Yu-Gi-Oh Fate of the Divided (New Chapter) Serpent's Sonata, Part 1 is up!

Divine Chaos · August 23, 2011

Hi this is my new Fanfic. It's just the prologue, but please give me some comments/criticism, cuz I need some feedback.
[spoiler=[b]Prologue[/b]]
A young man with silvery hair floated about, drifting in a dimension of colors that distorted in one corner, but shone brilliantly in the next. He was not watching the dimension, however. His eyes were closed, and his mind was calm and composed. He knew none would disturb him, for none knew where he was, save his colleagues. This was not the first time he had been to the dimension either, nor would it be the last. Coming here allowed him to reach outward with his mind, to feel things beyond what he or anyone could sense.

His mind began to roam again, searching for any trace of what lay before him. For moments, he felt nothing. Then a tiny wormhole of light shone through, and he pushed outward into it, sending his mind spiraling into a vortex of images, emotions, and words. The jumbled mass began to press in on him, but he held out his hands and the storm halted instantly. The web of tangled substances would have taken nearly an eternity for anyone to decipher, but for him it took mere seconds for him to unravel the meanings of all the things floating around him. At first, he saw nothing again. Then the full force of what was around forced itself to the forefront of his mind.

He saw 3 Duelists, 2 boys and a girl, in an otherwise empty alley. One of the boys and the girl lay slumped against the wall, lifeless. The other boy was struggling to get to his feet. Then an enormous knight in pitch-black armor appeared over him. The knight raised its arm as if to impale the boy upon his sword. Suddenly, the image changed again and he beheld an enormous city that seemed to be enjoying a peaceful day. But barely an instant later, dark clouds enveloped the sky, and an ever-growing explosion rocked the city, destroying from the center outward, until the city lay in ruins except for a single building, which was near the very edge of the city. The image zoomed in toward the tower and on top of it stood a group of people. Their faces were obscured, but they all radiated an ominous power, a dark shroud that engulfed each individual member in near darkness. In quick succession, the images flashed past him, each even more grim than the preceding ones.

At long last, after the last of the visions began to fade, the young man took a deep breath. He knew what he had seen. The visions were a collection of both present and future times. Each was a possible fate and each held both grief and joy for those involved. Sorrow, anger, hatred, happiness, mercy, love; all was hashed together in a roiling mass. He knew that all the ends he had seen were possible, but he also knew that future sight could also be highly unreliable. And yet…
As he sat, contemplating what he knew and what he could deduce of the visions, he felt a disturbance behind him and knew that someone else had entered the dimension. He turned around. It was a tall, broad-shouldered man. He wore a black coat and a white shirt underneath with long casual pants. He was powerfully built and carried himself with ease. “Have you finished?” he asked. The teen nodded. “It’s a lot worse than I thought. We’ll have to intervene somewhere along the line, Arigen.” The man frowned. “Are you sure? We could betray our position, and the enemy will definitely recognize our handiwork.”

“That’s why we’ll have to be careful,” a woman’s voice replied. Arigen and the young man turned to see a young woman step into the dimension through what seemed like a ripple in the walls. She was dressed very simply in a long black dress and a pair of black boots. Her long dark hair fanned out as she tossed back her head. “Though there’s no real point in hiding if it’s HEX we’re dealing with. They may be strong, but they’re nothing we can’t handle.” The silvery haired teen shook his head. “HEX isn’t what we’ve got to deal with. In fact, several of their members are among the Divided.” Arigen raised an eyebrow. “Even so, leaving this matter in the Divided’s hands leaves a bad taste to my mouth. They’re formidable, but also unpredictable.” The woman sighed. “Does it matter? If he says so,” and here she gestured at the teen, “then we do it. That’s how it goes. But honestly, I don’t see a point in hiding. It’s irritating, and besides, it’s not like we’re criminals!”

Arigen sighed. “Your brashness will get all killed one day.” The woman glared at him. Before they began arguing, the young man raised his hands and both of them stopped. He had been floating the entire time, but now had settled onto the ground. He stretched for a moment, and then grinning, said, “Well, there’s no point of trying to hide. If our enemies find us,” and here, his grin became almost feral, “We’ll crush them. That’s all.” He held his arm out and a hole opened within one of the walls of the dimension, allowing them to exit. “Arigen, Tsukiko, I grant you free reign.” He and his two companions stepped out of the dimension and into the outskirts of a bustling city. Even though they had just stepped out from what seemed like thin air, the people paid no attention. Tsukiko suddenly grabbed the silvery-haired teen’s shoulder. “What are you going to use as your name this time? Although I agree there’s no point in deception, but having no name or a weird answer will raise a lot of inconveniences that we don’t need.” The teen shrugged. “I’ve already considered that. My name will be the same as it always was.” He walked a few more paces before stopping and turning with the thumb of his right hand pointing at his chest. At a volume just loud enough for them, but not the people walking around them to hear, he said, “My name is Rai.”

Author's notes: Nothing exciting so far, but it'll get better soon, I promise!
Glossary:
HEX:A mysterious organization made up of only Duelists with strong potential. They are more of anti-heroes, but they do have some sinister plot on their agenda (or something like that)
The Divided: A group of warriors (ahem, Duelists!) that wield extraordianary power and were foretold to be the key to stopping a major catastrophe, but only if they can mange to become unified. There were many instances of people wth these powers, but it seems that the chosen ones have yet to arrive.
Character profiles:
[b]Rai[/b]
Age: unknown
Hair color: silver
Eye color: light blue
Height: 5''4
Weight: N/A
Favorite/Signature Card:Unknown
Deck: Unknown
Personality: Rai is a calm and analytical person. He can be stubborn at times, but he means well and is a generally reliable person.
Hobbies:Dueling, reading, and practcing music
Likes: Fun activities, (other data unavailable)
Dislikes: borebom, dishonesty, stupidity
Special abilities: Able to traverse dimensions and see possible futures
[b]Arigen[/b]
Age: 35
Hair color: Brown with strands of grey
Eye color: Hazel
Height: 6"2
Weight:145 lbs
Favorite/Signature Card: Unknown
Deck: Unknown
Personality: Arigen has a stern and solemn personality. He has little patience for people who don't do things seriously.
Hobbies: Unknown
Likes: Peace and quiet
Dislikes: Wasting time, relying too much on others
[b]Tsukiko[/b]
Age: 19
Hair color: Black
Eye color: light brown
Height: 5''8
Favorite/Signature Card: Unknown
Deck: Unknown
Personality: Tsukiko is a warm-hearted and open person. Although her brashness can lead to tricky situations, often times her actions do more good than hram.
Hobbies: Drawing, daydreaming, and practicing athletics
Likes: Sunny days and tea
Dislikes:Rainy days, sad scenes, and bitter tasting foods[/spoiler]
Well, that's all for now. Give me some comments!

Agro · August 23, 2011

A few things:
1. Proof read your work, it won't take too long and will take care of a few wording and grammatical errors in your writing.
2. Space out your paragraphs and start new ones for quotations; it's an eyesore to look at and hard for a reader to follow a large blob of words
3. This:
[quote name='Divine Chaos' timestamp='1314130255' post='5463968']
Glossary:
HEX:A mysterious organization made up of only Duelists with strong potential. They are more of anti-heroes, but they do have some sinister plot on their agenda (or something like that)
The Divided: A group of warriors (ahem, Duelists!) that wield extraordianary power and were foretold to be the key to stopping a major catastrophe, but only if they can mange to become unified. There were many instances of people wth these powers, but it seems that the chosen ones have yet to arrive.
Character profiles:
[b]Rai[/b]
Age: unknown
Hair color: silver
Eye color: light blue
Height: 5''4
Weight: N/A
Favorite/Signature Card:Unknown
Deck: Unknown
Personality: Rai is a calm and analytical person. He can be stubborn at times, but he means well and is a generally reliable person.
Hobbies:Dueling, reading, and practcing music
Likes: Fun activities, (other data unavailable)
Dislikes: borebom, dishonesty, stupidity
Special abilities: Able to traverse dimensions and see possible futures
[b]Arigen[/b]
Age: 35
Hair color: Brown with strands of grey
Eye color: Hazel
Height: 6"2
Weight:145 lbs
Favorite/Signature Card: Unknown
Deck: Unknown
Personality: Arigen has a stern and solemn personality. He has little patience for people who don't do things seriously.
Hobbies: Unknown
Likes: Peace and quiet
Dislikes: Wasting time, relying too much on others
[b]Tsukiko[/b]
Age: 19
Hair color: Black
Eye color: light brown
Height: 5''8
Favorite/Signature Card: Unknown
Deck: Unknown
Personality: Tsukiko is a warm-hearted and open person. Although her brashness can lead to tricky situations, often times her actions do more good than hram.
Hobbies: Drawing, daydreaming, and practicing athletics
Likes: Sunny days and tea
Dislikes:Rainy days, sad scenes, and bitter tasting foods
Well, that's all for now. Give me some comments!
[/quote]
Why exactly do you need to give us this information like this. A good writer does not need to do this, since all that information should be able to be worked into the story. Readers want to learn about your characters through how they interact with others. They don't want to be told by some 'God' in the story.

It looks like you can take this somewhere, I'd like to see (read) where exactly that is.

Divine Chaos · August 25, 2011

Hey, can anyone give me some feedback here? I need some motivation!

Synchronized · August 26, 2011

Before I can read this, do me a favor.

Spell check and space.

It looks like your enter key is broken, and it's a giant text block. If you can fix it, I'll read it and give you some feedback.

Synchronized · August 26, 2011

[center][center] [/center][/center]
[left][left][img]http://i242.photobucket.com/albums/ff244/InvertRemix/Untitled-3.png[/img]
[b]Prologue[/b]

A young man with silvery hair floated about, drifting in a dimension of colors that distorted in one corner, but shone brilliantly in the next.

[i]I'm thinking you've overdone the description a bit to start. I'm a fan of "show, don't tell", but this is overkill. There's a difference between effectively using description to create a compelling hook, and just throwing a bunch of adjectives down there. This is the latter.[/i]

He was not watching the dimension, however. His eyes were closed, and his mind was calm and composed. He knew none would disturb him, for none knew where he was, save his colleagues. This was not the first time he had been to the dimension either, nor would it be the last. Coming here allowed him to reach outward with his mind, to feel things beyond what he or anyone could sense.

[i]This is better. You don't completely explain what the dimension is and how it works, which I assume will come later (perhaps even below), yet it's not overly descriptive like the opening was.[/i]

His mind began to roam again, searching for any trace of what lay before him. For moments, he felt nothing. Then a tiny wormhole of light shone through, and he pushed outward into it, sending his mind spiraling into a vortex of images, emotions, and words. The jumbled mass began to press in on him, but he held out his hands and the storm halted instantly. The web of tangled substances would have taken nearly an eternity for anyone to decipher, but for him it took mere seconds for him to unravel the meanings of all the things floating around him. At first, he saw nothing again. Then the full force of what was around forced itself to the forefront of his mind.

[i]Something about this, I don't like. I'm not sure what, but it just seems too clustered. You've got some transition, but then it becomes blocky and makes it almost difficult to want to continue reading.[/i]

He saw 3 Duelists, 2 boys and a girl, in an otherwise empty alley. One of the boys and the girl lay slumped against the wall, lifeless. The other boy was struggling to get to his feet. Then an enormous knight in pitch-black armor appeared over him. The knight raised its arm as if to impale the boy upon his sword. Suddenly, the image changed again and he beheld an enormous city that seemed to be enjoying a peaceful day. But barely an instant later, dark clouds enveloped the sky, and an ever-growing explosion rocked the city, destroying from the center outward, until the city lay in ruins except for a single building, which was near the very edge of the city. The image zoomed in toward the tower and on top of it stood a group of people. Their faces were obscured, but they all radiated an ominous power, a dark shroud that engulfed each individual member in near darkness. In quick succession, the images flashed past him, each even more grim than the preceding ones.

[i]This one I like. The description is down pat, and it gets the reader thinking because you certainly create a few questions here.[/i]

At long last, after the last of the visions began to fade, the young man took a deep breath. He knew what he had seen. The visions were a collection of both present and future times.

[i]I'm not sure I'd want to hear this, per se. I'd rather you pace this out, don't automatically tell us it's the past AND the future, say one or the other. If it's the past, start with the past and work your way towards what happens. It's fine to leave that paragraph in, but don't actually say it's the future. Keep the readers guessing so they'll be more inclined to read the next chapter.[/i]

Each was a possible fate and each held both grief and joy for those involved. Sorrow, anger, hatred, happiness, mercy, love; all was hashed together in a roiling mass. He knew that all the ends he had seen were possible, but he also knew that future sight could also be highly unreliable. And yet…

[i]So if it's unreliable, it's not actually the future, then? I suppose that makes more sense. Still, I think you should pick your words more carefully. Just because you know big words, doesn't mean you have to use them all. Try to give the story a combination of flow and description so I don't feel like I'm reading Picasso's version of a dictionary.[/i]

As he sat, contemplating what he knew and what he could deduce of the visions, he felt a disturbance behind him and knew that someone else had entered the dimension. He turned around. It was a tall, broad-shouldered man. He wore a black coat and a white shirt underneath with long casual pants. He was powerfully built and carried himself with ease.

[i]This is something I do all the time, too, so I know how bad it can look. You don't need to completely describe every aspect of the person he sees. For example, you could've left out the "white shirt underneath part", and technically you didn't even need the "casual" part of the pants. As a reader, all we need is a brief description to form an image in our heads. Still, it's very well done, and just once or twice is actually good. Try not to get in the habit, though, or telling us their entire attire.[/i]

“Have you finished?” he asked. The teen nodded. “It’s a lot worse than I thought. We’ll have to intervene somewhere along the line, Arigen.” The man frowned. “Are you sure? We could betray our position, and the enemy will definitely recognize our handiwork.”

[i]Ah. Questions without answers. I like it, for now. Like I said, keeps us guessing.[/i]

“That’s why we’ll have to be careful,” a woman’s voice replied. Arigen and the young man turned to see a young woman step into the dimension through what seemed like a ripple in the walls. She was dressed very simply in a long black dress and a pair of black boots. Her long dark hair fanned out as she tossed back her head.

[i]This description is great. That's exactly how you should introduce a new character. Quick, simple, and to the point, yet effective enough that I can picture it without an issue.[/i]

“Though there’s no real point in hiding if it’s HEX we’re dealing with. They may be strong, but they’re nothing we can’t handle.” The silvery haired teen shook his head. “HEX isn’t what we’ve got to deal with. In fact, several of their members are among the Divided.” Arigen raised an eyebrow. “Even so, leaving this matter in the Divided’s hands leaves a bad taste to my mouth. They’re formidable, but also unpredictable.” The woman sighed. “Does it matter? If he says so,” and here she gestured at the teen, “then we do it. That’s how it goes. But honestly, I don’t see a point in hiding. It’s irritating, and besides, it’s not like we’re criminals!”

[i]So I'm a bit confused. Are HEX the bad guys? Are the Divided the good guys? And if so, why are they mixed? And what exactly is it that makes them unpredictable. I know you've got a glossary at the end of this, but good writing doesn't need a glossary mid-story. Perhaps at the end, but I shouldn't have to go read a description to know what HEX is or isn't; same with the Divided.[/i]

Arigen sighed. “Your brashness will get all killed one day.” The woman glared at him. Before they began arguing, the young man raised his hands and both of them stopped. He had been floating the entire time, but now had settled onto the ground. He stretched for a moment, and then grinning, said, “Well, there’s no point of trying to hide. If our enemies find us,” and here, his grin became almost feral, “We’ll crush them. That’s all.” He held his arm out and a hole opened within one of the walls of the dimension, allowing them to exit. “Arigen, Tsukiko, I grant you free reign.” He and his two companions stepped out of the dimension and into the outskirts of a bustling city. Even though they had just stepped out from what seemed like thin air, the people paid no attention. Tsukiko suddenly grabbed the silvery-haired teen’s shoulder. “What are you going to use as your name this time? Although I agree there’s no point in deception, but having no name or a weird answer will raise a lot of inconveniences that we don’t need.” The teen shrugged. “I’ve already considered that. My name will be the same as it always was.” He walked a few more paces before stopping and turning with the thumb of his right hand pointing at his chest. At a volume just loud enough for them, but not the people walking around them to hear, he said, “My name is Rai.”

[b][i]Well, let's see. I don't think it was bad at all. A little short, maybe? But again, I've done that myself, so I'm not going to criticize the length because you've created the start of a compelling story. I think the one issue I had, and it's almost difficult to believe I'm going to say this, was you might've overdone the descriptions a little bit. We need enough of an image to really picture it in our heads, but not so much that we have to stop and take a second glance just to understand everything you're trying to convey.[/i]

[i]It's definitely a good start, and I'd be glad to come back and take a look at the first Episode once you finish it.[/i]

[i]Until then, Happy Writing![/i]

[i]On a side note, perhaps you'd enjoy taking a look at my own writing and leaving your thoughts? [/i][url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/251715-ygo-hidden-legacy-season-3-episode-9-dark-beginning-posted/"]http://forum.yugiohc...ginning-posted/[/url]f[/b]
[/left][/left]

Divine Chaos · August 30, 2011

Sorry it took longer for this chapter. I had half of the chapter written before I decided that it wasn't good the way it was, so I rewrote the thing. Also, the power went out on Sunday, so I couldn't go on my computer to type. Well, enjoy! Give me comments, too. Thanks!
[spoiler=Chapter 1]
[b][u]A Fierce Clash of Rolling Thunder![/u][/b]
A light breeze swept across the streets and out over the fields of grass lining the roads of the small town. It was a cool wind, but not unpleasantly so. Even after the breeze had left, it still left the grass looking ruffled, as well as a certain teenager’s hair.

Hiroto Mochizuki lay propped against a tree, his head lolling to the side. He looked as though he had dozed off, except for his right eye, which he kept open the whole while. After a moment of hesitation, he slowly got to his feet and stretched.

Hiroto wasn’t quite what one would describe as fit. He was tall, but thin, and although, not scrawny, he was still a little on the wiry side. His attire consisted of merely a silver shirt embossed with a logo, a pair of blue jeans, and sneakers.

He looked up at the sky, wondering how the weather would be. Then suddenly, he shook his head, as though the thought of such trivial matters offended him. Running his fingers through his hair, he smiled wryly. 4 years ago, he had started a career as one of the youngest ever Pro Duelists. Now, he was no more than an average citizen.

“Bro!” a voice cried out. As Hiroto turned in the direction it had come from, a young boy of about 11 ran up to him, panting. “What’s up, Kyle?” Hiroto asked. Kyle held up a Deck of Duel Monsters cards.

“I managed to finish that new deck,” he said, excitement evident on his face. Hiroto raised an eyebrow. “I take it your main deck isn’t complete?” Kyle shook his head. “Nah, I still don’t have several of the essential pieces. But that doesn’t matter; this deck should be enough to beat you.”

He pulled out his Duel Disk and activated it. Hiroto ran a hand through his hair again, and then pulled his Disk on as well. Both Duelist slid their decks into the Deck slot and drew their opening hands. “I’ll let you go first,” Hiroto remarked.

“Well then, I’ll play Voltic Lancer in attack mode!” A warrior clad in armor embossed with a lightning symbol appeared on the field. He twirled his spear and slammed it into the ground while his stats flashed: 1700 ATK and 1500 DEF.

“I’ll also use this,” Kyle declared, as a card depicting an armored being bursting out of a bolt of lightning flipped onto the field. “Conflicting Spark! With this card, I can Special Summon a Level 3 or lower Thunder monster to the field. I choose Lightning Enforcer!” A new monster leapt to the field. This one wore armor similar to the earlier monster, but carried two medium sized shields instead of a weapon. Its stats were 1400 ATK and 1700 DEF.

“I’ll place this card face down and call it a turn.” Kyle finished. Hiroto drew a card. “Then I’ll start my turn with this, Mechanus Force-Assault Sniper in attack mode!” A humanoid robot appeared. It crouched and slung its large rifle over its shoulder and into a shooting position.

Hiroto then held up another card. “I’ll also activate Hyper-sonic Warp! Thanks to this card, a Machine-type monster with 1500 ATK or less ATK can be played straight from my hand. So meet Flame Charger!” A metallic dragon with a prismatic red cube in its center flew onto the field. With its 1500 ATK, it was a little weak, but enough for what Hiroto had planned.

“When I have another Machine monster on the field, I can Special Summon my Andro Unit in attack mode.” Hiroto placed his third monster onto the Duel Disk. An android with the form of a young boy launched himself onto the battlefield and landed. 1000 ATK and 800 DEF came up next to him.

“I will now tune my Flame Charger and Andro Unit,” Hiroto said, and the two monsters obliged, bringing forth a much stronger machine. As it landed on the field, Hiroto said, “Say hello to my Mechanus Force- Burnclaw!” The large robot before him wore futuristic armor with flame patterns and had long claws at the ends of its wrists. His stats were quite impressive for a Level 5: 2400 ATK and 2000 DEF.

“Now, both my monsters attack!” Burnclaw slashed at Lightning Enforcer, while Assault Sniper fired off multiple blasts at Voltic Lancer. The resulting explosions brought Kyle’s life points down a notch. (LP: 4000-1100=2900)
“I’ll play a facedown to end it off. Your move,” Hiroto said.

Kyle drew his next card. A wide grin split his face. “All right, first off is this! The magic card Boltage Overload! While I control no monsters, I can special summon one Level 7 or 8 Light Attribute monster from my Deck. So prepare to meet a legend!” He raised his hand into the air as a bolt of lightning struck the ground, illuminating the large monster that slowly descended from the air.

The dragon was silvery-blue in color, with long white wings, curved talons, and two eyes of a bright green shade. Lightning flashed in its mouth, and it loosed a mighty roar as it came down next to Kyle. “This is Gigavolt Dominator!” Kyle exclaimed triumphantly. Hiroto gave a whistle. “Well, you sure don’t see stuff like that every day.”

Gigavolt Dominator had indeed become a legendary card. It was originally intended to be the cover card for a new pack, Sky-Rending Thunder, and therefore just a normal Ultimate/Ghost Rare. However, a strange glitch in the coding caused nearly all of the printed versions to not only have the wrong rarity scheme, but to also become incapable of functioning correctly on Duel Disks. Soon after complaints began to break out, Industrial Illusions got onto the scene and began to correct the issue. The few working editions that were released had their rarity changed to Secret and became nearly worth as much as cards like the Signer dragons.

“Gigavolt Dominator, attack his Assault Sniper!” Kyle ordered. The dragon obliged, sending a torrent of lightning toward the humanoid being, which exploded into flames. “His effect,” Kyle added, “inflicts damage to you equal to the destroyed monster’s defense points.” Hiroto winced as the blast hit him (LP: 4000-1500=2500)
“It’s not over yet, because I use Diffusing Dimensions!” Suddenly Gigavolt Dominator turned transparent and split into half. “This card,” Kyle continued, “allows me to remove from play one monster on my side of the field and Special Summon monsters of the same attribute whose total levels equal that of the removed monster.”
Hiroto smiled grimly. It was a good plan. The monster summoned by Boltage Overload would be destroyed in the End Phase. By removing it from play with another card, he could bypass the destruction and gain a new advantage.

“Come to the field, Thunder Imperial and Spark Fairy!” Kyle shouted. Two monsters dropped down from the sky. One was a large, muscular being with long translucent wings sprouting from his back, while the other was a small elfin like creature who flitted about. The larger had 2600 ATK and 2000 DEF; the smaller only displayed 1000 ATK and 500 DEF.

“Since my Battle Phase isn’t over yet,” Kyle pointed at Hiroto, “bring him down a notch, guys!” Thunder Imperial pounded Burnclaw into the dust while Spark Fairy slammed Hiroto head on. As he was knocked to the ground, his life points took an even further dip. (LP: 2500-1200=1300)

“Spark Fairy’s effect activates! When he inflicts damage to my opponent through a direct attack, I can remove him from play, along with my entire hand, to Special Summon one removed from play monster to my side of the field during my opponents next Battle Phase!”

[i]So,[/i] thought Hiroto, [i]he’s going to bring back Gigavolt Dominator during my Battle Phase. A monster that can’t be destroyed by my Spell or Trap cards, it can also negate its destruction through a monster effect or by battle once per turn. A near impenetrable wall. But…[/i]

“I activate my facedown card!” Hiroto said. “Emergency Fleet! When I control no monsters at the end of my opponent’s turn, I can Special Summon Machine Monsters equal to the number of monsters destroyed this turn! Therefore I summon Mechanus Force- Silver Blade and Mechanus Force- Blitz Striker.”
The two appeared on the field, one swinging his laser blade with a flourish, the other taking several swings at the air. Attack points of 1800 and 1700 flashed next to them respectively.

Kyle grinned. “Even so, those won’t last you for more than one turn if you stick to defense.” Hiroto smiled as he drew a card. “You may be wrong.”

“I will play my Spell card, Alternate Gateway! If I only control Level 4 or below monsters while my opponent has at least one Level 6 or higher, all monsters on my field can attack directly this turn.” Kyle’s face paled. “But that would mean…” He did the math for a moment. “Aw, man!”

“That’s right. Both of my monsters attack you directly.” Hiroto pointed, and the two machines leapt through a portal and out in front of Kyle. Kyle backpedaled frantically. “But Thunder Imperial reduces all damage over one thousand to one thousand,” he protested, “so I won’t lose this turn.” The two monsters struck at him, leaving his life points at a low 900.

“Blitz Striker’s effect activates. When Blitz Striker inflicts Battle Damage, by removing from play one Machine Type monster in my Graveyard, I can give you damage equal to that monster’s attack points. The card I choose is Andro Unit!” Hiroto held up the card. At the same time, Blitz Striker drew back his arm and threw an uppercut at Kyle, knocking him flying. As he hit the ground, his life points dropped to 0.

Kyle got to his feet with a bit of a pout on his face. “I guess I can’t beat you without my main deck after all.” Hiroto shrugged. “You still managed to put up quite a fight, so no problem. I’m looking forward to seeing your real deck.” Kyle nodded. “You won’t be disappointed.”

After Kyle ran off, Hiroto looked up at the sky again. This time, he noticed some dark clouds edging toward the area. “Looks like we’re in for some rain,” he remarked to no one in particular and began to walk off toward the card shop, wondering what he might find there today.

At the same time…
Two people stood in front of the main headquarters of Sector Security. The one on the left, who was garbed in a long black cloak, threw back her hood to expose her long golden hair. “Can I have a little fun this time?” she asked her companion. “It’s really not enjoyable if no one suffers…” She lingered on the word, as if relishing it and its meaning.

The boy next to her wore a long blue shirt with the collar up and black jeans. He seemed rather bored, whether with the whole world or something else was indistinguishable. He shrugged. “Don’t go overboard this time, Dlaecia. Your abilities tend to attract more trouble than you’re worth.”

Dlaecia glowered at him. “I’m seriously considering killing you first, Reiji.” Reiji looked indifferent. “Let’s go.” He headed off toward the building. Dlaecia followed moments later. Overhead, as if in warning of a malevolent force, a thunderbolt flashed through the sky.

Next time…
[i]Darkness closes in overhead...[/i]
[i]The serpent bares its fangs…[/i]
[i]But who is the one to fall?[/i]
Glossary:
No key terms this time
[u]Character Guide[/u]
Hiroto Mochizuki
Age: 15
Hair color: dark blue
Eye color: light brown
Height: 6’’2
Weight: 167 lbs.
Favorite/Signature Card: Unknown
Deck: Mechanus Force
Personality: Hiroto is a calm person and cheerful person; not easily taken to anger. However, he can be rather lax at times. When he Duels seriously, he becomes entirely different. Although he can seem aloof, he is friendly and has a strong sense of justice.
Hobbies: Drawing, relaxing, and reading
Likes: Dueling, being with his friends
Dislikes: Injustice, havoc, and loud noises

Kyle Ashford
Age: 11
Hair color: Brown
Eye color: green
Height: 5’’2
Weight: 135 lbs.
Favorite/Signature Card: Gigavolt Dominator
Main Deck: Unknown
Other Decks: Thunder
Personality: Kyle is a happy-go-lucky sort of person. He can doubt himself at times, but pulls himself back together with ease. He also wants to become a Champion so people will realize his potential.
Hobbies: Collecting cards and watching anime
Likes: Exciting events, difficult Duels
Dislikes: Boredom, being looked down at [/spoiler]

Agro · August 31, 2011

Here are the main points I ran into:[list]
[*]Double check you Paragraphs to make sure that they're all spaced.
[*]If you take an ACT course, you're suggested to read the sentence compositions by pausing for an exaggerated amount of time when you reach a comma. If the pause is extremely awkward, it lets you know whether or not the comma should even be there. Make sure to keep that in mind as you write each sentence.
[*]Make sure you're not getting too cliché'd, those black cloaked guys at the end were... unfortunate.
[/list]
Also, based on your last two paragraphs and the preview for the next chapter, I would like to give you a title for your next chapter:
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: YUGIOH STYLE.

Divine Chaos · August 31, 2011

Uh, I'm not sure whether to take your last comment as a joke or not. That wouldn't fit either way.

Agro · August 31, 2011

The prior. Obviously.

Not-so-Radiant Arin · August 31, 2011

Don't get discouraged by the lack of comments. This forum is usually more dead than its other counterparts. There are only a few avid readers on here, like me, who would take time to comment on the various fan-fics in this forum, but there are readers. Comments does not necessarily mean progress.

Divine Chaos · August 31, 2011

could you give a comment then?

Not-so-Radiant Arin · August 31, 2011

[size=7][font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif]Going Along with the Trend: "[color=#FF0000]Devil's Advocate's [/color]"Foe Fiction""[/font][/size]

[b][color=#FF0000][font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Today I, Dante, was browsing the Fan-Fic forum, looking for something to pass the time, when I stumbled upon the story "Yugioh Fate of the Divided". Already I could tell that there is going to be problems with this. Shouldn't there be a comma or an exclamation point somewhere in there? My thoughts exactly. Anyways, it seems that the writer is looking for a little bit of commenting on his story. Well then, let's delve right into it, shall we?[/font][/font][/color][/b]

[i]A light breeze swept across the streets and out over the fields of grass lining the roads of the small town. It was a cool wind, but not unpleasantly so. Even after the breeze had left, it still left the grass looking ruffled, as well as a certain teenager’s hair.[/i]

[color=#FF0000]Any more descriptive and I would have mistaken this as a western story, except with all of the grass and such. Next thing you know it, we'll be saddling up with our cowboy uniforms and riding off into the sun(rise?). Another prime example of butchering the "show, don't tell" clause.[/color]

[i]Hiroto Mochizuki lay propped against a tree, his head lolling to the side. [/i]

[color=#FF0000]I loled.[/color]

[i]He looked as though he had dozed off, except for his right eye, which he kept open the whole while.[/i]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][color=#FF0000]How is that even possible that this guy can sleep with one eye open? Is this a Gandalf impersonation from Lord of the Rings?[/color][/font][/font]

[i][font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Hiroto wasn’t quite what one would describe as fit. He was tall, but thin, and although, not scrawny, he was still a little on the wiry side. His attire consisted of merely a silver shirt embossed with a logo, a pair of blue jeans, and sneakers.[/font][/font][/i]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][color=#FF0000]And here is where being naturally descriptive is A+ for fan-fics. Although the grammar and punctuation in this sentence could use some work. The structure of the first sentence is so awkward, it was worse than the time I smacked a demon's head with a baseball bat into a china shop. There are lots of unnecessary commas in the second sentence, making it sort of run-on-ish, but you did a good job in conveying what the kid was wearing. By the way, you mentioned his hair in the first paragraph, but what color is it? (Obvious nitpicking)[/color][/font][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][i]He looked up at the sky, wondering how the weather would be. Then suddenly, he shook his head, as though the thought of such trivial matters offended him.[/i][/font][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][color=#FF0000]Haven't you ever seen the movie "The Day After Tomorrow"? You can never be too sure of the weather. It SNOWED in New York City. And why would it be trivial? It's not a big deal to him if he ends up ruining his favorite shirt because he was caught in a downpour which also washed away a tree trunk?[/color][/font][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][i]4 years ago, he had started a career as one of the youngest ever Pro Duelists. Now, he was no more than an average citizen.[/i][/font][/font]

[font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][color=#FF0000]Wow, this guy was pro back in the day. How could someone who was in his prime back in the day become so naiive and uncaring? Plot Jump twists like this are what really drive readers and writers apart; it is your responsibility to show that to us.[/color][/font][/font]

[i][font=trebuchet ms,helvetica,sans-serif][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]“Bro!” a voice cried out.[/font][/font][/i]

[color=#FF0000]Because being called "Bro" is so formal.[/color]

[i]As Hiroto turned in the direction it had come from, a young boy of about 11 ran up to him, panting. “What’s up, Kyle?” Hiroto asked. Kyle held up a Deck of Duel Monsters cards.[/i]

[color=#FF0000]I'm pretty sure you meant to seperate the lines of dialogue here. If not, then I will pray to you during the night, my friend, in hopes of finding another writer who can put up with those kinds of mistakes.[/color]

[i]“I managed to finish that new deck,” he said, excitement evident on his face. Hiroto raised an eyebrow. “I take it your main deck isn’t complete?” Kyle shook his head. “Nah, I still don’t have several of the essential pieces. But that doesn’t matter; this deck should be enough to beat you.”[/i]

[color=#FF0000]Oh dear me. This is just..............wow. I have the sudden urge to be like Crab Helmet now. It's called seperation. Lots of couples do it, and lots of writers on the YCM forums should do it, too.[/color]

[i]He pulled out his Duel Disk and activated it. Hiroto ran a hand through his hair again, and then pulled his Disk on as well. Both Duelist slid their decks into the Deck slot and drew their opening hands. “I’ll let you go first,” Hiroto remarked.[/i]

[color=#FF0000]Okay, so now these two kids are dueling. Why exactly?[/color]

[color=#FF0000]Dueling isn't about who the people are or where the duel takes place. It's about WHY they are dueling. I have yet to see the reason why they are dueling at this point. Sure Kyle is testing his Deck, but is he going to be a major role in this story? Is he going to save mankind whilst building up his most powerful Deck in all of Duel Monsters? If not, you've wasted my time.[/color]

[i]“Well then, I’ll play Voltic Lancer in attack mode!” A warrior clad in armor embossed with a lightning symbol appeared on the field. He twirled his spear and slammed it into the ground while his stats flashed: 1700 ATK and 1500 DEF.[/i]

[color=#FF0000]So, were they wearing D-Gazers or something? The one paradox about the anime in dueling is that we, the audience, know about the monster's stats, but the characters in the anime do not do so. You ever thought about that?[/color]

[i]“I’ll also use this,” Kyle declared, as a card depicting an armored being bursting out of a bolt of lightning flipped onto the field. “Conflicting Spark! With this card, I can Special Summon a Level 3 or lower Thunder monster to the field. I choose Lightning Enforcer!” A new monster leapt to the field. This one wore armor similar to the earlier monster, but carried two medium sized shields instead of a weapon. Its stats were 1400 ATK and 1700 DEF.[/i]

[color=#FF0000]So it's clear that this duelist is using his own brand of custom cards. Where the hell are the links or the spoilers?[/color]

[i]“I’ll place this card face down and call it a turn.” Kyle finished. Hiroto drew a card. “Then I’ll start my turn with this, Mechanus Force-Assault Sniper in attack mode!” A humanoid robot appeared. It crouched and slung its large rifle over its shoulder and into a shooting position[/i][color=#FF0000].[/color]

[color=#FF0000]Oh god....where is my sword?[/color]

[i]Hiroto then held up another card. “I’ll also activate Hyper-sonic Warp! Thanks to this card, a Machine-type monster with 1500 ATK or less ATK can be played straight from my hand. So meet Flame Charger!” A metallic dragon with a prismatic red cube in its center flew onto the field. With its 1500 ATK, it was a little weak, but enough for what Hiroto had planned.[/i]

[color=#FF0000]Random paragraph break is random. If Hiroto was still commencing his move, why would you suddenly throw a paragraph break in there? And BTW, "Hyper-sonic Warp" is a broken card, because it allows for instant Synchro Summoning with Genex monsters.[/color]

[i]“When I have another Machine monster on the field, I can Special Summon my Andro Unit in attack mode.” Hiroto placed his third monster onto the Duel Disk. An android with the form of a young boy launched himself onto the battlefield and landed. 1000 ATK and 800 DEF came up next to him.[/i]

[i]“I will now tune my Flame Charger and Andro Unit,” Hiroto said, and the two monsters obliged, bringing forth a much stronger machine. As it landed on the field, Hiroto said, “Say hello to my Mechanus Force- Burnclaw!” The large robot before him wore futuristic armor with flame patterns and had long claws at the ends of its wrists. His stats were quite impressive for a Level 5: 2400 ATK and 2000 DEF.[/i]

[color=#FF0000]I wonder what this monster's effect is? Oh wait, there aren't any spoilers so I don't know. Guess there must be some drawback to this immensely powerful monster. Otherwise, I'm going with the impression that, it too, is broken. [/color]

[i]Now, both my monsters attack!” Burnclaw slashed at Lightning Enforcer, while Assault Sniper fired off multiple blasts at Voltic Lancer. The resulting explosions brought Kyle’s life points down a notch. (LP: 4000-1100=2900)[/i]

[color=#FF0000]And now, here is the obligatory math lesson.......[/color]

[i]Kyle drew his next card. A wide grin split his face. “All right, first off is this! The magic card Boltage Overload! While I control no monsters, I can special summon one Level 7 or 8 Light Attribute monster from my Deck. So prepare to meet a legend!” He raised his hand into the air as a bolt of lightning struck the ground, illuminating the large monster that slowly descended from the air.[/i]

[color=#FF0000]Oh, because that's not broken at all to suddenly Summon one of the most powerful monsters in this kid's Deck. By the way, why are these two dueling again? We haven't gotten to that point yet? Then, why should I continue to read this?[/color]

[i]The dragon was silvery-blue in color, with long white wings, curved talons, and two eyes of a bright green shade. Lightning flashed in its mouth, and it loosed a mighty roar as it came down next to Kyle. “This is Gigavolt Dominator!” Kyle exclaimed triumphantly. Hiroto gave a whistle. “Well, you sure don’t see stuff like that every day.”[/i]

[color=#FF0000]One arrogant Duelist in the bag. Hi, Jack Atlas! Also, seperation of lines of dialogue.[/color]

[i]Gigavolt Dominator had indeed become a legendary card. It was originally intended to be the cover card for a new pack, Sky-Rending Thunder, and therefore just a normal Ultimate/Ghost Rare. However, a strange glitch in the coding caused nearly all of the printed versions to not only have the wrong rarity scheme, but to also become incapable of functioning correctly on Duel Disks. Soon after complaints began to break out, Industrial Illusions got onto the scene and began to correct the issue. The few working editions that were released had their rarity changed to Secret and became nearly worth as much as cards like the Signer dragons.[/i]

[color=#FF0000]Was all this really necessary? Just say that it was an incredibly powerful dragon and get back to the Duel.[/color]

[i]“Gigavolt Dominator, attack his Assault Sniper!” Kyle ordered. The dragon obliged, sending a torrent of lightning toward the humanoid being, which exploded into flames. “His effect,” Kyle added, “inflicts damage to you equal to the destroyed monster’s defense points.” Hiroto winced as the blast hit him (LP: 4000-1500=2500)[/i]
[i]“It’s not over yet, because I use Diffusing Dimensions!” Suddenly Gigavolt Dominator turned transparent and split into half. “This card,” Kyle continued, “allows me to remove from play one monster on my side of the field and Special Summon monsters of the same attribute whose total levels equal that of the removed monster.”[/i]
[i]Hiroto smiled grimly. It was a good plan. The monster summoned by Boltage Overload would be destroyed in the End Phase. By removing it from play with another card, he could bypass the destruction and gain a new advantage.[/i]

[color=#FF0000]And here is one big paragraph.......[/color]

[color=#FF0000]SEPERATION![/color]

[i]“Come to the field, Thunder Imperial and Spark Fairy!” Kyle shouted. Two monsters dropped down from the sky. One was a large, muscular being with long translucent wings sprouting from his back, while the other was a small elfin like creature who flitted about. The larger had 2600 ATK and 2000 DEF; the smaller only displayed 1000 ATK and 500 DEF.[/i]

[i]“Since my Battle Phase isn’t over yet,” Kyle pointed at Hiroto, “bring him down a notch, guys!” Thunder Imperial pounded Burnclaw into the dust while Spark Fairy slammed Hiroto head on. As he was knocked to the ground, his life points took an even further dip. (LP: 2500-1200=1300)[/i]

[color=#FF0000]Oh no. It appears that our mystery Duelist is attempting an OTK. Where have I heard this before? Oh yea, Hi Jack Atlas![/color]

[i]So, thought Hiroto, [i]he’s going to bring back Gigavolt Dominator during my Battle Phase. A monster that can’t be destroyed by my Spell or Trap cards, it can also negate its destruction through a monster effect or by battle once per turn. A near impenetrable wall. But…[/i][/i]

[color=#FF0000]And finally, I figure what this near-indestructible monster can do. Congratulations on conveying your monster's effects so much. Now get back to work.[/color]

[i]“I activate my facedown card!” Hiroto said. “Emergency Fleet! When I control no monsters at the end of my opponent’s turn, I can Special Summon Machine Monsters equal to the number of monsters destroyed this turn! Therefore I summon Mechanus Force- Silver Blade and Mechanus Force- Blitz Striker.”[/i]
[i]The two appeared on the field, one swinging his laser blade with a flourish, the other taking several swings at the air. Attack points of 1800 and 1700 flashed next to them respectively.[/i]

[color=#FF0000]Wow, that's so descriptive. I really must commend you, person who I do not know, for being able to explain your monsters so in-depth and fluently. Also, you know I'm going to say it, so I'm not going to. But just in case you didn't get the hint the first thousand times: Seperation.[/color]

[i]Kyle grinned. “Even so, those won’t last you for more than one turn if you stick to defense.” Hiroto smiled as he drew a card. “You may be wrong.”[/i]

[i]“I will play my Spell card, Alternate Gateway! If I only control Level 4 or below monsters while my opponent has at least one Level 6 or higher, all monsters on my field can attack directly this turn.” Kyle’s face paled. “But that would mean…” He did the math for a moment. “Aw, man!”[/i]

[url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gENVB6tjq_M"][color=#FF0000]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gENVB6tjq_M[/color][/url]

[i]“That’s right. Both of my monsters attack you directly.” Hiroto pointed, and the two machines leapt through a portal and out in front of Kyle. Kyle backpedaled frantically. “But Thunder Imperial reduces all damage over one thousand to one thousand,” he protested, “so I won’t lose this turn.” The two monsters struck at him, leaving his life points at a low 900.[/i]

[i]“Blitz Striker’s effect activates. When Blitz Striker inflicts Battle Damage, by removing from play one Machine Type monster in my Graveyard, I can give you damage equal to that monster’s attack points. The card I choose is Andro Unit!” Hiroto held up the card. At the same time, Blitz Striker drew back his arm and threw an uppercut at Kyle, knocking him flying. As he hit the ground, his life points dropped to 0.[/i]

[color=#FF0000]That's it? It's over? What did I miss?[/color]

[i]Kyle got to his feet with a bit of a pout on his face. “I guess I can’t beat you without my main deck after all.” Hiroto shrugged. “You still managed to put up quite a fight, so no problem. I’m looking forward to seeing your real deck.” Kyle nodded. “You won’t be disappointed.”[/i]

[color=#FF0000]I'm......somewhat........glad that the Duel ended up the way it did. Still, it doesn't explain why Kyle wanted to Duel in the first place.[/color]

[i]After Kyle ran off, Hiroto looked up at the sky again. This time, he noticed some dark clouds edging toward the area. “Looks like we’re in for some rain,” he remarked to no one in particular and began to walk off toward the card shop, wondering what he might find there today.[/i]

[color=#FF0000]And this is the same guy that said he didn't care about what the weather was going to turn out to be! [/color]

[i]At the same time…[/i]

[color=#FF0000]Oh goody, an obvious and completely worthless time skip.[/color]

[color=#FF0000][color=#FF0000]Where the hell is my sword?[/color][/color]

[color=#000000][i]Two people stood in front of the main headquarters of Sector Security. The one on the left, who was garbed in a long black cloak, threw back her hood to expose her long golden hair. “Can I have a little fun this time?” she asked her companion. “It’s really not enjoyable if no one suffers…” She lingered on the word, as if relishing it and its meaning.[/i][/color]

[i]The boy next to her wore a long blue shirt with the collar up and black jeans. He seemed rather bored, whether with the whole world or something else was indistinguishable. He shrugged. “Don’t go overboard this time, Dlaecia. Your abilities tend to attract more trouble than you’re worth.”[/i]

[i]Dlaecia glowered at him. “I’m seriously considering killing you first, Reiji.” Reiji looked indifferent. “Let’s go.” He headed off toward the building. Dlaecia followed moments later. Overhead, as if in warning of a malevolent force, a thunderbolt flashed through the sky.[/i]

[color=#FF0000]Wow, this girl sure is punk, huh? But then again, she is totally worthless if I don't know what position she is going to play in the next few chapters.[/color]

[color=#FF0000]And, oh look, there seems to be a glossary at the end of the Chapter for all of the dimwit fans who don't know what Duel Monsters is. Seriously, is this a rendition of Final Fantasy, where you are given new information on an enemy every time you kill it, or every time you pick up a new item? So then, the overall objective of the story is too not give an absolute care about the actual plot itself, and just read through to the end and read the glossary, thinking that all the dimwit numbskulls out there think that there is something special to gain at the end, like cookies or a ticket to Heaven.[/color]

[color=#FF0000][b]Overall, this was painful to look at, and even more painful to read. I almost wanted to chop my computer into confetti ever since I read the first paragraph of this story. It is obviously clear that you are (pretty) good at Grammar and keeping the pace of the story, but everything else just completely fell out from the sky and was really not worth it.[/b][/color]

[color=#FF0000][b]Next time, Nero and I shall both review one story side-by-side.[/b][/color]

Synchronized · August 31, 2011

It wasn't bad, but I can tell that's a theme because you're definitely not a bad writer.

First of all, you totally rushed into that duel. No sooner did the episode start, were the two already dueling. I have no idea who Kyle is and your glossary shouldn't be the only way to find out even anything about him. I understanding slowly unraveling plot details, but you went into it so fast that I had very little idea what was going on, or who Hiroto is, for that matter.

The duel was well written, though it was hard to really "get into" the duel because like I said, I didn't get any reason to root for either character. They seem somewhat bland early on.

Your description is really good, and I like how you described the monsters and the scenes in the duel - something I struggle with. That said, I agree with Aggro that the end was a bit cliche. It's okay to do that once in a while if you're leading up to something interesting, but don't make a habit of it because it will end up making your story far less enjoyable.

Gramatically, you did fine, though I would suggest separating speech, you know? When Hiroto's talking, have it in a separate paragraph than Kyle. It makes it less confusing.

So far, you've left me with a lot of questions, which is good. I'll be sure to check out Episode 2 once it's done.

PS: Perhaps you'd take a look at my FanFic as well; I'll definitely be following this and having a new reader for my own is definitely not something I'd complain about.

Divine Chaos · September 5, 2011

Bump.

Agro · September 5, 2011

Are you nearing completion of chapter 2?

Divine Chaos · September 5, 2011

Yeah, I have the whole chapter planned out, so it's no going to take too long. If I'm lucky, I can finish today!

Agro · September 5, 2011

Before posting it, remember:
1. Spacing
2. Pacing
3. Dialogue (do they sound realistic?)
4. Reread your story 2-3 times.
5. Proofread a 4th and 5th time.

Divine Chaos · September 9, 2011

OKay, as this chapter is taking a while, and as it's also coming along to be longer than 10 pages, I have decided to split it into several portions. Here is the first part for you all!

Chapter 2: Serpent's Sonata, Part 1
[spoiler=Chapter 2: Serpent's Sonata, Part 1]

As the pair walked into the lobby of the Sector Security building, Reiji glanced about uninterestedly, taking in the scenery of the various people milling about the area. Dlaecia glanced at him. “Well, you know the plan, right?”

Reiji rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. Assuming it’s the same plan where you ‘break’ in and get whatever it is we’re after while I cause a large and preferably destructive distraction and end up being assaulted by guards. If it’s that, then there’s no need to remind me.”

Dlaecia ignored the sarcasm and walked off toward a door conveniently marked with “Data Center-Classified”. Two Security officers noticed her and moved to impede her way. “Sorry miss, you can’t go through h…” one of the officers began, but he never finished. Dlaecia snapped her fingers, and both men were knocked flying by an invisible force, leaving them to slam headlong into nearby objects.

Ignoring the muttering of people behind her who had witnessed this, she walked up to the door and pulled at the handle. The door didn’t budge. Then she noticed the keycard slot next to the door. She made a face and closed her eyes, letting loose a flow of power from within her.
A moment later, she opened her eyes and walked right through the door into the room ahead. In the background, she noticed the sound of a brawl. Obviously, Reiji was beating up the Security. Ignoring that, she stepped inside.

There weren’t many officials in the room, and most were engrossed in their work. It took them a few moments to realize that a girl had just walked in through the door. An officer swung at her. Instead of hitting her though, his fist went through her as if it was air. He stared at it, dumfounded, until Dlaecia pointed at him and sent him crashing through a computer.

“Whoops,” she said as he passed through the table, “I forgot you’re not solid yet.” Shrugging, she strode through the room, passing through everyone as if they didn’t exist. As she neared the center of the enormous chamber, one of the workers dare to ask, “Wha…what are you?”

Without slowing she replied, “A lone human in a world of ghosts.” This wasn’t too far off the point, as Dlaecia had caused everything around her to become insubstantial, leaving them as little more than air. In that state, no one, unless she chose to, could harm, move, or even touch those who were unaffected by her unearthly ability.

Proceeding to a computer, she sat down and, hacking into the server, began downloading classified information, oblivious to the men behind her who were in a tumult of panic.

Back outside, Reiji had just finished taking down the officers who had tried going after Dlaecia when screams of terror began to issue from behind the doors of the data center. [i]So much for discretion, [/i]he thought. Sighing, he lifted his hand into the air palm up, and fired a blast of shadowy energy toward a chandelier set into the ceiling, which bust into pieces.

As fragments of glass rained down into the lobby, Reiji slammed his palm down onto the ground, creating a shockwave akin to a small earthquake, shaking the building. As the men around him tumbled about, Dlaecia came out of the data center and gestured toward the door. He nodded, and the two left together, not paying the slightest attention to the chaos they left behind.

Reiji yawned and swung his arms out, bored. This changed a moment later, when he noticed a teenager with brown hair sitting on [i]his [/i](Reiji’s) D-Wheel with his back to them. He turned as they came toward him and slipped his laptop into the bag at his side.

Reiji grinned. “Well, well,” he said, as he grabbed the front of the boy’s shirt, “I didn’t expect to see you around here, Daichi.”

Daichi Mikado made no response as he studied the changes time had made to his friend. Apart from the red streak along the fringe of his black hair, Reiji seemed just the same as ever.

“I was just wondering who was causing such a ruckus inside Sector Security,” he replied, “Obviously, I shouldn’t have bothered.” Reiji stepped back from him with a shrug. “What were you doing?”

Daichi smiled. “Nothing much. I’ve just jammed your D-Wheels, leaving you incapable of riding off on them.” Before Dlaecia could shout an expletive at him, Reiji cut in, “And I suppose there’s something we can do to lift this limitation?”

In response, Daichi slipped his hand into his pocket and removed his Deck. A malevolent smile crept onto Reiji’s face, darkening his features. “It seems you want to settle the dispute we had two years ago, eh?” he smirked. Daichi chose not answer, opting instead to activate his Duel Disk.

“So let me guess,” Reiji continued, “if I win, you let us go. If I lose…” Daichi’s mouth became a grim line. “You both turn yourselves in to Security, along with whatever you stole.” Reiji’s eyes narrowed. [i]So a fight for my right to freedom, is it?[/i] he thought, [i]how very much like you.[/i]

Dlaecia turned to Reiji. “Are you sure about this? I mean, if you get us caught…” Reiji shook his head. “It won’t come to that. But if it does,” and here he looked rather uneasy, “I probably won’t live long enough for a stint in prison.”

Dlaecia smiled, which was a rare sight. “Darn right, because I’d have to kill you for landing me in jail.” She slapped a hand across his back. “Go ahead. Do try to enjoy yourself, won’t you?”

Reiji turned and faced his opponent. Daichi was standing as though he didn’t have a care in the world. At the moment, he only had one. “Ready to go down?” he asked. “I’ve only one answer for that,” Reiji replied.

“Let’s Duel!” they both shouted, and activated their Duel Disks. Reiji drew his first hand and raised a finger in the air, indicating that he would go first. Daichi nodded.

“I summon Venominos Scorpion in Attack Mode,” Reiji declared as he slammed the card onto the field. A large black scorpion scuttled onto the field, clicking its pincers menacingly. Contrary to its appearance though, its stats weren’t much to speak of.
[spoiler=Venominos Scorpion]
EARTH/ Insect
Level 4
1500/1700[indent=1]If this card is attacked, the attacking monster loses 400 ATK during the Damage Step. [/spoiler]

[/indent]
[indent=1]“I’ll place a card facedown and end my turn,” Reiji finished. (hand count: 4) Daichi drew his card and glanced at his hand for a few moments. “I play Arcanea-Apprentice Knight!” A young boy, dressed in slightly overlarge armor appeared.

[/indent]
[indent=1][spoiler=Arcanea-Apprentice Knight]

[/indent]
[indent=1]Light/Warrior/Tuner

[/indent]
[indent=1]Level 3

[/indent]
[indent=1]1000/800

[/indent]
[indent=1]When this card is Normal Summoned successfully, Special Summon one Level 4 or below “Arcanea” monster from your hand. That monster cannot be used as a Synchro Material or Xyz Material monster. This monster gains 400 ATK for each face-up “Arcanea” monster on your side of the field.

[/indent]
[indent=1][/spoiler]

[/indent]
[indent=1]“His effect activates, allowing me to bring to the field a Level 4 or below Arcanea monster,” Daichi continued, “so I shall play Arcanea- Silence Magician.” A female mage leapt to the field and stood next to the young knight. “As you know, her effect won’t be useful yet, but my knight’s sure can! For each monster with the Arcanea title, he gains 400 ATK!” The young knight began to glow as his power increased to 1800.

[/indent]
[indent=1][spoiler=Arcanea-Silence Magician]

[/indent]
[indent=1]Dark/Spellcaster

[/indent]
[indent=1]Level 4

[/indent]
[indent=1]1700/1500

[/indent]
[indent=1]Once per turn, when your opponent activates a Trap card during the Battle Phase, you may discard one “Arcanea” monster to negate that card’s activation and destroy it.

[/indent]
[indent=1][/spoiler]

[/indent]
[indent=1]Daichi raised his arm and pointed at the scorpion on Reiji’s field. “Apprentice Knight, send that bug to the grave where it belongs. Sorcery Strike!” The young knight launched himself forward and swung at the scorpion, only to be skewered through the chest by its singer.

[/indent]
[indent=1]Reiji was chuckling across the field. “Nice try,” he said, “but my monster’s effect cuts your monster down by 400 points, so your amateur swordsman can go die.” Daichi gritted his teeth, but made no comment, instead placing two cards face down on the field. (hand count: 2)

[/indent]
[center][center] [/center][/center]
[center][center]
[/center][/center]
[center][center] [/center][/center]
[center][center]

[/center][/center]
[center][center] [/center][/center]
[center][center]
[/center][/center]
[center][center] [/center][/center]
[center][center]Reiji: 4000

[/center][/center]
[center][center] [/center][/center]
[center][center]
[/center][/center]
[center][center] [/center][/center]
[center][center]

[/center][/center]
[center][center] [/center][/center]
[center][center]
[/center][/center]
[center][center] [/center][/center]
[center][center]Daichi: 3900

[/center][/center]
[indent=1][i]So far so good, [/i]Reiji thought, [i]but it won’t be so easy; it never was, Dueling against Daichi.[/i] Reiji pulled his next card and surveyed it with distaste. “Che,” he muttered, “all right, I summon Venominos Hornet in attack position.” A large hornet flew down next to the scorpion and buzzed angrily.

[/indent]
[indent=1][spoiler=Venominos Hornet]

[/indent]
[indent=1]Wind/Insect

[/indent]
[indent=1]Level 4

[/indent]
[indent=1]1700/1300

[/indent]
[indent=1]When this card destroys an opponent’s monster by battle, inflict damage to your opponent equal to half of that monster’s ATK.

[/indent]
[indent=1][/spoiler]

[/indent]
[indent=1]“Now Hornet,” Reiji commanded, “go and kill his magician! Spearing Stinger!” The hornet buzzed forward, firing its stinger at the same time the magician raised her staff. A blast of arcane energy tore the winged insect in half, while the stinger pierced the mage, who fell with a strangled cry. The stinger continued on its way and stabbed into Daichi’s arm, in accordance to the monster’s effect.

[/indent]
[center][center] [/center][/center]
[center][center]
[/center][/center]
[center][center] [/center][/center]
[center][center]

[/center][/center]
[center][center] [/center][/center]
[center][center]
[/center][/center]
[center][center] [/center][/center]
[center][center]Reiji: 4000

[/center][/center]
[center][center] [/center][/center]
[center][center]
[/center][/center]
[center][center] [/center][/center]
[center][center]

[/center][/center]
[center][center] [/center][/center]
[center][center]
[/center][/center]
[center][center] [/center][/center]
[center][center]Daichi: 3050

[/center][/center]
[indent=1]“Don’t get too relieved just yet,” Reiji warned, “because now my Scorpion has a clear path. Take him down!” The armored insect scuttled across the field, clicking its claws the whole while. It stopped as a Trap card swung up in front of it.

[/indent]
[indent=1]“Knight’s Honor! When I’m directly attacked, I can use this to bring out an Arcanea warrior monster from the grave in defense mode in order to take the attack!” Daichi grabbed the card and played it. Arcanea- Apprentice Knight appeared and struggled briefly against the scorpion, before one of its claws snapped him in half.

[/indent]
[indent=1]Reiji suppressed a tinge of annoyance. [i]Don’t rush in so recklessly, you fool! [/i]he told himself. [i]You can win, but don’t be rash about it![/i] Reiji glared at the cards he held, but none presented any advantages. He ended his turn. (hand count: 4)

[/indent]
[indent=1]Daichi drew. “I summon Arcanea Squire!” Another boy appeared on the field, but this one wore simple leather clothes. Reiji bit back a curse; he recognized that card and wasn’t happy about it.

[/indent]
[indent=1][spoiler=Arcanea Squire]

[/indent]
[indent=1]Earth/Warrior

[/indent]
[indent=1]Level 2

[/indent]
[indent=1]800/800

[/indent]
[indent=1]If you control only this face-up monster, you may Tribute this card to Special Summon one Level 5 or 6 “Arcanea” monster from your hand or Deck. You cannot Summon or Special Summon any other monster this turn. No monster except the one Summoned by this card's effect can attack this turn.

[/indent]
[indent=1][/spoiler]

[/indent]
[indent=1]“I will now tribute my Squire in order to play Arcanea- Flame Paladin!” Daichi declared. The young boy suddenly formed into a ball of pulsating light, which floated upward and released a new warrior. A tall man wearing crimson armor and carrying a longsword in one hand appeared where the young boy had been moments before.

[/indent]
[indent=1][spoiler=Arcanea-Flame Paladin]

[/indent]
[indent=1]Fire/Warrior

[/indent]
[indent=1]Level 6

[/indent]
[indent=1]2500/1800

[/indent]
[indent=1]When this card is Normal Summoned successfully, your opponent's Trap/Spell cards cannot be activated this turn.

[/indent]
[indent=1][/spoiler]

[/indent]
[indent=1]“Flame Paladin, attack his Venominos Hornet!” Daichi ordered. The armored being jumped across the field and hacked the buzzing insect to pieces. Reiji winced as the after lash from the attack struck him. But his deprive was short-lived as Daichi activated his facedown card.

[/indent]
[indent=1]“Incantation of Despair! When I control an Arcanea monster, I can inflict damage to you equal to its Level multiplied by 300. That’s 1800 damage,” Daichi summarized, as a blast of fiery light smashed into Reiji, leaving him reeling. “I end my turn with a face down.” Daichi added. (hand count: 1)

[/indent]
[center][center] [/center][/center]
[center][center]
[/center][/center]
[center][center] [/center][/center]
[center][center]

[/center][/center]
[center][center] [/center][/center]
[center][center]
[/center][/center]
[center][center] [/center][/center]
[center][center]Reiji: 1500

[/center][/center]
[center][center] [/center][/center]
[center][center]
[/center][/center]
[center][center] [/center][/center]
[center][center]

[/center][/center]
[center][center] [/center][/center]
[center][center]
[/center][/center]
[center][center] [/center][/center]
[center][center]Daichi: 3050

[/center][/center]
[indent=1]Reiji had always hated that. Every time he managed to push Daichi into a corner, he’d manage to pull off a move to turn the game around with the luck of an anime hero. [i]No matter how far I progressed, [/i]Reiji reflected bitterly, [i]those guys were always ahead of me. Daichi, Hiroto, even Duel King Ryo, they’re all the same, always far ahead, in a place I can’t reach. But that was years ago, and I’m stronger now. No matter what, I won’t stray behind them any longer![/i]

[/indent]
[indent=1]To be continued…[/indent]
[indent=1][/spoiler]

[/indent]
[indent=1]Okay, that was not the best way to end a chapter, but I’m going to save the other half for the next chapter. You’ll notice that this chapter delves more into my antagonists this time, and that’s because I (surprisingly) like my antagonists and want them to have as much an active connection to the reader as the protagonists. Well, this is the only the first half, so enjoy and don’t forget to comment! (Although please, No Foe Fiction.)[/indent]

Agro · September 10, 2011

Before I read this: split up this into 2 [b]chapters[/b] instead of 2 parts of 1 chapter. Just some advice I was recently given. (well, it was sort of advice)

Okay, I read now.

Agro · September 10, 2011

Alright, I read through it all, and I'm going to apologize to you first DC (for those of you who don't know why, just read the last sentence of his post) I went through your story just posting small edits and my thoughts on it at each point. I tried to keep it as serious and informative as I could, but there were points near the end that I had a little trouble not trying to make a joke. So, for better or for worse, and whether you like it or not, here we are:

[spoiler='Read through: Chapter 2: Serpent's Sonata, Part 1']

As the pair walked into the lobby of the Sector Security building, Reiji glanced about uninterestedly, taking in the scenery of the various people milling about the area. Dlaecia glanced at him. “Well, you know the plan, right?”

Reiji rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. Assuming it’s the same plan where you ‘break’ in and get whatever it is we’re after[b],[/b] while I cause a large and preferably destructive distraction[b],[/b] and end up being assaulted by guards. If it’s that, then there’s no need to remind me.”

[b]I actually, kinda laughed here. This wasn't half bad. Commas; periods. Sorry if I nitpick a bit. I'll just edit them in. The last sentence probably could've flowed better, but so far, I'm enjoying it. [/b]

Dlaecia ignored the sarcasm and walked off toward a door[b]*[/b] conveniently marked with “Data Center-Classified”. Two Security officers noticed her and moved to impede her way. “Sorry miss, you can’t go through h…” one of the officers began, but he never finished. Dlaecia snapped her fingers, and both men were knocked flying by an invisible force, leaving them to slam headlong into nearby objects.

[b]*I feel like there's something missing there, idt it's a comma, maybe a word or semicolon? Ah, well, I'm sure it's fine.[/b]

[b]Comma after the officer get's owned. Also, you should start a new Paragraph when he starts talking. Last sentence needs some work too. [/b]

Ignoring the muttering of people behind her who had witnessed this, she walked up to the door and pulled at the handle. The door didn’t budge. Then she noticed the keycard slot next to the door. She made a face and closed her eyes, letting loose a flow of power from within her.
A moment later, she opened her eyes and walked right through the door into the room ahead. In the background, she noticed the sound of a brawl. Obviously, Reiji was beating up the Security. Ignoring that, she stepped inside.

[b]I'm gonna break down this paragraph if you don't mind. There's not really too much need to say 'door' in two straight sentences, you could just say 'it', or put it into the last sentence. Or you could even expand on it like: 'She cringed in anger as the door stood still'. [/b]

[b]The following two sentences don't need to be two sentences; you should try to work sentences like those together. Sentences like 'She did this. She did that' can better be written as 'She did this before doing that'. (better exposition obviously necessary) [/b]

[b]The third to last sentence is vague. Most readers may interpret it as 'she phased through the door', but others might see it as 'she walked straight through the glass' (Assuming it's a glass door).[/b]

[b]You don't need to be so blatant about Reiji beating up security. You could be like: 'Reiji had begun his job'. Or, in fact, you don't need to mention him at all. Considering you've already established the fact that he is going to cause a large, preferably destructive distraction, there isn't actually even a reason to mention Reiji at all. The use of assumptions is one of the greatest advantages written word has over motion pictures.[/b]

There weren’t many officials in the room, and most were engrossed in their work. It took them a few moments to realize that a girl had just walked in through the door. An officer swung at her. Instead of hitting her though, his fist went through her as if it was air. He stared at it, dumfounded, until Dlaecia pointed at him and sent him crashing through a computer.

[b]'Went through her as if it was air'. I don't blame you for using that simile, it's a good simile, but it is used impossibly too much when the chance arises. Also: Stupid security guard. You can't punch a Jedi.[/b]

“Whoops,” she said as he passed through the table, “I forgot you’re not solid yet.” Shrugging, she strode through the room, passing through everyone as if they didn’t exist. As she neared the center of the enormous chamber, one of the workers dare to ask, “Wha…what are you?”

Without slowing she replied, “A lone human in a world of ghosts.” This wasn’t too far off the point, as Dlaecia had caused everything around her to become insubstantial, leaving them as little more than air. In that state, no one, unless she chose to, could harm, move, or even touch those who were unaffected by her unearthly ability.

[b]I cannot harm you, nor move you, nor touch you. And I don't care if any of those previous examples overlap.[/b]

[b]Sorry about that, I'm trying my best not to joke to much through this, but I couldn't help it there.[/b]

Proceeding to a computer, she sat down and, hacking into the server, began downloading classified information, oblivious to the men behind her who were in a tumult of panic.

[b]Thank you for making her ability what it is instead of the inverse, which would make this paragraph make little to no sense at all. Kudos.[/b]

Back outside, Reiji had just finished taking down the officers who had tried going after Dlaecia when screams of terror began to issue from behind the doors of the data center. [i]So much for discretion, [/i]he thought. Sighing, he lifted his hand into the air palm up, and fired a blast of shadowy energy toward a chandelier set into the ceiling, which bust into pieces.

As fragments of glass rained down into the lobby, Reiji slammed his palm down onto the ground, creating a shockwave akin to a small earthquake, shaking the building. As the men around him tumbled about, Dlaecia came out of the data center and gestured toward the door. He nodded, and the two left together, not paying the slightest attention to the chaos they left behind.

[b]Why did he just do that? He could've leveled the building, killing all of them. Unless it was just to warn Dlaecia.[/b]

Reiji yawned and swung his arms out, bored. This changed a moment later, when he noticed a teenager with brown hair sitting on [i]his [/i](Reiji’s) D-Wheel with his back to them. He turned as they came toward him and slipped his laptop into the bag at his side.

[b]The first few sentences here are a little awkward. It might just be me, but I just don't feel right having those sentences the way they are. Also, there's not too much need to mention whose D-Wheel it is. Most of your readers could probably assume that themselves. And even if it doesn't, you can use that fact as excellent dialogue that can help flesh out your characters.[/b]

Reiji grinned. “Well, well,” he said, as he grabbed the front of the boy’s shirt, “I didn’t expect to see you around here, Daichi.”

Daichi Mikado made no response as he studied the changes time had made to his friend. Apart from the red streak along the fringe of his black hair, Reiji seemed just the same as ever.

“I was just wondering who was causing such a ruckus inside Sector Security,” he replied, “Obviously, I shouldn’t have bothered.” Reiji stepped back from him with a shrug. “What were you doing?”

Daichi smiled. “Nothing much. I’ve just jammed your D-Wheels, leaving you incapable of riding off on them.” Before Dlaecia could shout an expletive at him, Reiji cut in, “And I suppose there’s something we can do to lift this limitation?”

[b]See what I said before. You didn't even need to let us know whose D-Wheel it was. Not to mention you had it in parenthesis, which are almost always unnecessary. BTW, didn't you just say these guys were friends? Why's Daichi (keep thinking Taichi) being such a dick?[/b]

In response, Daichi slipped his hand into his pocket and removed his Deck. A malevolent smile crept onto Reiji’s face, darkening his features. “It seems you want to settle the dispute we had two years ago, eh?” he smirked. Daichi chose not answer, opting instead to activate his Duel Disk.

[b]Oh, so now their going to duel. Right outside of the sector security building. One which is probably bigger than the two rooms they were in, and is probably currently in evacuation because there was an earthquake which rattled the building. So at what point do you think that dueling for an extended time right outside the sector security (police) base you just broke into is a good idea?[/b]

“So let me guess,” Reiji continued, “if I win, you let us go. If I lose…” Daichi’s mouth became a grim line. “You both turn yourselves in to Security, along with whatever you stole.” Reiji’s eyes narrowed. [i]So a fight for my right to freedom, is it?[/i] he thought, [i]how very much like you.[/i]

[b]If you lose, you get turned into sector security, if you win, security catches you anyway because you're just sitting there. You have super powers, don't you? Own Daichi's ass and gtfo of there! [/b]

[b]*sigh* this is one of those points where dueling isn't the best option to get something done. Fists are SO much better problem solvers in this situation. They're faster and have the same results, except in one you're not being captured by the coppers.[/b]

Dlaecia turned to Reiji. “Are you sure about this? I mean, if you get us caught…” Reiji shook his head. “It won’t come to that. But if it does,” and here he looked rather uneasy, “I probably won’t live long enough for a stint in prison.”

[b]At what point do they need to duel anyway? The bike's rigged, and if it's so easy for Daichi to fix it before security shows up, then I'm sure these other two can solve the problem first.[/b]

Dlaecia smiled, which was a rare sight. “Darn right, because I’d have to kill you for landing me in jail.” She slapped a hand across his back. “Go ahead. Do try to enjoy yourself, won’t you?”

[b]Don't worry, if you let him duel, landing in jail will be your fault.[/b]

Reiji turned and faced his opponent. Daichi was standing as though he didn’t have a care in the world. At the moment, he only had one. “Ready to go down?” he asked. “I’ve only one answer for that,” Reiji replied.

[b]Awkward sentences are awkward. Also: start a new paragraph every time a new speaker speaks.[/b]

“Let’s Duel!” they both shouted, and activated their Duel Disks. Reiji drew his first hand and raised a finger in the air, indicating that he would go first. Daichi nodded.

[b]I'm going to quickly skip ahead to the end of this duel for anyone else reading. Here's a quick summary so you don't get confused:[/b]

[b]The formatting is okay for this duel, though, Divine, you seem to be keeping notes to yourself at points. You don't need to write '(hand count: 4)'. Readers could care less and if it really becomes important, you can just write it into the story later. For Readers: insects (Reiji) vs spellcasters (Daichi). Super spacing involved here so that the page is much larger & longer than it should. The duel does not yet end, but here's the last paragraph, which Divine has so kindly written in a way that sums up most of the duel:[/b][indent=1]Reiji had always hated that. Every time he managed to push Daichi into a corner, he’d manage to pull off a move to turn the game around with the luck of an anime hero. [i]No matter how far I progressed, [/i]Reiji reflected bitterly, [i]those guys were always ahead of me. Daichi, Hiroto, even Duel King Ryo, they’re all the same, always far ahead, in a place I can’t reach. But that was years ago, and I’m stronger now. No matter what, I won’t stray behind them any longer![/i]

[b]Wait, who the hell is the main character. The narrator is talking from Reiji's perspective then, out of nowhere in the same paragraph, we're into Daichi's thoughts?!?! You have to stick to one point of view at a time, especially if you haven't changed paragraphs.[/b]
[/indent]
[indent=1]To be continued…
[/indent]
[indent=1]Okay, that was not the best way to end a chapter, but I’m going to save the other half for the next chapter. You’ll notice that this chapter delves more into my antagonists this time, and that’s because I (surprisingly) like my antagonists and want them to have as much an active connection to the reader as the protagonists. Well, this is the only the first half, so enjoy and don’t forget to comment! (Although please, No Foe Fiction.)
[/indent]
[indent=1][b]Sorry, Divine, I tried my best to just go through and review everything. I fit seemed a bit foe'd at times in the second half, I apologize. It certainly isn't the best way to end a chapter, but it wasn't the worst, so good job of avoiding that. I'm not going to mention my opinion of the story in general because I don't know enough as a reader yet. Though, as a nitpicker, I'm a little bit disappointed. Mainly at the context of the duel, which I'm sure I made known before.[/b]

[/spoiler]

[/indent]

Divine Chaos · September 15, 2011

Bump

Agro · September 15, 2011

Do you post anywhere here besides this fan fic?

Sign In

Yu-Gi-Oh Fate of the Divided (New Chapter) Serpent's Sonata, Part 1 is up!

Recommended Posts

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Archived