Jump to content

August

The Sleeping Dude

By The Sleeping Dude
in Creative Writing

Recommended Posts

The Sleeping Dude Newbie

The Sleeping Dude

Posted
Posted

This is a direct sequel of my RP, 12 Months. Still the RP is not finished and I don't want to wait any longer to do this so I made this. The fanfic shall not show any spoiler from the RP except from the very start of Chapter 1. I'll update every Saturday.

 

[spoiler=Chapitre 1 EX: New York, deserted town]

December 22, 2012.

August was talking to his brothers and sisters after they have defeated Satan, “My brothers and sisters! Hear me for Satan’s last temptations are still lurking in the world! They must be destroyed!” Their Father talked to his children except August, “My children, Metatron has been fully controlled by Satan! Your mission is still not finished! But with Satan is together with Metatron is going to be a hard battle! Please be safe!” April pulls out her Gun of Destiny and aimed it at August’s heart. April said, “I’m sorry, my brother, but Satan is still not defeated yet” August touched the ground and said, “If that is the faith you chose April then let it be! If you try to kill me, you need to find me first!” August clicked the ground and he banished. The Battle of August and his siblings started! May and April were asked by their Father to hunt August while the others came back home to the Heavens.

 

August arrived in New York. It was not a city anymore and was now a town due to the fact that it was still half destroyed but the people there are starting their new life. He walked and then the people there are looking at him. Then a boy bumped in August. August said, “Watch where you’re going kid!” The kid apologized and asked him, Mister, Your clothes looks weird, and where did you get them?” August said, “Let’s just say I came from a far place. Can I get a place to stay?” The kid said his name is Jessie and pulled August to his house where his sister, named Mary Jane, is washing the dishes. Their house appears very old and looks like that Jessie and his sister are the only one that lives in that house. August went to sleep in Jessie’s bed. August dreamt of nothing like a cabled television with no reception.

 

December 23, 2012

August woke up and saw Jessie and said, “Hey, August! So my sister went to the market so when can go to the hill.” August and Jessie went to the hill and noticed May and April there. Jessie said, “Who are you two?” May walked to August and kissed him. “This last kiss for my brother, I hope we can see ourselves in the heavens. May moved to the left and August saw April’s gun pointing at him. August said, “This is not the time. Our adventures as enemies are just starting.” August grabbed Jessie and touched the ground. He used his alchemy once again to vanish into thin air.

 

August arrived in Jessie’s home and Jessie asked, “WH-WHO WAS THAT?? WH-WHY DID THEY POINT A GUN AT YOU??” August replied, “Calm down first and I’ll explain.” Jessie calmed down and took a seat. August explained his adventures as he and his siblings travelled around the world to destroy the temptation of Satan. He also explained that he and Satan became one and must be killed to kill Satan as well. August said, “I already want to die with Satan but they are still lots of things to be done.” Mary arrived and asked, “So, What happened?” Jessie told Mary about everything about August. At first, she didn’t believe at him but when August explained, Mary understood.

 

During that night, August walked to the hill and there he saw May and April once again. August asked, “I came here for an Agreement. I’ll go to the East where some of the remaining temptations lie in exchange of letting me live for tonight. After this night, you two can hunt me again.” August slept with May and April’s side as this is their last night together.

 

December 24, 2012

August woke up and found May and April not present. He decided to roam in the town for a bit and he will start his journey. August found two men together with Mary Jane and Jessie being evicted from their home. The two men walked away as both Mary and Jessie were sad as they have no place to go. August walked up to them and invited them, “Hey! You two! If you have no place to go, I need some helpers for my journey to the East. Want to help?” The two accepted and August packed up and finally gone to the East.

 

 

 

CnC

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest PikaPerson01

Guest PikaPerson01

Posted
Posted

August is a girl's name. =|

 

 

Apparently this fic assumes the reader has kept up with an RP, yet the author doesn't think link us to it is a good idea. Okay.

 

Secondly, I always kind of figured the best kinds of sequels were the ones that could stand on their own. Granted, I'm not a fan of telling other people what to do and I don't want all stories to be the same or something, but if you're continuing directly from where the last one left off... I dunno, some kind of prologue might be nice? Maybe not, but at least some character asking what the hell is going on or some kind of brief explanation.

 

So anyway, this is a sequel to an RP called 12 months, and it involves a kid named August and has two people named May and April. =|

 

I mean, I suppose it's not the worst style of naming people but it's still pretty annoying. I assume since Father is capitalized, he's not their biological father.

 

So, apparently August and friends (or maybe just his friends, without August) defeated Satan. But apparently, not really because the very second sentence tells us his "last temptations" are still lurking the world and must be destroyed. Then he tells everyone except August to destroy Metatron. Not all that religious, so I don't know if that's a legit religious name or like a Transformer or something, so I won't make fun of it.

 

So apparently August is also evil or something, since April pulls a gun on him. He disappears and God or their Father or something tells May and April to hunt down August.

 

So he goes to NYC and meets Mary and Jesus Jessie. There's like, no interaction between any of the characters. We don't see what kind of brother and sister Jessie and Mary are what Jessie thinks of August. Secondly, they have no real reason to give August a place to stay. He just kind of showed up and took a room. There's also no point in describing August's dreams.

 

So now we're up to the next day. The confusing and poorly made sentences sentences, August and Jessie go hang out at a hill or something. I assume since NYC is decimated, everythign else is all "simpler time" hence why you can sort of get away with a stupid sentence like "let's go to the hill!". Also, there aren't that many hills in NYC. It's all pretty even leveled terrain for like, the entire city outside of Parks.

 

So like, May and April knew where he was going, but apparently not where he had just spent the last few hours sleeping? Why not murder him in his sleep if they had some weird precog powers instead of waiting for him at the top of a hill.

 

So now apparently we get an explanation for those who didn't bother to read the RP. August merged with Satan so his brothers and sisters have to kill him. Also, August is perfectly fine with letting his siblings kill him if it means the death of Satan, but he doesn't. He just vaguely describes it as "lots of things to be done".

 

So anyway, despite promising to their dad that they'd kill August, the two girls don't do it. They agree for some reason to let him go away in exchange for them not killing him which... doesn't make any sense at all. It's like if he told them "I'll let you give me a five dollars today if you give me twenty dollars tomorrow". Like, that's the stupidest agreement someone could agree to.

 

Also, August's plan is to visit the last temptations of Satan in the East, except his other siblings have been assigned with the job of destroying the last temptations. Firstly, how does he know the temptations are in the East? Is it something these freaky kids know about? Second of all, if all the temptations can be "sensed" by these kids that undercuts a whole lot of tension since they can just pick them up whenever it's convenient if they know where they all are.

 

 

tl;dr - This story is extremely poorly written, from the lack of characterization and plot development to the poor dialogue to hell, just basic English language mistakes.

 

I don't really care for any of the characters, since there's not really any reason given for me to care. The main protagonist is some guy with the devil inside him who doesn't want to die yet his dialogue reveals he does indeed want to die. May and April are useless. Mary hasn't had a single word of dialogue yet. Jessie is just kind of there and doesn't really do anything except ask a question that gets an answer we already kind of guessed at.

 

There's not really like... any tension, any consequences, or anything like that here. I'm assuming the RP is much better, most likely because trinitySOUL wasn't the only one writing it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest PikaPerson01

Guest PikaPerson01

Posted
Posted

Really? I didn't know... I did typed August and not Augusta which is the girl version...

Both are the girl version.

http://www.babynames.com/name/August

http://www.babynames.com/name/Augusta

 

Augustin and Augustine are the boy version, according to the same site.

 

Well I appreciate your comments so far and i'll try my best.

On an unrelated note, still no link to the original work. Which is... kind of odd.

 

Also if you have a problem with my English, I'm no American or English. I just type from what I learn in English classes.

It's not that good of an idea to write a story without knowing enough about the English language. It's like posting in TCG or Your Deck or Created Cards without knowing much about the game.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...