Pride of the Shinobi PG16

[BLUR]

Finally got myself to write a Naruto fic. Hope you guys enjoy it!


[spoiler='Prologue']
"Run Kea!"

"Mother!"

"I said run!"

So Kea ran, tears streaming down her face. She already lost her father to them, now she was going to lose her
mother as well. How could they betray their own like this? And to make it worse, they manipulated the Cloud to help them. The Yami Elite Five. The five greatest shinobi of the Yami clan, slaughtering their own with the help of the village. But she knew the true mastermind behind all of this. "Jino, this is your doing isn't it. Afterall, you are the leader of the Yami Elite! But why!" Still deep in her thought, Kea didn't notice the large Cloud shinobi in front of her. She slammed straight into him.

"Huh? Haha I just found myself a Yami scum!" The man grabbed Kea by her collar and lifted her.

"So Yami, you feeling lucky?"

"Let me go!" Kea screamed kicking the man hard in the stomach. The man didn't loosen his hold however.

"You brat! You asked for it!" The man prepared to punch Kea.

"Dark Release: Dark Needles!"

Before he had a chance to turn, the man was impaled with a large amount of black toothpick-shaped needles. Immediately his grip on Kea loosened and he fell to the ground, dead. Kea turned to see a ripped dark-haired shinobi, who was covered with blood. His shirt was so tattered it was almost nothing.

"Senshi! Are you alright!" Kea yelled

"Don't worry, this isn't my blood." He said. It was obvious he had killed many shinobi in this battle.

"Come on, Kea. We don't have time. We have to leave Kumo."

"But what about the rest of our clan. All of our friends and family could still be alive and in need of help!"

Senshi shook his head. "It's no use thinking about that. They are all risking their lives so our clan can survive. We can't let their sacrifice be in vain! We're very close to the gates, it would be stupid to waste time just thinking about."

Kea knew he was right, but she couldn't make herself follow him. So Senshi grabbed her and ran to the gates. Just as the two finally reached the gates, a figure jumped right in front of them.

"And where do you two think your going?" said the figure. He came closer revealing his short red hair and his face. He had a long scar going down his right eye.

"Jino..." Senshi and Kea said together.

"Sister! And Senshi too! What a surprise! Did you honestly believe you could escape? I have unlocked the Yami's ultimate technique! I plan on using this power to kill every last one of the Yami." Jino said, laughing as he did

"Jino why! Why would you want to do that!"

"Isn't it simple sister? So no one in the world can challenge me! We all know this technique will make me near invincible, and only a Yami can learn this technique. Therefo-

"Bastard!" Senshi screamed. He aimed his fist at Jino. He performed hand signs with his other hand before screaming,

"Dark Release: Dark Needles!"

Hundreds of razor sharp black needles were shot at Jino. However Jino had already disappeared and the needles just hit the gates behind were he was standing. Although he was nowhere to be found, Jino spoke.

"Since your my little sister, I'll give you and your boyfriend some years to grow stronger before I come and kill
you. Escape now, and prepare for the future! Hahahahaha!" Both Senshi and Kea looked for the source of the voice but couldn't find Jino anywhere.

"You heard him, lets go!" Senshi said motioning Kea to follow him. She nodded, and together they left and headed towards an unexpected future.[/spoiler]

[spoiler='Chapter 1: Team 3 of Sunagakure!']Version:1.0 StartHTML:0000000167 EndHTML:0000007770 StartFragment:0000000457 EndFragment:0000007754
[Konohagakure]

“[i]The Chunin Exams will start soon.” [/i]

A dark-haired boy was lying down on a long branch of a tree just outside Konoha. His head was resting on the tree itself. He had just made it to Konoha, and he and his squad decided to take a quick break.

“Kyo get down, we should be going inside by now! Hiro-sensei told us not to keep him waiting.” yelled a pink-haired kunoichi. She looked like a kind girl at first glance, but when you saw her sword, you would think otherwise. The dark-haired boy looked down to meet eyes with the pink-haired girl.

“Where's Gin? Wasn't he with you just minutes ago?” Kyo asked. The girl was annoyed, knowing that Kyo had completely ignored her. But actually, she had no idea where their teammate Gin had run off to. He said he had to check something out and left while she took a quick nap. She had not even bothered to ask him were he was going. But she would never tell Kyo that.

“He just went to pick some berries. You know Gin, hes always making sure were prepared.” She replied. Kyo turned his head back to face the sky. He wasn't an idiot, he knew Tara very well.

“Your lying, as usual,” he stated. That ticked Tara off.

“If you don't come down, I'll slice that branch in half and I might accidentally slice you in half too!” Tara yelled.

“I dare you to try,” Kyo challenged. Just as Tara was drawing her sword, the sound of Gin's screaming came, and the sound was getting closer and closer. Both Kyo and Tara turned their heads to see Gin running towards them at a high speed. He managed to stop himself before he slammed into Tara.

“Whats wrong?” Tara asked. Gin looked behind and seemed surprised to find that nothing was there. He waited to catch his breath before replying.

“Hiro-sensei was right behnid me a second ago. I went into Konoha while you two were sleeping to check out the leaf squads. Then I ran into Hiro-sensei, and he asked me were you two were when I told him you were sleeping he freaked out and started chasing me with a kunai,” Gin explained.

“We kept him waiting too long, and you made it worse by telling him we were asleep,” Tara told Gin. Kyo finally jumped off the branch and landed right beside Tara.

“You shouldn't have done that Gin, especially since she was the only sleeping,” Kyo said, pointing at Tara. Tara looked at Kyo angrily, but Kyo paid no attention. Suddenly, from out of the bushes, several shuriken were thrown at rapid speed. Tara quickly stepped in front of the two boys and took out her sword.

“Wind Release: Slashing Wind Strikes!”

With every strike of her sword, a sharp wind shot out and deflected each shuriken in great speed. It was obvious that she was very skilled with her sword. Then from the top of a tree, a demon wind shuriken was thrown at full speed. Acting fast, Kyo pushed Tara out of the way and jumped away himself. The demon wind hit the ground hard. Then from a few different directions, a plethora of shuriken came flying at the group.

“There's more than one enemy!” Gin exclaimed.

“No s***!” Tara yelled, swinging her sword to deflect the shuriken. But Kyo knew this strategy anywhere. He quickly performed hand signs while Tara guarded him on one side and Gin on the other.

“Wind Release: Hurricane Barrier!”

A giant spiraling vortex of wind shot down onto Kyo and his teammates shielding them from all the shurikens being thrown. The wind was so strong it knocked away the shuriken that hadn't even hit the vortex. Just as the rapid winds began to lighten and fade, the shurikens stopped. The trio looked around and saw that many of the shuriken had been shot back to the surrounding trees and the areas where they had been thrown from. Both Tara and Gin were in awe of how powerful that jutsu was. Kyo was breathing heavily.

“You think that killed them all?” Tara asked.

“It didn't kill him, I had not meant for that. I just wanted to destroy his clones,” Kyo replied. He saw the look on the faces of his teammates and realized they finally understood. Then, from up in one of the trees, a man jumped down in front of the trio.

“Good work! Kyo, I'm a little surprised that you were able to pull off that jutsu. But that's besides the point. That was good teamwork and it made up for making me wait while you slept,” Hiro said with a hint of irritation in his voice. His students nodded.

“You are ready for the chunin exams, you're on your own from here on, understand?” Hiro asked. Again the trio nodded.

“Then go into Konoha, the exams will start soon.” With that, Team 3 of Sunagakure headed for Konoha's gates.[/spoiler]

[Dr. Cakey]

[spoiler='Growing Praise and Adulation: Episode 21: Dattebayo!!']
[b]This is Pride of the Shinobi by BLUR.[/b]

Finally got myself to write a Naruto fic. Hope you guys enjoy it!
[b]I hope so, too.[/b]

Prologue
[b]bla bla chapter prologue lololol[/b]

“Run Kea!"

"Mother!"

"I said run!"

So Kea ran, tears streaming down her face. She already lost her father to them, now she was going to lose her
mother as well.
[b]random linebreak is random[/b]

How could they betray their own like this? And to make it worse, they manipulated the Cloud to help them.
[b]I mean, if ‘they’ had killed her parents by themselves, that would be understandable. But getting Cloud ninja to help them? Some lines cannot be crossed.[/b]

The Yami Elite Five. The five greatest shinobi of the Yami clan, slaughtering their own with the help of the village.
[b]They probably should have thought of that before calling their clan ‘Yami’. If a clan can be like the Uchiha just by being named after paper fans (or so the Naruto Wiki tells me), what do you expect a clan named after darkness to do?[/b]

But she knew the true mastermind behind all of this. "Jino, this is your doing isn't it. Afterall, you are the leader of the Yami Elite! But why!" Still deep in her thought, Kea didn't notice the large Cloud shinobi in front of her. She slammed straight into him.
[b]1. Paragraph break for dialogue.[/b]
[b]2. Question ends with a ‘?’…or so I am told.[/b]
[b]3. That’s not an entirely sound logical leap.[/b]
[b]4. Questions end with a ‘?’…or so I have read.[/b]
[b]5. D’oh![/b]

"Huh? Haha I just found myself a Yami scum!" The man grabbed Kea by her collar and lifted her.

"So Yami, you feeling lucky?"
[b]“Seeing as I appear to be the protagonist and you’re a stereotypically jerk-ass ones-shot mook, actually yes, I can rest assured that in a few paragraphs you will probably be dead."[/b]

"Let me go!" Kea screamed kicking the man hard in the stomach. The man didn't loosen his hold however.

"You brat! You asked for it!" The man prepared to punch Kea.
[b]Not killing, not capturing, just Ninja Mook Punch no Jutsu?[/b]

"Dark Release: Dark Needles!"

Before he had a chance to turn, the man was impaled with a large amount of black toothpick-shaped needles.
Immediately his grip on Kea loosened and he fell to the ground, dead. Kea turned to see a ripped dark-haired shinobi, who was covered with blood. His shirt was so tattered it was almost nothing.

"Senshi! Are you alright!" Kea yelled

"Don't worry, this isn't my blood." He said. It was obvious he had killed many shinobi in this battle.
[b]Yes…that was the conclusion I drew as well. Well, no, since Naruto is a shounen anime, I assumed about half of it actually was his blood, but he was lying because he is epic shounen hero.[/b]

"Come on, Kea. We don't have time. We have to leave Kumo."

"But what about the rest of our clan. All of our friends and family could still be alive and in need of help!"

Senshi shook his head. "It's no use thinking about that. They are all risking their lives so our clan can survive. We can't let their sacrifice be in vain! We're very close to the gates, it would be stupid to waste time just thinking about."

Kea knew he was right, but she couldn't make herself follow him. So Senshi grabbed her and ran to the gates. Just as the two finally reached the gates, a figure jumped right in front of them.
[b]Prediction: Recurring villain. Likelihood of being one of the Yami Elite Five: 85%. Likelihood of being Jino: 50%.[/b]

"And where do you two think your going?" said the figure. He came closer revealing his short red hair and his face. He had a long scar going down his right eye.

"Jino..." Senshi and Kea said together.
[b]In anime terms: Reaction shot! Reaction shot![/b]

"Sister! And Senshi too! What a surprise! Did you honestly believe you could escape? I have unlocked the Yami's ultimate technique! I plan on using this power to kill every last one of the Yami." Jino said, laughing as he did
[b]Why?[/b]

"Jino why! Why would you want to do that!"
[b]Thank you. Although I’m not sure who’s speaking until the next line.[/b]

"Isn't it simple sister? So no one in the world can challenge me! We all know this technique will make me near invincible,
[b]Keep telling yourself that.[/b]

and only a Yami can learn this technique. Therefo-

"Bastard!" Senshi screamed. He aimed his fist at Jino. He performed hand signs with his other hand before screaming,

"Dark Release: Dark Needles!"

Hundreds of razor sharp black needles were shot at Jino. However Jino had already disappeared and the needles just hit the gates behind were he was standing. Although he was nowhere to be found, Jino spoke.

"Since your my little sister, I'll give you and your boyfriend some years to grow stronger before I come and kill
you. Escape now, and prepare for the future! Hahahahaha!"
[b]“ ‘Generic villain’ is quite literally my middle name!”[/b]

Both Senshi and Kea looked for the source of the voice but couldn't find Jino anywhere.
[b]He has the power to conceal himself! Only the greatest of ninja have the power of stealth![/b]

"You heard him, lets go!" Senshi said motioning Kea to follow him. She nodded, and together they left and headed towards an unexpected future.

[b]…[/b]

[b]…[/b]

[b][media='']http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ussCHoQttyQ&list=PL2C7A853151A4FF96&index=3[/media][/b]

[b]Seriously, I have no idea what to think. As fan fiction goes the description, spelling, formatting etc. was all solid (although it seems Jino is the only person in this story skilled enough in the ninja arts to use question marks). The dialogue was bad, and Jino is generic even by the standards of a generic villain.[/b]

[b]This is of course the worst place for a story to be. If it’s bad, people will at least read it to mock it. And if it’s good, then it’s good. But at the middle ground it tends to be completely uninteresting. Being average for one chapter is okay, but unless this took a serious quality jump within a few chapters I would fall asleep.[/b]
[/spoiler]

[BLUR]

Lol thanks for the criticism. Any tips on how to improve the dialogue?

[BLUR]

New chapter added