Raven des blutroten Mondes Posted August 5, 2011 Report Share Posted August 5, 2011 This is my first fan fiction I have made so comment and tell me how I did. 1. Italics are thoughts, but you all knew that >.> 2. Brackets are setting time 3. This fic is rated PG-16 for some questionable language/themes. [spoiler=Chapter 0:Enter the Demon Brother Of the Hidden Cloud!!!] [color=#000000]"hurry up slow poke we're going to be late for our last day at the academy" [/color]yelled Gakuya [color=#000000] ''no thanks we will get there on time brother" [/color]said Kouichi is he walk to the final test of there ninja academy training. They entered the class room with a few minutes to spare,"Were is Yuuma sensei?" said one of the students as he felt a tap on his should "a ninja must always be aware of his surroundings." The student looks on in shock and awe"y-yes sensei will do"."Any way lets start the final exam, just make three clones and who should go first how about Toyoe sama." " Y- yes sensei " she says as she walks to the front of the class showing her nervousness. She stops at the front of the class and starts to form the hand signs and with a bit of hesitation she finishes the signs and three clones appear. She bows and they disappear "good job Toyoe your getting a lot better." "Thanks you sensei" she said walking back to her seat in the back."Next how about you Gakuya since your so confident." "Fine I guess, I mean if I have too." he grunted sarcastically as he jumped from the back of the room to the front of the class. He formed the hand signs " Shadow Clone Jutsu!" he yells as 50 clones appear " how did i do sensei." "You have grown quit a bit haven't you , your execution of the shadow clone jutsu was flawless you showed great chakra control. I don't know what to say good job." "Thank you sensei" he says dismissing his clones and jumping back to his desk.( two hours later)"Well I saved the best for last come up......." before he even finished his sentence Kouichi was at the front of the class with 4 lightning clones " You and your brother bother put your Kekkei Genkai to real use haven't you." " I guess we have sensei, but we couldn't have done it with out your help." he answered as he walk to his desk. "Well class i have an announcement there will be one team that will not have a sensei this team will be made up of the best ninja in the class and who pass and who didn't will be announced tomorrow. Get some rest and I'll see you all tomorrow." ( [/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Envoy of Twilight Posted August 5, 2011 Report Share Posted August 5, 2011 Well...it should be longer, your grammar is bad, and you should really try to format better. Overall, not TOO bad, for a beginner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raven des blutroten Mondes Posted August 5, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 5, 2011 Well this is just the first chapter so it will be bigger and sorry about the grammar it was never my strong point. Oh and what do you mean by format it better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supreme Gamesmaster Posted August 10, 2011 Report Share Posted August 10, 2011 ...I was going to review this, but you, sir, are the greatest novelist who has ever lived. Anything I could say would taint this perfect masterpiece. Already the plot grips me, the characters leap off the page, and your mastery of the English language is self-evident. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, SOLDIER. I SALUTE YOU With all due respect, ~Supreme Gamesmaster Yddisac Oh, and I've always [i]loved[/i] Naruto, it's one of my favourite shows Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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