The White Wolf Posted June 25, 2011 Report Share Posted June 25, 2011 [i]"My powers are getting stronger. Tempting me to do things I couldn't have imagined. Sometimes, I don't even recognize myself." "...but now I understand that this is my life. There’s no going back. That the 'gift' of these powers would be my burden 'till the day I die."[/i] — Cole MacGrath (Multiple Quotes) [i]"Nothing worth doing is easy. Without your help, they are all going to die."[/i] — Kuo [i]"Why help people who hate you? Call you a Devil?[/i] — Nix [i]"Right or wrong, it's my life. And I choose how to live it."[/i] — Cole [spoiler=Prologue: Cole and the World] Around the world, government helicopters were picking up dead Conduits and returning them to Washington DC. Underground, another First Son's Base. The First Sons stole the Conduits' bodies and placed them in pod-like machines. With their technology which is 100 years ahead of time, they created clones of the Conduits. But these ones, were alive. They recreated the Power-Transfer machine and enhanced it, this time with the ability to change normal people into Conduits. One by one, they're manipulating the new Conduits into joining their new cause: Cole MacGrath and the World. The RFI, killed Cole, right? ...Half right. One week after New Marais, Zeke took Cole's casket, and prepared to bury it in the destroyed Empire City at Ground Zero, the site of the Ray Sphere explosion. Only yet another Lightning Bolt struck the casquet. Before Zeek knew it, the casquet top shattered, and what smashed it, none other than Cole's foot. Cole got out of the coffin, rubbed the back of his neck and twisted it, fixing a crank in his neck. He looked at Zeke, raised his hand "Half as long." Cole stated. Zeke replied with tears in his eyes "Twice as bright."[/spoiler] [spoiler=Chapter 1: Cole, meet the Government] Zeke threw Cole the same clothes he wore during the events of The Reapers, Dust Men and First Sons "Here Brother, prefered these ones anyway." "Thanks Zeke." Cole stated as he put on the jacket and changed his pants and backpack. "Where's the Amp?" he asked. "Over here, hang on a sec." Zeke stated as he left the area and ran towards the boat. During that time, a Government Helicopter landed in front of Cole. A Large buff man walked out of it, nervously reached for the gun on his belt in case of a need for self-defense. Cole raised his hand and focused electricity into it "Tell me who you are and what you want or I'll fry you like a piece of bacon." The man, now obviously frightened, raised both his hands in surrender. "The president wants to meet with you Mr. MacGrath, it'd be wise to come with me." Cole, remembered something John said long ago [i]"My guess is they'll lock you up, and only let you out when they need someone wiped off the map."[/i] "Sorry, not interested." Cole replied. The man pulled out his gun and aimed it at Cole "Well then, I guess we can't allow you to go free now can we?" "I guess not." Cole replied as he stood still, arms crossed. A gun's trigger was pulled. But it wasn't the man's... it was Zeke's. The man fell down, dead. The helicopter then flew away before either Cole or Zeke had a chance to stop it. Zeke walked up to Cole and handed him the Amp "Damn feds." is all he said "C'mon brother, let's get to the boat." On the boat, Zeke explained the situation "Some of m'boys in New Marais said that they saw the feds takin' dead Conduits' bodies." "You still have 'boys'?" Cole asked. "Hey I'm bein' serious here man. Now some of 'em think they're probably doin' the same around the world. Hey man, think they're tryin' to revive 'em?" Zeke asked. "Wouldn't be surprising." Cole responded. "Well, Washington DC?" Zeke asked. "And go against the Army, the Government, Revived Conduits and Gangs?" Cole asked. "Yup." Zeke responded. "Wouldn't want anything else in the world." Cole responded with a grin on his face.[/spoiler] [spoiler=Fragment: Visions] [u]Day Two: 1043 Miles From Washington DC[/u] In the middle of the night, Cole was tossing and turning in his bed. A dream? No... A nightmare? No... A vision? Yes... Cole saw volcanoes all over Washington, a man, around the same height as Cole, was causing it. Destruction just at the snap of his fingers. Cole recognized him, but he didn't know how. "The Beast..." he stated in his sleep. John was The Beast, right? Right. Was he revived? No. Lightning storms became stronger as Cole's vision became worse and worse. Zeke ran in and found Cole tossing and turning, he pushed him around, yelling "C'mon man! Wake up!" But it didn't work. Cole finally calmed down... but, started up again, worse this time. A lightning bolt struck the boat, destroying the engine and severely damaging the entire boat. It was sinking. Zeke grabbed Cole, and jumped out the window. 20 yards away was the shore. Zeke managed to keep Cole dry as he made it to shore, but passed out immediately when he climbed onto shore. "The Beast." Cole stated in his sleep, once again.[/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kakashi Hatake Posted June 25, 2011 Report Share Posted June 25, 2011 Is this supposed to be continuing off of an ending to InFAMOUS 2 or something? I don't remember him dying. D: Anyway, the story looks like it is going to be pretty cool. Keep it up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The White Wolf Posted June 25, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 25, 2011 he dies in the Good Karma ending Yeah, after inFamous 2, I'm also gonna do an evil version, working on the hero one first thought, but they're both gonna start with the same prologue, so Cole ends up with Ice Powers either way No doubt I'll keep it up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The White Wolf Posted June 25, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 25, 2011 Added a fragment and Chapter 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The White Wolf Posted July 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 bump, looking for a co-writer to help me make longer chapters, and maybe probably help me with personalities, I've always had a problem with that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The White Wolf Posted July 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 11, 2011 bump, working on Chapter 2, hopefully it's gonna be longer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Northern Sage Posted August 22, 2011 Report Share Posted August 22, 2011 With the diminishing amount of quality fanfics on the forums in mind, I bring you yet another review series. If you don't like 3-star members criticizing something they probably couldn't do better themselves, nor probably have any idea what they're talking about, then you are in the wrong topic. Today we're going to look at inFamous: Cole vs the World by Shooting Star Dragon. I'm going to make a tiny nitpick here and say that the title should be inFAMOUS, but I'm not petty. It's better than the last one, at least. And hopefully a bit clever. [b]Prologue: Cole and the World[/b] ...Scratch that. The author has chosen to constantly refer the chapters as this. It's better than just "Prologue", though. I guess. [b]Around the world, government helicopters were picking up dead Conduits and returning them to Washington DC.[/b] Okay, this is fairly decent as far as writing goes. It doesn't make me want to tear off my hair. [b]Underground, another First Son's Base. The First Sons stole the Conduits' bodies and placed them in pod-like machines. With their technology which is 100 years ahead of time, they created clones of the Conduits. But these ones, were alive. They recreated the Power-Transfer machine and enhanced it, this time with the ability to change normal people into Conduits. One by one, they're manipulating the new Conduits into joining their new cause: Cole MacGrath and the World.[/b] Why must you quickly disappoint me again? This switches constantly between past and present tense. And what's with all the extra commas? [b]The RFI, killed Cole, right?[/b] [b]...Half right.[/b] You know that it's a generally bad idea to write a fan fiction in a way that only the people who are well versed in the universe of where the fan fiction takes place understands what's going on? Backstory, people! [b]One week after New Marais, Zeke took Cole's casket, and prepared to bury it in the destroyed Empire City at Ground Zero, the site of the Ray Sphere explosion. Only yet another Lightning Bolt struck the casquet. Before Zeek knew it, the casquet top shattered, and what smashed it, none other than Cole's foot. Cole got out of the coffin, rubbed the back of his neck and twisted it, fixing a crank in his neck. He looked at Zeke, raised his hand "Half as long." Cole stated. Zeke replied with tears in his eyes "Twice as bright."[/b] IT'S ALIVE! IT'S ALIVE! ...So, the lightning bolt resurrected him. Is this what the author thinks lightning bolts do in real life or is this some kind of important in-universe plot point that should really be mentioned/explained? Or is this because the author couldn't think of any better plot device? [b]Chapter 1: Cole, meet the Government[/b] And since the prologue was pretty short and not much happened in it, let's move on to chapter 1. [b]Zeke threw Cole the same clothes he wore during the events of The Reapers, Dust Men and First Sons[/b] PUNCTUATIONS. Also again, referring to something in-universe, probably mostly to avoid having to describe exactly what he's wearing. [b]"Here Brother, prefered these ones anyway."[/b] That... doesn't make any sense too. Why was he holding on to Cole's clothes when he was going to bury him and believed he was dead? [b]"Thanks Zeke." Cole stated as he put on the jacket and changed his pants and backpack.[/b] Will there ever be a stop to all this "stated" madness? Seriously, have you ever heard someone "state" a thank you before, like in real life? [b]"Where's the Amp?" he asked. "Over here, hang on a sec." Zeke stated as he left the area and ran towards the boat.[/b] Is this Crazy Prepared or what? Wasn't this guy, I don't know, going to bury him? [b]During that time, a Government Helicopter landed in front of Cole.[/b] ”During that time” refers to a period of time previously happening in the story, not the present. That’s ”meanwhile” or ”at that moment”. [b]A Large buff man walked out of it,[/b] Ah, the extremely normal buff skin color. [b]nervously reached for the gun on his belt in case of a need for self-defense. Cole raised his hand and focused electricity into it "Tell me who you are and what you want or I'll fry you like a piece of bacon."[/b] You know, these electrical powers would have been good to mention somewhere earlier, so that the resurrection or whatever I should call it made some sense to the readers. [b]The man, now obviously frightened, raised both his hands in surrender. [/b] If the government knew so much about Cole already, shouldn’t he be that afraid already? I mean, he is a government official, and Cole hasn’t really done anything except showing distrust at him. [b]"The president wants to meet with you Mr. MacGrath, it'd be wise to come with me."[/b] See what I mean? [b]Cole, remembered something John said long ago [i]"My guess is they'll lock you up, and only let you out when they need someone wiped off the map."[/i][/b] You know, with proper punctuations, this would look really look like John said it. However, now it looks like it could just as well be a cow standing on the island. [b]"Sorry, not interested." Cole replied.[/b] [b]The man pulled out his gun and aimed it at Cole "Well then, I guess we can't allow you to go free now can we?"[/b] THEY’RE THE BEST! You’d think government officials would be good enough in diplomacy not to reveal that yet, since they can’t really know how Cole sees this. And why... ...Wait. Why did the president even send the official anyways? Didn’t everyone think he was dead? Still, another plot hole is why did they only send one man if they really wanted him captured, and knew he was dangerous? Even if they only came to pick up the body, they’d at least think there would be some kind of risk, right? [b]"I guess not."[/b] ...Cole just answered that question. He’s psychic. [b]Cole replied as he stood still, arms crossed.[/b] First we have no punctuations, now we have misplaced punctuations. [b]A gun's trigger was pulled. But it wasn't the man's... it was Zeke's. The man fell down, dead.[/b] And I who thought he fell down because of heart failure. [b]The helicopter then flew away before either Cole or Zeke had a chance to stop it. Zeke walked up to Cole and handed him the Amp "Damn feds." is all he said "C'mon brother, let's get to the boat."[/b] And the punctuations are all over the place. [b]On the boat, Zeke explained the situation "Some of m'boys in New Marais said that they saw the feds takin' dead Conduits' bodies."[/b] [b]"You still have 'boys'?" Cole asked.[/b] [b]"Hey I'm bein' serious here man.[/b] That sort of question is usually serious. [b]Now some of 'em think they're probably doin' the same around the world. Hey man, think they're tryin' to revive 'em?" Zeke asked.[/b] [b]"Wouldn't be surprising." Cole responded.[/b] [b]"Well, Washington DC?" Zeke asked.[/b] [b]"And go against the Army, the Government, Revived Conduits and Gangs?" Cole asked.[/b] [b]"Yup." Zeke responded.[/b] [b]"Wouldn't want anything else in the world." Cole responded with a grin on his face.[/b] When the reader is getting annoyed over the repetitiveness of the wording, you’re doing something extremely wrong. [u][b]Day Two: 1043 Miles From Washington DC[/b][/u] [b]In the middle of the night, Cole was tossing and turning in his bed.[/b] Well, enough with that nonsense. Let’s get over to more important things, like Cole tossing around in his bed..? Weren’t we 1043 miles from Washington, and as of the last part of the first chapter, in a boat? [b]A dream? No...[/b] [b]A nightmare? No...[/b] [b]A vision? Yes...[/b] God, that was painful. Who writes this way? [b]Cole saw volcanoes all over Washington, a man, around the same height as Cole, was causing it.[/b] This story would have at least been a bit more interesting if the author had bothered to describe things like where Cole is, where this mysterious man is and overall given some sort of landscape to the entire story. [b]Destruction just at the snap of his fingers. Cole recognized him, but he didn't know how.[/b] Normally recognition stems from the fact that the recipient has seen whatever he recognizes, but I don’t know, maybe there are other types of recognition? [b]"The Beast..." he stated in his sleep.[/b] STATED? STATED? GOD, this replacement of said that is so commonly misused. [b]John was The Beast, right?[/b] [b]Right.[/b] This is a horrible way to put in exposition. [b]Was he revived?[/b] [b]No.[/b] [b]Lightning storms became stronger as Cole's vision became worse and worse. Zeke ran in and found Cole tossing and turning, he pushed him around, yelling "C'mon man! Wake up!"[/b] The description of him tossing around in his bed is officially wrong. Why is it even there? [b]But it didn't work.[/b] [b]Cole finally calmed down... but, started up again, worse this time. A lightning bolt struck the boat, destroying the engine and severely damaging the entire boat.[/b] [b]It was sinking.[/b] [b]Zeke grabbed Cole, and jumped out the window.[/b] Okay, so it’s a boat with cabins? That would have been good to put somewhere before this to avoid, I don’t know, confusion? [b]20 yards away was the shore. Zeke managed to keep Cole dry as he made it to shore, but passed out immediately when he climbed onto shore.[/b] [b]"The Beast." Cole stated in his sleep, once again.[/b] Again with the ”stated”. Which proves that it wasn’t a mistake by the author, but rather that he thinks it’s the correct way to use the word. Okay, time for my five cents: It’s not half-bad, but there are more plot holes than in a swiss, incorrect grammar and other things that makes it harder to read spread throughout. The story isn’t made for anyone new to the series, therefore limiting the number of people who can fully enjoy the story. ... [i]In the middle of the day, I was tossing and turning in the chair.[/i] [i]A video? No.[/i] [i]An image? No.[/i] [i]A comment? Yes.[/i] [i]I saw flaming all over YCM, a user, at the same rank as I, was causing it. [/i] [i]”The troll” I stated in my agony.[/i] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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