B00k 1. Rise of the Dragon Kings

[Mew 2.0]

Rise of the Dragon Kings

 

“Do you what to make a mockery of this family?”

“No. I just don’t get it. Do we really have to do this now?”

“Do we have to do this now? Do we have to do this now? Yes. Yes, we have to do this now. The next time this happens, it could be the next century.”

There was a table in front of both son and father. The table was loaded with roots, leaves, flowers, anything that grows from the ground. It was training. Training for the most important event in a child’s life. Of coarse Sage Greenbranch didn’t know what it was. All he knew was that it involved lots of training and knowledge.

“Let’s review. What is this plant called?”

“It’s a… a… White Sageroot?”

“Precisely. Do you remember why it is so important?”

“I remember I’m named after it. Something about air?”

“Yes. Bring it up to your mouth and you can breath underwater. It saved my life in the Championship.”

“Wow. When is lunch?”

“After you can tell me which of these plants you can eat.”

Training was like this a lot. Harsh, demanding, and it seemed like it took forever, at least to Sage. To his father, it was important and life saving. And if it didn’t happen everyday all day, he might as well kiss Sage goodbye.

Life was like this a lot in the city of Etchis. Harsh, demanding, and it seemed like it was to short. Mainly because it was for many people. At the age of thirteen, all children where forced to participate in the Rider Championship. The Championship is an opportunity for all children to prove their worth. If a child was killed or mortally wounded, they where out. The winner got to become a great Dragon Rider, starting training all over again. this time in magic, weaponry, and politics.

“That’s easy,” replied Sage. “The answer is most of them. Any plant with red on it is a “no”. Any unknown berry, and, unless you have to, anything that doesn’t have flowers or doesn’t bloom.”

“And why don’t we eat things that don’t bloom?”

“Because it means it was abandoned by living creatures long ago. Evolution made if loose it’s bloom.”

“Perfect. Let’s go in for lunch.”

“Dad, can I ask you something?”

“Anything.”

“Why aren’t you flying on some dragon, fighting enemy towns?”

“Let’s eat.”

The truth was, Mr.Greenbranch didn’t ride dragons because when he won, it was very controversial.

That year, the Championship took play on a volcano. All others where dead, except 2 boys. One was trained mainly in offence and hunting, the other was an Intellectual. He knew everything about most things. He also knew that this particular volcano was famous. Famous for having an underground oasis. The smarter boy took roots from his precious personal pack, a bag everyone got to put items in. If it can fit in a 8 inch, by 3 inch, by 4 inch bag, you can use it. That particular boy filled his up with edible and useful plants. He took the most distasteful ones for the job and made a trail to the oasis.

The other one fell for it, hook line, and sinker. Thinking he had the upper hand, the more aggressive boy walked closer and closer to the water until he was in reach. In reach of the other boy that is. From the depths of pond and algae came a dangerous force known as . He grabbed his opponent and dragged him down into the water.

Using White Sageroot, the smarter boy was able to breathe under the surface while to other drowned. Or at least, he thought the other had drowned. He pulled the body to the surface and turned his back to him as he examined the short knife the boy had brought. Just as desided he would keep the blade, the other got up and charged at him. Hearing the previously life-less body get up, turned around and stabbed him.

This was a mistake. Contestants are only aloud to use the environment and what they brought. In the end, the council decided to allow the boy to live and be claimed victor, but not to be a rider. This Dragonless Champion became a father to Sage.

Chapter 2

 

It wasn’t until that night, after another rigorous training seccion, did Sage wonder what exactly he was training for. He always knew it was important and everyone went through it, but wht WAS it? If he could die, he had a right to know.

Why wasn’t his dad a Rider?

Who or what was this mysterious Council?

What happened to the victor and why didn’t he see any around?

Tomorrow, Sage thought to himself, tomorrow I will ask these things. And tomorrow will be the day I learn the answers.

Chapter 3

 

“Wake up, young one, “ was the first thing Sage’s father said to him in the morning. ”Today is special. Today, you get to go outside the house.”

“But why today? Why not earlier?” asked Sage. Maybe this will help in his quest for answers.

His father made a deep sigh “You have a right to know why. You have a right to know why I waited until today, when you turned 10, to know. The world is very dangerous. I kept you in for long enough. Your final years of training will all be done outside. Its time you learned combat. Its time you learned how to become a Dragon Champion.”

Long ago the White Wizard, the most powerful of all wizards, wanted to create a new creature. A nnew creature that could enhance

 

Im not done with chapter 3 yet. Its actually stopped mid-sentence as of now.

[Guest Star]

Just to let you know, this will most likely get locked. There's a minimum length rule and I don't think this meets the requirements.

[Guest]

You may know that five thousand years ago, mystical games were played in Egypt. But you may not know that those games actually originated ninety-five billion years ago in what is now Burma, where a tribe called the Peoples Ancientos lived. They were a peaceful state built upon art and culture, inventing all manner of artistic and entertaining media - including card games. Their ruler, the kind and benevolent Queen Whiny von Nitpick, ensured the quality of their culture by criticizing those works that did not measure up to standard, and by having any dissenters executed or brainwashed to ensure that the golden age of peace and prosperity would last for all eternity.

 

Unfortunately, even such a glorious reign could not last forever, as a villain known as Darkemperor Sinisterdoom unleashed dark magical monsters upon the world that destroyed the entire civilization, burying the Peoples Ancientos too deep in history to ever be discovered. And as a result, terrible stories were permitted to rule the internet. And these foes must be stopped.

 

If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for Foe Fiction.

 

I may have forgotten to mention this before, but my mother is the regional vice president of distribution for Industrial Illusions, and is also a multi-billionaire who was able to build an awesome deck of rare and even unreleased cards, so there's really no way I could possibly have failed to get into Duel Academy.

 

Anyhow, apparently Mom was able to pull some strings to get me another chance to get into Duel Academy this year. The problem is that the plane is only built to hold twelve, and there are twelve students flying in, so it's a dead-man's-boots setup - I need to boot another student out to get in. To do this, I need to beat them in a duel. But before that, I need to review something they wrote - apparently one of the strings being pulled noticed my review of that idiot guard's piece and included this as a condition.

 

So, Der Quizzler, it's really nothing personal, but you have a ticket to Duel Academy and I don't, and I'm not going to stand for that. So let's dive into...

Rise of the Dragon Kings

 

Excuse me, I mean "B00k 1. Rise of the Dragon Kings". Yes, with zeroes, presumably symbolizing this story's quality.

 

Looking at the source reveals that this was posed with each line beginning with a tabbed indent, but the author apparently didn't even glance at it when it was posted, or they would have known that these indents don't show up on this forum. Except, wait a minute, apparently the author didn't even find the tab button, because these aren't actually tabbed indents - they're just a string of ten spaces. So the indents not only don't show up, producing a wall of text, but they would have been shoddily done even if they had shown up. Wonderful.

 

“Do you what to make a mockery of this family?”

“No. I just don’t get it. Do we really have to do this now?”

“Do we have to do this now? Do we have to do this now? Yes. Yes, we have to do this now. The next time this happens, it could be the next century.”

 

Having only read these first three lines, I can guarantee that one of two things is true: either the first speaker is an idiot and that last statement makes no sense, or that last statement is so obvious in-universe that the second speaker is an idiot for not already knowing it.

 

Already, suspense is built as we hang on the edge of our seats to find out which of these two is the moron.

 

There was a table in front of both son and father. The table was loaded with roots, leaves, flowers, anything that grows from the ground. It was training. Training for the most important event in a child’s life. Of coarse

 

Of "coarse"? It's like some awful hybrid of M. Bison and sandpaper.

 

The moral of the story is that an automated spellchecker is no substitute for actual proofreading.

 

Sage Greenbranch didn’t know what it was. All he knew was that it involved lots of training and knowledge.

 

So, why doesn't he know? Is it because he's an idiot? Or is it because he's not supposed to know - which makes his father acting like it's obvious and giving a partial explanation bad form, making his father an idiot?

 

This isn't just a minor nitpick here. When the scene is focusing on the son's training and his reluctance to train, what he does and doesn't (or should and shouldn't) know about the training is central to what controls all his actions and is thus the center of the entire scene. If that doesn't make sense, then the whole scene doesn't make sense either and just falls apart.

 

“Let’s review. What is this plant called?”

“It’s a… a… White Sageroot?”

“Precisely. Do you remember why it is so important?”

“I remember I’m named after it. Something about air?”

 

I would think "Sage" would be named for more than just the "White Sageroot". There must be other types of Sageroot if the word "White" needs to be there, and I'm guessing that there are still other plants containing the word "Sage" that aren't any sort of "Sageroot".

 

But let's assume for argument's sake that the White Sageroot is indeed the plant for which Sage is named. You'd think that would have made it extremely prominent in Sage's mind, yet he still can't remember what it does. If his memory fails him for even what should be the most important of plants in his mind, this kid really sucks. And this kid is our hero.

 

“Yes. Bring it up to your mouth and you can breath underwater. It saved my life in the Championship.”

“Wow. When is lunch?”

“After you can tell me which of these plants you can eat.”

Training was like this a lot. Harsh, demanding,

 

Yeah, it looks really harsh. Your dad asks you a simple question and you sit there looking like an idiot not knowing what your own namesake does. Sounds really grueling. I can't imagine how this poor abused son can survive.

 

and it seemed like it took forever, at least to Sage. To his father, it was important and life saving. And if it didn’t happen everyday all day, he might as well kiss Sage goodbye.

 

Look, there's only a tableful of plants here. Any decent student, even if they hadn't grown up in this world of magical life-saving plants, would be able to memorize all of their effects in under a day. In a week, it would be permanently committed to memory. In a month, it would be as second-nature as breathing. In the son's entire lifetime? There is no excuse for being at all incompetent here, let alone as pathetic as this kid has turned out to be.

 

Maybe the father should just get a new son. This one is clearly hopelessly retarded.

 

Life was like this a lot in the city of Etchis. Harsh, demanding,

 

Look, you've shown the father ask the son two questions, and the son has spent the entire time whining without giving a single correct answer. Stop trying to act like this is the most harsh and unfair setup ever.

 

and it seemed like it was to short. Mainly because it was for many people. At the age of thirteen, all children where forced to participate in the Rider Championship. The Championship is an opportunity for all children to prove their worth. If a child was killed or mortally wounded, they where out. The winner got to become a great Dragon Rider, starting training all over again. this time in magic, weaponry, and politics.

 

So, only one child survives each year's Championship? This will not produce a sustainable population. The population will dwindle until there are so few left that there are only one or two children even competing in each Championship, and at that point it will die out because it's too small and has insufficient genetic diversity. Oh, and as for magic, weaponry, and politics? You might get better results on those fronts if your "city" could support more than a hundred people.

 

At least we can now confirm that this Championship is something everyone should know about, confirming that the son is the idiot for not caring about the imminent life-or-death battle. Of course, the original which-is-the-moron question is still open on the "century" comment; they could both be idiots on different topics.

 

“That’s easy,” replied Sage. “The answer is most of them. Any plant with red on it is a “no”. Any unknown berry, and, unless you have to, anything that doesn’t have flowers or doesn’t bloom.”

“And why don’t we eat things that don’t bloom?”

“Because it means it was abandoned by living creatures long ago. Evolution made if loose it’s bloom.”

 

Nonsense. Something can be toxic to humans while still blooming because it needs to attract non-human life, to which it is non-toxic.

 

And what about the "unknown berry" condition? That's certainly good advice, but if you need to eat, it would be best to actually learn your berries to know which ones are safe. The answer just begs the question. "Which ones do you know are safe to eat?" "Well, not the ones that I don't know are safe to eat."

 

“Perfect. Let’s go in for lunch.”

 

Wow, the father's standards seem to be really low. Oh, and look at how he agreed to go to lunch after that fifteen-second exchange that even the idiot son thought was easy. Truly, this is the harshest and most grueling of all training sessions.

 

“Dad, can I ask you something?”

“Anything.”

“Why aren’t you flying on some dragon, fighting enemy towns?”

“Let’s eat.”

 

Ah, an evasive answer that creates mystery and leaves the reader in suspense-

 

The truth was, Mr.Greenbranch didn’t ride dragons because when he won, it was very controversial.

 

-for one single line before immediately giving a flashback answer.

 

That year, the Championship took play on a volcano.

 

Okay, I've been ignoring a lot of proofreading errors in this story because we'd be here all day if I pointed them all out, but "took play"? Ye Gods, this is awful. I know this isn't a perfect draft and was in part posted to get comments and suggestions for improvement, but do your beta readers a service and proofread it yourself before asking others to help you proofread, you illiterate hack.

 

All others where dead, except 2 boys. One was trained mainly in offence and hunting, the other was an Intellectual. He knew everything about most things. He also knew that this particular volcano was famous. Famous for having an underground oasis.

 

Indeed, he's such a capital-I Intellectual that he... knows things that apparently everybody knows, since that's what the word "famous" means.

 

The smarter boy took roots from his precious personal pack, a bag everyone got to put items in. If it can fit in a 8 inch, by 3 inch, by 4 inch bag, you can use it. That particular boy filled his up with edible and useful plants. He took the most distasteful ones for the job and made a trail to the oasis.

The other one fell for it, hook line, and sinker. Thinking he had the upper hand, the more aggressive boy walked closer and closer to the water until he was in reach. In reach of the other boy that is. From the depths of pond and algae came a dangerous force known as . He grabbed his opponent and dragged him down into the water.

 

A dangerous force known as... the other boy's period? o_O Fantasy biology is weird.

 

So, if he was planning on using these plants to set a trap, why did the "Intellectual" pack distasteful ones at all? Wouldn't the trap be better with yummy ones? And why did the aggressive boy think he had the "upper hand"? He didn't seem to think Menstruating Boy was there, so did he just think having food would make him win? Or did he know our Tactical Genius was there and just walk into this vague trap because he's a moron?

 

Using White Sageroot, the smarter boy was able to breathe under the surface while to other drowned. Or at least, he thought the other had drowned.

 

He can't tell whether the other drowned properly, and didn't bother making absolutely sure he was dead? Yeah, this kid is a real genius.

 

He pulled the body to the surface and turned his back to him as he examined the short knife the boy had brought. Just as _ desided he would keep the blade, the other got up and charged at him. Hearing the previously life-less body get up, _ turned around and stabbed him.

 

I inserted an underscore where the author just left a blank for a name that he never bothered to fill in, since those blanks don't actually show up. This is true creative genius here; simply naming characters, or even inserting placeholders to make the story readable, apparently takes too much effort.

 

This was a mistake. Contestants are only aloud to use the environment and what they brought.

 

That's a stupid rule. So if A attacks B with a knife, they struggle, and B manages to make A stab himself, B is disqualified? If someone uses some sort of use-the-opponent's-own-strength-against-him judo stuff, is that cheating too? Why isn't the knife considered part of the environment? Since the only things present are the environment, what they brought, and what others bought, this rule seems to exist exclusively to prevent the use of things others brought, but what's the point of making such a rule? If the aggressive boy went after the roots to eat them, shouldn't he be disqualified first for using something he didn't bring, leaving the intellectual the only remaining contestant long before his own violation of the rules? But what if the aggressive boy hadn't known those plants were brought by another contestant? And if this really was a rule, wouldn't the "Intellectual" have known about it and thus not decided to bring the knife with him?

 

Any level of reading deeper than whatever-you-say-smile-and-nod will bring the story to an abrupt halt at this completely nonsensical line.

 

In the end, the council decided to allow the boy to live

 

Aw, you didn't want to just kill two percent of your over-thirteen population for no good reason?

 

and be claimed victor, but not to be a rider.

 

So, apparently they don't have exactly one dragon to be given a rider each year, since this year they're not producing any new rider. So, int hat case, what's the point of the one-per-year rule?

 

This Dragonless Champion became a father to Sage.

 

Well, we're at the end of the chapter now, and... I have no incentive to keep reading. The son, who seems to be our protagonist, is a lazy moron who just whines about simple tasks, the worldbuilding here is terrible, and there has been no interesting setup that I want to see resolved.

Chapter 2

 

It wasn’t until that night, after another rigorous training seccion, did Sage wonder what exactly he was training for. He always knew it was important and everyone went through it, but wht WAS it? If he could die, he had a right to know.

Why wasn’t his dad a Rider?

Who or what was this mysterious Council?

What happened to the victor and why didn’t he see any around?

Tomorrow, Sage thought to himself, tomorrow I will ask these things. And tomorrow will be the day I learn the answers.

 

That's the entire second chapter. Chapters in this story are evidently shorter than paragraphs in decent books.

 

So, uh, why doesn't the son know about the Championship when it's central to his entire life thus far? Why doesn't he know whether his life will be endangered even though his father has explicitly told him that his life will be at stake? Wouldn't knowing what the Championship is about make it much easier to prepare for it and win it, or at least increase his motivation? And wouldn't knowing about the Championship and its rules prevent him from breaking another of their stupid rules that got his father disqualified? What does Sage know about the Council, anyhow? He's asking what it is here, so he's obviously heard of it, but it wasn't mentioned in the scene between Sage and his father, so we've no idea how he heard of it or what he does know about it.

 

And if simply asking would be enough to let him learn all of this, why hasn't he done it already? He must be the least curious boy in the world. Except, wait, he already asked his dad why he wasn't a Rider in the first chapter, and got no answer; why does he think the next time he asks will be any different?

 

Most importantly, why should I care about this little idiot enough to keep reading?

Chapter 3

 

“Wake up, young one, “ was the first thing Sage’s father said to him in the morning. ”Today is special. Today, you get to go outside the house.”

 

Waitwaitwait, he's training by studying plants for an outdoor survival tournament, and he's never set foot outside his house? Worst. Training. Ever.

 

“But why today? Why not earlier?” asked Sage. Maybe this will help in his quest for answers.

His father made a deep sigh “You have a right to know why. You have a right to know why I waited until today, when you turned 10, to know. The world is very dangerous. I kept you in for long enough. Your final years of training will all be done outside.

 

I guess mysteries are technically being raised, but they're not the good kind of mysteries where we're interested in finding out what's going on. Instead, they're the bad kind of mysteries where we're wondering what was wrong with the idiot who wrote this illogical mess.

 

Its time you learned combat. Its time you learned how to become a Dragon Champion.”

Long ago the White Wizard, the most powerful of all wizards, wanted to create a new creature. A nnew creature that could enhance

 

Im not done with chapter 3 yet. Its actually stopped mid-sentence as of now.

 

Oh, no. You were too stupid and lazy to merely finish a sentence, so now I'll never find out about this nnew creature.

 

Your fantasy setting is full of holes and fundamentally makes no sense, your characters are bland and unlikeable, there's no incentive to keep reading, you've done no proofreading, your chapters can be as short as paragraphs, and one of your boys is having his period. It would be easier to list what's right with this story than what's wrong with it. Nothing personal, Der Quizzler, but this story is terrible, and I really want your spot at Duel Academy. So let's duel.

 

Crab Helmet: 4000

Der Quizzler: 4000

 

I'll go first. I summon UItimate Necromantic Dragon! By paying 3800 Life Points, I can Special Summon it! It removes your whole field and Graveyard from play, and them removes everything that's already removed from play even further from play, and then discards your entire hand. It has 12442 ATK and DEF, can't be removed from the field or destroyed in any way, and can attack on the very first turn of the duel. Go, attack for-

 

Der Quizzler: "Necro Gardna".

 

You're... blocking my attack? Well, that's no fair. Fine, your turn.

 

Der Quizzler: "I draw. Sparks. I win."

 

Nooooooooo! My life points! AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT HURTS SO MUCH HOW CAN THIS BE? I HAVE NEVER LOST A DUEL IN MY ENTIRE LIFE EVER! THIS PAIN IS UNIMAGINEABLE! And yet, it still doesn't feel quite as bad as reading B00k 1. Rise of the Dragon Kings.

[Ghoulish]

Nice job, I'm becoming more of a fan of your reviews as I keep reading them, keep it up.

[Mew 2.0]

thank you. Not only was this INCREDIBLY funny it reminded me to say that I haven't edited diddly squat. I haven't made a name for the father and I haven't quite put in all the details I would like to reveal. As for the end, I have no excuse. Finishing the sentence would be nice. Any ideas?

 

PS, I'm flattered you put my story thingey in your sig.

[Guest Devil's Advocate]

thank you. Not only was this INCREDIBLY funny it reminded me to say that I haven't edited diddly squat. I haven't made a name for the father and I haven't quite put in all the details I would like to reveal. As for the end, I have no excuse. Finishing the sentence would be nice. Any ideas?

 

PS, I'm flattered you put my story thingey in your sig.

 

That's....actually......a very bad sign. I hate to break it to you. Especially with Crab around.

[bury the year]

Chapters being shorter than what I can scribble on a bar napkin? LOCKED.