Catterjune Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 [quote name='The Swift Assaulter' timestamp='1310160650' post='5338760'] ]I'll be back tomorrow to finish my review on chapter 2. If my review is bad, I understand why. My reviewing skills are very low and I was trying to do this review in a similar style to how Supreme Gamesmaster did his review, but is different in ways I'm not sure about. [/quote] The problem with most "reviews" on YCM is that they're not funny and the don't really address the problem with the story. Also, the "point-by-point" rebuttal thing isn't funny if you have nothing to say. [quote name='Dwarven King' timestamp='1310169868' post='5339110'] Pika, you misunderstood. The undead moved to the bigger cities where more people are. So these people do patrols so they know when the undead have started moving back to smaller towns. Understand now? [/quote] How do your characters know this? [quote name='Dwarven King' timestamp='1310169868' post='5339110'] And I'm sorry if the gun confuses me. But trust me, America won't let some German soldier move from Germany to America with German weapons in his bag. So it can't be a vteran with a gun. [/quote] My mom worked as a customs agent at LaGuardia Airport. World War 2 ended long before 9/11 and all these screening techniques, so no, I don't think a German Soldier with a gun in his possession would somehow not be allowed entrance into the US. You know, I actually bothered to look up this gun because apparently it's so integral to the plot. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Walther_P38 Which brings me to two important points: 1: The gun doesn't look all that weird to someone who doesn't know all that much about guns. I don't know much about guns, and if I saw that thing lying on the ground, I wouldn't think twice about it. Which is why James, who's established as just a kind of normal guy, being the one to find the gun is peculiar is weird. Either he knows about guns, which makes the whole "I don't know about guns so let's have Jack explain it" exchange pretty out of place, or he doesn't know about guns which means he wouldn't pick it up in the first place. 2: They sell those kinds of guns in America anyway. A quick google search could have alerted you of that. I mean, I'm fine if that's the road you intend to go down, but then it's kind of weird to have an established character do things that they have no knowledge of. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted July 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 Ouch. It seems my "sources" erred. Hmm...I'll replace it with a more fitting gun. Like...a HK G36K "short" (Kurz) Assault Rifle. It's a modern, German Assault Rifle used by the German military today. Now I know FOR SURE that there would be no way a gun like that would be just let in...and it's not sold in stores...so I'm sure it would look weird. Here is a picture: [spoiler=Rifle][img]http://world.guns.ru/userfiles/images/1289119240.jpg[/img][/spoiler] Will that make more sense Pika? Also...the group is smart. They did what I would do in a zombie apocalypse. Watch the zombies...see if they actually migrate to their food...see where they go for their food (in this case bigger cities as they have the bigger population)...live my life out in the environment OPPOSITE of what they are seeking (in this case small towns since there are less people). Make sense? Basically they don't just sit in a corner and pray to God and cry all day. They actually learn how to survive against the undead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kyng's Old Account Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 Hey King, just read it so far and I think it's great work. Please continue...seriously, 'cause otherwise my friend here...*zombie snarls*...will get mad. But seriously, good read! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted July 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 [quote name='Kyng of Ice' timestamp='1310182891' post='5339560'] Hey King, just read it so far and I think it's great work. Please continue...seriously, 'cause otherwise my friend here...*zombie snarls*...will get mad. But seriously, good read! [/quote] *takes Dwarven Warhammer to Kyng's "friend"* I'm sorry, you were saying? And thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 [u]Re: The Gun[/u] A quick google search showed up no results in buying the gun. So yeah, civilians can't really have it. ... Unfortunately, that doesn't mean it's impossible to acquire in the states, just that it's impossible for CIVILIANS to get it. According to lolwiki, the United States Capitol Police and Baltimore City Police Department both have these weapons issued. They're also used by the Mexican Federal Police. PEOPLE are smuggled in from Mexico all the time. GUNS should not be as difficult. My problem isn't even the gun in and of itself. It's that the guy who found it has no reason for bringing it back. He sounds like a civilian so if he brings it back, I'd think either: 1) Whatever current weapon he had ran out of ammo or broke while he was fighting zombies so he grabbed a random one he found lying on the street. Only when bringing it back to the base did someone point out it was a peculiar gun. 2) James WAS knowledgeable about the gun from the start, and you just kind of need to fix the story a bit. Instead of James going "IDK what this is" and giving it to Jack, James should just take it and tell everyone what it is and why it's important or w/e. 3) Similar to number 1, the group is stockpiling weapons, obviously, to fight off the Zombies should something occur. He finds it on the street during a patrol. They tell 'em it's weird. He gives it to Jack. [u]Re: The People[/u] Watching the zombies doesn't sound all that smart, and you'd be more likely to get yourself killed that way. The closest I've been to a zombie scenario is L4D, so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about, but the smartest decision, in my opinion, is to always assume the worst in a doomsday apocalypse scenario. You don't know how fast these things can move, you don't know if they can communicate with each other, and you most likely don't know how this virus is spreading, so really, why risk it? So anyway, they find the girl, no one checks to see if she was bitten? They just bring her into the mansion without a second thought? They don't know how long it takes to be zombified, if the disease travels through air or an exchange of fluids, or really much of anything about the disease. Sure, YOU may have an answer to all of these [i]but the group here does not have access to that information[/i]. And "the group is smart"? I don't buy it for a second. Secondly, and most importantly, the implication that "beefing up security" is even an option (as it implies their current security is lax), the fact that they can go into an open field and just watch the zombies with no fear, that they have food to last them a long time, that they own a fortified yet still somehow elegant and fancy mansion, THAT severely undercuts any and all tension that a piece of "zombie literature" typically has. A zombie outbreak is all about isolation and dread. A small group of survivors, danger around every corner, against a giant horde of zombies. Not 20 guys huddled into a mansion, having "feasts" from the harvest instead of rationing in a spotless house and going out on little field trips to watch the zombies instead of looking for survivors or supplies or the military or something. There is zero tension. [quote]Will that make more sense Pika?[/quote] The VERY last thing you should do is try to appease individual fans. I'm just giving you things to think about, for the most part. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted July 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 You make very interesting points. On the topic of the gun, I think I have figured out a way to fix it. On the topic of the people, it's under control. As for the tension, I'm doing a reverse here...hehe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted July 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 10, 2011 Swifty...Supreme...finished reading? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted July 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 Currently editing Chapter 2. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kōsuke Ueki Posted July 13, 2011 Report Share Posted July 13, 2011 And until you finish, I'll wait and then edit my review for chapter 2. Okay? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AsianGuy1137 Posted July 15, 2011 Report Share Posted July 15, 2011 I enjoyed the start of Chapter 1 because it was able to maintain the same atmosphere of forlorn inevitableness. The little girl seemed mildly lukewarm over her parents' death, but her sudden shift in mood ruined it for me. The sudden change in atmosphere from the intensity of unknown dread knowing that death could lurk in every corner to the cheery, casual tone of the characters was unrealistic. I hoped Chapter 2 would be different, but the mood is still present. Although the community might be relatively safe, that shouldn't lessen the grim reality of the situation they're in. Derik seems to personify this, and his obnoxious and perpetuant behavior seems strained and inappropriate. It's almost like they don't acknowledge that the rest of the world is descending into chaos while people are actually dying. I would understand if you tried to keep an original perspective by focusing on how the characters are trying to contrast the despair of the world with their own staunch resolution to defy and surpass their miserable existence, but the idea isn't really developed. Maybe if a character, like say Derik, would show that he understands how dark their situation is, but tries to be stubborn and persists in his flamboyant display of optimism, that might be a little more understandable. The plot overall is developing slowly and stereotypically. I admired the Prologue because it opened things in a different perspective, showing how the zombie is really just a base animal, trying to satisfy its own urges and following its instincts. I had hoped Ch. 1 would have some kind of artistic parallelism by showing how us humans are really just the same by trying to struggle to survive, even at the expense of others a la Fallout style. So far, though, it seems to be developing into the typical humans living together to try to survive a zombie apocalypse with the same cliched mysterious, strong and silent type with the innocent bystander that he somehow saves and eventually bonds with. The entire community part was pulled off too abruptly and forced with no real consideration of the context or realism. I found it awkward how Jack had to listen to the other character announce his former background before he would accept that he was the supposed gun expert around. The transition seems to provide the rising action to developing the plot, but it shouldn't be used as a way to describe Jack. I think the exposition (Ch. 1) would be better suited to acquaint the reader with Jack's background. After all, if the people had lived together in a small community, wouldn't they already know each other fairly well without Jack having to pretend that he would have no reason to recognize the gun? With that said, I hope the next chapter ties everything together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted July 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 15, 2011 I understand your point. Truly, I do. But there is a method to my madness inside my head. Just know that I am setting the dominoes up in a row right now...and plan to lightly tap the first one in the line. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted July 16, 2011 Report Share Posted July 16, 2011 Pros only review prologues. That's why they're called prologues. [spoiler='Growing Praise and Adulation Episode 19: Tea-Time of the Dead'] [b]This is Leid der Toten (Suffering of the Dead) by Dwarven King. He mentions this is a zombie survival story, which you might have predicted from the title. I’m going to go out on a limb here and speculate on his thought process: [i]Zombies are evil. Hm…what else is evil? [s]4Kids[/s] Disney? No, too evil. Wait, I know![/i] Hitler[i] is evil! And Hitler spoke [/i]German[i]! So that means…zombies speak German? Yeah, probably. I mean, the Nazis were zombies, right? Why else would they be called Nazi Zombies?[/i][/b] No feelings. No thoughts. Nothing. [b]When I first read this, I thought he was telling people how to comment on his story. That’s how whiny authors here are.[/b] Not even a spark of intelligence in it's eyes. [b]It is?[/b] Nothing but shuffling and blind instinct. That's all it is. [b]So it’s…made…of shuffling? What kind of shuffle are we talking about here? Konohana Shuffle? … The first person to post what video game the Konohana Shuffle from gets a rep.[/b] A simple mass of decaying flesh with no real purpose but to follow it's urges. The only noise it makes is the constant moans... [b]The empty mall was crowded the invisible unicorn was pink blab la bla[/b] the occasional scream when an urge hits... [b]Must…resist…urge…to make…joke…about…the word…urge…[/b] and the noise it makes when it runs into something. [b]u c its funy bcas zombies r not vrey smart n tehy run in 2 stuf[/b] It has no purpose, yet it still exists...even though the existence is to simply wander and feast...it still exists. [b]Might I be so bold as to propose that [s]its[/s] it’s purpose is to wander and feast?[/b] The shuffling creature stopped in it's mindless wondering. [b]How do you wonder mindlessly? I mean, is wondering a property of the mind?[/b] Something had caught it's attention. A scent. But not like any scent. [b]A scent that was not like a scent. You see, this zombie suffered from synesthesia, and so processed smells as other senses.[/b] It was a scent that it had not smelled in a long time. The scent of living flesh. And it was close. Oh...it was very close. [b]Is living flesh really all that rare? You could try hunting mice or… While we’re stopped here, let me tell you about how to use an ellipsis ‘…’ (Have I done this before? Eh, screw it.). Ellipses are technically used to indicate a space where something has been omitted, such as “Obama…killed…the…Speaker of the House”, where the original sentence was “Obama sadfaced when his proposed budget was killed by Republicans, led by the Speaker of the House” (how’s that for journalistic integrity?) However, this relegates my favorite punctuation mark to a mere time-saving tool, and it’s far more than that. It is often used to indicate where someone has trailed off, or paused in mid-sentence. In short, the ellipsis is the literary equivalent of the theatrical and cinematic (beat). It’s all about the silences – beats are the soul of both comedy and drama. Its length is malleable, but it’s never much more than a second or two. Go watch a TV show with tight dialogue like [i]Lie to Me[/i] or maybe [i]Monk[/i], and find the beats. Hell, watch a stand-up comedy act. Most of them can be boiled down to: “So the other day I was [something]…beat…[punchline]” for an hour. Uh, I was talking about something, right? My point was, that last sentence back in [i]his[/i] story (as opposed to my tangent), uses a poorly placed ellipsis, which should be replaced with a comma.[/b] The internal instinct took over, and the creature took off in the direction of the scent as fast as it could. It's twisted ankle slowing it down, but causing no visible pain. [b]That’s not a sentence. No seriously, it’s not. Those are both dependent clauses. But enough of me being a grammar [s]Nazi[/s] zombie. Previously, this was written in third person omniscient – the narrator new that the shotgun target had smelled something, and that it was something it hadn’t smelled in a long time and all that. Now we’re in third person limited, because the narrator [i]thinks[/i] it isn’t pained by the twisted ankle, but can’t actually tell one way or the other.[/b] The creature rounded a corner and slammed into a wall, not being able to fully control it's movements. [b]Am I supposed to laugh or…?[/b] It did not waver though. Instead, it pressed on. As it continued, it tripped over debris, lodged it's foot in a hole, and ran into another wall. [b]Zombies are dull…until they swarm. Then they’re mildly irritating.[/b] But it continued it's pursuit. The instinct would not let it stop. It had to have the source of the scent. It had to feast on the living flesh... Around another corner it came before finally running straight into a wall. Confusion did not come to mind. It had no thoughts. Only hunger. And ever lasting hunger. [b]But seriously, please explain how zombies are supposed to apocalypse-ify the world. They don’t seem much better than Goombas to me. I mean, imagine if a guy turned into a Goomba, and whenever he bit another person, they turned into a Goomba. The most exciting thing that would happen would be the 1Up you got if you managed to jump on them all. And Mario doesn’t even have a shotgun.[/b] The creature began to claw at the flat wall before it realized the scent was now coming from below. Without thinking, the creature dropped down and found a small hole. To small for it to get into, but the scent was coming from within, and it was driving it crazy. It had to have the source! [b]Ever noticed how the immortality of zombies is inversely proportional to how far into the apocalypse we are? Pre-End of the World they’d be able to slaughter an army of tanks (if such an army chose to materialize), but by Act Three baseball bats do the trick. Talk about Power Creep…[/b] That's when the scream was heard. In the small hole before the creature, a high pitched scream emitted... [b]A scream emitted…what? What did the scream emit? … [i]Oh[/i], you mean a scream emitted [i]from[/i] the hole…[/b] and it only drove the creature into a bigger frenzy. [b]“I once had a frenzy, and it was THIS big!”[/b] It slammed it's arm into the hole, reaching back as far as it could. The flesh was in the hole. It was alive. The creature had to have the flesh! It stretched even further, waving it's arm around madly, trying to reach in. It's hand ran across material that felt a lot like the material around it's legs. It was so close...just a little further... [b]Zombies do have one advantage they have never bothered to utilize. They could technically stretch out their limbs an extra few inches by dislocating a couple of joints here and there… …yep, just go ahead and picture a decaying zombie popping out its elbow joint.[/b] The creature flew away from the hole and landed on it's back. It was not aware of what happened...or how it happened. Only that it was hit by something cold and hard, but it still had to have the flesh! It looked up, just before trying to get back up, and spotted more flesh. Unbelievable! Two bodies of living flesh! Right here in front of it! There was still food afterall! [b]Afterall, Captain of the Third Legion of the Elven Patrol.[/b] That's when something caught it's eyes. In the living flesh's hands was something long and somewhat shiny. Could that have been what hit it on the shoulder only moments ago? The living flesh stood over the creature and lifted the object in the air. The creature started to get up, but never allowed it's eyes to leave the object as it began to descend. Down to earth...right to where it's head was. It no longer wanders the earth, shuffling around aimlessly until the instinct takes over. No longer does it run into things as it shuffles along. No, the creature no longer deals with such trivial things. [b]Now it deals with much more important things, like…uh…lying completely still. And…suffering the effects of rigor mortis.[/b] It's life...life with no purpose...is no more. [b]Zombies are dead. Well, undead.[/b] For it's existence has finally ended. [b]Does that make it…ReDead? Hm, well, that’s it for Chapter Prologue (as Crab Helmet would have it). I suppose I didn’t analyze the story all that much, did I? Well, it seems exactly like a zombie survival story would be…bland and uninteresting. I mean, seriously, why would I ever be scared of a zombie? Like ninjas, zombies are weak in groups – the difference is that as the numbers decrease, they don’t become any stronger. I mean, as long as I survive the initial rampage – where the zombies actually pose a threat – I should be fine as long as I don’t mind eating lots of canned beans. Incidentally, Word does not keep synesthesia in its dictionary.[/b][/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AsianGuy1137 Posted July 16, 2011 Report Share Posted July 16, 2011 Ignore the above pathetic attempt at a review. It's nothing but obnoxious, mindless diatribe that ignores all the finer points you're trying to convey by focusing on petty grammar errors with no real substance. Half of the comments he makes completely miss the point. I'll take the liberty of personally pointing out how stupid it is. [quote]So it’s…made…of shuffling? What kind of shuffle are we talking about here? Konohana Shuffle?[/quote] Lol, I'm guessing your 4th grade english teacher forgot to teach you about poetic ellipsis which refrains from having a direct center of narration to create an exposition with a non-linear perspective that can be developed from multiple angles. Or, in short, if you're too lazy to read that, the sentence could be read as "There is nothing but shuffling and blind instinct." The 'there is' part is omitted to create a non-passive voice and dramatic effect. [quote]u c its funy bcas zombies r not vrey smart n tehy run in 2 stuf[/quote] U c its funny bcas you're not very smart for making the biggest deal out of the smallest details that never even had a problem to begin with. [quote]A scent that was not like a scent. You see, this zombie suffered from synesthesia, and so processed smells as other senses.[/quote] Or... I know this might sound crazy, but maybe there's more than one kind of scent in the world? ZOMGWTF am I talking about? [quote]While we’re stopped here, let me tell you about how to use an ellipsis ‘…’ (Have I done this before? Eh, screw it.). Ellipses are technically used to indicate a space where something has been omitted, such as “Obama…killed…the…Speaker of the House”, where the original sentence was “Obama sadfaced when his proposed budget was killed by Republicans, led by the Speaker of the House” (how’s that for journalistic integrity?) However, this relegates my favorite punctuation mark to a mere time-saving tool, and it’s far more than that. It is often used to indicate where someone has trailed off, or paused in mid-sentence. In short, the ellipsis is the literary equivalent of the theatrical and cinematic (beat). It’s all about the silences – beats are the soul of both comedy and drama. Its length is malleable, but it’s never much more than a second or two. Go watch a TV show with tight dialogue like Lie to Me or maybe Monk, and find the beats. Hell, watch a stand-up [/quote] First intelligent comment, but ellipsis, although limited to conveying an omission of some kind are used frequently in manga to represent an absence of voice for dramatic effect. Does everyone here really have to be a freakin' grammar and english nazi? For all we know, he's still relatively new to the language. A few errors here and there that DON'T detract from the coherence or make the text illegible can slid. [quote]Previously, this was written in third person omniscient [/quote] Um... No, it really wasn't. It was limited on the immediate stream of consciousness narrative focusing on the zombie, not necessarily implying that the narrator is all knowing. After all, if this was the case, then the narrator should appropriately shift the focus towards the other character present at the scene as well. Otherwise, we might well assume that it's solely focused on the zombie's perspective. [quote]But seriously, please explain how zombies are supposed to apocalypse-ify the world. They don’t seem much better than Goombas to me. I mean, imagine if a guy turned into a Goomba, and whenever he bit another person, they turned into a Goomba. The most exciting thing that would happen would be the 1Up you got if you managed to jump on them all. And Mario doesn’t even have a shotgun.[/quote] Good question, I've always wondered that myself, on top of the fact that dead cells can't process ATP necessary for producing enzymes for conducting any kind of biochemical reaction necessary for movement in the first place. Then again, since this is the prologue, we can assume it's just a small glimpse into the world while the details can be added in future chapters. [quote]A scream emitted…what? What did the scream emit?[/quote] Another example of ellipsis, but this time it's the more deceptive kind the crazy English professors might trick you with on an AP test or something. The location from which the scream was emitted is the object of omission, but the syntax - although awkward - doesn't really distort the meaning all that much. [quote]Hm, well, that’s it for Chapter Prologue (as Crab Helmet would have it). I suppose I didn’t analyze the story all that much, did I? Well, it seems exactly like a zombie survival story would be…bland and uninteresting. I mean, seriously, why would I ever be scared of a zombie? Like ninjas, zombies are weak in groups – the difference is that as the numbers decrease, they don’t become any stronger. I mean, as long as I survive the initial rampage – where the zombies actually pose a threat – I should be fine as long as I don’t mind eating lots of canned beans.[/quote] To be fair, there isn't much story to analyze yet because prologues serve more as a hook than anything else. I personally liked how this one focused on the zombie itself instead of the people trying to survive the zombie apocalypse. I thought the author had a knack for using stream of consciousness narrative mixed with a bit of philosophical intrigue in epitomizing the purposeless existence of the zombie. I was hoping that he would develop this style of writing in future chapters, but well, he still has some way to go. 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Dr. Cakey Posted July 16, 2011 Report Share Posted July 16, 2011 [quote name='AsianGuy1137' timestamp='1310845185' post='5360940'] Ignore the above pathetic attempt at a review. It's nothing but obnoxious, mindless diatribe that ignores all the finer points you're trying to convey by focusing on petty grammar errors with no real substance. Half of the comments he makes completely miss the point. I'll take the liberty of personally pointing out how stupid it is. [b]challengeaccepted.jpg[/b] Lol, I'm guessing your 4th grade english teacher forgot to teach you about poetic ellipsis which refrains from having a direct center of narration to create an exposition with a non-linear perspective that can be developed from multiple angles. Or, in short, if you're too lazy to read that, the sentence could be read as "There is nothing but shuffling and blind instinct." The 'there is' part is omitted to create a non-passive voice and dramatic effect. [b]Alright, let's see if this was a result of me writing my review at midnight, or if I'm right. [quote]Nothing but shuffling and blind instinct. That's all it is.[/quote] I think you missed my point. The sentence "Nothing but shuffling and blind instinct" is essentially read as "There is nothing but blablabla I'm too lazy too type the rest even though this is now even longer than the original sentence". But because of the second sentence, the first sentence is not read as "There is..." but "It is...". Thusly, the two sentences would be read collectively as "It is nothing but shuffling and blind instinct".[/b] U c its funny bcas you're not very smart for making the biggest deal out of the smallest details that never even had a problem to begin with. [b]My point was that zombies do not need any help being less scary than a Global Puppy Rebellion.[/b] Or... I know this might sound crazy, but maybe there's more than one kind of scent in the world? ZOMGWTF am I talking about? [b]That would be the case if the sentence had been properly constructed. Here it is: [quote]Something had caught it's attention. A scent. But not like any scent.[/quote] [s]omg u sed it's agen[/s] As written, the scent was not like any sent. Not "not like any [i]other[/i] scent" - it was a scent not like any scent in existence. In other words, it was an un-scent-like scent.[/b] First intelligent comment, but ellipsis, although limited to conveying an omission of some kind are used frequently in manga to represent an absence of voice for dramatic effect. Does everyone here really have to be a freakin' grammar and english nazi? For all we know, he's still relatively new to the language. A few errors here and there that DON'T detract from the coherence or make the text illegible can slid. [b][s]They can slid?[/s] [s]Yes I do have to be a grammer zombie[/s] The appropriate way to write the sentence would be "Oh, it was very close" (this has a dramatic pause built right into its comma). As written, "Oh...it was very close" seems to give an impression of pausing for thought more than anything.[/b] Um... No, it really wasn't. It was limited on the immediate stream of consciousness narrative focusing on the zombie, not necessarily implying that the narrator is all knowing. After all, if this was the case, then the narrator should appropriately shift the focus towards the other character present at the scene as well. Otherwise, we might well assume that it's solely focused on the zombie's perspective. [b]It was not an omniscient narrator in that it was everywhere, it was omniscient in that it knew things an observer wouldn't. As I said, the narrator had previously known the identity of the scent smelled by the zombie, whereas now it only establishes whether or not the zombie was in pain by visual indications.[/b] Good question, I've always wondered that myself, on top of the fact that dead cells can't process ATP necessary for producing enzymes for conducting any kind of biochemical reaction necessary for movement in the first place. Then again, since this is the prologue, we can assume it's just a small glimpse into the world while the details can be added in future chapters. [b]I'm not talking about this particular zombie, I'm talking about zombies in general. That is, I question the relevance of any story in which zombies figure as remotely dangerous, now that closing doors has been invented.[/b] Another example of ellipsis, but this time it's the more deceptive kind the crazy English professors might trick you with on an AP test or something. The location from which the scream was emitted is the object of omission, but the syntax - although awkward - doesn't really distort the meaning all that much. [b]Let's see who was deceived by [s]an English professor[/s] Dwarven King... [quote]That's when the scream was heard. In the small hole before the creature, a high pitched scream emitted...[/quote] "Emitted" is an active verb. This not an ellipsis, this sentence has the subject "scream"; therefore the scream is apparently doing the emitting. Screams, however, generally emit very little, though they may be emitted by any number sources. One might even go so far as to say they might be emitted [i]from[/i] sources. [s]Does that mean I get a 5?[/s][/b] To be fair, there isn't much story to analyze yet because prologues serve more as a hook than anything else. I personally liked how this one focused on the zombie itself instead of the people trying to survive the zombie apocalypse. I thought the author had a knack for using stream of consciousness narrative mixed with a bit of philosophical intrigue in epitomizing the purposeless existence of the zombie. I was hoping that he would develop this style of writing in future chapters, but well, he still has some way to go. [b]No, I agree with this.[/b] [/quote] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AsianGuy1137 Posted July 16, 2011 Report Share Posted July 16, 2011 Yes, your knowledge of the english language and its grammatical structure is very formidable, but... [quote]by focusing on petty grammar errors with no real substance[/quote] One of my main points is that although there are grammatical mistakes present, they do not detract from the message the author is trying to convey. The comments you made addressing my comments on your original comments (getting kinda confusing) were mostly to point out what you thought of as grammatical mistakes. Your right on those counts, but that only means the author made a small mistake. Your other finer points... [quote]The appropriate way to write the sentence would be "Oh, it was very close" (this has a dramatic pause built right into its comma). As written, "Oh...it was very close" seems to give an impression of pausing for thought more than anything.[/quote] Or it could try to convey that the subject matter the sentences were addressing were left unresolved, possibly for, wait for it... DRAMATIC EFFECT! A slight pause in thought. [quote]It was not an omniscient narrator in that it was everywhere, it was omniscient in that it knew things an observer wouldn't. As I said, the narrator had previously known the identity of the scent smelled by the zombie, whereas now it only establishes whether or not the zombie was in pain by visual indications.[/quote] So your argument is that the description 'no visible pain' immediately establishes the narrator's lack of omniscience? No visible pain is just that, a way to describe that the zombie was in pain, but it wasn't visible; after all, it is a zombie. My original assertion that it's merely following the flow of stream of consciousness techniques stands in place. [quote]I'm not talking about this particular zombie, I'm talking about zombies in general. That is, I question the relevance of any story in which zombies figure as remotely dangerous, now that closing doors has been invented.[/quote] I know what you're getting at. Subplots are usually explained in the exposition. The prologue itself does not necessarily have to address all the details. The author might have some interesting plot twist to address your concern later on, but... [quote]"Emitted" is an active verb. This not an ellipsis, this sentence has the subject "scream"; therefore the scream is apparently doing the emitting. Screams, however, generally emit very little, though they may be emitted by any number sources. One might even go so far as to say they might be emitted from sources.[/quote] The ellipsis I was referring to is the origin of the scream, but if you're going to address petty grammatical mistakes, the sentence can easily be corrected by adding a helping verb or directly stating the subject which would have been the location. In the case of the latter, an ellipsis is actually *GASP* permitted because I've actually dealt with many examples in classical literature texts. [quote]Does that mean I get a 5?[/quote] Coming from a guy who actually did get a 5, not really because small grammatical mistakes shouldn't detract much from the main focus of the story, but if you can review the other 2 chapters and focus more on how the plot develops, you might have a chance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted July 17, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 17, 2011 [quote name='機皇神龍アステリスク' timestamp='1310794902' post='5359647'] Pros only review prologues. That's why they're called prologues. [spoiler='Growing Praise and Adulation Episode 19: Tea-Time of the Dead'] [b]This is Leid der Toten (Suffering of the Dead) by Dwarven King. He mentions this is a zombie survival story, which you might have predicted from the title. I’m going to go out on a limb here and speculate on his thought process: [i]Zombies are evil. Hm…what else is evil? [s]4Kids[/s] Disney? No, too evil. Wait, I know![/i] Hitler[i] is evil! And Hitler spoke [/i]German[i]! So that means…zombies speak German? Yeah, probably. I mean, the Nazis were zombies, right? Why else would they be called Nazi Zombies?[/i][/b][/spoiler][/quote] Thank you for being an unintelligent a****** who assumed I am a complete and utter moron based on the fact that there are zombies in my story. *b**** slaps* Shut the hell up! [quote name='機皇神龍アステリスク' timestamp='1310794902' post='5359647'][spoiler=The rest that I cut out]No feelings. No thoughts. Nothing. [b]When I first read this, I thought he was telling people how to comment on his story. That’s how whiny authors here are.[/b] Not even a spark of intelligence in it's eyes. [b]It is?[/b] Nothing but shuffling and blind instinct. That's all it is. [b]So it’s…made…of shuffling? What kind of shuffle are we talking about here? Konohana Shuffle? … The first person to post what video game the Konohana Shuffle from gets a rep.[/b] A simple mass of decaying flesh with no real purpose but to follow it's urges. The only noise it makes is the constant moans... [b]The empty mall was crowded the invisible unicorn was pink blab la bla[/b] the occasional scream when an urge hits... [b]Must…resist…urge…to make…joke…about…the word…urge…[/b] and the noise it makes when it runs into something. [b]u c its funy bcas zombies r not vrey smart n tehy run in 2 stuf[/b] It has no purpose, yet it still exists...even though the existence is to simply wander and feast...it still exists. [b]Might I be so bold as to propose that [s]its[/s] it’s purpose is to wander and feast?[/b] The shuffling creature stopped in it's mindless wondering. [b]How do you wonder mindlessly? I mean, is wondering a property of the mind?[/b] Something had caught it's attention. A scent. But not like any scent. [b]A scent that was not like a scent. You see, this zombie suffered from synesthesia, and so processed smells as other senses.[/b] It was a scent that it had not smelled in a long time. The scent of living flesh. And it was close. Oh...it was very close. [b]Is living flesh really all that rare? You could try hunting mice or… While we’re stopped here, let me tell you about how to use an ellipsis ‘…’ (Have I done this before? Eh, screw it.). Ellipses are technically used to indicate a space where something has been omitted, such as “Obama…killed…the…Speaker of the House”, where the original sentence was “Obama sadfaced when his proposed budget was killed by Republicans, led by the Speaker of the House” (how’s that for journalistic integrity?) However, this relegates my favorite punctuation mark to a mere time-saving tool, and it’s far more than that. It is often used to indicate where someone has trailed off, or paused in mid-sentence. In short, the ellipsis is the literary equivalent of the theatrical and cinematic (beat). It’s all about the silences – beats are the soul of both comedy and drama. Its length is malleable, but it’s never much more than a second or two. Go watch a TV show with tight dialogue like [i]Lie to Me[/i] or maybe [i]Monk[/i], and find the beats. Hell, watch a stand-up comedy act. Most of them can be boiled down to: “So the other day I was [something]…beat…[punchline]” for an hour. Uh, I was talking about something, right? My point was, that last sentence back in [i]his[/i] story (as opposed to my tangent), uses a poorly placed ellipsis, which should be replaced with a comma.[/b] The internal instinct took over, and the creature took off in the direction of the scent as fast as it could. It's twisted ankle slowing it down, but causing no visible pain. [b]That’s not a sentence. No seriously, it’s not. Those are both dependent clauses. But enough of me being a grammar [s]Nazi[/s] zombie. Previously, this was written in third person omniscient – the narrator new that the shotgun target had smelled something, and that it was something it hadn’t smelled in a long time and all that. Now we’re in third person limited, because the narrator [i]thinks[/i] it isn’t pained by the twisted ankle, but can’t actually tell one way or the other.[/b] The creature rounded a corner and slammed into a wall, not being able to fully control it's movements. [b]Am I supposed to laugh or…?[/b] It did not waver though. Instead, it pressed on. As it continued, it tripped over debris, lodged it's foot in a hole, and ran into another wall. [b]Zombies are dull…until they swarm. Then they’re mildly irritating.[/b] But it continued it's pursuit. The instinct would not let it stop. It had to have the source of the scent. It had to feast on the living flesh... Around another corner it came before finally running straight into a wall. Confusion did not come to mind. It had no thoughts. Only hunger. And ever lasting hunger. [b]But seriously, please explain how zombies are supposed to apocalypse-ify the world. They don’t seem much better than Goombas to me. I mean, imagine if a guy turned into a Goomba, and whenever he bit another person, they turned into a Goomba. The most exciting thing that would happen would be the 1Up you got if you managed to jump on them all. And Mario doesn’t even have a shotgun.[/b] The creature began to claw at the flat wall before it realized the scent was now coming from below. Without thinking, the creature dropped down and found a small hole. To small for it to get into, but the scent was coming from within, and it was driving it crazy. It had to have the source! [b]Ever noticed how the immortality of zombies is inversely proportional to how far into the apocalypse we are? Pre-End of the World they’d be able to slaughter an army of tanks (if such an army chose to materialize), but by Act Three baseball bats do the trick. Talk about Power Creep…[/b] That's when the scream was heard. In the small hole before the creature, a high pitched scream emitted... [b]A scream emitted…what? What did the scream emit? … [i]Oh[/i], you mean a scream emitted [i]from[/i] the hole…[/b] and it only drove the creature into a bigger frenzy. [b]“I once had a frenzy, and it was THIS big!”[/b] It slammed it's arm into the hole, reaching back as far as it could. The flesh was in the hole. It was alive. The creature had to have the flesh! It stretched even further, waving it's arm around madly, trying to reach in. It's hand ran across material that felt a lot like the material around it's legs. It was so close...just a little further... [b]Zombies do have one advantage they have never bothered to utilize. They could technically stretch out their limbs an extra few inches by dislocating a couple of joints here and there… …yep, just go ahead and picture a decaying zombie popping out its elbow joint.[/b] The creature flew away from the hole and landed on it's back. It was not aware of what happened...or how it happened. Only that it was hit by something cold and hard, but it still had to have the flesh! It looked up, just before trying to get back up, and spotted more flesh. Unbelievable! Two bodies of living flesh! Right here in front of it! There was still food afterall! [b]Afterall, Captain of the Third Legion of the Elven Patrol.[/b] That's when something caught it's eyes. In the living flesh's hands was something long and somewhat shiny. Could that have been what hit it on the shoulder only moments ago? The living flesh stood over the creature and lifted the object in the air. The creature started to get up, but never allowed it's eyes to leave the object as it began to descend. Down to earth...right to where it's head was. It no longer wanders the earth, shuffling around aimlessly until the instinct takes over. No longer does it run into things as it shuffles along. No, the creature no longer deals with such trivial things. [b]Now it deals with much more important things, like…uh…lying completely still. And…suffering the effects of rigor mortis.[/b] It's life...life with no purpose...is no more. [b]Zombies are dead. Well, undead.[/b] For it's existence has finally ended. [b]Does that make it…ReDead? Hm, well, that’s it for Chapter Prologue (as Crab Helmet would have it). I suppose I didn’t analyze the story all that much, did I? Well, it seems exactly like a zombie survival story would be…bland and uninteresting. I mean, seriously, why would I ever be scared of a zombie? Like ninjas, zombies are weak in groups – the difference is that as the numbers decrease, they don’t become any stronger. I mean, as long as I survive the initial rampage – where the zombies actually pose a threat – I should be fine as long as I don’t mind eating lots of canned beans. Incidentally, Word does not keep synesthesia in its dictionary.[/b][/spoiler] [/quote] You know what's sad? I have already explained why I typed the prologue the way I did...and even admitted that I made grammatical errors on PURPOSE multiple times throughout this thread. Yet people like you keep "reviewing" it and simply saying, "You have bad grammar. You suck." while missing the whole point behind the prologue. A point that people like Asianguy, Hotaru, and Pika were capable of getting. This tells me that people like you are doing one of two things. One, being to lazy to actually read my replies in this thread about my story. Or two, being a complete ass and trying to belittle me so that you may feel all high in mighty. In your case, I'm assuming it's the latter based on the way you started your "review". Now take your hate somewhere else. I am here to write a story that my readers will enjoy. Not be the target of someone who needs to feel good about himself. I will not take any of it. Now then, kindly leave my thread, and we will leave it at this. Continue to post "reviews" about my horrible grammar that I have explained before, and we will have a problem. Your choice.[quote name='AsianGuy1137' timestamp='1310845185' post='5360940'] Ignore the above pathetic attempt at a review. It's nothing but obnoxious, mindless diatribe that ignores all the finer points you're trying to convey by focusing on petty grammar errors with no real substance. Half of the comments he makes completely miss the point. I'll take the liberty of personally pointing out how stupid it is.[/quote] Thank you Asianguy for taking the time to reply to his whole post. I was at work when he posted, and you saved me a lot of typing on my part. Other wise, my post would have been as long as yours...if not longer. O.o Appreciate it. ^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted July 17, 2011 Report Share Posted July 17, 2011 [quote name='Dwarven King' timestamp='1310884170' post='5362380'] Thank you for being an unintelligent a****** who assumed I am a complete and utter moron based on the fact that there are zombies in my story. *b**** slaps* Shut the hell up! You know what's sad? I have already explained why I typed the prologue the way I did...and even admitted that I made grammatical errors on PURPOSE multiple times throughout this thread. Yet people like you keep "reviewing" it and simply saying, "You have bad grammar. You suck." while missing the whole point behind the prologue. A point that people like Asianguy, Hotaru, and Pika were capable of getting. This tells me that people like you are doing one of two things. One, being to lazy to actually read my replies in this thread about my story. Or two, being a complete ass and trying to belittle me so that you may feel all high in mighty. In your case, I'm assuming it's the latter based on the way you started your "review". Now take your hate somewhere else. I am here to write a story that my readers will enjoy. Not be the target of someone who needs to feel good about himself. I will not take any of it. Now then, kindly leave my thread, and we will leave it at this. Continue to post "reviews" about my horrible grammar that I have explained before, and we will have a problem. Your choice. [/quote] I have meditated on the appropriate response for nearly twelve hours, and at length I have formulated it. [img]http://www.majhost.com/gallery/matanui0011/YuGiOhRG/27516.jpg[/img] [img]http://www.majhost.com/gallery/matanui0011/YuGiOhRG/156y7ad.jpg[/img] [img]http://www.majhost.com/gallery/matanui0011/YuGiOhRG/mytrollface.png[/img] Incidentally, you remind me of someone Crab Helmet reviewed once - you're far more intelligent, but your response is similar. He was called double_c4, but I believe he changed his name. EDIT: *reads comments* Oh yeah, he changed his name to The Swift Assaulter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted July 17, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 17, 2011 I refuse to "counter argue" because your points have already been addressed multiple times, and Asianguy did well in his response. I hate repeating myself, and hate it when someone tries to force me to repeat myself simply because they are lazy or an ass. If you don't like any of this (the story, my responses, etc), then stop reading this thread. There are far more serious comments in this thread that I need to attend too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted July 18, 2011 Report Share Posted July 18, 2011 [quote name='Dwarven King' timestamp='1310933354' post='5363658'] I refuse to "counter argue" because your points have already been addressed multiple times, and Asianguy did well in his response. I hate repeating myself, and hate it when someone tries to force me to repeat myself simply because they are lazy or an ass. If you don't like any of this (the story, my responses, etc), then stop reading this thread. There are far more serious comments in this thread that I need to attend too. [/quote] 'Kay, cool. Read the other chapters. [s]I will now go line-by-line and tell you how terrible you are[/s] they were fine. Its/it's did not figure as prominently as in the prologue. Taking the Prologue, Chapter 1, and Chapter 2 together would be about as long as I would expect a "normal" chapter to be...nothing has really happened yet, the scene is clearly still being set. Also this: [quote name='AsianGuy1137']I enjoyed the start of Chapter 1 because it was able to maintain the same atmosphere of forlorn inevitableness. The little girl seemed mildly lukewarm over her parents' death, but her sudden shift in mood ruined it for me. The sudden change in atmosphere from the intensity of unknown dread knowing that death could lurk in every corner to the cheery, casual tone of the characters was unrealistic. I hoped Chapter 2 would be different, but the mood is still present. Although the community might be relatively safe, that shouldn't lessen the grim reality of the situation they're in. Derik seems to personify this, and his obnoxious and perpetuant behavior seems strained and inappropriate. It's almost like they don't acknowledge that the rest of the world is descending into chaos while people are actually dying. I would understand if you tried to keep an original perspective by focusing on how the characters are trying to contrast the despair of the world with their own staunch resolution to defy and surpass their miserable existence, but the idea isn't really developed. Maybe if a character, like say Derik, would show that he understands how dark their situation is, but tries to be stubborn and persists in his flamboyant display of optimism, that might be a little more understandable. The plot overall is developing slowly and stereotypically. I admired the Prologue because it opened things in a different perspective, showing how the zombie is really just a base animal, trying to satisfy its own urges and following its instincts. I had hoped Ch. 1 would have some kind of artistic parallelism by showing how us humans are really just the same by trying to struggle to survive, even at the expense of others a la Fallout style. So far, though, it seems to be developing into the typical humans living together to try to survive a zombie apocalypse with the same cliched mysterious, strong and silent type with the innocent bystander that he somehow saves and eventually bonds with. The entire community part was pulled off too abruptly and forced with no real consideration of the context or realism. I found it awkward how Jack had to listen to the other character announce his former background before he would accept that he was the supposed gun expert around. The transition seems to provide the rising action to developing the plot, but it shouldn't be used as a way to describe Jack. I think the exposition (Ch. 1) would be better suited to acquaint the reader with Jack's background. After all, if the people had lived together in a small community, wouldn't they already know each other fairly well without Jack having to pretend that he would have no reason to recognize the gun? With that said, I hope the next chapter ties everything together.[/quote] EDIT: I suppose I should mention that when I do GPA (whoa, that abbreviates to GPA...I never noticed) reviews, I do them completely blind. Each line is (usually) done without reading any further on, and I (usually) don't read any of the comments. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kōsuke Ueki Posted July 18, 2011 Report Share Posted July 18, 2011 [i]The past will always haunt you, I say[/i]. Anyway, let me make one thing perfectly clear. Referencing who I used to be will get you nowhere in life. My life on YCM was bad enough, considering how my knowledge on reviewing back then was extremely lacking. I've gotten much better at reviewing after deciding to think over my words. I wanted to be noticed by everyone, but not in the way that Crab Helmet would barge into my thread and basically talk about how stupid I was(even though that wasn't the point she was making). Still, to some here on YCM, I'm known to be the worst reviewer here. But no more. I'm not that person anymore. You all think I could just be controlled just because I made a big mistake back then. You think I'm not hurting because of it? I want to forget that everything happened to me on that day, but there is no such thing as time travel. Okay, now that I'm done making a point to the dumbasses on this thread(including the one who referenced the old me), did you finish editing chapter 2 Dwarves? I didn't any announcement from you saying you did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hotaru987 Posted July 18, 2011 Report Share Posted July 18, 2011 *continues eating popcorn and drinking soda**whispers*...I have to pee but I dont want to miss anything.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted July 18, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2011 [quote name='The Swift Assaulter' timestamp='1311005095' post='5366176'] [i]The past will always haunt you, I say[/i]. Anyway, let me make one thing perfectly clear. Referencing who I used to be will get you nowhere in life. My life on YCM was bad enough, considering how my knowledge on reviewing back then was extremely lacking. I've gotten much better at reviewing after deciding to think over my words. I wanted to be noticed by everyone, but not in the way that Crab Helmet would barge into my thread and basically talk about how stupid I was(even though that wasn't the point she was making). Still, to some here on YCM, I'm known to be the worst reviewer here. But no more. I'm not that person anymore. You all think I could just be controlled just because I made a big mistake back then. You think I'm not hurting because of it? I want to forget that everything happened to me on that day, but there is no such thing as time travel. Okay, now that I'm done making a point to the dumbasses on this thread(including the one who referenced the old me), did you finish editing chapter 2 Dwarves? I didn't any announcement from you saying you did. [/quote] Not yet. Been working until midnight these last few days...and I forgot to hit the save button!!! D: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kōsuke Ueki Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 Ouch... Well PM me when you finish, alright? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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