Jokes

[CeDeFiA]

Just post some jokes that you find funny, they can be two line jokes, story jokes, any types of jokes in general.

I'll start off:

Knock Knock

Who's there?

To

To who?

No, no, no. 'To whom.'

[Kyng's Old Account]

OMG LOL!

My turn

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one.
A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai.
The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!" The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate.
The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is really very impressive!" The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai.
The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks: "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai smiled, "Well, circumcision is not intended to kill."

[Neko Girl]

LOL!
Okay:

So, in a Sunday school, the teacher asks what the kids want to be when they grow up.
John: I wanna be a priest!
Jenny: I wanna be a nun!
Suzie: I wanna be a prostitute!
The teacher's eyes grow wide in shock at Suzie's answer.
Teacher: What did you say?!
Suzie: I said I wanna be a prostitute.
Teacher: Oh thank heavens. I thought you said you wanted to be a PROTESTANT!

[~{Rochster}~]

Lawlz.
So, there was once a person who travelled to a Native American village. He brought a lot of hunger pills, a lot! (They give you hungar) He went to the chief, who did not really feel hungry today. The man gave the chief a pill and he swallowed it. Then, he became so hungry, he ate a whole cow. The next day, the chief's servant told him, "Big Chief, no kaka." The man gave instructions to the servant to give him another one. The chief swallowed the pill and one again, ate a cow. The same routine happened. "Big Chief, no kaka." The man gave the chief another pill. He once again ate a cow. The next day, the man heared an exploseion coming from the chief's hut. He went to the hut to see a giant brown mound. The chief's sevant said, "Big kaka, no chief."

[Christian Exodia]

*Smirk*

This is RL. I was in line today. It was field day. Two guys were arguing about who was here first. I said, "Your mom was here first."

[Dwarven King]

Haha. Here is one.

A man went out and decided to buy a lie detecting robot. When someone lies, the robot slaps them. Later that night, the man decided to test it out during dinner. So he brought the robot to the table and started up a conversation.
Man: So son, did you go to school today?
Son: Yes I did.
*robot slaps*
Son: I mean no. I went to the movies.
Man: What movie did you watch?
Son: Toy Story 3
*robot slaps*
Son: Ugh, I watched "A Life as a Porn Star"!
Man: What?! Why would you do that? I never ONCE did anything like that at your age!
*robot slaps*
Wife: Haha! He is your son!
*robot slaps*

[Neko Girl]

HAHAHA!

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

[Simping For Hina]

[img]http://static.funnyjunk.com/pictures/inappropriate_jokes_pt.1.jpg[/img]

[~British Soul~]

@Nerdygirl - i lol'd

here's one...

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

[Neko Girl]

LOL!

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.
"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?"
After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."
They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.
Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.
Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."
The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"
The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"

[Mr Dr Professor Spaz]

LOL

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

[Kyng's Old Account]

Lol

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR A**!"

[Neko Girl]

I gave you a rep for that one!

So, in Sunday school, the teacher asked her students where they thought Jesus is.
John: He lives in Heaven!
Katie: He lives in my heart!
The teacher was pleased with these answers. After they answered, Mark was waving his hand furiously in the air.
Mark: He lives in my bathroom!!!
The teacher, shocked by this answer, asked how he knew that.
Mark: Well, every morning, my dad walks up to the bathroom door and yells "JESUS CHRIST ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?!"

[~{Rochster}~]

*Dies of laughter, but then gets revived*

So, a blond, a burnette, and a redhead went to an ancient civilization and found a temple. It had a sign next to it tha reads, "100 steps of laughter." There were two guards standing at the door. "One of them said, "On the top of this temple, there is treasure so plentiful, if you get it, you will be rich for the rest of your life. Although, there is a guard every step of the temple. He will tell a joke, and if you don't laugh at it, you go on to the next step, but if you laugh, you have to go down to the bottom, and cannot try again no matter what." The women went up to the first step. The guard told the joke and the brunette cracked up. At the 50th step, the guard told a joke and the redhead laughed and lost. At the last step, before the guard told the joke, the blond was cracking up. The guard asked her why she laughed, and she replied, "I just got the first joke! LOL!!!"

[Christian Exodia]

So there were identical triplets, one Blonde, one Brunette, and one Redhead, plus a Fat guy. So the fat guy asks, "What is 700 times 700?" The Blonde and the Redhead get it right, but the Brunette doesn't. The fat guy asks the blonde, "How did you get it right, Blondie? Your the dumbest of the three!" Blondie replies, "Because i'm not Blondie, i'm Bliss!" The three take off wigs to reveal Bliss is the Blondie, Bliss is the Brunette, and Blondie is Bliss!

[Dwarven King]

Haha, nice guys!!! xD

Ok, here is one.

[spoiler=WARNING! YOU MAY DIE FROM LAUGHING!]Three guys are stranded on an island. Before they could figure out what to do next, the natives came out of the wooded area. The chief walked up to the three mEn and said, "Welcome to my island! All I request of you is to go deeper into the island and bring back 10 of the same fruit each." All three men nodded and set off.

The first came back with ten strawberries. The chief looked at him and said, "Unless you want us to eat you, you must put all ten of those up your ass without making a single noise or facial expression." The man agreed and started with the task. He got the seventh one in and started to barely cry. The chief had him dragged away.

The second man returned with grapes. The chief told him the same thing and the man agreed. He got ten grapes in and was about to get the tenth in when he started laughing. The chief looked at him confused and asked, "Why did you start laughing? You only had one more to go." The man pointed behind the chief and said, "Because the third guy brought back pineapples!"[/spoiler]

[dokktorawesome]

lol XD

Here's one

A kid was told to travel around their city and learn three new words. So first he went to the airport and learned "Take off." Then he went to the zoo and learned "zebra". Then he to the hospital and learned "baby". When he went to school the teacher said "What words did you learn?" He said "Take off ze bra babe."
EDIT: +Repped Kyng of Ice

[Two-Hundred And One]

Here we go.

A young student is failing math. All other options failing, his parents finally enroll him in a private Catholic school. The boy immediately starts studying furiously every night, and finally hands over his report card: straight A's. So his proud but confused parents ask him, "What did the nuns do to motivate you so much?" His reply: "When I saw that poor guy nailed to the plus sign in the lobby I knew they weren't fooling around!"

[Maghion Syaoran Light]

So there was this old couple selling oranges in the streets. One kid came up to the old lady and asked her "what are you selling?"
The lady said "I don't know"
the husband said "Oranges. You are selling oranges'
The kid then ask "how much are they?"
The lady said "I don't know"
The husband said "they are 50 cents "
The kid ask "are they fresh?"
The lady said "I don't know"
The husband said "really really fresh"
The kid buys an orange and moves on. at the same day, the President of USA approached her and told her she won a million dollars good citizenship award
The president ask her "what is your name?"
The lady looks at him and says "Oranges"
The president ask "whats your address?"
The lady answers "50 cents"
The president then asks "are you being fresh wiht me?"
The lady answers "really really fresh"
The president forfeits her rewards.

[~{Rochster}~]

[quote name='Yugiohbakuganpokemon' timestamp='1306671105' post='5239443']
lol XD

Here's one

A kid was told to travel around their city and learn three new words. So first he went to the airport and learned "Take off." Then he went to the zoo and learned "zebra". Then he to the hospital and learned "baby". When he went to school the teacher said "What words did you learn?" He said "Take off ze bra babe."
EDIT: +Repped Kyng of Ice
[/quote]
YOU FORGOT TO SAY THAT HE WAS FRENCH!!!

[Rias Gremory]

[quote name='Kyng of Ice' timestamp='1306633409' post='5238711']
Lol

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR A**!"
[/quote]

OMFG I cried after that one! +rep I am telling that to all my friends

[Kyng's Old Account]

[quote name='NerdyGirl ' timestamp='1306634420' post='5238734']
I gave you a rep for that one!
[/quote]

Thanks! Anyone else who repped me let me know. I have a policy, rep for me, REP FOR YOU!

Anyways, LOL-APOLOOZA!

Now, feed on this:

A little boy and his dad are driving in a car, untill a policeman pulls him over. The dad yells 'B*STARD!'. His son was curious as he had never heard of that word before. He said 'Dad, what does b*stard mean?' in all of his cute innocence. His father replies: 'It is just another word for "policeman", son.'

They get home and his dad slips on the carpet. Crashing to the floor, he yells 'SH*T'. The little boy, once again curious, asks 'Dad, what does sh*t man?'. His dad replies: 'It is just another word for "carpet" son.'

The little boy goes into the kitchen only to find his mum preparing the dinner. She was cutting the turkey when she accidentaly cut herself and yelled 'F*CKING'. Once again the little boy asks 'Mum, what does "f*cking" mean?' She responds saying 'It just means "cutting" son.'

Then, later on, she starts climbing the stairs, untill she hit her head on the banister yelling 'B*LLOCKS'. Her son asked 'Mum, what does 'b*ll*cks' mean?' 'Well, it is just another word for "banister" son' she replies.

There is a knock at the door:
'Hello, b*stard. Mind yourself over the sh*t. Mum's is f*cking the chicken and watch your head over the b*llocks.'

[Rias Gremory]

[quote name='Kyng of Ice' timestamp='1306718402' post='5240921']
Thanks! Anyone else who repped me let me know. I have a policy, rep for me, REP FOR YOU!

Anyways, LOL-APOLOOZA!

Now, feed on this:

A little boy and his dad are driving in a car, untill a policeman pulls him over. The dad yells 'B*STARD!'. His son was curious as he had never heard of that word before. He said 'Dad, what does b*stard mean?' in all of his cute innocence. His father replies: 'It is just another word for "policeman", son.'

They get home and his dad slips on the carpet. Crashing to the floor, he yells 'SH*T'. The little boy, once again curious, asks 'Dad, what does sh*t man?'. His dad replies: 'It is just another word for "carpet" son.'

The little boy goes into the kitchen only to find his mum preparing the dinner. She was cutting the turkey when she accidentaly cut herself and yelled 'F*CKING'. Once again the little boy asks 'Mum, what does "f*cking" mean?' She responds saying 'It just means "cutting" son.'

Then, later on, she starts climbing the stairs, untill she hit her head on the banister yelling 'B*LLOCKS'. Her son asked 'Mum, what does 'b*ll*cks' mean?' 'Well, it is just another word for "banister" son' she replies.

There is a knock at the door:
'Hello, b*stard. Mind yourself over the sh*t. Mum's is f*cking the chicken and watch your head over the b*llocks.'
[/quote]

*dies of laughter* *I go to heaven and Jesus throws me back* LOOOL! +rep again.

[~{Rochster}~]

[quote name='Kyng of Ice' timestamp='1306718402' post='5240921']
Thanks! Anyone else who repped me let me know. I have a policy, rep for me, REP FOR YOU!

Anyways, LOL-APOLOOZA!

Now, feed on this:

A little boy and his dad are driving in a car, untill a policeman pulls him over. The dad yells 'B*STARD!'. His son was curious as he had never heard of that word before. He said 'Dad, what does b*stard mean?' in all of his cute innocence. His father replies: 'It is just another word for "policeman", son.'

They get home and his dad slips on the carpet. Crashing to the floor, he yells 'SH*T'. The little boy, once again curious, asks 'Dad, what does sh*t man?'. His dad replies: 'It is just another word for "carpet" son.'

The little boy goes into the kitchen only to find his mum preparing the dinner. She was cutting the turkey when she accidentaly cut herself and yelled 'F*CKING'. Once again the little boy asks 'Mum, what does "f*cking" mean?' She responds saying 'It just means "cutting" son.'

Then, later on, she starts climbing the stairs, untill she hit her head on the banister yelling 'B*LLOCKS'. Her son asked 'Mum, what does 'b*ll*cks' mean?' 'Well, it is just another word for "banister" son' she replies.

There is a knock at the door:
'Hello, b*stard. Mind yourself over the sh*t. Mum's is f*cking the chicken and watch your head over the b*llocks.'
[/quote]
Lawlz! There's another version of this, though! (+rep for common jokes)
So it's a casual night, and little Tommy was watching a movie with his brother, and suddenly he heard "D**ks and B@*l$!" He asked his brother what that meant, and he replied with "Coats and jackets." He then went to his dad's bathroom to see him shaving. He cut himself with the razor and said "SH**!" So, he asked his dad what it meant, and he replied with "It's the name of the shaving cream brand I'm using." Then, he went to his mom in the kitchen preparing a turkey. She cut herself with the knife and said "F**k!" He then asked his mom what that meant, and she replied with "It's a fancy word that means preparing a turkey." So then a few of Tommy's friends came, so he said to them, "You can hang your d**ks and B@ll$ on the hanger. My dad's upstairs wiping sh** off of his face and my mom's f**king a turkey."

[Garthfunkle Vii Backwards]

Theres this cruise ship and theres a magician that works on the ship and the captain had a parrot that liked to go to the show everynight. The parrot understood the show and since it could talk it would give away everything. "ohh, he's puttin it in his sock bbbrrrrrrkkkkk" "he put it up his sleeve bbbrrrrrrkkkkk" "its in his hat bbbrrrrrrkkkkk." And the magician just hated this bird. and one night he just snapped and he pulled out a pistol and he shot the bird and the bird ducked and the bullet misses the bird and it hits a propane tane and blows the ship to a billion peices. the only survivors are the parrot and the magician and their floating out in the middle of the ocean on two little peices of wood and the parrot goes "Alright i give up. Wheres the damn ship?"

a classic my dad makes me tell it to him all the time ....

there was a ship out in the ocean, and the guy up in the crow's nest says, "Enemy ship ahead!" The captain says, "Bring me my red shirt." And the servant says, "Uh... okay." So he gets the captains red shirt, and the captain puts it on. And as the battle proceeded, they didn't loose one sailor. At the end of the battle, the servant comes up and says, "Before the battle, you said to bring you your red shirt. Wh- Why your RED shirt?" And the captain says, "Because, if I happen to be shot, and started bleeding, the sailors wouldn't see the blood and would continue to fight on!" The sailor said, "Oh! That's brilliant, right there!" The next morning, the guy in the crow's nest yells, "20 enemy ships ahead!" The captain then said, "Bring me my brown pants!"

a good one as well ..........