Agro Posted October 18, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 18, 2011 [quote name='Bahamut ZERO' timestamp='1318964760' post='5586513'] So I finally got round to reading this, or the first chapter anyway. It's different... yet cliche at the same time, which is weird. It's good to have a lead character with mystery, suddenly much more interesting, but its feels like kind of the same old mystery in that duelist bursts onto scene to immediate success, is involved in something controversial, then disappears again. Dunno why, but I can just see this guy having a long travelling scarf. Which is random. Some of the paragraphs were much shorter than they needed to be but that's okay, since most other people go the other way and don't space properly. So it was easy to read. The language used was pretty nice and made it a lot more atmospheric than most opening chapters on here in not a dark way, but a cloudy grey sort of way, like like rainfall before a big storm. (That's supposed to be an analogy for it being good there). Leel's character seems less cliche; the boy pushed around by ambitious parents who has to do what they want him to do is a decent starting place for someone in his role. Overall an intriguing start and I will give this more consideration when I'm on my break in a few days. [/quote] Thanks for finally coming around Bahamut. It appears that the constructive criticism is beginning to thin out with each review I read. I'm assuming that's a good thing. (don't know how it can be bad) Chapter 9 will be up sometime today. Idk if I'll have one up for you next week, but If I don't I'll do what I can to get you 2 the week after. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Divine Chaos Posted October 18, 2011 Report Share Posted October 18, 2011 You have not finished with it yet? Dat ish unacceptable. Joking aside, i'm very interested to see how Everett ends to in the future. Knocking him down a few pegs would be a definite point to start, but I get a feeling that he's got quite a bit to give for backstory. Maybe that's just me though. Apart from him, I'm also curious to know more for Leland as well. We got some of the dirt on him, but I wonder: what else is hiding under the surface? The story is still sound as ever, with a touch of new to it and something that makes you think "where have i seen this before?" Either way, keep up the work, man. I'll be rooting here for ya. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agro Posted October 18, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 18, 2011 [quote name='Divine Chaos' timestamp='1318974775' post='5586868'] You have not finished with it yet? Dat ish unacceptable. Joking aside, i'm very interested to see how Everett ends to in the future. Knocking him down a few pegs would be a definite point to start, but I get a feeling that he's got quite a bit to give for backstory. Maybe that's just me though. Apart from him, I'm also curious to know more for Leland as well. We got some of the dirt on him, but I wonder: what else is hiding under the surface? The story is still sound as ever, with a touch of new to it and something that makes you think "where have i seen this before?" Either way, keep up the work, man. I'll be rooting here for ya. [/quote] I was finished with it Friday, but I edit it a lot and hold it over until Tuesdays, which is when I plan to release new chapters each week. Backstory. Don't judge people without it. Chapter 9 will be up within an hour or two if I don't get sidetracked somehow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Synchronized Posted October 18, 2011 Report Share Posted October 18, 2011 I'll be sure to check out 9; I'm actually intrigued to see the duel. And oh yeah, I do have a Fic, too, that [i]someone[/i] said they'd take a look at. <()> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agro Posted October 18, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 18, 2011 [quote name='Star' timestamp='1318979466' post='5587083'] I'll be sure to check out 9; I'm actually intrigued to see the duel. And oh yeah, I do have a Fic, too, that [i]someone[/i] said they'd take a look at. <( )> [/quote] That person is probably just busy and would get around to it if [i]someone[/i] stopped nagging. <()> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Divine Chaos Posted October 18, 2011 Report Share Posted October 18, 2011 Both of you obviously forgot that a certain someone (cough, Divin...cough...Chao..cough) else has a fic that could really use some comments. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agro Posted October 19, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 19, 2011 I admit, this isn't my favorite chapter, and I never felt great about it even up till I posted it, but it gets the story to chapter 10, which I'm gonna enjoy finishing up. Anywho, Chapter 9 is now up, now I gotta go get me something to eat! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Synchronized Posted October 19, 2011 Report Share Posted October 19, 2011 [quote name='AggroDrago' timestamp='1318979639' post='5587085'] That person is probably just busy and would get around to it if [i]someone[/i] stopped nagging. <( )> [/quote] In my defense, I haven't nagged you in weeks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agro Posted October 19, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 19, 2011 [quote name='Star' timestamp='1318985363' post='5587320'] In my defense, I haven't nagged you in weeks. [/quote] It's only been a week and a half, and you were hardly even on during that time T_T Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Synchronized Posted October 19, 2011 Report Share Posted October 19, 2011 [quote name='AggroDrago' timestamp='1318985556' post='5587331'] It's only been a week and a half, and you were hardly even on during that time T_T [/quote] Aw, I sorry. T_T Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agro Posted October 19, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 19, 2011 [quote name='Star' timestamp='1318987574' post='5587415'] Aw, I sorry. T_T [/quote] T_T you'd better be. Now stop being a smart ass and read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Divine Chaos Posted October 19, 2011 Report Share Posted October 19, 2011 Gonna ignore me, eh? Fine, no point nagging. Will be posting review soon (as in as soon as AD decides to not just hang around Written + TCG and give me a review). Maybe I'll do it earlier, maybe not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Synchronized Posted October 19, 2011 Report Share Posted October 19, 2011 So I just read 9. It was a quick duel, but thankfully it wasn't dreadfully lengthy like his duel with Ryo. There was a part that threw me off because it seemed like Grey only Synchro Summoned twice, yet he somehow had three Synchros. It was well written and in some parts really cliche. I didn't quite agree with Everett joining Slifer Red because it seemed too easy and obvious, I.e. Jaden staying in Red when he could have moved up. Perhaps it wouldve made for more intrigue if he joined Blue, and we saw a few of his experiences there, how he disagreed with their mindset, how those interactions happened, etc. Perhaps him having to room with Teo. I'm not sure. Either way, another good Chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agro Posted October 19, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 19, 2011 [quote name='Star' timestamp='1319040943' post='5588158'] There was a part that threw me off because it seemed like Grey only Synchro Summoned twice, yet he somehow had three Synchros. [b]The third summon I didn't completely describe. It seemed kinda overdone to do so. But I thought I had stated that he did do it again...[/b] I didn't quite agree with Everett joining Slifer Red because it seemed too easy and obvious, I.e. Jaden staying in Red when he could have moved up. [b]Understandable, but I'm not gonna dig too deep into it.[/b] Perhaps it wouldve made for more intrigue if he joined Blue, and we saw a few of his experiences there, how he disagreed with their mindset, how those interactions happened, etc. Perhaps him having to room with Teo. I'm not sure. [b]It could definitely be, but in the case of this story, the differing viewpoints are not going to be my focus, so a jaunt like that didn't seem necessary.[/b] [/quote] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Synchronized Posted October 19, 2011 Report Share Posted October 19, 2011 I think the way you worded is what confused me; eventually I just put it together, but it looked like he had only done it twice, and so there was sort of a confusion trying to figure out how he got the monster to the field. No big deal. I don't know Karakuri's so it wasn't automatic for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not-so-Radiant Arin Posted October 19, 2011 Report Share Posted October 19, 2011 [font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif][size=7]Going with Something Different: [color=#ff0000]Devil's Advocate's "Heartfelt Review".[/color][/size][/font] [font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif][size=7][color=#FF0000][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][size=4]So, I am currently on a roll right now. My first "Heartfelt Review" of the day seemed simplistic, but exaggerated. It seemed helpful, but really wasn't. But up until this point, I've only done "Heartfelt Reviews" for the "new" writers on the Fan-Fiction Forum, and haven't really gotten around to one of my colleague's stories yet. Well, I am graced with the opportunity now.[/size][/font][/color][/size][/font] [font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif][size=7][color=#FF0000][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][size=4]There are four simple steps to making a good story, and I have been trying to spread this across the entire Fan-Fiction forum and to other writers in general. Step One: You know what your Novel is about/going to be about. Step Two: You write the opening. Step Three: You plan and write the ending. Step Four: [i]Then[/i], you devise the plot and characters to take you from here to there. Ideally, you start an outline consisting of pages or folders for each of the flows of action and/or chapters.[/size][/font][/color][/size][/font] [font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif][size=7][color=#FF0000][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][size=4]And you have actually started writing![/size][/font][/color][/size][/font] [font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif][size=7][color=#FF0000][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][size=4]Most people don't realize that this strategy works like a charm. But enough about that. I want to direct you back to the story I am about to read, which is AggroDrago's (probably copyrighted) "Yu-Gi-Oh! The Wanderer". I at least have a little bit of faith in my colleague in the fact that he has properly spelled Yu-Gi-Oh! correctly, though the comma should be dropped. Anyways, let's get right to it.[/size][/font][/color][/size][/font] [font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif][size=7][color=#FF0000][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][size=4]The original story shall be in italics while my responses are in bold.[/size][/font][/color][/size][/font] [i]The long, dusty road that leads to the sea had long since given way to the grasses and sand that lay near the western shore. It was that piece of scenery alone that informed Everett Aalto as to his location.[/i] [b][color=#ff0000]There's......something......about this sentence. It could possibly be because of the fact that you used the wrong verb form, or because of the ridiculously over-the-top description that you provided us with. [/color][/b] [i]The smell of salt that rolled over the hills before him stung as it flowed through his nostrils and left a certain unsettling sense of longing within him; one of which he knew very well. It was this smell, this taste, which had pulled him away from the main road that had been leading him northward.[/i] [b][color=#ff0000]More and more description......with no Exposition in sight.[/color][/b] [i]He wasn’t sure of what this sense of longing was, nor why it had made him take a detour three miles to the East, but it didn’t matter to him. He was just searching. Had been, ever since he left the circuit. Everett Aalto had shown up, without warning, onto the amateur dueling circuit almost three years ago. Word would have it that his deck and the cards therein were created by the CEO of Industrial Illusions to Everett’s own specifications. Though the CEO, nor Everett, ever confirmed that to be the case.[/i] [color=#ff0000][size=8][font=tahoma,geneva,sans-serif]E[/font][/size][/color][color=#ff8c00][size=8]X[/size][/color][size=8][color=#FFFF00]P[/color][color=#00ff00]O[/color][color=#00ffff]S[/color][color=#0000ff]I[/color][color=#800080]T[/color][color=#0000ff]I[/color][color=#00ff00]O[/color][color=#ff8c00]N[/color][/size] [color=#ff0000][size=8]RAINBOW!!!!!!!![/size][/color] [color=#FF0000][size=8][size=4][b]Seriously, when are we going to get to that part?[/b][/size][/size][/color] [i]There wasn’t much Everett had allowed [i]anyone[/i] to know about his past; at least the five years prior to his appearance in the amateur league. As to the accusations– well not exactly accusations– they were true. There wasn’t any use denying that. Those cards were his, birthed and bred, and that was how he’d wanted it.[/i] [b][color=#ff0000]Right...when is the first piece of dialogue going to show up? Usually it would be after the third Paragraph...[/color][/b] [i]During the first tournament he had competed in in the American Amateur Dueling League (AAL for short), he was, by and far, the most dominate duelist, defeating every opponent he faced on the first turn, every time.[/i] [b][color=#ff0000]So, it's Mr. General OTK Gary-Sue? So original....[/color][/b] [i]The media had labeled him a prodigy, a man amongst boys. Everett did not doubt that last part. Not one of the duelists he faced had ever had the conviction and emotion he put into every move. That was something that the CEO of Industrial Illusions had noticed when they had met a year before Everett’s debut. He had mentioned how ironic it was, that the duelist that used emotion so well in duels, had the hardest time expressing it. He knew why that was too, and it was part of the reason he had granted Everett the right to create his own cards.[/i] [b][color=#ff0000]What? What was the reason? Don't keep us in the dark, else I might flash Exposition Rainbow all over the place to shine this Fan-Fiction up![/color][/b] [i]Evert stood atop the hill, looking at the sunlit ocean. Most, he thought, would have gazed upon the vast waters with a sense of majesty and greater importance. Everett only saw a body of water, dangerous, deep, and at its core, a darkness that no man could ever truly imagine, let alone experience. It was an ocean. There were others in the world, and the Pacific, though gargantuan, was far from the most beautiful, and as Everett looked over it, he began to realize how unusually lifeless it seemed.[/i] [b][color=#ff0000]How callous....[/color][/b] [i]At least it seemed that way compared to the shore it lay against. The town that stood between the water and the foot of the dune Everett had stopped upon was busy. Everett assumed that, being a coastal town, there would be some sort of festival or party as the days grew nearer to summer.[/i] [b][color=#ff0000]That only happens in movies, unfortunately. But since I am directing this film, I guess you could say it counts...[/color][/b] [i]Everett found himself curious about what was going on and slowly began walking down the sandy slope towards the town. He was walking against better judgment, and not because of the treacherousness the sand and grass that made up the side of the hill created. He couldn’t risk getting recognized. Well, he could. He just didn’t want to. Fame had created a following to Everett that seemed to pop up everywhere he went. It was a despicable thing, having a bunch of fan-girls, and sometimes fan-boys, asking for his autograph or a picture. It wasn’t what he wanted, and it wasn’t why he dueled.[/i] [b][color=#ff0000]Yes, because we all know what happened to Yami Bakura and his Fan-Girls. They were sent to the Shadow Realm, along with the devious efforts of Marik Ishtar![/color][/b] [i]Why did he duel? [/i] [b][color=#ff0000]YES! Please tell us so that I don't end up flashing Exposition Rainbow everywhere I go for the rest of my life...![/color][/b] [i]Everett thought about it as he took his first few steps into town. [/i] [color=#ff0000]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKss2uYpih8&feature=player_embedded[/color] [i]That was the question the chair of Industrial Illusions had asked him after he’d won the championship almost a year after his charge into the limelight. The answer he had given was, as the chair himself had stressed, inadequate. The following week, Everett had disappeared from the amateur circuit. In a same manner to his appearance, with no one, not even those who knew him well, having any idea as to where he had gone.[/i] [b][color=#ff0000]Usually, Wanderer stories were more stoic and action-filled than this. But since this is only a First Chapter, we really aren't expecting much.[/color][/b] [i]It had been about two years since then, and Everett wasn’t quite sure if he had found a reason. His last one had surely not been resolved. In either case, even after two years, he was unsure if people remembered him, and if they did, how they would react. He had made it about halfway through the town when he realized a far more pressing matter he had to put his mind and effort to, and his stomach was giving him a heads up.[/i] [b][color=#ff0000]Ahh, possibly I'll have a Triple Cheeseburger. It'll be like a heart attack waiting to happen! Then, people wouldn't see that I'm actually a loser.[/color][/b] [i]“I gotta get something to eat.”[/i] [b][color=#ff0000]WHAT!?! That's our big dialogue line?[/color][/b] [i]As pathetic as it may seem, Everett felt as if an iron ball chained to his feet held him down. His hand holding his stomach in comfort, he continued to drag his famished and exhausted self down the right side of the road to the beach until, finally, sitting himself down, clumsily, onto one of the stools that lined a burger and custard stand sitting on the line between the sand and pavement. “Can I get you something?” The man behind the counter said it light-heartedly, obviously noting his potential customer’s sorrowful disposition. “Burger. Fries. Soda. Please.” “Coming up.”[/i] [b][color=#ff0000]You know what is really amazing? None of the characters have been described physically yet. Unless there is some explanation soon, I'm going to pretend that this is Zane Truesdale when he was having "issues".[/color][/b] [i]Everett finally propped himself up as he realized the food was on its way. It was only then that he noticed what was going on around him on the beach. He wasn’t sure, exactly, if he had been correct when he made his guess at there being a festival, but there was definitely something. From one side of the beach to the other, there were people, wearing red, yellow, and blue uniforms, most of them around Everett’s age or younger. And as he saw the first holograms of two fearsome creatures do battle on the far side of the beach, he began to get excited with the realization of what was going on.[/i] [b][color=#ff0000]And now we have some.....hints......to a plot. Maybe I won't have to flash Exposition Rainbow everywhere I go then.[/color][/b] [i]“There is.” The man spoke as if letting Everett know that he would not be giving his undivided attention. Everett wouldn’t argue. He wanted his food quickly anyway. “Duel Academy is taking a break here this week. I guess it’s to reward the students as they near the end of their year.” “How long they gonna be here?” “Tomorrow is the last day, I think.” “Hm.” Everett smirked “I’d better see as much as I can until then, huh?” “Yeah, you know some of these kids are actually pretty good. I’ve been watching them all week and I’m telling you: I’m surprised most of them aren’t on the amateur circuit.” As Everett heard the last few words he winced a bit. “I don’t know, I’ve always thought that going to Duel Academy would be cooler than competing in an amateur tourney.” “What makes you say that?” “Well, first off, they can still join the competitive circuit after leaving, plus I’ve always been told that the school experience is something every up and coming duelist should go through.” “You’re not in school?” The waiter was looking more attentive to what Everett had to say, and to Everett’s dismay, less attentive to making his food. “You look like that age.” “No.” Everett stretched his arms out, trying his best to not look too conspicuous. “I’ve taken a different road.” “Really? What kind of road is that?” Everett smirked as the waiter asked him. “It’s not something I like to talk about much, but it’s gotten me here and with enough money to eat, so I can’t complain, can I?” That last part made the man chuckled, and he had Everett’s food done within a matter of seconds. “Here you are.” “Great!” Everett leaned over the meal, eyeing it idly. “Say, you look familiar.” Everett froze as he heard the words. “Have I seen you somewhere before?” Gathering himself steadily, Everett smiled and looked up at the man. “I doubt it.”[/i] [b][color=#ff0000].....And some smooth dialogue. Maybe my initial reaction to this story was indeed wrong. But the characters still haven't been physically described yet.[/color][/b] [i]The man gazed at Everett’s mask of innocence. “Alright, sorry then. Enjoy the food.” “Will do.” Everett readjusted himself on the stool as he looked back over the food. With two hands, he lifted the burger to his mouth. His jaw had half-bitten into the bun when he heard someone address him to his left. “Hey, are you?” Face-still buried in the burger, Everett looked to his left to see who was speaking. “Rhett? Is that you?” Crap. Someone noticed him.[/i] [b][color=#ff0000]Cue chase music! For that scene where you-Ahh screw it, I'm not gonna do that anymore.[/color][/b] The boy to his left wasn’t acting like an adoring fan running into his idol, nor a man with a big boot meeting the scum of the Earth. He was acting significantly… different, than how anyone else Everett had met since he had left the amateur circuit had. Everett spent a few seconds examining the boy, wondering if he might know him. He had obviously come from the ocean: his amber-laced, brown hair lay, soaked, hanging over his ears and forehead and he wore swim trunks and an unbuttoned red and white uniform jacket, signifying his place in the Slifer-Red dorm of Duel Academy, the lowest of the class ranks at the Academy. “Rhett?” [b][color=#ff0000]Exposition Rainbow is happy. Finally, we are getting somewhere.[/color][/b] [i]“Uh-hra?” Everett realized he was still biting into the burger and bit the chunk off and swallowed it. As the food billowed through his esophagus and down into his stomach, he suddenly realized who he was talking to. “Leland?” Everett jolted as a fist came flying down and cracked onto the top of his skull. “Ow! What was that for?” Everett clutched his head in his hands, wincing from the stinging pain and leaning away from his aggressor. “You were supposed to duel me you a**!”[/i] [b][color=#ff0000]Last time I checked, the FCC doesn't regulate chat on these forums. You don't need to censor yourself.[/color][/b] [i]“What are you talking about?” “The day before our duel, you just left the amateur circuit! Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten!” Okay, maybe Everett was wrong, Leland may have been acting like he was the scum of the Earth. “That was [i]supposed [/i]to be my [i]last[/i] [i]duel[/i] before my parents pulled me out of the league and sent me off to Duel Academy!” “What?” “But you had to disappear! I thought that [i]maybe[/i] you’d show a little more respect for your best friend!” “Wait, you can’t put that on me! You never told me, if I had known you were leaving, of course I would have-.”[/i] [b][color=#ff0000]I'm gonna finish that sentence.[/color][/b] [b][color=#FF0000]"Of course I would have acted like a pompous jerk with an egotistical side of him. I'm just like Zane Truesdale! Herp Derp!"[/color][/b] [i]“No excuses!” Leland’s foot came flying up and knocked Everett in the gut, toppling him over like pin. Everett groaned as he hit the concrete, cussing himself that he didn’t choose a seat placed an optimal yard to the left where the ground was softened by kicked-up sand. “Okay, okay, yeah. I’m sorry I left without telling you, I [i]probably[/i] should have-.” Everett stopped short as he saw the menacing look on Leland’s face. “I [i]should [/i]have told you before I did what I did.”[/i] [b][color=#ff0000]And then again, more intense Dialogue. I've always heard that a balance is good: Plot detail for a few paragraphs, and then some minor Dialogue. Then Rinse and Repeat.[/color][/b] [i]Leland held his fist up in the air, considering whether or not to beat the helpless idiot. “Ugh, your not worth it.” Leland threw a hand up in the air indifferently and walked back over to the counter, being sure to take a fry from Everett’s plate as payment before sitting down on an adjacent seat. Everett, dusting himself off, soon followed. “So, wait, you’ve been at Duel Academy for [i]two years[/i] now?” Leland sent a quick, but menacing glance towards Everett. Obviously thinking that he shouldn’t be the first one to answer questions. “Well, technically speaking, I’ve been privately tutored by former DA teachers since I was five, and I’ve been going there to study during their summer programs.” “They have those things?” Leland gave Everett a lifeless glare in response to the rhetorical question. “My parents, always wanting me to have [i]the[/i] [i]best[/i] knowledge to win, told me that I had to become a full-time student at Duel Academy if I wanted to continue. I wasn’t really given a choice in the matter. I was [i]planning[/i] on telling you a week before, but…” “Yeah… sorry about that… again.” “Whatever. Anyway, that’s why I’m here. More importantly, let’s talk about where [i]you [/i]went. You’ve been off the radar for what, two years now?” Everett laughed, “It’s a bit too long of a story. Mainly, I’ve just been traveling around. Ever since that last duel, you know?”[/i] [b][color=#ff0000]Five.....four....three...two..one.[/color][/b] [color=#ff0000][size=8][font=tahoma,geneva,sans-serif]E[/font][/size][/color][color=#ff8c00][size=8]X[/size][/color][size=8][color=#FFFF00]P[/color][color=#00ff00]O[/color][color=#00ffff]S[/color][color=#0000ff]I[/color][color=#800080]T[/color][color=#0000ff]I[/color][color=#00ff00]O[/color][color=#ff8c00]N[/color][/size] [color=#ff0000][size=8]RAINBOW!!!!!!!![/size][/color] [i]The duel in question, in what ended up being the final duel Everett played, taking place about a month or so before his disappearance, had left him with a few bruises and had laid his opponent in a hospital bed. No one could exactly lay a finger on the actual problem, but mostly, it was attributed to a programming error in the simulated explosions that caused them to magnify to be far larger than normally allotted.[/i] [b][color=#ff0000]**Retracts Exposition Rainbow**[/color][/b] [b][color=#ff0000]There's something with the last sentence that I just can't put my finger on (no pun intended). The phrasing of the sentence seems awkward, possibly because it has a Split Infinitive. I don't know, but it's just.......not right.[/color][/b] [i]“Alright, so how’d that bring you here?” “I don’t know. It was mostly coincidence. Really though, I came here looking for someone.” “Who’d that be?” Everett responded with a bothered expression, not wanting to let loose what it was exactly that had brought him here, but knowing he owed [i]something [/i]to Leland. “If you’re looking for a deeper reason as to why I left, then don’t waste your time. I don’t have one for you, Leel.” Leland’s head perked up from staring down at the dark lines in the wooden counter when he heard his childhood nickname.[/i] [b][color=#ff0000]I can tell that you have put a lot of time and effort into the character development throughout this story. But again, none of the characters have been described physically except for Leland.[/color][/b] [i]“Don’t call me that, man.” “Then don’t call me Rhett.” “Pft. Like hell I’ll do that!”[/i] [b][color=#ff0000]Pointless nagging is pointless.[/color][/b] [i]Everett sighed, “Look, Leel. If you [i]need[/i] a reason for why I left, it’s this: I don’t know what it is I was playing for. Why should I have put myself out there and tried to win every day, and at apparent risk of health? I couldn’t find a reason to fight anymore. So I left it behind.” Leland took a glass of water the chef had laid before him when the two sat down and took a gulp. Everett hadn’t seen him this much in thought since the first time he’d watched him duel in the amateur circuit.[/i] [b][color=#ff0000]There's no real thinking involved with Duel Monsters. At least, in today's society.[/color][/b] [b][color=#FF0000]inb4you'rewrong.[/color][/b] [i]“You can’t remember what you duel for, huh?” Leland pushed himself up out of his seat. “Well then.” Everett looked up at his old friend. “Rhett, do you still have your duel disk?”[/i] [b][color=#ff0000]No. Why would I?[/color][/b] [b][color=#FF0000]Oh wait...[/color][/b] [i]Everett could see where this was going, and there wasn’t anything he’d be able to do about it. So, with some distain, he reached over to the tan backpack set beside his seat and opened a flap revealing his old duel disk. “Good then.” In [i]the most[/i] clichéd way possible, Leland pointed to Everett, [/i] [b][color=#ff0000]OBJECTION![/color][/b] [color=#ff0000]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1SB12K8LHQ&feature=related[/color] [i]“Everett Aalto, I challenge you to a duel!”[/i] [b][color=#ff0000]And that is where our story ends. As predicted.[/color][/b] [b][color=#FF0000]Well, aside from the numerous and uneventful natural descriptions that happened throughout the story, the lack of a physical character description, and probably a cliche character overall, this certainly did live up to my expectations. It seems that my faith has been somewhat restored in the Fan-Fiction section, even though my faith is probably misplaced. The dialogue flowed naturally, you didn't make me laugh at some stupid joke (inb4it'samaneater!), and hopefully, by reading this and providing a full length review on it, that I will actually start to read it, like I said I was going to. But before that, I have to start work on my Fan-Fiction, and we will see how this plays out, since your story and the story that I am planning are similar in Exposition.[/color][/b] [b][color=#FF0000]I'm gonna popularize Exposition Rainbow now by the way, ever since I have been using it since my last "Heartfelt Review". By the way, this Chapter is REEEEAAAALLLY long once you break it up.[/color][/b] [b][color=#FF0000]Well, that's that, and I am signing off.[/color][/b] [b][color=#FF0000]BZZT![/color][/b] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agro Posted October 19, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 19, 2011 Wow, you still do this? I thought you stopped when Roxas chewed you out. Anyway, the lack of description for Everett was something I hadn't noticed when I first read it, but when I edited it and realized it, I though it over. At that point it came upon me that I didn't describe his physical make up because I didn't really care. I'd rather the reader understand his emotional state and personality instead of how he looks. Because when it comes down to it, that's what matters, the readers imagination will handle the rest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not-so-Radiant Arin Posted October 19, 2011 Report Share Posted October 19, 2011 [quote name='AggroDrago' timestamp='1319066631' post='5588761'] Wow, you still do this? I thought you stopped when Roxas chewed you out.[/quote] I did stop for a little bit, but then I figured out ways to make it more along the lines of Fan-Fic forum rules and not seem like a bunch of ranting from multiple personalities. Then it hit me: Youtube Links. =\ [quote]Anyway, the lack of description for Everett was something I hadn't noticed when I first read it, but when I edited it and realized it, I though it over. At that point it came upon me that I didn't describe his physical make up because I didn't really care. I'd rather the reader understand his emotional state and personality instead of how he looks. Because when it comes down to it, that's what matters, the readers imagination will handle the rest. [/quote] I think you are my new best friend.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Divine Chaos Posted October 20, 2011 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 Ok, finished reading chapter 9. Bunch of overly "where have I seen this befores" showing up (battle fader*2, mirror, etc.) ws alright, but i hope layer chapters won't have me reading splashables again and again. Fortress Dragon killing Grey was a nice touch, especially since the Prof was so kind as to donate a few Machines to fuel the Dragon. I'm sure you heard this before, but Everett's fast victory made it massively cliched and rather boring since he's winning every duel. And after that, he decides to join Slifer Red. Whoopee, another Red lover. Ever thought of landing your hero somewhere else? Oh, well no use complaining. Overall, I'm not satisfied with how this chaptet resolved, but I'll just have to wait and see how you expand it from there. P.s. Read my new fic yet? I'll tell you something. [spoiler=spoiler] the main character duels on chapter one. To make a change, he loses. Worse, I interrupted before he lost and had him end up in the hospital. still worse, unlike Mr. Duel god Everett, if the duel continued, he would've been OTKed. [/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agro Posted October 20, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 [quote name='Divine Chaos' timestamp='1319110708' post='5589382'] Ok, finished reading chapter 9. Bunch of overly "where have I seen this befores" showing up (battle fader*2, mirror, etc.) ws alright, but i hope layer chapters won't have me reading splashables again and again. Fortress Dragon killing Grey was a nice touch, especially since the Prof was so kind as to donate a few Machines to fuel the Dragon. I'm sure you heard this before, but Everett's fast victory made it massively cliched and rather boring since he's winning every duel. And after that, he decides to join Slifer Red. Whoopee, another Red lover. Ever thought of landing your hero somewhere else? Oh, well no use complaining. Overall, I'm not satisfied with how this chaptet resolved, but I'll just have to wait and see how you expand it from there. P.s. Read my new fic yet? I'll tell you something. [spoiler=spoiler] the main character duels on chapter one. To make a change, he loses. Worse, I interrupted before he lost and had him end up in the hospital. still worse, unlike Mr. Duel god Everett, if the duel continued, he would've been OTKed. [/spoiler] [/quote] Why would I read a story from a guy whose being a dick about it? Just saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Synchronized Posted October 20, 2011 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 Yeah, DC, that might be the most flawed logic I've ever seen. "Your chapter sucks, but hey, before you go, read my story?" When can we expect 10 bro? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agro Posted October 20, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 [quote name='Star' timestamp='1319121649' post='5589529'] Yeah, DC, that might be the most flawed logic I've ever seen. "Your chapter sucks, but hey, before you go, read my story?" When can we expect 10 bro? [/quote] Didn't I explain this already? Oh well, I'll say it again. New Chapter Every Tuesday Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Divine Chaos Posted October 20, 2011 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 oops, i didn't mean to offend anyone here. I just completed a new chapter, but it sucked like hell and that probably influencwd my review. Forgive me for being an ass, I'm just frustrated with life right now (school and all that other stuff). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agro Posted October 20, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 [quote name='Divine Chaos' timestamp='1319126458' post='5589626'] oops, i didn't mean to offend anyone here. I just completed a new chapter, but it sucked like hell and that probably influencwd my review. Forgive me for being an ass, I'm just frustrated with life right now (school and all that other stuff). [/quote] Well I read that 3 hours tool late. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted October 25, 2011 Report Share Posted October 25, 2011 Read chapters 2 and 3 whilst having breaks from other stuff. Can't say I'm overly enthused so far. Duel Academy fics generally don't fill me with such. Ryo's introduction was just such a douchey way to introduce a rival. 'I don't like you because a card that [i]might[/i] have helped my brother have a tiny chance of winning a championship is limited, and you use cards that take real advantage of said card. Therefore in my really f***ed up head it must be your fault'. Its not like it was even Ryo who lost the title, it was his brother, so that stunts the rivalry as well. On a positive note I really enjoy the weird relationship between Everett and Leland. Best friends who constantly have a go at each other. Dunno if you've ever seen 'Life on Mars' but it reminds me of those characters. There are probably more common odd couples to compare them to, but eh. Theres a lot of silly humour which does make me chuckle to, which is a nice change to the doom and gloom that prevails over Dead Zone, Dark Doorway, Armageddon, etc. They are keeping me interested so far, and I suspect they'll no doubt be a girl soon joins them as a trio to add another dynamic. Prof Grey, I paid very little attention to anything he said as I just rushed through that section, but yeah he's up to something in the least subtle way. I'm sure they'll be others like that when we reach the academy, but first we have Everett vs Ryo coming up. Spectacular come back win, possibly having Darkfire Dragion defeated early and having to call on a second boss to win the day. Or Monster Reborn. Sorry to be a jerk because I don't usually do this whole predicting thing, but... this does lend itself to it. I could have just got everything wrong and made a fool of myself, but somehow I doubt it. Haven't seen any problem in terms of custom cards, the Darkfire cards seem fine (if cliche in name, but returning from graveyard to deck is cool gimmick). Everett vs Leland was a pretty good opening duel, to get his LP to 100 without him really doing anything and then destroy Lel in one turn was really well worked out. So another plus there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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