Gorz Token Posted July 21, 2011 Report Share Posted July 21, 2011 ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quiksilver Posted July 21, 2011 Report Share Posted July 21, 2011 SCRIPTS/SCREENPLAYSAlice: Hey, Bob! What's up?Bob: Nothing special, Alice.Fics written like this are forbidden, for they show little to no description of the setting and characters. However, full-blown theatrical screenplays with stage directions and all are allowed, provided they could theoretically be given to two random people on the street and be acted out without any confusion. You'll need to change it, I'm afraid. Otherwise Kyubey will lock this thread. :/ As for the actual story: bland. That's all I have to say. The characters are more than two-dimensional, they are utterly flat, and the whole storyline seems to be based around a tournament with the view jumping from character to character. It's quite confusing, and as of yet I know next to nothing about both subjects. You seem to be concentrating on duels for the most part, but I think you would be better off if you interjected some character development and non-dueling parts as well. It would help develop your story as a whole. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gorz Token Posted July 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 23, 2011 You'll need to change it, I'm afraid. Otherwise Kyubey will lock this thread. :/ As for the actual story: bland. That's all I have to say. The characters are more than two-dimensional, they are utterly flat, and the whole storyline seems to be based around a tournament with the view jumping from character to character. It's quite confusing, and as of yet I know next to nothing about both subjects. You seem to be concentrating on duels for the most part, but I think you would be better off if you interjected some character development and non-dueling parts as well. It would help develop your story as a whole. I could care less, since this is a Pilot and basically one giant flashback for the start of the story. And flash backs in any fan fic are writen like this. So if you don't like it like that well "Frankly my dear... I don't give a damn." Lock this topic for all I care. Ban me throw away my soul, but for everyone on other forums who have read my entire fan fic love it... So if this forum decides to be dicks about it I won't post it. Nuff said... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted July 23, 2011 Report Share Posted July 23, 2011 No, flashbacks in fanfics aren't strictly written in script format. You quoting Gone With The Wind (the movie, not the book) doesn't make you any more right, nor does "Ban me all you want". Not to mention that there is absolutely nothing in the story that possibly hints at this being a flashback, completely nullifying that excuse. If you have good material that's already written out, then for the love of Nyarlahotep didn't you post it in the first place?EDIT: And if you already have good material, why on earth would you put "Chapters will come as I write them." at the start of your thread? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest PikaPerson01 Posted July 24, 2011 Report Share Posted July 24, 2011 Characters: Extremely flat. I mean, there's a minor bit of depth to the son and his father, the dad kind of sees his kid as... a kid and kind of wants to hold back a little. The son is the overly excitable "Jaden" type who wants his opponent to go all out or something. He also seems to be sick of being treated like a baby. The Uncle and Sister character, they have nothing going on. I remember a rather infamously long Star Wars Episode 1 review where the reviewer challenged his buddies to "Describe the following Star Wars character without saying what they look like, what kind of costume they wore, or what their profession or role in the movie was. Describe this character to your friends like they ain't never seen Star Wars." They managed to get a lot of details on the original trilogy characters (Han Solo, C3PO) whereas they all seemed to draw a blank on the prequel trilogy (Qui Gon Jin, Queen Amidala) Basically, there's no personality there and if I had to explain them to my friends I'd find it exceedingly difficult. Story: Likewise, there's just about no story. Four characters we don't care about are dueling. No, having a long and intricately detailed duel is not a story. Especially when nothing really goes on in the duel. Maybe I'm a bit biased, because dueling never seemed at all important to me in any good Yu-Gi-Oh fic. It was always more about "why are they dueling" as opposed to just "they are dueling". Sure, a fancy pants duel is okay, but if there's no reason as to why they're dueling and nothing at stake, your readers aren't gonna care. At the end we get some minor semblance of a plot. The seven year old's family gets swallowed up by flames and 4 random people show up. This occurs in the middle of a major tournament. And no one jumps in to save them or something? It's not Battle City with only 20 or so people on a blimp. It's "a stadium surrounded by a giant crowd". No security steps in to stop the villains from kidnapping a child or something? So like yeah, villains doing... something... apparently they can kidnap people with magical fire, but choose not to kidnap the seven year old even though they imply they need him and kidnap him in a ridiculous and round about way. Why? Why not just kidnap him with magical fire powers? The whole story is entirely non-existant until the last few lines of the third part, and even then there's barely anything there. Who are these people, and why should I care about them? Specific style: If you're gonna write it out as a play, you might as well go with "CAST OF CHARACTERS" and name the characters and a description and their relationship to one another before hand. It's stupid to go "Man" "Child" "Announcer" "Man with bandana" and then not-so-subtly name drop them with terrible and clunky dialogue. Hell, it'd be easier to include the announcer into it more. "The first duel is Demi [Last Name] versus her own father, Kei [Last Name]. Also, you're a terrible playwright. I could care less, since this is a Pilot and basically one giant flashback for the start of the story. And flash backs in any fan fic are writen like this. So if you don't like it like that well "Frankly my dear... I don't give a damn." Lock this topic for all I care. Ban me throw away my soul, but for everyone on other forums who have read my entire fan fic love it... So if this forum decides to be dicks about it I won't post it. Nuff said... No need to throw a hissy fit. Your work is bad and you were given suggestions on how to improve it. Don't write it out like a terrible play, don't make your dialogue so awful, and most importantly give us a reason to care about these people instead of jumping into a duel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gorz Token Posted July 27, 2011 Author Share Posted July 27, 2011 · Hidden by Gorz Token, July 27, 2011 - No reason given Hidden by Gorz Token, July 27, 2011 - No reason given Ok here... If you wanted to really see how it would have play out this was episode 1... (Sorry for others who didn't read the Pilot and don't know what the first paragraph is about or who the other characters are...) [spoiler=Episode 1]Episode 1It Begins. As Episode 1 begins I’d like to let you know this is all now written in 1st person from the point of view in Lens’ eyes. (Unless stated otherwise) All words spoken by the persons’ point of view are in BOLD lettering. Thoughts are in italic lettering with said persons’ name ‘Thoughts’. Narrator is in italic with no name in front of it. (Barely in here.) An older Len driving a new sleek looking car with a futuristic city gliding in the skyline. It’s 11pm, pitch black and not many cars are on the highway. *Lens’ Thoughts* That was me 10 years ago… Once a happy child dueling only for fun and games… Now this is me today. A young 17 year old teen whose’ only thoughts about dueling is winning and destroying my enemies… I still work for that scum of a man Kaminoske and his 3 idiot clowns. I run a deck comprised of cards I stole from people I beat. My mind is going blank I only want to be overrun by darkness and I only think it’s getting out of hand… I need to quit this before it gets out of hand. I still have yet to know where my family is and have been planning to get them back from the first day. The only thing keeping me from going against that fool Kaminoske is the point that he has power far greater than mine… Not power as in cards, but power as in power alone… It’s weird explaining it. Even though he is blind he can see from just thinking. I know that sounds weird and I really didn’t believe in it myself, but he showed me one day in a duel with Vae… He called out every card that him and Vae played including Vaes’ face-downs… He couldn’t yet sense the cards in Vaes’ hand; reminding you he is blind this shocked me… He told me that he received this power from a city not far away called “Celestial” where they do experiments on humans giving them ability’s. Some lose things in the process though, like Kaminoske lost his eyesight. I’m heading there now to try and gain a power of my own to fight Kaminoske with. Tagging along is my “So called lover” Kanzaki Shioru. “So you said we’re heading to Celestial, Len?” Asks Kanzaki. Indeed. I have something there I need to attend to… “Does it have anything to do with that man Kaminoske?” Kanzaki replies with a serious tone. Yes… Does that bother you “Oh Princess?” *Sarcastic Tone* “Don’t get smart with me… I’ll smack you right into the steering wheel!” Shouts Kanzaki in an angry tone while holding one hand back. If you want to stop me then do it… I have nothing holding you back nor do I care what you do… You’re only my “Lover” because you forced me into it… I don’t love you… Get it? “I’ll make you love me… That’s all there is to it.” She states. *Lens’ Thoughts* As we enter Celestial City my phone starts to ring. I instantly ignore the call, shut it off, take out the battery and throw it into the back seat. I wanted nobody to find out where I was or bother me with what I’m doing. I think Kaminoske knows what I’m doing already, but I have to be safe. He must think I’m doing it to become stronger with him and in fact not use it to defeat him. I’m starting to have second thoughts about this though seeing as I could also lose my sight or even far greater things; my life. “So why are we here?” Kanzaki asks. I told you that it’s none of your business and to keep quiet… You can go anywhere you want in the city as long as you come back to the Hotel before 5pm tomorrow. “This is bullshit… I have to tag along to you to the capital city so you can do something behind my back, leave me alone, and not even stay long enough to do something…” Kanzaki protests. I told you that you could stay behind and that I wouldn’t be staying for more than a day. “Yeah, but I thought it was going to be a getaway and I wanted to tag along.” Kanzaki replies with a sad look twiddling her thumbs. If you want “If” I’m not busy tomorrow I will have lunch with you, BUT IT’S NOT A DATE! “Fine…” –Kanzaki *Lens’ Thoughts* As we arrive at the Hotel I pay for the room we both get the keys. I tell her to go on ahead and I’ll pick her up in the morning. I had to get down to the lab. The sooner the better. If I get that power now I can pack it up and leave early tomorrow. As I get to the Lab I’m greeted by two weary young men. One pulls out a knife. “Give us your wallet and we won’t cut you!” Explains Guy 1 (Knife). What for? A bunch of chumps like yourself have nothing better to do then pick people at random to rob? “Stop toying with us.” Guy 2 proclaims If you want to… Come at me bro! *Smiles* The guy holding a knife starts to tremble a tad. He steps back a little and starts to charge at Len. Len grabs the man by the wrist kicking him 3 times into the gut soon throwing him into the side of his car. The second guy charges in screaming. Len doesn’t even turn around as he swings his arm to his pocket, picking out a random Yu-Gi-Oh card and tossing it at the other robber cutting his eye. Blood gushes out as Len steps over the robbers agonizing body and walking into the lab. *Lens’ Thoughts* Those guys are a bunch of idiots… Hopefully they’ll man up and get jobs like everyone else. Ok… I need to find the man named “Kimihara Gendou” and ask him about the experiments. Loud Speaker “Would Kimihara Gendou please report to the 3rd floor lobby. I repeat would Kimihara Gendou please report to the 3rd floor lobby.” Well that’s convenient… 10 minutes later in the 3rd floor lobby. Hey Gendou Sir. You are Kimihara Gendou correct? “Why yes, yes I am.” States Gendou. Good. I need… uhh… *Whispers* A “Type Z Transplant.” (Ability Mod) “Oh, that… Well I can do one more tonight. Right this way.” Suggests Gendou. So how does this work Dr.? “Ok well it’s actually really simple. You just need to lay in this Container and sleep. Nothing to it. I’ll do everything when you’re sleeping. To help the process I’ll add a tad bit of sleeping gas to help you, if you wake up during the process just try to relax and get back to sleep.” Explain Gendou. So that’s it, nothing to it? “Not at all. By the way who sent you here?” Asks Gendou. Kaminoske did. He said you were very talented. “Oh if he was the one who sent you here this won’t cost anything.” States Gendou. Really? Cool! We’ll then I’ll go ahead and sleep. Thanks again Kimihara. “No problem.” Replies Gendou. Morning 9am. *Lens’ Thoughts* As I awake I see that Gendou is in the room above me. Seems I haven’t lost my sight… I wonder what I’ve lost… Gendou comes down and greets me with a happy face. “So how do you feel?” Gendou asks politely. I feel great. The thing is I don’t think I know what I lost… It doesn’t seem noticeable. “That’s fine; most don’t sense it right away. You probably didn’t lose anything at all. That only happens to about 30% anyway.” Explains Gendou. So what could my ability be? “Well that depends. Most abilities are based on ones desires or dreams… We could run some tests though to tell you.” States Gendou. No actually with that… I think I know what it is… You see the room you where just in up there? “Yes wha-“ Gendou gets cut off as Len grabs him. *Lens' Thoughts* I “Teleported” both him and myself into the room he was in. “WOAH!!! That’s a first… So that’s your ability… Teleport…” Gendou says surprised and shocked. “This is a first.” Gendou claims. Well it seems I’ll be going. Thank you for the help doctor. “No problem, you keep in touch you hear?!” Gendou yells while waving his hand goodbye. Will do! *Lens’ Thoughts* I walk out of the Lab feeling better than ever. Seems the blood is still here from last nights’ fight… I grab the card from the ground that I threw and noticed it was my old card. Stardust Dragon… I thought why would I throw this card of all things… I wiped him off, put him back in my deck box, got in my car and drove to the Hotel. As I arrived I saw two men dueling. One with Stygian Sergeants. I needed that card! The match ended and I approached the guy. Hey you. I like that Stygian Sergeants. Care to put it on the line for a Dark Highlander? “Oh you are on sir!” Says the man. Both- DUEL! Yea… Expecting a duel in episode 1? Nah I’m pulling your chain… Don’t worry though. Working on Episode 2 as we speak. I was going to do this type of story were there was more of a backstory and different things. Like abilities and such, actual fights..., but nope. People had to ruin it... Link to comment
Guest Vanquishing Light Posted July 27, 2011 Report Share Posted July 27, 2011 Um... I'm trying to think of how to put this nicely and not come across as rude, but it's not very good at all. The formatting is so off. You said the words spoken in the persons' point of view was bold, yet the only thing that was bold was dialogue. It was so oddly formatted that it made it difficult to read. The characters' lines felt so uninspirational, bland, and almost as if you took the simplest possible route when putting it together. I'm not sure which people on other site(s) read this and told you it was good, but I'm thinking they might be more blind than the people in the story. It needs a significant amount of work to even get people to be remotely interested. Not to mention, it was short and you rushed way too much of the plot in one episode; you should've waited a few episodes to reveal his power, have him try to find out what it is, etc. Not trying to be rude, but it needs a ton of improvement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Devil's Advocate Posted July 27, 2011 Report Share Posted July 27, 2011 Jack Witt Clause? That seems to be in short supply nowadays. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted July 28, 2011 Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 Jack Witt Clause? That seems to be in short supply nowadays.Jack has no wit anymore? [/terrible] I promise to tell you how terrible your story is and how that reflects on you as a person and the deeper psychosocial implications of this on the rest of humanity...once you stop hiding it on the DN forums. On the other hand, I suppose I could wander over and read it...it would give me an excuse to register for the DN forums...and I've heard the average intelligence of the people their is even lower than on YCM! EDIT:Conclusion after reading the first five sentences of the episode and the few comments on your story: People on the DN forums don't have standards. At all. Not "low standards". No standards. None. One of those Russian spambots could post a paragraph of links to knockoff Nike viruses, and they'd compliment it on the realistic dialogue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Devil's Advocate Posted July 29, 2011 Report Share Posted July 29, 2011 People on the DN forums don't have standards. At all. Not "low standards". No standards. None. Which is why I stick to BYOND. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gorz Token Posted July 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 29, 2011 Jack has no wit anymore? [/terrible] I promise to tell you how terrible your story is and how that reflects on you as a person and the deeper psychosocial implications of this on the rest of humanity...once you stop hiding it on the DN forums. On the other hand, I suppose I could wander over and read it...it would give me an excuse to register for the DN forums...and I've heard the average intelligence of the people their is even lower than on YCM! EDIT:Conclusion after reading the first five sentences of the episode and the few comments on your story: People on the DN forums don't have standards. At all. Not "low standards". No standards. None. One of those Russian spambots could post a paragraph of links to knockoff Nike viruses, and they'd compliment it on the realistic dialogue. Umm for your info My fan Fic is finished on a different site... Not DN. My main forum I post on is not Duel Network nor is it any of your business. You have no right at all to disrespect anyone on those forums. If you want to then make an account and do it on there instead of being a pussy and trolling them from another forum. You sir have "No Standards"... People like you are the type who are on a the computer everyday and have no life. Go out and get a job like the people in this world that have "Standards." You can troll all you want, but one thing won't change here. -You have no right to troll indirectly towards another forum if you can't do it there in the first place.- Nuff said. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Devil's Advocate Posted July 29, 2011 Report Share Posted July 29, 2011 ... No Episodes on this post until I hear positive feedback from episode one see as people wanted to troll... Look, we've all given you our feedback on this subject, but you are the one throwing a tantrum about people trolling and flaming the forum. We've all given you suggestions (is that how you spell it?) on how to improve this thing, but you just light them on fire and say "Troll, troll, troll". And flash backs in any fan fic are writen like this. I would have to disagree with this statement. When I write any flashbacks within my story, they are always in italicized format. The way you have it set up is through script format, which, obviously, isn't allowed. I don't know who told you that, but they were wrong. Umm for your info My fan Fic is finished on a different site... Not DN. Then why would you post a pilot for your fanfic if it's already completed? I have an idea: it's called Copypaste. Copy your first chapter of your fanfic from the site it is completed on, and then paste it onto this forum. Maybe then, people will stop trolling your forum and saying it is terrible. Don't write it out like a terrible play, don't make your dialogue so awful, and most importantly give us a reason to care about these people instead of jumping into a duel. I couldn't have said it any better, Pika. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Devil's Advocate Posted July 29, 2011 Report Share Posted July 29, 2011 ... /shakehead Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest PikaPerson01 Posted July 29, 2011 Report Share Posted July 29, 2011 Topic says to lock it, so here I am, locking this. =\ It's kind of a shame too. The duel actually was kind of not-terrible. Originally made and all that. As an action segment it was pretty okay. As a story however, it was bottom tier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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