun". Kiyoshi was looking through the doors already with confidence. [b][color=#ff0000]So they must not have heard the rumors of Jaden Yuki, Cyrus Truesdale, and Jesse Anderson all fighting for survival as they went into the Shadow Realm in order to stop the rampaging Supreme King from taking over the world.[/color][/b] As the two went through, they met the receptionist at the front desk, who was stacking papers. "Excuse me, we are new students here and we already registered", said Kiyoshi. "We would to know what our classes are now". "Oh yes, you must be the two brothers Principal Nakamura mentioned. I'll arrange", she said. Through many paper sorting, the receptionist pulled out slips and gave the to the boys. [b][color=#ff0000]Again, I see another error here. Wouldn't there be "much" paper sorting, as there were a "bunch of papers" that she was organizing?[/color][/b] "These aren't schedules nor class names, just places...", said Tarou, who was wandering around the hallway while reading the paper. "You see, when someone enters Duel Academy, they must first pass through a beginning duel. Judges will rate your performance and will place you in a class afterward. So you are to meet the Principal in the Gym immediately." "Okay, thanks a lot". After an exchange of thanks, onwards to the Gym. [b][color=#ff0000]Yes, onwards to the journey of figuring out which tense to use. By the way, the older brother seems a bit bossy, doesn't he, pushing his little brother around like he owns him.[/color][/b] The gym was a giant room willed with many arenas, specialized for duel setups, and there were many machines where holograms of duel monsters were projected and made almost real effects. From the stands, were a few students, each waiting on other students to finish duels. One duel at a near corner, involved a frivolous looking student attacking directly with his Gearfried the Iron Knight. [b][color=#ff0000]Much description...for an unneeded setting. Most of us can probably visualize what an ordinary gym looks like. That is, a gym filled with Duel Terminals, Duel Disks, and holograms of monsters.[/color][/b] "That guy's got something to protect him I guess.", said Kiyoshi, who was watching. From that distance, it was shown the boy defended himself with Defense Draw. "Yeah, I knew something was up his sleeve". [b][color=#ff0000]They could already tell that within two seconds of watching the Duel? I smell a rotten Gary Sue coming up.[/color][/b] From the emergency exit at the other side of the Gym came a chubby looking man in a pinstripe suit, supposedly the Prinicpal. "Oh, if you two are the Misaki boys, then come here!", he shouted, causing a slight uproar in the Gym. [color=#ff0000][b]Because the noises and shouting of people dueling and causing THAT commotion isn't enough of an uproar already.[/b][/color] As they approached to him, the Principal gave gentle handshakes to each of the boys. [b][color=#ff0000]Does this man not know a proper handshake? A firm handshake is better than a sappy, wimpy one. And no grabbing of the fingers, either.[/color][/b] "Well it looks like you're back to enroll it seems", said the principal as took off his overcoat. "We've set up opponents for you to rival with. Weston! Ayden! Two students came out from a door, one was taller than the other; he had frizzy brown hair, worn dirty jeans and a cowboy hat. The other was shorter and younger; he had nicer light brown hair, and had some freckles. [b][color=#ff0000]Some...kind of...weird....spacing bug? I think that's what it is. Anyways, you killed the description. Not everything boils down to what hair color the boys had. Unless one had a Green Afro and the other had Purple Dreadlocks, hair styles and coloring is just going to be another unnecessary detail.[/color][/b] "These two gentlemen will be paired with each of you to duel." [b][color=#ff0000]We've already established that.[/color][/b] The bigger one came to Kiyoshi and offered a handshake. "My name is Weston Goldmann. What is yours?". He seemed to have an English accent. "Misaki, Kiyoshi, and its nice to meet you". Weston freezed for a moment, and stared into Kiyoshi. Weston suddenly took a step back and his calm face turned serious. [i]"Why did he suddenly step back like that? Was he scared? He looks a bit angry..."[/i] [b][color=#ff0000]Aha. The Exposition finally shows itself. And now we have, possibly, established a third-person omniscient narrator, who is able to know all, see all, and think all, for those of you out there that don't know. [/color][/b] "So it's Kiyoshi? Get to an arena so we can start pounding." Weston took his duel disk and deck and walked past Kiyoshi, slightly pushing him, and leaned on a wall. [i]"God...what is with this guy all of a sudden?"[/i] [b][color=#ff0000]It's called being an arrogant douche-bag, like 90% of all Yu-Gi-Oh antagonists (statistics involving percentages in this "Heartfelt" Review are entirely made-up and possibly exaggerated).[/color][/b] Kiyoshi and Weston were set up on both sides of the arena, with nothing on their backs but a duel disk and deck, and both had a serious look. "Kiyoshi, I will show you how it's really done here.", said Weston, who equipped his disk. "Whatever. Let's just have a clean match!", said Kiyoshi. [b][color=#ff0000]Aha. Now we have come down to the exciting, gritting part of the Duel. Of course it is not going to be a clean match because Weston has finally decided to show his true colors for the sake of plot device, so now it boils down to possibly stealing Kiyoshi's Deck or something like that.[/color][/b] As quickly as possible, the two drawn their first 5 cards and set up their battle stances. "I'll start off. It's my turn", said Weston. [b][color=#ff0000]Why is it that every Fan-Fic I read that the Antagonist HAS to go first? Isn't there a "selector" on your Duel Disk or something, or can't you just flip a coin like old time's sake?[/color][/b] "I activate Archeolum Peacemaker's effect in my hand. I send Archeolum Licerta from my deck to the Graveyard." [b][color=#ff0000]Ahh, so it appears that our writer of this piece of work has decided to use his own brand of Custom Cards, and has detailed us with a bunch of unnecessary information about his card below. If you wanted to piss someone off repeatedly with fabulous pictures of rocks, then you have just done that. Anyways, I'm sure that if you explain the details of its effect clearly enough without relying on the use of spoilers, then you MIGHT pass as a good Duel Writer. Otherwise, you fail. Horribly.[/color][/b] [i]"So this deck relies on a specific deck-milling strategy...gotta watch out.."[/i] "I set 2 cards face-down and end my turn." [b][color=#ff0000]So now finally, our Protagonist gets his turn and then-[/color][/b] *In Progress* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKss2uYpih8&feature=related [b][color=#ff0000]Ahh, well, guess I will just have to wait until the next installation of this Fan-Fic. However, it seems that will be a bit of a struggle for him considering that he is having "trouble with the plot". It's okay, I do too.[/color][/b] [b][color=#FF0000]Overall, the story was a bit bland, but then again, most first chapters really are. You really need to work on fixing your tenses, otherwise the story itself is going to be a hellhole to read. It really helps to copy and paste your work into a Word Processor or Mozilla Firefox and see what spelling and Grammar (although Firefox wouldn't do it) errors you have. I am a Grammar Star, as is my entire family, so if you have questions on that, don't be afraid to message me.[/color][/b] [b][color=#FF0000]If you also want your work to be Beta-Read before you post it, I am willing to do that as well.[/color][/b] [b][color=#FF0000]Well, that is all for now, and I am signing off. Hopefully there will be more demons out to kill tonight than most nights...[/color][/b] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted October 17, 2011 Report Share Posted October 17, 2011 Okay then, first fic review since getting back to full time membership here. Haven't seen this story before. Hopefully I've stumbled on something good. Well it's by a five star member, so they should have some experience in terms of playing the game and knowing what the manga/anime is about. Let's get into it... *reads prologue* Er... right. So baiscially its set in the GX era of Jaden and company? Guess that means there will be no Synchro summoning then... *reads Chapter 1* Right... I have multiple problems with this. One is that description is very selective. The two main characters are not described in any way (I disagree with Dante in that you do need to describe characters and locations in some detail) but the punk opponent is. The front of the Duel Academy and reception are also not described, but the gym is? The lack of description and indeed detail of events makes it move a little too quickly. How many times do I have to tell people on this site this? Start a new paragraph every time there is a change in person speaking. And I mean a proper space between paragraphs. Yes the format of this site has made it a pig to post, but it got very confusing to work out who was speaking in certain places like with the receptionist. There also some really silly problems in terms of logic. I mean the receptionist having to go through loads of files to find the boys apps? This is supposed to be a top class Duel Academy, yet they do not have computers and printers that can do the job in two seconds. As Dante pointed out, the crowd making a fruore over these two unknown boys walking in, but not much fuss over the duels going on? Take it they are pretty boring matches then. The principal is a 'big man with a deep voice', yet 'shakes their hand gently'. I also thought when I read it he was taking of an overcoat before having to backtrack and read the sentence again. Yeah okay gentle giants exist but still its just silly things like this that make it feel awkward. Plot: Two boys enrol at Duel Academy - Must have entrance exam duel. So original. From the fuss the prinicipal is making and the flip-out of that boy Weston, these two kids are supposed to be something special it seems. Hmm... okay, wouldn't be a story if they weren't I guess. So the duel starts, and we're using custom cards. Okay I'll go with that since its something I'm not really brave enough to try, and thats something I love about watching the anime when I see a card and think 'ooh what does that do'... wait a minute, he told us everything about the card straight away? So much for that buzz. Oh and its a tuner. In a fic set in GX era. TIME-WARP!!! Overall found this quite uninvolved and not very interesting. Sorry dude. Baiscially I only have one piece of general advice for people who want to attempt Duel Academy fics and that is... don't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Βyakuya Posted October 17, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 17, 2011 Thanks a lot. I'm not very good at these but I just do these for fun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not-so-Radiant Arin Posted October 17, 2011 Report Share Posted October 17, 2011 [quote]Oh and its a tuner. In a fic set in GX era. TIME-WARP!!![/quote] http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Duel_Academy_%28New_Domino%29 Not necessarily. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted October 18, 2011 Report Share Posted October 18, 2011 [quote name='Dante v. Nero' timestamp='1318882476' post='5584702'] [url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Duel_Academy_%28New_Domino%29"]http://yugioh.wikia....28New_Domino%29[/url] Not necessarily. [/quote] It was more the seven years after the events of Yugi Moto line that made me think that way. Since he pops up in GX from time to time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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