frankjoeseph Posted July 10, 2011 Report Share Posted July 10, 2011 well I was playing on my ipod and I got this totally crazy idea to write a fan fic using the characters from the apps and the characters from yugioh 5ds as duelists in the story, so this is how it turned out, and it is really strange and you will probably say that it's stupid, but I had fun doing it(as if that matters). [spoiler=part one] chapter one(this is about how the whole thing started, really boring actually) [spoiler=chapter one] The crimson dragon sleeping for centuries felt a disturbance in the world, the barrier between this world and the next had been broken, and someone had sent something, something that did not belong, and it was heading towards Earth. If it reached the Earth then terrible things would happen. Worlds would collapse and people would die, it could not let that happen. For if it did the evils of the world would be resurected and chaos would envelop the world. The crimson dragon flew after it, but he could not catch it, it would land on earth. He would have to use the signers.[/spoiler] Chapter two this is where the plot starts to advance a little [spoiler=chapter two] The marks of the six signers were glowing as the meteor fell, it had been three years since Yusei had beaten Z-one and now everything was perfect, for the time being. But now the meteor was falling and their marks were glowing, and those two things together only meant trouble.[/spoiler] chapter three, this is three months later [spoiler=chapter three] The meteorite had fallen, and inside of it was duel monsters cards, many many cards, they were sold, and they were all bought by a unknown buyer, nothing had been heard of it since, but the landing, as it had become known as had raised the question, is there something else out there? And can it duel? [/spoiler] chapter four, just a few more chapters before the duels begin [spoiler=chapter four] The cards had been stolen, the person who had stolen them was unknown. but the buyer turned out to be Haldor, the leader of Team Ragnarok, he claimed that he never used the cards, but that they were unlike anything he had ever seen.[/spoiler] now it is time for chapter five, which gets it all spinning [spoiler=chapter five] Today Team 5ds was going to have a reunion. Akiza walked to the old ener-D reactor to meat Yusei, Jack, Crow, Luna,and Leo. When she arrived she saw that eveyone but Jack was there, and Leo and Luna were having a duel. "I synchro summon life stream dragon and attack your ancient fairy dragon, GO life stream dragon, win the duel" said Leo Then exclaimed "Yes! I knew you would do that so I set this" Luna activated the sword and shield spell card and switched ancient fairy dragon's attack and defense points. Leo's life stream dragon attacked it reducing his life points to zero. Luna won the duel. By then Jack had arrived, now Yusei started talking " last night the crimson dragon sent me a message, the person that stole those cards from Haldor intends to use them to harvest the duel energy of this world to open a portal from this world to an alternate dimension. But once that happens this world will die, and their effeorts to save the world from Z-one will have been in vain." "But what can we do to stop it?" asked Akiza "I'll tell you what we can do, we can get those cards back" Yelled Jack "I wish it were that simple" replied Yusei " I'm afraid that whoever stole these cards has spread them out between his minions."[/spoiler] [/spoiler] [spoiler=part two] The chapters will start getting longer now, anyway I warned you that the first part was boring if you read it. [spoiler=chapter one]" I went to haldor, and he told me that each of this man's minions were on a remote island off the coast of Domino city and he could get us there. A helecopter should be arriving soon to pick us up. Haldor should be there too. He said that he had something to give to us that we would need." 10 minutes later, a helicopter landed and picked them up, Haldor was in it. Ten minutes after they lifted off Haldor spoke " We will be arriving soon and I have something you will all need" He took out a small box. " These were the only cards that I had managed to save before the thief stole the rest of them" He opened the box revealing several cards and handed five of them to each signer. "Yusei there is something very impotant that you need to know" He said and handed Yusei three cards " I am giving you the three nordic god cards so that you may use them in this quest" " But Haldor I cannot take these, they're yours, they chose you" protested Yusei " I am giving them to you for the simple reason that you need them more than I do. But I will be wanting them back. Here you will also need these" he said and handed him three more cards " God luck"he said And the helecopter landed and the six signers got out.[/spoiler] [spoiler=chapter two] Crow had been searching for three hours, he had met up with the other five signers and none of them had found anything either. "Is there really anybody on this island, or did Haldor just send us on a wild goose chase to get rid of the competition" He wondered out loud "No Crow he didn't there is somebody on this island, and he wants to duel you." " Who are you?" said Crow "I am one of the deciples of darkness, the first, but not the best, you must defeat us all too get to him." "Well then let's duel!" The duel began silently. Crow set three cards face down and then summoned Blackwing,vayu the emblem of honor in defense mode. But the duel did not stay that way for long "I have cards that have never before been seen there is no way you can win" "We'll just see about that" " Your confidence amuses me, I activate bird slingshot" As a giant slingshot rose from the ground Crow aid in awe "What is that?" " The begining of your defeat, I play the field spell Angry Birds, Which means once per turn I can add one Angry bird from my graveyard to my hand." " But you have nothing in your graveyard!" " Not right now I don't, but soon I will. I summon Angry Bird Red and activate it's effect, once per turn I can add one Angry bird from my deck to my hand, so I choose, Angry Bird blue. Wait till you see his special ability. But first I'll activate the effect of Bird slingshot, by tributing one Angry Bird I control, I can destroy one monster you control" " Big deal we're right back were we started" "Not at all Crow, not at all, for you see now the effect of Angry Bird red activates, it inflicts five hundred points of dammage to you, and i can draw a card." (Crow:3500 opponent:4000) " Oh, what do you know I drew twin slingshot which lets me use that effect twice per turn, how's your confidence now Crow" "Great" "Hmmm let's see how it is once I do this, I play double summon, which lets me normal summon one extra time this turn, so I'll summon Angry Bird blue. And activate the effect of twin slingshot, which does more than your normal slingshot, not only can it destroy monsters, but it can inflict 500 points of damage to your life points. Now since Angry bird blue was destroyed, I can summon three blue bird tokens in attack mode, and with that I end my turn" (4000:3000) " That was a nice move, but it wasn't good enough. Since you control a monster and I don't I can summon Blackwing-Sirroco the dawn and attack your monster" " Too bad because I send blackbird from my hand to the graveyard to destroy your blackwing" "perfect because i activate my face down card replacement tributing my sirroco to summon another blackwing from my deck, and I choose Bora the spear, now he will destroy your tokens." " Verry good Crow, but you cannot win." [/spoiler] [/spoiler] Part two chapter two is still not finished. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted July 10, 2011 Report Share Posted July 10, 2011 Clearly, someone did not educate you in the differences between "paragraphs" and "chapters". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frankjoeseph Posted July 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 10, 2011 [quote name='Umbra' timestamp='1310327222' post='5343479'] Clearly, someone did not educate you in the differences between "paragraphs" and "chapters". [/quote] Actually yes they did, each chapter has large spans of time passing between each one, or is writen from a different perspective than the last one, so it is seperate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted July 10, 2011 Report Share Posted July 10, 2011 I'm talking in terms of length. Read a novel, any novel; I can guarantee you that their chapters span at the very least a few pages. What you've posted so far would perhaps cover one chapter, at the most. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crystal Remnants Posted July 10, 2011 Report Share Posted July 10, 2011 Your "chapters" aren't even full paragraphs. They are just overly long run-on sentences. You might want to check your grammar in the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frankjoeseph Posted July 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 10, 2011 [quote name='Umbra' timestamp='1310331339' post='5343634'] I'm talking in terms of length. Read a novel, any novel; I can guarantee you that their chapters span at the very least a few pages. What you've posted so far would perhaps cover one chapter, at the most. [/quote] oh, well i'll try to make each chapter longer.[quote name='Remnants' timestamp='1310331918' post='5343651'] Your "chapters" aren't even full paragraphs. They are just overly long run-on sentences. You might want to check your grammar in the future. [/quote] This is just a rough draft as of now, once I am done with each part I will go over each chapter and correct it, right now all I'm really taking care of is spelling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grunt Issun Posted July 10, 2011 Report Share Posted July 10, 2011 No... you won't... you'll just stop making them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frankjoeseph Posted July 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 10, 2011 No... I think I won't Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grunt Issun Posted July 11, 2011 Report Share Posted July 11, 2011 You REALLY should just stop this, you are terrible at it, you are not a writer, your work sucks, just STOP! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted July 11, 2011 Report Share Posted July 11, 2011 [quote name='~N~' timestamp='1310343910' post='5344135'] You REALLY should just stop this, you are terrible at it, you are not a writer, your work sucks, just STOP! [/quote] Uncalled for. However, this is one of those threads that's seriously making me consider putting in a minimum length requirement for chapters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frankjoeseph Posted July 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 11, 2011 [quote name='Kyubey' timestamp='1310345392' post='5344192'] Uncalled for. However, this is one of those threads that's seriously making me consider putting in a minimum length requirement for chapters. [/quote] I agree with you on this one, and I think that if there was a minimum chapter requirement then my chapters would probably be longer so the story would be better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Northern Sage Posted August 18, 2011 Report Share Posted August 18, 2011 [spoiler='One Way Accelerator (Untitled Yu-Gi-Oh! 5d's fanfic by frankjoeseph)']This story has no title what so ever. So the super exciting first chapter is called... [b]chapter one(this is about how the whole thing started, really boring actually)[/b] ...We're in for a treat. [b]The crimson dragon sleeping for centuries felt a disturbance in the world, the barrier between this world and the next had been broken, and someone had sent something, something that did not belong, and it was heading towards Earth.[/b] Yes, this vague doom plot device of vagueness sent by an unknown person really starts sending chills down my spine. [b]If it reached the Earth then terrible things would happen.[/b] More vagueness. [b]Worlds would collapse and people would die, it could not let that happen.[/b] As opposed to the other dragon that guards the Earth and feels that worlds collapsing and people dying is none of its business. [b]For if it did the evils of the world would be resurected and chaos would envelop the world. The crimson dragon flew after it, but he could not catch it, it would land on earth. He would have to use the signers.[/b] The writing here is terrible. MY EYES. [b]Chapter two this is where the plot starts to advance a little[/b] Wait, what? That was chapter 1? That wasn't even a paragraph! [b]The marks of the six signers were glowing as the meteor fell, it had been three years since Yusei had beaten Z-one and now everything was perfect, for the time being. But now the meteor was falling and their marks were glowing, and those two things together only meant trouble.[/b] Don't refer to two polar opposites in the same tense. It's confusing. Also, how the hell do they know that the meteor is falling? [b]chapter three, this is three months later[/b] No. That was a plot summary. Those two "chapters" were plot summaries. They weren't descriptive, nor at an appropriate length for a chapter. Have you ever read a book or a short story? Also, what is the point of referring to something as three months later when time hasn't really mattered for the most part? [b]The meteorite had fallen,[/b] You just referred to this in your second chapter. [b]and inside of it was duel monsters cards,[/b] This really needs some sort of basic, basic explanation. I mean, really, can you say anything else than that they were "inside it"? [b]many many cards, they were sold, and they were all bought by a unknown buyer, nothing had been heard of it since,[/b] Jesus... Does this look like a quality short story to you? Did you ever want anyone to actually enjoy this fanfic? [b]but the landing, as it had become known as had raised the question, is there something else out there? And can it duel?[/b] Obviously it can duel, we're in a universe with it's very basis built upon the card game. Okay, these questions are mildly put, stupid. And nonsensical. What are they doing there? And what's with all the perspective changing? [b]chapter four, just a few more chapters before the duels begin[/b] Right, and the chapters are as short as ever. [b]The cards had been stolen, the person who had stolen them was unknown. but the buyer turned out to be Haldor, the leader of Team Ragnarok, he claimed that he never used the cards, but that they were unlike anything he had ever seen.[/b] Random inclusion of a character that's probably never going to be important again. [b]now it is time for chapter five, which gets it all spinning[/b] [b]Today Team 5ds was going to have a reunion.[/b] That was... a lousy excuse for the plot. I mean, you'd think that these apparently dangerous cards would have them... I don't know, do something before 3 months after it happened if they were going to do something anyways? [b]Akiza walked to the old ener-D reactor to meat Yusei, Jack, Crow, Luna,and Leo.[/b] Oh yes, she's so happy to see them again that she's going to kill them with an axe. [b]When she arrived she saw that eveyone but Jack was there, and Leo and Luna were having a duel. "I synchro summon life stream dragon and attack your ancient fairy dragon, GO life stream dragon, win the duel" said Leo Then exclaimed "Yes! I knew you would do that so I set this" Luna activated the sword and shield spell card and switched ancient fairy dragon's attack and defense points. Leo's life stream dragon attacked it reducing his life points to zero. Luna won the duel.[/b] Okay, some stats would have been nice here at least. [b]By then Jack had arrived, now Yusei started talking " last night the crimson dragon sent me a message, the person that stole those cards from Haldor intends to use them to harvest the duel energy of this world to open a portal from this world to an alternate dimension.[/b] THIS YUGIOH 5D FANFIC BRINGS YOU THE EXTREMELY ORIGINAL PLOT POINT OF OPENING A PORTAL TO ANOTHER AN ALTERNATE DIMENSION. [b]But once that happens this world will die, and their effeorts to save the world from Z-one will have been in vain."[/b] I'm sorry, have I missed out on something in Yugioh 5d's? I was pretty sure Yusei did save the world. Or was this another Z-One that someone else saved the world from? Or is this fanfic just horribly written? [b]"But what can we do to stop it?" asked Akiza[/b] I'm not sure, but I'm afraid it's going to be lots of card games. [b]"I'll tell you what we can do, we can get those cards back" Yelled Jack[/b] He Yelled. He Yelled. He Yelled. HOW THE ... God. This wouldn't autocorrect through Spellchecker, so how did you manage to screw that up? [b]"I wish it were that simple" replied Yusei " I'm afraid that whoever stole these cards has spread them out between his minions."[/b] GASP! The terrifying strategy of spreading cards between minions! This is totally unheard for in a Yugioh! series. [/spoiler] [b]part two[/b] No. I'm done, done, done. This fanfic is horribly written, the author has no idea what a chapter is (or he just wrote it out like that to make it seem longer) and everything in "Part 1" is basically Plot Summary and what tries to, but fails in, hooking the readers and building up the plot, since you obviously didn't care much about the readers actually enjoying the story. As evident by this post: [quote name='frankjoeseph' timestamp='1310349510' post='5344380'] I agree with you on this one, and I think that if there was a minimum chapter requirement then my chapters would probably be longer so the story would be better. [/quote] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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