Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted February 16, 2008 Report Share Posted February 16, 2008 So, yeah, this is a neat story. I plan on sending it to a publisher eventually, after it's done and has been butchered mercilessly by an editor. Tell me what you think, s'il vous plaît, and don't ignore this post just because I made it. You will be rewarded... [spoiler=Back-of-the-book Summary]Two Lithali siblings, Kotaia and Znurai, are trapped on a damaged colony ship in deep space. They’re lucky enough to find a habitable planet and steer the derelict towards it. Little do they know that Exovarcéôs holds a terrible secret... one that generation after generation has been trying to find, one coveted by the good scientist Wence Manipher and by the evil Devesis Vide. But on Exovarcéôs, so close to the final truth, the worst is brought out of everyone. How will Kontaia and Znurai know who to trust? A whole civilization also wants the secret: the cruel Jæïnokian Consulate is being struck by a deadly plague that their old enemies, the Zantkamar Empire, refuse to analyze. The secret of Exovarcéôs could save their slavelings and themselves from certain doom. But the Zantkamar are determined to let them work for themselves to survive. With innocent lives being lost by the second, Kotaia and Znurai must give the secret to someone before it destroys the whole galaxy... but how will they know who to give it to? [spoiler=Corresponding Card: Exovarcéôs]Comments: Yes, it's supposed to be a counter spell card. [spoiler=Prologue: The Plague][align=center]PROLOGUE The Plague[/align] It was another normal day on Jæïnokr. Screams of pain echœd through the deep caverns in the slave canyons as victims of Jæïnokian conquest toiled endlessly. Sparks crackled as the pain amplifiers wore off. One particularly loud screech was heard in the canyon NuuB-1017.017... A Hunelian child was crying; the thing couldn’t have been more than five or six. Its dull, small beak clicked as its green, tube-like tongue wiggled and its lungs worked furiously beneath the tough skin on its chest. Its pale, yellow, hard skin was nearly white, and its three tiny black eyes were shiny with tears. The four whip-like tendrils that hung down from its rectangular head were drooping. Surprisingly, the Hunelian wasn’t crying in pain; its mother had just died. “Shtoni, ki nòtòdas tso!” a creature barked harshly as it stormed towards the area. Shut up, you stupid child! Its three sandy brown legs trotted down the rocks as it descended towards the fallen Hunelian parent. Its lizard-like head protruded from its chest, with a chocolate-brown mane invoking a donkey running down its long, thick neck. A pair of arms protruded from each side of the neck, tipped with black-clawed, eight-fingered hands. Each one held a pain amplification button, which could send a dose of pain to any slave the Jæïnokian felt needed it. Recognizing the potential danger, the Hunelian fell silent. The Jæïnokian checked the body for vital signs, and then put down its buttons. Knowing that the child wouldn’t dare touch the buttons, the monstrous alien was able to unload a pack from its shoulder. From inside it, it withdrew a pair of syringes and what looked like a small metal detector. First, it ran over the body with the detector. It flipped up a screen on the handle and read over the results, far from encouraged. It read Lorg ává malagh. Death by illness. Returning its instruments to the pack, the Jæïnokian tapped something on its wrist, and barked in: “Snâti móvnà; cbai NuuB-1017.017. Ni snajjna, nìth lorgbba àvà malagh. Snâti móvnà. Nit snajjnat tjhai lorgbben môìth nakll. Snâti móvnà!” A staticky response came quickly: “Onit móvnàit manimk. Nti alfai; nit snajjnat tjhai lorgbbæ nakll. Njitad.” The dead Hunelian’s daughter had started to cry again. “Shtoni!” the Jæïnokian warned, raising a button threateningly, one of its four opposable thumbs raised and poised to send the charge. The child ceased her crying. Soon, four more Jæïnokians came darting in, carrying each side of a cylindrical pod. “Oïan vnal fnitsi, tso!” the lizard-like beings ordered. Frightened, the Hunelian girl moved away from her mother obediantly, eyeing the pain amplification button apprehensively. The parent had gotten to full maturity. She looked far more humanoid and beautiful than her daughter. The whips that hung from the back of her now rounder head were black, as were the venomous spikes that now protruded from her softer, pinker, less ridged skin. Her three eyes were all wide open, frozen in a permanent. “Shnapâttn-kddrek!” the one with the pain buttons ordered, and the rest lowered the large cylinder. One tapped a button with one if its gangly arms. The others slipped on gloves and picked up the corpse, lowering it into the now open cylinder. After this operation was complete, the apparent leader barked, “Móvnà!” The rest picked up the cylinder and trailed after. Once they were out of eyeshot, the Hunelian child began to cry again. All of them were completely unaware of everything about that death. They were unaware that the woman had died of a lethal disease, never seen before in the universe. They were unaware that the disease was a deadly, hyper-contagious plague. They were unaware that the plague had a dark and sinister origin surpassing any weapon in history. And they were all completely unaware of the fact that even now, the plague was spreading... waiting... preparing to kill. [spoiler=Corresponding Card: Jæïnokian Mega-Plague]Comments: I can't think of any. [spoiler=Chapter I: The Derelict's Descent][align=center]Chapter 1 The Derelict's Descent[/align] Kotaia slowly and groggily opened her eyes. The dorm would likely be full of people getting dressed for the day and heading to breakfast. Maybe some would be headed for the Pressure Dome already. They were supposed to be passing a planet that day. But no one was there. The Lithali girl’s eyes snapped open. She supported herself on three of her arms while she rubbed her tired face with her fourth clawed hand. The dorm was darkened and empty. She panicked, eyes darting around wildly. Good, she thought to herself as her wild eyes rested on her brother, Znurai. His noseless face was peaceful, third ear slackened against his scruffy hair. “Znurai, wake up,” she called to her brother in Common, still frightened and apprehensive. It’s five o’ clock colony time, she thought to herself. And fifty thousand adults don’t just leave two twelve-year-olds on their own... do they? “Gnuh, whaddizid, sis?” Znurai murmured tiredly as he pushed his body up partially with two of his arms. “No one’s here,” Kotaia said hysterically, staring at the colony maintenance screen. Each colonist could see any area on the ship at any time with the device. “No one’s on board!” She was screaming now. It was true; the screens had cycled. The ship was as good as a derelict. “All escape pods have been fired... Surely no one would have just forgotten us?!” “No way!” Now Znurai was wide awake. “So we’re stuck on this thing, trying to get past a planet’s gravitational field?! We’ll never make it!” “And look at the planet!” Kotaia shrieked. It was a dreadful sight, let me tell you. The ship was turning so quickly that the Lithali had to use the Kitar lifts to reach the bridge if they wanted to contine gazing at the planet that would surely be their doom. After the pod shot out of the cable that led to its destination, they skidded and rose, darting to the viewscreen to see what was going on. The planet was clouded with very toxic-looking purple gases. The surface, if it existed, was invisible, entirely obscured by the poisonous cloud cover. Already, the colony ship had entered its rings, which were all huge. Fine, iridescent asteroids floated by the colony as it descended. Truly ominous, however, were the bluish-white flashes that flashed all about the toxic atmosphere. “We’re not gonna make it!” Znurai screamed. “There must be something on this thing!” his sister wailed. They paced the bridge in thought, the planet that was their impending doom coming ever closer. Suddenly, the male stopped in his tracks, his sister staring anxiously at him with one eye. The other was staring straight at the ominous ball of gas. “The ejectable bridge,” Znurai told his desperate sister. “Standard requirement for Terrestrial ships. I never realized why, until now. It’s pretty hopeless, but...” “I’ll pilot,” Kotaia told him instantly, flying to the seemingly pointless bridge controls. “That explains these...” “Ready for ejection?” Znurai asked. “No time not to be,” Kotaia replied, wringing each pair of opposite claws. “Sucks to be a Lithali right now,” he managed before awkwardly grasping the valve that released the bridge. Lithali had inarticulate claws, rather than the fine fingers of most other races. “You can say that again,” she muttered, grabbing the steering joystick just as awkwardly. “Here we go, then!” he shouted, heaving the valve as hard as he could. There was a sickening lurch and both beings nearly hit the floor. The bridge, tilting the floor and sending the unprepared Znurai rolling into the back wall in time to feel it heat up immensely. The thrusters were firing. The window showed a nauseating as the pod righted itself and started to gun towards the planet. The brother was able to escape being burnt by the full-powered thrusters, though his back was still aching from the initial heat. “Hey, sis?” Znurai asked the concentrating Kotaia suddenly. “What?” Her left eye deviated from the bridge viewscreen, eyeing her brother curiously. “If we survive this, what do you think we should call this planet?” She cocked a nearly-flat eyebrow. “Tasmarcéûs,” she told him, returning her eye to the viewscreen. “I was thinking along the lines fo Exodían,” he replied. “’Cause there was sort of an exodus aboard the ship.” “Well, then, we compromise,” his sister decided. “Exovarcéôs.” Suddenly, a temperature gauge skyrocketed. Kotaia didn’t notice; her brother did. “We’re starting atmospheric descent,” he warned. The viewscreen was starting to show purple dust. Without warning, what looked like a blue lightning bolt shot by the detached bridge, illuminating the whole interior despite the viewscreen’s artificial nature. “Hang on to your lunch, then.” Kotaia whipped the bridge around; Znurai’s clawed toes ripped a floor panel out. “No kidding!” he agreed, shutting his eyes tightly and digging his sixteen fingers into the floor. “What is this freakish stuff, anyway?” The mini-ship whirled again, just missing a blue bolt. Suddenly, the host vessel showed up. The siblings turned one eye each to stare in awe; Kotaia kept her second focusing on the viewscreen, and Znurai on the temperature gauge. “Watch it, it’s starting to heat up,” he informed his sister apprehensively. She whirled the bridge again, barely keeping the colony ship in view. The blue thunder shot right past their former location and struck the old colony ship in the Pressure Center. It exploded, sending a Biosphere rocketing towards the presumed surface. “Electron storms,” both siblings said simultaneously. “Watch the temperatures, I’ll keep going down... or at least where I think is down,” Kotaia finished quietly as she shot after the erroneous Biosphere. After about twenty minutes of nauseating chases and near-strikes from the electron bolts, the purple began to clear. “Finally, we’re nearing the surface!” Kotaia sighed, exhausted. “I’ll grapple that Biosphere, an — Hey, Znurai, you okay?” He didn’t seem to be; rather, he looked so dizzy and nauseous that his sister didn’t know whether he’d pass out or throw up first. [spoiler=Corresponding Card: Terrestrial Colony Ship]Comments: Coming Soon. [spoiler=Kandrath][align=center]Chapter II Kandrath[/align] The world was swimming before the boy’s eyes: he’d been sleeping for far too long. He’d had the strangest dream, too. The colony ship he’d been traveling on had been deserted except for himself and his sister, and the duo had barely been able to evacuate in the ejectable bridge and land on a nearby planet, which he had called Exovarcéôs. Could it have been real? he thought to himself. Could I actually stranded on some undiscovered world alone with my sister? No, he realized, here I am, in the BioSphere. It’ll be that awful breakfast any second... “Good, you’re awake,” Kotaia’s voice penetrated Znurai’s glum thoughts. “You passed out as soon as we landed.” Landed?! The predator panicked. “So...” he rasped. “You don’t remember?” his sister said sympathetically. “We’re stranded on some undiscovered world, with no other intelligent life forms nearby. I set up the BioSphere on the ground; it’s a sort of colony. Hang on, I’ll go get breakfast. The food here is amazing, by the way.” She darted out of the Sphere (which was actually more of a dome) and returned a few seconds later, dragging a huge carcass of some horned, alien beast along behind her. “Eat. You’ve been out for hours,” Kotaia commanded, sinking her teeth and claws into the meal herself. As unappetizing as it may sound to a human, Lithali are natural predators. The dead creature was a Lithali feast. After he finished eating Kotaia’s catch, Znurai asked, “Did you start mapping the planet yet?” “No,” she replied after swallowing another chunk of the animal, “there hasn’t been time. This thing has barely been set up. Do you want to start today?” Znurai had to think about this. As discussed earlier, Lithali are essentially sentient raptors, and are well-adapted to life in harsh conditions. On the other hand, wandering around on an unknown planet in his condition could prove fatal, and was incredibly stupid anyway. “Better sooner than later,” he finally decided, gathering a few chunks of his breakfast and stowing them into a kind of bag. An hour later, the siblings were on their way. Since Znurai was ill, Kotaia was the more able predator, and therefore, the former was entrusted with the cartographic equipment while the latter acted as a trailblazer. Now, the two were standing at the base of a huge mountain, stretching up into the heavens farther than their keen eyes could see. This mountain was wholly rocky, with little plant life visible to them. However, it wasn’t steep. “...Easy mountain,” Znurai remarked. “Still,” Kotaia cautioned, “all we have to do is map it... We could just go around.” Just as she said that, a noise was heard. It was unpleasantly familiar to the siblings: the sound of claws scraping against rock. “Intelligent or not,” Znurai said nervously, “that’s dangerous.” The twins stood at silent alarm, poised to act at any moment. They didn’t even notice the beast creeping out from behind a nearby crag until it leaped. Barely dodging with their animalistic instincts, once they had recovered, they were immediately daunted. With the impressive beast standing before them, all they could do was stand and look terrified. The awful beast had a head shaped vaguely like an antique lightbulb, with two insectoid pincers extending from the bottom. Two scarlet, faintly glowing compound eyes were located at fairly orthodox locations on the monster’s bulbous skull. It had a segment of silver scales lining its neck, which connected directly to its leathery, black, serpentine body. Four sharp-looking legs protruded from the rope-like body, and towards the clubbed tail, a fifth prong extended towards the ground, making the monstrosity pentapedial. The whole form of it rippled with instinct and muscle: the ultimate hunter. The Lithali had finally been outclassed. “No choice now, eh?” Znurai laughed, terrified. The two didn’t hesitate to begin scrambling up the mountain, vile insect trailing close behind. Unfortunately, the predatorial beast seemed to have adapted to mountain life much better than the Lithali had, and it didn’t take long for it to catch up, lunging at Kotaia with frightening speed and accuracy. It would have taken her arm off were it not for her matador-like response, which glanced off the armor on its neck and left the creature unscathed. Znurai, meanwhile, was stumbling to the entrance of a cave, hoping he would be able to evade the beast. He hesitated once he saw how close his sister had come to death, and started to run back. He would have gotten there were it not for a dry, scaly tentacle whipping into his face. Looking backwards, he saw that the black tentacles were emerging from a similarly toned cloak. Another unfamiliar being had caught him. Znurai panicked. “Fear not,” the cloak said in a warm, orotund man’s voice, turning a very intimidating mask that didn’t seem to have any face under it to the boy. “I’ll deal with the Gralde.” It swooped towards the evil being, which was immediately distracted. Shockingly, the predator was scared off by the amazing screech the cloak let out, and it took off down the mountain with all the agility it had ascended with. Kotaia raced over to her brother, terrified for his safety. The cloaked man interrupted her with his voice, saying, “He’s fine.” The glowing eyeholes of the mask then bored straight into her own eyes. Suddenly, the light turned scarlet. Black spots were starting to appear everywhere. The world began to swirl and tilt around her... she was rocketing to the floor... she squenched her eyes shut... it didn’t help... she was passing out... She snapped her eyes open. They were back in the Biosphere, Znurai poring anxiously over her. “Wha— who—?” Kotaia could barely speak. “He’s called the Beforeprophet,” Znurai explained. “He said that look was a kind of test... He gave us this and said we had no choice but to read it if we wanted to survive.” He waved an actual print book over her face. It looked like it was seven or eight centuries old, and was jet-black, with an odd neon green design on the front. “We’d better get started, then,” Kotaia muttered tiredly, fingering a flame-shaped clasp. As soon as she touched it, the codex flew open, green designs shining brightly. “...This is no ordinary codex,” he said, uncertain. “He didn’t save our lives just to kill us himself,” she pointed out. “So... this says... “Kandrath - Compilation of Universal Theories and Apocalyptic Devices.” Chapter III will be up soon(er than chapter II was). Again, R/R, svp. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted February 24, 2008 Report Share Posted February 24, 2008 B - U - M - P. If you read this story, PLEASE offer your opinion... please? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kyub Posted March 3, 2008 Report Share Posted March 3, 2008 Good story so far, should probably explain all the cultures a bit more.Put up Chapter 2, the darkness within me wishes it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted March 3, 2008 Report Share Posted March 3, 2008 Sorry, Chapter 2 will take a while. To make up for it, I've decided to release 1 card per chapter, including the prologue, epilogue, and back-of-the-book summary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PokeLen Posted March 17, 2008 Report Share Posted March 17, 2008 Nice work. I really like this story. But I can wait for Ch. 2, I'm patient...ish... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted March 29, 2008 Report Share Posted March 29, 2008 Chapter two is OUT! Feel the drama! I'll give you one guess as to what is inside the Kandrath. First person to guess correctly gets a rep if they also review. It's fairly obvious, so review soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted March 29, 2008 Report Share Posted March 29, 2008 Lump. It's bump with an L. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted March 31, 2008 Report Share Posted March 31, 2008 BUMP. I didn't spend half a day typing my ass off for everyone to ignore this story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted April 7, 2008 Report Share Posted April 7, 2008 BUMP!!! This - is - infuriating!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parting Shot Posted April 11, 2008 Report Share Posted April 11, 2008 Ooh, looks interesting. I'm at work so I can't read it right now, but I'll read it when I get home. It definitely looks to be a good read though ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted April 11, 2008 Report Share Posted April 11, 2008 Thank you very much. I look forward to your opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parting Shot Posted April 11, 2008 Report Share Posted April 11, 2008 ^_^ It's very good! I love the title of the book at the end of Chapter 2 :D The characters are vivid, and it is easy to associate with the protagonists. The storyline, while seeming a little rushed, is still excellent. There's a few grammatical errors, but nothing that's a big deal. I can't wait to see what happens to Kotaia and Znurai, and find out who that cloaked figure really is ^_^ Well done!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted April 11, 2008 Report Share Posted April 11, 2008 ...Thank you very much. Although you won't be finding out who the cloaked figure is any time soon. I'm about halfway done with chapter 3, so watch for that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parting Shot Posted April 13, 2008 Report Share Posted April 13, 2008 Ooh, I can't wait ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ixigo Posted May 20, 2008 Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 Daym... missed this for so long, until I took notice of the lower part of your signature. This is well-written, very much so. It lacks some of the "forced-ness" that is evident in Mystwar as it is not trying to support a particular concept - in Mystwar's case, the card / board game, letting the story flow more freely and naturally. I like the concept behind the plot, and it is very solidly set up in the prologue and backcover summary. And also - One particularly loud screech was heard in the canyon NuuB-1017.017... Dunno if this was intentional or not, but I laughed pretty hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted May 20, 2008 Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 ^^That was intentional, yes. Thank you SO much for bumping this. I'll put up Chappie Trois ASAP. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parting Shot Posted May 20, 2008 Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 ^^That was intentional' date=' yes. Thank you SO much for bumping this. I'll put up Chappie Trois ASAP.[/quote'] Yay, finally an update!! I've been anxiously awaiting further development in this story ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Protoman Posted May 20, 2008 Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 agree this is neat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ixigo Posted May 20, 2008 Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 Ho, I thought you had computer access issues. Well, glad to see you can still get on. That means I should get working on that Mystwar post sooner rather than later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted May 22, 2008 Report Share Posted May 22, 2008 MY OTHER COMPUTER'S KEYBOARD IS DEAD. CHAPTER III WAS ON THE OTHER COMPUTER. Now I have to rewrite the WHOLE THIRD CHAPTER. Blame my brother. Hacking my FF.net account was bad enough... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ixigo Posted May 23, 2008 Report Share Posted May 23, 2008 Eh, why? Just move your keyboard to your other computer... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted May 23, 2008 Report Share Posted May 23, 2008 It won't connect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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