♠Decietful King♠ Posted September 7, 2011 Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 [center][center] [/center][/center] [center][center][spoiler=Chapter 1 Escape] [i]Run, [/i]he thought,[i] Keep running. [/i]Random thoughts kept traversing through his mind as whizzed past the ruins that used to be called Neo Brunon City. He could see the borderlines a couple hundred yards away. His first thought was there could be no way he could make it all the way back home seeing he was in the heart of the forbidden zone when he was found scavenging the area. There weren’t many places to hide; knowing the patrol robots would find him soon or later if that was his plan. He began to slow down as he heard the sirens on the bots getting louder and louder. He didn’t want to slow down but he was at his limit; he had been running for a three or four miles only taking quick breaks to catch his breath and evade capture. The inner city was so close he could almost taste freedom. He tightened the red bandana around his pale forehead while his spiky white hair and the bandana caught the wind. His black coat was pieces of cloth missing from where it caught on and tore off while he was running. He was dirty something he wasn’t very used to and he didn’t like it much he got ready to run again.[/center][/center] [center][center] [/center][/center] [center][center]The tall young man grabbed his topaz pendant that hung from a silver chain and prayed silently for his successful escape and took off. Old dark tennis shoes hitting the rough pavement as he sprinted like a gazelle attempting to escape lioness. As he ran the distance seemed to become longer and longer; he didn’t understand why he couldn’t run any faster. The sirens became louder and he knew it was just a matter of time before they caught up to him. [i]So close, [/i]he thought, [i]just a couple more meters.[/i] He knew it was hopeless though as tall muscular figure stood in the path of the white haired youth. [i]Dammit![/i] He couldn’t believe he was so close to escape just to be stopped by this man. He slowed down a little to look at his features: long red hair, demented light green eyes, and a rugged face with a five ‘o clock shadow. The man wore old combat jeans with big black combat boots and a sleeveless forest-green shirt underneath a long sleeveless light green coat. He didn’t seem to be anyone the teen knew so he sidestepped him and notice something odd about the man; he was chewing on a cinnamon stick.[/center][/center] [center][center]The man didn’t try to stop him to his relief and just turned around to watch him run away to freedom. When he was safe inside the city limits he stopped on the sidewalk to catch his breath. He dropped to his butt and sat there on the concrete. He ran his long fingers through his hair and sighed in relief. The teen laid on his back and looked up at the gray sky, [i]Great it’s gonna rain today[/i]. As soon as he finished the thought, a drop of water fell onto his face refreshing him a little. He stood up slowly still tired from the running and began walking in the direction of his home. Little did the young man know; he was being followed by the man from about ten minutes ago. He put his hands in his pocket and brought out what he had been looking for in the forbidden zone. A playing card, normally he wouldn’t risk his life for just a card but this wasn’t just any card. It was the same card his missing father owned when he was little. Multiple trips into the forbidden zone and multiple successful escapes had finally paid off. Yes these trips were just for this little card but it had more value to him than anything else he currently owned. His grey eyes looked around him to make sure no one was watching and placed the card back in his pocket. Then he stopped his eyes widened; how had he not noticed it earlier? That man, the cinnamon stick, the demented light green eyes, it was him. The man who had murdered his father for that same card, the one he finally found and was now in his possession. He felt like an idiot why hadn’t he noticed. Maybe it was the lack of oxygen but he had to go back and find that man. [i]No,[/i] said his conscious. He couldn’t risk being caught just for his need for vengance. It had to wait. He started back on his long walk home.[/center][/center] [center][center]After about an hour of walking the teen made it home. He opened the door to a chorus of arguments. His two younger sisters arguing with each other over nothing probably he assumed. His youngest brother yelling at his eldest sister about nothing and the girl just sat there and took it. When he closed the door the arguments immediately stopped. He knew none of them actually shared a resemblance but he and the other kids here practically raised each other after his father died.[/center][/center] [center][center]“Hakua,” asked the youngest child in the house his lime green eyes widened, “Did you find it?” The girls look intently as they awaited his answer. His little brother was about thirteen had long black hair and wore a gray bandana over his hair. The little one idolized Hakua and his bravery wishing to be like him when he grew older. His black sleeveless shirt met his gray shorts around his waist line and he was jumping around in combat boots he believed were stylish.[/center][/center] [center][center]Hakua smiled a wide grin and pulled out the card. It had some torn edges but otherwise was in very good shape. “How could you ever doubt me, Nue?” Nue tried to grab the card out of Hakua’s hand but Hakua was too tall for him.[/center][/center] [center][center]His brown haired sister stood up opening her devilish red eyes. She was fairly tall for her age of fifteen and wore high heel boots. She and Nue’s outfit matched perfectly gray shorts, and a black sleeveless top. “Maybe because this is your fifth time going,” she started grinning, “And your first time ever coming back with something.” [/center][/center] [center][center] [/center][/center] [center][center]Hakua showed mock agony on his face, “No s***, thanks for pointing out the already obvious, Aka.”[/center][/center] [center][center]Aka smiled at him in mock resentment and then began to laugh. “No problem brother,” she said still laughing at him. Hakua looked at his other two sisters. They were the only two that were actually related, they were twins and both had blonde hair, golden eyes and one was barely shorter. The only differences between them were Shira’s hair was a little more golden color than Kishigi’s, and Kishigi was a little more developed than Shira not to say Shira wasn’t underdeveloped just not as big as her sister. They both sat back in silence while Aka and Nue admired the card.[/center][/center] [center][center]All of sudden they heard a knock on the door and a voice called from outside, “Sector Police! Open the Door.” [/center][/center] [center][center] [/center][/center] [center][center]They all look at the door with frightened eyes.[/center][/center] [center][center][size=6][b]To Be Continued......[/b][/size][/spoiler] [/center][/center] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agro Posted September 7, 2011 Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 You have to proofread better, there were a lot of grammatical errors all through the piece, especially within the first paragraph. That makes it hard for someone to read through it all and can even turn away some people if it's too bad. I'm probably going to read another chapter or two if you write them, but I'm not sure if I'll continue after that if the grammar and sentence structure doesn't improve. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♠Decietful King♠ Posted September 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 [quote name='AggroDrago' timestamp='1315404604' post='5498111'] You have to proofread better, there were a lot of grammatical errors all through the piece, especially within the first paragraph. That makes it hard for someone to read through it all and can even turn away some people if it's too bad. I'm probably going to read another chapter or two if you write them, but I'm not sure if I'll continue after that if the grammar and sentence structure doesn't improve. [/quote] Yeah sorry about that I haven't had much sleep lately and the structure is just my laziness. I'll rewrite chapter 1 when the story evolves further. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Moonflowyr Posted September 11, 2011 Report Share Posted September 11, 2011 Its kinda short.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♠Decietful King♠ Posted September 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2011 Yeah I know I just didn't want to add a duel to it and I'm not sure the next one will have one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.