Dwarven King Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 Alright, I'm writing a zombie survival Fan-Fic. Some of the characters featured in my story were created by other members of this forum. Below is the Prologue. Please read it and give me some feedback! [spoiler=Prologue]No feelings. No thoughts. Nothing. Not even a spark of intelligence in it's eyes. Nothing but shuffling and blind instinct. That's all it is. A simple mass of decaying flesh with no real purpose but to follow it's urges. The only noise it makes is the constant moans...the occasional scream when an urge hits...and the noise it makes when it runs into something. It has no purpose, yet it still exists...even though the existence is to simply wander and feast...it still exists. The shuffling creature stopped in it's mindless wondering. Something had caught it's attention. A scent. But not like any scent. It was a scent that it had not smelled in a long time. The scent of living flesh. And it was close. Oh...it was very close. The internal instinct took over, and the creature took off in the direction of the scent as fast as it could. It's twisted ankle slowing it down, but causing no visible pain. The creature rounded a corner and slammed into a wall, not being able to fully control it's movements. It did not waver though. Instead, it pressed on. As it continued, it tripped over debris, lodged it's foot in a hole, and ran into another wall. But it continued it's pursuit. The instinct would not let it stop. It had to have the source of the scent. It had to feast on the living flesh... Around another corner it came before finally running straight into a wall. Confusion did not come to mind. It had no thoughts. Only hunger. And ever lasting hunger. The creature began to claw at the flat wall before it realized the scent was now coming from below. Without thinking, the creature dropped down and found a small hole. To small for it to get into, but the scent was coming from within, and it was driving it crazy. It had to have the source! That's when the scream was heard. In the small hole before the creature, a high pitched scream emitted...and it only drove the creature into a bigger frenzy. It slammed it's arm into the hole, reaching back as far as it could. The flesh was in the hole. It was alive. The creature had to have the flesh! It stretched even further, waving it's arm around madly, trying to reach in. It's hand ran across material that felt a lot like the material around it's legs. It was so close...just a little further... The creature flew away from the hole and landed on it's back. It was not aware of what happened...or how it happened. Only that it was hit by something cold and hard, but it still had to have the flesh! It looked up, just before trying to get back up, and spotted more flesh. Unbelievable! Two bodies of living flesh! Right here in front of it! There was still food afterall! That's when something caught it's eyes. In the living flesh's hands was something long and somewhat shiny. Could that have been what hit it on the shoulder only moments ago? The living flesh stood over the creature and lifted the object in the air. The creature started to get up, but never allowed it's eyes to leave the object as it began to descend. Down to earth...right to where it's head was. It no longer wanders the earth, shuffling around aimlessly until the instinct takes over. No longer does it run into things as it shuffles along. No, the creature no longer deals with such trivial things. It's life...life with no purpose...is no more. For it's existence has finally ended.[/spoiler] [spoiler=Chapter 1]Jack lifted the metal pipe back up and set it across his shoulder while looking at the undead creature. It’s body laid motionless, it brains splayed out everywhere from where the pipe hit it. This creature wasn’t about to raise from the dead again. “You can come out of your little hole now.” Jack said as he turned towards the hole. Slowly, and cautiously, a girl emerged from the hole. She was in a tattered shirt and jeans, her long blonde hair was dirty and tangled, and she was shaking from fear. “Is…is it dead?” she asked with her shaky voice. “Yeah, it’s dead…again.” he replied as he helped her to her feet. “How old are you? And what’s your name?” “I..I’m Anya, and I’m thirteen.” she answered, her voice noticeably less shaky. “What’s your name mister?” “Name’s Jack. Where are your parents?” Jack started to fish out some food while he waited for her answer. Anya looked down at her feet as tears began to slowly fall down her face. “Dead. We were attack last night by two more outside of town. We thought they were all in the big cities. So where the hell did these things come from?!” she yelled. Jack stood there speechless at her sudden outburst. He quickly recovered when she started to sob and pulled her into a hug. “I’m sorry to hear about your loss. But don’t worry, you’re safe now. I just need you to trust me, ok?” Jack leaned back and waited for her to decide. Finally, she nodded her head yes. “Good. Now let me find you something to eat.” A few seconds later, Jack pulled out a green apple from his pack and handed it to her. Anya took the apple and began to eat it while asking questions between bites. “Why are you out here?” She took a bit and swallowed. “Are you alone or with others?” Another bite was taken from the apple. “Why weren’t these things at a big city?” A third bit went down her throat. “Whoa now, calm down on the questions.” Jack told finally told her. “I’ll answer your first three questions while you eat the apple, ok?” She nodded her agreement. “Good. First, I’m on patrol. I’m with a group of other people. Every day, we send out patrols. Usually groups of no smaller than two. But today I had my partner stay back and help with the harvest since I can handle things on my own. There aren’t any undead around her anyway…or there weren’t.” He glanced down at the undead creature. “I suppose that answers your second question too. As for your third, I have no idea. Maybe they got tired of looking around the big cities and are starting to scatter. Either way, it’s not good news.” Anya finished the apple and tossed the core aside. “So what now?” she asked him. “Now, we head back to my place. No way in hell I’m going to leave you out here all alone. Ok?” he replied. “Ok.” she said as she took his hand. Jack then began to lead her back to his group’s home. After a turn in the road, he turned to her and said, “Oh, and no more cursing. I don’t care of the world is being over run with undead or not. You’re much to young for that. Got it?” Anya started giggling as she nodded her head yes.[/spoiler] [spoiler=Chapter 2]“Well, here it is.” Jack said to Anya as he approached a gate. In front of them was a black iron gate. The only way through a ten foot high wall surrounding the whole place. Jack opened the gate and led Anya inside, then closed the gate behind him. Inside was a two story building. It had few damages and looked like a place a rich family would live in. Surrounding the house was multiple gardens, fruit bearing trees, and a few farm animals. “You guys have this all planned out, don’t you?” Anya asked Jack as he led her towards the house. “Yep. We are prepared to live here for, well, ever!” he replied. “The undead can’t get in, we have all the food we need. We are perfectly fine here where we are.” “Hey! Jack! It’s about time you got back!” a man yelled as he emerged from the house. He wasn’t very tall, had long, brown hair held back into a pony tail, and was decked out in biker gear. Without hesitation, he made his way towards the pair. “And I see you found someone too.” the man laughed. “The name is Derik. What’s yours?” “I…I’m Anya.” she said while laughing. “And what’s so funny?” Derik asked her, confusion clearly showing on his face. “Your clothes! Those are suppose to be worn by mean bikers. But on you…it just looks so funny!” Anya continued to laugh. “Laugh if you will little girl, but I am the world’s toughest biker! I once..” Derik stopped mid-sentence as he noticed the blood on Jack’s weapon. “What happened?” he asked as his face took on a grave seriousness. “There was an undead after Anya. I took him out. According to her, two others got her parents last night.” Jack answered him. “That’s not good news.” Derik said sullenly. “Lets get inside. James said he found something interesting on his patrol through the other side of town. That, and dinner will be done soon.” Jack nodded and followed Derik inside with Anya behind him. Inside, everything was cleaner than Anya thought possible. And there were lots of people walking around. “How many people are here?” she asked Jack. “Including you, twenty three. At first it was hard to keep everyone alive, but we got the hang of it.” Derik led Jack and Anya into the dinning room where everyone was taking seats. Jack grabbed an extra chair for Anya and placed it at the end next to him. After a few more minutes, everyone was seated at the table. The woman at the head of the table stood from her seat. She was tall, skinny, had shoulder length white hair, and had an air of authority around her. “As you all know, it is time for a daily meeting where we discuss general and important topics. First off, we have had another great harvest!” She announced. The whole table erupted in applause and cheering. A few moments later, the woman calmed everyone down. “Second, it seems Jack has found a new member for out little family.” She turned her gaze towards Anya and Jack. “My name is Whitney. And yours?” “Anya.” She replied quietly. “It is a pleasure to meet you Anya, and welcome to our little family.” A warm smile appeared on Whitney’s face. “Jack, how did you come about finding her?” she asked. “I heard screams and ran towards them. She was being attacked by an undead, and I took it out. She also told me her parents were attacked by two others last night.” he answered. The smile left Whitney’s face as sadness took over. “I am sorry to hear about your loss child.” “Thank you.” Anya said to her. Whitney turned back to the group. “It appears the undead may be leaving the bigger cities. To be safe, patrols we be no smaller than three people. Is that understood.” Everyone nodded their heads. “Good. Now onto our third topic. James found something…interesting on his patrol. James?” Three seats down from her, and a man of average height stood from his seat. He appeared to be around nineteen, had shaggy brown hair, were faded blue jeans, a plain black shirt, and black combat boots. High intelligence could be seen in his eyes. “While patrolling the far west side of town on my own, I found something that I believe shouldn’t be there.” “Well, what was it?” came a voice down the table. “It was a gun.” James answered. “And how does a gun not belong here?” another voice shouted. “Because it’s a gun I have never seen before.” James answered once more. “But I believe Jack may be able to tell us what kind of gun it is.” Jack looked up and said, “And why me?” “Because you have short hair and muscles like a military man.” James said while laughing. “Oh, and you told us you were high up in the Army. You even showed us your rank symbol.” Jack smirked. “Damn, you caught me. Alright, I’ll take a look.” He took the box that was passed down the table to him and set it on the table. He gingerly lifted the lid and looked inside. Confusion instantly clouded his face. “Where did you find this?” he asked. “In the middle of the road surrounded by bullet casings.” James replied. “But some of the casings looked like they belonged to bullets fired from an automatic gun. It was weird. Plus, it was so far off, that there was no way we could here the shots.” Jack continued to stare into the box. “Jack…” Whitney called to him. “What is it?” “It’s…it’s a Walther P38. A common pistol found in the German army.” he told her. “A German pistol?” she repeated. “What is it doing here in America?” “I have no idea.” he answered back. “I see.” Whitney sat there for a few moments, then looked back up at everyone at the table. “It is time for dinner. I will continue to ponder over this new information before I decide what we should do next.” she turned back towards Anya. “You’re lucky you were found today. We always have a feast when we have a good harvest.” A warm smile came across her face again.[/spoiler] Tell me what you think so far please! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 I thought it was okay until the halfway point. The one sentence that completely took me out of the story was "It had to have the source!" Something about the prose used there just sounds... incredibly stupid, both in and out of context. I just couldn't get back into the story after that one sentence. It was that bad. Also, the story got much more repetitive after that. You say the word "flesh" 3 times in the first "half" (I consider the first half before the "had to have the source" line) and 7 times in the second half. You say the word "creature" 5 times in the first half and 7 times in the second half. Hole. 2 times in the first. 4 times in the second. And that's not mentioning that the first half is slightly longer then the second. =\ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted June 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 I made it repetitive because it's sorta from the point of view of the zombie. And since it's a mindless creature...I'm kinda limited. :< Also, how would it be if I took that line out? I think I understand why you don't like it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hotaru987 Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 While I would have agreed with pikaperson originally, after you saying that the intro was in the POV of a zombie I could look over the anoyanceof repeditive words. As - like you said DK- zombies don't exactly have the largest vocabulary. Furthermore, I didn't see what was wrong with that sentence. I personally thought it wasn't all that bad. Also I thought your diction was spectacular (of course ignoring the use of repeditive words) and well done for an intro. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted June 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 I suppose I probably should have mentioned it was from the point of view of the zombie right off the bat. :3 Thank you for all the feedback! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 I picked up that it was a Zombie POV (and you'd have to be pretty low on the intelligence spectrum if you couldn't pick that up from the second or third sentence.) However, it seemed to be third person limited. Like, Morgan Freeman or something is narrating about it, March of the Penguins style, so there's not really any reason you couldn't switch up the words a little, or switch the sentences a bit. I don't know why the second part's repetitiveness is more noticeable then the first part (in my opinion). Stuff like flesh and creature jump out but the word scent (repeated 8 times in the first. zero in the second.) barely got any of my attention. ... Also, you meant "wander", right? 'Cause you wrote wonder. Wonder means to think (which it can't, cause it's a zombie) and wander means to walk about aimlessly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kōsuke Ueki Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 After reading the prologue, I became greatly confused. If the point of view was of the zombie, and it died at the end of it, how would you continue from that? And besides, are the main characters the zombies themselves, or do you intend to explain the characters through future chapters? I'm just pointing this out, but this fic seems to be rushed, while my fic explains of the past bit by bit up until when the big problem began. Unless you intend to do flashback chapters for most of the time, then you're basically talking about one, two, three, four, etc. zombies that end up dying at the end of each chapter. So, all in all, what you were doing was limited to nothing. Just because something doesn't have a point in existence within a story, doesn't mean you can describe to your fullest extent of what the zombies can do, as though it actually has a purposeful life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hotaru987 Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 Just because the prolouge was in the POV of a zombie doesn't mean that the whole story will be like that. I assumed that after this he would do a flashback to before the entire zombie infestation began. Depending on how many characters he have he could even do a each chapter in the pov of another charcter. Telling how they found out about what's going on. Of course there's always the omnipitant 3rd person view. But either way I don't see how the prolouge confused you at all. It seemd pretty straightforward to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted June 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 [quote name='PikaPerson01' timestamp='1307378678' post='5260888'] I picked up that it was a Zombie POV (and you'd have to be pretty low on the intelligence spectrum if you couldn't pick that up from the second or third sentence.) However, it seemed to be third person limited. Like, Morgan Freeman or something is narrating about it, March of the Penguins style, so there's not really any reason you couldn't switch up the words a little, or switch the sentences a bit. I don't know why the second part's repetitiveness is more noticeable then the first part (in my opinion). Stuff like flesh and creature jump out but the word scent (repeated 8 times in the first. zero in the second.) barely got any of my attention. ... Also, you meant "wander", right? 'Cause you wrote wonder. Wonder means to think (which it can't, cause it's a zombie) and wander means to walk about aimlessly. [/quote] Oops...typo. My apologies. And yes, I know it appeared more third person limited, but I still wanted to keeps things simple. Kinda give you the sense that you are following a simple minded creature. [quote name='The Swift Assaulter' timestamp='1307389934' post='5261293'] After reading the prologue, I became greatly confused. If the point of view was of the zombie, and it died at the end of it, how would you continue from that? And besides, are the main characters the zombies themselves, or do you intend to explain the characters through future chapters? I'm just pointing this out, but this fic seems to be rushed, while my fic explains of the past bit by bit up until when the big problem began. Unless you intend to do flashback chapters for most of the time, then you're basically talking about one, two, three, four, etc. zombies that end up dying at the end of each chapter. So, all in all, what you were doing was limited to nothing. Just because something doesn't have a point in existence within a story, doesn't mean you can describe to your fullest extent of what the zombies can do, as though it actually has a purposeful life. [/quote] I see where you are coming from Swift. But I suppose I should explain. The prologue was my way of indirectly running into the first two characters of my Fan-Fic. In case you didn't notice, I mentioned two bodies of living flesh. Those two will be the first two characters. The Fan-Fic itself does not revolve around zombie character. I apologize if I made it seem that way. I just wanted to do something different with the prologue to try to gain some attention. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 [quote name='The Swift Assaulter' timestamp='1307389934' post='5261293'] Unless you intend to do flashback chapters for most of the time, then you're basically talking about one, two, three, four, etc. zombies that end up dying at the end of each chapter. [/quote] ... That actually sounds like an excellent idea. A story where the narrator changes at the end of each chapter, but overall progress is still being made in terms of the underlying plot. The "background" characters are actually the protagonists and heroes of the story and the narrator is just some random guy who would normally be a background character if the story was written in a more traditional fashion. It sounds... clever and unique. I like it. It needs a few tweaks though. On-topic: Kind of looking forward to the actual story? Also, can't suggest a title until I know what the story is about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hotaru987 Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 Lol it'll be like Rick Roierdin(I know I spelled his name wrong) book the lost olympian. His newer one. I thought it was cool how he did that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted June 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 [quote name='PikaPerson01' timestamp='1307391587' post='5261353'] ... That actually sounds like an excellent idea. A story where the narrator changes at the end of each chapter, but overall progress is still being made in terms of the underlying plot. The "background" characters are actually the protagonists and heroes of the story and the narrator is just some random guy who would normally be a background character if the story was written in a more traditional fashion. It sounds... clever and unique. I like it. It needs a few tweaks though. On-topic: Kind of looking forward to the actual story? Also, can't suggest a title until I know what the story is about. [/quote] Glad to see I got your attention! ;D Working on chapter 1. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Qu@ke Posted June 7, 2011 Report Share Posted June 7, 2011 Title Suggestion: Once Upon a Blood Red Moon... Also, I'm rather looking forward to seeing what'll become of this story I think if you change the sentence to "It had to have the source of that irresistible scent!" it'd work out better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted June 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 7, 2011 [quote name='Qu@ke' timestamp='1307426346' post='5262987'] Title Suggestion: Once Upon a Blood Red Moon... Also, I'm rather looking forward to seeing what'll become of this story I think if you change the sentence to "It had to have the source of that irresistible scent!" it'd work out better. [/quote] Maybe...I'll take that into consideration. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Piercer of the Heavens Posted June 7, 2011 Report Share Posted June 7, 2011 Well dude I will keep reading as long as you keep posting chapters. Also this is the first time I see a zombie Fan-Fic start like that so that helped catch my interest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Qu@ke Posted June 8, 2011 Report Share Posted June 8, 2011 so, I know this shouldn't be rushed but...It begs the question as to when chapter 1 will be finished *wink* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted June 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 8, 2011 [quote name='Qu@ke' timestamp='1307526415' post='5266368'] so, I know this shouldn't be rushed but...It begs the question as to when chapter 1 will be finished *wink* [/quote] I started working on it like...24 hours ago...and I'm multi-tasking...and I have work in like...four hours!!!! D: So...yeah, I'm going to bed. Might have Chapter 1 up tonight. I don't know yet. :< Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kyng's Old Account Posted June 8, 2011 Report Share Posted June 8, 2011 Name suggestion: Leid der Toten (German for Suffering of the Dead, got idea from COD Nazi Zombie titles like Der Riese, Kino der Toten...), or the Japanese alternative: Shisha no kurushimi / 死者の苦しみ. Or even the English form, just Suffering of the Dead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted June 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 8, 2011 [quote name='Kyng of Ice' timestamp='1307527429' post='5266406'] Name suggestion: Leid der Toten (German for Suffering of the Dead, got idea from COD Nazi Zombie titles like Der Riese, Kino der Toten...), or the Japanese alternative: Shisha no kurushimi / 死者の苦しみ. Or even the English form, just Suffering of the Dead. [/quote] Oooo....DK like. :3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted June 9, 2011 Report Share Posted June 9, 2011 ... Does the story take place in Germany/are any of the characters German? Otherwise, not really getting why the name is in German. =\ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted June 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 9, 2011 [quote name='PikaPerson01' timestamp='1307582987' post='5268355'] ... Does the story take place in Germany/are any of the characters German? Otherwise, not really getting why the name is in German. =\ [/quote] I was actually debating between Germany and America. Which is why I put both versions. Thoughts? And of course the whole thing will be in English so we all understand it. :< Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Qu@ke Posted June 9, 2011 Report Share Posted June 9, 2011 A name is a name I say, don't judge a book by its cover-don't judge a fan fic by it's name lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hotaru987 Posted June 10, 2011 Report Share Posted June 10, 2011 Now I know how pople feel when they are waiting for me to post....So...How's the story coming along? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwarven King Posted June 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2011 Slowly...but surely. New job is giving me chaotic hours. I barely have time to get on my laptop before I pass out. But, I work from 9am to 6pm tomorrow. Then I don't have to be at work until 6:30pm the next day. I'll try to use that time to catch up on things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hotaru987 Posted June 10, 2011 Report Share Posted June 10, 2011 Yayness! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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