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[Sar19]

Lockity!

[Sar19]

I NEED FEEDBACK! Please! Anyone?

[Sar19]

All I want to know is if it's interesting and detailed. Anyone?

[Sar19]

PLEASE! ANYONE!

[Sar19]

ANYONE? I could use the advice!

[Sar19]

Bump :(

[Guest Supreme Gamesmaster]

~~ Please Note ~~

This is a darker, more serious type of Percy Jackson.

A pity, since the appeal of Percy Jackson was in its snarky narrator in the first place. But oh, well.

This Fan Fic is an alternate reality of the Percy Jackson series, thus there are no characters from it except the gods and all of that.

Mostly, I'd like criticism on if my writing is detailed or not and if the plot is somewhat interesting. Thank you!

Don't worry. I'll snark about your awkward prose and shallow characterization, just like you said.

In all seriousness, I'll try and keep it in mind.

Extra note: Please tell me what you think! I want to improve in my Fan Fic making!

So long as you have a sense of humour, a dash of humility, and an ability to interpret acerbic riffs? Read on and improve. :D

In retrospect: I relied overmuch on obtuse references, so humour won't really help. I was also really, really harsh. But a) I'm inevitably going to be harsh on a plot involving mythology, especially Greek, and B) I'm tired. It's not too bad insofar as the writing goes. The plot and characters, though...

 

If you're willing to read through a really harsh review to improve, read on.

[spoiler=In the not-too-distant future...]

“Where is the camp? Answer me!”

 

Lian kicked the half-blood in the stomach. It was cruel, for the half-blood was already lying on the ground, helpless and defeated.

And that's terrible.

 

Lian didn’t care, however. He didn’t show mercy and didn’t fight with honour since honour makes you weak.

...um, we didn't ask.

Anyway, five sentences is and we already have the "honour-makes-you-weak" thing. You do realize that the glorification of honour in battle is Roman, not Greek. It's why the Romans hated Odysseus.

 

He enjoyed it, beating up a demigod at 11:00 P.M. in a narrow and pitch-black alley.

I was criticized on my Yu-Gi-Oh! story for making a two-dimensional and overly unsympathetic villain, mainly because I made a two-dimensional and overly unsympathetic villain. Lian, however, makes Takemasa Masaru look like a boy scout with pages of character development. And we're, what, six sentences into the story?

 

The boy coughed up blood. “Why do I have to talk to stupid and weak half-bloods?!”

You know, Lian, you'd probably get a lot farther and a lot faster if a) you weren't the most obvious antagonist ever and B) you didn't beat your targets to within an inch of their life before you tried to squeeze some information out of them. Maybe you could even, I don't know, befriend one of your enemies and just ask where the camp is? Or does friendship make you weak, too?

 

Lian kicked the boy one more time. He groaned, and then lay there unconscious, his blood staining the ground.

If you do pick up my friendship plan, I don't think you're vulnerable to becoming the mask, either. You're pretty obviously psychopathic as it is.

 

“Waste of my time. Not ONE half-blood or minor god that we’ve encountered knows where the camp is!”

It's not so much that they don't know as that by the time you ask, their lungs don't work.

 

Lian had found countless stray half-bloods. He enjoyed watching the tears swell up in people’s eyes as he repeatedly tormented them. It made him feel giddy watching the life leave the victim’s eyes as they withered on the ground. They died soon afterwards. Of course, Lian wanted to squeeze any information out of the worthless demigods that he could about the location of Camp Half-Blood.

But that's really just an afterthought. Meaningless torture is the main goal.

 

“Zalei will not be pleased with the results. On the other hand, she’ll love to hear how I screwed up this poor…boy”.

Zalei is either Lian's evil master or his nagging wife, and I'm guessing Lian's marital relationship resembles Urotsukidouji.

 

Lian wished to execute more torture on the fallen victim,

Protip: You can't torture someone that's unconscious. Unless you know Dream Eater.

 

but he had to return to the leader of the unofficial quest for Camp Half-Blood right away.

And by "quest," we mean "torture-fest." It rhymes, you see.

 

“Time is something we may not have if news reaches them that 3 rogue half-bloods are making their way to Camp Half-Blood”.

Thanks for saying so, Mr. Exposition.

Again, you really could have made things easier on yourself if you'd taken a diplomatic approach. Seems to be the way most villains are doing it these days. Or is that just Pretty Cure the stuff I read?

 

Lian anticipated the moment where he would inflict severe pain on every demigod he could lay his hands on, but he had to forget about that now. Lian walked away from the distorted corpse

Okay, you definitely can't torture someone that's dead. That's right out.

 

and hopped onto the black motorcycle he had stolen a few days ago. He revved the bike and made a u-turn in the alley and sped off.

String a few more and's onto that sentence and you'll start to sound French.

 

As of 2 days ago, they were in some city in New York.

Wow, that's specific. It could be Manhattan, Queens... I guess cartography comes second to blood and gore in these guys' minds, though.

 

At some point Lian, Zalei and Phrilos were given a hint that the camp was near the area, but so far no one has told them anything else.

...wow. I actually don't know who Phrilos is at this point. Well done.

 

Lian could sense the presence of demigods being in the area at some point, but it was faint so he couldn’t follow it and wasn’t sure where to look next. He just hoped that there would be a stronger presence somewhere else; perhaps East, in the Long Island area.

Which narrows the list of cities down to Manhattan, the Bronx, and Staten Island (for the record, I'm from Buffalo).

 

“First, I’ll return to our camp site to discuss with the other two what we do next”.

Er, punctuation goes inside dialogue quotes.

 

---

It was nearly midnight by the time Lian’s motorcycle appeared in front of their campsite. Lian turned the motor off and hopped off to find a teenage girl waiting there for him. The girl was around sixteen years old and had grey hair, as grey as a thundercloud.

Aaaand now we know Zalei's power.

 

Her skin was very pale, almost as white as snow, and her lips were as red as cherries. She looked like she could be someone famous, for she was dazzling in an evil way.

Evil is a common trait among famous people in this world. ...what, was that inappropriate?

 

In all, the female figure looked like a vampire.

Ooooh, she was literally dazzling! She would be famous; Twilight is so (in)famous I can slip in an obtuse reference like that and have people actually understand it.

 

She stood there, her crimson red eyes eyeing Lian. At last, she spoke. “Anything from this one?” she asked, eager to hear of what he did to the unfortunate lad.

"Come to me, Tyrrel, soon at after supper, and thou shalt tell the process of their death."

 

Lian scowled. “The poor excuse of a half-blood knew nothing. A weak, inferior being; he just lay there like he was waiting for Christmas. I punched him in the face, which knocked him to the ground. Then, I repeatedly kicked him in the stomach.

Geez, that's dispassionate, even for a Blood Knight. If he gets off on this sort of thing, you'd think he'd be a little more... excited.

 

Maybe he couldn’t speak because blood was coming out of his mouth, but I think it’s because he was frightened.

"It couldn't be because I punctured his lungs with his ribs." Really, the horror of it is so cartoonish I can't comprehend it, but it's really terrible villainy, too.

 

Ah, Zalei, our only lead is East, and even that I’m beginning to wonder…”Lian stopped, for Zalei was kissing him, her left arm around his neck and her right arm pulling his head towards her.

Whoa. She's actually his nagging wife. ...I was being sarcastic.

 

Zalei held there, and so did Lian. They stayed like that for a few seconds and then pulled away from each other, both smirking.

 

“Let’s not worry about it. Soon, we’ll destroy that camp and everyone in it”, the quest leader whispered in a soft voice. “We’ll get rid of the barrier the demigods and gods made and then nothing will stop us”.

Aha, this is a "break-the-Great-Hakurei-Barrier" plot. There's even an omnipotent border goddess sitting around and conveniently not interfering in the plot. Ah, Chaos, mother of Gaea and Ouranos, first deity in the Greek cosmology, I adore you, and I've captured your infamous tenth Spell Card, and I play as you in Hisoutensoku and Imperishable Night.

 

Lian’s grin widened, “You are so dark and vicious. That’s why I took an interest in you”, Lian told her.

Ha ha. Evil as you are, Lian, you're not the one taking interests here.

ZUN once said that even a powerful idiot can't cause too much harm. I disagree; it's the idiots that do most damage. This is a good example of that.

 

They locked eyes, both smiling their evil smiles. They knew that a violent fight would take place soon, and they would take great delight in being a part of it.

---

Phrilos was lying down under a tree, staring at the night sky. Lian casually walked up to him. Phrilos turned his head. “Beautiful night to go torture another half-blood, eh, Lian?” He said this while taking out his dagger made of celestial bronze from its cover and inspecting his smile.

Ho, ho, awkward description. It beats long, disjointed descriptions with minimal effort, but "his dagger made of celestial bronze?" Without any commas? At least say "his dagger, made of celestial bronze," if not "his celestial-bronze dagger.

 

It was as horrifying and intimidating as ever.

If you say so. :/

 

Mixed with his evil blue eyes and dark brown hair, Phrilos was a scary figure. He managed to scare off most people he passed. Of course, he was a child of Phrike, the goddess of horror, so what did you expect?

Phrike, the goddess of horror... in literature. I can't believe I get to say this again after MySTing Leid der Toten, but... YAAAA-RAAAA-REEEE-TAAAA!

 

Lian drew a breath. “Ya, but the sucker didn’t have any information.

No, no, that one could have told you the way past the barrier! It's just you didn't have the patience to ask until you'd already killed 'im.

 

Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. Finding the camp, destroying the magical barrier and killing everyone.

Yanno, I've put off asking this, but:

Why?

Just because you're a bunch of unimaginative psychopaths? Or do you pretend to have some kind of motive? Don't tell me that even Zalei is employed by some genocidal deity. And if you pull "revenge of the minor deities" yet again, Imma hurt you.

 

I’m off to bed. C’ya”. Lian yawned and tried not to fall asleep while making his way to his tent.

I know the feeling. What am I doing, critiquing a story at twenty-three o'clock?

---

He was exhausted by the time he made it to his tent. It irritated Lian that the quest their godly parents gave them had barely gotten anywhere.

...omg

This makes so much sense.

Phrike is the goddess of horror, as invoked in literature. In other words, she's the goddess of horror movies. How better to do her job than to set a bunch of psychopathic, gorn-obsessed morons on a hunt for Camp Half-Blood and a murder spree against all half-bloods? It's a textbook horror plot! And if they're really good, they can weed out some of their enemies by manipulating Lian and co...

 

They travelled quickly, travelling through every place in the United States except for Long Island.

Let's go everywhere except the biggest, most populous, most famous city in the nation, where all the stories take place. Great idea. >_> Really, you're demigods; don't you know that deities follow the faith? Then again, you didn't bother asking nicely before you attacked, so you're already closer to a nine-ball than an eight-cloud, but...

That may have been the most obtuse reference I've made so far. O,x

 

“Our parents said that it was in the U.S.A, but I’m beginning to wonder if they tricked us so the journey would be more difficult. For all we know, the camp could be in Antarctica!”

More evidence that the deities are honestly just doing this for kicks and giggles. Amoral, yes, but very Gensokyo-like, and possibly a good way to get rid of enemies.

 

Lian kicked a stone that was on the ground and watched it sail through the air and disappeared into the thick trees of the large forest they were in.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

Lian isn't the protagonist, is he?

 

Lian figured that all of his anger was released for the day and entered his tent. No possessions in there besides his trusty sword made of half-celestial bronze and half a metal mortals called Titanium.

Immortals didn't bother capitalizing the T for no reason. I mean, really! It's on the Periodic Table of the Elements! What are they supposed to call it, Zorpox?

Okay, that's the most obtuse reference I've made so far.

 

The blade was long but light and had a snake with its forked tongue sticking out engraved on the blade. “Odamoran. Translated from an ancient language to “impending doom”.

Isn't this where you show off your Google Translator skills proficiency in ancient Greek? "An ancient language," what's that?

 

Lian had shed the blood of many monsters and demigods with it, and though he polished the sword daily, there were still faint bloodstains on the beautiful but deadly weapon.

 

Lian lived a life of pure aggression and crime. Lian, Zalei and Phrilos were able to do it. They couldn’t be stopped no matter what.

Unless, yanno, a deity happened to glance in their direction and realize they were all blatantly villainous.

 

Their trio consisted of the 3 children of Moros, Peitharchia and Phrike. Respectively, they are the gods/goddesses of doom, obedience and horror.

Aha, there's symbolism there: they're doomed, they're blindly obedient, and I've already discussed how they're as stupid as horror movie villains. Peitharchia is a virtue, though (not to me, but to ancient Greeks).

 

Lian, Zalei and Phrilos put together created the most chaotic and cursed trio of demigods in the history of the world. They had caused wreckage and death everywhere they went.

Mainly because their parents said, 'Oh, by the way, Camp Half-Blood is in the USA, wanna go kill everyone in it for no good reason?'

 

Mortals everywhere had come to the conclusion that the largest gang ever formed was on a killing spree.

No, no, the Nazis have already passed. GODWIN'S LAW GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

Lian chuckled at the thought. “They think it was hundreds of mortal people that caused all of it. Mortals are always blinded by the Mist. We are stronger than an entire army of them!“

Thanks for telling us, Mr. Exposition.

 

"Anyways, enough about them. Soon, when we take down Camp Half-Blood and the gods won’t have heroes to do their dirty work, they’ll call all the other gods and come down here where our parents will ask every single god to join them in the biggest rebellion against the gods the world has ever seen. Earth will crumble into chaos and we shall tower over Olympus! We will be the gods of the new age!” Lian though that “happy” thought while he crawled into his sleeping bag and dosed off. Of course, he had a dream.

Ah, plot details. You said you wanted to see if the plot was any good, right? From the mythology geek himself, here we go:

Moros isn't actually a god, but instead a daimon. He's also Nyx's daughter. He's the sister of the Fates, beings only Chaos can hope to match. He's more of a Fate than a god. In other words, he has no reason in the world to rebel. He's already vastly more powerful than the gods, or rather, he's on a different level from them entirely.

Phrike... eh, if you give her the Riordan treatment, I guess I'll take it. Still not an actual goddess, though. She's another daimona.

I'm shocked you didn't catch this one, though: Peitharchia is the daimona (not goddess) of obedience to command. She's rebelling against her command. What's wrong with this picture?

Mythology aside, you pulled "revenge of the minor deities" again. It's clobbering time.

 

---

The dream opened up to a throne room. Dark marble pillars stood tall and made a path towards the center of the room. In the center, a tall throne made of obsidian towered over Lian. When he looked up, the night sky held no stars and the moon disappeared behind the thick sheet of clouds. Lian wasn’t the least bit frightened by the room. In fact, it was rather cozy.

Dark room, dark void where his heart should be... It matches up.

 

A shadow moved in the corner of Lian’s eye. He quickly turned to his right, but there was only a wall of dark-looking rock alone, standing peacefully. Lian shook his head. “All right, father. The mystery isn’t a mystery anymore. I very well recognize your throne room and I know about the part where you sneak up on me”.

Please tell me Lian isn't our protagonist. He's the shallowest and most cartoonishly evil villain since Johan Anderson.

 

A pause, and then a dark figure emerged from behind one of the pillars. The figure was pitch-black in the dark of night, but Lian was able to make out deep purple eyes and black hair – as black as the night – with a beard of the same color. The figure wore black sandals for footwear and a black robe covered every inch of his skin besides his feet and face.

You've been using British spellings throughout, but you're using American settings and colloquialisms? I didn't think I'd meet someone else who did that Pick one.

 

He had a smile on his face. “How’s my boy!” the god of doom asked Lian.

 

Lian grinned. “I’m doing… alright”. Moros raised his eyebrow and Lian adjusted himself. “I’m doing fine. Father, it’s good to see you. I trust that you’ve been watching our journey with interest?

 

Moros nodded. “Yes, I have, and I must say that it hasn’t gone that far. I wish that I could find the camp but they have some sort of magical barrier that blocks it from being detected”.

 

“Can you not just teleport inside the camp?” Lian asked.

You've gone on a road trip of pure Chaotic Evil all across the USA. It probably took you at least a month. It's a little late to be asking questions.

 

“Oh, all of the things I wish I could do. Sadly, the gods placed their own enchantments on the camp. No minor god is able to get in. We can’t even find the camp! I am considered a minor god. My brother, Thanatos, does not like how Zeus and the other Olympians don’t want our kids to mingle with the other gods and our children to be around other demigods. It’s why we hate them, and they won’t change.

Huh. So it's an issue of the kids? But Thanatos has a pretty sweet deal, venerated, like Hades, by even the modern world. Not to mention Moros isn't a god anyway, so of course he's not going to interact with the gods. And why would he? He's got his family: Nyx, Erebus, the Fates.

Not to mention, I must wonder if this couldn't have been resolved by Thanatos taking five minutes to chat with Hades about a resolution to bring up at the next Olympian Council or whatever they call them.

 

The gods are arrogant, ignorant and scared for their family. We’re family as well”. Moros then let out a laugh. “They fear us and our powers. All of the gods with a power that frightens them.

So they're scared of the doom-bringer, the... obeyer... who sucks at her job, and the horror movie goddess, but not the necromancer-children of Hades? Wow. Screwed-up priorities thar.

 

Zalem, for instance, is feared because he can drive anyone mad.

It's okay, Reisen. In the new world of Gensokyo, even you fit in. ...wait, which series are we talking about?

 

These gods need justice. That is why we must destroy Camp Half-Blood. Justice was given to all but us. I trust you, Lian, to aid us in our quest for it”.

If this is about justice, why don't you just go chat with Dike? She's on your side, yanno. Unlike you, she actually is a minor goddess. She'd probably be willing to help.

...I know, I know, stupid villain. But still.

 

Lian quickly said, “Of course, father. I will see to it that Camp Half-Blood and Olympus crumble under our might!” Moros looked at his son with intensely fond eyes.

Yes, he is intensely fond. Seriously, dude, your plan sucks.

 

“You will do great things. I believe in you, unlike the Olympians who don't believe in us”. Moros stepped forward and hugged Lian.

Lian still isn't the least bit sympathetic, yanno.

 

Soon, The embrace ended and the scene changed into nothing but darkness.

 

 

Lian... isn't the protagonist, right? Please say no. I can obviously tear most good mythological plots to shreds, so you can ignore my geekery in that regard, but Lian isn't an anti-hero, he's a psychopath.

[Sar19]

It was my first try at a fan fic. I'll never know how to make good fan fics unless someone says outright that "That is wrong. You need to fix that".

 

You are helping by pointing out what is wrong. I have got a long way to go. Lian IS the antagonist. A psychopath antagonist. you see, I was making it so half of this would be watching Lian and the other from camp where our little "protagonist" will be waiting. Never got the chance to make that chapter, though.

 

I was debating whether or not this should be Chapter 1, or a Prologue. Which?

 

Zalem is the god of madness.

 

I'm overwhelmed with corrections, so for now I'll lock this thing and fix stuff up ('cause I wo't be keeping this up and I'll only revive it when I have somewhat perfected the story). I am not sad that I just made something that needed major improving, but happy that I now know what needs to be fixed...like my knowledge of greek mythology and basically everything about making a story. Thank you!

 

D...do i give you a +rep? What the hell, I'll give you one!

[Umbra]

You don't need to lock it just because it's not exactly in its ideal state; giving other members the chance to comment on the story seems to be exactly what you need, and that's what threads are for.

[Sar19]

I didn't really feel like keeping this up. AND I don't have...another copy. Thems the breaks.

 

I deleted it a while back 'cause I got bored of it, then reconsidered and bumped this up to seee if it WAS good. Then this and then that and now , ah well.

[Umbra]

Alright, if that's what you want, then...