Hotaru987 Posted June 12, 2011 Report Share Posted June 12, 2011 Story?....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted June 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 13, 2011 [quote name='Hotaru987' timestamp='1307911615' post='5278270'] Story?....... [/quote] It's a long chapter...and these chaotic work hours have drained me...and I keep going back and changing things!!! D: I'm already neglecting a couple of RPs to finish this chapter. :< Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hotaru987 Posted June 13, 2011 Report Share Posted June 13, 2011 Well neglect faster!!!!! But serously I was just worried you forgot about this or something. Its hapened with a few other fanfics I was reading on here. But year. Good luck on your other stuff both on here and RL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted June 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 13, 2011 Don't fret. I have not forgotten about this. I promise. Also, you have a message coming your way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kyng's Old Account Posted June 13, 2011 Report Share Posted June 13, 2011 Awesome name! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hotaru987 Posted June 20, 2011 Report Share Posted June 20, 2011 No story...Has this been abandoned? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted June 24, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 24, 2011 No. Just stalled. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hotaru987 Posted June 29, 2011 Report Share Posted June 29, 2011 Bumpity bump Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AsianGuy1137 Posted June 29, 2011 Report Share Posted June 29, 2011 Just bumped ino this... BEST DAMN ZOMBIE STORY EVER! Instead of trying to start with the cliched massacre plotline, you've been able to give some insight into the nature of the zombie which is ultiamtely the central aspect if not driving force of the story. I think having a Germany-based story would be kinda cool, but it might also be too cliched and reminiscent of Nazi Zombies. Regardless, both countries are pretty much the same nowadays except for slight cultural differences. The only thing that would matter might be the different backgrounds behind the zombie incident and its origins that might revolve around the country's different histories, but that's really a trivial aspect that I'm sure you could work out in various ways. Anyway, good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hotaru987 Posted July 4, 2011 Report Share Posted July 4, 2011 bump Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted July 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 6, 2011 [quote name='AsianGuy1137' timestamp='1309378044' post='5320141'] Just bumped ino this... BEST DAMN ZOMBIE STORY EVER! Instead of trying to start with the cliched massacre plotline, you've been able to give some insight into the nature of the zombie which is ultiamtely the central aspect if not driving force of the story. I think having a Germany-based story would be kinda cool, but it might also be too cliched and reminiscent of Nazi Zombies. Regardless, both countries are pretty much the same nowadays except for slight cultural differences. The only thing that would matter might be the different backgrounds behind the zombie incident and its origins that might revolve around the country's different histories, but that's really a trivial aspect that I'm sure you could work out in various ways. Anyway, good luck. [/quote] *cries tears of joy* Your post has given me massive inspiration. ^^ [quote name='Hotaru987' timestamp='1309746028' post='5331847'] bump [/quote] Hotaru...I promise...it will be posted TODAY! I don't work today...there is nothing to do...so I'm typing. ^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hotaru987 Posted July 6, 2011 Report Share Posted July 6, 2011 ..........^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted July 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 6, 2011 Chapter one is up! It's kinda short...but now I am working on Chapter two!!!! The name of this story has given me an EXCELLENT plot twist idea! ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hotaru987 Posted July 6, 2011 Report Share Posted July 6, 2011 Finally!! And I liked it. It was funny, especially the the ending. Cant wait for the second one *sits behind you staring at you until you finishes it* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted July 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 6, 2011 [quote name='Hotaru987' timestamp='1309985309' post='5332780'] Finally!! And I liked it. It was funny, especially the the ending. Cant wait for the second one *sits behind you staring at you until you finishes it* [/quote] Good! I was kinda shooting for funny since that chapter was kinda like a filler...this next one contains juicy material. :3New update!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Piercer of the Heavens Posted July 7, 2011 Report Share Posted July 7, 2011 Finally I can continue reading once again. The two chapters are much like the prologue, awesome. Keep it up dude. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supreme Gamesmaster Posted July 7, 2011 Report Share Posted July 7, 2011 Reviewing per request. So of course I'm going to be really pedantic and acerbic. [spoiler=Prologue Review]No feelings. No thoughts. Nothing. Not even a spark of intelligence in it's eyes. [b]Four sentences in and we have an its/it's flub. This is gonna be fun.[/b] Nothing but shuffling and blind instinct. That's all it is. A simple mass of decaying flesh with no real purpose but to follow it's urges. [b]I hope you don't want to make an its/it's flub [i]every[/i] four sentences.[/b] The only noise it makes is the constant moans...the occasional scream when an urge hits...and the noise it makes when it runs into something. [b]Sometimes "Ow!", sometimes "That hurt!", sometimes "Dammit!", sometimes "YAAAA-RAAAA-REEEE-TAAAA!" Three riffs in and we already have a Touhou reference. This is gonna be fun.[/b] It has no purpose, yet it still exists...even though the existence is to simply wander and feast...it still exists. [b]Er, was that one sentence or three? In the latter case, its time for an its/it's flub.[/b] The shuffling creature stopped in it's mindless wondering. [b]Ah, here it is. Also, I must say: mindless wondering? Turning an abstract idea over in its mind without a mind? How?[/b] Something had caught it's attention. [b]The its/it's flub is coming early this year! Next thing you know, Rouge the Bat will be stealing Christmas in July. (Whoever gets that reference is awesome.)[/b] A scent. But not like any scent. It was a scent that it had not smelled in a long time. [b]The scent of... COOKIES![/b] The scent of living flesh. [b]Eh, close enough.[/b] And it was close. Oh...it was very close. The internal instinct took over, and the creature took off in the direction of the scent as fast as it could. [b]That would have been a good time to break the paragraph, after the second "close". Oh, and its time for...[/b] It's twisted ankle slowing it down, but causing no visible pain. [b]...an its/it's flub! HOORAY[/b] The creature rounded a corner and slammed into a wall, not being able to fully control it's movements. [b]Wh... you're doing this more consistently than any other author I've ever read! What happens when you really do want to contract "it is?" Do you write "its," or do we have to check based on context?[/b] It did not waver though. Instead, it pressed on. As it continued, it tripped over debris, lodged it's foot in a hole, and ran into another wall. [b]...what an intimidating zombie. I think it's time for a YAAAA-RAAAA-REEEE-TAAAA! We've only had one in this [s]MySTing[/s] review, after all.[/b] But it continued it's pursuit. [b]That's four its/it's flubs [i]in a row[/i]. IT'S A NEEEEW RECORD![/b] The instinct would not let it stop. It had to have the source of the scent. [b]Fantastic prose.[/b] It had to feast on the living flesh... Around another corner it came before finally running straight into a wall. [b]What a terrifying zombie. How could anyone ever escape such an implacable and deadly monster. That apparently does nothing but run into walls all day.[/b] Confusion did not come to mind. [b]I thought you said it didn't have a mind with which to wonder?[/b] It had no thoughts. [b]Good. Just making sure.[/b] Only hunger. And ever lasting hunger. [b]I know what you're going for here, but it didn't work.[/b] The creature began to claw at the flat wall before it realized the scent was now coming from below. [b]Let one of these guys loose in a hall of mirrors and count how many times it hits something in a minute. I'm not a gambling man, but if I were, I'd bet at least fifty hits.[/b] Without thinking, the creature dropped down and found a small hole. To small for it to get into, but the scent was coming from within, and it was driving it crazy. [b]...I think that was a run-on sentence fragment right there. Abysmal prose, whatever it was.[/b] It had to have the source! [b]I'd back up PikaPerson here, but you kind of already used this line earlier. It's still terrible, though.[/b] That's when the scream was heard. [b]Passive voice can sometimes help shift the focus of the story in the right direction. This is not one of those times. Not to mention that you say "the scream" like we were supposed to have heard of it before, but the only scream you mentioned is the one that the zombie sometimes lets loose for kicks and giggles. And we don't know who in the world is screaming.[/b] In the small hole before the creature, a high pitched scream emitted... [b]Aha, here it is. "To emit" is a transitive verb, though. In this case, the high-pitched scream is emitting... something. Unless it's Kyouko Kasodani's scream emitting danmaku, I highly doubt that a scream is emitting something.[/b] and it only drove the creature into a bigger frenzy. It slammed it's arm into the hole, reaching back as far as it could. [b]The terrain around here is all walls and holes. Exactly where are we?[/b] The flesh was in the hole. [b]... ... ...did you... ...did you actually write that? ... ...*snicker*[/b] It was alive. The creature had to have the flesh! [b]...this is too easy. Joking about this one would mean turning in my already endangered comedy license. In seriousness, this kind of thing works so much better if you go the whole hog with stream-of-consciousness, or at least first person. Not necessarily one or the other -- Mrs. Dalloway and whatnot -- but at least one. Right now, it's just cheesy.[/b] It stretched even further, waving it's arm around madly, trying to reach in. [b]... ...to grab... ...the flesh? And pull up and -- *shot*[/b] It's hand ran across material that felt a lot like the material around it's legs. [b]...this is the most homoerotic post-apocalyptic story I've ever seen. I haven't seen [s]any[/s] many zombie flicks, but still. Oh, and yeah, its/it's flub. Its so consistent that its getting boring.[/b] It was so close...just a little further... [b]... ...just a little further... ...to grab the flesh... ...that was like the material -- *shot*[/b] The creature flew away from the hole and landed on it's back. [b]...no, this is too easy.[/b] It was not aware of what happened...or how it happened. Only that it was hit by something cold and hard, but it still had to have the flesh! It looked up, just before trying to get back up, and spotted more flesh. Unbelievable! Two bodies of living flesh! Right here in front of it! There was still food afterall! [b]Now, off it goes... ... ..to eat the flesh... ...that was like the material around its legs -- *shot, three times*[/b] That's when something caught it's eyes. In the living flesh's hands was something long and somewhat shiny. Could that have been what hit it on the shoulder only moments ago? [b]Dubious. Cliché zombie-fighting weapons don't knock back so much as severing limbs.[/b] The living flesh stood over the creature and lifted the object in the air. The creature started to get up, but never allowed it's eyes to leave the object as it began to descend. [b]You know what, I'm done. Its officially gotten boring to mock its/it's flubs. Even flubbing them myself every time I bring it up is getting boring. This gag has outlived it's prime. Well, of course I'm still using it. What did you expect, inspired comedy?[/b] Down to earth...right to where it's head was. [b]...the living -- *shot* Oh, and its/it's flub.[/b] It no longer wanders the earth, shuffling around aimlessly until the instinct takes over. No longer does it run into things as it shuffles along. [b]Thank goodness. It was clumsier than Hachibe Eto.[/b] No, the creature no longer deals with such trivial things. It's life...life with no purpose...is no more. For it's existence has finally ended. [b]As have, mercifully, the its/it's flubs. For now.[/b] [/spoiler]Touch up your grammar before you keep writing. It's not too bad, though. I'll probably be back to pick on more recent, better chapters [s]when I get bored[/s] later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted July 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 7, 2011 [quote name='Monkey Master' timestamp='1310000293' post='5333516'] Finally I can continue reading once again. The two chapters are much like the prologue, awesome. Keep it up dude. [/quote] Thanks and sorry for the wait! [quote name='Supreme Gamesmaster' timestamp='1310000876' post='5333553'] Reviewing per request. So of course I'm going to be really pedantic and acerbic. [spoiler=Prologue Review]No feelings. No thoughts. Nothing. Not even a spark of intelligence in it's eyes. [b]Four sentences in and we have an its/it's flub. This is gonna be fun.[/b] Nothing but shuffling and blind instinct. That's all it is. A simple mass of decaying flesh with no real purpose but to follow it's urges. [b]I hope you don't want to make an its/it's flub [i]every[/i] four sentences.[/b] The only noise it makes is the constant moans...the occasional scream when an urge hits...and the noise it makes when it runs into something. [b]Sometimes "Ow!", sometimes "That hurt!", sometimes "Dammit!", sometimes "YAAAA-RAAAA-REEEE-TAAAA!" Three riffs in and we already have a Touhou reference. This is gonna be fun.[/b] It has no purpose, yet it still exists...even though the existence is to simply wander and feast...it still exists. [b]Er, was that one sentence or three? In the latter case, its time for an its/it's flub.[/b] The shuffling creature stopped in it's mindless wondering. [b]Ah, here it is. Also, I must say: mindless wondering? Turning an abstract idea over in its mind without a mind? How?[/b] Something had caught it's attention. [b]The its/it's flub is coming early this year! Next thing you know, Rouge the Bat will be stealing Christmas in July. (Whoever gets that reference is awesome.)[/b] A scent. But not like any scent. It was a scent that it had not smelled in a long time. [b]The scent of... COOKIES![/b] The scent of living flesh. [b]Eh, close enough.[/b] And it was close. Oh...it was very close. The internal instinct took over, and the creature took off in the direction of the scent as fast as it could. [b]That would have been a good time to break the paragraph, after the second "close". Oh, and its time for...[/b] It's twisted ankle slowing it down, but causing no visible pain. [b]...an its/it's flub! HOORAY[/b] The creature rounded a corner and slammed into a wall, not being able to fully control it's movements. [b]Wh... you're doing this more consistently than any other author I've ever read! What happens when you really do want to contract "it is?" Do you write "its," or do we have to check based on context?[/b] It did not waver though. Instead, it pressed on. As it continued, it tripped over debris, lodged it's foot in a hole, and ran into another wall. [b]...what an intimidating zombie. I think it's time for a YAAAA-RAAAA-REEEE-TAAAA! We've only had one in this [s]MySTing[/s] review, after all.[/b] But it continued it's pursuit. [b]That's four its/it's flubs [i]in a row[/i]. IT'S A NEEEEW RECORD![/b] The instinct would not let it stop. It had to have the source of the scent. [b]Fantastic prose.[/b] It had to feast on the living flesh... Around another corner it came before finally running straight into a wall. [b]What a terrifying zombie. How could anyone ever escape such an implacable and deadly monster. That apparently does nothing but run into walls all day.[/b] Confusion did not come to mind. [b]I thought you said it didn't have a mind with which to wonder?[/b] It had no thoughts. [b]Good. Just making sure.[/b] Only hunger. And ever lasting hunger. [b]I know what you're going for here, but it didn't work.[/b] The creature began to claw at the flat wall before it realized the scent was now coming from below. [b]Let one of these guys loose in a hall of mirrors and count how many times it hits something in a minute. I'm not a gambling man, but if I were, I'd bet at least fifty hits.[/b] Without thinking, the creature dropped down and found a small hole. To small for it to get into, but the scent was coming from within, and it was driving it crazy. [b]...I think that was a run-on sentence fragment right there. Abysmal prose, whatever it was.[/b] It had to have the source! [b]I'd back up PikaPerson here, but you kind of already used this line earlier. It's still terrible, though.[/b] That's when the scream was heard. [b]Passive voice can sometimes help shift the focus of the story in the right direction. This is not one of those times. Not to mention that you say "the scream" like we were supposed to have heard of it before, but the only scream you mentioned is the one that the zombie sometimes lets loose for kicks and giggles. And we don't know who in the world is screaming.[/b] In the small hole before the creature, a high pitched scream emitted... [b]Aha, here it is. "To emit" is a transitive verb, though. In this case, the high-pitched scream is emitting... something. Unless it's Kyouko Kasodani's scream emitting danmaku, I highly doubt that a scream is emitting something.[/b] and it only drove the creature into a bigger frenzy. It slammed it's arm into the hole, reaching back as far as it could. [b]The terrain around here is all walls and holes. Exactly where are we?[/b] The flesh was in the hole. [b]... ... ...did you... ...did you actually write that? ... ...*snicker*[/b] It was alive. The creature had to have the flesh! [b]...this is too easy. Joking about this one would mean turning in my already endangered comedy license. In seriousness, this kind of thing works so much better if you go the whole hog with stream-of-consciousness, or at least first person. Not necessarily one or the other -- Mrs. Dalloway and whatnot -- but at least one. Right now, it's just cheesy.[/b] It stretched even further, waving it's arm around madly, trying to reach in. [b]... ...to grab... ...the flesh? And pull up and -- *shot*[/b] It's hand ran across material that felt a lot like the material around it's legs. [b]...this is the most homoerotic post-apocalyptic story I've ever seen. I haven't seen [s]any[/s] many zombie flicks, but still. Oh, and yeah, its/it's flub. Its so consistent that its getting boring.[/b] It was so close...just a little further... [b]... ...just a little further... ...to grab the flesh... ...that was like the material -- *shot*[/b] The creature flew away from the hole and landed on it's back. [b]...no, this is too easy.[/b] It was not aware of what happened...or how it happened. Only that it was hit by something cold and hard, but it still had to have the flesh! It looked up, just before trying to get back up, and spotted more flesh. Unbelievable! Two bodies of living flesh! Right here in front of it! There was still food afterall! [b]Now, off it goes... ... ..to eat the flesh... ...that was like the material around its legs -- *shot, three times*[/b] That's when something caught it's eyes. In the living flesh's hands was something long and somewhat shiny. Could that have been what hit it on the shoulder only moments ago? [b]Dubious. Cliché zombie-fighting weapons don't knock back so much as severing limbs.[/b] The living flesh stood over the creature and lifted the object in the air. The creature started to get up, but never allowed it's eyes to leave the object as it began to descend. [b]You know what, I'm done. Its officially gotten boring to mock its/it's flubs. Even flubbing them myself every time I bring it up is getting boring. This gag has outlived it's prime. Well, of course I'm still using it. What did you expect, inspired comedy?[/b] Down to earth...right to where it's head was. [b]...the living -- *shot* Oh, and its/it's flub.[/b] It no longer wanders the earth, shuffling around aimlessly until the instinct takes over. No longer does it run into things as it shuffles along. [b]Thank goodness. It was clumsier than Hachibe Eto.[/b] No, the creature no longer deals with such trivial things. It's life...life with no purpose...is no more. For it's existence has finally ended. [b]As have, mercifully, the its/it's flubs. For now.[/b] [/spoiler]Touch up your grammar before you keep writing. It's not too bad, though. I'll probably be back to pick on more recent, better chapters [s]when I get bored[/s] later. [/quote] First off, let me just say your review was was exceptionally hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing! But, I have already explained why the prologue was written the way it was. And yes, I wrote it that way on purpose. Repetition and everything. If you wish to know why, you will have to read my previous posts. That is all I have to say about the prologue at this time. However, I am looking forward to your reviews over the first two actual chapters! Also, I will send in the answers to you questions when I get home from work later on today. ^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted July 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 Chapter three is currently being worked on. ^^ If my story seems to be moving to fast, please tell me so I can slow it down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 *reads the first chapter* I dunno, I just imagined them as Bill and Zoey from Left 4 Dead. *Second chapter* Derik = Francis Okay so, I'm probably gonna make a lot of references to Left 4 Dead and Left 4 Dead 2 in either this post or subsequent posts. So, the survivors have an impenetrable fortress with a nearly limitless supply of food? Ooh, I'm on the edge of my seat. Secondly, why do they go out on patrol? I mean, I'm sure it's "to find more survivors" or something like that, but why risk it? In L4D, the way they got the message across to the survivors of where they should go next was graffiti in safehouses. Granted, I doubt there's safehouses in this world, but I don't think paint or stuff like that would disappear, and even if it did you could make it again. And most of the time it wasn't some big elaborate thing. Just an arrow pointing to the alley they were supposed to go through. Most of the graffiti in L4D wasn't even from the military though, it was from other survivors. So, one guy from the mansion writes where they are, some survivors see it and spread the word with their own graffiti. Zombies are mindless and can't read, so they won't know what's up. The only problem I can see is that it might work too well. Might get too many survivors and the mansion would be full and they wouldn't have enough food for forever. But then... If they really wanted to help people, the easiest and most helpful thing they would do was put up a lot of signs telling people where to go instead of patrolling. Maybe put them in areas with a lot of light, and leave easy blunt items like pipes lying around too. And if luck has it, maybe the military will spot their signs and pick them up if/when the zombie apocalypse ends. And if they don't actually care to help people, then there's no reason to go out patrolling and putting themselves at risk at all. So the story continues and they find a German pistol. I don't know anything about guns, but it doesn't seem that peculiar to me. A guy, possibly a German war vet, used his own personal gun to take out the zombies. Then he ran out of bullets and had to leave it behind. Or maybe he got eaten and dragged off somewhere else. Overall, it's not really something to be shocked about, or at least not shocked enough for them to discuss at a length. I think it'd make more sense to discuss the survivor girl they just found. Can she fight? Is she good enough to patrol? Or will she be a burden to the little society in the manor? How did she survive long enough to avoid the zombies? Does she know of any survivors? I dunno, if zombies took over and I found a fellow human I think that would excite me more than finding a pistol. Though if the "German" route keeps being a mainstay in the story, the title makes a bit more sense. Also a reminder! Lesser authors actually try to answer the questions I ask, when I don't actually give a damn about answers to them right now. They're just "stuff to think about". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted July 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 Pika...I'm only going to say two things because I thought they were obvious. 1: They patrol so they will know when the undead leave the big cities and come back to the smaller towns. That way they can beef up security. I thought I had made that obvious when Jack freaked. 2: The pistol is a modern German weapon used in the German army. What are the chances a military man will be able to bring a German military weapon into America? ...now sit there and rethink this a bit. That's all I'm saying for now. Hopefully I can add more detail to clarify things in the next chapter. And yes, I know it's an awesome fortress they live in...*quietly laughs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted July 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 Oh! I forgot something too! I never really like L4D and never really played it. So if there are any similarities between characters...it was coincidental. Any other questions or comments at this time? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 [quote]1: They patrol so they will know when the undead leave the big cities and come back to the smaller towns. That way they can beef up security. I thought I had made that obvious when Jack freaked.[/quote] As far as they knew, the undead haven't left the big cities and come to the smaller towns. Why would they think that would happen? Why would they START with beefed up security from the get-go? [quote]2: The pistol is a modern German weapon used in the German army. What are the chances a military man will be able to bring a German military weapon into America? ...now sit there and rethink this a bit. [/quote] As I said earlier, I don't know much about guns. But a German weapon being found in America doesn't seem all that peculiar to me. I'd be more excited to find another human then a peculiar gun. Though I guess the fact that you did put some thought to this is a good sign. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kōsuke Ueki Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 Well, I like it, but to show how I like it, I think a detailed review of everything you've done so far would suffice, no? [spoiler=Full Review--Chapters 1 and 2][i]Chapter 1[/i] Jack lifted the metal pipe back up and set it across his shoulder while looking at the undead creature. It’s body laid motionless, it brains splayed out everywhere from where the pipe hit it. This creature wasn’t about to raise from the dead again. [b]Um, is that even possible? I mean, I've seen my share of zombie movies...Actually, I've only seen one: Shaun of the Dead, Dawn of the Dead's British Parody. Still, it counts. Anyway, from that movie, I learned that once you kill a zombie, it's dead completely. The brain is what allowed its "Useless existense" to keep going regardless if it was decomposed or not. Unless, somehow the creatures are like Wolverine from X-Men and regenerate their brains, regrouping from where they started and can never be killed, like Scorpion from Mortal Kombat, because they would return after a certain amount of resurrection time in Hell. Okay, now I'm just blabbing on about how that last sentence made sense. I'll continue reading. My bad. [/b]“You can come out of your little hole now.” Jack said as he turned towards the hole. [b]You mean like how babies come out of -- *shot* But seriously, be careful what you type, because if you think about it, you accidentally created a sexual joke that would make it comedic at times, but wouldn't be as funny as it went on. [/b]Slowly, and cautiously, a girl emerged from the hole. She was in a tattered shirt and jeans, her long blonde hair was dirty and tangled, and she was shaking from fear. “Is…is it dead?” she asked with her shaky voice. [b]Well of course! Why wouldn't it be. It can't come back to life after it already did, right...? Right!? [/b]“Yeah, it’s dead…again.” [b]Dammit! I knew it! Quan Chi is the one bringing these things back to life! Okay, Raiden, take care of him! But seriously, do you intend to explain how it can come back to life after it has been killed before in future chapters? Because that line is really something that people will be thinking about, including this one question: [u]How can a zombie come back to life after it has already been killed in the way it should so it would no longer be a threat?[/u] Now, granted people would think of that question in their own words, that's the general idea. [/b]he replied as he helped her to her feet. “How old are you? And what’s your name?” [b]Okay, those two questions would sound like what a pedophile(I spelled that correctly, right?) would say to a little girl so that he would remember their names and ages that would be written in a journal, so long as he isn't known by the police doing these kind of acts. And I'm assuming Jack is a young adult, right? So, I guess it's something to look over and reedit if possible. [/b]“I..I’m Anya, and I’m thirteen.” she answered, her voice noticeably less shaky. “What’s your name mister?” [b]Wait, Anya from Adventure Quest and DragonFable?! Oh s**t! Just kidding, since I don't even remember it being that name. To be honest, was the name the first to pop up in your head? Because the only reason that name would be used is because her parents were from another continent, or that their family originated from another country or continent, presumably Europe; even more presumably either Poland, Ireland, or possibly Spain, cause it sound like a Spanish name. Anyway, why would she ask for Jack's name? She already owes him her gratitude for saving her life, so I don't think there is any other reason to keep moving on with it. However, introducing yourself is probably a good thing if you think about it. Oh well. [/b]“Name’s Jack. Where are your parents?” Jack started to fish out some food while he waited for her answer. [b]"Jack" what? We get our first few glimpses from our main character and we don't get his last name, or even an initial. Heh, maybe it'll be mentioned in future chapters. I guess I'll have to wait until then. [/b]Anya looked down at her feet as tears began to slowly fall down her face. “Dead. We were attack last night by two more outside of town. We thought they were all in the big cities. So where the hell did these things come from?!” she yelled. [b]"We were [i]attack[/i] last night"? Don't you mean ATTACKED? Obvious typo that anybody can spot. What's more shocking(If that typo is believed to be shocking to you people, that is) is that she makes an outburst after explaining what happened to her parents. To be honest, I could've expected that from a girl who was 16 and up, but not from a 13-year-old. It just doesn't seem natural, even though it already is. Ugh, my head hurts. Let's not get into more details until the end of this chapter. [/b]Jack stood there speechless at her sudden outburst. He quickly recovered when she started to sob and pulled her into a hug. “I’m sorry to hear about your loss. But don’t worry, you’re safe now. I just need you to trust me, ok?” [b]Um, why should Anya trust a young man presumably in his mid-to-late 20s that was easily able to kill a single zombie with a single swing from his pipe to the creatures head, splattering its brains all over? Jack is like one of those guys who wants to get friendly with everyone so that he would be noticed out of everyone else who desires attention. And he said that she was "safe". Would you believe you were "safe" in the arms of a man in his 20s who killed a zombie with just a pipe? Again, a bit of pedophilia(Still not sure I spelled that right) seems to have leaked into the story's plot holes, if any for that matter. But that's my opinion. If you don't see that, don't hesitate to correct me. [/b]Jack leaned back and waited for her to decide. Finally, she nodded her head yes. “Good. Now let me find you something to eat.” A few seconds later, Jack pulled out a green apple from his pack and handed it to her. Anya took the apple and began to eat it while asking questions between bites. [b]And here comes Anya beginning to play "20 Questions: Between Meals Edition". Get it? Ah, forget it. [/b]“Why are you out here?” She took a bit and swallowed. “Are you alone or with others?” Another bite was taken from the apple. “Why weren’t these things at a big city?” A third bit went down her throat. [b]Okay, I would say this was filler to move the plot about what jack was doing, but the only thing that was truly filler was Anya eating the apple between questions. It's small, but explaining what she does after each bite and after each question is pointless, in a way. [/b]“Whoa now, calm down on the questions.” Jack told finally told her. “I’ll answer your first three questions while you eat the apple, ok?” She nodded her agreement. “Good. First, I’m on patrol. I’m with a group of other people. Every day, we send out patrols. Usually groups of no smaller than two. But today I had my partner stay back and help with the harvest since I can handle things on my own. [b]I sure looked that way how Jack had just did a Fatality on the damn thing before even attempting to fight it. [/b]There aren’t any undead around her anyway…or there weren’t.” He glanced down at the undead creature. “I suppose that answers your second question too. As for your third, I have no idea. Maybe they got tired of looking around the big cities and are starting to scatter. Either way, it’s not good news.” [b]What was your first clue, genius? It's never good news when zombies have begun to scatter even more than they should. The reader would already know it isn't good news by the time he/she is about to read that sentence. But, it's your choice of words, and I won't disrespect your choices. But why call them "undead"? Isn't that a durogatory(Did I spell THIS corectly?) term? Whatever, but I guess it's better than calling them what they already are. I guess that's a step up. I have no clue. [/b]Anya finished the apple and tossed the core aside. “So what now?” she asked him. [b]"Now I bring you into my home and--" *shot* [/b]“Now, we head back to my place. No way in hell I’m going to leave you out here all alone. Ok?” he replied. [b]Whoa-ho-hoa!! Didn't expect to have almost said the same thing. Still, it's sounds like he is being the Pedobear without the costume. To others, maybe not, but unfortunately, the first thing that come into my mind are unintentionally dirty. And I can't help it sometimes. [/b]“Ok.” she said as she took his hand. Jack then began to lead her back to his group’s home. After a turn in the road, he turned to her and said, “Oh, and no more cursing. I don’t care of the world is being over run with undead or not. You’re much to young for that. Got it?” [b]Wow. He's sounding more like he was a parent in the past little by little. And I just realized something. It's only the first chapter and we know little to nothing about Jack's past, only telling us of what he was doing. We don't even know what he looks like. For all we know, he can look like me when I'm 23, cause I look 3 years older and sound up to 4 years old than it seems. [/b]Anya started giggling as she nodded her head yes. [b]And that's how the first chapter ends folks. Seriously, it really shouldn't end like that. In fact, both chapters should've been one whole chapter, adding how much time has passed in between where the first chapter ended off to where Chapter 2 began(I'm referring to how long those two take before they make it to the base). Oh well. All in all, this chapter wasn't bad, but it wasn't entirely good either. It was an above-average chapter, making my verdict to be a 7/10. So, it was okay, and you might want to try and proofread your chapters. And if you already do, have someone who you can trust here on YCM to proofread it as well to see what he/she thinks. You have good grammar, but it's not excellent. You could try and improve from how well you are with grammar as of now and try a little harder, and I might bump it up another half of a point. Again, this is my opinion, so don't take it too seriously, like how I used to be. [/b][i]Chapter 2 [/i]“Well, here it is.” Jack said to Anya as he approached a gate. In front of them was a black iron gate. The only way through a ten foot high wall surrounding the whole place. Jack opened the gate and led Anya inside, then closed the gate behind him. Inside was a two story building. It had few damages and looked like a place a rich family would live in. Surrounding the house was multiple gardens, fruit bearing trees, and a few farm animals. [b]Stop! Question: How the hell are there farm animals still alive in a world like this? Did Jack pull them out of his a-- *shot* Same goes for the gardens and trees. Just how long has that area been untouched? You know, to be honest my head is starting to hurt right now. So I'll stop trying to make sense of this. [/b]“You guys have this all planned out, don’t you?” Anya asked Jack as he led her towards the house. [b]And just how far is this two-story mansion from the giant surrounding wall and black iron gate? A kilometer? 2 kilometers? Not really an explanation there. But I guess there is no need to go into details about it. [/b]“Yep. We are prepared to live here for, well, ever!” he replied. “The undead can’t get in, we have all the food we need. We are perfectly fine here where we are.” [b]Did you intend to say the word "forever" previously? And you know just have a few gardens, trees and animals won't give you a limitless supply of food. Unless the female animals all gave birth at the same time, you won't have that much meat to have, unless everybody who lives there isn't very fond of meat and are more leaning towards fruits and vegetables like a typical vegetarian(Now I KNOW I spelled this one right!). [/b]“Hey! Jack! It’s about time you got back!” a man yelled as he emerged from the house. He wasn’t very tall, had long, brown hair held back into a pony tail, and was decked out in biker gear. [b]Ah! Lance Armstong is joining the resist-- *shot* [/b]Without hesitation, he made his way towards the pair. “And I see you found someone too.” the man laughed. “The name is Derik. What’s yours?” [b]Derik...where have I heard that name before? Hm? But anyway, this guy seems to act a bit carefree, a bit like a child in the manner. So I could tell that he might get in the way during patrols. If not, then he'll just act like an a****** for probably until the story reaches the mid point, or in this case, "the boiling point". Can anyone guess the reference? [/b]“I…I’m Anya.” she said while laughing. “And what’s so funny?” Derik asked her, confusion clearly showing on his face. “Your clothes! Those are suppose to be worn by mean bikers. But on you…it just looks so funny!” Anya continued to laugh. [b]Actually, it makes him look like Lance Armstrong after smoking WAY too much cra-- *shot* [/b]“Laugh if you will little girl, but I am the world’s toughest biker! I once..” Derik stopped mid-sentence as he noticed the blood on Jack’s weapon. “What happened?” he asked as his face took on a grave seriousness. “There was an undead after Anya. I took him out. According to her, two others got her parents last night.” Jack answered him. [b]Toughest biker, my ass! Nobody cares about Lance Armstong's life on cra-- *shot* Dammit, stop shooting m-- *shot twice* [/b]“That’s not good news.” Derik said sullenly. “Lets get inside. James said he found something interesting on his patrol through the other side of town. That, and dinner will be done soon.” [b]OF COURSE IT ISN'T GOOD NEWS, DUMBASS! We knew that from the moment she explained it. Oh, and they are inside the building yet? It sure sounded like it due to the explanation of the entire house! But fine. Whatever. And just to clarify to those who haven't noticed, but only Anya and Derik has been described by appearance. We still don't know what Jack looks like, so I'll just pretend he's how I look at my best. Okay, as of now, I'll just stop here, because I'm really tired and it'll take at least more than the time I'm limited to in order to finish. I'll continue tomorrow, and don't reply to this until I have edited this post, okay? Good. Later![/spoiler] [/b]I'll be back tomorrow to finish my review on chapter 2. If my review is bad, I understand why. My reviewing skills are very low and I was trying to do this review in a similar style to how Supreme Gamesmaster did his review, but is different in ways I'm not sure about. Anyway, catcha later! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted July 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 Pika, you misunderstood. The undead moved to the bigger cities where more people are. So these people do patrols so they know when the undead have started moving back to smaller towns. Understand now? And I'm sorry if the gun confuses me. But trust me, America won't let some German soldier move from Germany to America with German weapons in his bag. So it can't be a vteran with a gun. So...what could it be? You will find out, because the gun is important right now. Swifty, I already have replies in mind for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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