Yu-Gi-Oh! XCESS

[Zack Blaze]

[font="Georgia"][center][IMG]http://i322.photobucket.com/albums/nn412/zack12354/yugiohlogo.png[/IMG]

Welcome to Yu-Gi-Oh! XCESS! where the sky's the limit! In this fan fiction, you will step inside Zack Blaze's world, as he encounters unbelievable duels, heart-stopping journeys, and incredable rivalries! To submit a character, fill out the form below!

Character Name:
Describe:
Deck Type:
Bio:

[spoiler='Prologue'][IMG]http://i322.photobucket.com/albums/nn412/zack12354/yugiohlogo1.png[/IMG]

[i]Knock! Knock![/i]

“Open up! We have a warrant for your arrest!” A loud voice pounds through the door, being muffled by the door, but still able to be heard clearly. There is no answer at the door, as 16 year old Zack Blaze is too frightened to open the door. He quickly rushes upstairs to his room as the police pound on the door once more. “Open up or we’ll be forced to break the door down!”

Zack reaches the upstairs hallway, then quickly runs into the first room on the right. He hears a loud bang down stairs, and he knows what it is. It was the police knocking down the door. They were coming after him! The police charge upstairs at they, break open the first door to the left. Nothing there. Then, they break open the first door on the right, only to find an open window, with the midnight breeze slowly blowing the curtains back and forth. Zack has escaped --- for now.

He was on the run, breathing heavier and faster with each step. He stops at a nearby alleyway, then turns and runs into it where he finds a green garbage can. He runs and hides behind it, where he drops to his knees and takes three deep breaths before closing his eyes. He can hear the sounds of the street: the bar across the street, Fallen Tavern, where people are stumbling in and out of the door way, yelling loud and obnoxious things. But Zack doesn’t hear that, he hears peaceful sounds, sounds that he only hears when he is alone.

Ever since he was a little kid he always dreamed of being a Professional Duelist, he always wanted to be the one on TV. He wanted to be the one everyone cheered for as he crushed his rivals. But he knew his dream was very unlikely to come true. He was born into poverty, his family barely making enough to get through. When he was 11 years old, he took a job sweeping floors after hours at the Fallen Tavern. And when he made enough money, he walked down to the local card shop and bought all the Duel Monster cards he could. Finally, after 2 hard years of working, he was finally able to complete his deck. That day made him proud, because he knew he was one step closer to his dream.

Zack opens his eyes and reaches into his worn out jeans pocket and pulls out not the whole deck, but a single card. This card was very special to him, as it was his first card he ever bought. The card was Blackwing Armor Master. He loved this card with all of his heart, and he wouldn’t let anything come between him and Blackwing Armor Master. He could hear the running briskly down the street, trying to find out where he was, but he didn’t move an inch. After a few moments, the police passed, and Zack felt safe once more. He closes his eyes once more, and drifts fast asleep.[/spoiler]

[/center][/font]

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

Since it's short, I can do the whole paragraph by paragraph thing.

[quote name='Shura the Blue Flame' timestamp='1309286427' post='5317326']
[i]Knock! Knock![/i]

[b]Who's there?[/b]

“Open up! We have a warrant for your arrest!” A loud voice pounds through the door, being muffled by the door, but still able to be heard clearly. There is no answer at the door, as 16 year old Zack Blaze is too frightened to open the door. He quickly rushes upstairs to his room as the police pound on the door once more. “Open up or we’ll be forced to break the door down!”

[b]First paragraph and it's kinda awkward to read. Example: How many times can you shove 'the door' into four sentences? That entire section could have been written with the word door being used once (i.e. the first time) rather than being used over and over... and over.[/b]

Zack reaches the upstairs hallway, then quickly runs into the first room on the right. He hears a loud bang down stairs, and he knows what it is. It was the police knocking down the door. They were coming after him! The police charge upstairs at they, break open the first door to the left. Nothing there. Then, they break open the first door on the right, only to find an open window, with the midnight breeze slowly blowing the curtains back and forth. Zack has escaped --- for now.

[b]Of course he knows what it is; the warrent kind of gave it away and they said they were going to arrest him. Also, present text... hmmm...[/b]

He was on the run, breathing heavier and faster with each step. He stops at a nearby alleyway, then turns and runs into it where he finds a green garbage can. He runs and hides behind it, where he drops to his knees and takes three deep breaths before closing his eyes. He can hear the sounds of the street: the bar across the street, Fallen Tavern, where people are stumbling in and out of the door way, yelling loud and obnoxious things. But Zack doesn’t hear that, he hears peaceful sounds, sounds that he only hears when he is alone.

[b]Fine. Getting kind of concerned there has been no description of Zack Blaze's appearance yet, although I'm going to take a wild guess at red hair at this point.[/b]

Ever since he was a little kid he always dreamed of being a Professional Duelist, he always wanted to be the one on TV. He wanted to be the one everyone cheered for as he crushed his rivals. But he knew his dream was very unlikely to come true. He was born into poverty, his family barely making enough to get through. When he was 11 years old, he took a job sweeping floors after hours at the Fallen Tavern. And when he made enough money, he walked down to the local card shop and bought all the Duel Monster cards he could. Finally, after 2 hard years of working, he was finally able to complete his deck. That day made him proud, because he knew he was one step closer to his dream.

Zack opens his eyes and reaches into his worn out jeans pocket and pulls out not the whole deck, but a single card. This card was very special to him, as it was his first card he ever bought. The card was Blackwing Armor Master. He loved this card with all of his heart, and he wouldn’t let anything come between him and Blackwing Armor Master. He could hear the running briskly down the street, trying to find out where he was, but he didn’t move an inch. After a few moments, the police passed, and Zack felt safe once more. He closes his eyes once more, and drifts fast asleep.

[b]BAM as ace card, fair enough. However if this guy is really poor and has only been able to scramble together odd packs, I'd be annoyed to see him have a complete, competitive collection of all the Blackwings. Would go against his background. Still no physical description. Also, he goes to sleep in the middle of an alley, while the police are looking for him? You ain't going to be safe for long sunshine.[/b]
[/quote]

Generally not great first impression I'm afraid. Awkward to read and just... really didn't do anything for me. Why are the police after him? Probably some petty unfair discrimination against poor people. Zack's hinted at ability to be serene and detect nature's finer senses? Meh.

Kinda sums it up. Not awful compared to some on here, but meh at best.

[ShadowQueen]

I kind of agree with BZ there, but I'd still like to see a real first chapter. I also definitely agree that Zack's deck would be more of a mismatch of random cards (though obviously having at least 1 Blackwing Tuner for BAM), kinda like Jonouchi's cards leading into Battle City, or Yuma Tsukumo's deck.
So please don't be disheartened and share your story with us