Going with Something different! Devil's Advocate's "Foe-Fiction"

[Not-so-Radiant Arin]

Decided to go with something different for a change. This foe-fiction, made by the wonderous Devil's Advocate, will feature some of the week's most embarassing, pathetic, and downright ridiculous stories that have ever come across the YCM Fan-Fic forum.

For the first story of the week, Dante diligently reviews Yugioh Fate of the Divided, made by the member known as "Divine Chaos".

[spoiler='Where the Hell is my sword? Episode 1, or whatever they're called nowadays...']

[size=7][font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif]Going Along with the Trend: "[color=#FF0000]Devil's Advocate's [/color]"Foe Fiction""[/font][/size]

[b][color=#FF0000][font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Today I, Dante, was browsing the Fan-Fic forum, looking for something to pass the time, when I stumbled upon the story "Yugioh Fate of the Divided". Already I could tell that there is going to be problems with this. Shouldn't there be a comma or an exclamation point somewhere in there? My thoughts exactly. Anyways, it seems that the writer is looking for a little bit of commenting on his story. Well then, let's delve right into it, shall we?[/font][/font][/color][/b]

[i]A light breeze swept across the streets and out over the fields of grass lining the roads of the small town. It was a cool wind, but not unpleasantly so. Even after the breeze had left, it still left the grass looking ruffled, as well as a certain teenager’s hair.[/i]

[color=#FF0000]Any more descriptive and I would have mistaken this as a western story, except with all of the grass and such. Next thing you know it, we'll be saddling up with our cowboy uniforms and riding off into the sun(rise?). Another prime example of butchering the "show, don't tell" clause.[/color]

[i]Hiroto Mochizuki lay propped against a tree, his head lolling to the side. [/i]

[color=#FF0000]I loled.[/color]

[i]He looked as though he had dozed off, except for his right eye, which he kept open the whole while.[/i]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][color=#FF0000]How is that even possible that this guy can sleep with one eye open? Is this a Gandalf impersonation from Lord of the Rings?[/color][/font][/font]

[i][font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Hiroto wasn’t quite what one would describe as fit. He was tall, but thin, and although, not scrawny, he was still a little on the wiry side. His attire consisted of merely a silver shirt embossed with a logo, a pair of blue jeans, and sneakers.[/font][/font][/i]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][color=#FF0000]And here is where being naturally descriptive is A+ for fan-fics. Although the grammar and punctuation in this sentence could use some work. The structure of the first sentence is so awkward, it was worse than the time I smacked a demon's head with a baseball bat into a china shop. There are lots of unnecessary commas in the second sentence, making it sort of run-on-ish, but you did a good job in conveying what the kid was wearing. By the way, you mentioned his hair in the first paragraph, but what color is it? (Obvious nitpicking)[/color][/font][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][i]He looked up at the sky, wondering how the weather would be. Then suddenly, he shook his head, as though the thought of such trivial matters offended him.[/i][/font][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][color=#FF0000]Haven't you ever seen the movie "The Day After Tomorrow"? You can never be too sure of the weather. It SNOWED in New York City. And why would it be trivial? It's not a big deal to him if he ends up ruining his favorite shirt because he was caught in a downpour which also washed away a tree trunk?[/color][/font][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][i]4 years ago, he had started a career as one of the youngest ever Pro Duelists. Now, he was no more than an average citizen.[/i][/font][/font]


[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][color=#FF0000]Wow, this guy was pro back in the day. How could someone who was in his prime back in the day become so naiive and uncaring? Plot Jump twists like this are what really drive readers and writers apart; it is your responsibility to show that to us.[/color][/font][/font]

[i][font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]“Bro!” a voice cried out.[/font][/font][/i]

[color=#FF0000]Because being called "Bro" is so formal.[/color]

[i]As Hiroto turned in the direction it had come from, a young boy of about 11 ran up to him, panting. “What’s up, Kyle?” Hiroto asked. Kyle held up a Deck of Duel Monsters cards.[/i]

[color=#FF0000]I'm pretty sure you meant to seperate the lines of dialogue here. If not, then I will pray to you during the night, my friend, in hopes of finding another writer who can put up with those kinds of mistakes.[/color]

[i]“I managed to finish that new deck,” he said, excitement evident on his face. Hiroto raised an eyebrow. “I take it your main deck isn’t complete?” Kyle shook his head. “Nah, I still don’t have several of the essential pieces. But that doesn’t matter; this deck should be enough to beat you.”[/i]

[color=#FF0000]Oh dear me. This is just..............wow. I have the sudden urge to be like Crab Helmet now. It's called seperation. Lots of couples do it, and lots of writers on the YCM forums should do it, too.[/color]

[i]He pulled out his Duel Disk and activated it. Hiroto ran a hand through his hair again, and then pulled his Disk on as well. Both Duelist slid their decks into the Deck slot and drew their opening hands. “I’ll let you go first,” Hiroto remarked.[/i]

[color=#FF0000]Okay, so now these two kids are dueling. Why exactly?[/color]

[color=#FF0000]Dueling isn't about who the people are or where the duel takes place. It's about WHY they are dueling. I have yet to see the reason why they are dueling at this point. Sure Kyle is testing his Deck, but is he going to be a major role in this story? Is he going to save mankind whilst building up his most powerful Deck in all of Duel Monsters? If not, you've wasted my time.[/color]

[i]“Well then, I’ll play Voltic Lancer in attack mode!” A warrior clad in armor embossed with a lightning symbol appeared on the field. He twirled his spear and slammed it into the ground while his stats flashed: 1700 ATK and 1500 DEF.[/i]

[color=#FF0000]So, were they wearing D-Gazers or something? The one paradox about the anime in dueling is that we, the audience, know about the monster's stats, but the characters in the anime do not do so. You ever thought about that?[/color]

[i]“I’ll also use this,” Kyle declared, as a card depicting an armored being bursting out of a bolt of lightning flipped onto the field. “Conflicting Spark! With this card, I can Special Summon a Level 3 or lower Thunder monster to the field. I choose Lightning Enforcer!” A new monster leapt to the field. This one wore armor similar to the earlier monster, but carried two medium sized shields instead of a weapon. Its stats were 1400 ATK and 1700 DEF.[/i]

[color=#FF0000]So it's clear that this duelist is using his own brand of custom cards. Where the hell are the links or the spoilers?[/color]

[i]“I’ll place this card face down and call it a turn.” Kyle finished. Hiroto drew a card. “Then I’ll start my turn with this, Mechanus Force-Assault Sniper in attack mode!” A humanoid robot appeared. It crouched and slung its large rifle over its shoulder and into a shooting position[/i][color=#FF0000].[/color]

[color=#FF0000]Oh god....where is my sword?[/color]

[i]Hiroto then held up another card. “I’ll also activate Hyper-sonic Warp! Thanks to this card, a Machine-type monster with 1500 ATK or less ATK can be played straight from my hand. So meet Flame Charger!” A metallic dragon with a prismatic red cube in its center flew onto the field. With its 1500 ATK, it was a little weak, but enough for what Hiroto had planned.[/i]

[color=#FF0000]Random paragraph break is random. If Hiroto was still commencing his move, why would you suddenly throw a paragraph break in there? And BTW, "Hyper-sonic Warp" is a broken card, because it allows for instant Synchro Summoning with Genex monsters.[/color]

[i]“When I have another Machine monster on the field, I can Special Summon my Andro Unit in attack mode.” Hiroto placed his third monster onto the Duel Disk. An android with the form of a young boy launched himself onto the battlefield and landed. 1000 ATK and 800 DEF came up next to him.[/i]

[i]“I will now tune my Flame Charger and Andro Unit,” Hiroto said, and the two monsters obliged, bringing forth a much stronger machine. As it landed on the field, Hiroto said, “Say hello to my Mechanus Force- Burnclaw!” The large robot before him wore futuristic armor with flame patterns and had long claws at the ends of its wrists. His stats were quite impressive for a Level 5: 2400 ATK and 2000 DEF.[/i]

[color=#FF0000]I wonder what this monster's effect is? Oh wait, there aren't any spoilers so I don't know. Guess there must be some drawback to this immensely powerful monster. Otherwise, I'm going with the impression that, it too, is broken. [/color]

[i]Now, both my monsters attack!” Burnclaw slashed at Lightning Enforcer, while Assault Sniper fired off multiple blasts at Voltic Lancer. The resulting explosions brought Kyle’s life points down a notch. (LP: 4000-1100=2900)[/i]

[color=#FF0000]And now, here is the obligatory math lesson.......[/color]

[i]Kyle drew his next card. A wide grin split his face. “All right, first off is this! The magic card Boltage Overload! While I control no monsters, I can special summon one Level 7 or 8 Light Attribute monster from my Deck. So prepare to meet a legend!” He raised his hand into the air as a bolt of lightning struck the ground, illuminating the large monster that slowly descended from the air.[/i]

[color=#FF0000]Oh, because that's not broken at all to suddenly Summon one of the most powerful monsters in this kid's Deck. By the way, why are these two dueling again? We haven't gotten to that point yet? Then, why should I continue to read this?[/color]

[i]The dragon was silvery-blue in color, with long white wings, curved talons, and two eyes of a bright green shade. Lightning flashed in its mouth, and it loosed a mighty roar as it came down next to Kyle. “This is Gigavolt Dominator!” Kyle exclaimed triumphantly. Hiroto gave a whistle. “Well, you sure don’t see stuff like that every day.”[/i]

[color=#FF0000]One arrogant Duelist in the bag. Hi, Jack Atlas! Also, seperation of lines of dialogue.[/color]

[i]Gigavolt Dominator had indeed become a legendary card. It was originally intended to be the cover card for a new pack, Sky-Rending Thunder, and therefore just a normal Ultimate/Ghost Rare. However, a strange glitch in the coding caused nearly all of the printed versions to not only have the wrong rarity scheme, but to also become incapable of functioning correctly on Duel Disks. Soon after complaints began to break out, Industrial Illusions got onto the scene and began to correct the issue. The few working editions that were released had their rarity changed to Secret and became nearly worth as much as cards like the Signer dragons.[/i]

[color=#FF0000]Was all this really necessary? Just say that it was an incredibly powerful dragon and get back to the Duel.[/color]

[i]“Gigavolt Dominator, attack his Assault Sniper!” Kyle ordered. The dragon obliged, sending a torrent of lightning toward the humanoid being, which exploded into flames. “His effect,” Kyle added, “inflicts damage to you equal to the destroyed monster’s defense points.” Hiroto winced as the blast hit him (LP: 4000-1500=2500)[/i]
[i]“It’s not over yet, because I use Diffusing Dimensions!” Suddenly Gigavolt Dominator turned transparent and split into half. “This card,” Kyle continued, “allows me to remove from play one monster on my side of the field and Special Summon monsters of the same attribute whose total levels equal that of the removed monster.”[/i]
[i]Hiroto smiled grimly. It was a good plan. The monster summoned by Boltage Overload would be destroyed in the End Phase. By removing it from play with another card, he could bypass the destruction and gain a new advantage.[/i]


[color=#FF0000]And here is one big paragraph.......[/color]





[color=#FF0000]SEPERATION![/color]

[i]“Come to the field, Thunder Imperial and Spark Fairy!” Kyle shouted. Two monsters dropped down from the sky. One was a large, muscular being with long translucent wings sprouting from his back, while the other was a small elfin like creature who flitted about. The larger had 2600 ATK and 2000 DEF; the smaller only displayed 1000 ATK and 500 DEF.[/i]

[i]“Since my Battle Phase isn’t over yet,” Kyle pointed at Hiroto, “bring him down a notch, guys!” Thunder Imperial pounded Burnclaw into the dust while Spark Fairy slammed Hiroto head on. As he was knocked to the ground, his life points took an even further dip. (LP: 2500-1200=1300)[/i]

[color=#FF0000]Oh no. It appears that our mystery Duelist is attempting an OTK. Where have I heard this before? Oh yea, Hi Jack Atlas![/color]

[i]So, thought Hiroto, [i]he’s going to bring back Gigavolt Dominator during my Battle Phase. A monster that can’t be destroyed by my Spell or Trap cards, it can also negate its destruction through a monster effect or by battle once per turn. A near impenetrable wall. But…[/i][/i]

[color=#FF0000]And finally, I figure what this near-indestructible monster can do. Congratulations on conveying your monster's effects so much. Now get back to work.[/color]

[i]“I activate my facedown card!” Hiroto said. “Emergency Fleet! When I control no monsters at the end of my opponent’s turn, I can Special Summon Machine Monsters equal to the number of monsters destroyed this turn! Therefore I summon Mechanus Force- Silver Blade and Mechanus Force- Blitz Striker.”[/i]
[i]The two appeared on the field, one swinging his laser blade with a flourish, the other taking several swings at the air. Attack points of 1800 and 1700 flashed next to them respectively.[/i]

[color=#FF0000]Wow, that's so descriptive. I really must commend you, person who I do not know, for being able to explain your monsters so in-depth and fluently. Also, you know I'm going to say it, so I'm not going to. But just in case you didn't get the hint the first thousand times: Seperation.[/color]

[i]Kyle grinned. “Even so, those won’t last you for more than one turn if you stick to defense.” Hiroto smiled as he drew a card. “You may be wrong.”[/i]

[i]“I will play my Spell card, Alternate Gateway! If I only control Level 4 or below monsters while my opponent has at least one Level 6 or higher, all monsters on my field can attack directly this turn.” Kyle’s face paled. “But that would mean…” He did the math for a moment. “Aw, man!”[/i]

[url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gENVB6tjq_M"][color=#FF0000]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gENVB6tjq_M[/color][/url]

[i]“That’s right. Both of my monsters attack you directly.” Hiroto pointed, and the two machines leapt through a portal and out in front of Kyle. Kyle backpedaled frantically. “But Thunder Imperial reduces all damage over one thousand to one thousand,” he protested, “so I won’t lose this turn.” The two monsters struck at him, leaving his life points at a low 900.[/i]

[i]“Blitz Striker’s effect activates. When Blitz Striker inflicts Battle Damage, by removing from play one Machine Type monster in my Graveyard, I can give you damage equal to that monster’s attack points. The card I choose is Andro Unit!” Hiroto held up the card. At the same time, Blitz Striker drew back his arm and threw an uppercut at Kyle, knocking him flying. As he hit the ground, his life points dropped to 0.[/i]

[color=#FF0000]That's it? It's over? What did I miss?[/color]

[i]Kyle got to his feet with a bit of a pout on his face. “I guess I can’t beat you without my main deck after all.” Hiroto shrugged. “You still managed to put up quite a fight, so no problem. I’m looking forward to seeing your real deck.” Kyle nodded. “You won’t be disappointed.”[/i]

[color=#FF0000]I'm......somewhat........glad that the Duel ended up the way it did. Still, it doesn't explain why Kyle wanted to Duel in the first place.[/color]

[i]After Kyle ran off, Hiroto looked up at the sky again. This time, he noticed some dark clouds edging toward the area. “Looks like we’re in for some rain,” he remarked to no one in particular and began to walk off toward the card shop, wondering what he might find there today.[/i]

[color=#FF0000]And this is the same guy that said he didn't care about what the weather was going to turn out to be! [/color]

[i]At the same time…[/i]

[color=#FF0000]Oh goody, an obvious and completely worthless time skip.[/color]

[color=#FF0000][color=#FF0000]Where the hell is my sword?[/color][/color]

[color=#000000][i]Two people stood in front of the main headquarters of Sector Security. The one on the left, who was garbed in a long black cloak, threw back her hood to expose her long golden hair. “Can I have a little fun this time?” she asked her companion. “It’s really not enjoyable if no one suffers…” She lingered on the word, as if relishing it and its meaning.[/i][/color]

[i]The boy next to her wore a long blue shirt with the collar up and black jeans. He seemed rather bored, whether with the whole world or something else was indistinguishable. He shrugged. “Don’t go overboard this time, Dlaecia. Your abilities tend to attract more trouble than you’re worth.”[/i]

[i]Dlaecia glowered at him. “I’m seriously considering killing you first, Reiji.” Reiji looked indifferent. “Let’s go.” He headed off toward the building. Dlaecia followed moments later. Overhead, as if in warning of a malevolent force, a thunderbolt flashed through the sky.[/i]

[color=#FF0000]Wow, this girl sure is punk, huh? But then again, she is totally worthless if I don't know what position she is going to play in the next few chapters.[/color]

[color=#FF0000]And, oh look, there seems to be a glossary at the end of the Chapter for all of the dimwit fans who don't know what Duel Monsters is. Seriously, is this a rendition of Final Fantasy, where you are given new information on an enemy every time you kill it, or every time you pick up a new item? So then, the overall objective of the story is too not give an absolute care about the actual plot itself, and just read through to the end and read the glossary, thinking that all the dimwit numbskulls out there think that there is something special to gain at the end, like cookies or a ticket to Heaven.[/color]

[color=#FF0000][b]Overall, this was painful to look at, and even more painful to read. I almost wanted to chop my computer into confetti ever since I read the first paragraph of this story. It is obviously clear that you are (pretty) good at Grammar and keeping the pace of the story, but everything else just completely fell out from the sky and was really not worth it.[/b][/color]

[color=#FF0000][b]Next time, Nero and I shall both review one story side-by-side.[/b][/color]
[/spoiler]

[Divine Chaos]

oh, gee. Way to make fun of me, and in public too, I might add. Give the man a round of heartfelt applause!!!
But good use of my casually made and pathetic chapter as a start. Wonder what you'll do for next week.

[Not-so-Radiant Arin]

[quote name='Divine Chaos' timestamp='1314821242' post='5481965']
oh, gee. Way to make fun of me, and in public too, I might add. Give the man a round of heartfelt applause!!!
But good use of my casually made and pathetic chapter as a start. Wonder what you'll do for next week.
[/quote]

Was that supposed to be witty? Or did you forget the /sarcasm tag?

You certainly won't be the first person to have a bad review. Trust me, I have seen much, MUCH worse.

[Super Chaos Sonic]

Another review thread....sweet ^^

You, Roxas, Crab, and DL/A20....the only threads I'll read from time to time....mainly to get a laugh out of something.

[Not-so-Radiant Arin]

[quote name='Chaos Sonic' timestamp='1314822515' post='5481998']
Another review thread....sweet ^^

You, Roxas, Crab, and DL/A20....the only threads I'll read from time to time....mainly to get a laugh out of something.
[/quote]

I might be updating this a lot more often than Roxas or Crab's Divination/Foe-Fiction, simply because these stories are too good to pass up. I mean, umm.....never mind.

Anyways, I'm managing TWO topics now: my original fan-fic, which I still haven't decided if I am going to continue or not, and this Foe-Fiction.

[Super Chaos Sonic]

Well I'm interested in what you'll review next.

[Divine Chaos]

Well, at least I know what needs improvement in my fic. I guess I'll use that to make my next chapter improve, if anyone will read it again after this, that is. Either way, thanks for commenting and helping me out, Devil's Advocate! I'm serious.

[Catterjune]

[quote]Another prime example of butchering the "show, don't tell" clause.[/quote]

... How so? I mean, butchering "show don't tell" would be something like "it was an average spring day" and leaving it at that. Here he tried an attempt at painting the scene for us, at least a little.

[quote]And here is where being naturally descriptive is A+ for fan-fics.[/quote]
Actually that description was really terrible, or at least the way it was dropped in was. I mentioned this in some other topic but the most natural way a description could pop up would be organically, like... as he's doing stuff. He runs a hand through his hair, what colour is his hair? He's looking at the scenery. What colour are his eyes. He gets up and tries to dust off his clothes from possible dirt or grass. What is he wearing?

So something like "he ran a hand through his dark brown hair as his bright blue eyes surveyed the area. Getting his fill of scenery, he got up and after quickly dusting off his blue jeans and red jacket, made his way towards -blank-" as opposed to "He had dark brown hair. He had bright blue eyes. He had blue jeans. He had a red jacket."

[quote]So it's clear that this duelist is using his own brand of custom cards. Where the hell are the links or the spoilers?[/quote]
Meh, I was always under the impression that the "good" writers were the ones who wrote out stuff like the anime "Lol! But my monster has another effect! *makes up random contrivied bs that helps this very specific scenario*" And the "bad" writers were the ones who had the cards all ready and wrote out their effects, thus making it obvious how the duel went.

[quote]BTW, "Hyper-sonic Warp" is a broken card, because it allows for instant Synchro Summoning with Genex monsters.[/quote]
Do you not play the game or something? It's significantly worse then Double Summon.

[Synchronized]

I'm gonna be honest and say I find it kind of ironic that you trashed my review of your own story, which had far less criticism than your own, yet you proceed to do it here. While his story definitely has a lot it needs to improve on, you were really harsh in some spots, which is the same thing you called me out on for yours. :/

[Not-so-Radiant Arin]

[quote]... How so? I mean, butchering "show don't tell" would be something like "it was an average spring day" and leaving it at that. Here he tried an attempt at painting the scene for us, at least a little.[/quote]

I felt it was overdone. There is such a thing as being too detailed (I had to find that out the hard way), and, on one hand while it did set the tone of the scene, on the other, I almost thought a tumbleweed as going to show up at the character's feet.

[quote]
Actually that description was really terrible, or at least the way it was dropped in was. I mentioned this in some other topic but the most natural way a description could pop up would be organically, like... as he's doing stuff. He runs a hand through his hair, what colour is his hair? He's looking at the scenery. What colour are his eyes. He gets up and tries to dust off his clothes from possible dirt or grass. What is he wearing?

So something like "he ran a hand through his dark brown hair as his bright blue eyes surveyed the area. Getting his fill of scenery, he got up and after quickly dusting off his blue jeans and red jacket, made his way towards -blank-" as opposed to "He had dark brown hair. He had bright blue eyes. He had blue jeans. He had a red jacket."[/quote]

Damn it, I keep forgetting my sarcasm tags. What is wrong with me today....

[quote]Meh, I was always under the impression that the "good" writers were the ones who wrote out stuff like the anime "Lol! But my monster has another effect! *makes up random contrivied bs that helps this very specific scenario*" And the "bad" writers were the ones who had the cards all ready and wrote out their effects, thus making it obvious how the duel went.[/quote]

But the writer failed to tell us the effects of his monsters. I did not know what kind of effect "Gigavolt Dragon" or whatever it was had, until the writer suddenly said, "oh, it can't be destroyed by Spells or Traps." Naturally, I thought the monsters that were Summoned by Emergency Fleet were vanillas, until the duelist said that "During the Battle Phase, I can blah blah blah...". It was really quite annoying.

[quote]I'm gonna be honest and say I find it kind of ironic that you trashed my review of your own story, which had far less criticism than your own, yet you proceed to do it here. While his story definitely has a lot it needs to improve on, you were really harsh in some spots, which is the same thing you called me out on for yours. :/[/quote]

You said you were in a bad mood that day. Being a reviewer in this section means taking apart someone's work piece-by-piece and examing every aspect of it, not just what is appealing. And besides, I already said it was alright.

[quote]Do you not play the game or something? It's significantly worse then Double Summon.[/quote]

Umm.....is this necessary? If so, I play on DN ocassionally, but I use a Deck that far outclasses Genex monsters. I was simply under the impression that since most Genex monsters have less than 1500 ATK, they are easy targets for this Spell. Doesn't mean its better or worse...

[Synchronized]

Oh no, I completely understand that. I was, my kind of thing is moreso different than that.

What I meant was, I don't think his story's too bad at all. I pointed out a lot of the issues in the thread, too, I just felt it was a bit harsh is all ^^;

[IceDorago]

Honestly, at some points, I felt you may have been a bit harsh with the story. But, anyways, good review, and I hope to see more of these soon.

[Not-so-Radiant Arin]

Alright, here is Episode 2, for those that are actually interesting in these kinds of things.

[spoiler='Nero's Big Break? Not exactly. Episode 2']

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][size=7]Going with Something Different: [color=#ff0000]Devil's Advocate's [/color]"Foe Fiction".[/size][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][size=7][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][size=4][color=#0000ff]Ahh, hello again, Dante. I see you have been pretty busy hosting the YCM Awards, so you haven't been around much.[/color][/size][/font][/size][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][size=7][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][size=4][color=#ff0000]Yea, that's right, Nero. I decided to take a break from the fan-fics for a while and do...other stuff.[/color][/size][/font][/size][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][size=7][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][size=4][color=#0000ff]Right. Finding good Foe-Fiction material is hard, isn't it?[/color][/size][/font][/size][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][size=7][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][size=4][color=#ff0000]Especially when all of the recent topics have just been updates.[/color][/size][/font][/size][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][size=7][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][size=4][color=#0000ff]Well, you're in luck. Today, I found this new Fan-Fiction that was posted today by a member calling himself "Tqne", and it is called Yugioh - End Game.[/color][/size][/font][/size][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][size=7][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][size=4][color=#ff0000]Oh, boy. I can already tell that this is going to be an eyesore to read. Hasn't this member ever heard of colons or dashes? And by the way, is the name "Tqne" significant in any way? Didn't think so.[/color][/size][/font][/size][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][size=7][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][size=4][color=#0000ff]...[/color][/size][/font][/size][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][size=7][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][size=4][color=#ff0000]Anyway, let's dive in, Nero.[/color][/size][/font][/size][/font]

[i][b][b]Yugioh – End Game[/b][/b][/i]

[i][b][b]Roman Carter stood motionless in his place. He could feel the open air flowing over his body; his long auburn hair was plastered across his head. Thousands of lights flashed in from the deep darkness that had swallowed him. He could hear the screams of lifeless spirits as they pounded against his head. Then he snapped out of it and opened his eyes. In front of him, thousands of eager spectators stood. The crowd was awash with blue, red, and yellow. Cameras flashed in synch every few seconds. The crowd was screaming. He loved it. It was a long time since he had duelled on such a scale. [/b][/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Okay...so what was the point of the very first few sentences? We've established that he is an obvious tripper who likes to travel between the Human World and the Spirit World, or wherever he was at.[/color]

[color=#0000ff]It could also be the fact that he was daydreaming. If that was the case, then that was a weird dream sequence. Also, "dueled" is spelled wrong.[/color]

[i][b]Roman activated his Duel disk and the crowd roared in anticipation.[/b][/i]

[color=#0000ff]Grammar Rule #347 or something like that: When you have two dependent clauses separated by [/color][color=#0000ff]a conjoining statement, that conjoining word must always be [/color][color=#0000ff]preceded with a comma. [/color][color=#0000ff]So the sentence should read "Roman activated his Duel Disk (comma), and the crowd roared in anticipation.[/color]

[i][b]Roman glanced at his opponent, one Leo Taido.[/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000]What is this? His name is "One Leo Taido"? Or is he saying that there was one "Leo Taido" that Roman was glancing at. This statement is so awkwardly constructed that I could just Demon Smash everything in sight.[/color]

[color=#0000ff]Ahem. That's my job, Dante.[/color]

[color=#ff0000]...Moving on.[/color]

[i][b]Leo had been King of Games for two years running, before totally losing it during a Duel and surrendering to his opponent. Now he was back to try and regain some of his reputation. Roman wouldn’t allow him that privilege. Roman placed his deck slowly into the Duel disk; it’s dome lit up in a flash of blue light, illuminating his face. He had donned his Ra yellow jacket. Roman had never moved up to Obelisk, citing that ‘Ra is the ultimate god, so Ra is the only place for me’. Besides, he wasn’t fond of the stuck up pricks in Obelisk any way. He drew his hand. “Lets start this thing”, he shouted enthusiastically.[/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Great, another DA story. And also, were you implying that the dome of the arena was flashing? I'm not even three paragraphs in and I'm already lost.[/color]

[color=#0000ff]So apparently, blue is a prick color. But yet, you forgot about all the cool things that the Obelisk Blue kids during the GX anime, what with saving the world and stuff.[/color]

[i][b]“Very well” Leo replied, as if giving permission. Roman surveyed his cards; and couldn’t have asked for more. As the Life Point counter floated obediently above his head he summoned ‘Breaker, the Magical Warrior’. [/b][/i]
[i][b]“His effect, if you didn’t know, allows me to place a spell counter on him when he’s summoned; now, in other words.”[/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000]"Breaker the Magical Warrior" is probably one of the most popular DM cards of all time, so adding the phrase "if you didn't know" was probably unnecessary. Only Yu-Gi-Oh Fans read Yu-Gi-Oh Fan-Fics, and there is a good chance that those people "probably" know what "Breaker the Magical Warrior" is. And for those that don't, that is just sad.[/color]

[color=#0000ff]It's not sad. They just aren't card freaks, like you are. I have no idea what "Catapult Turtle" is.[/color]

[color=#ff0000]...............Where the hell is my sword? I'm wondering why I didn't kill you at the end of DMC4, Nero.[/color]

[color=#0000ff]Me neither, but let's get on with it, shall we? We promised that we wouldn't try to kill each other while we were reviewing Fan-Fiction.[/color]


[i][b]“Right then, my turn.” Leo flipped a card out of his hand and held it straight out in front of him with two fingers. “By sending three monsters in my hand to the graveyard, I can special summon Montage Dragon!”[/b][/i]



[color=#0000ff]Was that necessary? Sure it's "Montage Dragon", but adding a random Montage series is just a waste of time.[/color]

[i][b]“Not so fast! I activate Bottomless Trap Hole; so say bye to that little Dragon of yours.” The card flipped over and Montage Dragon dropped down into a bottomless pit. Leo clenched his fists and gritted his teeth. He had to win this; he couldn’t afford to lose. Losing this would destroy the little reputation he had left. Still, he couldn’t let it faze him. He had more tricks up his sleeve.[/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Wow, I was expecting something more. So far, there has been not one redeeming feature about his fan-fic that really grips me.[/color]

[color=#0000ff]Sheesh, you're harsh. Maybe it gets better within a few chapters, and if he decides to continue it, we'll read it along then, right?[/color]

[color=#ff0000]The sentence about the reputation confuses me, too. You told us, the audience, that he had lost all of his reputation because he had surrendered in a Duel, and now here, you are telling us that he has "a little reputation" left. This is just sad...[/color]

[i][b]“I can still normal summon a monster” Leo said, to himself as much as anyone. He set down a monster. “I’ll end it their.”[/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000].................[/color]

[color=#0000ff]What?[/color]

[color=#ff0000]Where the hell is my sword? Just look at the last sentence and tell me you don't see something that actually shows the intelligence of this writer.[/color]

[color=#0000ff]Oh yea. Hmm...commonly confused words. I'm pretty sure it was a mistake, but it should be "there".[/color]

[i][b]“Your sure as hell better be ready for this!” Roman exclaimed, letting this duel go to his head like he had when he won his first. He remembered it vividly. His father had gifted him with a simple starter deck, and after showing Roman the ropes, they dueled. His father’s deck, although not particularly good, should have easily beaten Roman’s. But Roman had taken victory in six turns. His father had told him that he was a destined champion, and Roman had gone around as if he was just that. His bossy and demanding attitude had gotten him beaten up a fair few times. The kids at school would tell him how he would never be a duel champion. But, to be fair to himself, he had gone on to be one. [/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000]What's going on here? Why is there a random flashback in the middle of the Duel? Plot tropes like this that randomly take place in the middle of a Duel are unnecessary and annoying. No one cares about the plot, just the action. It's just like Final Fantasy XIII.[/color]

[i][b]He returned his thoughts towards the Duel, and drew a card. It was Black Magician, a card virtually identical to Dark Magician but a hell of a lot more rare.[/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Unnecessary colloquialism is unnecessary.[/color]

[color=#0000ff]Settle down, Dante. I'm pretty sure he doesn't know what a "colloquialism" is. But he is right. Adding "but a hell of a lot more rare" takes away from the impact of the sentence, making it longer and more dull. Sharp, strong, short sentences are more effective than long, descriptive sentences with colloquialisms.[/color]

[i][b]“I play Magical Dimension; which, by tributing a card on my field let’s me summon a spell-caster from my hand.”[/b][/i]
[i][b]“And which one would that be?” Leo asked with an intrigued expression.[/b][/i]
[i][b]“Can you guess?”[/b][/i]

[color=#FF0000]Oh? Could it be the "Black Magician" that he conveniently top-decked which helps him out exactly in this situation just to increase the plot further?[/color]

[i][b]“Now would be a good time to activate an effect.”[/b][/i]
[i][b]“What effect? You haven’t a card.” Roman was sure he couldn’t have.[/b][/i]
[i][b]“Remember the set monster you sent to my graveyard? It was The White Stone of Legend.” Leo smirked as he placed Blue-Eyes White Dragon into his hand. Roman was furious, he had seen the card being sent to the graveyard, but had forgotten it’s effect. It allowed the user to add a Blue-Eyes White Dragon to their hand. Roman couldn’t let him summon it.[/b][/i]
[i][b]“I’ll lay one card face down and end my turn.” Roman had lost most of his enthusiasm. He wasn’t thinking this through properly. He had to stop being so rash. He put a his hand through his hair, which was now a brown clump due to the beads of sweat dripping down his forehead. Leo couldn’t summon Blue-Eyes yet. It wasn’t so bad.[/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Actually, compared to the last Fan-Fic I reviewed, the dialogue actually makes sense to me and is correctly broken up. However, if you single-typed this in MS Word or some other processor, you will have to double-space it on here. It's called separation.[/color]

[color=#0000ff]Oh dear, not this schpiel again.....[/color]

[i][b]He closed his eyes and breathed slowly. Just let it happen, he told himself.[/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000]So...Roman is giving up again? This sounds like a generic Joey Wheeler, who surrenders at every possible moment because he has no faith within his Dueling abilities. One cliched character: Check.[/color]

[i][b]“Now Blue-Eyes attack this hopeless hero directly!” [/b][/i]

[color=#0000FF]Logically speaking, if he was a hero, he wouldn't be hopeless. Heroes are always fighting for something, and they often have more redeemable qualities than most other protagonists. This line doesn't make sense.[/color]

[i][b]Leo took the bait, forgetting that he could summon another monster due to ‘Metal Darkness Dragon’s’ effect, or simply not bothering to.[/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000]Yea, why didn't he? Everyone knows that Disaster Dragons rely on OTK abilities. Maybe because Roman was so close to the end that Leo figured it was just better to put him out of his misery.[/color]

[i][b]Leo drew the one card he’d hoped he’d draw. The one card that would put this ‘champion’ out of his misery once and for all. Leo casually threw it onto his duel disk. ‘Dragon’s Mirror’ lit up as it activated. “This allows me to fusion summon a monster by banishing it’s materials from the graveyard.” Leo said with an air of calmness. Everyone knew what was coming. The whole crowd gasped as five of Leo’s dragons glowed ceremoniously as ‘Five-Headed Dragon’ was warped onto the field in a spectacular frenzy of lights, dust and sound. The crowd cheered, people stood and clapped at the magnificence of the monster that stood before them. The scale of it was enough to strike fear into the most fearless duelists heart. It’s ATK and DEF at 5000 were some of the strongest in the game.[/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000]But if I am correct, for which I usually am, the effect of Future Fusion would have resolved during this turn, Fusion Summoning "Five-Headed Dragon" to the field. That would be one. Then, if he activated "Dragon's Mirror", he would Fusion Summon his 2nd "Five-Headed Dragon". If that was the plan, why bother Fusing the first when he knew he was going to win?[/color]

[i][b]Roman stood, speechless; Magical Cylinder still floating by his side. As the holograms faded, the crowd peered over the stands to try and see what had happened; it didn’t take them long to realise. Roman had drawn ‘Magical Cylinder’ but in his blindness, he hadn’t realised until the last moment that it was on the field. Luckily he had activated it just in time. It had sent Five-Head Dragon’s attack straight back at Leo, who was kneeling on the floor; his deck sprawled out beside him. [/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000]If Roman had "Magic Cylinder" waiting for this exact moment, then why did you say in the preceding paragraph that it was hopeless to try and continue. Seriously, this story is so filled with contradictions that it makes my head hurt.[/color]

[color=#0000ff]Well, at least Leo got what was coming for him.[/color]

[i][b]Leo was broken inside. How could he have been so idiotic? [/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000]But weren't you the one picking the fight? Seriously this is more confusing than trying to figure out the plot to Final Fantasy XIII.[/color]

[i][b]“NO! You've done what you always do. You've ruined another life. Well I’m going to make sure I ruin yours.” Leo, furious as tears dripped down his face; ran towards the exit. Roman didn’t attempt to stop him. He had done the right thing. Why shouldn’t he have won the duel? He couldn’t exactly lose on purpose. [/b][/i]
[i][b]What Roman didn’t know was that this duel would come back to haunt him.[/b][/i]

[color=#ff0000]And we are left with an unnecessarily cliche ending where the main character feels regretful about winning on purpose. Do these characters have no self-esteem at all? Not even a heroic victory triumph pose or some other shenanigan that always take place when the good guys win? And what is with the dude's back story? Right now, I'm not so sure if I want to continue reading this. Your plots are all jumpy, your paragraphs need to be spaced out, you need to spell check and improve on your grammar, and you need to work extremely hard on improving the dialogue. I was literally lost the whole time trying to figure out who was who in the Duel. Am I ranting here? Good, because this needs to get through to you.[/color]

[color=#0000ff]....Umm...I agree on everything that Dante said. I'm....uhh, gonna go rescue Kyrie now, if you don't mind, Dante.[/color]

[color=#ff0000]Yea, I suppose you should have your moment, too, Nero.[/color]

[/spoiler]

[Catterjune]

[quote]Umm.....is this necessary? If so, I play on DN ocassionally, but I use a Deck that far outclasses Genex monsters. I was simply under the impression that since most Genex monsters have less than 1500 ATK, they are easy targets for this Spell. Doesn't mean its better or worse... [/quote]
You said Hyper Sonic Warp was broken because it can allowed a quick Synchro Summon for Genex, when cards with similar and less restrictive effects exist and are in no way broken.

If you don't know what you're talking about, don't bother mentioning it.


Anyway, there's a fine line between reviewing a work and being a heckler. The first one is like Roger Ebert or any of those other people who's opinion matters when calculating whatever on Rotten Tomatoes, while the other is more like some racist stereotype yelling things out at the screen while watching a movie.

This topic is more like the second.

[Dr. Cakey]

Were there chunks missing from that chapter, or what?

[Not-so-Radiant Arin]

[quote name='機皇神龍アステリスク' timestamp='1315001822' post='5487466']
Were there chunks missing from that chapter, or what?
[/quote]

A little bit, yea. But not much, though.

[quote name='PikaPerson01' timestamp='1314995398' post='5487132']

The first one is like Roger Ebert or any of those other people who's opinion matters when calculating whatever on Rotten Tomatoes, while the other is more like some racist stereotype yelling things out at the screen while watching a movie.

This topic is more like the second.
[/quote]

I wouldn't call myself a heckler in any way. And I most certainly would NEVER consider myself a racist stereotype. I have too much esteem to stoop down to that level. I review a work to its fullest and try to give suggestions as to how to improve it. But sometimes, something that is completely idiotic and out-of-place has to be pointed out. That's simply my method of reviewing works.

[Dr. Cakey]

So Leo's set White Stone of Legend magically disappearing, Blue-Eyes apparently being special summoned and attacking directly, Future Fusion being played, and probably one or two other things not being there is "not much"?

[Agro]

WSoL was destroyed by the Magical Dimension (or the Magician's attack idr exactly); FuFu dumped REDMD, which was Monster Reborned; REDMD brought out Blue Eyes. There might have been a bit more.

[Not-so-Radiant Arin]

[quote name='AggroDrago' timestamp='1315012811' post='5487821']
WSoL was destroyed by the Magical Dimension (or the Magician's attack idr exactly); FuFu dumped REDMD, which was Monster Reborned; REDMD brought out Blue Eyes. There might have been a bit more.
[/quote]

This. It was a pain trying to read and understand the duel due to the lack of dialogue and who played what.

[Agro]

[quote name='Devil's Advocate' timestamp='1315016439' post='5487930']

This. It was a pain trying to read and understand the duel due to the lack of dialogue and who played what.
[/quote]
You should probably put in there during the review that you were skipping ahead and give a quick summary of what happened so we don't have to read it. Would help to avoid confusion in the future.

[Dr. Cakey]

So, in summary, dull story, crappy duel, crappy review?

Sounds like one of my reviews.

[Catterjune]

[quote name='Devil's Advocate' timestamp='1315002317' post='5487487']
I wouldn't call myself a heckler in any way. And I most certainly would NEVER consider myself a racist stereotype. I have too much esteem to stoop down to that level. I review a work to its fullest and try to give suggestions as to how to improve it. But sometimes, something that is completely idiotic and out-of-place has to be pointed out. That's simply my method of reviewing works.
[/quote]
Oh... you lack basic reading comprehension. =|

That's okay, so do I. But I don't have a Mystery Science Theater ripoff thing, so lacking reading comprehension isn't so much a bad thing for me.

[Dr. Cakey]

[quote name='PikaPerson01' timestamp='1315050606' post='5488679']
That's okay, so do I. But I don't have a Mystery Science Theater ripoff thing, so lacking reading comprehension isn't so much a bad thing for me.
[/quote]
Well, you should.

[Crystal Remnants]

Oh hey, another review topic. Great. Because there aren't already plenty of those these days. It's not even original though. It's pretty much a worse version of DL/A20's "Riffview," which isn't that great to begin with.

Plus, your 1st review was pretty bad, and your commentary shows that your literary analysis skills are just based off of basic rules for writing that you regurgitate onto the works of amateur writers. I mean really, "Show, don't tell?" If I had a nickel for every time I've read that in a comment or review, well, I'd have a lot of nickels, as well as a bunch of reviewers who can't give any helpful advice. Especially when the writer did a fine job of showing. Sure, they could've written it better, but their use of description was fine.

Overall, I'm not impressed, and won't be coming back.