Lunar Origins Posted September 3, 2011 Report Share Posted September 3, 2011 Well, this is pretty much my first story that I've put a bit of thought into. I don't expect it to do so well with the audiences, so whatever. I'm pretty noobish at writing so don't expect it to be too great XD -- [spoiler=PROLOGUE - MONEY TALKS] “So, you have the money, right?” The owner of this voice was quite the vagrant – tattered clothes, greasy, unwashed hair, the lot. Yet he had that sort of eagerness in his eyes, the type that you might find in a small child’s if you were to dangle something desirable to them in front of their eyes. The man sitting across from him smiled, taking his cigarette out his mouth and laying it to rest on the ashtray located on the table. He reached into his pocket and procured a small but nevertheless expensive looking wallet. Still smiling, he brought it to the top of the table and gave it a push towards the vagrant. “I’m a man of my word.” He stated, stroking his hand through his well-kept hair. He leaned forward towards the vagrant, tipping his chair as he did so. “I want you to tell me where they took her. One simple question; that’s all I ask of you, nothing more.” The smoker placed his hand on the wallet, to which the less-than-fortunate soul had already gone through. “Now, look here.” He placed his finger on the picture of a young woman; she couldn’t have been more than 24 years old. She was naturally beautiful. “Tell me what you know of the events surrounding her and her kidnapping.” The vagrant was mercilessly counting his own wad of money as the sharp-dressed man had pointed to the photograph. He snatched the wallet back from his interrogator, carefully eyeing the photo. “She is a beauty!” He said in an admiring fashion. He looked up at the man across from him for confirmation, but all he received was a cold, unnerving stare. “Alright, alright. I think I can help you.” He reached into his own tattered coat and produced a pen, which was in surprisingly good shape. He took the photo out of the wallet and scrawled a note on the back, then slid it back into its frame. “Sarah Riles. Been all over the news for a month now, hasn’t she?” He looked back up at his inquiring acquaintance, whom had now lit a new cigarette. “You do know that’s bad for your lungs.” “Just shut up and get on with it.” It was easy to tell that the smoker was tired of being in this man’s presence. “Sorry, [i]sir.” [/i]The vagrant said sarcastically. “Her name is Sarah Riles, although I think you know that. She was kidnapped about a month ago; 27 days to be exact.” The vagrant smirked. “Now the big question is… whodunit?” The smirk turned into a smile as he noticed the smoking mans face become slightly angry. “I think I can help you with that. If you call the number I wrote down on the back of the picture,” He gestured towards the now-closed wallet. “then you will find someone who can elaborate on the situation a bit better than me. But just to give you a general idea of who you are dealing with…” He reached his hand back into his pocket, swapping the pen for a picture. He slid it across the table. The smoking man put out his cigarette as he looked at the picture. It was what appeared to be a photo of the girl being put into a black van. The sky was pitch black in the picture and the lighting was sparse, but he could clearly make out the insignia on one of the kidnappers vests- he couldn’t believe his eyes. The vagrant smiled. “[i]Bingo.[/i]” [/spoiler] ----------------- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agro Posted September 3, 2011 Report Share Posted September 3, 2011 I predict an epic action thriller. Anyway, seeing as this is just a prologue, I don't expect too much. The dialogue could be better, but that comes with time. Either way it's a pretty good start. For further reference, you should start a new paragraph every time a new speaker, well..., speaks. Also, be careful of putting too many quotations into one paragraph, even if it's the same person talking, it's awkward. Whatever you're putting in between can either become its own paragraph or is unnecessary. You have spacing, so your formatting is better than most of YCM has been the past week. Good start, just some formatting issues. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lunar Origins Posted September 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2011 [quote name='AggroDrago' timestamp='1315025159' post='5488291'] I predict an epic action thriller. Anyway, seeing as this is just a prologue, I don't expect too much. The dialogue could be better, but that comes with time. Either way it's a pretty good start. For further reference, you should start a new paragraph every time a new speaker, well..., speaks. Also, be careful of putting too many quotations into one paragraph, even if it's the same person talking, it's awkward. Whatever you're putting in between can either become its own paragraph or is unnecessary. You have spacing, so your formatting is better than most of YCM has been the past week. Good start, just some formatting issues. [/quote] Thanks for reading This is pretty much a side project for me, so I may only update it every week or so. I'll take what you said and apply it next time I write a chapter up. Don't worry, it won't be nearly as short as what I just posted >__> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lunar Origins Posted September 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 4, 2011 Nearly finished with the 1st chapter, will have it up in a bit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agro Posted September 4, 2011 Report Share Posted September 4, 2011 Make sure to proofread before you post it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sleepywood Posted September 8, 2011 Report Share Posted September 8, 2011 "in front of their eyes." "now-closed wallet. “then you will find..."" First quote: You used eyes shortly before this sentence. That gives it the BAD kind of repetition. Second: The period should be a comma, that is a big mistake! I made this a habit once upon a dream so I would know. -Proud Grammar Nazi- Very well paced but it seems as if your vocabulary as sudden shifts in advancement. It feels like you're trying to use good synonyms for over-used words but something isn't work. If I figure out what it is I'll be glad to tell you. Other than that the pace is nice, although it seems like a suspenseful story, I got no hints of suspense for foreshadows of suspense later in the story. This is a prologue after all, you do wanna catch reader's attention. Readers: Oh s*** -keeps reading- Good job. Keep me updated! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Moonflowyr Posted September 11, 2011 Report Share Posted September 11, 2011 Wow, I like it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lunar Origins Posted September 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2011 [quote name='Sleepywood' timestamp='1315513523' post='5500613'] "in front of their eyes." "now-closed wallet. “then you will find..."" First quote: You used eyes shortly before this sentence. That gives it the BAD kind of repetition. Second: The period should be a comma, that is a big mistake! I made this a habit once upon a dream so I would know. -Proud Grammar Nazi- Very well paced but it seems as if your vocabulary as sudden shifts in advancement. It feels like you're trying to use good synonyms for over-used words but something isn't work. If I figure out what it is I'll be glad to tell you. Other than that the pace is nice, although it seems like a suspenseful story, I got no hints of suspense for foreshadows of suspense later in the story. This is a prologue after all, you do wanna catch reader's attention. Readers: Oh s*** -keeps reading- Good job. Keep me updated! [/quote] I really try not to be repetitive... but it always, always comes off like that. Thanks for the info, though :3 [quote name='Rupert Giles' timestamp='1315761745' post='5507365'] Wow, I like it. [/quote] Thank you! [quote name='AggroDrago' timestamp='1315107261' post='5490576'] Make sure to proofread before you post it. [/quote] I'll try. I've been reeaaaally lazy and I can't find the word file that has chapter 1 and 2 in it... I'll post em when I find em. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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