Final Nightmare VII

[Admiral_Stalfos19]

Hi, Admiral_Stalfos19 here, and this is my THIRD stab at making a remotely interesting fanfic. As you can see, it's supposed to be some sort of Final Fantasy VII Abridged Series, and with this chapter... I actually have NO IDEA whether it's good or not. This is somewhat designed for comedic purposes after all, as all Abridged Series are I believe, and you never know what's funny and what isn't unless you get it out there, so yeah, that's why it's up here for everyone to see, so that they can make their own comments on it. But if you guys honestly think that this particular chapter sucks, I can say one thing in defence... it's the first chapter. First chapters are supposed to suck.

And yes, all words underlined in red were made on purpose. They should under 3 categories:

1) Final Fantasy Terminology: What, you'd think Ifrit and Materia and Aeris and stuff like that would be in a normal dictionary?

2) Barrett's Speech: This isn't bad writing; there's butchering the English language, and then there's trying to get Barrett's speech right. There's a difference.

3) A Small, SMALL Miscellaneous Category: I'll let you figure this out for yourself...

Moving on

[spoiler=Chapter le 1st: Magnitude of the Capital Avalanche]T’was a silent night at the city of Midgar, where Aeris, sometimes called Aerith by those who were unable to read her name in the Final Fantasy VII manual, stared up at the roof whilst next to the hearth of the local church. Perhaps she was really meant to gaze into the sky. This didn’t matter though, as she then stood from her kneeling position and exited the door, grabbing a basket that was laden with flowers to take with her as she wandered the streets. Please note that this paragraph is entirely wrong.

Meanwhile, a train slammed on its brakes as it approached the reactor. Cloud’s body soared outside the windscreen as glass shattered into a thousand pieces, before being slammed onto the ground. Cloud slowly got up and prepared to move on inside the building, but was stopped short by his own Buster Sword that landed on his foot, causing him to scream in pain.

“That… didn’t… hurt!” Cloud groaned through his teeth as he pulled the sword out of his sword-stricken foot. Limping his way forward, he stopped at a sign as the pain grew to a scale that was too much for him. The sign pointed in two directions: one of those directions was inside the building that Cloud was headed. It was labeled “Mako Reactor”. The other direction that the sign pointed was back where the train had come from, all the way back down in the far yonder, and had been labeled “A Unicorn”.

Cloud only managed to take so much as a glance at the sign when he was ambushed by MPs. Which he defeated. With ease. Interestingly enough, one of them dropped a Phoenix Down, which had rolled over to Cloud’s feet, as he fell to his knees. Cloud gave a cold, blank stare as he examined it, wondering whether it would be even the slightest of use for his journey, whatever it was.

“Nah, I don’t need this,” Cloud scoffed, tossing the Phoenix Down behind him and entering the facility on foot, presumably already having fixed his foot… somehow. Perhaps it was instantly healed during or after that random battle. It was hard to tell but it didn’t matter. What did matter was that Cloud had encountered another four persons once he entered the facility. They were not his enemies. In truth, they were waiting for him so they could get on with their generic introductions… well, three of them would. Barret on the other hand was thinking of a much more dynamic one.

“Hi there, I’m a fat guy,” said Wedge.

“I’m a complete f***ing tosser,” said Biggs.

“I’m a tranny,” said Jesse.

“An’ I’m ‘da leader o’ AVALAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANCHE!!” Barrett shouted this last word at the top of his lungs, before continuing on with his introduction, “… trademark.”

“Great, another organization that insists on the whole caps lock trend,” Cloud spat, “And here I thought I just came from the only one that could’ve possibly been made.”

“You mean SOLDIER?” Jesse asked in an astonished tone, “But for some unexplored reason that means you’re the enemy. What the hell are you doing here in AVALANCHE, you…? SOLDIER!”

“Ex-SOLDIER, ya dumb blond!” Cloud shouted back, ironically having golden blond hair himself.

“Yo, shut up ‘n’ git a move on, homies,” Barrett interjected, “We gotta blow up a couple o’ machines ‘dat’ll somehow suck da’ planet dry ‘n’ fracture it da’ million PIECES!! Awesome!”

And so the five man army trudged down the hallway into nothingness. Well, actually, they came across a T-junction. Wedge took the first chance he got in trying to escape, and tried to open the door at the far end with his bare hands, but to no avail. The others decided to help by leaving. The next few doors ahead weren’t quite so hard to open; they only required that Biggs and Jesse decipher a code. And by decipher a code; they only required that Biggs and Jesse type the word ‘code’ into the console, and then press the ‘open’ button. Much easier than trying to pry it open with one’s bear hands.

“Awright, everyone in da’ elevator,” Barrett called, “We godda talk ‘dis through ‘n’ all.”

“You just said the mission was essentially just to f***ing blow some s*** up,” Cloud reiterated, “The hell’s there to talk about all of a sudden?”

“Da’ planet’s full o’ Mako energy,” Barrett lectured on, “People here use it every day. It’s da’ life blood of ‘dis planet. But Shinra keeps suckin’ da’ blood out wid’ ‘dese weird machines. Lil’ by lil’, ‘dem reactors’ll drain out all da’ life. Da’ planet’s dyin’, Cloud! F***IN’ DYIN’!!”

“The only thing that I care about is finishing this job before security and the Roboguards come.” Cloud stated emotionlessly, “By the way, what happened to that Phoenix Down I had earlier?”

“We don’ got no time da’ git no Phoenix Down!” Barrett spat back, “We’re on a mission!”

“And what’s gonna stop us from dying out there?” asked Cloud.

“Da’ fact ‘dat we’re main characters,” answered Barrett.

“Eh, good enough,” Cloud replied, “Now let’s blow this thing to smithereens already.”

And yes they were in the elevator at this stage, which was descending to the bottom floor… of EVERYTHING!! Or rather, it was descending to the bottom floor of the reactor. Funnily enough, there was a guide to which floor was which. Beside “Ground Floor”, it read “Mako Reactor”. Beside “1st Floor”, it read “Exit”. And beside “2nd Floor”, it read “A Dinosaur”. Since Cloud and Barrett were talking amongst themselves the whole time, they could only assume Jesse pressed the right button for a change.

“When we blow ‘dis place up,” Barrett boasted as he and Cloud finally got to the reactor, “’’Dis ain’ gonna be nuddin’ more ‘dan a hunk o’ junk! Cloud, you set ‘da bomb.”

“Shouldn’t you do it?” queried Cloud.

“Jus’ do it, mudderf***er!” Barrett spat back.

“FINE!! JEEZ!!” Cloud began to set up the bomb, frustrated that Barrett wouldn't do so. Then again, Barrett did have a gatling gun for a right hand, so one wouldn’t think he was able to. Some random voice tried to stop him, but he ignored it as it was probably from a minor character. It took only a matter of minutes to arm the bomb, and the two were already briskly walking back to where they came. But suddenly, a giant robot had jumped from the building that previously contained the elevator, preparing to land straight in front of Cloud and Barrett in an attempt to stop them from fleeing.

“Heads up, here it comes,” warned Barrett, pointing his gun at the robot.

“Huh, took it long enough,” replied Cloud, “Initiate Battle Sequence!”

BOSS BATTLE: Guard Scorpion

Staring the oversized mechanical bug down, Cloud reached for the Bolt Materia in his pocket and gripped it tightly. The machine merely just stood there. Whether it was anticipating an attack or twiddling its thumbs was unknown. One thing was for sure. If the was any emotion that was on the Guard Scorpion, it would most likely be boredom.

“ELECTRAMAMONVIBEMINDAVAKAJOAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!” Cloud hurled the Materia at the Guard Scorpion. It soared many feet, and it bounced a couple of times, before finally coming to a rest at the Guard Scorpion’s feet. Nothing. Taking advantage of the lack of results, the Guard Scorpion opened fire, immediately sending Cloud scattering and darting all over the place.

“Holy s***, dog!” Barrett exclaimed, “Hang on Cloud, I’ll see if I cin distract it.”

Barrett kept the gun pointed at the giant robot and sprayed a handful of bullets at the thing, hoping to attract its attention, whilst still right out in the open. Apparently he didn’t think this through, as now the robot turned to fire a couple of rounds down at him. Barrett managed to deflect the majority of them with his gun, but one of them managed to get him in the balls. And boy did that hurt. Barrett was out of action, but Cloud managed to retrieve the Bolt Materia. Now if only he could actually use it properly.

Regardless, the two main characters hacked away at the Guard Scorpion, slowly and painfully. But then, just as they were about to finish the fight, the robot began to raise its tail and shake violently, as if it was going to blow up or something. Except there was no way it could because just like the vast majority of all the other enemies in the world, once its HP was depleted it would only flash red and then… disappear.

“Be careful Barrett, it’s gonna counterattack with its laser!” Cloud warned, “Attack while the tail’s up!”

“’Dat’s whatcha NOT supposed ‘da do, ya retard!” shouted Barrett.

“Well I’m doing it anyway! LAAAAARRRRRRRGHH!!” Cloud charged recklessly at the giant robot and slipped on a banana skin, letting go of the potion he had in hand at the time. It soared in the air, before the bottle smashed on the robot’s body, the elixir within healing some of its wounds. A bright light shone at the very tip of its tail, seeming to signify a bad omen.

“We are so screwed,” Barrett admitted.

At that moment, the robot fired a laser from its tail, which it was spinning around and around. And around and around. And around and around. It was going in a spiral alright? Jeez, way to kill the idea of adding words to a story. Now where was I? Oh yeah… that. But then, out in the middle of nowhere, was a man in a grey suit aimed a rocket launcher at the thing.

“Metal f***ing gear, b****,” the man fired a rocket at the robot, which caused it to explode, before slowly disappearing into the shadows, “Mwaha, Metal Gear.”

“Wait a minute, was ‘dat Solid Snake?” Barrett asked.

“Holy s***, that was too!” Cloud responded, “What the f***’s he doing here for?”

Before this question even had a chance to get answered, a big blaring siren initiated, warning them they had 10 minutes to get their asses out of that reactor. Why? Because otherwise they’d be caught in a massive explosion from their own bomb, and this would lead news reporters to tell everyone that AVALANCHE was performing a suicidal raid on Mako Reactor 1. And we all know suicidal raids are stupid.

“Come on, Cloud,” Barrett said after a brief sigh, “Led’s jus’ walk on outta here,”

“Walk?” Cloud sounded surprised, “Shouldn’t we be running?”

“F*** runnin’!” Barrett scoffed, as he started to walk his way back through where he, “We got plenny o’ time! ‘Dere ain’t no need ‘da waste no energy on no runnin’”

“Well… there IS the imminent threat of DEATH right in front of us, but whatever floats your boat, I guess… wait a minute, where the f*** did you go?” Cloud looked all over for Barrett, but for a second there, it was all to no avail. But after he stopped being such a blind bat, Cloud managed to see Barrett down the other end of the catwalk, already a few seconds ahead of him.

“Keep up, mudderf***er!” Barrett yelled, so that Cloud could hear him.

“I thought you said you said we had plenty of time!” was Cloud’s only retort.[spoiler=End of Chapter 1]Could Cloud and Barrett walk their way out of Mako Reactor 1 before it exploded on them? Why was Barrett insisting there was no need to run? And how the hell did Solid Snake get here? You can find these answers, and perhaps some other interesting things, by sticking around to read Chapter 2.[/spoiler][/spoiler]

Again, any constructive criticism will be greatly appreciated. You heard me: CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. I.E. No trying to tell me it sucks balls without providing at least some form of proof (also known as an explanation).

[Admiral_Stalfos19]

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[Admiral_Stalfos19]

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