Field of Dreams- A football FF

[StealthyTyranitar]

Alright, here is my first Fanfic, which is about a young football player and his hopes and dreams. Thank You for reading!

[spoiler=Chapter 1- Laying Down the Turf]
Chapter 1
“Hike!” The word was yelled across the field. The ball was snapped into the Quarter Back’s hand, and he dropped back into the pocket. He was wearing a Black uniform with red numbers, signifying he was a Greenbrier High Falcon. It was his sophomore year, and he had blown the team away last year. But he’s not important right now. Who was important was the freshman who had shown up for tryouts. He was short, but had a nice build. He had a blonde buzz cut, giving him a rather odd look, and his jaw was set like a stone. He dropped back, following the receiver, who had just made a turn on the slants route. Lukas, the Cornerback,followed him loosely, and when the quick pass, very much like a bullet, to the receiver was fired, he jumped in front of the ball, making an interception. The coach, who had been coaching the team for 13 years, turned to the assistant.

“What’s that kid’s name?” he asked, looking at the young boy, with the glasses and clip board. He flipped through the pages in the clipboard, and found his name.

“Lukas Foren. He just moved here to from Iowa.”The assistant replied. Coach Freeman sized the kid up. “Hmm, put him as a starter for JV. We’ll see how he does.”


After a long tryout, the boys headed back to the locker room. One of the Cornerbacks, a senior, came up to Lukas. The senior still had most of his gear on, though it didn’t seem to bother the senior. The guy had short, black hair and a muscly build. He was pretty tall, and he loomed over Lukas like a vulture, though he didn’t give off that feeling at all. In fact, he gave off an inviting feeling, one that made you want to hang out with him.

“Hey, nice job out there, little dude. You really showed it up to Mike. He thinks he’s the best thing since sliced bread.” Lukas nodded his head. “Thanks.” He said, looking at the senior.
“So,” He asked the senior. “Are we looking at the championship this year?” The guy shrugged. “Maybe. The name’s Tony, by the way.” He said, leaving the locker room….

Lukas came home to an empty house. He walked through the door, and found a note on the fridge. It read ‘Have to go to New York City for a few days. There’s food in the fridge, and if you need it, money in the same spot as usual. Love, Mom. P.S. No parties!’ He opened the knife drawer, and found what she was talking about. There was a twenty dollar bill under the biggest knife. He closed the drawer, and walked out of the house.

He walked to a nearby park, where he had been practicing before. He practiced his agility by weaving in between trees, or running intricate routes. He trained endurance with sprints and runs around the park. He had purchased a ball throwing machine, and placed it in the middle of an open space. It started chucking out balls to random places, while Lukas attempted to run and catch them. He went back home after many hours of this sort of training, and lied down on his couch, ready to hear of his position on the team…

The next morning, one of Lukas’ dreams was interrupted with a loud ringing. He rubbed his eyes groggily, and looked at the phone. The caller I.D. read Coach, who had given them his number last night, after practice. His eyed snapped open and Lukas barrel rolled over to the phone. He picked it up. “Hello?” Lukas said, and a gruff voice replied “You Lukas Foren?” Lukas nodded his head, and then realized that the person at the other end of the line couldn’t see him. “Yah, that’s me.” He replied. His fingers were crossed, as the man on the other side of the line replied, “You made starter for JV. First practice is Wednesday at 6. Don’t miss it.” The man hung up, and so did Lukas. He was excited that he had made JV, and it was most definitely better than being second string on the varsity team. He got out of bed, made a Hot Pocket, and checked the list of JV players. He called the Quarter Back and one of the Wide Receivers up. “Hey, you wanna practice down at the park?” They had both said yes.

He got his gear on, and headed down to the park, where he found the other guys already throwing the ball around and the sorts. The three of them practiced, getting to know each other. The Quarterback was named Robert, and he lived down the street from the park. The WR was named Gregory, and also lived near here, but a bit farther away than the other two. Robert was living with both of his parents, who were both apparently really nice. Greg lived with just his Dad; his mother had been killed in a car accident. Lukas then told them the story of how his parents were divorced but he only lived with his mom, and how there had been no battles over custody or anything. When they were finished, Lukas went back home, and called up one of his old friends from Iowa. Lukas told him about the team, and his bud was excited about him, but he seemed busy with something. He told him goodbye, and lay back down on the couch. He fell asleep again, ready for the next practice.

The week went by, and kids were out talking about the new school year. He showed up to his first practice wearing his gear. They started off with a few laps around the field, and then coach taught them the practice rules.
“One: If you’ve made a turnover, then make sure you have the ball and call it. The play will then end. Two: Do not take down the Quarter Back. If you are about to tackle, rush pass him so we don’t have any unnecessary injuries. Three: My word goes. If any of you think differently, then I want you to go to that locker room, back up your stuff, and leave my sight immediately.”

They then began with the plays. Lukas prevented 70 percent of the passes to his receivers from being caught, and that put him on top of the team for forced incomplete passes. Then, he had to blitz. He remembered not to hurt the quarterback, and charged the line full speed, expecting a hard hit. He didn’t expect it to be as hard as it was. He ran straight into the tight end, and fell right on his back, the wind knocked out of him. He tried to get back up, and succeeded. He then engaged with the Tight end, rolling of off him and into the pocket. He hit the ball as it was fired, and one of the Linebackers snagged it. It was another successful play, but Lukas was hurt badly. He got it checked by the nurse who had been standing by as he watched the practice, and he said it wasn’t too bad; he would just need to rest it for a day.

He went home again, and practiced that Friday, seeing as his ribs had healed. His mom came back home, and they went school supply shopping, getting the rest of the stuff for school that he hadn’t already gotten.
School started the next day.

He woke up, and got ready, then headed off to school. The school was a large, brick building with a bell tower in the middle. There was a banner hanging across the large doors that read: “Soar to New heights, Falcons!” He walked into the large, glass doors, and into the office. There was a line to get the schedule, and Lukas got into it. Then, a girl got behind him. He looked at here, and immediately felt nervous. She had sparkling blue eyes and a nice, auburn colored ponytail. Focus, he told himself. Now is not the time for falling for girls! He got his schedule. It read: “First Bell: Algebra 2.” Lukas walked into the classroom, and found that the same girl from the line was there, and the only empty desk was next to her. He shrugged his shoulders, and sat down for his class.
End of Chapter 1
[/spoiler]

[Not-so-Radiant Arin]

[size=7]Going with Something Different: [color=#ff0000]Devil's Advocate's [/color]"Heart-Felt" Review[/size]

So, I haven't done a review in some time, and I was looking around the Fan-Fic Section today, and I noticed something that particularly caught my eye:

"Field of Dreams - A Football FF"

At first, I was confused and didn't know if this was a practical joke or not, but indeed, this is a story.....about football.......one of the most brutal sports in the history of sports that started almost 130 years ago. It is a good thing that my girlfriend isn't here right now to watch me ramble about football (considering that the LSU game is on today), because she would eventually stab me with a knife.

So, it's a football story. Very original. So how is it going to be different from say, "Remember the Titans" or "Invictus"? Well, we shall see.

Let's dive in.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 1

“Hike!” The word was yelled across the field. The ball was snapped into the Quarter Back’s hand, and he dropped back into the pocket. He was wearing a Black uniform with red numbers, signifying he was a Greenbrier High Falcon.

[color=#ff0000][b]OH GOD, TOO MUCH PASSIVE VOICE![/b][/color]

It was his sophomore year, and he had blown the team away last year. But he’s not important right now.

[color=#ff0000][b]Really, I thought we were supposed to be focusing on this guy. But then you turn around and say, "oh, he's nothing more than a pile of bricks". Why do we even care, then?[/b][/color]

He had a blonde buzz cut, giving him a rather odd look, and his jaw was set like a stone. He dropped back, following the receiver, who had just made a turn on the slants route.

[color=#ff0000][b]So I'm guessing this is a Shotgun Formation? Completely hypothetical, of course, for one who knows football as much as I do.[/b][/color]

The cornerback followed him loosely, and when the bullet to the receiver was fired,

[color=#ff0000][b]Oh, shizz, someone's planning a murder![/b][/color]

he jumped in front of the ball, making an interception.

[color=#ff0000][b]What? You can't compare bullets to footballs. Bullets kill people. The worst I've seen is someone getting the wind knocked out of them when the football hit their chest. That also probably meant he was the crappiest catcher I ever saw.[/b][/color]

The coach, who had been coaching the team for 13 years, turned to the assistant.
“What’s that kid’s name?” he asked, looking at the young boy, with the glasses and clip board. He flipped through the pages in the clipboard, and found his name.

[color=#ff0000][b]Uh-oh. We run into our first separation problem. [/b][/color]

“Lukas Foren. He just moved here to from Iowa.” Coach Freeman sized the kid up. “Hmm, put him as a starter for JV. We’ll see how he does.”

[color=#ff0000][b]So there are two different speakers here? It is advisable to edit this and separate each line of dialogue so it is clear who is speaking. Ahh, yes, everything starts with Junior Varsity mayhem.[/b][/color]

After a long tryout, the boys headed back to the locker room. One of the Cornerbacks, a senior, came up to Lukas. The senior still had most of his gear on, though it didn’t seem to bother him.

[color=#ff0000][b]Bother who? Lukas or the other CB? An example of "hanging the sentence", where the person is not exactly known who is receiving the action in the sentence. I'm assuming it didn't bother Lukas, but for clarity, it should be written as Lukas was being bothered by the CB's presence.[/b][/color]

The guy had short, black hair and a muscly build.

[color=#ff0000][b]If he still had his gear on....[/b][/color]

He was pretty tall, and he loomed over Lukas like a vulture, though he didn’t give off that feeling at all. In fact, he gave off an inviting feeling, one that made you want to hang out with him.

[color=#ff0000][b]It's probably an invitation to a frat-boy party.[/b][/color]

“Hey, nice job out there, little dude. You really showed it up to Mike. He thinks he’s the best thing since sliced bread.” Lukas nodded his head. “Thanks.” He said, looking at the senior.
“So,” He asked the senior. “Are we looking at the championship this year?” The guy shrugged. “Maybe. The name’s Tony, by the way.” He said, leaving the locker room….

[color=#ff0000][b]Again...separation. [/b][/color]

Lukas came home to an empty house. He walked through the door, and found a note on the fridge. It read ‘Have to go to New York City for a few days. There’s food in the fridge, and if you need it, money in the same spot as usual. Love, Mom. P.S. No parties!’ He opened the knife drawer, and found what she was talking about. There was a twenty dollar bill under the biggest knife. He closed the drawer, and walked out of the house. He walked to a nearby park, where he had been practicing before.

[color=#ff0000][b]This is a pretty big scene change, so another paragraph break here would be nice.[/b][/color]

He practiced his agility by weaving in between trees, or running intricate routes. He trained endurance with sprints and runs around the park. He had purchased a ball throwing machine, and placed it in the middle of an open space.

[color=#ff0000][b]No benching or incline press like most other football trainees also do? Although, if he is shooting for QB, this would most likely be the most effective training, but we were told that he was a WR (or from what I assume), which also need lower body strength so they can run faster.[/b][/color]

It started chucking out balls to random places, while Lukas attempted to run and catch them. He went back home after many hours of this sort of training, and lied down on his couch, ready to hear of his position on the team…
The next morning, one of Lukas’ dreams was interrupted with a loud ringing. He rubbed his eyes groggily, and looked at the phone. The caller I.D. read Coach, who had given them his number last night, after practice. His eyed snapped open and Lukas barrel rolled over to the phone. He picked it up. “Hello?” Lukas said, and a gruff voice replied “You Lukas Foren?” Lukas nodded his head, and then realized that the person at the other end of the line couldn’t see him. “Yah, that’s me.” He replied. His fingers were crossed, as the man on the other side of the line replied, “You made starter for JV. First practice is Wednesday at 6. Don’t miss it.” The man hung up, and so did Lukas. He was excited that he had made JV, and it was most definitely better than being second string on the varsity team. He got out of bed, made a Ho Pocket, and checked the list of JV players. He called the Quarter Back and one of the Wide Receivers up. “Hey, you wanna practice down at the park?” They had both said yes. He got his gear on, and headed down to the park, where he found the other guys already throwing the ball around and the sorts. The three of them practiced, getting to know each other. The Quarterback was named Robert, and he lived down the street from the park. The WR was named Gregory, and also lived near here, but a bit farther away than the other two. Robert was living with both of his parents, who were both apparently really nice. Greg lived with just his Dad; his mother had been killed in a car accident. Lukas then told them the story of how his parents were divorced but he only lived with his mom, and how there had been no battles over custody or anything. When they were finished, Lukas went back home, and called up one of his old friends from Iowa. Lukas told him about the team, and his bud was excited about him, but he seemed busy with something. He told him goodbye, and lay back down on the couch. He fell asleep again, ready for the next practice.

[color=#ff0000][b]OH GOD THE PAIN! TOO......LONG.......OF A PARAGRAPH...............SEPARATION!!![/b][/color]

The week went by, and kids were out talking about the new school year. He showed up to his first practice wearing his gear. They started off with a few laps around the field, and then coach taught them the practice rules.

[color=#ff0000][b]Wouldn't it be nice to use the Enter button every once in a little while?[/b][/color]

“One: If you’ve made a turnover, then make sure you have the ball and call it. The play will then end. Two: Do not take down the Quarter Back. If you are about to tackle, rush pass him so we don’t have any unnecessary injuries. Three: My word goes. If any of you think differently, then I want you to go to that locker room, back up your stuff, and leave my sight immediately.”

[color=#ff0000][b]Of course a coach has to be strict about the different plays and attitudes. But yes, you want to take down the QB. That's the definition of sacking.[/b][/color]

They then began with the plays. Lukas prevented 70 percent of the passes to his receivers from being caught, and that put him on top of the team for forced incomplete passes. Then, he had to blitz.

[color=#ff0000][b]I always hear the Blitz Formation is the hardest formation to pull off. Of course, since Lukas is the main character of the story, he conveniently makes the play because he is the main character and for the sake of plot device makes Lukas look like a giant Gary Sue. Why should I continue to read this?[/b][/color]

He remembered not to hurt the quarterback, and charged the line full speed, expecting a hard hit. He didn’t expect it to be as hard as it was. He ran straight into the tight end, and fell right on his back, the wind knocked out of him. He tried to get back up, and succeeded. He then engaged with the Tight end, rolling of off him and into the pocket. He hit the ball [b]ash[/b] it was fired,

[color=#ff0000][b]Oops. The "H" Key isn't even remotely close to the "S" key.[/b][/color]

and one of the Linebackers snagged it. It was another successful play, but Lukas was hurt badly. He got it checked by the nurse, and he said it wasn’t too bad; he would just need to rest it for a day.

[color=#ff0000][b]Wait, what? So now we are in the nurse's office? Too fast. This is like a vivid dream sequence, where everything is flashing by you in seconds. Unless of course, you were planning that from the start.[/b][/color]

He went home again, and practiced that Friday, seeing as his ribs had healed.

[color=#ff0000][b]That quick, huh? Yea, giant Gary Sue.[/b][/color]

His mom came back home, and they went school supply shopping, getting the rest of the stuff for school that he hadn’t already gotten. School started the next day.

[color=#ff0000][b]Enter Key........[/b][/color]

He woke up, and got ready, then headed off to school. The school was a large, brick building with a bell tower in the middle.

[color=#ff0000][b]What school building isn't brick these days?[/b][/color]

There was a banner hanging across the large doors that read: “Soar to New heights, Falcons!” He walked into the large, glass doors, and into the office. There was a line to get the schedule, and Lukas got into it. Then, a girl got behind him. He looked at here,

[color=#ff0000][b]Oops.[/b][/color]

and immediately fell for her. She had sparkling blue eyes and a nice, auburn colored ponytail. Focus, he told himself. Now is not the time for falling for girls!

[color=#ff0000][b]Usually, it's the girl that falls for the guy. I'm expecting another Gary Sue moment.....[/b][/color]

He got his schedule. It read: “First Bell: Algebra 2.” Lukas walked into the classroom, and found that the same girl from the line was there, and the only empty desk was next to her. He shrugged his shoulders, and sat down for his class.

[color=#ff0000][b]Oh boy...something is a brewing...[/b][/color]

[color=#ff0000][b]Well, that was an eyesore to read. Not because it was bad or anything, but all of the paragraphs ran together and made it seem like a long dream sequence. There is an obvious Gary Sue in the story, which leads me to believe that, since he is perfect already, I shouldn't bother to continue reading this story because he gets everything that he wants in the end. If you want your story to have plot, like 99% of all Fan-Fiction, DON'T MAKE A CHARACTER WHO IS GOOD AT EVERYTHING! Oh yes, and remember to use the Enter Key. There were also a lot of spelling errors that I never meant to correct because posting a Fan-Fiction on here means that you at least know how to spell somewhat correctly. By reading through this, you didn't pass that qualification.[/b][/color]

[color=#FF0000][b]Also, your stories should be at least two pages in length. Looks just short of two from my eyes. inb4lock.[/b][/color]

[StealthyTyranitar]

Actually, it is two ppages.

Also, for some reason, when I transfered from Word to here, the paragraph breaks got all messed up.

You also missed a sentence in between the not too important thing and the description.
You obviouslly don't lnow much about actual football, either. A bullet is a term for a quick pass into the reciever's hands.
On the cornerback Lukas thing, I apologize. His weakness will be introduced, by the way.
The not sacking, in a practice, hitting the QB full on and hurting him isn't such a good idea. When you rush past him, the play ends.
On the nurse thing, he was at the practice. He also said it would only take a day to heal.
Also, those spelling mistakes are simpely edited.

Edited

[bury the year]

[quote name='The First Mohican' timestamp='1316909964' post='5538125']
You obviouslly don't lnow much about actual football, either. A bullet is a term for a quick pass into the reciever's hands.
[/quote]

I'm sure that a lot of people don't know too much about American football, like say, the rest of the globe. If you can't describe the finer points of a topic to a sufficient degree to people who wouldn't be familiar with it and are reading your fic, you've failed.

[StealthyTyranitar]

Alright, sorry. I'll edit.