Yu-Gi-Oh! Protecting the pendants.

[gimmepie]

This is set between 5D's and Zexal and contains custom cards from this site.
Credit for the Elementals that will be depicted in this series goes to Raabr.
I realise it's kinda similar to 5D's but I'm going to change it up don't worry about that.
If you want your cards in this or have comment or PM me.
Can someone please explain spoilers I tried to put one in and it didn't work.


[color=#000000]Two people stood opposing each other in a dark alleyway with duel disks activated. In front of one hovered a white skinned, blue robed monster. All was quiet, neither of the men spoke, the hologram monster did not move. Further down the alley two rats had stopped, watching with apprehension and fear, prepared to run at a moment’s notice. The taller, younger of the men spoke in an eloquent, charismatic and yet evil sounding voice “It’s a bit late to change your mind about challenging me isn’t it?” the young man asked “after your boastful, arrogant challenge at my presence here, after all I couldn’t be looking for you, the person I’m looking for should be skilled”. The other man, and older man with a shaved head, who was much larger than the younger, stood petrified despite the obvious difference in physical strength. “W-Who? If you leave me alone I can find him for you” the older man stammered “I don’t know, I don’t even know if it is a man or a woman, just that they will be good and that they are obviously not you” the younger man snickered, looking at the other man with malice “your offer is as meaningless as your life, look at you, your pathetic”. The other man fell to his knees, fear taking over as his younger opponent commanded the holographic monster “Lightning Elemental Tempest, attack him directly!” The hologram might as well have been real, the older man’s eyes went blank and he collapsed on the ground as the lightning hit him, signalling his defeat his life point reading hit zero. The younger man walked up to his fallen foe and removed his deck from his duel disk, claiming it for his own, he then stepped over his fallen opponent and exited the alley.[/color]


[color=#000000]Red woke up with a stiff neck and intense pain on the right side of his head; he had fallen asleep at his desk where he had been putting the finishing touches on his deck for the upcoming duel tournament. Cards that had not made it into his masterpiece were strewn all over the desk and many had fallen onto the floor. Groaning at the stiffness of his neck Red reached down to the soft, cream coloured carpet floor and picked up the cards from the ground making a mental note to fall asleep on the floor next time. Deciding that he should probably prepare for the day ahead Red went to the small bathroom in his apartment, showered and dressed in his standard getup for the day, black pants, shirt of some description and black jacket. Red looked into the mirror to see a relatively tall, wiry young man with messy, russet hair staring back at him. Part of him still expected to see the dorky little kid he used to be looking back at him. Leaving the bathroom and walking down the hall Red could barely contain his excitement, the tournament was that day. Following his usual morning routine the duelist made breakfast and sat down on his couch to watch the morning news as he ate. For the most part it was the usual boring political stuff but one thing did grab his attention, not far from his apartment a 35 year old duelist was found in a coma in an alley with his duel disk activated and deck gone, Red didn’t know why but this sent a chill down his spine, he inwardly decided to avoid that area, a decision that surprised him, he wasn’t normally this careful. Red left his apartment, locking the door behind him and walking down the stairs to the path that lead past his parents, who were also his landlords, house. Ignoring the garage under his apartment he walked down the path to the street with his black and blue duel disk on his right arm, he couldn’t help but notice all the black, he had no idea why he liked it.[/color]



[color=#000000]After a fifteen minute walk Red arrived at a small park and headed towards the benches at the fountain. There was another young duelist sitting at the fountain facing away from him already. Red walked up behind the duelist “Hey Tobias” the other duelist jumped to his feat rounding on Red only to stop and sigh “You really need to stop doing that” Tobias groaned. Tobias was wearing jeans and a green button up T-shirt, he had a plain, standard issue duel disk on his right arm. Tobias and Red were for the most part very different people, where Red was tall, with russet hair Tobias was short and his hair was a grey colour. They differed personality wise as well for the most part, Red was more outspoken and emotional than nervous, soft spoken Tobias. Red couldn’t help but laugh at his friends reaction, it was always the same;
“you just need to stop being so jumpy” Red teased the shorter duelist “anyway, are you ready to go?”
“I guess” Tobias responded. The two duelists then made their way further into the heart of Neo Domino city, towards the stadium where the tournament was held.[/color]



[color=#000000]The two duelists arrived at the tournament just in time to register and get handed a pamphlet with the tournament format and rules. Tobias immediately began to scan through the pamphlet, “it says here the tournament progresses through in rounds” he explained to his companion “first you have to pass a preliminary match, the winners then get to go through to the next round where the duelists are divided into eight blocks, from there the winner from each block advances to the finals”. Red listened to his compatriot, as always surprised by the un-confident tone in his voice; he didn’t understand why someone so skilled was nervous competitor, at least before his duel begins. Red was shaken from his pondering by a familiar voice from behind him, another duelist dressed predominately in brown with styled brunette hair was walking towards them
“late as always, I couldn’t help but notice when you came sprinting through the door and nearly knocked over that pregnant woman”. Red couldn’t help but sigh, Marcus was, technically speaking, a friend of his despite his pompous manner, which unfortunately had only gotten worse with his acceptance to the pro-circuit, this tournament was his last as an “amateur”.
“Tactful as ever Marcus” said Red, dripping sarcasm “perhaps you could give us some lessons?”
“That would be a waste of my time” retorted Marcus, smirking at Red’s growing annoyance. Tobias who had just been standing there exasperated at the two duelist’s traditional form of greeting each other finally spoke to the two
“it’s nearly 9:30; we should go to the marshalling area so we can be told where in the stadium to go for our preliminary matches”. The three duelists headed towards the marshalling area oblivious to the young man watching them from the corner of the stadiums lobby, he knew that the person he was looking for was here, but he hadn’t realised that there actually five of them.[/color]



[color=#000000]“You will all be given a number” a tired looking tournament official shouted over the noise of excited competitors “you will then go to the main arena and stand by the sign with your number on it, the person with the same number as you will be your opponent, there will also be an official with your number at the sign to deal with rulings and disputes”. The man continued to go on about rules but Red wasn’t paying much attention he just wanted to get his number and get going[/color]
[color=#000000]“and furthermore” the weary official continued “like all tournaments we will now be allowing the use of xyz monsters as well as synchros and fusions, now if you’ll make your way to the lottery machine to receive your number and then make your way to the gates to await the announcement to enter the arena” the man finished. Duelists off all ages and races made it towards the machine to receive their number, Red’s excitement was mounting [/color]
[color=#000000]“Ready guys?” he asked his two friends, who were by now quite far from him, rushing back to them he asked again “come on, you guys ready?” [/color]
[color=#000000]“Of course” Marcus replied “I’m going pro after this remember, I have to be ready, you know, to accept the trophy” Marcus laughed at his own wit causing Tobias to role his eyes and Red to punch him in the arm. They were at the machine now, Red pushed in a button and a ball with the number one rolled out of the machine, taking it as a good sign he went to wait for his friends. Tobias and Marcus were not far behind him, each had also received one of the little, numbered balls. [/color]
[color=#000000]“We need to go wait by the gate for our group of numbers” said Tobias “so you need Gate 1 Red and Marcus needs Gate 2” Tobias groaned “I’m at Gate 4” he said. The companions split up and headed toward the groups in front of their gate. The wait seemed for ever to Red, he could hear the other 19 duelists around him discussing their decks or their favourite pro duelist, only he and a girl, who he placed at about eleven to thirteen years old, were not interacting chatting, Red was too excited to talk about anything. Finally he heard the announcement and the gates opened. Almost immediately Red was nearly deafened by the noise of the crowd, walking through the gates to the arena Red soaked in the environment, this was what he was waiting for. He walked to sign reading 1; there was another weary man in the grey uniform of a tournament official already there. Red could see Tobias walking towards his opponent on the far side of the arena and, closer to him; he saw Marcus walking towards his opponent. Red also noticed the quiet girl from earlier was standing opposite one of the older duelists at the closest sign to him. “You ready?” [/color]
[color=#000000]Red was shaken from his thoughts turning to see his opponent, a duelist about the same age as him with short spiky black hair and a standard duel disk on his right arm. [/color]
[color=#000000]“Yeah, it’s just hard not to be absorbed in this, you know” Red replied, he couldn’t help but notice he sounded like a noob. A loud announcement came over the speakers from the commentary box; [/color]
[color=#000000]“Once a coin has been flipped to determine the order of play you may begin, officials flip the coins now”. The official assigned to Red and his opponent turned to Red [/color]
[color=#000000]“You’re heads” he said before turning to his opponent “you’re tails” then the he flipped the coin allowing it to land on the ground between the two competitors, “It’s heads!” the official declared, picking up the coin and moving out of the way of the duelists. “What’s your name?” Red asked activating his duel disk “Mines Red” [/color]
[color=#000000]“I’m Bruno” Red’s opponent replied “nice to beat you”, Bruno also activated his duel disk. Red began his turn by drawing a card then; [/color]
[color=#000000]“I summon Gishki Chain” the 1800 attack monster hologram phased into being in front of Red “now I can show the top three cards of my deck and if there are any ritual spells or monsters among them I can add them to my hand” Red looked at the three cards adding two to his hand and placing the other on top of his deck.[/color]
[color=#000000]"Now I activate the ritual spell card Dragon Rising and tribute Gishki Chain as well as the Nemesis Dragon in my hand in order to summon Ritual Dragon Adalhard!" a bright orange light in the shape of a dragon burst forth from nothing flying around the heads of the two duelists before halting in front of Red. The draconian light materialised into a large black dragon with a tan underbelly. The dragon roared ferociously at Red's opponent the purple gem on it's chest gleaming.
"Since it's the first turn and I can't attack I'll end my turn with a face-down" a holographic image of the back of a card appeared behind the enormous dragon ending Red's turn.
"I summon a face-down monster and place two other cards face-down also" Bruno ended his turn.
Red couldn't help but feel confident of his win, Bruno had obviously made a stalling move.
"I attack your set monster with Adalhard, Draco Thunder!" The monstrous dragon roared loudly and a blue light erupted from it's mouth crashing into the face-down card. The face-down monster appeared, it was a brown insectoid being with a gaping, watering mouth. The man-eater bug, for that's what the card was, after being revealed. Red couldn't help but feel a sinking sensation he had overlooked an obvious trap in his overconfidence.
"I activate man-eater's effect you dragon is destroyed!" announced Bruno clearly happy at the destruction of such a powerful monster. Red did have one thing to smile about as his monster was also destroyed
"don't forget Adalhards effect, you now take damage equal to your monsters level times two-hundred since it was in defence mode" Bruno's life point meter dropped to three-thousand six hundred.
"I'll end my turn by summoning Ritual Dragon Aurora" a fourteen hundred attack monster appeared before Red, a shimmering blue, cloud-like dragon, it was easy to understand why it was called Aurora. It was Bruno's move again.
Bruno was grinning at the card he drew;
"your going to love this, I activate double summon and cost down" two holographic spell cards appeared on the field briefly before fading away, "now I summon two Swordstalkers" two fiendish, purple skinned swordsmen appeared on the field, snarling and bearing their weapons. Red was surprised at the cards he was using, although classic cards were becoming more widely used again he hadn't been expecting to encounter a person who relied on them.
"Attack his Aurora" commanded Bruno, the first of the two monsters ran at the shimmering dragon cleaving it with it's sword and destroying it. Red's life point meter fell by six hundred.
"Now Swordstalker attack him directly" the other of the warriors attacked Red himself lowering his life points to fourteen hundred.Red was worried now, he was down to less that half of life points and his opponent had most of his [b]and[/b] two two-thousand attack point warriors. His hand shook as he drew a card to begin his turn, he couldn't believe how overly confident he had been, he could get kicked out in the preliminary round. He looked over his hand, he only had one option and if his opponents face-down card negated his spell he'd lose.
"I activate dark hole!" Red practically shouted his move, his adrenalin bringing his blood to a boil. A black hole exploded in the centre of the field sucking the monsters in to it and then, as sudden as it appeared, it vanished. Still being carried on by the adrenalin and excitement of the duel he continued his move;
"Now I summon Mirage Dragon" a gold dragon seemingly made partly of an illusion appeared on the field. Red could feel it now this was it, he knew what to do,
"I activate Monster Reborn in order to revive your Swordstalker!" the monster that was destroyed earlier now appeared in front of the duelist who had destroyed it.
"Due to Mirage Dragon's effect no traps can be activated! This is it!" Red exclaimed "Now, Swordstalker and Mirage Dragon, attack!" Bruno's life points fell to zero, and the monsters faded from the field as the duelists de-activated their duel disks. Red sighed in relief, his adrenalin rush now over but he was still plenty excited, he had passed the preliminary round, now it was on to round two.[/color]



[b]Chapter 2[/b]
Red stood in the open arena watching his opponent walking away. He couldn’t help but feel elated over his victory. Losing his fixation on his opponent Red turned to look at other duels around him. Nearby he could see the quiet girl he’d noticed earlier with a red armoured swordsman in front of her. The monster attacked her opponent directly reducing his life points to zero and putting her into the next round also. Red continued to look around the field and was unable to locate Marcus, who appeared to have already left the arena. Tobias was still on the field though and Red found him with ease. Walking round the field to meet up with his friend Red again became engrossed in the atmosphere, nearly becoming overwhelmed by the shouts of duelists trying to be heard by their opponents.
“How did you go?” Red had reached Tobias, who was eager to find out how his friends duels had gone.
“I won but he cost me a few life points, I don’t believe I fell for a man-eater bug” Red said half disappointed. Tobias apparently could believe it and merely continued to ask questions. Once they got to the nearest gate Red’s companion had finally run out of queries,
“Are you going to tell me how you and Marcus went?” Red asked, though he clearly knew what the answer would be.
“Marcus was the first to finish... His match didn’t even last a full five minutes.” Red could hear the hesitation in Tobias’ voice and knew that he was not happy with his own results, especially compared to Marcus’.
“You did well?” Red pushed now bursting at the seams and desperate to know if his friend had passed
“I won... But it was really close, we were both down to 100 life points at the end and I got a lucky draw”
“That’s awesome!” exclaimed Red who, unlike Tobias had forgotten his own similar disappointment
“I love being in the heat of the moment like that”. Tobias didn’t bother arguing.

Continuing on through the competitor’s area in the arena the duo found Marcus sitting with a coffee at a small cafe area that had been set up. He was smirking at Red as they arrived,
“Really? A Man-Eater? You fell... for a Man Eater Bug?” The triumphant duelist started laughing loudly
“I still won didn’t I!” protested Red but to no avail. Sobering up Marcus’ demeanour became slightly more serious
“did you see that weird guy that’s been walking around... in the white Robe thing? What’s he hear for?” as usual when a question based on knowledge of a tournament was asked Tobias answered
“He’s a competitor. But nobody knows much about him, apparently his name is Thane and he uses cards nobody around here have seen before” Tobias’ know-it-all, confident voice faded again
“we’ll have to watch out for him, won’t we?”
“Don’t worry about, I doubt he’s any good” Marcus replied “he might even be as bad a Red”. Red groaned as the three got up and made their way to the area where a grey uniformed official had just put up the images for those competing in each “block” on eight separate screens. Again the three of them were in separate groups, although this time Tobias breathed a sigh of relief as it meant he wouldn’t have to compete against the others unless they all made the finals. Red was in block one with Marcus in block two and Tobias in block five. Red also noted that the young girl who kept turning up was in the third block and that the strange man, Thane, was in the seventh. The official from earlier, now slightly revitalised due to coffee, arrived at the screen to explain how things would progress.
“You won’t have to worry about collecting numbers anymore” explained the man
“there is now few of you enough for us to keep track of, each match will now be determined with a random generator. Blocks one and two compete tomorrow, three and four the day after and so forth with the finals being held on the fifth day. Thank you to all our staff and competitors we’ll see you in the morning” with that the man left and the duelist parted.

The next morning Red arrived at the tournament to find Marcus and Tobias already there talking to a female duelist with black hair with red streaks running through it wearing loose red/brown clothing. Red ran up to the group
“Hey guys...” Reds friends and the unknown duelist responded likewise.
“This is Karen, she’s in the fourth block but decided to come and watch blocks one and two”
The young woman, whom Red guessed was about the same age as himself, rolled her eyes and said in a surprisingly intense voice
“you know I’m capable of introducing myself right?” Tobias just shuffled in place under her fiery gaze.
“Are you sure?” taunted Marcus which, much to Red’s delight, earned him a rather strong kick in the shin from Karen. The four duelists entered the arena’s lobby area walking as far as the stairs which led up to the doors which opened onto spectator seating. Tobias, Marcus and their new found companion walked up the stairs and joined the cues of people that had now appeared whilst continued on through the lobby and through a door to the competitors marshalling area. A holographic image of the main arena was floating in the centre of the room over a large metal platform. The screen that had shown the people competing in block one now contained a tourney tree showing five question marks where images of competitors would be placed as the block one part of the competition progressed. Red couldn’t help but feel shaky with excitement, the prospect of possibly having to duel an extra time was almost enough to make him jump up and down. Right before Red’s eyes there was a sudden change in the image, now duellist’s faces replaced the question marks. Red continued to rev himself bolstered that he had not got the buy where most others would have wished for it, and to top it off, he was in the first duel. Red heard an announcement calling him and his opponent to their gates
“Duelists from block 1, Red and Andre report to the following gates, Red to gate one and Andre to gate four”
Red walked to the gate following the instructions given to him.

The gate opened and Red heard the arena announcer call through his microphone
“Now I introduce to you our resident dragon tamer and a young up-and-coming duelist, Red!” at his name Red stepped into the open roofed arena and walked to his side of the field at a steady pace, waving at the crowed as he went” the cheering of the crowed was almost intoxicating, Red longed to be accepted as a pro so he could compete all the time, not just at a few events. Once Red had made it to his allocated position the announcer continued;
“From the other side of the arena comes one of our professional competitors, a relentless duelist who lets nothing stand in his way, Andre!” from across the arena from Red came a tall powerfully built man in tan cargo’s and a black and gold singlet, he had a black buzz cut and a light gold coloured duel disk. A larger holographic image appeared in an orb above them to give the crowd a magnified view. The crowd roared as Andre made it to the centre, across from Red. It was clear to Red that he was not the favourite in this match. Red also didn’t have the advantage of knowing the pro’s deck as he would with most because he hadn’t seen many of Andres duels.
“The first move goes to Andre, begin the match when you are ready” both duelists activated their duel disks and drew their starting hand.
“I summon Phantom Beat Crosswing!” A golden avian like creature appeared in front of the larger man. It had three tails, one short and one two long, powerful wing and a tigerlike face with two crests on each side of its face. A small bubble appeared briefly to show that Crosswing had Thirteen hundred attack points before disappearing from the field; it remained in the image above the duelists though.
“I’ll end my turn with a face-down” declared the pro.
Red wasn’t overly worried about the monster as it had low attack points but thought he shouldn’t do anything too big on his first turn because of the face-down. Drawing one card to start his turn Red said
“I’ll kick things of by summoning Ritual Dragon Aurora!” The shimmering dragon appearing to only be made of blue light appeared before Red.
“Aurora, attack!” the dragon unleashed a brilliant, dazzling light from its maw annihilating the bird like creature.
“I’ll end my turn with a face-down like you” stated Red. Andre smiled at his opponent in a way that made Red worry
“Didn’t you stop to think that maybe I want Crosswing in the grave?” queried the duelist “I summon Gazelle the King of Mythical Beasts and due to Crosswing he gains three hundred attack points”. The shaggy, brown haired creature soaked up the extra power reaching one thousand eight hundred.
“Attack!” the horned, lion like creature ripped through the shining dragon with its claws.
“Your turn again” concluded Andre. Drawing another card Red looked at the monster in front of him, he knew it didn’t have an effect which made the face-down appear even more of a threat to him.
“I summon Nemesis Dragon in attack mode!” another dragon appeared before Red, this time a large, fiendish, purple dragon with an angular skull-like head. Red’s newer dragon had two thousand attack points, enough to destroy Gazelle.
“Nemesis Dragon! Attack with Rivalry Blaze” purple flames exploded from the amethyst coloured dragons mouth hitting his opponents monster
“I activate my trap” called Andre “A Hero Emerges, now you get to pick a card in my hand and if it’s a monster it is summoned to the field” Red grimaced he knew that Gazelle would still be destroyed and so wondered what his opponent was planning.
“I pick the one in the middle” a reptilian being with armoured, red and brown skin, four legs, two arms and a powerful tail appeared on the field
“You picked Phantom Beast Rock Lizard a monster with twenty-two original attack points, twenty-five hundred because of Crosswing” Red was starting to regret destroying the big bird. Gazelle shattered and Andres life points fell to three thousand eight hundred. Red ended his turn.
“I’ll keep the show on the road then” asserted Andre “I summon Gladiator Beast Andel!” a big, black bear in blue armour appeared on the field with nineteen hundred attack points. The bear roared.
“Now I’ll have Rock Lizard destroy your dragon” the reptilian beast smashed an armoured fist through the amethyst dragon destroying it. Red’s life points fell to three thousand five hundred then; the monster punched again and Reds life points fell by another five hundred points.
“What?” exclaimed Red
“When Lizard destroys a monster by battle you lose an extra five hundred life points” explained the bigger duelist “now Andel attack!” the bear ripped into Red reducing his life points to eleven hundred. Red was flustered now the crowd was favouring his opponent and with good reason, Andre had two monsters with high attack points on the field and most of his life points remained compared to Red who had no monsters and less than half of his life points. Red had to do something fast.
“I activate my Dragon Rising Ritual spell!” shouted Red “now by sending Ritual Dragon Seithr to the grave I can summon Ritual Dragon Adalhard!” the colossal black dragon appeared before Red in the familiar explosion of orange light. Red smiled
“not only do I now have a monster with the same attack as you Lizard but because of Seithr’s effect I also gain eight hundred life points!” exclaimed Red as his life points increased to one thousand nine hundred.
“Now Adalhard attack his Gladiator Beast” Red’s dragon shot flames from its cavernous mouth engulfing and destroying the bear “say good bye to six hundred life points” taunted Red as his opponents life points fell. Red ended his turn with a face-down card.
“All you have done is by yourself some time!” shouted Red’s opponent with a mean grin on his face. “I activate foolish burial” the professional duelist said “and I send another Crosswing to the grave raising my monsters attack to twenty-eight hundred! But wait there’s more” continued the duelist “I activate monster reincarnation to return Gazelle to my hand and play polymerization to fuse him with my Berfomet in order to summon Chimera the Flying mythical Beast!” a four-legged, winged monster with both the heads of Gazelle and Berfomet appeared its brown fur rustling and stretched its white, feathered wings. Now Andre had a monster with two thousand seven hundred attack as well as Lizard on the field. Red looked at the two Phantom Beasts in horror as Andre commanded them “Chimera, attack Adalhard” the two-headed monster flew at the dragon biting at it with the Berfomet head, Adalhard shattered and Red lost two hundred life points. Andre wasn’t done yet;
“Lizard attack him directly” he shouted. Rock Lizard lunged at Red punching at him. When the monster moved out the way Red was left with three hundred life points.
“How?” demanded his opponent
“I activated my trap card Damage Diet halving the damage I took from your monster to fourteen hundred which means I’m not finished yet”
“Any way you look at it your finished, you have no cards on the field and only three hundred life points left whilst I have two and three thousand two hundred life points” Andre retorted ending his turn.
Red drew a card to start his turn.
“I activate monster reborn to special summon Adalhard to the field in attack mode” The black dragon reappeared before its master “but, to quote you, wait there’s more” taunted Red “I activate Miracle Synchro so by banishing my Nemesis Dragon and Aurora from the graveyard I can Synchro summon my New World Dragon” there was a flash of white light and a new dragon appeared on the field. The new dragon was a light shade of purple and had flared semi-transparent, tan wings that shimmered with different colours. Its head was crested with branch like horns and it eyes were more piercing than anything previously seen by Andre, yet despite this ferociousness the dragon also appeared graceful and majestic. Red placed a spell card on his duel disk
“I activate Brave Attack and tribute Adalhard to increase New World Dragon’s attack to five thousand three hundred! Attack!” Reds dragon reared up and flew into the air where it roared unleashing an amethyst coloured light from itself opening a swirling warp and absorbing Andre’s Rock Lizard before closing. Reds dragon landed and shattered into nothingness as Andre’s life points fell to five hundred. Red ended his turn with a face-down card.
“Looks like I win then” said Andre “despite your move just then your field is open and I have life points left. Chimera attack!” the flying beast lunged at Red but was stopped by the reappearance of New World Dragon.
“Sorry I activated my Call of the Haunted bringing my Dragon back” Red said grinning at his opponent. Chimera, like Rock Lizard, was defeated by New World Dragon and sent to the graveyard. Andre’s life points fell to four hundred.
“I’ll bring Berfomet back in defence mode with Chimeras effect and end my turn by setting a face-down monster”.
“My move” said Red “I activate my pot of Greed to draw two cards and activate my spell card Spell Reincarnation. But before that achieves anything I’ll tribute my dragon to negate my own card and destroy it. Now I can add a new spell to my hand.” Red searched his deck for the card he wanted and added it to his hand.
“I activate my Dark Reborn spell card” said Red “I get to special summon one monster from the grave and banish one of yours by halving my life points”. New World Dragon reappeared before Red again one of Andres Crosswings was removed from the game.
“Now I get to end this!” exclaimed Red “I activate the last card in my hand Fairy Meteor Crush and equip it to my dragon! Now when he attacks your monster in defence mode you still take damage! New World Dragon, attack with your Dimensional Rip!” The dragon unleashed the swirling purple abyss again, and Berfomet was absorbed into it, before blasting Andre himself with a brilliant burst of energy the same colour as the Dimensional Rip and reducing his life points to zero. The announcer’s voice rang throughout the arena and the crowd fell silent
“after an incredible first duel in the second round of the competition Red has emerged victorious over his professional opponent. We can only hope the rest of the match-ups are incredible as that! Congratulations to Red on his win” the crowd erupted into cheers and applause again as Red and Andre left the arena.
In the stands a man in a strange white robe was watching the duel. After seeing that performance he knew he had located who he was looking for, but for some reason the beings had not spoken...
“There must be more” he realised.

[Nes!o]

First off: P1: "This is how you do dialogue."
P2: "What did you say?"
P1: "That he was writing his dialogue wrong."
P2"Oh ya! Every new idea needs to be in a separate paragraph." P1: "Ya. Not like this."

Second: Lots of grammatical errors but this is not a foefiction so i won't elaborate.

Third: Not the most original idea but its meh. You could focus on the attacks on the duelists more and less on the Tournament, and please for Gods sake make the duels even a little bit more...more... better.

Finally: I give you a 3/10. Good day.

[gimmepie]

I plan on making it better, this is just an intro. It will become more original as it progresses.

Definitely will do more work on duels in the future this was more of an intro to characters than to the plot.

As for dialogue it all got compressed when I copied it over >.>

[Not-so-Radiant Arin]

[size=7][font=georgia,serif][font=lucida sans unicode,lucida grande,sans-serif]Going with Something Different: [color=#ff0000]Devil's Advocate's "Heartfelt" Review:[/color][/font][/font][/size]

[size=7][font=georgia,serif][font=lucida sans unicode,lucida grande,sans-serif][color=#FF0000][size=4][font=tahoma,geneva,sans-serif][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Ahh, the wonders of the Fan-Fiction forum. It's like my daily dose of awesomeness, my Shirley to my Temple, my milk to my Kahlua. It's like my daily high, and every time I get on, I expect a marvelous piece of work to come screaming at my face, begging for me to be reviewed. Well, I have found such a piece today, and it is "gimmiepie's "Yu-Gi-Oh! Protecting the Pendants". Let's dive in, shall we?[/font][/font][/size][/color][/font][/font][/size]

[b]Chapter 1[/b]

[i][color=#000000]Two people stood opposing each other in a dark alleyway with duel disks activated.[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Cue crappy cowboy music. [/color]

[i][color=#000000]In front of one hovered a white skinned, blue robed monster. All was quiet, neither of the men spoke, the hologram monster did not move.[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]The punctuation throughout this sentence is just....bad. I'm concerned about what teachers are teaching kids these days in their English Class. [/color]

[i][color=#000000]Further down the alley two rats had stopped, watching with apprehension and fear, prepared to run at a moment’s notice.[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Why do we care about what some rats think? That part is completely unnecessary and unneeded. Unless Ratatouille is making an appearance in the near future.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]The taller, younger of the men spoke in an eloquent, [/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Good word choice...[/color].

[i][color=#000000]charismatic[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]And yet with another word, you have completely sullied your intelligence. What do eloquence and charisma have in common?[/color]

[i][color=#000000]and yet evil sounding voice[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]So, we have an idea to what our protagonist acts like. Actually, I don't, because how can an evil character be charismatic?[/color]

[i][color=#000000]“It’s a bit late to change your mind about challenging me isn’t it?” the young man asked “after your boastful, arrogant challenge at my presence here, after all I couldn’t be looking for you, the person I’m looking for should be skilled”.[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]What? This is just....horrible. Do you honestly not know that when you are interrupting a part of dialogue that you do not need a question mark? And then the three sentences afterwards are just a complete run-on. So far I am finding this particular piece to be a complete joke.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]The other man, and older man with a shaved head, who was much larger than the younger, stood petrified despite the obvious difference in physical strength. “W-Who? If you leave me alone I can find him for you” the older man stammered[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Okay, so it is clear you meant to put a break in here. If not, then I will start finding someone else who would be willing to put up with this kind of idiocy.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]“I don’t know, I don’t even know if it is a man or a woman, just that they will be good and that they are obviously not you” the younger man snickered,[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]So we have another speaker here? Have you ever heard of the "Enter" key?[/color]

[i][color=#000000]looking at the other man with malice “your offer is as meaningless as your life, look at you, your pathetic”.[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Oops. Since I'm foe-ing this, I'm not even going to bother posting fixes, because posting on here means that you are at least half-way intelligent and can spot errors in your work.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]The other man fell to his knees, fear taking over as his younger opponent commanded the holographic monster “Lightning Elemental Tempest, attack him directly!”[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Might I suggest some punctuation?[/color]

[i][color=#000000]The hologram might as well have been real, the older man’s eyes went blank and he collapsed on the ground as the lightning hit him, signalling his defeat his life point reading hit zero.[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Might I suggest some actual good grammar?[/color]

[i][color=#000000]The younger man walked up to his fallen foe and removed his deck from his duel disk, claiming it for his own, he then stepped over his fallen opponent and exited the alley.[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]So we have a parallelism of Aster Phoenix here? Way to make the second most decent character in the Yu-Gi-Oh Universe comparable to a man in absolutely the worst piece of writing I have ever laid eyes on. I don't even want to continue reading this because it is just bad, but I figured I might as well suck it up and enjoy it, if I can at all.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]Red woke up with a stiff neck and intense pain on the right side of his head;[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Wait, what? Is that the guy's name? Excellent, another weak and bland name that is probably overused in every way ever created.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]he had fallen asleep at his desk where he had been putting the finishing touches on his deck for the upcoming duel tournament. Cards that had not made it into his masterpiece[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]And this masterpiece is what? Surely not his pathetic Deck?[/color]

[i][color=#000000]were strewn all over the desk and many had fallen onto the floor. Groaning at the stiffness of his neck Red reached down to the soft, cream coloured carpet floor and picked up the cards from the ground making a mental note to fall asleep on the floor next time.[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]This guy really is lazy. I like the alliteration pattern that you made for a little bit, though. That earns you a tad bit of respect. However, everything else is just sad and miserable.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]Deciding that he should probably prepare for the day ahead[/color][color=#000000] Red went to the small bathroom in his apartment, showered and dressed in his standard getup for the day, black pants, shirt of some description and black jacket.[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]What description? You didn't even bother telling us what the description on the shirt said. Congratulations, you have failed as a writer.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]Red looked into the mirror to see a relatively tall, wiry young man with messy, russet hair staring back at him. Part of him still expected to see the dorky little kid he used to be looking back at him.[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]This is getting worse by the minute. Is this a character with multiple personalities, or is there some plot device here that you have never bothered to tell us?[/color]

[i][color=#000000]Leaving the bathroom and walking down the hall Red could barely contain his excitement, the tournament was that day. Following his usual morning routine the duelist made breakfast and sat down on his couch to watch the morning news as he ate. For the most part it was the usual boring political stuff but one thing did grab his attention,[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]That wasn't about political satire and scandal?[/color]

[i][color=#000000]not far from his apartment a 35 year old duelist was found in a coma in an alley with his duel disk activated and deck gone, Red didn’t know why but this sent a chill down his spine, he inwardly decided to avoid that area, a decision that surprised him, he wasn’t normally this careful.[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]So we have two, three things going on in this sentence. Besides, I thought the Duel Disk shut off when you lost.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]Red left his apartment, locking the door behind him and walking down the stairs to the path that lead past his parents, who were also his landlords, house. Ignoring the garage under his apartment he walked down the path to the street with his black and blue duel disk on his right arm, he couldn’t help but notice all the black, he had no idea why he liked it.[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]I honestly have no idea why I am still reading this story. Oh, right, because it's a "Heartfelt Review".[/color]

[i][color=#000000]After a fifteen minute walk Red arrived at a small park and headed towards the benches at the fountain. There was another young duelist sitting at the fountain facing away from him already. Red walked up behind the duelist “Hey Tobias” the other duelist jumped to his feat rounding on Red only to stop and sigh “You really need to stop doing that” Tobias groaned.[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]I'm utterly disappointed. I thought writers on here were actually intelligent and smart and could easily run circles around the writers of the Yu-Gi-Oh Anime, like Roxas or Bahamut. Apparently, I was wrong.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]Tobias was wearing jeans and a green button up T-shirt, he had a plain, standard issue duel disk on his right arm. Tobias and Red were for the most part very different people, where Red was tall, with russet hair Tobias was short and his hair was a grey colour. They differed personality wise as well for the most part, Red was more outspoken and emotional than nervous, soft spoken Tobias.[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]A hidden symbolism, perhaps? Maybe they're different personalities will one day turn into a rivalry. I have no idea, honestly, because I don't even know what the plot is so far.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]Red couldn’t help but laugh at his friends reaction, it was always the same; “you just need to stop being so jumpy” Red teased the shorter duelist “anyway, are you ready to go?” “I guess” Tobias responded. The two duelists then made their way further into the heart of Neo Domino city, towards the stadium where the tournament was held.[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]And we have another break here.....of three. Just be lucky I've broken this up into segments.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]The two duelists arrived at the tournament just in time to register and get handed a pamphlet with the tournament format and rules. Tobias immediately began to scan through the pamphlet, “it says here the tournament progresses through in rounds”[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]As opposed to what? Round-Robin is a weird format to have in a match.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]he explained to his companion “first you have to pass a preliminary match, the winners then get to go through to the next round where the duelists are divided into eight blocks, from there the winner from each block advances to the finals”.[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]You don't have to explain that to us. We all know how a tournament in the Yu-Gi-Oh Universe works[/color].

[i][color=#000000]Red listened to his compatriot, as always surprised by the un-confident[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]So I hear Firefox has a spell-checker. And it's free, too.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]tone in his voice; he didn’t understand why someone so skilled was nervous competitor, at least before his duel begins. Red was shaken from his pondering by a familiar voice from behind him, another duelist dressed predominately in brown with styled brunette hair was walking towards them “late as always, I couldn’t help but notice when you came sprinting through the door and nearly knocked over that pregnant woman”[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Is that supposed to be a joke? The only thing I am laughing at is your pathetic writing style.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]Red couldn’t help but sigh, Marcus was, technically speaking, a friend of his despite his pompous manner, which unfortunately had only gotten worse with his acceptance to the pro-circuit, the tournament was his last as an “amateur”.[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]So, finally, the jerk of the peanut gallery arrives. Yea, this is totally a rip off from GX. You have the shy guy, the apathetic Duelist, and the jerk. Fail Count +1.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]“Tactful as ever Marcus” said Red, dripping sarcasm[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]What a weird way to relate sarcasm. Don't attempt to be stylistic, it's just a waste of everyone's time trying to figure out what you mean.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]“perhaps you could give us some lessons?”[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Lessons on how to write better. Number 1: SPACE YOUR PARAGRAPHS OF DIALOGUE![/color]

[i][color=#000000]“That would be a waste of my time” retorted Marcus, smirking at Red’s growing annoyance. Tobias who had just been standing there exasperated at the two duelist’s traditional form of greeting each other finally spoke to the two “it’s nearly 9:30; we should go to the marshalling area so we can be told where in the stadium to go for our preliminary matches”. The three duelists headed towards the marshalling area oblivious to the young man watching them from the corner of the stadiums lobby, he knew that the person he was looking for was here, but he hadn’t realised that there actually five of them.[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]What? Is this our bad guy? Seriously, this is the worst antagonist I have ever seen, besides Gabranth from Final Fantasy XII.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]"You will all be given a number”[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]So, it's Dueling Prison? Fail Count +1.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]a tired looking tournament official shouted over the noise of excited competitors[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]If he was tired, he probably should've taken the day off. Something I should have done with this piece of writing.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]“you will then go to the main arena and stand by the sign with your number on it, the person with the same number as you will be your opponent, there will also be an official with your number at the sign to deal with rulings and disputes”. The man continued to go on about rules but Red wasn’t paying much attention he just wanted to get his number and get going[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Because rules aren't important when it comes to a Dueling Tournament? Much like the rules aren't important when it comes to posting a halfway decent piece of work on this site, in this case.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]“and furthermore” the weary official continued “like all tournaments we will now be allowing the use of xyz monsters as well as synchros and fusions, now if you’ll make your way to the lottery machine to receive your number and then make your way to the gates to await the announcement to enter the arena” the man finished.[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Ahh, finally, the plot has been found. Now we are starting our local tournament and hopefully getting some Dueling Action in.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]Duelists off all ages and races[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Waiting for stereotypical statement....just say "Every kind of duelist" to prevent yourself from being cliche.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]made it towards the machine to receive their number, Red’s excitement was mounting “Ready guys?” he asked his two friends, who were by now quite far from him, rushing back to them he asked again “come on, you guys ready?” “Of course” [/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]My goodness.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]Marcus replied “I’m going pro after this remember, I have to be ready, you know, to accept the trophy” Marcus laughed at his own wit causing Tobias to role[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]You must be joking, right?[/color]

[i][color=#000000]his eyes and Red to punch him in the arm. They were at the machine now, Red pushed in a button and a ball with the number one rolled out of the machine, taking it as a good sign he went to wait for his friends.[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Seriously, I see what's coming. I've run into every kind of story like this and it gets bland.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]Tobias and Marcus were not far behind him, each had also received one of the little, numbered balls. “We need to go wait by the gate for our group of numbers” said Tobias “so you need Gate 1 Red and Marcus needs Gate 2” Tobias groaned “I’m at Gate 4” he said. The companions split up and headed toward the groups in front of their gate.[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Ahh, the splitting of the peanut gallery. How ever shall we survive without the massive ego jerkwad, the modern day Syrus Truesdale, and of course the always wonderful Yusei Fudo?[/color]

[i][color=#000000]The wait seemed for ever to Red, he could hear the other 19 duelist around him discussing their decks or their favourite pro duelist, only he and a girl, who he placed at about 11-13 years old,[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Did it ever cross your mind to spell out numbers?[/color]

[i][color=#000000]were not interacting chatting,[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]What is this? I don't get it. Possibly because of the bad punctuation.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]Red was too excited to talk about anything. Finally he heard the announcement and the gates opened. Almost immediately Red was nearly deafened by the noise of the crowd, walking through the gates to the arena Red soaked in the environment, this was what he was waiting for.[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]He was deafened and soaked at the same time? You wouldn't say soaked in, lest we refer him to Spongebob. Say that he "assimilated" into his environment.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]He walked to sign reading 1; there was another weary man in the grey uniform of a tournament official already there.[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Great. As if one wasn't bad enough already.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]Red could see Tobias walking towards his opponent on the far side of the arena and, closer to him; he saw Marcus walking towards his opponent. Red also noticed the quiet girl from earlier was standing opposite one of the older duelists at the closest sign to him. “You ready?” Red was shaken turning to see his opponent, a duelist about the same age as him with short spiky black hair and a standard duel disk on his right arm. “Yeah, it’s just hard not to be absorbed in this, you know” Red replied, he couldn’t help but notice he sounded like a noob.[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Are you kidding right now? You have GOT to be kidding. This redefines the definition of stupid jargon.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]A loud announcement came over the speakers from the commentary box; “Once a coin has been flipped to determine the order of play you may begin, officials flip the coins now”. The official assigned to Red and his opponent turned to Red “You’re heads” he said before turning to his opponent “you’re tails” then the he flipped the coin allowing it to land on the ground between the two competitors, “It’s heads!” the official declared, picking up the coin and moving out of the way of the duelists.[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Well, this is all kinds of fustercluck. [/color]

[i][color=#000000]“What’s your name?” Red asked activating his duel disk “Mines Red” “I’m Bruno” Red’s opponent replied “nice to beat you”,[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Because we obviously know that the main character is going to defeat this new adversary.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]Bruno also activated his duel disk. Red began his turn by drawing a card then; “I summon Gishki Chain” the 1800 attack monster hologram phased into being in front of Red “now I can show the top three cards of my deck and if there are any ritual spells or monsters among them I can add them to my hand”[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Ahh, now we get into the exciting Duel part. If this is as much of an eyesore as everything else was up to this point, then perhaps I will hire another person who would be willing to put up with this kind of bullshit.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]unfortunately for Red there were no ritual cards in the top three at all “now I can put them back in any order I choose” doing so Red concluded his turn by placing a trap face down.[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]You, sir, have sullied one of the best Duel Terminal Archetypes in the game by combining it with this crap-load of a fan-fiction.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]Bruno drew a card to start his turn grinning at what he drew “I activate double summon and cost down” Red groaned at the combination knowing something bad was going to happen “now I summon two Swordstalkers in attack mode” two evil looking, purple skinned swordsmen appeared on the field, each with 2000 attack points.[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Did it never occur that you could use spoilers, or hyperlinks, or acronyms? Another reason why I question the intelligence of Fan-Fiction writers lately.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]“I attack you Chain”[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Who's Chain? Is this a new character that simply appeared out of thin air?[/color]

[i][color=#000000]the holographic Gishki shattered and Red’s LP meter lowered to 3800. “Now I attack you directly” the other Swordstalker ran directly at Red, but Red had a plan in place, “I activate Magic Cylinder” the holographic card flipped up and a large cylinder appeared. The purple monster ran into the cylinder which flipped around, the monster then ran out the opposite end towards its master and inflicting 2000 LP damage to him.[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]One of the most lulzy cards in history...in one of the worst fan-fics in history.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]The cylinder disappeared and Bruno ended his turn. It was now Red’s turn again and he knew it would be his last. Red drew his card and Red immediately summoned it “I summon Manju of the Ten Thousand Hands” a metallic, yet liquidy looking, being appeared,[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Because this description is so vague and so dull, I've decided on giving up on Duel Monsters altogether. If you can't convey what the monster looks like without resorting to a Hyperlink, then you have failed. Horribly. Fail Count +1.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]“I activate his effect” Red searched his deck for the card he was looking for, added it to his hand and shuffled his deck. “Now I activate the ritual spell End of the World and tribute Manju as well as well as Gishki Emilia from my hand in order to summon Demise, King of Armageddon from my hand”[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]You do realize that Gishkis are completely fine on their own and don't need support from pathetic old Demise? Why did you not have Manju grab "Gishki Ceremonial Mirror" and use it to Ritual Summon "Mind Augus"? Fail Count +1.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]a demonic being appeared on the field, standing rigid before Bruno “I activate demises effect” declared Red. Red’s life points dropped to 1800 and the two swordstalkers were destroyed[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]I must commend you on making your monster's effects so well thought-out. Now try actually going back and fixing all of your punctuation mistakes, not to mention the cliched characters, poor grammar, and predictable Gary Sues that follow up with it, and you might actually be redeemed as a writer. Oh, by the way, the first part was sarcastic.[/color]

[i][color=#000000]“Demise attack him directly!” commanded Red, the holographic being hurled what appeared to be pure darkness at Bruno, hitting him and sending his LP reading to zero. The official declared Red the winner, he had passed the preliminary round.[/color][/i]

[color=#ff0000]And that's it? *breathes sigh of relief* Amen to that.[/color]

[color=#ff0000][b]Wow...that was....not even remotely close to being good on ANYONE'S scale. Might I suggest paying attention in your English class before making a story so filled with p(l)ot holes, bad grammar, bad punctuation, and unnecessary jokes? Maybe then, you might be redeemed as a "sub-decent" writer, but I wouldn't count on that any time soon. [/b][/color]

[color=#ff0000][b]And also to the OP, I didn't think it possible that there were uncivilized, uneducated morons on the splendid Fan-Fiction forum. By posting this story, you have clouded my belief that there will be another good story out there that I would be willing to read, and thus, have crushed my hopes of being able to teach writers about good writing strategies and good writing habits. I don't know what else to say, other than "wow, you made yourself look like a petulant moronic writer, both to other writers and readers alike". [/b][/color]

[color=#ff0000][b]I wouldn't even say good day to you. I would say get off and leave the Fan-Fiction forum for other people to post on.[/b][/color]

EDIT: This is going in my favorites...just because.

PS: The story is a lot longer when you split it up. Phew.

[gimmepie]

Okay let me put this plain and simple.

A. Obviously I need to go through and edit grammar etc... I won't deny this I have always been bad at grammar.
B. The guy found in a coma links the antagonist and protagonist because of the location.
C. I chose names you dislike because I genuinely like them.
D. Of course its similar to all the series in numerous ways, that adds realism.
E. You find my characters boring, that's what [b]development[/b] is for, you get to see these relatively lame people become something awesome.
F. Don't [b]ever[/b] question my intelligence. You don't have a clue I am.
G. The pregnant lady wasn't a joke, it was more of a point towards the characters personality flaws, all good characters have them.
H. Please give a better description of Manju, I honestly don't see many ways to describe it.
I. I get the impression you have assumed the main character plays a Gishki deck... Easy to understand due to the monsters used but he plays a general ritual deck, containing plenty of custom cards. This point was just to clarify so you don't assume I'm only going to use boring archtypes.
J. On a similar note I don't see how I did anything wrong with his use of Chain.
K. Speaking of Chain there was a typo about him... get over it some of the best literary works contain errors like this.
L. What the hell is wrong with cylinder? It's one me plenty of duels.
M. Obviously the main will beat this adversary, [b]every[/b] first duel ends like that.
N. What kind of writer uses acronyms?
O. Use of the term noob also helps define this character and his outlook.
P. Back on characters again, interesting, as I am yet to do any real development you can hardly call them cliche as their personalities are yet to be fully created.
Q. The duel went quickly... it's a preliminary... of course it was quick.
R. The officials are tired... funny that as anybody could guess they have been working their fingers to the bone... tournaments generally take organising.
S. Duel prison? That is actually a good idea, I might use that later, but no. It's a similar format for deciding who plays against who as in the Battle City finals... oh look another link to the actual anime/manga w/e.
T. Have I mentioned typos happen?
U. The numbers issue... Where living in a society where this kind of thing is becoming more acceptable, like it or lump it, although I do admit I should probably fix that.
V. What's wrong with a character going pro? Your yet to see his skill level at all, though at this you should assume that it's high (or he's hugely lucky).
W. "So, we have an idea to what our protagonist acts like." Someone who thinks they know a lot about writing should be able to tell the difference between a protagonist and an antagonist.
X. I have to explain how the tournament works because a good writer doesn't assume people know everything.
Y. Did you seriously ask how someone can be both evil and charismatic. Study up on Hitler.
Z. I'm out of letters so one last point, the antagonist is nothing like Aster at all... he takes decks because he's a bad person, he wants everything. Aster takes them because he is looking for Plasma, due to the loss of his farther it's kind of a hunt for his father legacy.

Wow, a whole alphabet of points to explain my reasons for things I did, acceptance of things that need to be changed [b]and[/b] pointing out the floors in your "heartfelt review"... Pretty impressive for an idiot like me.

For anybody else who want to bash my writing let me make something clear, I'm looking for civilised, constructive criticism... not the useless babbling of people with a superiority complex.

[bury the year]

Seeing as this has devolved into a contest of insults, I will provide my own feedback. Dante, for you, I will say that I read through your "review" and saw absolutely nothing helpful in it. You devolved into silly and pointless insults that are blatantly breaking section rules. Fic reviews are to help a person improve first and foremost, not to yell at what might be wrong. It's shameful.

As for you, gimmiepie, in response to your alphabet
A, K, T: You have no excuse to not correct errors. Five minutes with a spellchecker would fix nearly everything. Stop whining.
C, F: Childish. Stop it.
H, Y: If a person doesn't know what an item is, you should take the effort to describe it instead of brushing them off, no matter what.
M: Or, you could subvert the standard and go an original route. Would actually help.
Q, R, W: Smartass. Stop it.

I expect you two to shape up or ship out: otherwise, there will be locks and bans involved. Kyubey, out.

[gimmepie]

@ Kyubey: I fully intend to correct errors as I'm sure I have said. I will definitely fix issues with H and Y. With M yeah that could help but it's not the route I want to take him down, trust me he'll have losses I'm not going write something in which the main wins every duel, that leaves no room for development. I'll apologize for smartass comments but I feel that it was necessary to communicate how much I dislike people blatantly insulting my work.

Thank you for the constructive comments, I'm going to go through and edit any grammatical or spelling errors tonight if I get time.

Edit: I have fixed the spacing and have gone through to fix grammatical and spelling errors. I have also added a more interesting, longer duel rather than the short one from previously.

[raaabr]

Hmm... Your definantly doing well with the Fanfic, in my humble and unqualified opinion. You've definently made plenty of places where you can expand the plot further. Still, you should be more tolerant of flames. [s]It's not like their personally dissing you. [/s] hmm. I think the Jack Witt clause should come into effect here.

[quote][/quote][b]I didn't think it possible that there were uncivilized, uneducated morons on the splendid Fan-Fiction forum. [/b]

[gimmepie]

Epic quote.

Thanks for the good review, it's a much needed boost. I suppose I do need to be more tolerant but I don't think people should just pick without telling someone what they can do to fix things.

[Umbra]

First off, what king of pain was saying is entirely wrong. Not only is script format not allowed on the site, it's also highly unprofessional if you're not writing a script - which very, very few people on YCM do in the first place. However, I would suggest you put each line of dialog on a separate line, to make the story easier to read. I use a similar format in my fanfic: feel free to check that out for examples.

Now, on to the main topic. The tournament setup in itself is far too generic for me to enjoy: if we're supposed to follow that storyline, then at least one of our three main characters will have to win every duel they participate in. There is, however, the second storyline to consider: the young duelist sending people into a coma. While that isn't too original either - Yami Bakura did the same in the original manga, only with tabletop RPGs instead of card games - it's certainly one of the story's more interesting elements. There's definitely room for growth and improvement, but you have an acceptable start.

Speaking of acceptable, let's move on to the character gallery. So far we have the typical three: the hero, the sidekick, and the rival. The Jaden, Syrus and Chazz of Protecting the Pendants, so to say. The girl will obviously become plot-relevant later on in the story, but as we don't know much about her yet, she's hard to put a label on. On the other end of the spectrum, we have our villain, where we only know his goal: to find the person he's looking for. We know that there's supposedly five people, (My Signer-sense went off, by the way) which would mean one additional character past the three boys and the girl, one yet to be revealed.

It sets up a conflict as well as a future plot... if only the villain had known what was going on. He only seems to have the distinction that his opponent must be "good", which would probably mean that they're on his level of power. Once he finds someone on that level... what's going to stop him from, well, stopping right there? He thinks he has found the one he's been looking for, why keep going? The Signer theory might hold some credit; if not, I have no idea where we'd be going after this.

That said, let's move on to the boring part: syntax, sentence structure and everything that makes it look nice. Your greatest weakness seems to be punctuation; namely, comma usage. You put commas where there shouldn't be any, you omit commas where there should be, and sometimes you use commas where there should be different punctuation, such as semicolons or periods. It's the kind of thing you learn from experience rather than just studying it or taking notes: it takes time.

You could also put some more effort into providing description in the duel. They are, after all, one of the more visual experiences in your standard YGO fic, and not giving them the description they deserve can lead to a loss of flavor in the story itself. If we'd replaced Stardust Dragon with a big, gray box with the text "White dragon" in it, 5D's would've been far less intriguing than with the proper appearance.

Overall, Protecting the Pendants would qualify as acceptable. It's a bit bland at the moment, but I hope it builds up as we go along. I wonder where the story will be going from here, and how exactly the villain will find out that he'll have to start looking for more than one person - and how our heroes will react to that.

[gimmepie]

@Umbra: That is definitely the sort of things I have been looking to hear and I will most likely look at your fan-fic. I was originally planning to kill the guy in the coma off to add a darker element to the story but I honestly don't want to stray too far to that side of the spectrum... doesn't seem like a good idea to me, not yet anyway since I can use him to further the plot later. In regards to the plot I'm glad your not entirely sure where its going that means I'm doing my job right as the writer of the fic, I don't want to reveal too much but I'm planning on making these pendants pieces of something greater (I don't even know what yet). When ever I write punctuation becomes the bane of my existence but I definitely plan on bettering myself in that area in order to be a more productive writer. I appreciate the fact that my characters may appear cliche but with a series that has gone on as long as Yugioh it is impossible not to have at least a slight mirroring of existing characters but I will definitely be developing these guys further.

Note: Sorry about the tournament structure but I have already worked out the outcome for it and this seems to be the best format to achieve said outcome.

[gimmepie]

Chapter two is up. As always looking for tips to improve my writing and constructive criticism.
Can someone explain spoilers to me or this will be to long.

[bury the year]

[code][spoiler="Spoiler Name"]Spoiler content here.[/spoiler][/code]

equals

[spoiler="Spoiler Name"]Spoiler content here.[/spoiler]

[gimmepie]

Thank you.

Any more replies in regards to FF people?

Edit: I still couldn't get them to work.


[color=#666600][[/color][color=#000000]spoiler[/color][color=#666600]=[/color][color=#008800]"Spoiler Name"[/color][color=#666600]][/color][color=#660066]Spoiler[/color][color=#000000] content here[/color][color=#666600].[/[/color][color=#000000]spoiler[/color][color=#666600]][/color]

[Alice Moonflowyr]

doy......For a spoiler. Minus the quotations, and mebbe make it all one color.

For the fic: I only read chap. 1 for now but......hmmm.....Its alright. I cant exactly complain about plot, I had the same problems. But I see nothing to make this horrible, or amazing. Its average.

[gimmepie]

Hence, I intend to improve it continuously. Chapter 2 is a big step up IMO

[raaabr]

I like to see that you've finally updated this. I was kinda getting worried that you had forgotten about it.


Good plot, by the way.

[gimmepie]

Thanks. I'm going to start a pole to find out about possible decks people would like to see I think.

[Alice Moonflowyr]

For "Other" I vote for Machina Gadjets.

[gimmepie]

Not a bad idea, I'll add it to the poll.

From now on people can comment other types they want added and I'll put them on the poll.

[Alice Moonflowyr]

Is it possible to vote twice?

On other, i mean.

[gimmepie]

I'd rather people didn't. Let's hear your suggestion anyway.

[Alice Moonflowyr]

ICE BARRIER!!!!!!!!!

[gimmepie]

hmmm maybe, I will admit I already have a character planned that is likely to include some though.

[gimmepie]

Next part should be up soon