Nathanael D. Striker Posted June 16, 2011 Report Share Posted June 16, 2011 I was bored and decided to do a Fan-fiction about YCM. It has been a while since I have done a Fan-fiction, so comments are appreciated. [spoiler=Introduction] YCM is full of drama, but it can also be full of friendship and fun. I plan to use this Fan-fiction, if you can call it that, to show the best and worst of YCM. By doing so, I plan to save me from being bored as well as give you a good show. I will be using peoples’ usernames in this. If you don’t want to be mentioned, drop a PM.[/spoiler] [spoiler=Part 1: The Spamming Saga (Not Finished)] [spoiler=Chapter 1: “Don’t They Read the Rules?”] It was another glorious day in a city filled with beauty as well as disaster. The birds were out singing their songs, but if you listened hard enough you could also hear police sirens a few blocks down in the Status lane. Yep, another crime took place in the city. One can find it funny that a crime happens daily. If you are wondering what city we are in, we are in YCM city. “Looks like we have another case of a spam vandal,” said one of the police officers picking up the evidence. “This time they used a spam grenade.” “Don’t they ever learn?” asked another police officer. “Honestly Roxas, some days I wonder if they even read the laws I worked so hard to create.” “I really don’t know Frunk,” responded Roxas as he grabbed a bag from the car and sealed the bag with the grenade inside. “They have the experienced members mentioning it and giving them the book of laws.” “Well, that is there problem then.” Frunk headed to the police car with a smug look on his face. “Our work is done here Roxas,” stated Frunk as he got into the police car. “Let us head back to base to warn the suspect responsible.” Roxas nodded and went into the car with the grenade safely placed inside the evidence bag. He then started the car so him and Frunk could return to the Police Station.[/spoiler] [spoiler=Chapter 2: “Trouble in the Café”] On the other side of town, The Treehouse Café was in full swing. It was 3:00 pm and the majority of the customers were drinking their root beer in the newly refurbished dining hall or dueling in the arena next door. Then, The Treehouse Café’s owner walked in. He was somewhat of a respected member, but he did have an ego that only hurt him. He had a blue suit on, which resembled the suit worn by Phoenix Wright. His name was Striker. “How are we all doing today?” he asked his customers. His customers told him that they were doing fine. “I’m glad to hear that. I just want everyone to know that your root beer is on the house today!” His customers gave off a big cheer as Striker headed to his office. He noticed that the latest YCM newspaper was on his desk. [I]Ah Alex, what am I going to do without you,[/I] he thought. Striker sat down on his office chair and noticed a story about a recent spam attack. [I]I’m betting that it was another n00b causing trouble around the Status Lane.[/I] He turned the page to the story and read on. He stopped right at the point where they mentioned a spam grenade. [I]This can only be the work of a professional spammer. The question is, who?[/I] Striker soon had bigger problems when a fight started to break out in the dining hall. [I]Not again![/I] He rushed out of his office so he could stop the fight. “Hey guys, cut it out!” yelled Striker as he pulled one of the brawlers away. “You guys know that fighting results in getting kicked out of the Café.” Striker escorted both customers outside of the Café. “You two can come back in a week. Now good bye.” Striker was just about to close the door when a police car pulled up in front of the Bar. [I]What do they possibly want now?[/I][/spoiler] [spoiler=Chapter 3: “The Threat”] Two figures stepped out of the police car. As usual, it was Frunk and Roxas, but they were holding a bag that appeared to be containing a spam grenade. [I]This cannot be good,[/I] he thought as Frunk and Roxas entered the Café. Striker walked out of his office and confronted the two officers. “Good afternoon gentleman,” he said to gain good favor. “What can I help you with?” “Hello Striker,” replied Roxas. “We need to discuss something with you, privately.” “It is a matter of urgency and we don’t want to disturb everyone here,” added Frunk. “Sure guys,” responded Striker. “We can talk in my office.” Striker lead the police officers into his office and closed the door. “So gentlemen, what can I do for you?” “Well Striker,” started Roxas. “I’m sure you are aware of the recent spam attack in Status lane.” “Yes, I am aware of that attack. I don’t see how that has anything to do with me.” “We took a look at the grenade used for the attack and noticed that it had markings that involved The Treehouse,” said Frunk as he gave Striker the grenade. Striker took a look at the grenade and noticed what they were talking about. “It looks like a threat against The Treehouse, but why would they attack the Status lane?” “Honestly Striker, we do not know,” replied Roxas. “We have been unsuccessful finding the person responsible. We believe that it is a double account or something.” “I think it is a persona Roxas,” stated Striker. “You cannot track a persona since they are apart of someone else.” “Well Striker, we hope you are right. Until this mess gets settled out, you and The Treehouse are in danger,” added Frunk. The police officers said a few more things, thanked Striker for his hospitality, and left. [I]I wonder if the person responsible is someone I know,[/I] he thought as he picked up the phone. [I]I’m going to need back-up for this adventure.[/I] [/spoiler][/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jolta Posted June 16, 2011 Report Share Posted June 16, 2011 A little too short, I'd say. Is Chapter 1 complete yet? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nathanael D. Striker Posted June 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2011 [quote name='♪♫ SF-A2★Miki ♫♪' timestamp='1308196559' post='5286784'] A little too short, I'd say. Is Chapter 1 complete yet? [/quote] I learned that a chapter can be a minimum of 9 lines. Also, spam cases usually don't take a long time. I plan on getting chapter 2 done tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squidward Tentacles Posted June 16, 2011 Report Share Posted June 16, 2011 one of the shorter chapters i've seen, but still pretty good... keep it up ^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nathanael D. Striker Posted June 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2011 Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nexev Posted June 16, 2011 Report Share Posted June 16, 2011 Um, bars serve alcohal. That is what makes them a bar. I really don't think any of the treehouse members are of drinking age. So... why do you have one? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nathanael D. Striker Posted June 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2011 [quote name='Pinkie Pie' timestamp='1308240862' post='5287603'] Um, bars serve alcohal. That is what makes them a bar. I really don't think any of the treehouse members are of drinking age. So... why do you have one? [/quote] Hum, good point. I could make it a cafe instead. Thank you Nex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatPhantomGuy Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 [color=green]Title seemed interesting enough, plus it's not one of those age-old [i]YCM Battle!![/i] fics. Shall we take a look? ... with one of those funny reviews (which actually makes fun of your work and little more) of course.[/color] [quote name='Mr. Striker' timestamp='1308183165' post='5286278'] I was bored and decided to do a Fan-fiction about YCM. It has been a while since I have done a Fan-fiction, so comments are appreciated. [color=green]First rule of YCM, do not talk about YCM.[/color] [spoiler=Introduction] YCM is full of drama, but it can also be full of friendship and fun. [color=green]Heck yeah it is! The drama part, I mean.[/color] I plan to use this Fan-fiction, if you can call it that, to show the best and worst of YCM. By doing so, I plan to save me from being bored as well as give you a good show. I will be using peoples’ usernames in this. If you don’t want to be mentioned, drop a PM. [color=green]... But be sure to mention troller names. And spammers. And idiots. I really don't see why you should ask that users not have their names shown, practically everyone knows the good, bad and ugly on here. Then agian, it's being polite. I bet you must get PMs from a lot of newbies now.[/color][/spoiler] [spoiler=Chapter 1: “Don’t They Read the Rules?”] [color=green]No, no one EVER reads the rules. Including me.[/color] It was another glorious day in a city filled with beauty as well as disaster. The birds were out singing their songs, but if you listened hard enough you could also hear police sirens a few blocks down. Yep, another crime took place in the city. One can find it funny that a crime happens daily. If you are wondering what city we are in, we are in YCM city. [color=green]Beauty and disaster?! Bird songs and police sirens?! Crime in YCM?! Another glorious day?! Sounds like regular old YCM. Minus birds. And no, I wasn't wondering what city it we are apparently in, we are OBVIOUSLY in Canada. 'Cause it is now a city.[/color] “Looks like we have another case of a spam vandal,” said one of the police officers picking up the evidence. “This time they used a spam grenade.” [color=green]It's a bit awkward this transition. Who's this police officer, where is he, and what happened?! And I wonder if the unknown spammers use other spam-related weaponry, like spam-guns or spam-swords.[/color] “Don’t they ever learn?” asked another police officer. “Honestly Roxas, some days I wonder if they even read the laws I worked so hard to create.” [color=green]So the first police officer was Roxas. Coulda just said that in the first place to avoid confusion. And like what I said before, no one EVER reads the rules, so why would spammers of all people even bother?[/color] “I really don’t know Frunk,” responded Roxas as he sealed the bag with the grenade inside. “They have the experienced members mentioning it and giving them the book of laws.” “Well, our work is done here Roxas,” stated Frunk has he got into the police car. “let us head back to base to warn the suspect responsible.” Roxas nodded and went into the car with the grenade safely placed inside the evidence bag. He then started the car so him and Frunk could return to the Police Station. [color=green]As, not 'has'. The conversation here confused me, and the detail of what is Roxas and Frunk's surroundings is still unclear. Plus Roxas at this point looks like a magician, sealing random evidence bags and finding grenade pieces around the city, not mention Frunk having a police car appear out of nowhere... ... wait the chapter's over?! Talk about insanely short. Well your grammar and spelling is great and I comend you for that, BUT detail and the dialogue need improvement. Explain where they are at, besides in YCM City, go deeper, like in front of a hotel or in an alleyway. One more thing that really threw me off also was sentences like [i]'stated Frunk [s]h[/s]as he got in the police car'[/i]. The car was never explained before so it's like he was a magician and made one randomly appear next to him. I think you have a good concept and an interesting story that could unfold. But you just need to take time while writing, that's how good work and writing shows.[/color][/spoiler][/quote] [color=green]Yes, I only reviewed the first chapter, I should probably do the second though... The chapters were incredibly short, I know that an actual chapter can have a couple lines and for a short story that'd work great. But if you're going to make a story about a YCM City, small nibbles like these sometimes won't statisfy readers who come across this fic, seeing as YCM is a huge place and bunches of stuff is always going on. I'd say put chapters one and two (and possibly three) together to make one chapter. But as far as chapter length and storyline goes, it is entirely up to you. So I bid you farewell, and look forward to more.[/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nathanael D. Striker Posted June 17, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 Thank you for your comments Phantom. I fixed the [s]h[/s]as error. I'm also going to act on your suggestion and put Chapters 1-3 into a part. Maybe I'll add 4 and 5 for good measure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jolta Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 Why do I have a feeling I'm the villian... Ah well. I'm still waiting for the 'adventure'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 Let me preface this by telling that I'm judging this entirely by literary standards, not my own opinions of the people the characters are based on. I like short chapters. There are too many stories on YCM with too much filler, as though writing a lot somehow equates to writing something of quality. There was an saying in my old writing circles, "I've never seen so many words used to express so little." And since it seems to have very little filler, that's a plus... As for the story itself, I'm not really feeling it. What exactly are the consequences of a "spam attack" and what does a "spam grenade" do exactly? I mean, I know what they do on this site generally, they cause a mild annoyance, but if the people are only mildly annoyed, it's not really all that threatening. As for the individual characters themselves... they need more character. I could swap every instance of "Frunk" and "Roxas" and it'd be pretty much the same story. All I know is that they're both "cops" or mods or w/e. Striker doesn't fair any better. I remember watching this REALLY long Star Wars Episode 1 review, and he begins by asking random people (I assume his friends) to "Describe the following Star Wars character without saying what they look like, what kind of costume they wore, or what their profession or role in the movie was. Describe this character to your friends like they aint never seen Star Wars", the longer the description, the "better" the character. Not gonna tell you the results, but I'm sure you can guess which trilogy (prequel or original) won that. In any case, that's not the point. If I were given that question right now, I don't think I could answer for any of the characters that I've been presented with thus far. In any case, I don't think that's the end all, be all for right now. You've barely even begun and you still got time to make a good story. But I suppose... just stuff to consider for the future (or for a re-write). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Womi Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 Keep it going. And make it so that Crab is reeeeeaaaaaaaaaally fat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nathanael D. Striker Posted June 17, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 Thank you very much Pika. I tend to go short and sweet but to the point with the things I write/type. I'll take your comments into consideration with the chapters ahead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nathanael D. Striker Posted June 18, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 18, 2011 It seems that I'm stuck. I'm trying to find a creative way of introducing the first villain in chapter 4. Suggestions are appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nathanael D. Striker Posted June 20, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 20, 2011 BUMP? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted June 20, 2011 Report Share Posted June 20, 2011 [quote name='ThatPhantomGuy' timestamp='1308274953' post='5289002'] [color=green]Title seemed interesting enough, plus it's not one of those age-old [i]YCM Battle!![/i] fics. Shall we take a look? ... with one of those funny reviews (which actually makes fun of your work and little more) of course.[/color] [color=green]Yes, I only reviewed the first chapter, I should probably do the second though... The chapters were incredibly short, I know that an actual chapter can have a couple lines and for a short story that'd work great. But if you're going to make a story about a YCM City, small nibbles like these sometimes won't statisfy readers who come across this fic, seeing as YCM is a huge place and bunches of stuff is always going on. I'd say put chapters one and two (and possibly three) together to make one chapter. But as far as chapter length and storyline goes, it is entirely up to you. So I bid you farewell, and look forward to more.[/color] [/quote] To expand a bit: Chapters can be short, but that's only when you have a fully-published novel and you're a good enough writer to actually be able to experiment like that. This is a serial fic that cannot be considered "professional." (No offense.) For a story in which the chapters are released one by one, each one should be at least 3 pages in word at normal size and spacing. :3 @Pika: A short chapter can be good, but only when you can strike the fine balance between description and plot in so many words. Otherwise, it's boring and/or filler, regardless of advancement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nathanael D. Striker Posted June 20, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 20, 2011 Thanks Rinne. I might have Chapter 4 done by tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted June 20, 2011 Report Share Posted June 20, 2011 [quote name='Kyubey' timestamp='1308579681' post='5297177'] @Pika: A short chapter can be good, but only when you can strike the fine balance between description and plot in so many words. Otherwise, it's boring and/or filler, regardless of advancement.[/quote] I agree. This isn't one of them though, in my opinion. Besides, I see many more "lots and lots of pointless filler detail" chapters in other fics as opposed to "plot moving chapters". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jolta Posted June 21, 2011 Report Share Posted June 21, 2011 [quote name='Mr. Striker' timestamp='1308437112' post='5293595'] It seems that I'm stuck. I'm trying to find a creative way of introducing the first villain in chapter 4. Suggestions are appreciated. [/quote] Errr... flies, Emits Radioactivity... and destroys the treehouse? And comes in twos. *bighint* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EndlessOcean Posted June 21, 2011 Report Share Posted June 21, 2011 Can I be in it? You can guess from my username what sort of person i could be, or maybe a minor villain. Also, like the fanfic. Bit short for 3 Chapters, but i don't really mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted June 21, 2011 Report Share Posted June 21, 2011 [quote name='♪♫ SF-A2★Miki ♫♪' timestamp='1308660457' post='5300058'] Errr... flies, Emits Radioactivity... and destroys the treehouse? And comes in twos. *bighint* [/quote] That would just completely take me out of the story. I imagined it so far like a kind of old fashioned detective story. I dunno, I imagina Roxas and Frunk wearing suits and bowlers and talking in that old 1920's gangster movie style, so to just suddenly have a magic Jolta thing would ruin everything the story built up so far. As for introducing the villain, you don't have to do it right now. A minor villain, who talks a lot about the major villain in a "cult-like" way? They confront the villain, and it turns out to be just a lesser minion of the important guy, warning the protagonists of bigger threats to come before being banned/killed. Also, begin slowly adding in more characters so you don't know who the true mastermind is until the very end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nathanael D. Striker Posted June 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 Interesting ideas guys. Pika, I think I might just do your idea. Insanious, minor villain for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted June 22, 2011 Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 By chapter three, you might even have one chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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