Lock

[The Borg]

Lock mods please

[Guest PikaPerson01]

Imma describe my thought process as I read this. Just random thoughts as I go along, so this'll be extremely unorganized

 

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So we meet Rusty. Apparently he's in a ravine, in a war against Kuribohs. His allies are two Mist Valley folk and x-Saber Airbellum. Other then 'cause he's the protagonist, I don't really know why I should be rooting for him. I don't know anything about his life or anything about his personality. I assume he's a leader-type guy, 'cause it's a self-insert fic and 'cause they refer to him as 'sir' but beyond that... no idea why I should care about this guy, his friends, or the war they're in.

 

Apparently they need a part to complete their coup de grace on the Kuribohs. They haven't found it yet because the plot says for them not to.

 

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Next up is apparently something that's happening in the present. I assumed it was a flashback, because the sentence just before that is talking about the past so I figured "oh hey, he's transitioning towards something in the past" but apparently it's the present.

 

For some reason, Kevin Tewart is in Tokyo, Japan. I always just kind of figured he was only in charge of TCG, not the OCG, but okay. Willful suspension of disbelief? IDK. He invites all 300,000+ YCM members to... I dunno, kill them? Later on we find out he was sending them to Duel Terminal world, but not really why. I assume Rusty came through similar means, but the question then becomes why did he come earlier? I mean, I know its a self-insert fic and Rusty has to be the special snowflake, the one who knows the ins and outs of the world but... why, in the story, is he before everyone else?

 

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Rusty's a terrible interrogation. He didn't even ask the Kuriboh a question. We didn't even get to see what the Kuriboh does. So far the "good guys" seem more aggressive. Show v tell. Show the Kuribohs are menacing. Show that Rusty has good leadership skills and good interrogating skills and that he's a good planner. Don't just TELL us all that's true.

 

So 300,000+ people magically show up. It's somehow not a clusterfuck of insanity., they all fit into the same room, the sudden influx of people doesn't draw attention, and everyone else is pretty much cool and doesn't care to listen to what's going on. Instead of Rusty loudly speaking to the entire group to try to get control of the situation or speak to all these people at once, he only speaks to one guy.

 

So they talk, and they have a terrible inconvenient conversation. Your one chance to explain this god damn story slightly better and it's "Shelds9 quickly walked over and began to explain everything to Rusty, who understood why they were there." How about some damn dialogue? I don't know why they're all there, and I'd like to hear an explanation for this.

 

Apparently, Rusty worked at Konami or something. Konami was planning a death ray for some reason but Rusty sabotaged it to make it send people to Duel Terminal instead. I assume causing a rip in the fabric of spacetime is much more difficult then just a machine that fires a laser or something. So when Rusty hears he's gonna be a test subject or something, instead of breaking the machine and hauling ass, he messes with the wires and installs a new flux capacitor and gets shot with it, sending him to Duel Terminal. And this brilliant scientist who is able to build machines that rip through space-time is apparently stupid enough to let himself be shot by it. Great.

 

Apparently, because this is such a Mary Stu fic, Rusty is elected unanimously for no real reason. The flimsy excuse we get is that he's been there longest, but Airbellum and Mist valley folk have been there for even longer. Why not elect the people who know the terrain and know the enemy more?

 

Story goes on, and we hear about a guy named Shooting Star Dragon but other then his name (if SSD is even a male, because we don't even get that info in the story) we get no info about him or her. (And yeah, the real SSD is probably a guy but that doesn't mean the story shouldn't make mention of it or... really any visual details about these guys.)

 

Rusty finishes this section by demonstrating his brilliant leadership skills:

a) Not planning until the day of the attack (when he had a full night to do so)

B) Not properly exploring the terrain until minutes before the attack

c) Not properly equipping his 300,000+ man team. Only he and one guy get armor, and we have at least 6 named characters. Rusty, Shelds, SSD, Shannon, Mark, and Airbellum

 

He just kind of seems to luck into these things, no real skill or competence involved.

 

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So here's the "big epic" fight scene which is mostly "they fought, and fought and fought some more". I'll admit, I'm horrible at writing fight scenes too. Which is why I don't bother to include them in fics. =\

 

There is literally no reason to bother including the names of cards and their armor or anything, because it has no effect on the plot. SSD could be wearing a garbage bag and the story would still read exactly the same way. It's not like the armor is important or enchanted or anything. I think you realized no one had any kind of appearance said about them, so instead of going back to it or including it later you just wrote "he wore [blank]'s armor" and hoping that pacifies people.

 

So Rusty begins sniping Kuribohs, with what I assume is Catastors laser thing. I always assumed Catastor was really huge, but apparently... it's not? And despite outnumbering the group 1000 to one, Rusty can do this with relative ease and the Kurbohs are none the wiser.

 

Rusty's apparently good at sniping, and breaking the flute causes every single Kuriboh to disappear... so why didn't the grand leader just break the flute from a safe distance away?

 

So the story continues, and the Kuribohs break their own flute, once again proving that Rusty just kind of lucks into these things and he has no real skill or talent at has no business leading an army. The one thing Rusty does manage to do is kill his own partner, Mark.

 

Apparently our friends here just defeated a massive army that's been ravaging the land for months now. Despite being outnumbered a thousand to one, we're supposed to see one casualty, one guy who we never even heard anything about and think "Oh, that's sad" or something? We don't even get a reaction from other people, all we know is that this random guy died because of his leader's incompetence.

 

The war itself raises a bunch of questions. Four guys were able to take down an entire army? That kind of makes the army you were fighting look INCREDIBLY pathetic. And if they're pathetic, that means they're not threatening. And if they're not threatening, that makes the "good guys" look more like the aggressors then the villains were supposed to. Apparently the good guys had no qualms over killing the women and children since the Kuribon "were mostly killed off in the war’s early stages."

 

 

In short, we have an unfit leader who's terrible plans include bumrushing for the flute and installing a teleportation drive to a death ray. To put the cherry on top of the incompetence sundae, he stupid caused the death of one of his soldiers. He is our protagonist.

 

We have two of his other Duel Monster soldiers, Airbellum and Sharon, who we hear nothing about. And we have his two human friends, Shelds and SSD who we know equally little about. They're fighting a war against a bunch of guys who can barely fight back and all magically disappear at the slightest provocation. You want me to care for these individuals? Not a chance.

 

tl;dr - Terrible, next?

[Dr. Cakey]

Uh, yeah, what she said. Only even wittier and even more intelligent.