Yugioh - End Game

[L0SS]

This is my first Fan Fic and my first attempt and describing a duel in words. It was rather hard, which is why the actual duel is short. This chapter raises a lot of questions and leaves a lot to be discovered. That was the intention. (No, really!) Thoughts and tips for improvement would be great!
[spoiler=Chapter 1]
[b]Yugioh – End Game[/b]

[b]Roman Carter stood motionless in his place. He could feel the open air flowing over his body; his long auburn hair was plastered across his head. Thousands of lights flashed in from the deep darkness that had swallowed him. He could hear the screams of lifeless spirits as they pounded against his head. Then he snapped out of it and opened his eyes. In front of him, thousands of eager spectators stood. The crowd was awash with blue, red, and yellow. Cameras flashed in synch every few seconds. The crowd was screaming. He loved it. It was a long time since he had duelled on such a scale. [/b]

[b]Roman activated his Duel disk and the crowd roared in anticipation. Roman glanced at his opponent, one Leo Taido. Leo had been King of Games for two years running, before totally losing it during a Duel and surrendering to his opponent. Now he was back to try and regain some of his reputation. Roman wouldn’t allow him that privilege. Roman placed his deck slowly into the Duel disk; it’s dome lit up in a flash of blue light, illuminating his face. He had donned his Ra yellow jacket. Roman had never moved up to Obelisk, citing that ‘Ra is the ultimate god, so Ra is the only place for me’. Besides, he wasn’t fond of the stuck up pricks in Obelisk any way. He drew his hand. [/b]

[b]“Lets start this thing”, he shouted enthusiastically.[/b]

[b]“Very well” Leo replied, as if giving permission. Roman surveyed his cards; and couldn’t have asked for more. As the Life Point counter floated obediently above his head he summoned ‘Breaker, the Magical Warrior’. [/b]

[b]“His effect, if you didn’t know, allows me to place a spell counter on him when he’s summoned; now, in other words.” Roman said with an arrogant smile spreading across his face; he couldn’t help it. Seeing his monsters for real was something he hadn’t experienced in a while. Breaker’s ATK rose to 1900. “I’ll set one card face-down and end my turn!” The card he had set was Bottomless Trap Hole, which would hopefully help him get out of a sticky situation. He knew Leo’s Deck was rather formidable, what he didn’t know was that Leo was about to prove it.[/b]

[b]“Right then, my turn.” Leo flipped a card out of his hand and held it straight out in front of him with two fingers. “By sending three monsters in my hand to the graveyard, I can special summon Montage Dragon!” Leo sent three of his monsters to the graveyard. Roman was awestruck. It was the second turn! Then he remembered his trap and masked his relief with a gasp. Montage Dragon flew straight from the card in a bolt of Lightning and landed triumphantly on the field. It’s attack stood at 3300 due to its effect of gaining 300 ATK x the level of the monsters used to summon. A sinister smile drew over Leo’s face, but not as big as the one on Romans.[/b]

[b]“Not so fast! I activate Bottomless Trap Hole; so say bye to that little Dragon of yours.” The card flipped over and Montage Dragon dropped down into a bottomless pit. Leo clenched his fists and gritted his teeth. He had to win this; he couldn’t afford to lose. Losing this would destroy the little reputation he had left. Still, he couldn’t let it faze him. He had more tricks up his sleeve.[/b]

[b]“I can still normal summon a monster” Leo said, to himself as much as anyone. He set down a monster. “I’ll end it the.”[/b]

[b]“Your sure as hell better be ready for this!” Roman exclaimed, letting this duel go to his head like he had when he won his first. He remembered it vividly. His father had gifted him with a simple starter deck, and after showing Roman the ropes, they dueled. His father’s deck, although not particularly good, should have easily beaten Roman’s. But Roman had taken victory in six turns. His father had told him that he was a destined champion, and Roman had gone around as if he was just that. His bossy and demanding attitude had gotten him beaten up a fair few times. The kids at school would tell him how he would never be a duel champion. But, to be fair to himself, he had gone on to be one. [/b]

[b]He returned his thoughts towards the Duel, and drew a card. It was Black Magician, a card virtually identical to Dark Magician but a hell of a lot more rare. With it’s red cladding and white hair, it had become a staple of his deck, but it certainly wasn’t his most powerful card, oh no. “I play Magical Dimension; which, by tributing a card on my field let’s me summon a spell-caster from my hand.”[/b]

[b]“And which one would that be?” Leo asked with an intrigued expression.[/b]


[b]“Can you guess?” Roman said as Black Magician appeared in a puff of smoke and fire. The crowd screamed at Romans flagship monster having been played so early, he just hoped Leo wouldn’t have a chance to show of his. “Now for the second effect of Magic Dimension; I can destroy one of your monsters.” The set monster Leo had played was sent into the graveyard. “Now, Black Magician attack!” Black Magician darted forward and launched a magical blast into the path of Leo, the surrounding area exploding in sparks and purple flames. Leo’s life points dropped to 1500.[/b]

[b]“Now would be a good time to activate an effect.”[/b]

[b]“What effect? You haven’t a card.” Roman was sure he couldn’t have.[/b]

[b]“Remember the set monster you sent to my graveyard? It was The White Stone of Legend.” Leo smirked as he placed Blue-Eyes White Dragon into his hand. Roman was furious, he had seen the card being sent to the graveyard, but had forgotten it’s effect. It allowed the user to add a Blue-Eyes White Dragon to their hand. Roman couldn’t let him summon it.[/b]

[b]“I’ll lay one card face down and end my turn.” Roman had lost most of his enthusiasm. He wasn’t thinking this through properly. He had to stop being so rash. He put a his hand through his hair, which was now a brown clump due to the beads of sweat dripping down his forehead. Leo couldn’t summon Blue-Eyes yet. It wasn’t so bad.[/b]

[b]“Now here is something you’ll like; I play the Spell card ‘Future Fusion’ which allows me to send the fusion material monsters for a fusion monster to the graveyard and summon it in two turns time, and do you know which monster I’m choosing?” Leo could almost hear the crowd say ‘Five-Headed Dragon’. [/b]

[b]He hadn’t realized how easy this duel would be. He watched as five dragons were sent from his deck and into the graveyard. [/b]

[b]“Now for my next move, I play ‘Monster Reborn’ to bring back my ‘Red-Eyes Darkness Metal Dragon’ that was sent to the graveyard.” Roman could only watch in disbelief as ‘Darkness Metal Dragon’ entered the field with an awesome fury. It roared as its stats were displayed. Roman cringed, 2800 ATK and 2400 DEF; more than enough to take down his magician. [/b]

[b]“But I haven’t finished yet. Now I activate ‘Darkness Metal Dragons’ effect. It allows me to special summon a Dragon monster from my hand. I think I’ll choose… Blue-Eyes White Dragon!” Leo practically screamed. The crowd were now staring in awe as Blue-Eyes thundered down to support it’s red-eyed counterpart. Roman could do nothing, his cards on the field were bluffs, and they were no help against the onslaught that was about to happen. He closed his eyes and breathed slowly. Just let it happen, he told himself. [/b]

[b]“Red-Eyes, attack his Black Magician” Leo commanded. Red-Eyes obeyed, swooping down on its prey and engulfing it in fire. Roman’s life points fell to 3700. “Now Blue-Eyes attack this hopeless hero directly!” Roman cringed further, what was that about a ‘hopeless hero’? He didn’t have long to thing as Blue-Eyes towered over him; it’s holographic shadow shrouding him in darkness. A blue beam was released from its mouth, and it surged towards Roman, knocking him onto his hands and feet as a gust of wind rippled through the air. His Life Points were sent down further, now standing at 700. [/b]

[b]“I’ll end my turn on that note.” Leo said with a sarcastic smile. Roman righted himself and gathered his thoughts. [/b]

[b]He slowly drew another card and looked at his hand thoughtfully.[/b]
[b]“This might just work,” he muttered under his breath. [/b]

[b]“Here goes!” Roman exclaimed as he set a monster down. The monster he had set was ‘Penguin Soldier’; a move he hoped Leo would not suspect. “I’ll end my turn.” Roman said, trying to sound as beaten as possible. Leo took the bait, forgetting that he could summon another monster due to ‘Metal Darkness Dragon’s’ effect, or simply not bothering to.[/b]

[b]“Pathetic” Leo said, with a real disgust in his voice. “Any last words?” Leo had suddenly taken on a whole new, arrogant tone. He was sure he would win. And he probably would. [/b]

[b]“Now Blue-Eyes attack! Lets end this.” Leo was smug, and as Blue-Eyes lunged forward, the crowd let out an expectant cheer. The set card flipped, revealing ‘Penguin Soldier’. For a second, Leo’s face held its smile; which then collapsed into a scowl.[/b]

[b]“I activate the effect of ‘Penguin Soldier’, which allows me to send two monsters back to their owners hand. Adios, dragons!” Roman laughed, as Leo’s dragons were sent back to his hand roaring in anger. Leo looked destroyed. Until his face lit up suddenly, evidently remembering his ‘Five-Headed Dragon was nearly ready.[/b]

[b]“End. My. Phase.” Leo said impatiently. [/b]
[b]Roman drew, hardly casting a glance at the card. The realization had hit him. He was going to lose. There was no way he could stop Leo’s dragon. Next turn, it would be on the field. He set the card down and ended his phase.[/b]

[b]Leo drew the one card he’d hoped he’d draw. The one card that would put this ‘champion’ out of his misery once and for all. Leo casually threw it onto his duel disk. ‘Dragon’s Mirror’ lit up as it activated. [/b]

[b]“This allows me to fusion summon a monster by banishing it’s materials from the graveyard.” Leo said with an air of calmness. Everyone knew what was coming. The whole crowd gasped as five of Leo’s dragons glowed ceremoniously as ‘Five-Headed Dragon’ was warped onto the field in a spectacular frenzy of lights, dust and sound. The crowd cheered, people stood and clapped at the magnificence of the monster that stood before them. The scale of it was enough to strike fear into the most fearless duelists heart. It’s ATK and DEF at 5000 were some of the strongest in the game. This was Leo’s Flagship, his key card. He very rarely managed to summon it. [/b]

[b]Its five heads roared with a fierce determination as its scales glistened in the pale light of the arena. It was for most, the strongest card they would ever see. [/b]

[b]“Now, this is the end. And a rather fitting ending it is. Five-Headed Dragon, direct attack!” Five-Headed Dragon rose upwards; it’s ten eyes glowing with an ancient rage. It’s gigantic wings spread open, blocking Roman’s view. It tore towards him; its heads emitted a blast larger and more devastating than anything Roman had ever seen. [/b]

[b]But then, something amazing happened. Roman came to his senses. The blast from Five-Headed dragon was deflected, and landed straight down into the path of Leo. All Leo could do was stare as the blast surrounded him, sending a force through the arena like nothing he had ever seen. The crowd ducked as banners, clothing, and objects were sent hurtling across the arena and into the wall on the other side. [/b]

[b]Roman stood, speechless; Magical Cylinder still floating by his side. As the holograms faded, the crowd peered over the stands to try and see what had happened; it didn’t take them long to realize. Roman had drawn ‘Magical Cylinder’ but in his blindness, he hadn’t realized until the last moment that it was on the field. Luckily he had activated it just in time. It had sent Five-Head Dragon’s attack straight back at Leo, who was kneeling on the floor; his deck sprawled out beside him. [/b]

[b]Leo was broken inside. How could he have been so idiotic? He was so caught up in the moment, he hadn’t given a single thought to Roman’s cards. It was all over; his career was finished.[/b]

[b]“Are you okay?” Roman asked cautiously, running over to Leo.[/b]

[b]“I’m fine” Leo snarled, clutching his deck towards his chest. “But as for you, you’re going to pay for this; all of you are going to pay for this!” Leo roared, pointing across the crowd and then back at Roman.[/b]

[b]“But I jus…”[/b]

[b]“NO! You've done what you always do. You've ruined another life. Well I’m going to make sure I ruin yours.” Leo, furious as tears dripped down his face; ran towards the exit. Roman didn’t attempt to stop him. He had done the right thing. Why shouldn’t he have won the duel? He couldn’t exactly lose on purpose. [/b]

[b]What Roman didn’t know was that this duel would come back to haunt him.[/b]

[/spoiler]

[Agro]

Space out your paragraphs, it's a real eyesore to try to read.

[L0SS]

Thought I had. Will do!

[Agro]

Alright, I'll list my comments here:

1. It was a lot easier to read once you spaced out the paragraphs (I think), but the formatting is really off. You want to make sure that you don't have too many quotations in one paragraph, it just looks bad and sprawls all over the page. Don't put a quotation in the middle of the paragraph, it's awkward, and only works if you hardly have any conversation in your story. Which is impossible, because your characters have to talk. Now, you don't have to take my advice, but you should try to limit your quotations to maybe one or two per paragraph, and don't have more than one if it's a new person talking. We don't want to be confused as to who is who.

2. Speaking of that, I was concerned that I couldn't differentiate between the two characters. They were both being followed at times as if they were the main character. You should have more access to the main character's mind than others, since they are the ones being followed. So we should only learn about what Leo is planning through his looks, what he says, and what your main character thinks about him. Sentences where you follow a different character's thoughts can be confusing to readers.

3. Especially at this line:

[quote name='Tqne' timestamp='1314975734' post='5486503']
[b]Leo drew the one card he’d hoped he’d draw. The one card that would put this ‘champion’ out of his misery once and for all.[/b]
[/quote]
Do you see the problem with this line? You had stated previously that Leo was the one who had been king of games and, judging by the rest of the passage, Roman is not. So the line "put this 'champion' out of his misery' would be referring to Leo. Now I assume that you meant that he would bring himself out of the depths, but that's not how it's read. The term 'put out of his misery' does not mean heal him, it means kill him, finish him off, etc. So the fact that you're saying this means, Leo drew the card he needed to kill himself off. And look at him all excited about it! Sorry, I almost wrote a foe fiction here (but that's not my thing, so I saved you the time.)

4. I like Leo, I'm not sure if I'm supposed two, but I do. There are 2 reasons for that: A) He uses dragons, always a plus; you're too sympathetic too him as the narrator. If he's a bad guy, he should be treated as a bad guy. If he's a good guy, treat him as a good guy. What constitutes him being a bad guy you ask? Well what does the main character think about him? From your first paragraph, I'd say he isn't too fond of him. And from your description, he's kind of a jerk. But how you treat him is different than how you describe him and you treat him like... C) a main character. That's what he feels like because you take a few paragraphs and descriptions of his actions and ideology from his point of view. LET IT BE KNOWN: POV IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO PAY ATTENTION TO WHEN WRITING CHARACTERS! IT MAKES THEM HUMAN!

5. This is an awesome duel [s]between Yugi & Kaiba[/s], and I hope you work to improve it. I'll keep reading since I felt a little harsh with this review^^.

Here's a plate of cookies for the effort:
[img]http://www.myhomecooking.net/chocolate-chip-cookies/images/chocolate-chip-cookies.jpg[/img]

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

Like Aggro said, space out your paragraphs. Meaning all of them, there are still some really bulky blocks of text.

As for the content, well, we're left to assume a bit too much about the duelists, the scenario, et all. There was a little physical description of Roman, I don't think there was any for Leo. So we're thrown straight into a duel assumingly for a championship of some sort, there also seems to be a reference to Duel Academy by the jackets, but nothing more than that so I dunno if they are students and this is a school tourney or what. Guessing at things I don't really wish to be guessing at.

Duels. Don't tell us what the face downs are until you activate them, give us a little suspence and was one of the main deriding factors. It was all a bit bog-standard (yes you don't want to be using all your best moves first duel but still), a bit predictable, and a bit slow. You forgot to summon the second FHGD with Future Fusion, that would have been a good statement, but obviously would have been irrelevant in terms of outcome. As for Roman 'forgot' he'd set Magic Cylinder and then remembered at the last second, that's not really good. Leo forgot to use his dragon's effect too. How did these guys get into Ra and a championship match forgetting effects like this? Winning by reflect damage is rarely good, unless you're clinging on against a big undeafable bad (i.e. Akiza vs Misty from 5D's comes to mind). Using DM and BEWD is old-skool, perhaps overly so given how far the franchise has come, and how much they were involved in the anime (I know, says the guy who sold out to signer dragons in his own fic. Pot/Kettle remark, call it learning from experience).

As for what Aggro said, you start a new paragraph every time the speaker changes.

A: "Really?"

B: "Yes"

A: "Always?"

B: "Period."

To be honest there's nothing that would incline me to read more of this, but I hope you take the advice you're given and continue to develop your writing and your story. Good luck with it.

[Not-so-Radiant Arin]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][size=7]Going with Something Different: [color=#ff0000]Devil's Advocate's [/color]"Foe Fiction".[/size][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][size=7][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][size=4][color=#0000ff]Ahh, hello again, Dante. I see you have been pretty busy hosting the YCM Awards, so you haven't been around much.[/color][/size][/font][/size][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][size=7][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][size=4][color=#ff0000]Yea, that's right, Nero. I decided to take a break from the fan-fics for a while and do...other stuff.[/color][/size][/font][/size][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][size=7][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][size=4][color=#0000ff]Right. Finding good Foe-Fiction material is hard, isn't it?[/color][/size][/font][/size][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][size=7][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][size=4][color=#ff0000]Especially when all of the recent topics have just been updates.[/color][/size][/font][/size][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][size=7][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][size=4][color=#0000ff]Well, you're in luck. Today, I found this new Fan-Fiction that was posted today by a member calling himself "Tqne", and it is called Yugioh - End Game.[/color][/size][/font][/size][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][size=7][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][size=4][color=#ff0000]Oh, boy. I can already tell that this is going to be an eyesore to read. Hasn't this member ever heard of colons or dashes? And by the way, is the name "Tqne" significant in any way? Didn't think so.[/color][/size][/font][/size][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][size=7][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][size=4][color=#0000ff]...[/color][/size][/font][/size][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][size=7][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][size=4][color=#ff0000]Anyway, let's dive in, Nero.[/color][/size][/font][/size][/font]

[i][b][b]Yugioh – End Game[/b][/b][/i]

[i][b][b]Roman Carter stood motionless in his place. He could feel the open air flowing over his body; his long auburn hair was plastered across his head. Thousands of lights flashed in from the deep darkness that had swallowed him. He could hear the screams of lifeless spirits as they pounded against his head. Then he snapped out of it and opened his eyes. In front of him, thousands of eager spectators stood. The crowd was awash with blue, red, and yellow. Cameras flashed in synch every few seconds. The crowd was screaming. He loved it. It was a long time since he had duelled on such a scale. [/b][/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Okay...so what was the point of the very first few sentences? We've established that he is an obvious tripper who likes to travel between the Human World and the Spirit World, or wherever he was at.[/color]

[color=#0000ff]It could also be the fact that he was daydreaming. If that was the case, then that was a weird dream sequence. Also, "dueled" is spelled wrong.[/color]

[i][b]Roman activated his Duel disk and the crowd roared in anticipation.[/b][/i]

[color=#0000ff]Grammar Rule #347 or something like that: When you have two dependent clauses separated by [/color][color=#0000ff]a conjoining statement, that conjoining word must always be [/color][color=#0000ff]preceded with a comma. [/color][color=#0000ff]So the sentence should read "Roman activated his Duel Disk (comma), and the crowd roared in anticipation.[/color]

[i][b]Roman glanced at his opponent, one Leo Taido.[/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000]What is this? His name is "One Leo Taido"? Or is he saying that there was one "Leo Taido" that Roman was glancing at. This statement is so awkwardly constructed that I could just Demon Smash everything in sight.[/color]

[color=#0000ff]Ahem. That's my job, Dante.[/color]

[color=#ff0000]...Moving on.[/color]

[i][b]Leo had been King of Games for two years running, before totally losing it during a Duel and surrendering to his opponent. Now he was back to try and regain some of his reputation. Roman wouldn’t allow him that privilege. Roman placed his deck slowly into the Duel disk; it’s dome lit up in a flash of blue light, illuminating his face. He had donned his Ra yellow jacket. Roman had never moved up to Obelisk, citing that ‘Ra is the ultimate god, so Ra is the only place for me’. Besides, he wasn’t fond of the stuck up pricks in Obelisk any way. He drew his hand. “Lets start this thing”, he shouted enthusiastically.[/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Great, another DA story. And also, were you implying that the dome of the arena was flashing? I'm not even three paragraphs in and I'm already lost.[/color]

[color=#0000ff]So apparently, blue is a prick color. But yet, you forgot about all the cool things that the Obelisk Blue kids during the GX anime, what with saving the world and stuff.[/color]

[i][b]“Very well” Leo replied, as if giving permission. Roman surveyed his cards; and couldn’t have asked for more. As the Life Point counter floated obediently above his head he summoned ‘Breaker, the Magical Warrior’. [/b]
[b]“His effect, if you didn’t know, allows me to place a spell counter on him when he’s summoned; now, in other words.”[/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000]"Breaker the Magical Warrior" is probably one of the most popular DM cards of all time, so adding the phrase "if you didn't know" was probably unnecessary. Only Yu-Gi-Oh Fans read Yu-Gi-Oh Fan-Fics, and there is a good chance that those people "probably" know what "Breaker the Magical Warrior" is. And for those that don't, that is just sad.[/color]

[color=#0000ff]It's not sad. They just aren't card freaks, like you are. I have no idea what "Catapult Turtle" is.[/color]

[color=#ff0000]...............Where the hell is my sword? I'm wondering why I didn't kill you at the end of DMC4, Nero.[/color]

[color=#0000ff]Me neither, but let's get on with it, shall we? We promised that we wouldn't try to kill each other while we were reviewing Fan-Fiction.[/color]


[i][b]“Right then, my turn.” Leo flipped a card out of his hand and held it straight out in front of him with two fingers. “By sending three monsters in my hand to the graveyard, I can special summon Montage Dragon!”[/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wo-7HVBMZ3Y&feature=related[/color]

[color=#0000ff]Was that necessary? Sure it's "Montage Dragon", but adding a random Montage series is just a waste of time.[/color]

[i][b]“Not so fast! I activate Bottomless Trap Hole; so say bye to that little Dragon of yours.” The card flipped over and Montage Dragon dropped down into a bottomless pit. Leo clenched his fists and gritted his teeth. He had to win this; he couldn’t afford to lose. Losing this would destroy the little reputation he had left. Still, he couldn’t let it faze him. He had more tricks up his sleeve.[/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Wow, I was expecting something more. So far, there has been not one redeeming feature about his fan-fic that really grips me.[/color]

[color=#0000ff]Sheesh, you're harsh. Maybe it gets better within a few chapters, and if he decides to continue it, we'll read it along then, right?[/color]

[color=#ff0000]The sentence about the reputation confuses me, too. You told us, the audience, that he had lost all of his reputation because he had surrendered in a Duel, and now here, you are telling us that he has "a little reputation" left. This is just sad...[/color]

[i][b]“I can still normal summon a monster” Leo said, to himself as much as anyone. He set down a monster. “I’ll end it their.”[/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000].................[/color]

[color=#0000ff]What?[/color]

[color=#ff0000]Where the hell is my sword? Just look at the last sentence and tell me you don't see something that actually shows the intelligence of this writer.[/color]

[color=#0000ff]Oh yea. Hmm...commonly confused words. I'm pretty sure it was a mistake, but it should be "there".[/color]

[i][b]“Your sure as hell better be ready for this!” Roman exclaimed, letting this duel go to his head like he had when he won his first. He remembered it vividly. His father had gifted him with a simple starter deck, and after showing Roman the ropes, they dueled. His father’s deck, although not particularly good, should have easily beaten Roman’s. But Roman had taken victory in six turns. His father had told him that he was a destined champion, and Roman had gone around as if he was just that. His bossy and demanding attitude had gotten him beaten up a fair few times. The kids at school would tell him how he would never be a duel champion. But, to be fair to himself, he had gone on to be one. [/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000]What's going on here? Why is there a random flashback in the middle of the Duel? Plot tropes like this that randomly take place in the middle of a Duel are unnecessary and annoying. No one cares about the plot, just the action. It's just like Final Fantasy XIII.[/color]

[i][b]He returned his thoughts towards the Duel, and drew a card. It was Black Magician, a card virtually identical to Dark Magician but a hell of a lot more rare.[/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Unnecessary colloquialism is unnecessary.[/color]

[color=#0000ff]Settle down, Dante. I'm pretty sure he doesn't know what a "colloquialism" is. But he is right. Adding "but a hell of a lot more rare" takes away from the impact of the sentence, making it longer and more dull. Sharp, strong, short sentences are more effective than long, descriptive sentences with colloquialisms.[/color]

[i][b]“I play Magical Dimension; which, by tributing a card on my field let’s me summon a spell-caster from my hand.”[/b]
[b]“And which one would that be?” Leo asked with an intrigued expression.[/b]
[b]“Can you guess?”[/b][/i]

[color=#FF0000]Oh? Could it be the "Black Magician" that he conveniently top-decked which helps him out exactly in this situation just to increase the plot further?[/color]

[i][b]“Now would be a good time to activate an effect.”[/b]
[b]“What effect? You haven’t a card.” Roman was sure he couldn’t have.[/b]
[b]“Remember the set monster you sent to my graveyard? It was The White Stone of Legend.” Leo smirked as he placed Blue-Eyes White Dragon into his hand. Roman was furious, he had seen the card being sent to the graveyard, but had forgotten it’s effect. It allowed the user to add a Blue-Eyes White Dragon to their hand. Roman couldn’t let him summon it.[/b]
[b]“I’ll lay one card face down and end my turn.” Roman had lost most of his enthusiasm. He wasn’t thinking this through properly. He had to stop being so rash. He put a his hand through his hair, which was now a brown clump due to the beads of sweat dripping down his forehead. Leo couldn’t summon Blue-Eyes yet. It wasn’t so bad.[/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Actually, compared to the last Fan-Fic I reviewed, the dialogue actually makes sense to me and is correctly broken up. However, if you single-typed this in MS Word or some other processor, you will have to double-space it on here. It's called separation.[/color]

[color=#0000ff]Oh dear, not this schpiel again.....[/color]

[i][b]He closed his eyes and breathed slowly. Just let it happen, he told himself.[/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000]So...Roman is giving up again? This sounds like a generic Joey Wheeler, who surrenders at every possible moment because he has no faith within his Dueling abilities. One cliched character: Check.[/color]

[i][b]“Now Blue-Eyes attack this hopeless hero directly!” [/b][/i]

[color=#0000FF]Logically speaking, if he was a hero, he wouldn't be hopeless. Heroes are always fighting for something, and they often have more redeemable qualities than most other protagonists. This line doesn't make sense.[/color]

[i][b]Leo took the bait, forgetting that he could summon another monster due to ‘Metal Darkness Dragon’s’ effect, or simply not bothering to.[/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Yea, why didn't he? Everyone knows that Disaster Dragons rely on OTK abilities. Maybe because Roman was so close to the end that Leo figured it was just better to put him out of his misery.[/color]

[i][b]Leo drew the one card he’d hoped he’d draw. The one card that would put this ‘champion’ out of his misery once and for all. Leo casually threw it onto his duel disk. ‘Dragon’s Mirror’ lit up as it activated. “This allows me to fusion summon a monster by banishing it’s materials from the graveyard.” Leo said with an air of calmness. Everyone knew what was coming. The whole crowd gasped as five of Leo’s dragons glowed ceremoniously as ‘Five-Headed Dragon’ was warped onto the field in a spectacular frenzy of lights, dust and sound. The crowd cheered, people stood and clapped at the magnificence of the monster that stood before them. The scale of it was enough to strike fear into the most fearless duelists heart. It’s ATK and DEF at 5000 were some of the strongest in the game.[/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000]But if I am correct, for which I usually am, the effect of Future Fusion would have resolved during this turn, Fusion Summoning "Five-Headed Dragon" to the field. That would be one. Then, if he activated "Dragon's Mirror", he would Fusion Summon his 2nd "Five-Headed Dragon". If that was the plan, why bother Fusing the first when he knew he was going to win?[/color]

[i][b]Roman stood, speechless; Magical Cylinder still floating by his side. As the holograms faded, the crowd peered over the stands to try and see what had happened; it didn’t take them long to realise. Roman had drawn ‘Magical Cylinder’ but in his blindness, he hadn’t realised until the last moment that it was on the field. Luckily he had activated it just in time. It had sent Five-Head Dragon’s attack straight back at Leo, who was kneeling on the floor; his deck sprawled out beside him. [/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000]If Roman had "Magic Cylinder" waiting for this exact moment, then why did you say in the preceeding paragraph that it was hopeless to try and continue. Seriously, this story is so filled with contradictions that it makes my head hurt.[/color]

[color=#0000ff]Well, at least Leo got what was coming for him.[/color]

[i][b]Leo was broken inside. How could he have been so idiotic? [/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000]But weren't you the one picking the fight? Seriously this is more confusing than trying to figure out the plot to Final Fantasy XIII.[/color]

[i][b]“NO! You've done what you always do. You've ruined another life. Well I’m going to make sure I ruin yours.” Leo, furious as tears dripped down his face; ran towards the exit. Roman didn’t attempt to stop him. He had done the right thing. Why shouldn’t he have won the duel? He couldn’t exactly lose on purpose. [/b]
[b]What Roman didn’t know was that this duel would come back to haunt him.[/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000]And we are left with an unncessarily cliche ending where the main character feels regretful about winning on purpose. Do these characters have no self-esteem at all? Not even a heroic victory triumph pose or some other shenanigan that always take place when the good guys win? And what is with the dude's backstory? Right now, I'm not so sure if I want to continue reading this. Your plots are all jumpy, your paragraphs need to be spaced out, you need to spell check and improve on your grammar, and you need to work extremely hard on improving the dialogue. I was literally lost the whole time trying to figure out who was who in the Duel. Am I ranting here? Good, because this needs to get through to you.[/color]

[color=#0000ff]....Umm...I agree on everything that Dante said. I'm....uhh, gonna go rescue Kyrie now, if you don't mind, Dante.[/color]

[color=#ff0000]Yea, I suppose you should have your moment, too, Nero.[/color]

[Agro]

[quote name='Devil's Advocate' timestamp='1314992792' post='5487038']
[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][size=7]Going with Something Different: [color=#ff0000]Devil's Advocate's [/color]"Foe Fiction".[/size][/font]
[/quote]

I didn't laugh. At all. That wasn't all that funny. It corrected him, but Bahamut already did that, and it required a smaller word count.

And he activated Dragon's Mirror because having 2 FGD on the field is ridiculous, even if he forgot to bring the second one out.

Hey is there a Foe Fiction for Foe Fiction?

[Not-so-Radiant Arin]

[quote name='AggroDrago' timestamp='1315012342' post='5487800']

I didn't laugh. At all. That wasn't all that funny. It corrected him, but Bahamut already did that, and it required a smaller word count.

And he activated Dragon's Mirror because having 2 FGD on the field is ridiculous, even if he forgot to bring the second one out.

Hey is there a Foe Fiction for Foe Fiction?
[/quote]

Matt Ninja'd me. That tends to happen a lot. I should go back and make that clear. But to answer your question, I don't think there is anything stopping you from making something like that. Besides, I might discontinue this because I have way too much other crap on my hands. I've got two fan-fics I'm working on right now, this Foe-Fiction (it may very well just be Divinations at this point), the YCM awards, real life, and massive migraines that I have to deal with.

[Agro]

[quote name='Devil's Advocate' timestamp='1315016795' post='5487939']

Matt Ninja'd me. That tends to happen a lot. I should go back and make that clear. But to answer your question, I don't think there is anything stopping you from making something like that. Besides, I might discontinue this because I have way too much other crap on my hands. I've got two fan-fics I'm working on right now, this Foe-Fiction (it may very well just be Divinations at this point), the YCM awards, real life, and massive migraines that I have to deal with.
[/quote]
1. I don't have enough wit for Foe-ing a Foe Fiction, I was just wondering if anyone else had tried it.
2. You could have just listed 'Real Life'. That would have been enough for me.

[L0SS]

Thanks for the response everyone; it was quite overwhelming. Don't worry about harsh criticism; as I said, this is my first Fan-Fic and I have an annoying tendency to make infuriatingly incoherent sections of dialogue. I'll take everything on board and hopefully this will improve.